


No One Like You

by Josif52



Category: Dawson's Creek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 193,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27196616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Josif52/pseuds/Josif52
Summary: After 6 months of hiding his relationship with Jack, Doug has to decide what is most important to him following a tragic accident.
Relationships: Jack McPhee/Doug Witter
Comments: 172
Kudos: 52





	1. The Last Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Angel2912](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angel2912/gifts).



> ****
> 
> **This story is dedicated to Angel2912. Thank you for suggesting the plot. I hope this lives up to your expectations and wonderfully vivid imagination :)**
> 
> **Sections in _italics_ are flashbacks.**
> 
> **This is set six months into Jack and Doug's relationship which is approximately in line with the finale of the show. Jen's illness and death will not be addressed in this story. You're welcome to believe whatever you choose regarding that. Whether it's looming or you choose for it to never happen is completely fine. It does not change anything.**
> 
> *******  
> 

Jack smiled against Doug’s lips, feeling the warm water of the shower hitting his back as Doug’s hands ran over his body.

“You’re going to make me late,” Jack groaned, not wanting to cut their time together short, but also aware of the time.

“It won’t kill you to be late just once,” Doug replied, kissing his partner of six months. “I can make it worth your while.”

Jack allowed himself to succumb for a moment, wondering whether it was really that important to have breakfast before work or if this was a better use of his time. Doug ran his fingers through Jack’s hair, feeling the soap suds that Jack had not quite managed to wash out before Doug had hijacked his morning routine. He loved the smell of Jack’s shampoo, loving the way the pillow next to his would smell of him when he had stayed the night. He loved the way the scent of him lingered long after he was gone, like the ghost of memory, leaving him wondering if he was really real or something his heart had masterfully created.

Feeling Jack kiss him back, seemingly giving up the fight as Doug knew too well that he would, he knew with certainty that he was real. An amazing combination of toned muscle, soft skin, light stubble and dark hair that he imagined would be a turn on for him for the rest of his life. A body that contained a heart, soul and mind that he loved equally as much. There was not a day that went buy that Doug did not question how he had ever been so lucky as to end up with Jack.

“I have a meeting,” Jack groaned between kisses, the water beginning to run colder against him.

“Reschedule it,” Doug smiled cheekily.

“I can’t,” Jack laughed. “It’s a really important meeting.”

“No one is ever on time,” Doug said softly, turning Jack around to have his back pressed against his front, the water now beating down on Jack’s chest, Doug’s mouth moving over the skin on his shoulder and his neck as his hands travelled his body.

“Just because you don’t have work today,” Jack smiled.

“Phone in sick,” Doug said, mouth hovering over Jack’s ear, sending a shiver down his spine. Doug felt it and could not hold back a grin, leaning further into the other man, causing him to lean against the tiles.

“Are you forgetting about the important meeting I just mentioned?” Jack forced out through laboured breaths, feeling the effect of Doug’s hand moving steadily over him. 

“I can be quick,” Doug replied, hand moving to Jack’s hip, as he pushed himself forwards, feeling Jack brace himself more firmly against the wall.

“So romantic,” Jack laughed, his words catching in his throat as Doug entered him, causing his laugh to turn into a moan as he leant further onto his forearms, pushing his lower body back against Doug, receiving an echo of moan in return.

Doug’s hand moved from Jack’s hip, tracing his way over his stomach muscles before holding the palm of his hand firmly against him, feeling Jack’s muscle contract with each of his thrusts. “You should know better than to leave the bathroom door open by now,” Doug moaned from over Jack’s shoulder, beginning to pick up pace.

Jack leaned his forehead against his arm, trying to keep balanced on shaky legs, amazed by how Doug always managed to make him care so little about everything else when he had his body entwined with his own. The whole world could fall away and in that moment he would not care. “Maybe it was my plan all along.”

Doug pressed his mouth against Jack’s shoulder, water from the shower cascading over it and down Jack’s back, kissing him, running his mouth up towards Jack’s neck, having always loved the small section at the top of his neck, behind his ear. “Then you only have yourself to blame,” he said in his best authoritative sheriff voice, increasing the pace of his movements. “It’s your fault that I love you so much.”

“I take full responsibility,” Jack moaned; the movement of Doug’s well experienced hand sending him closer to the edge.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug had left Jack to get ready for work, deciding that the least he could do for making him run late was to make him to breakfast to go. He wandered into Jack’s kitchen and opened the refrigerator, not completely surprised to find it virtually empty. He put a pot of coffee onto brew as he riffled through the cupboards, looking for anything that would constitute breakfast, eventually locating some bread to make toast with.

He turned his sights to the fruit bowl on the counter, turning his nose up at a couple of bananas that were past their best, pushing them out the way in order to get to a lone apple. He placed the apple down on the end of the counter looking around for Jack’s bag thinking that he would pack the apple inside for a breaktime snack. Spotting the bag in the corner next to his shoes he went to retrieve it, noticing how something fell out as he picked it up. Picking the item up from the floor he realised it was a wedding invitation addressed to Jack. The RSVP had not been filled out yet. The question of whether he was bring a plus one still looming.

“Are you snooping again?” Jack joked, walking in seeing Doug holding his work bag.

“Whose wedding?” Doug replied.

“Suzie from work – one of the other English teachers,” Jack explained, heading to the refrigerator and looking as unimpressed at Doug had been moments before. 

“I’ve made you some toast,” Doug said, realising that he had not really finished preparing it.

“Thank you,” Jack smiled, grabbing it from the toaster and finishing it off.

“You hadn’t mentioned you were invited to a wedding,” Doug pressed.

“I guess I didn’t,” Jack shrugged having simply forgotten. “She gave me the invitation weeks ago.”

“Why haven’t you RSVP’d get?”

“I actually totally forgot that was in there.”

“Are you going?” Doug asked.

“To the wedding?” Jack said, glancing over his shoulder, unsure why Doug seemed so fixated on the topic. “I was planning to.”

“Are you going alone?”

Jack stopped what he was doing and sighed, turning around to face Doug. “Don’t worry; I’m not going to ask you to go with me.”

“That’s not what I was asking,” Doug shook his head, but deep down wondering when Jack had stopped asking him to accompany him to things – even when he knew the answer would be a no.

“And I’m not planning on taking anyone else either,” Jack said simply.

“I thought maybe you’d invite Jen.”

“Jen is not my girlfriend and she doesn’t know Suzie – that would be weird.”

“I don’t know Suzie,” Doug replied, wondering why that seemed to matter.

“But you are my boyfriend,” Jack said, grabbing his shoes and sitting down to put them on. “So that cancels out the not knowing Suzie. You can only qualify as plus one if you tick at least one of the boxes. You do; Jen doesn’t.”

“So you’re going alone?”

“I think that’s what we’ve established,” Jack laughed, not wanting to make a big thing of such a non-event in his social calendar. 

“And you don’t mind?” Doug asked.

“I never said that,” Jack said standing up and grabbing his bag. “But it’s not like I have any say in the matter.”

“Are you annoyed with me?” Doug asked.

“I wasn’t,” Jack smiled, “But you’re starting to irritate me slightly now. I’m not sure what good you think you’re going to achieve by bringing this up now – especially when I’m already running late.”

“Do you want to talk about it later?”

“Not really,” Jack replied, grabbing his toast from the counter, looking around for his car keys, spotting them next to the fruit bowl, quickly dropping the overripe bananas into the trash before picking them up.

“Why not?” Doug asked, moving closer to where Jack stood.

“Why not?” Jack asked, kissing Doug softly. “Because I know better than to start a conversation that will only end in the same predictable argument that we always have. It’s not worth it.”

“It’s not worth it? Or we’re not worth it?” Doug asked, feeling slightly hurt.

“It,” Jack said firmly, refusing to take the bait. “I love you, Doug, you know that, but I’m not willing to go down this rabbit hole right now. You know my feelings on the matter. They haven’t changed, and last time I checked, neither had yours. So call it denial; call it self-preservation – call it complete and utter avoidance. I don’t really care.”

“You know I would go with you if I could,” Doug said softly, arms wrapped around Jack’s waist.

Jack rolled his eyes slightly, hating that excuse. As far as he was concerned there was no reason why he could not do any of the things the two of them talked about like they were pure fantasy. “I’m not doing this,” Jack shook his head, kissing Doug softly and ducking out of his embrace. “Lock up on your way out, yeah?”

Doug simply nodded, a sinking feeling in his stomach, almost wishing Jack would argue with him rather than just being disappointed in him.

“I love you,” Jack said, hoping Doug would remember those words over all the others.

“I love you too,” Doug replied.

“I am so late,” Jack groaned as he glanced at his watch. “I’ll call you later.”

“Have a good day.”

“You too,” Jack called as he disappeared towards the front door.

“Drive slowly!” Doug called over him, his only response being the slam of the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug still found it strange to be in Jack’s home without him. Not because he felt uncomfortable, but the exact opposite. He felt so comfortable in fact that it felt weird to him that his possessions were not there alongside Jack’s – that when he opened the closet, only Jack’s clothes were hanging. That in Jack’s bedroom there was only one small drawer of items that belonged to Doug after Jack had made space for him. It felt strange to him that he knew his way around Jack’s kitchen, even had his own ‘favourite’ mug but nothing else was his.

He stayed long enough to have a cup of coffee, making a mental note to bring Jack a bag of groceries over next time as Jack seemed to be finding it difficult to make time to get to the store alongside the long hours he was pulling at work recently. He had taken to staying late to help tutor students in need of help ahead of their exams – something that Doug found incredibly endearing, but also hated how it cut into their time together. If he could, he would happily spend almost every hour of the day with Jack but with work and keeping up appearances in the town, that simply was not possible.

Six months in and they were still hiding their relationship from the world, and while he liked existing in a little bubble made for two, he knew Jack was becoming increasingly frustrated with the situation. It was a topic that they generally avoided discussing for exactly the reasons Jack had reminded him of that morning – it always ended in an argument with Jack feeling that Doug was not serious about their relationship, and Doug feeling that Jack did not appreciate the impact the truth could have on his life. He was not sure why he had pushed it with Jack that morning – maybe feeling that having their bi-monthly argument was preferable to bottling it up; concerned that Jack would simply reach a point that he could no longer live in secret anymore.

Doug tidied up from breakfast, washing up his mug and leaving it on the draining board before grabbing together his things. He decided that after doing the few things he needed to do at home, he would go to the grocery store, buy some things to stock up Jack’s cupboards and make him a nice home cooked meal for them to enjoy when Jack got home from work. He hoped that would make up for the tension he had created that morning. 

Doug made sure everything was switched off before heading down the hallway and leaving, closing the door mere seconds before Jack’s home phone started to ring. 

Sat on the countertop, next to the fruit bowl, the phone continued to ring, calling out to an empty house to be answered. After a few moments, the call went to answer machine, instructing the caller to leave a message after the beep.

“Hi Jack, it’s Principal Morris. I have tried calling your cell but you haven’t answered. I just wanted to check that everything was okay. We had a meeting scheduled for thirty minutes ago. It’s not like you to be late. You’re probably on your way, but call me when you get this. Okay – bye.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The drive from Jack’s back home was not far – it was pretty much a straight drive avoiding town, but for some reason Doug decided to take the more scenic route, passing near the high school. This took him down his favourite road to sit in wait of speeding drivers. He liked it for more than just catching heavy footed motorists; it was a beautiful spot in town, linking the banks of the creek with rest of Capeside. At the right time of day, with the sun in just the right spot, you could get a stunning view of the town, never failing to remind Doug why he loved his home regardless of it’s obvious faults.

This morning the sun was low, glaring in his eyes as he drove, forcing him to lower the sun visor in order to not be completely blinded. He reduced his speed noticing the car in front of him beginning to brake as it turned the corner, quickly realising why when flashing lights became visible ahead. He tried to see which of his officers was parked across the road creating a roadblock, getting a slightly better view as the car in front slowed and turned, heading back in the opposite direction. Doug pulled up alongside the squad car and rolled down his window.

“Morning, Carl,” he called. “Everything okay?”

“Morning, Sheriff,” the officer nodded, glancing over his shoulder to the length of road he was blocking. “Have you been called in?”

“No, I just happened to be passing. What’s going on?”

“Collision. Pretty nasty one,” the officer answered. “Car virus truck – guess which one won,” he asked rhetorically.

“The whole road is closed?” Doug asked surprised, opening the door to his car and climbing out. Most collisions involved moving the vehicles to the side of the road to be towed away. Closing one lane was usually sufficient. Carl was a young officer, new to his position and Doug wondered if there had been an element of crossed wires while carrying out his orders.

“Deputy Munroe ordered me to stand here and not let anyone through under any circumstances. There is also a roadblock at the other end near the high school diverting people through town.”

“How long before the vehicles are cleared?” Doug asked, slightly irritated by the excessive measures in place.

“We won’t know until all casualties have been recovered,” Carl said, head dipped, realising that he had not made the severity of the situation clear to his sheriff.

Doug looked up over Carl’s shoulder, unable to see any signs of a collision, realising it must have been on the following bend – a particularly treacherous one for those who did not know the road well, one of the main reasons for him choosing this road as a speed trap. “How bad are we talking?”

“The truck driver seems fine; just a little shaken up.”

“And the other vehicle?”

“I’m still waiting to hear,” Carl explained. “Last thing I heard it wasn’t looking good. The whole scene is a complete mess. Deputy Munroe doesn’t want any civilians to see the wreck.”

Doug nodded, finally understanding the decisions made in his absence. “EMTs present?”

“Fire department, medics – you name it, they’re there. I figured when I saw you that you must have been called in on your day off.”

“Am I needed?” Doug asked, not wanting to look like he was getting involved for no reason.

“No news has made it down to me for a while,” Carl shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is if any of the high school kids see what happens when a convertible is ploughed down by a truck, they will be asking mummy and daddy for something a little more robust for a graduation present.”

Doug stared at his deputy, colour rapidly draining from his face. “What?”

“The other vehicle,” Carl explained, wondering why he was being stared at like that. “It was a red convertible. Looked like it was pretty nice before this.”

Doug had heard enough, his heart jumping between beating in overtime and then completely stopping for a painfully long amount of time. He felt sick. His legs shaking, worried that he would not be able to remain upright if he stayed standing still, he started moving around the squad car, picking up pace as he made his way down the road, not caring that he had abandoned his car – keys still in the ignition.

“Sheriff, is everything okay?” Carl called after him.

Doug did not respond, breaking into a sprint, now able to see more flashing lights as he reached the bend in the road. His officer had not been exaggerating when he said all the emergency services were present – the road was filled and there were people everywhere. Doug did not need to get any closer to realise that the buzz in the air was more than just people getting on with their jobs – the urgency was more than just wanting to do things as quickly and efficiently as possible – it was a matter of life and death.

He slowed, trying to take in the scene in front of him, eyes desperately scanning for some confirmation that his officer had been wrongly informed, that the car involved did not resemble Jack’s in anyway. He quickly spotted the truck involved, taking in the magnitude of its size in comparison to a standard car. The front of the truck, though dented, did not seem in particularly bad shape. He could not see another vehicle. His heart still pounding he kept moving forward, eyes following the flurry of movement by a group of first responders, watching as one stood talking into their radio, eyes fixed on the side of the road. It was not until he moved a little closer that he was able to see it – a vehicle, no longer on the road, but instead on its side in the ditch that ran along the roadside. He once again began running, praying that the car did not belong to Jack, but he knew without any doubt that it did.

“Sheriff!” Deputy Munroe called over, noticing Doug first, moving quickly to the same spot Doug was, an arm out in front of him, just managing to catch Doug’s arm before he got close enough to see anything. “You don’t want to go down there.”

“Jack,” Doug said, softly, feeling as though he was about to throw up on the side of the road, pulling away from his deputy in an attempt to get closer, only to find himself being pulled back again.

“Doug,” Deputy Munroe said again, this time using his name, trying to get his attention. “Honestly, you do not want to get any closer,” he reiterated, unsure how or why Doug had suddenly turned up at the scene, and no idea what had come over him. He looked pale, eyes wide, his body was trembling. “Do you know him?” 

“It’s Jack,” was all Doug could say, feeling his body going into shock.

“Doug, it’s not looking good. They need to get him to the hospital as soon as possible for him to have any chance of surviving this.”

“What happened?” Doug asked, or assumed he asked, unsure if any sound was coming out of him – his eyes still fixed on the sight of the underside of Jack’s car, everything else obscured by the lip of the verge.

“From what I can tell, the truck driver fell asleep at the wheel. From tire tracks it appears that he veered on to the wrong side of the road as he came round the bend – most likely over the speed limit. The other vehicle stood no chance.”

Doug tried to pull himself together. Falling apart on the side of the road, in front of all his officers was not going to help anyone – least of all Jack. He fought to take some deep breaths, fought to tear his eyes away from the wreck of Jack’s car. Fought to maintain the façade that he had spent the last six months trying to perfect. “How bad are we talking?” He asked, trying to sound like Sheriff Witter and not Doug – trying to regain control over his Jekyll and Hyde personality.

“From the what the Truck driver has said as well as the debris, it would appear as though the car rolled a number of times before ending up in the ditch. It took the fire crew some time to remove the driver from the vehicle. The EMTs have tried to move him into the ambulance a couple of times but he keeps crashing. They have managed to intubate him to keep his airways open but they need to get him to theatre immediately before he loses more blood.”

“Has anyone been called?” Doug asked, wondering if Pacey knew yet. If Andie knew. He needed someone who understood what he was feeling. 

“I have radioed his details into the station and asked Sandra to locate his next of kin,” Munroe answered, feeling as though Doug would be able to shed a little more light on that.

“Andie,” Doug said, staring off into the distance. “Andie McPhee is his sister. Someone needs to call her. She’s a resident at Mass General. She can’t find out about this by accident.”

Munroe reached out, holding onto Doug’s elbow, worried that he was about to collapse. In all the years they had worked together he had never seen him like his. “Is he a friend?”

“No,” he said quickly, his professional instincts taking over, immediately wanting to take his words back. “Yes,” he said, hoping that would erase the guilt of his initial response. “He’s my brother’s friend.”

Munroe nodded, not completely convinced, and still concerned about Doug’s state. “Why don’t we move out of the way. Hopefully the crew should be able to get him in the back of the ambulance shortly.

Before Doug had a chance to move he heard a flood of commotion coming from the direction of Jack’s body. “One, Two, Three,” he heard shouted amongst a crew of medics, seeing them raise a body on a board from the ground and quickly and expertly maneuver it up the verge and onto the waiting ambulance gurney. “Final checks,” one of the called as they all jumped to action, equipment all around them as they speedily started pushing the gurney towards the ambulance. 

Suddenly there seemed to be commotion everywhere. Munroe was calling over to one of the other deputies to prepare to remove the roadblock to allow the ambulance through and to provide a police escort to the hospital.

It was then that Doug caught sight of him. His skin impossibly white, stained with blood. His dark hair that had had Doug’s fingers running through it mere hours ago was slick with blood, his body limp, tubes sprouting from his mouth, unable to breath unaided. Doug froze. What if this was it? What if Jack was gone before anyone even knew that Doug had found him?

“I’m coming,” Doug said, tearing towards the back of the ambulance as the gurney was quickly loaded in.

“I’m sorry,” one of the crew said. “Family only.”

“I’m the sheriff. I know him,” Doug said, wishing he could just saying that the man they had in the ambulance was the only man he would love for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry, Sheriff, you’ll have to follow behind.”

Before he could say another word the doors to the ambulance closed, separating him from Jack. Sirens started almost instantly as the ambulance pulled away, leaving Doug stood alone in disbelief.

“I need to go to the hospital,” he said, mostly to himself, shock taking over his body.

“I’ll get someone to drive you,” Deputy Munroe said, looking around the scene.

“I have my car,” Doug said, turning back in the direction he had come from.

“I’m not letting you drive,” Munroe said simply, “I’ll drive you.”

Doug simply nodded, unable to form any kind of words. He started towards his car, gradually picking up pace, until he was once again sprinting, only noticing when he reached the car that Deputy Munroe had kept his pace. 

“I’ll get you there as quickly as possible,” he said, jumping into the driver’s seat. “Carl, don’t let anyone through here until he whole scene has been documented and cleared. I don’t care if this road stays closed all day. Do you understand?”

Carl simply nodded, unsure what had happened in the time since Doug had disappeared around the corner, realising it must be something pretty awful based on the way he was slumped over in the passenger seat of his own car, head in his hands, looking in complete despair.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
“I don’t think I understand what’s going on here,” Jack said, sitting back on the couch, glass of wine still in hand._

_“I think you do,” Doug smiled, feeling pretty sure that he had made it obviously for weeks._

_Jack simply stared back at the other man, not wanting to say anything and be wrong. He did not think he could take that level of embarrassment. Not when it came to Doug. Sure they had been seeing more of each other over the last few weeks. They had spent a large amount of time alone – mostly under the pre-text that Pacey was too busy to accept the invitation to join them. The occasional run on the beach had turned into longer bike rides or hikes, soon enough including lunch. Lunches soon turned into preparing something together at either one of their homes, staying to help clean up and then before they knew it someone would suggest opening a bottle of wine._

_He knew they had been spending a lot of time together but was certain it did not mean the same thing to Doug as it did to him. He tried to ignore the fact that his feelings towards Doug were growing – tried to push them aside, not wanting to ruin a good friendship. He did not have many friends in Capeside, and kind of got the feeling that Doug was the same. While Doug had been open with him about being gay, Jack just assumed it was because he knew Jack would understand – that he was looking for a friend that knew what he was going through._

_“Why do you think I told you I’m gay?” Doug asked._

_“I don’t know. We’re friends. It’s not like I was in any position to judge you.”_

_“Not that you would anyway. You’re not like people around here.”_

_“But I overheard your not so private conversation with Pacey last time we had dinner at his,” Jack explained._

_“What conversation was that?” Doug asked confused._

_“You know, the one where you lectured Pacey on assuming that just because two gay men know each that there will be an attraction. How - how did you put it – I’m not your type?” Jack said raising a questioning eyebrow._

_“Well, you weren’t meant to hear any of that,” Doug laughed. “That was purely for Pacey’s benefit.” There was no way Doug was going to let his brother take any pleasure in his feelings and certainly no credit for introducing them to begin with._

_“So, what, I am your type?” Jack smiled, taking a sip of his wine._

_“Jack,” Doug smiled, sighing slightly. “I would have to be dead to not find you attractive.”_

_Jack shook his head, trying to hide his blush, half hiding behind his glass, still stunned by the turn of events, but trying to hold it together._

_“This can’t come as a shock to you,” Doug persisted. “You own a mirror, right? You know what you look like?”_

_“Right,” Jack nodded, smiling, “So this is just a physical attraction.”_

_“What’s wrong with physical attraction?” Doug asked._

_Jack thought about it for a second. “Nothing, usually.”_

_“Usually?”_

_“Usually I wouldn’t have any reservations about entering into something based purely on physical attraction, but that wouldn’t usually involve the brother of one of my best friends.”_

_“Is that all I am?” Doug asked. “Pacey’s brother.”_

_Realising that he may have caused unintended offence Jack tried to recover. “No, you’re Pacey’s incredibly hot brother,” he said, clearing his throat, offering a one sided smile. “Any better?”_

_“That’s definitely leaning more in the direction I was hoping for,” Doug smiled, wondering if Jack knew that he was finding this just as difficult as he seemed to be, but after months of dropping hints, each one bigger than the previous, he had given up being subtle._

_“What actually is it that you’re hoping for?” Jack asked, reluctant to enter into a casual relationship with someone linked so closely to his friend. Not when he knew his feelings were stronger than that._

_“I was hoping that you’d want to go out on a date sometime – a proper one. Not just hanging out like we have been.”_

_“In what way would a date look different from what we’ve been doing?” Jack smiled, knowing that it was a thin and blurry line._

_“The way I imagine it,” Doug said, clearing his throat and moving slightly closer to Jack on the couch. “I would cook you dinner, we could watch a movie, drink wine, talk…”_

_Jack looked around the room – plates from their dinner still on the counter, the TV on in the background playing some old movie, glass of wine in his hand. “Isn’t that what we’ve just done?”_

_“I hadn’t finished,” Doug smiled._

_“Okay,” Jack laughed, starting to feel a little more comfortable. “Sorry. Carry on.”_

_“I guess the difference on a date, compared to our usual meet ups, would be that instead of me going to bed that night wondering what it would be like to kiss you, I would hopefully know.”_

_Jack blushed ever so slightly, eyes darting around the room, trying to keep his composure. “You have been wondering about that?”_

_“A lot,” Doug confessed._

_Jack nodded, absentmindedly wetting his lips a little. “So kissing – that’s the only thing that changes what we’ve been doing into being on a date.”_

_“Well, not necessarily limited to kissing, but yes, I would say that kissing definitely would be defined as a date type activity.”_

_Jack smiled, appreciating Doug’s reasoning. “So when would you suggest we try out this whole ‘date’ thing?”_

_“Good question,” Doug smiled. “I was actually looking at my diary, and if you also happen to be free, and are open to this potential shift in our definition of things, I was thinking maybe,” Doug paused, “Tonight?”_

_Jack could not help but laugh. “I wish you had said something before,” he joked. “I’m busy tonight. I’m having dinner with a really nice guy that I quite like, but I’m just not his type.”_

_“He sounds like an idiot,” Doug said, moving closer again. “Ditch him.”_

_“That would be a little rude, don’t you think?”_

_“Maybe,” Doug shrugged, taking the wine glass from Jack’s hand and putting it down on the coffee table in from of them. “But you’re way too good looking, and smart, and funny to be wasting your time on someone who doesn’t realise how special you are.”_

_“How do I know if someone realises how special I am?” Jack asked, now so close to Doug that he could feel the warmth of his breath._

_“They will probably find an excuse to sit as close to you as possible,” Doug said softly, placing a hand of Jack’s leg. “They will probably find it impossible not to touch you. And above all else, they will be simply incapable of stopping themselves from kissing you.” Doug inched forward slightly more, surprised when Jack was the one to bridge the gap between them, kissing him, moving even closer so he was now pressed right up against Doug’s side._

_After a moment Jack went to pull back, hoping that he was not making a monumental mistake, but as he did so, Doug’s hand moved to his cheek, gently but firmly keeping him in place, kissing him more deeply, more needily than before, not ready to let the other man go. Worried that the small amount of apprehension he could feel from Jack would multiply if given the chance. He was not willing to stop until Jack was as sure as he felt that this was exactly right._

_The vibration of Jack’s small and faint moan ricocheted through Doug as he continued kissing the other man with all the passion that he had been keeping bottled up. He had thought about this for so long, amazed that even in his deepest fantasies he had never managed to imagine pleasure like this. Doug had kissed many people in his life, but this was something on a whole different level – it was as though Jack’s mouth was made to be the perfect match for his own, as though somehow the man in front of him was put on the planet for his pleasure alone; and vice versa. And all they were doing was kissing._

_Doug shifted on the couch, leaning further into Jack, encouraging him to recline backwards, wanting to feel more of his body pressed against him – craving more contact. Still refusing to cease kissing him, Doug’s mouth moved from Jack’s, along his chiseled jaw, intoxicated by the taste of him. Jack’s hands were gripping Doug’s shoulders like his life depended on it. Doug imagined being left with the imprint of Jack’s fingertips on his skin, the thought driving him wild. He tried once more to encourage Jack to shift backwards, wanting nothing more than to climb on top of him, pressing against the full length of him, but Jack resisted, pushing back in the opposite direction._

_Jack forced himself back upright, refusing to let Doug have all of the control. He raised his chin, feeling Doug’s mouth continue to explore his skin, sinking down to his neck, refusing to relinquish control over the kiss in the face of Jack’s refusal to submit to his desired positioning. Jack inhaled deeply, fingers digging in more firmly into Doug’s shoulders as Doug’s mouth moved further up his neck, nuzzling into the space just behind his ear. Doug felt himself being pushed back firmly. His back came into contact with the cushions on the couch, his mouth ripped away from Jack for the first time. He was about to protest when Jack’s body shifted, following the direction of Doug’s, swiftly raising up and straddling the other man, pulling his body in close to Doug’s as he rejoined their mouths._

_Doug writhed against the contact, his breath catching, hands instantly moving to Jack’s hips, ensuring no let up on the pressure. “You’re right,” Doug smiled against Jack’s lips. “This is much better,” unable to resist pushing up against Jack._

_“Are you sure this isn’t too much for a first date?” Jack smiled, incapable of stopping himself from rocking against the other man, knowing he was hovering on the brink of something he would be unable to pull himself back from._

_“This isn’t really our first date,” Doug reasoned. “We’ve been dating for months. You know it as well as I do.”_

_Jack smiled, kissing Doug softly, knowing that he was right. It just needed one of them to break the silence. “So do you think we’re beyond the third date?”_

_Doug’s hand moved to Jack’s cheek, fingertips playing in his hair, bringing Jack’s face down closer to his own, resting his forehead against Jack’s, his another arm wrapping around Jack’s waist, keeping him as close as humanly possible, hand resting against the firmness of his ass. He knew what Jack was asking, and he wanted to scream his answer at the top of his voice. He lifted his head ever so slightly, his nose brushing against Jack’s as he found his lips once again, kissing him more slowly – wanting Jack to understand that this was about more than just one night. “We’re definitely beyond the third date.”_

_Jack smiled against Doug’s mouth, still unable to sit completely still, pushing up against Doug in a more controlled and meaningful way. “Thank god.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug ran into the hospital, leaving Deputy Munroe to park his car, not caring where it ended up. The ER was bustling with people as he scanned around the room for someone who would know where Jack was – someone who could tell him what was happening. In his panic he managed to locate a desk, running the gauntlet of people in his way to get there.

“I’m looking for Jack,” he said desperately, causing the woman behind the desk to look up at him.

“I’m going to need a little more than that,” she said, and even though her voice was kind, it made Doug’s blood boil.

“Jack McPhee,” he said, trying to breathe. “He was taken away in an ambulance. Car accident.”

She nodded, seeing that he was unable to provide any other information. “Are you family?” 

He stood for a moment, just staring at her. “No.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, seeing the panic in his eyes. “I can’t give out any information.”

“Please,” Doug begged, wondering if telling her the truth would make any difference. It still would not make him family. “My name is Doug Witter – I am the sheriff of Capeside police department. I was at the scene.”

She looked at him oddly. She was experienced enough to have seen many complex relationships but she had not been expecting him to go down the professional route. “Do you have any ID?”

It was only then that he remembered that he was not in uniform. He patted down his pockets desperately, trying to remember if he had his badge on him. “No,” he said deflated. “One of my deputies is just outside parking the car – he can confirm who I am.”

She nodded, “Once he arrives, have him come to the desk and I’ll see what I can find.” She knew there was more to his story than he was letting on, but equally she could tell that he was genuine. 

Doug looked around, hoping deputy Munroe would appear. He needed to know what was going on immediately. “Can you at least tell me where he is?” Doug pleaded. 

She looked at him sympathetically, “I know who you’re talking about,” she said quietly, not typing anything into the computer in front of her. “He’s been taken to theatre.”

Doug took a large intake of breath, trying to steady himself.

“That’s all I know,” she added, seeing Doug go even more pale than he had been before. “There’s unlikely to be news for some time.”

Doug nodded, looking around the room at the combination of injuries and sicknesses that people in the waiting room seemed to have – none of them even close to being as serious as Jack. He was not sure what to do, too scared to leave but feeling suffocated. “His sister works here,” he said faintly. “I need to find her.”

“What’s her name?” the woman behind the desk asked, wondering if she could help. He did not look capable to thinking rationally enough to put a plan together. 

“Someone should be trying to call her but if she’s working she won’t have her phone on her,” Doug said, suddenly realising that she may still not know.

“What’s her name?” the woman repeated, breaking Doug out of the prison of his mind. 

“Andie,” he said, turning back towards her. “McPhee,” he added, the mere act of saying Jack’s surname feeling like a knife in the chest.

“Andie McPhee?” the woman asked, ducking her head slightly, recognising the name. “Is she a resident?”

Doug nodded, unsure which department she worked in, hating himself a little more because he knew Jack had told him – he was always singing her praises. 

“I can page her,” the woman said, already typing something into the computer.

“Thank you.”

“I hope she gets it in time,” the woman muttered quietly. Noticing the look on Doug’s face she explained – “She is a surgical resident.”

Doug stepped back from the desk, praying that Andie would not find out like that, suddenly thinking of all the other people that should be told. The thought of having to call everyone – to actually say the words out loud made him feel as sick and lightheaded as he had at the roadside. Unable to think straight he pulled his cellphone out of his pocket and sent a text message to Pacey. Even the moment he sent it he would not have been able to say what he had typed. He could not even be sure it was comprehendible.

He slumped down into the nearest seat, dropping his head into his hands. This had to be a nightmare. Surely he would wake up soon and find himself lying next to Jack. He wanted to redo the morning. He wanted to let Jack shower alone to avoid making him late. He wanted to make him a proper breakfast and he able to sit down with him before work. He wanted to go back and not try and pick a fight about their problems – which is knew was really his own problem. He wanted to hold him a little closer for a little longer, making sure he left for work with more time to spare, avoiding being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

He was not sure how long he had been sat there, allowing the numbness to infest his body before he heard it – her voice.

“Hi Angela, I got a page to come here?” Andie said to the woman behind the desk, seemingly confused as to why she was being paged by a different department. 

The woman smiled at her softly, not wanting to be the one to give her the bad news. Pen in hand, she pointed in Doug’s direction, causing Andie to look around and notice him for the first time.

“Doug?” she said, stepping closer to him, glancing back at the desk once more. “What are you doing here?”

He stood up, not sure what to say. 

“What’s wrong?” Andie asked, realising it was something bad.

“It’s Jack,” Doug said, unable to breathe. “He’s been in an accident.”

“Is he okay?” Andie asked, knowing it was a stupid question. Doug would not look the way he did if Jack were okay.

Doug shook his head. “He’s in surgery.”

“What? When?”

“No long ago,” Doug replied. “I don’t know what’s going on but it doesn’t look good.”

“No,” Andie whispered. “Not again.” Tears rolled down her cheeks as she remembered Tim. 

Doug stepped forward, pulling her into a hug – knowing that for both of them this was the closest they would get to embracing Jack.

**To be continued…**


	2. Waiting Game

Doug knew that being given a room to wait in for news was not a good sign. He knew that hospital staff were trying to keep them tucked away in the hope of stopping their misery from spilling out and infecting everyone else around them. He knew that it would be a much easier space in which to deliver bad news – allowing the doctors to close the door upon leaving, already containing the sorrow to one location. He knew this because he had done the same thing on numerous occasions when he had had to deliver bad news. 

Deputy Munroe had tried to find out further details upon his arrival, realising quickly that nothing was known yet. The three of them had sat silently in their waiting room, the occasional look being shared amongst them. Doug felt uncomfortable, the combination of his two worlds meeting together in the most excruciating way. He wanted to sit close to Andie, to hold her, to give as much support to her as he needed back, but he could not help but wonder what his deputy would make of that. He felt trapped in a web of his own lies, feeling it tighten around him making it hard to breathe.

“Doug,” Munroe said standing up. “Could I speak to you outside?”

Doug glanced over at Andie quickly before standing and following the other man out of the room. “What is it?” Doug asked, closing the door softly behind him.

“Is something going on that I should know about?”

Doug looked at him, panic burning in his eyes. “What do you mean?”

“Is there something going on between you and Andie? Some kind of history or something?”

Doug almost wanted to laugh at how absurd that was, before remembering that the truth was way more complicated. “No,” Doug shook his head. “Andie used to date Pacey.”

“Right,” Munroe nodded, still unsure. “And your connection to her and her brother – that’s just through Pacey?”

“That’s how I know them,” Doug responded, feeling satisfied that he was not actually lying, even if he hated himself for downplaying Jack’s importance in his life. “Pacey has been friends with them for ten years.”

Munroe sighed slightly – things just did not seem to be making sense. He had learnt a lot from Doug over the years they had worked together, the number one thing being that if something did not feel right, you were probably being lied to. “You know you can trust me?” Munroe added. “We’ve worked together for years. We’re friends.”

“I know that,” Doug nodded, seeing the look of disbelief in his eyes. “That’s why I trust you to deal with this down at the station while I’m preoccupied here.”

Munroe nodded. “Would you like me to get you two some coffee or something before I head off?” 

“No,” Doug shook his head. “Thank you though.”

“If you need anything just call me,” Munroe said. “And I really do mean anything.”

“How are you going to get back?” Doug asked, realising that they had taken his car.

“One of the others are going to come and give me a lift.”

Doug nodded, “I should go back in.”

“Call with an update when you know,” Munroe said before turning to leave. “I hope he pulls through.”

Doug could feel Andie’s eyes on him from the second he walked back into the room. He did not have to look at her to know she had the same look on her face that he knew well from Jack – a combination of disapproval and disappointment. 

“He doesn’t know, does he?” Andie asked, not really expecting an answer, feeling hurt on behalf of her brother. “Why does he think you’re here – civic duty?”

Doug could not respond. Tensions were high. They were both scared out of their minds. The last thing either of them needed was to get into an argument. It is not what Jack would want. But even so he appreciated how Andie must have been feeling – the man that was supposed to be there for her brother, to love him and protect him, was acting like he barely knew him. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m not the one you should be apologising to,” Andie said, her tone not quite as cold as her actual words. “I just hope you get the chance.”

Before Doug could say anything more the door flew open. “A text message?” Pacey said breathlessly as he came storming in. He looked as though he had been running. “You thought a text message was the right way to tell me?”

Doug hung his head. He was not in the state of mind to deal with his brother right now. “Not now, Pacey.”

Pacey paused for a moment, taking in the view of his brother looking completely broken. “Well, I’m here now I guess,” he said, attempting to backtrack a little, finally noticing Andie sat quietly, looking like her world was falling apart. “McPhee,” he said softly, immediately going over to her and pulling her into an embrace.

“Hi, Pacey.”

“Is there any news?” he asked hopefully.

“Nothing,” Doug groaned. “He’s in surgery.”

“What happened?” 

“Truck driver asleep at the wheel,” was all Doug could manage to get out, images of the scene he stumbled across that morning filling his head. 

Andie hung her head, shaking it. “This can’t be happening.”

“Has he been arrested?” Pacey asked, feeling his anger build, holding onto Andie tightly. “He can’t just be allowed to walk away while Jack is…” he drifted off.

“It’s being dealt with,” Doug said confidently, knowing he had a good team of diligent officers.

“I don’t care what happens to him. I just want Jack to be okay,” Andie said softly. “It’s not going to change anything right now.”

“Has anyone called Jen?” Pacey asked.

Both Andie and Doug looked at each other, realising that neither of them had thought to call yet. “No,” Doug answered.

“She needs to know,” Pacey said. “I can call her.”

“Is there anyone else?” Andie asked.

“Have you called your dad?” Pacey asked.

She nodded, “He’s away on business. I said I’d call him back once there’s some news.”

“How about Joey and Dawson?” Pacey suggested.

They all looked around at each other, unsure if that was the right thing to do.

“Call them later,” Doug decided, aware that no one was really sure. “There’s not anything to tell them yet. Them worrying is not going to change anything.”

Pacey nodded, giving Andie one last squeeze before standing. “I guess I’ll call Jen then.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
“Do you know how fast were you driving when you passed me this afternoon?” Doug asked, sitting down on Jack’s couch, watching him finish off preparing dinner._

_Jack shrugged, knowing that whatever he said was not going to get him out of hearing Doug’s bi-weekly lecture. “You’re the cop, you tell me,” Jack smiled, receiving the exact disapproving look that he was expecting._

_“You were doing thirty-six in a twenty-five,” Doug answered for him._

_“Slower than last week,” Jack smiled, trying to use his charm to defuse the conversation because they both knew where it was heading._

_“It’s not a joke, Jack,” Doug said sternly. “There’s only so many times I’m going to be able to turn a blind eye before it goes noticed.”_

_“Is that what you’re worried about?” Jack asked, dishing up food onto the plates in front of him. “It’s not my safety that concerns you but the thought that someone may work out your secret if they notice the lack of citations?”_

_“Of course your safety is my main concern,” Doug replied. “Though it doesn’t seem to be a big concern of yours.”_

_Jack rolled his eyes, irritated that Doug had managed to turn it back on him. “I’m sorry, okay? I won’t do it again.”_

_“If only,” Doug smiled, shaking his head. Standing up, he headed over towards Jack, wrapping his arms around his waist as Jack continued to dish up. “Maybe some form of punishment is the only way you’re going to learn to respect the law.”_

_“What do you have in mind, Officer?”_

_“I don’t think I’m at liberty to divulge such information.”_

_“I should probably let you know that I talked my way out of plenty of tickets.”_

_“Oh really, how exactly have you managed that?” Doug smiled._

_“I have found that flashing my gorgeous smile and flirting a little usually works,” Jack grinned._

_“Usually, huh?”_

_“And if that fails then I have to my two back up options.”_

_“Which are what exactly?” Doug asked._

_“The first option is bribery,” Jack said simply._

_“You do know that it’s an offence to bribe an officer?” Doug said flatly._

_“That’s okay; the second option is usually more effective anyway,” Jack shrugged, turning around in Doug’s arms, now facing him._

_“Which is?”_

_“Sexual favours,” Jack grinned before quickly kissing Doug._

_“Thankfully I know you’re joking,” Doug laughed._

_“How do you know that?”_

_“Because I’ve seen how many tickets you’ve had. You’re clearly not very good at talking your way out of them.”_

_“Or maybe just not very good at giving head,” Jack teased, making Doug laugh._

_“We both know that’s not true,” Doug smiled. “But if you ever feel that you need more practice I’ll gladly volunteer my services.”_

_“How very selfless of you,” Jack teased, kissing Doug, intending to pull away but suddenly feeling swept away in the moment, kissing him a little more intently as he felt himself being pressed up against the counter behind him. He moved his lips away from Doug’s, trying to remember what he had been doing. “Do you think we could just once eat dinner before it goes cold?” he smiled._

_“I guess that seems fair, considering it’s one of those rare occasions that you’ve gone to more effort than simply ordering take out,” Doug teased._

_“Trust me, you wouldn’t want to eat my cooking too often,” Jack smiled, turning back to the counter and picking up the plates, handing one to Doug. “Though this actually looks okay.”_

_“It looks great,” Doug reassured. “Thank you.”_

_Jack carried his plate over to the couch, just wanting to get comfortable and not sit at the table. “So,” he smiled mischievously, “How many time have you been propositioned by someone trying to get out of a ticket?”_

_Doug sat down next to him. “Not as many times as you’d think.”_

_“Come on,” Jack laughed. “I don’t believe you.”_

_“This is Capeside, remember?” Doug shook his head. “It has happened, but maybe only twice. Both times by middle age women.”_

_“How disappointing,” Jack groaned, hoping for something a little more exciting. “Were they any good?”_

_“Very funny,” Doug shook his head. “What do you take me for?”_

_“You’re asking the wrong person. Unlike the rest of this little town, I know you’re a sexual deviant,” he teased._

_“With a boyfriend who would rather eat a hot dinner than have sex,” Doug added._

_“Well, aren’t we a boring pair,” Jack laughed. “And so you know, it wasn’t as case of one or the other, it was just a preference as to the order.”_

_“Good to know,” Doug smiled._

_“So hurry up and finish this incredibly average meal I’ve made for you so we can move onto something much more highly rated.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“It’s been over six hours,” Pacey said pacing the small room they were couped up in. “How can they not have any news yet?”

“No news is good news,” Andie said softly.

“Is that true?” Doug asked, wondering if it was just something Andie was telling herself to keep herself going.

“I hope so,” she replied softly. 

“How long does it take?” Pacey asked, feeling impatient, unable to sit still. “Jen will be here soon and she’s coming all the way from New York.”

“Is she bringing Amy?” Doug asked, trying to think through the logistics of it all.

“No, she’s leaving Amy with Grams until we know what’s going on.”

Doug nodded, agreeing that was the best decision given the circumstances. The hours were beginning to merge together. The coffee that Pacey had gone in search of hours before sat untouched on the table in the middle of the room alongside whatever snack food Pacey had managed to find without going too far just in case. He had no idea how much longer they would be sat there waiting. The only thing keeping him going was the hope that wherever he was in the hospital, Jack was fighting just as he hard as he had in all other aspects of his life. He was strong – Doug knew that. It gave him hope.

“That’s it,” Andie said standing up. “I can’t sit her any longer. I’m going to go and find out what’s going on. I work here. Someone has to tell me something.”

“Andie, stop,” Pacey said, reaching out and taking her arm, stopping her from reaching the door.

“I can’t just sit her anymore.”

“I know,” he said. “We know,” he said looking over to Doug, pleading for assistance. He did not want Andie going in search of news on her own, worried what would happen if the news was bad. “But we need to be patient.”

“No, I’ve been patient. This is my brother we’re talking about. I need to know what’s going on,” she said defiantly. 

“What are you going to do, Andie? Storm into theatre and demand answers?” Pacey asked, frustrated that Doug was not helping.

“I have to know,” she said pulling away from Pacey, not noticing that Doug was now standing, almost falling into him. 

He reached out and pulled her into an embrace. “He’s strong,” he said softly. “He’s not going to give up so just keep your faith a little longer.”

She nodded against him, allowing him to wrap himself around her as he had when she had first heard the news. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because he is the most stubborn person I have ever met,” Doug smiled, thinking of all of the frustrating conversations he had had with Jack, always ending in him laughing at Jack’s complete refusal to change his mind. “There is no way he would ever allow a car accident to be the end of him after the amount of times I’ve told him to slow down. He will pull through just to say, ‘I told you so’.”

Andie laughed slightly. “That sounds about right.”

“He can do this,” Doug added, wishing he was as confident as he sounded. “In his own time.”

Andie nodded, stepping back from Doug and back to where she had been sat before, barely having sat down before the door opened. All three of the looked up expecting to see Jen, but instead saw a doctor in a white coat.

“Family of Jack McPhee?” He asked, suddenly spotting Andie. “Andie? I noticed the name but I didn’t think…” the doctor trailed off.

“Jack’s my brother,” she said softly, noticing that some of the colour drained from his face. “Please tell us what’s going on. We’ve been waiting all day.”

The doctor nodded, glancing over and Doug and Pacey before looking back at Andie.

“These are Jack’s close friends,” she said, giving Doug a look. “You can talk in front of them.”

He nodded, looking down at the chart in his hands. “Jack is still in surgery but I wanted to come and give you an update. He suffered a number of serious injuries from the accident and the crew of EMTs had great difficulty in stabilising him enough for transport. This resulted in him being at the roadside for a lot longer than we would have liked. He was taken straight to surgery on arrival. He had quite a severe pneumothorax - which is a collapsed lung,” he said to Doug and Pacey, “caused by the impact, and a number of broken ribs.”

“That sounds really serious,” Pacey said, wondering how the doctor could share the news so calmly.

“A surgical procedure has been carried out to reinflate the lung and due to the severity, a tube has been inserted in Jack’s chest in order to ensure no further air or fluid buildup around the lung. It was also necessary to intubate Jack at the scene of the accident as he was unable to breath unaided.”

Doug was watching Andie rather than looking at the doctor, analysing the look on her face to try and figure out how concerned he should be. 

“Jack has suffered some internal injury. Our main objective upon arrival was to stem the internal bleeding. This is what has taken the majority of the time. He required a large amount of blood replacement but currently speaking his blood pressure is stable. There was however an extraordinary amount of damage to his organs. We tried very hard but it was decided that the damage to his left kidney was too great to be able to save it and we have therefore had to remove it. We were however able to save the other kidney.”

Andie closed her eyes for a moment, running her hands over her face. Doug began to feel more nervous. 

“As well as broken ribs Jack has also sustained numerous broken bones including one of his legs and his wrist. These have been reset and will be cast as required.”

“Is there any part of him that’s not broken?” Pacey asked, shocked by the list being reeled off. 

“Currently our main concern is the extent of Jack’s head injuries. There is degree of swelling on the brain that we are keen to suppress. It has been decided therefore that the best course of action will be to place Jack into a medically induced coma in order to give his brain time to recover.”

“A coma?” Doug said, panic evident in his voice. “Is that safe?”

“It’s better than if he were to fall into a coma himself,” Andie said softly, unsure if that really answered the question. 

“Jack will be monitored in the ICU. Our concern is that his blood pressure drops again and his heart is unable to withstand the stress on his body. The next 48 hours will be critical, during which hopefully the swelling on his brain will reduce and his heart and lungs continue to fight for him.”

“Why is he still in surgery?” Andie asked.

“They’re just finishing up,” the doctor said. “You know how it is.”

She nodded, still trying to take in everything they had been told. It all made sense to her medically but this was Jack - making everything foggy and scary rather than clear and clinical.

“Can we see him?” Doug asked. 

“Not tonight; I’m sorry.” the doctor shook his head. “Andie, I’m sure I could arrange for you to see him briefly but it won’t be for another couple of hours.”

She nodded, looking over at Doug apologetically, knowing that he was desperate to see him. 

“He needs you,” Doug nodded encouragingly, just wanting someone to be with Jack – the thought of him being alone making him feel sick.

“Let’s get through tonight and see what tomorrow brings,” the doctor said to Doug.

“He will make it through the night though?” Pacey asked the question on everyone’s lips. 

“He’s currently stable. The longer he stays that way the more positive things will look. The next 48 hours will be crucial. We’ll just have to see how tonight goes but he is in expert hands.”

“Thank you,” Andie smiled softly.

“I’m so sorry. You’re welcome to stay here but I would highly recommend trying to get some rest. The fight is only just beginning.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack drove his usual route home from work. He had stayed later than expected finishing off some prep for the following day. When he had finally looked at the time he realised that if he did not get going pretty quickly he was going to be late for dinner with Doug. Just the thought of it made him smile. After only a few months together they had fallen into a really nice pattern, and while at first he had been apprehensive about starting something with Doug, concerned about all the complications that could ensue if things did not work out, he was growing less and less concerned on a daily basis as he began to fall deeper for him. He had never said it out loud – not because he was worried that Doug did not feel the same, but because he did not want to rush anything. There did not seem to be as much urgency once he had realised that they potentially had the rest of their lives to say everything they wanted to._

_He was still thinking about Doug as he drove down one of the deserted roads that took him home, not in the least bit surprised to find no other cars in sight. The sun was beginning to drip as the light faded around him. He increased his speed just a little, wanting to get home and changed as quickly as possible before heading over to Doug’s._

_He almost laughed to himself as the sky lit up blue and red behind him. He should have seen that coming a mile off. He glanced in his rearview mirror, hoping that it was Doug and not another officer, knowing with almost certainty that it would be. He was the only one that seemed to patrol empty roads. Pulling over to the side of the road he tried to hide the smile from his face, knowing that he was likely to receive a lecture from the man that was simply too good looking to pull off ‘angry’._

_Doug climbed out of his car, straightening his belt as he approached Jack’s vehicle. He had been sat in wait for some time, almost certain that Jack would be speeding as he passed him – same as virtually every other time._

_“Good evening, Mr. McPhee,” Doug said, standing alongside Jack’s vehicle._

_“Sheriff,” Jack nodded, holding back a smile, noticing that Doug was looking at him more sternly than normal._

_“Do you know what speed you were doing just now?”_

_“I guess I’m in a hurry – I’m supposed to be somewhere really soon,” he said, suddenly wondering why Doug was still out on patrol._

_“This stretch of road is a twenty-five, which I am sure you know. You were going forty.”_

_“That’s not good, is it?” Jack smiled, still trying to work out what was happening – why Doug seemed to be acting so strange. He glanced over his shoulder, wondering if Doug had company but could not see anyone._

_“I’m going to have to issue you a citation,” Doug said simply, a small glimmer of a smile visible on his face causing Jack to smile._

_“Sheriff, you see, I already have all of these points against my license. Is the anything I can do to get you to look the other way?” Jack asked, offering a small smile._

_“Mr. McPhee, may I remind you at attempting to bribe a public official is against the law,” Doug replied with an unimpressed expression._

_“Yeah, I think I’ve heard that before,” Jack smiled. “I was just hoping to appeal to your greater sense of compassion.”_

_Doug continued to look at him, the same stern expression on his face._

_Jack smiled once again, hoping that would help. “Please – there must be something I can do to make you forget about all this,” he said in a low voice. “Anything.”_

_“Anything?” Doug asked, raising an eyebrow._

_“Anything,” Jack repeated. “I can be very discreet.”_

_“And what exactly are you suggesting?” Doug asked, leaning down and resting his forearm on the top of Jack’s car._

_“You name it,” Jack replied, feeling the butterflies in this stomach come to life as Doug moved closer._

_Doug fixed his eyes to Jack’s for a moment, not saying a word before standing back up straight. “Half a mile down the road, there is a track on the left. Pull in there.”_

_Jack looked back at him slightly confused but realised he was not going to get any further explanation as Doug turned and headed back to his car. Jack watched him as he got back into his patrol car and waited for Jack to make a move. Turning the ignition, Jack pulled away from his position at the side of the road and continued his journey, at a much slower pace, wondering what Doug had meant. He glanced in his mirror to see Doug was following him before refocusing on the road in front of him. The sun was setting more quickly and making out random dirt tracks leading from the road was not easy._

_Suddenly spotting it, Jack pulled off the road, pleased to see that Doug was still behind him. Unsure where he was going he drove down the track until there was nowhere else to go, pulling his car to a stop. He glanced over his shoulder to see Doug’s vehicle stop further down the track, pulled up sideways, blocking the track to any other cars – not that Jack had seen one for miles._

_Doug climbed out of his car, trying to keep a smile from his face, trying not to question what he was doing too greatly, he had plenty of opportunities to talk himself out of it in the days he had spent thinking about it. He continued to walk slowly up the track he knew well – the one he had often come to while out on patrol for a break away from everyone else, having never once come across anyone in years. He approached Jack’s car, the only light coming from Jack’s headlights._

_“Turn off your engine and step out of the car,” he said in the most sheriff voice he could muster._

_Jack did as he was told, plunging the area into darkness, only a small amount of light creeping though the dense tree line shielding them from the road as the sun was had almost completely disappeared._

_“Now, Mr. McPhee,” Doug said, moving to stand in front of the other man, trapping him between himself and the car behind him. “Why exactly should I turn a blind eye to your indiscretion?”_

_“I really can’t afford to get any further points against my license,” Jack said, wondering why he found Doug stood so close to him in the darkness in full uniform so intimidating and also so thrilling. “Please, I’m begging you.”_

_“Begging, huh?” Doug raised an eyebrow, watching the silver light play over Jack’s face. His hands slipped to his belt, beginning to slowly unfasten it, the whole time keeping his eyes on Jack. “You don’t seem to be in the correct position for begging.”_

_Jack felt a shiver run through him as he felt Doug’s hand on his shoulder, pushing him gently to his knees. He quickly obliged, feeling the wetness of fallen leaves beneath him, watching as Doug continued to unfasten his clothing. Jack looked up at Doug, impressed by his boldness, figuring that if this was not something he had done before, it was certainly something he had given great thought to._

_Doug could feel his body ache in anticipation, feeling the heat from Jack’s body against him. “You can start begging now,” Doug said, his voice husky before holding his breath waiting for the moment Jack’s mouth made contact with him._

_Jack reached out, tugging Doug’s clothing a little lower before taking hold of his hips, pulling him closer as his mouth wrapped around him. Doug’s moan was louder than Jack was expecting, making him smile as he continued with his task. He had been wondering if their recent conversation had played on Doug’s mind the same way it had his – now receiving confirmation that it had. Clearly their joking had awoken a spark in Doug because Jack could not have imagined him behaving this way before. It seemed so risky. But Doug had obviously planning this out meticulously to avoid interruption but keeping the thrill – at least Jack hoped as much, suddenly more worried about being caught._

_Doug reached out, bracing himself against the roof of Jack’s car, feeling Jack’s fingertips burning into his flesh as he held him in place as his mouth continued to move up and down his length, causing him to tightly clench his jaw for fear of calling out into the darkness. He was no stranger to the feel of Jack’s mouth on his body, but stood in the darkness, wearing the uniform that had been his identity for so long; a tool for hiding the man underneath, everything felt more intense. Every swipe of Jack’s tongue, each dip of his head, each suck and lick and increase of pressure – hot and wet and all encompassing. He was in heaven._

_Jack smiled to himself, knowing that the sheriff was not going to be able to hold out much longer. He increased his depth, purposely waiting until he could hear Doug’s breathing becoming more strained. He moved his hands from Doug’s hips that had been holding him in place, immediately feeling Doug thrust under the freedom to move. He readjusted to take into account Doug’s eagerness, hands slipping round to his ass, gripping it tightly, allowing his fingernails to dig in ever so slightly – liking the idea of Doug walking away with some evidence of their liaison on his body._

_As Doug began to moan, each throaty gasp getting louder and more desperate than the one preceding it, Jack increased his pace, loving the symphony of Doug’s arousal filling the air around them. It was only then that he noticed how uncomfortable he had become within the confines of his own clothing. Trying to ignore it, he carried on, taking immense pleasure in the reaction he was getting from the other man, joking in his head how he may never have to pay another speeding ticket for the rest of his life. He knew Doug would not be able to resist moving his hand to Jack’s head, gripping tightly onto his hair in the final few seconds before succumbing to the overwhelming ecstasy racing through him, this time growling a curse word rather than Jack’s name as usual._

_Jack stilled for a moment, swallowing down the best he could, waiting for Doug’s grip on hair to loosen before pulling back, taking in a deep breath. He felt Doug shiver against the cold night air that replaced Jack’s warm mouth before gripping Jack’s shoulders softly, pulling him up from the ground. They stood before each other for a moment, close enough to bridge the gap between their mouths with only the smallest of movements, breathing in what the other was breathing out, feeling giddy from it all. Doug leaned in further, his mouth hovering over Jack’s, desperately wanting to kiss him and flood him with all the passion and emotion he was feeling but after a second or two he pulled away, straightening up, and pulling his clothing back up, fixing himself back into sheriff mode._

_He cleared his throat, stepping back from Jack, eyes scanning the man in front of him. His face gave away none of the internal euphoria that he felt. It did not give away how badly he wanted to unbutton Jack’s pants and help with the discomfort he must have been feeling. It did not give away how much he wanted to pull Jack close and tell him how much he loved him. He finished adjusting the buckle of his belt and stood firm – shoulders pushed back._

_“I hope to not catch you flouting the law again,” he said sternly before turning and walking away, leaving Jack stood against his car, alone in the clearing._

_Jack could not help but laugh slightly as he watched Doug walk back to his car before suddenly stopping and turning back._

_“Speeding is not a laughing matter, Mr. McPhee,” he said sternly, the hint of playfulness in his voice. “Don’t make me have this conversation with you again.”_

_“Yes, Sheriff,” Jack nodded, waiting until Doug climbed into his car and drove away before getting back into his own car. “Well that was unexpected.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen had arrived shortly after the update from the doctor, eyes already red and blotchy, unsure how she had managed to hold it together throughout the drive from New York. She had been so relieved to hear that Jack was alive that she had not really taken in the magnitude of his condition – deciding that the rest could be dealt with in time. She had called Grams with the news, getting assurances that she would be praying for Jack to continue fighting; for his heart to prove to everyone just how strong they knew it to be.

It had been hard to miss the tension in the room. While everyone was being polite and courteous she could tell that something was bubbling away under the surface. She figured that maybe it was just the stress of the day, but the sideways looks being passed from person to person was enough to make her realise it had to be something more, and from the direction of the majority of the looks it was clear to tell that it all centered around Doug.

“When do they think you’ll be able to see him?” Jen asked Andie, breaking the silence that had fallen over the room for the last hour.

“They didn’t really say,” Andie said quietly. “He was still in surgery last we heard.”

“Is that normal – to be in surgery for that long?” she asked, noticing Doug’s head raise, clearly also wondering the same thing.

“It’s not uncommon based on the severity,” she confirmed.

“I can’t be the only one that feels as though Jack was very lucky to survive this?” Pacey said, looking around the room, having been too worried to voice his thought before. “I mean, the list of injuries were endless, and they’re just the ones they thought it was worth telling us about at this point in time.”

“I hate to sound like Grams, but it’s starting to feel like a miracle,” Jen agreed.

“Didn’t you hear what the doctor said?” Andie asked everyone in disbelief. “He has not survived this yet.”

“Andie, come one,” Pacey started.

“No, Pacey, it’s the truth,” she protested. “When they say the next 48 hours are critical they’re not just being cautious. They mean it. Anything could happen. He could continue to bleed out internally, his heart could give up under the strain, his head injury could be catastrophic – the truth is they don’t know yet. No one will know until he wakes up – if he wakes up.”

“You need to hold onto a bit of hope,” Jen reasoned, still knowing that ultimately Andie was right. “He needs us to stay positive.”

“And what about if he does wake up?” Andie said. “He’s going to need round the clock care for weeks, if not months.”

“I think we’ve all had the same thought,” Pacey replied, trying to figure out the source of Andie’s sudden hostility. “We’ll figure it out. There are enough of us.”

Andie stared over at Doug who had remained every quiet. “I’m just wondering how exactly Doug is going to explain to his officers and the rest of Capeside why he requires time off of work to care for his brother’s friend.”

Doug hung his head, realising in advance that this was exactly where the conversation was headed. Andie had been shooting him daggers for hours.

“We’ll figure it out, Andie,” Jen said softly, understanding her frustration.

“How can you be so sure? How do any of us know, Jack included, that Doug will stick around through the tough times when even as Jack was laying there, dead for all we know, Doug was still pretending that he means nothing to him.”

“I think we’re all tired and emotional,” Pacey tried to reason. “It’s been a long day.”

Ignoring Pacey’s comments and quiet plea for her to stop before things go out of hand, she continued. “Do you even care? Or deep down is this just a relief that maybe you won’t have to deal with the problem Jack causes anymore?”

The room fell deathly silent. No one was breathing. No one moved a muscle. Doug’s head still hung, no one could see the anguish on his face, the emotional tidal wave that he had been fighting back from the second he arrived at the scene of the accident.

He slowly stood from his seat and on shaky legs, unsure where he should go, he walked towards the door. “Excuse me.”

“No, Doug,” Jen protested. “Don’t go.”

He did not hear her, lost in the bottomless pit of his sorrow, free falling deeper into his self-loathing and hatred as he opened the door and walked out.

“Andie, was that really necessary?” Jen said, exasperated, standing up from her chair. “I know you’re scared and angry, but it’s not Doug’s fault that any of this happened.”

Andie did not respond, simply staring at her hands in her lap. She knew that she was being unfair, but it did not change the anger she was feeling.

“And you know what?” Jen continued, opening the door slightly, planning to follow Doug. “You may not agree with how things are between Jack and Doug, and you may not like it – I get that. I’m not thrilled about it myself. But Jack loves Doug and for the most part they are happy together. It may not be perfect but Jack is an adult and he’s made a choice. We need to respect that.” 

The remaining two watched as Jen left the room, heading in the direction Doug had disappeared in. The was a moment of silence before Andie looked up to find Pacey looking at her. 

“I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I’m just so scared.”

“So is Doug,” Pacey nodded. “I know it may not look like it, and it may seem as though he’s being cold, but I promise you, he is hurting just as much as you are. He’s terrified.”

“Of what – being found out?” Andie asked, genuinely unsure.

“Of losing the love of his life before he’s even had a chance to celebrate it in all the ways that are so simple and straightforward for the rest of us.”

“Not for Jack,” Andie added.

“No, not for Jack,” Pacey agreed. “But we’ve always known he’s stronger than most.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen found Doug sat out the front of the hospital, watching as ambulances came and went, lost in the memory of the ambulance doors closing that morning, separating him from Jack. He could not get the image of Jack lying lifeless out of his mind – made worse by the list of injuries the doctor had told them about. He could not comprehend how one body could endure all of that and still pull through, making him share in Andie’s fear that good news could quickly turn into something else.

“He’s going to be okay,” Jen said softly, sitting down next to Doug.

“You don’t know that,” he said simply.

“No,” she shook her head, “I don’t. But I’ve always been right in the past.”

Doug smiled slightly, appreciating Jen’s optimism.

“I know you love him, Doug. He knows it too.”

“I was there, Jen. I saw him before they put him in the ambulance,” he shook his head. “I have never been so scared in my whole life.”

“It’s okay to be scared,” Jen affirmed. 

“I had every opportunity to tell the truth. I could have told one of my closest colleagues right then and there, he even gave me the opportunity to say something later and I didn’t. I don’t deserve Jack.”

“Luckily for you, Jack seems to disagree,” she said, taking hold of his hand.

“I don’t know why this is so difficult. I’m gay. I love Jack. Why can’t I just say that to the world?”

“Because it’s hard. Showing your true self to the world is not an easy thing to do.”

“And yet Jack does it every day.”

Jen smiled slightly. “Do you not think he’s had moments of being just as scared as you are? Why do you think he’s not pushing you? Sure, he may be frustrated and he may wish things were different, but that does not mean he doesn’t understand.”

“I’m not just going to walk away from him – no matter what Andie thinks.”

“I know that,” Jen said squeezing his hand. “Andie knows it too – she’s just hurting and unfortunately you’re the only one she can be angry at right now. But having said that, she does have a point. I’m not sure how much longer you’re going to be able to keep this quiet if you’re going to be there for him.”

“I know that,” Doug nodded. “I don’t want to keep it quiet anymore.”

“Don’t just say that for my benefit – or Andie’s.”

“I’m not. I’ve been thinking about it all day. All the things I have been scared of losing by telling people – I would happily give up all of those things just to make sure Jack is okay. He is the only thing I need.”

Jen smiled, believing what Doug was saying. “You don’t have to do this alone.”

“Thank you.”

“And you don’t have to keep pretending to be okay when all you want to do is fall apart.”

Doug shook his head. “I have to stay strong for Jack.”

“I am giving you the gift of a night off,” Jen said simply. “Tonight I will be strong enough for the both of us, how about that? Tonight you get to feel all the things I can see you trying to hide and in the morning you will pull yourself together and be strong for Jack.”

Doug tried to reply but no sound came out of his mouth, tears already threatening his eyes, touched by Jen’s kindness and understanding.

“He loves you, Doug,” Jen repeated. “There’s no way he’s going to leave you.”

As though Jen’s words opened the floodgates, Doug crumbled into her arms, releasing the despair that had been building all day. “I can’t lose him.”

“I know,” she whispered, pulling him close. She wrapped her arms around him tightly as his body shook – the pressure of everything he had been bottling up storming out of him. She was relieved to see it, having herself even begun to wonder if there was anything deeper going on behind his calm, sheriff-like composure. Wondering if he realised that his ability to hide his emotions could easily be misconstrued as not caring – knowing that was what Andie was struggling with. She knew that there were probably very few people who ever saw Doug like this – emotionally raw and out of control. She wondered if Jack had ever seen it – wondered what he was make of it. “It’s all going to be okay,” she said softly, hoping that she was right. 

**To be continued…**


	3. Holding On

There had been many conversations back and forth about leaving the hospital – each of them suggesting that the others should get some rest, meanwhile completely unwilling to even consider being the one to leave. Eventually everyone realised that no one was going anywhere and even though they did not want to admit it, it was for the same reason – they did not want to leave in case Jack took a turn. 

It had been another two hours before they were informed that Jack was finally out of surgery and in the ICU under constant supervision. It seemed as though the doctors realised that suggesting that anyone leave would be futile. This only increased the worry flowing through each of them; assuming that the doctors were also shocked that Jack had survived everything he had so far – reluctant to give any assurances that things were looking up. They were given a new room to wait in just outside the ICU – this time one with a window. 

Doug knew that if it were not for knowing Andie, the doctors would have insisted on most of them leaving, but it seemed as though the confusion over relationship status seemed to be working in their favour. It was clear that the doctors were not sure what was going on – each of the four of them looking as worried as the next. Things had felt better in the room since he and Jen had returned. He was not sure if it was to do with his open outpouring of sorrow and confession of fear, or if Andie realised that what she had said had not been wholly fair. Either way, Doug was relieved to not have to deal with that on top of everything else. 

It felt like an eternity before someone else came in to let Andie know that she could go and see her brother. She stood apprehensively, looking round each person in room, unexpectedly reaching out and giving Doug’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before leaving. She was pleased to find that Jack’s room was close to where they had been sat in wait, not sure if she could manage to walk far on shaky legs.

The lights in Jack’s room were dimmed, as though knowing the difference between day and night made a difference to Jack’s state. The dipped light that shone down on Jack did nothing but make him look the palest Andie had ever seen - making him look more ghost like than she was willing to admit. The rise and fall of his chest was mechanical as the machines worked to keep him alive. A tube protruded from the side of his chest from where his lung had collapsed. Almost every patch of him was covered in a bruise, dressing or cast – some patches of his skin still showed signs of blood stain. She could see a large dressing on his head and his hair was still tinted red. But his face, though bruised, was Jack. She smiled softly, trying to just pretend that he was simply sleeping.

“You can hold his hand,” the nurse said, standing behind her. 

Andie turned to her and nodded, sitting in the chair next to Jack’s bed and gently taking hold of his hand, entwining her fingers with his – careful not to disrupt any tubes or wires. 

“Your brother is going to be under constant supervision for the time being,” the nurse continued. “We’re keeping a close eye on the swelling around his brain and his blood pressure.”

“How has he been since coming out of surgery?” Andie asked, not meaning to sound like she did while making rounds following surgery of one of her patients.

“He’s doing fine,” the nurse nodded. “He has age on his side. He’s strong.”

“He is,” Andie nodded, keeping her eyes on Jack, wondering what he would make of all this fuss. “It’s normally you looking after me, not the other way around, huh?” she said softly. “You need to keep fighting, okay? Everyone is here – Jen, and Pacey, and Doug. He’s really worried about you.” Andie wondered if she should be saying anything about Doug in front of the nurse stationed in Jack’s room, but ultimately she decided that she did not really care. This was about Jack – not Doug. Jack needed to know that people were routing for him. “He’s been here the whole time. I don’t think anyone is going to be able to convince him to go home until you go with him.”

She thought about the things she had said to Doug earlier that evening – she knew that Jack would not have approved of her outburst. She knew it had not been fair but she was so terrified that Jack was not going to pull through. She was so scared that she would never get to see him again, touch him again, talk to him again. She needed someone to blame – and while she knew Doug was not responsible, the anger she felt about is inability to acknowledge Jack publicly had bubbled over, finding something new to latch onto. But through his fear – despite his concerns of being found out, he was there. He showed no intention of leaving. He was just as scared as she was.

“I wasn’t very kind to him earlier,” Andie said out loud, wondering if on some level Jack already knew that. “I’m sorry.” She looked at her brother closely, hoping for some kind of movement or sign that he knew she was there, even though she knew that would not happen. “Who thought we’d be back here again,” she whispered. “But this time you, not Tim. Please don’t go like he did. I need you. You’re more like a twin than a brother. You’re the other part of me. You are the calm to my storm and the kindness to my spite. You’ve always let me go just far enough to find what I needed, while still keeping me close enough to feel loved. You keep me level, Jack – you always have. There is no one else like you in the whole world. We need you.”

Andie wondered if Doug felt the same – that Jack was the other half of him, a remedy for all that was broken, the light in the darkest times, the strength needed to get through the day. She knew that Jack felt that way about Doug, even without him saying as much. Something had changed in Jack over the last few months of being with Doug. He seemed stronger, more settled, as though he was no longer fighting against the tide. Something about having Doug in his life made it so that he was able to tread water; no longer slipping beneath the surface. She knew what Jack needed and she knew it was down to her to make it happen.

“How long before Jack can have other visitors?” Andie asked, turning back to the nurse in the corner of the room.

She looked up from what she was doing, having been trying to give Andie as much privacy as possible. “I don’t imagine it will beyond immediately family for a while,” she replied. 

“How is that defined?” Andie asked, trying to think quickly. “I am Jack’s only blood relative in the area,” she said, knowing their dad would not be in town any time soon. 

“Siblings, parents, children,” the nurse detailed, not sure what Andie wanted her to list. “Even then visits will need to be limited in number and length.”

“Partners?” Andie asked, raising her eyebrows.

“Of course – spouses,” the nurse nodded. “Girlfriends and boyfriends,” she continued, slightly questioning, “are not usually authorised for visitation until we get beyond this stage. Maybe by tomorrow evening, depending on how he’s doing.”

“But a fiancé though – that would be allowed?”

The nurse smiled slightly. “I think I could put a case forward.”

“Thank you,” Andie smiled back, a slight tear in her eyes, knowing that this was the only way she could apologise to Doug for before – hoping he would approve of her slightly dishonest tactics. 

“Not tonight though. In the morning.” 

Andie nodded, smiling back at Jack, giving his hand a squeeze. “Not long,” she said softly.

“I’ll need a name for the chart,” the nurse said.

“Of course,” Andie said, turning back to the nurse. “Doug. Doug Witter.”

“Right,” she smiled, writing something down. “It all makes a little more sense.”

“If you could keep it as discreet as possible.”

“Of course,” the nurse nodded in understanding. “Tell Doug that I’ll come and find him in the morning.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Doug watched as Jack busied himself in the kitchen, having immediately started the washing up following dinner and now wiping down the counters – it was clear that he had something on his mind. He had been quieter that normal all afternoon, on occasion looking at though he was about to say something that then never came. It was beginning to make Doug feel nervous, wondering what could possibly be playing on his mind that he felt unable to talk about._

_After a couple more minutes watching Jack desperately looking for something else to do to keep himself busy, Doug decided he needed to address it head on. He stood from the couch and made his way over to Jack, looping his arms around Jack’s waist from behind and removing this dish cloth from his hands, putting it down on the counter._

_“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” he asked softly, his stomach in knots, hoping he was not initiating something catastrophic._

_“Nothing’s wrong,” Jack shook his head, not doing as good of a job as he thought at forcing a smile._

_“Okay,” Doug smiled, “I’ll reword my question. Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind?”_

_“Are you just trying to catch me out with your sheriff semantics?” Jack asked, turning around in Doug’s arms to be facing him._

_“Are you just trying to change the subject?”_

_“Are you just going to respond with more questions?” Jack smiled, waiting for Doug to break._

_“You know I can do this all day, right?” Doug laughed. “It’s my job.”_

_“No perp could ever been more stubborn than a high school student – I think I’ll have the edge here.”_

_“So there is something on your mind but you’re being stubborn and not telling me?” Doug smiled._

_“Is that was you devised from that?” Jack laughed, realising that Doug had him in the ropes and he was going to have to spill eventually – but not just yet. “Assumptions like that are responsible for innocent people getting arrested.”_

_“Would you like me to arrest you and question you under caution?” Doug teased._

_“On what grounds? Suspicion of over cleaning the kitchen?”_

_“I’m sure I could think of something,” Doug raised an eyebrow. “Or I could just handcuff you.”_

_“I’ll plead the fifth,” Jack shrugged, kissing Doug softly before moving from the circle of his arms, heading over to the couch and sitting down. He slouched back, kicking his feet up onto the coffee table as he switched on the TV and started flicking through channels._

_Doug sighed, moving over to sit next to him. “As much as I’m enjoying this little back and forth, could be maybe put a pin in it and just have a serious conversation? Clearly something is on your mind. I just wish you would tell me what.”_

_Jack remained looking at the TV for a moment before switching it off. “It’s nothing – honestly,” he said. “I was thinking about asking you something, but I think I know how that conversation is going to go and I’d rather just…”_

_“Not bother?” Doug asked._

_Jack rolled his eyes slightly, turning his head towards Doug, still resting it against the back of the couch. “I wouldn’t have worded it quite so dismissively.”_

_“How would you word it then?”_

_“An act of self-preservation,” Jack replied. “Trying to protect against almost certain disappointment.”_

_Doug shifted slightly on the couch so that his face was level with Jack’s. “And how it is that you’re imagining that I’ll disappoint you?”_

_“This is exactly why I didn’t want to say anything,” Jack groaned, turning away and putting the TV back on._

_“I’m sorry,” Doug said quickly. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to know what’s going on.”_

_Jack took a deep breath, not wanting to cause an argument. They had been together a couple of months, and while everything was going really well, there was always a dark shadow over them – one that Jack originally thought he could ignore, but it only seemed to be getting bigger. “It’s not a big deal. Andie is receiving a really prestigious award. It’s at some event in Boston.”_

_Suddenly Doug wished he had not pushed, knowing exactly where this conversation was now headed._

_“She mentioned it a couple of weeks ago and needs to know numbers,” Jack continued. “I just thought that, maybe, because it’s not in Capeside…” he trailed off, not having it in him to ask, already knowing from Doug’s body language what the answer was bound to be._

_“Jack,” Doug said softly and apologetically, in the way he always did._

_“It’s okay,” Jack sighed, returning his attention to the TV. “Could we just pretend that I never said anything?”_

_“Is that what you really what you want?” Doug asked, taking the remote from Jack and turning the TV off again._

_“What I really wanted was to have actually not said anything so we could continue to pretend that everything here is working as well as we like to believe,” Jack replied, irritated by Doug’s pushing but unwillingness to change anything._

_“Do you really think that’s fair?” Doug asked._

_“Nothing about this is fair,” Jack replied, standing up from the couch and heading back into the kitchen, frustration flowing through him, preventing him from being able to sit still. “It’s like the goalposts keep moving.”_

_“What do you mean by that?” Doug asked, remaining on the couch, wanting to keep some distance between them, knowing Jack was going to start pacing any second, incapable of standing still – the biggest indicator of how angry he really was inside._

_“I get the whole Capeside thing,” Jack said, shaking his head. “I don’t agree but I get it. I’ve listened to your reasoning and I’ve tried my best to understand. But the parameters of Capeside just seem to keep growing. Boston is over an hour away and that’s still not safe enough.”_

_“Yes, Boston is an hour away, but this sounds like a big event – you have no idea who is likely to be there, and the in the realms of law enforcement, Boston is not that far away.”_

_“What if it were in New York?” Jack asked._

_“But it’s not in New York.”_

_“What if it was? Would that be far enough away or would you find another excuse? Too many tourists, too many links to my past, still on the east coast – the truth is, Doug, that I don’t think there is anywhere you would be willing to be seen in public with me.”_

_Doug shook his head. He did not know how to convince Jack that what he said was not true. He stood from the couch, heading in Jack’s direction, watching as Jack had already found something to keep himself busy – anything to stop him from having to look at Doug._

_“I don’t want to fight about this,” Doug said softly, leaning against the counter next to Jack._

_“Well, you don’t get to control everything,” Jack replied. “You’re the one who wanted to talk about this.”_

_“So let’s talk. This doesn’t need to be so highly charged all the time.”_

_Jack turned to him suddenly, anger burning in his eyes as though Doug had accused him of being overly dramatic. “What do you expect? For me to not care about any of this? To just shrug it off and get on with it? I love you and yet I can’t even ask you to share something important to me without you acting like I’m trying to expose you to the world.”_

_Doug simply looked back at Jack, a small smile forming on his lips, seemingly much to the frustration of Jack who was staring back at him, annoyance still all over his face, waiting for Doug to defend himself. But Doug continued to smile._

_“What is wrong with you?” Jack asked. “Why are you smiling like that?”_

_Stepping closer and taking hold of Jack’s hand, his smile remained. “I love you too.”_

_Jack suddenly realised what he had said during his outburst, mentally kicking himself for blurting out the previously unspoken words like that. “You drive me mad,” he smiled, rolling his eyes._

_Doug pulled him close, wrapping his arms around him. “But you love me.”_

_“You’re infuriating,” Jack shook his head._

_“But you love me,” Doug repeated._

_“I have no idea why.”_

_“But you do,” Doug smiled, kissing him. “You’re so stubborn.”_

_Jack could not help but laugh slightly, shaking his head. “You love it.”_

_“No - I love you,” Doug smiled. “More than you’ll ever know.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andie was able to spend less than an hour with Jack before she was asked to step out of the room to allow for doctors to complete some checks. She knew from experience that this would not be a quick so she decided to stretch her legs, letting the nurse know that she would head back to their waiting room shortly should she be needed. She had no idea what time it was but the hospital was quiet, the sky outside was pitch black. It was only as she walked around the long corridors of the hospital she had grown to know well, that she realised how hungry and tired she felt. Nothing around her looked or felt as it had that morning when she had arrived at work, but somehow seeing Jack and being able to hold his hand, even if only briefly, was enough to push her from the hazy blur she had spent hours lost in.

She headed to the staff canteen, knowing that they would still have food, assuming that everyone would be just as hungry as she was. Loaded up with meals and coffee she headed back to the waiting room, knowing that they would be eagerly waiting for news.

“You’re back,” Jen said, standing up immediately, trying to read Andie’s face.

“They’re doing some routine checks so I thought I would get us all something to eat and some coffee,” she said, closing the door behind her and placing the takeout boxes on the table. “Jack would be mortified to think we were all sat here hungry and tired.”

“How is he?” Doug asked, surprised by Andie’s more upbeat mood.

“As expected,” Andie shrugged, handing everyone a cup of coffee. “He looks pretty beat up. There are a lot of tubes and machines, but when you’re able to see past that, it’s just Jack. He doesn’t look in any pain.”

Pacey stood up from where he was sitting and gave Andie a hug. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m fine,” she nodded. “Honestly. Seeing him helped. He just looks like he’s asleep.”

“Is there anymore news?” Jen asked, taking a takeout box and handing it to Doug before grabbing one for herself.

“No,” Andie signed, sitting down. “They’re just monitoring him. I think it’s going to be like that for a while.”

Doug looked over at Jen, wondering if she was thinking the same thing he was. He could not bring himself to ask the question, not sure he could face the disappointment of the answer. Jen understood his look instantly. 

“When do you think they’ll allow visitors?” Jen asked. “Do you think we’ll be able to see him in the morning?”

“It’s just family at the moment,” Andie replied, feeling guilty.

Doug hung his head slightly. Even though he knew that was going to be the answer he still felt the hit of disappointment. 

“It’s likely to be like that until he’s cleared 24 hours out of surgery. They are monitoring round the clock at the moment,” she explained. “Just limited access to close blood relatives and spouses until after that point.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Pacey nodded, feeling his brother’s frustration, but also noticing a slight smile on Andie’s face, causing him to wonder what was going on.

“I don’t know much about comas,” Doug said softly. “I don’t know if he can hear you, but could you just let him know we’re here?”

“I did,” Andie nodded. “But you can tell him yourself when you see him in the morning.”

Doug looked up at her confused. “What do you mean?”

“I asked them to add you to the visitation list,” she smiled warmly. “I’m sorry about what I said before – I didn’t mean it. I was angry and scared. But I know you’re feeling the same.”

“Are you being serious?” Doug asked, stunned but incredibly grateful.

“The nurse will come and find you when you’re able to go in. I doubt you’ll get long, but she promised.”

“How?” Doug asked. “I don’t understand.” 

Andie smiled sheepishly, her eyes darting between Pacey and Jen who were also looking at her with questioning eyes. “I may have lied just a little. I really hope you don’t mind.”

“What did you do, McPhee?” Pacey laughed. “Do you not think they’ll figure out pretty quickly that Doug’s not a brother?”

“I haven’t made him a McPhee,” Andie rolled her eyes at Pacey. “That’s a very exclusive club.”

“What did you tell them?” Doug asked, growing a little more nervous.

“Please don’t be angry. I told the nurse that you and Jack are engaged,” she replied, offering a shy smiled.

Doug stared back at her; his mouth slightly open as though he was looking for the right words. Both Jen and Pacey stared at each other in silence, waiting to see Doug’s reaction. The moment that Doug started to laugh the weight of the room lifted and everyone else joined in.

“Thank you,” Doug said softly, not caring what Andie had needed to say to get in through the door, just grateful that she had done it. 

“I’ve asked them to be discreet.”

“I don’t care about that,” Doug said adamantly.

“Who proposed?” Pacey laughed. “Come on, big brother – I want all the gossip.”

“It was definitely Doug,” Jen joined in. “Probably at the end of one of the God awful hikes that they seem to enjoy.”

“Or on one of their secret weekends away from Capeside,” Pacey laughed. 

“Or in the middle of Central Park on a trip to visit Jen and Grams,” Andie suggested.

“Are there any more cliches you would like to suggest?” Doug shook his ahead.

“I’m sorry,” Pacey laughed. “Do you have a better suggestion?”

“Not off the top my head, but if I were going to propose I wouldn’t be in any of those incredibly obvious and corny ways.”

“Who are you to criticize our suggestions?” Jen smiled, wishing Jack could hear them now.

“For a start, I’m the only one here that’s engaged,” Doug joked. 

“The man has a point,” Pacey shrugged.

“I wonder what Jack would make of all of this?” Andie asked.

“I think he would be disappointed to be missing his own engagement party,” Jen joked, “but otherwise I think he would be pleased to see us all together and smiling.”

“Does it not feel a little wrong?” Doug asked.

“No,” Pacey shook his head. “This is what he would want.”

“It’s going to be a long night,” Jen sighed. “Does anyone think they’ll manage to sleep?”

“I’m used to sleeping upright in these chairs,” Andie shrugged, “but I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight.”

“You should try,” Doug replied warmly. “There’s nothing else we can do.”

“That’s not completely true,” Pacey smiled, causing the others to look at him questioningly. “We have a wedding to plan!”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__  
It felt strange spending a Saturday evening without Jack. Doug had tried to keep himself busy, doing all the things that had been building up on his list of chores, ordering take out as cooking for one seemed too tedious, watching a movie he had wanted to see for a while. The whole time he was unable to keep his mind off of Jack – wondering if he was having a good time in Boston. He and Andie had decided to make a weekend of it, sharing in some much needed sibling time. They had booked into a hotel in the center of the city, only a short walk from where Andie’s award ceremony was taking place. Jack had messaged to tell Doug that he had arrived safely but there had been nothing since.

_Doug had stayed up later than usual, hoping that maybe Jack would call before bed, but by midnight Doug decided it was time to call it quits. He got changed and climbed into bed, reaching out for his phone one last time. He figured there was no harm in sending Jack a message to let him know he was thinking of him._

_‘I hope you’re having a good time. Good night,’ he sent._

_He had only just turned off the light when his phone started to ring. He smiled seeing Jack’s name lighting up the screen before quickly answering. “Hi,” he smiled._

_“You’re still awake,” Jack grinned, his voice not quite as clear as usual._

_“Just about,” Doug replied. “Are you okay?”_

_“Me?” Jack asked, followed by a crashing sound. “Yeah,” he laughed._

_Doug could not help but smile. “Jack, how much have you had to drink tonight?”_

_“What are you accusing me of?” Jack asked, feigning insult. “Less than Andie.”_

_“Where is she?”_

_“I just walked her to her room.”_

_“Are you back in your room?” Doug asked._

_“I hope so,” Jack laughed. “The key worked.”_

_“Probably a safe assumption then.”_

_“You’re missing out,” Jack said, followed by the sound of what Doug assumed to be him falling back onto the bed. “This room is amazing. This bed is so comfortable that I may never come home.”_

_“More comfortable than my bed?” Doug asked, raising his eyebrows as though Jack could see him._

_“I guess you’ll never know,” Jack replied playfully. “The same way you will never know how incredible I look tonight.”_

_“I’m sure I can imagine.”_

_“You’ll never get the full experience. The amount of effort that went into preparing for tonight was unparalleled.”_

_“Are you saying that you make more effort for your sister than you do for me?” Doug teased._

_“Well, it’s not every day that I’m in a room full of doctors. I wanted to make a good impression.”_

_“Is that you’re thing now, Jack?” Doug asked with a smile. “Moving on to doctors?”_

_“It seems like smart move,” Jack teased. “I can see the benefits of having a doctor on hand. It takes away the tedious problem of health insurance. Whereas you, Sheriff, have not yet arrested a single one of my foes.”_

_“Foes?” Doug laughed. “You really have had a lot to drink.”_

_“Who knows,” Jack shrugged._

_“Well, you get a me list of those foes and I’ll see what I can do.”_

_“I’ll start working on it immediately.”_

_“And don’t you forget, I probably save you more in speeding tickets than you spend on health insurance,” he joked. “You do have insurance, right?”_

_“Yes, I do,” Jack laughed. “Which is why I declined when one of the nice doctors offered me a full medical.”_

_“Glad to hear it,” Doug laughed. “So how many of those so called ‘nice doctors’ have hit on you tonight?”_

_“More than if you had been here by my side,” Jack sighed. “It would have been more fun if you were here.”_

_“I’m sorry.”_

_“Don’t apologise,” Jack replied. “After all, it’s you that’s missing out – I am wearing my best suit. The one that I hardly ever wear.”_

_“Well, maybe you’ll have to wear it for me some time,” Doug smiled, imagining Jack in his suit._

_“Sorry, Sheriff, no can do. This was a one off opportunity. The perfect convergence of all the required elements – the city, the hotel room, just the right blood to alcohol ratio. You should be the one here right now removing my suit and dirtying these sheets.”_

_Doug groaned slightly, becoming increasingly turned on by Jack’s voice and the images in his head. “Is this your way of punishing me not coming?”_

_“Not even close,” Jack said, his voice low and raspy. “If only you bought into the latest technological trends I could have sent you a picture of exactly what you’re missing. It’s 2008, phones can do more than calling and texting.”_

_“I’ll remember that for next time,” Doug smiled. “But until then, Mr. McPhee, skilled English teacher that you are – you’ll have to set the scene for me without any photographic aids.”_

_“What exactly would you like to know?”_

_“What was the last drink you had?” Doug asked. “I want to know what you taste like.” Doug sat up a little more in bed, puffing the pillow behind him before leaning back._

_“That would be a very expensive whiskey,” Jack replied, the smile evident in his voice, followed by what sounded like him moving into a different position._

_Doug exhaled slowly, imagining the taste on Jack’s lips, the warmth of his tongue. Pushing back the sheets on his bed, has hand slipped below the waistband of his shorts. He tried to hold back a moan as his fingers wrapped firmly around his hardened length. “What are you doing now?”_

_“Everything alright, Sheriff? Your voice sounds a little strained,” Jack teased._

_“What are you doing?” Doug asked again, eyes closed, holding the phone against his ear as the other continued to move._

_“I’m just lying on this incredible bed – you know, the one that you should be in right now. Close enough to me that it would be my hands doing the work; not yours.”_

_“Are you still wearing your suit?”_

_“Shoes and all,” Jack replied._

_“Too many clothes,” was all Doug could manage as his hand continued its pleasure giving. Doug heard Jack chuckle slightly, in a way he only ever really did when he had been drinking, followed by a thud, quickly followed by another._

_“Shoes are gone,” Jack informed. “Socks too – I’m not willing to enter into any creepy socks on fantasy you may have.”_

_“Pants next,” Doug instructed._

_“Not jacket?” Jack asked playfully._

_“No, jacket stays on,” Doug replied, voice catching slightly._

_“You’re the boss,” Jack smiled._

_Doug listened closely to the sound of Jack unfastening his belt, imaging it all in his mind._

_“This would be much easier with you here helping,” Jack laughed._

_“Or if you’d had less to drink,” Doug smiled, having always liked drunk Jack. He was a nice drunk – more tractile and less inhibited, while still maintaining boundaries with whoever he was with. He found almost everything funny, including himself, and from seemingly nowhere developed this incredibly sexy look in his eyes, as though they became darker – stormier. That was the image Doug had in his head, causing him to moan with pleasure._

_“You like it when I’m drunk,” Jack said, calling Doug out on the truth. Not that it happened often._

_“You’re a sexy drunk,” Doug agreed._

_“How would you be taking advantage of my sexy drunkenness if you were here?” Jack asked, enjoying listening to the sound of Doug’s voice and heavy breathing._

_“If I were there,” Doug smiled, imagining it, “you wouldn’t have made it much past the hotel room door before I kissed you. I would have had you up against the wall, my mouth working on that spot on the right side of your neck that always makes you moan.”_

_As if on cue, Jack made exactly the noise that Doug was imagining, and Doug knew he was doing exactly the same thing he was._

_“And that bed that you seem so keen on,” Doug continued. “We wouldn’t have got that far. I would have unbuckled you belt, removed only just enough clothing to take you in my mouth and just when you couldn’t take anymore I would stop, pull away, turn you around and take you right there against the wall – still in your suit.”_

_“I don’t think you are quite appreciating the immenseness of this bed,” Jack laughed, enjoying his delve into Doug’s mind._

_“There would be plenty of time for that,” Doug reasoned. “You know if I had been with you tonight, I can guarantee that I would have struggled to keep my hands off of you.”_

_“I used that cologne you like,” Jack smiled. “I thought of you when I put it on.”_

_“Fuck,” Doug moaned, so nearly pushed over the edge by Jack’s words, almost able to smell him lying next to him like he should have been. He was getting close, trying to hold it together, not wanting to let go yet. He thought he was regaining control until Jack spoke again._

_“Doug,” Jack moaned into his phone, feeling the same rush as Doug._

_Hearing his name, spoken so lustfully, was more than Doug could handle, sending in free falling over the edge, releasing a moan that was full of need and regret – leaving him wondering why he had let his insecurities stop him from being there and getting to see Jack’s face as he too gave in to overwhelming pleasure coursing through him – feeling his skin against his own, being able to hold Jack in those beautifully heady moments after._

_“I love you,” Doug whispered softly, having the same effect on Jack as hearing his own name had on him. “I think you’re amazing.”_

_He heard Jack collapse back onto the softness of his pillows, trying to regain control over his breath. “I wish you were here.”_

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug stood in the doorway, unable to take another step inside the room. In his mind he wanted to rush to Jack’s side. He wanted to be strong enough to take his hand and to talk to him. He wanted to stroke his hair, entwine their fingers, kiss him softly on the cheek, but his body was refusing to move. He could feel the same panic that had risen up inside him at the scene of the accident, it once again taking over – wrapping itself around his lungs, squeezing the air out of him until he felt as though he could collapse right there on the spot. The same rush of adrenaline that turned his stomach – the one that should have initiated a fight or flight but instead caused him to freeze. If he stood still; if he did not blink; if he did not take breath, then maybe time would stop – and while paused there was no chance of anything bad happening to Jack.

“It’s okay,” the nurse said softly, her hand resting gently on Doug’s arm. “I know it’s daunting but it’s the same person you’ve always known.”

Doug’s eyes fixed on of the machines crowding the bed. Andie had said that there were a lot but he had not quite imagined this. “There’s so many machines,” he said faintly as though his thought had seeped out of him rather than actual words.

“I can tell you what they all are if you like?” she said, her hand moving to the small of Doug’s back, easing him into the room slightly. 

He allowed her to move him further into the room. The paleness of Jack’s skin becoming even more stark. He could not believe this was real.

“This one is the ventilator. It’s controlling Jack’s breathing for him at the moment,” she explained, gesturing to the larger machine linked to the tube coming out of Jack’s mouth before pointing at another one. “This one is monitoring the pressure around Jack’s brain. You’ll be pleased to know that so far the readings are really positive.” 

Doug noticed that it was connected to a small wirelike tube that seemed to be inserted into Jack’s skull. Andie had not mentioned that and he wished she had – just looking at it was making him feel slightly faint. Doug nodded, appreciating the nurse taking time to explain it all to him, but did not feel capable to a verbal response.

“This one here is controlling the drugs required for maintaining Jack’s induced coma. The screen here monitors Jack’s brainwaves – again, this is looking good,” she smiled warmly. “Then you have this monitor here that gives us all the readings we need regarding heartrate, heart rhythm, blood pressure, respiration – all the heart and lung related stats. It can be noisy at times but you get used to it. It allows us to see what’s going on from outside the room.”

Doug could not get the beeping out of his head – it seemed louder than anything he had ever heard, leaving him wondering how anyone could ever get used to it.

“I know it seems like there are a lot of tubes and wires but they all have a role to play in Jack’s recovery. Please don’t worry about any of them – hopefully over the next few days you’ll start to see some of them disappear.”

“Do you really think so?” Doug asked.

“I do,” she nodded. “Here, sit down.” She moved the chair closer to the bed and watched as Doug sat. She smiled warmly, knowing how difficult it was to see someone you love in such a foreign state. She reached out and took hold of Doug’s hand, lifting it and resting it on the bed, moving Jack’s ever so slightly until their fingers met, smiling as Doug’s gripped hold of Jack. “You’re not going to hurt him,” she said softly, giving Doug a gentle pat on the shoulder. “I’m going to give you a few minutes. I’ll be right outside keeping an eye on the monitor.”

“Thank you,” Doug nodded, eyes fixed on Jack’s fingers wrapped within his hand. All of a sudden the sounds of the monitors faded away – he was lost in the feeling of the man he loved like no other. The image of machines faded into the distance – all he could see was Jack. His skin pale, lips dry and coarse, eyelids dark and unmoving. He moved his chair closer, his free hand going to Jack’s face, avoiding the tubes around his mouth, touching him lightly on his forehead, fingers gently grazing his dark hair. Underneath everything it was Jack – he could sense him there, fighting to breakthrough.

“I’m here,” Doug whispered softly. “I’m here now.” He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. “Jen’s here too – she drove down from New York. Amy is at home with Grams. Everyone is really worried about you, but I know you’re going to pull through. We still have many more years of you being stubborn and giving me hell,” Doug smiled. “And I won’t even pretend that I don’t love it when you do, because I do love it. I’ve never loved anything more. I love how your forehead creases when you’re annoyed at me, or think I’m fussing needlessly. I love how I know you’re about to give in when you smile just on the left side of your mouth and you roll your eyes like a teenager. I love how you know things that most people don’t, and the things that most people do know, you seem to have no idea about,” Doug laughed, remembering so many funny and bizarre conversations where Jack just had no clue. “I love how you care so intensely; how you will do anything for anyone, even when they don’t deserve it. Even when I don’t deserve it,” he added, looking down at their hands once again. “We have too much more to do together for this to be it. So take all of that frustration you have ever felt towards me and channel it into beating this. And I promise you I will let you win every fight and disagreement we have for the rest of our lives,” Doug smiled. “But I’ll still fight with you first because I know deep down you love it too.”

Doug sat quietly for a moment, simply content being with Jack. He remember feeling that way around Jack when he had first returned to Capeside; before he realised that his feelings were more than just friendship. Whenever he bumped into Jack at the Icehouse or dinner at Pacey’s, just being around him made him feel calm, as though the internal storm subsided whenever Jack spoke or smiled, regardless of what he said or who he was smiling at. Simply being within Jack’s magnetic field was enough to fix what had been broken inside of him for years – having previously given up all hope of ever recovering. It turned out that all he needed was Jack.

“I’m so sorry – for the other morning and for all the other times I have been incapable of giving you what you need. I promise you that it won’t be the case anymore,” Doug said, tears escaping his eyes. “The thought of losing you and no one even knowing that you’re mine. It shouldn’t have taken this to make me realise how stupid I’ve been. Nothing else matters, Jack. It’s just you. Everything else in my life I can live without – but I can’t live without you. I don’t want to.”

Doug’s thumb gently stroked Jack’s forehead as his palm lay gently against his skin. “Take as long as you need. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere. Take your time, but make sure you come back to me. Life doesn’t mean anything without you. And I promise you that things will be different. I’m going to show you how serious I am about us. I’m going to prove it. I’m going to show the world every chance I get.”

For a split second Doug thought he saw movement on Jack’s face. He stilled, moving his hand away. He could not quite put his finger on it. A twitch of the lips, a slight flicker of his eyelids – Doug could not be sure, but something seemed to change just for the briefest moment. He looked more closely, hoping to see it again, and when he did not see anything he decided he must have imagined it.

“I promise you, Jack. I am going to tell everyone how incredible you are and how much I love you. I don’t want to hide this anymore. I don’t want to keep you a secret. I am not ashamed of us. I love us – I love you. I am going to make sure everyone knows it.”

This time when there was movement, though so small most people would not have noticed it, Doug was sure. Like an electrical wave passing through him. “Jack?” he said softly, feeling a slight sift of muscle. “Jack?”

Suddenly the monitor above Jack’s bed started flashing red as an alarm started to sound. Doug stared up at it as the lines that had previously shown steady and consistent waves as they became erratic. Doug jumped up from his chair, ready to call from help, when a flood people burst through the door. Bodies were suddenly surrounding Jack. Doug could not take it all in – mere seconds ago everything was fine.

“He’s crashing!” one of the doctors shouted over her shoulder. “We need a crash cart now!”

Already one step ahead the nurse from earlier was running through the door with it in front of her.

“Page Doctor Patel immediately!” the same doctor called out, suddenly noticing Doug. “And someone get him out of here!”

**To be continued…**


	4. Choices

Doug pushed the door harder than he had planned to, causing it to swing back harshly. Pacey quickly raised his arms to stop it hitting him as it bounced back, following closely behind his brother as he dashed out of the hospital – watching as it dawned on Doug that he had no idea where he was going.

“Doug, come back inside,” Pacey said softly, catching up with the other man. He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder, instantly feeling it tremble. 

“I need to get out of here,” Doug replied desperately, his heart pounding in his chest. “I can’t breathe.”

“It’s okay,” Pacey tried to reassure, no idea of that were actually true. He had been watching his brother try and hold it together for the past twenty-four hours, knowing that there was no way he was going to be able to keep it up indefinitely. 

“You don’t know that,” Doug said angrily, pulling away from Pacey. “You didn’t see him, Pacey.”

“No, I didn’t,” Pacey shook his head. “So count yourself lucky that you did.”

Doug slumped back against the wall, shaking his head. “I can’t do this,” he said, chest rising and falling rapidly – fighting to keep control of his breath, wondering if Jack had felt the same in his last moments of consciousness. The image of Jack surrounded by doctors filling his head, doing nothing but cause his breathing to become more painful. 

“Take some deep breaths,” Pacey encouraged, standing in front of him. 

Doug shook his head, unable to do what Pacey was suggesting. His fear and pain raging through him, preventing him from regaining any control – no longer able to make out the sound of Pacey’s voice, his head instead filled with the sound of machines beeping rapidly and alarms going off. He could still feel the hands of nurses on his arms pulling him from the room, closing the door and preventing him from seeing anything further. But it had not stopped him from being able to hear all of the commotion or the sound of panic in every voice he heard. He had stood there frozen, watching more and more people flood into the room with more machines, though it had not been long before he was ushered away from outside the room, leaving him completely in the dark as to what was happening.

“Deep breaths, Doug,” Pacey repeated, grabbing hold of his brother’s shoulders, trying to get him to focus, watching him fall deeper into a panic.

Doug felt lightheaded, his breathing completely out of control. The world was spinning too quickly, like a ride at the funfair that continued to spin when all he wanted to do was get off. He could feel tears on his face – everything that he had tried to keep inside now tumbling out of him.

Pacey froze for a moment, unsure if he had ever seen his brother like this before. He was used to the usual Witter tough love way of dealing with things when it came to Doug but realised this was not the time. Remembering all the times Doug had noticed when he himself needed less of the toughness and more of the love, he pulled his brother into an embrace. “It’s going to be okay,” he said simply. “It’s all going to be okay.”

Doug’s body began to shake uncontrollably, the man that was used to being stoic and reserved, reduced to a crumbling mess in his brother’s arms. No longer caring about how he looked to others; no longer caring if anyone knew the secret he had buried so deep that even the man he loved more than the world had not been able to pull from him for the world to see. The secret that had kept him in shackles for his whole life, only becoming heavier and tighter the more his heart swelled for Jack. His pain and despair managing to do what his love had not quiet managed: make his secret look insignificant and futile. 

Yet a whole new set of doubt crept into his thoughts – as though one demon was replaced by another – what if there was no more Jack? What if the alarms on the machines were sirens of warning to Doug – warning him that the promises he was making to Jack were merely the dangerous and delusional musings of man stricken with sadness and guilt, rather than a man who was thinking sense? What if this was the universe’s way of telling Doug not to run before he could walk? What if the universe was telling Doug that he had run out of time – his gesture of love being too little and coming too late? Losing Jack was his punishment for never treasuring what he had.

Pacey held his brother more tightly, wishing he could do something more. From what Andie had told them while Doug was in with Jack, Pacey knew that Jack looked pretty beat up. Just seeing him would have been enough to push Doug to the edge – let alone what had happened. Pacey had only just managed to convince himself that everything was going to be fine; that Jack would wake up, look at them in the same questioning way he always did, and wonder what all the fuss was about.

“What if he dies?” Doug sobbed, gripping onto Pacey’s shoulder for dear life.

“He’s not going to die,” Pacey said firmly – just as much for his own benefit as Doug’s.

“I don’t know what I’ll do.”

“He’s not going to die,” Pacey repeated, pulling away from his brother, returning his hands to his shoulders and holding him firmly. “This is Jack we’re talking about. He’s not going to give up so don’t you dare either.”

Doug did not want to say the words that were filling his head – that lying there in that bed with all the tubes and wires, Jack already looked more dead than alive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
“I had no idea this was even here,” Jack said, looking around the hiking trail that Doug had driven them to._

_“It’s a hidden gem,” Doug smiled, having always liked hiking there._

_“How far are we from Capeside?”_

_“Only about five or six miles. I used to come here as a kid. There’s two different trails that end up in the same spot. My mom used to walk the easy trail with Pacey and Gretchen when they were little and the rest of us would take the more difficult trail and meet them at the end.”_

_“Which trail are we taking?” Jack asked, hoping for the answer he knew he was not going to get, simply receiving a smile from Doug. “Figured as much.”_

_“Some of us from work used to come out here to train for our fitness tests.”_

_“I hope you’re not expecting that same level of fitness from me,” Jack laughed._

_“We used to run with heavy backpacks, I’m sure you can manage a Saturday morning stroll.”_

_“Saturday morning stroll?” Jack repeated. “I may not be police academy fit but I can handle more than a stroll. I’m twenty-five, not fifty-five.”_

_“Off you go then,” Doug encouraged. “I’m more than happy for you to take the lead. Nothing better than a Saturday morning hike with a view.”_

_Jack shook his head, digging his elbow into Doug’s arm. “I would have preferred breakfast in bed.”_

_“Tomorrow,” Doug promised. “First you need to earn it.”_

_“The only prerequisite for breakfast is waking up. Breakfast doesn’t need to be earned.”_

_“It does the way I’m planning it,” Doug winked, carrying on up the trail._

_Doug had spent the whole week trying to think of somewhere to go with Jack – somewhere outside, noticing that Jack was beginning to get cabin fever. While Doug’s work often took him outside and around town, Jack spent the majority of his day cooped up in a classroom or in meetings. Spending their weekends locked away behind closed doors was beginning to take its toll. It was not until an email popped up as a reminder that some of his deputies had their fitness tests due that he suddenly thought of his old hiking trail. It was the perfect location. In all the years he had been hiking there he had barely bumped into anyone; let alone anyone he actually knew. He figured that if they came early enough it was almost a certainty that they would have the place to themselves. He had been relieved when the small dirt track parking lot was empty on arrival._

_“How far does this trail go?” Jack asked as they continued up the path._

_“It splits off up ahead. If you head to the left it takes you on a loop around to a really nice vantage point that overlooks the water, and heading left takes you further up the hill through the woods. Each path is only a couple of miles.”_

_“Which way are we going – romantic sea view or creepy woods that would be ideal for disposing of a body?”_

_“I was going to suggest the woods, but now that you put it like that,” Doug laughed. “I don’t want you fearing for your life.”_

_“Who said that I was the one that’s going to end up dead?”_

_“I’m pretty sure I could overpower you,” Doug smirked._

_“Really?” Jack laughed. “You sound pretty confident.”_

_“I am,” Doug said simply, continuing up the track._

_Jack rolled his eyes, following on behind. “It’s very lucky that I don’t have any hang ups about being an alpha male.”_

_“And I do?” Doug asked, raising an eyebrow, glancing over his shoulder._

_Jack smiled. “No, Sheriff, of course not,” he said sarcastically._

_Doug could not help but smile, waiting a moment for Jack to catch up with him. “What do you fancy doing tonight?”_

_“Tonight?” Jack said thoughtfully. “I was thinking of taking my private jet to Paris for dinner.”_

_“Really? Of all the cuisines in the world, you choose to dine in Paris?”_

_“I never said I was going to eat French food. I chose Paris for the views.”_

_“How about I cook us something Italian?”_

_“I guess that would be better for my carbon footprint,” Jack smiled. “Sounds good.”_

_“Great,” Doug smiled, tempted to lean over and kiss the other man, but feeling too self-conscious in public – even if no one was around. He could tell that Jack noticed and appreciated the fact that he did not make a thing of it, instead just continuing to walk. Suddenly Doug glanced over his shoulder, looking back down the trail._

_“What is it?”_

_“I’ve just realised I left the water in the car,” Doug groaned, wondering if he could be bothered to go back at get it._

_“Do we need it?” Jack asked, knowing they would probably regret heading off without it._

_“I’ll run back and get it,” Doug decided. “You wait here.”_

_“That’s ok – I don’t mind coming too.”_

_“It will only take a couple of minutes – I’ll be quick,” Doug shook his head. “I’ll meet you back here.”_

_“If you’re sure,” Jack asked, pleased to not have to start the hike all over again._

_“I’ll be right back,” Doug smiled, turning and beginning to sprint back down the path. It was not far back to the car – he knew he could get there and back in only a few minutes. As he turned the final bend, he was surprised to see a figure stood near his car. He slowed slightly, trying to figure out who it was, realising as he got closer that it was one of his deputies._

_“Morning,” Doug said as he continued towards his car._

_“Doug,” Deputy Munroe greeted. “I’m glad to see you.”_

_As Doug approached he noticed Munroe’s bike on the ground. “Everything okay?”_

_“No, I’ve punctured my tire,” he groaned. “I cycled out here, planning to do a short hike before heading home, but I rode over something sharp and now the tire’s gone.”_

_“Would you like me to look at it for you?” Doug asked, mostly to be polite, glancing over his shoulder at the direction he had come from._

_“I’ve tried to patch it up, but it’s no good,” Munroe shook his head. “I was about to start walking back when I saw your car. Figured it wouldn’t be long before you reappeared.”_

_“Right,” Doug smiled, feeling even more uneasy, hoping Jack would not change his mind and come in search of him. “Good detective work,” Doug joked._

_“Are you heading back into town?” Munroe asked._

_Doug paused for a moment, unsure what to say – worried that if he said he was just starting his hike that Munroe would want to tag along. “Yes,” he replied, instantly regretting it._

_“Great,” Munroe grinned. “I don’t supposed I could have a lift back?”_

_Doug paused again, trying to think of a reason why not – one that would not result in Munroe crossing paths with Jack. Town was only a 15 minute drive. He could drop Munroe off and dash back and pray that Jack would be understanding. “Sure,” Doug replied, unlocking his car._

_“Do you think the bike will fit in the back?”_

_“Should do,” Doug replied, again looking in the direction he had come from, knowing he was about to do something really stupid. He stood watching as Munroe unclipped the wheels in order to fit it in the back, the whole time wishing he would hurry up, not wanting to leave Jack abandoned on the trail for too long, also aware that the longer he was gone the more chance there was of Jack coming in search._

_Doug jumped into the driver’s seat, starting the engine as Munroe finally managed to fit the bike inside before jumping into the passenger seat._

_“Thanks, Doug. I appreciate it. It would have been a long walk back.”_

_“No problem,” Doug forced a smile, quickly pulling onto the road, putting his foot down as much as possible, starting to sweat a little._

_“Good hike?” Munroe asked, noticing that Doug looked a little uneasy._

_“What?” Doug asked, not really paying attention._

_“Your hike?” Munroe repeated._

_“Oh, right,” Doug nodded. “It was just a short one.”_

_“Did you go on your own?”_

_“Yes,” Doug said shortly, regretting his tone._

_“I just remember you saying that your family used to come out here. Wondered if maybe you’d convinced your brother to tag along.”_

_“It’s not really his thing anymore. I’m not sure it ever was.”_

_“He doesn’t seem the type,” Munroe said in agreement. “He seems to always be working at the moment anyway.”_

_“He’s definitely keeping busy.”_

_Doug’s hands gripped onto the wheel so tightly that his knuckles were white, his body pulled forward, not even resting against the seat back, adrenaline flowing through him causing him to feel sick in his stomach. It was too late to change his decision now – he just needed to get back as soon as possible. He reached down turning on the radio, hoping that would negate the need to hold a conversation – not feeling capable._

_He continued to drive the road back into Capeside, hovering right on the speed limit wishing he could get away with going faster without causing suspicion – unsure what his officer and friend would be suspicious of, unlikely to link speeding into town with having left his secret boyfriend stranded in virtually the middle of nowhere. He could see Munroe glancing over at him, trying to ignore it, keeping his eyes straight ahead._

_“Would you like me to drop you home?” Doug asked, hoping that was Munroe’s intention as it would avoid passing through town and the roadworks on Hudson._

_“Actually the bike shop in town would be great if you don’t mind,” Munroe replied. “I’ll get the bike patched up and ride home.”_

_“Sure,” Doug said through gritted teeth, glancing down at the clock on the dashboard, wondering how much groveling it would take to make up for this._

_“Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?”_

_“Not particularly,” Doug shook his head, sure that the plans he did have were about to go out the window entirely. “You?”_

_“Heading out to see the in laws for dinner,” he groaned. “You should count yourself a lucky man that you don’t have all that to deal with.”_

_“My own parents are enough,” Doug replied, trying to keep up the act._

_“I’m surprised your mom isn’t trying to set you up with one of her friend’s daughters. Surely there must be a queue of singletons hoping to snag the town sheriff.”_

_“Thankfully not,” Doug forced a smile. “Work doesn’t exactly leave a lot of time for all that,” he added, trying to offer a believable excuse._

_“Work doesn’t keep you warm at night though,” Munroe laughed._

_“It also doesn’t make you have dinner with your in laws,” he countered._

_“Good point well made.”_

_Doug took the turning into town towards the bike store, immediately regretting his choice of route. “Shit,” he muttered under his breath seeing the buildup of traffic ahead, knowing it was going to add a substantial amount of time onto his journey._

_“The traffic around here has been awful since the works on Hudson,” Munroe groaned._

_Doug began drumming his fingers against the steering wheel, getting more anxious and impatient with each second. “Remind me to check in on their progress on Monday. The whole town is at standstill.”_

_“Will do,” Munroe smiled, noticing Doug’s frustration._

_The traffic was crawling along so slowly that Doug could not help but think Munroe could have got to his destination faster on foot. Looking down at the clock he nearly swore again, realising 30 minutes had already passed since he had left the trail. There was no way Jack would not have gone in search of him by now. He decided he would call Jack as soon as he had dropped off his passenger and apologise profusely – explain that he run into a colleague in need._

_Doug sighed with relief as he finally made it through the traffic, able to turn down the street he was heading towards, knowing that he was going to have to turn around and go back and contend with the same traffic on his way back to Jack._

_“Here you go,” Doug said, pulling up outside the store._

_“Thanks, Doug – you’re a lifesaver.”_

_“I wouldn’t go that far.”_

_“Let me grab you a coffee to say thank you,” Munroe said, gesturing towards the coffee shop next to the bike store._

_“No, there really is no need,” Doug said quickly, not wanting to be held up._

_“Come on,” Munroe insisted._

_“I really should be getting back,” Doug continued._

_“At least let me get you one for the road,” Munroe said, climbing out of the car, not looking as though he was going to take no for an answer._

_Doug considered simply driving off before remembering he had the bike in the back still. Watching as Munroe disappeared into the coffee shop Doug quickly jumped out of the car and began removing the bike from the back. Managing to reclip the wheels, he stood the bike up against the side of the car, waiting impatiently for Munroe to reappear._

_“Come on,” he muttered under his breath, looking down at his watch – another couple of precious minutes ticking by with him stood on the side of the street._

_“Here you go,” Munroe smiled, reaching out a cup to Doug as he emerged from the coffeeshop._

_“Thank you – you really didn’t have to.”_

_“It’s the least I can do. That walk would have been pretty unforgiving.”_

_“No problem,” Doug lied, picking the bike up from where it was rested and moving it away from his car. “I hope you get it fixed up.”_

_“Shouldn’t be too much of a problem.”_

_“See you Monday,” Doug said quickly, heading back to the driver’s side and climbing in quickly, not even waiting for a response. He put his coffee down in the cup holder, pleased to see Munroe had already made his way into the bike store, before pulling out his phone and quickly dialed Jack’s number._

_His heart sank even more when he heard ringing coming from inside the car. He leaned over and opened the glove box, seeing Jack’s cell phone. He quickly dropped his own phone down on the passenger seat and started the engine, pulling away from the curb._

_Once he was through the traffic in town he put his foot down, knowing full well that he was going well over the speed limit, deciding this had to be one of the perks of being sheriff. He glanced at the clock and realised that he had been gone for well over an hour – his stomach churning again._

_He turned harshly off the main road, quickly pulling up in the same spot he had been parked in earlier. He jumped out of the car, looking around for any sign of Jack - unable to see him anywhere near the parking lot. He began to sprint back up the track towards where he had left Jack, suppressing his desire to call out his name. Finally reaching the spot where he had last seen Jack he began to desperately look around, hoping to see him somewhere. He stopped, trying to catch his breath, wondering where Jack was likely to be – without a car or cell phone he could not have gone far. Wondering if maybe he had decided to continue on with the hike, Doug carried on up the path, knowing that if he was wrong then he was wasting time. Reaching the split in the path Doug had to make another decision – deciding to head into the woods, hoping Jack would be at the end of the trail, but fearing that he probably would not be.  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had taken a lot of convincing on Pacey’s part to get Doug to go back inside the hospital. Scared to face the potential heartbreaking news, while equally fearful of being the last to know. Pacey had finally convinced him that standing outside the hospital was not where Jack needed him to be. Regardless of the news there were people inside that needed their support and were ready to give him the support that he in turn needed.

As they turned the corner about to walk back to their waiting room they saw a doctor exit – the same one that had updated them the night before. Doug and Pacey exchanged a look, neither of them able to take breath – both of them trying to guess what the news was. They quickly strode down the hallway, bursting into the room – both Jen and Andie looking up at them like they were strangers, the look of shock visible on both of their pale faces.

“What’s going on?” Pacey asked, knowing that Doug was not capable.

“He’s stable again,” Jen said softly, know that was all they really wanted to hear.

For a moment Pacey thought Doug may collapse; feeling him sway next to him. He put his hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently, trying to ground him. “I told you,” was all he could say.

“You did,” Doug exhaled, realising that he had been holding his breath in wait since seeing the doctor leave the room – usually hating those particular words coming from Pacey; this time they were like music to his ears. 

“His blood pressure dropped which caused additional stress to his heart,” Andie explained. “He was lucky this time but if it happens again, they don’t know if his body can take it.”

Doug sat down in the seat he had been sat in most of the night, having forgotten until he had gone outside that it was morning again – a whole day had passed since he had last spoken to Jack properly. It felt like a lifetime ago.

“What do they think caused it?” Pacey asked.

“His body is working incredibly hard to keep going,” Andie said softly. 

“He’s fighting,” Jen smiled softly – knowing that was her own personal interpretation of it but preferred to think of it that way. She looked over at Doug, wondering what it had been like for him being in the room when everything had happened. “How are you holding up?”

“Okay,” he nodded, not wanting to confess to his breakdown out the front of the hospital, though sure it was probably visible on his face. 

“I think we need to start thinking about taking shifts,” Andie said softly. “I don’t think anything is going to change for a while and it doesn’t make sense for all four of us to be sat here all day and night.”

Pacey sighed. As much as he wanted to believe that they could exist in the bubble of that room he knew it was not true. He had a restaurant to look after, Jen had Amy, both Andie and Doug had work – all of them needed to sleep and shower and eat. “What do you suggest?”

“I’m open to suggestions,” Andie replied, not wanting to dictate to everyone how they should proceed. “I will eventually have to go back to work, but considering as I work here I will still be able to come by.”

“What are you going to do about Amy?” Pacey asked Jen.

“I spoke to Grams this morning. We’re thinking about them both coming to Capeside. Maybe stay at the Potter B&B if Bessie has space.”

“You can stay with me,” Pacey offered.

“That’s very kind,” Jen smiled, “But the last thing you want with everything else going on is a crying baby keeping you up at night.”

“Stay at Jack’s,” Doug said simply, causing everyone to look at him. “You know it’s what he would want. I have a key.”

“I don’t know,” Jen said, trying to think it through.

“Doug’s right,” Andie nodded. “Jack would want you to make yourself at home.”

“There’s no food in the refrigerator, but there should be everything else you need,” Doug added, remembering how he had been planning to stock up for Jack. 

“Okay,” Jen nodded. “I’ll call Grams later and make arrangements.”

“I’d be happy to drive to New York and pick them up,” Pacey offered.

“No, Pacey – that’s too much.”

“Jen, you did the long drive yesterday. I’m happy to do it. It will make me feel useful.”

“Thank you,” she smiled softly. 

“Anything that you would have gone to Jack for, just come to me, okay?” Pacey said softly, receiving a sad nod in response. “Promise?”

“Promise,” Jen said, a tear in her eye. 

“How about you, Doug?” Andie asked. “What are you planning to do?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said simply. “Not until things have improved.”

“That could be days,” Jen said. “What about work?”

“I don’t remember the last time I took time off for anything,” he replied. “I will talk to my more senior officers. I can deal with anything urgent from here if needed.”

“What are you going to tell them?” Andie asked.

“The truth,” Doug nodded defiantly. “Like I should have done a long time ago.”

“Are you sure?” Jen asked, wanting to check that he had thought everything through.

“Yes – unless you think I should take Jack almost dying when I told him that I was going to tell everyone as a bad omen,” Doug groaned, unable to push the thought from his mind.

The room went quiet as though they were all considering if it meant anything. A few looks were exchanged, hoping Doug would not notice, but he did.

“Jack has always had great comic timing – even as a child,” Andie smiled, almost laughing, despite every fiber of her being feeling the furthest thing from being in the mood to laugh.

“You can say that again,” Jen smiled. 

“You have to be pretty far in the closet if your own boyfriend nearly dies of shock when you decide to come out,” Pacey laughed, setting off a ripple of laughter. 

“Once again, thank you for your unwavering support,” Doug rolled his eyes.

“If mom and dad are fine with it, I’m sure everyone else will be,” Pacey reassured. “And if they’re not, well, who gives a crap.”

“Yeah, right,” Doug said unconvincingly. 

“We’re here for you,” Jen said simply. 

“Jack will be too,” Andie added. “Do it for him.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__

_Doug had walked the hike trail twice at pace before finally accepting that Jack was no longer there. It was now well over two hours since he had made the mistake of driving away and leaving him, and Doug knew he could be anywhere by now. In the glove box of Doug’s car, along with Jack’s cell phone was also his wallet and keys, having decided it was safer to leave them locked in the car rather than taking them on the hike, meaning that wherever Jack was he was without the essentials._

_Deciding that the most obvious place for Jack to have gone was home, Doug had sped back through town in that direction, keeping an eye out the whole time for other man. Unsure how long he may have waited for Doug before finally leaving, unsure what route he would have taken, or how fast he was walking, Doug did not know if Jack would be home yet. All of a sudden, only a couple of minutes from Jack’s house he spotted him – emerging from the path that ran along the beach front as it joined with the road. As he got closer he saw Jack notice him, pretty sure he saw him rolling his eyes, muttering some choice words under his breath._

_He pulled up alongside him, the car crawling along at a slow pace when Jack did not stop – if anything picking up pace. “Jack, I am so sorry,” he said desperately, deciding there was no point playing it cool – he needed to jump straight to groveling._

_“Go home,” Jack shook his head, not interested. He just wanted to get home himself._

_“Jack, please get in.”_

_“Why – so you can drive me 6 miles from home and just drive off?”_

_Doug cringed, knowing he could not argue with that. “It’s not what you think.”_

_“How would you know?” Jack snapped. “Are you a mind-reader now?”_

_“I bumped into someone from work,” Doug explained frantically, trying to keep his eyes on the road as well as pleading with Jack. “He needed a lift into town.”_

_“Could you let me know when you get to the part where I’m supposed to care?” Jack bit back stubbornly, not in the mood to listen to excuses._

_“I didn’t realise it was going to take so long. I came back as quickly as possible.”_

_“And it didn’t cross your mind to maybe let me know before you left?”_

_“I panicked. I wasn’t expecting to see anyone I knew out there.”_

_Jack stopped in his tracks, staring at Doug in disbelief. He had tried not to believe that Doug had purely chosen the location for a hike based on its remoteness – hoping that maybe he had wanted to share a piece of himself, but that was becoming increasingly hard to believe. “You’re unbelievable.”_

_“Jack, just get in the car,” Doug pleaded._

_“Why? Are you scared I’m going to cause a scene?”_

_“Please,” Doug begged. “Get in and we can talk about this properly.”_

_Jack glanced around, noticing a few people. As annoyed as he was with Doug, even he did not want to have an argument in public. Rolling his eyes a little, he reluctantly opened the car door but stopped short of climbing in. “You came back as quickly possible?” he asked._

_“Yes,” Doug said adamantly, waiting for Jack to get in._

_Jack shook his head, looking angrier than he had a few moments before. “So when did you have time to stop for coffee?”_

_Doug glanced down at the cup of coffee from Deputy Munroe, still sat in the cupholder. “That’s not what it looks like,” Doug protested quickly, realising how it looked._

_Jack reached into the car, opening the glove box and removing his possessions before slamming the door shut. “Screw you,” he snapped venomously_

_“Jack, please…”_

_“No,” Jack interrupted loudly, having had enough, not caring if anyone was looking. “We’re done.”_

_“You don’t mean that,” Doug said shocked, not willing to believe him._

_“Go home, get back in your closet and just leave me out of all your bullshit.”_

_Doug watched as Jack walked away, worried that following him would cause more of a reaction – something he was not willing to do in public. He needed to give Jack time to cool off and hope that he did not mean what he had said, panic building in his chest, scared that maybe Jack had meant every word._

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__

_Doug allowed a few hours to pass before trying to call Jack, unsurprised when the call was not answered. Having never had a fight with Jack before he was unsure what to expect – not knowing if Jack was likely to get more or less angry as time went on, hoping that he would have calmed a little since the morning. He pulled his car up outside Jack’s house, grabbing the grocery bag from the passenger seat as he climbed out – his only plan was to go in assuming the plans they had made that morning were still on._

_Walking up to Jack’s house he knocked lightly on the door, relieved when after a few moments the door opened._

_“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jack shook his head. “You’re joking, right?”_

_“I’ve come to cook you dinner,” Doug said simply, holding onto the grocery bag in front of his body as though he may need protection._

_Jack stared back at him for a moment, wondering if Doug had somehow forgotten what had happened that morning. He opened his mouth to say something before deciding against it, simply slamming the door closed instead._

_“Okay,” Doug nodded to himself. “More angry.”_

_Walking back through the house Jack slumped back down on the couch in the same spot he had occupied since returning home and having a quick shower. He had changed into his sweatpants and old college T-shirt and decided to partake in some cliched junk food binging in front of the TV, not wanting to do anything else. He picked up the tub of ice cream that he had put down in order to answer the door and carried on eating. He slouched down further into the couch, wishing he could erase the memory of the whole day – the memory of sitting in wait for Doug for over twenty minutes before deciding to walk back down the trail in search of him only to find his car gone. He wanted to erase the memory of sitting in the parking lot for another 30 minutes before giving up, trying to figure out where he was so he could find his way home – walking 6 miles alone with no cell phone, money or water._

_He knew from the very beginning that things with Doug were not going to be simple, but somehow Doug had a way of making him forget his concerns, pushing aside his worries that he was compromising a part of himself in a way that one day he would realise was unacceptable. That day had arrived. Faster than he had anticipated, but hitting him hard. He was angry at Doug for what had happened but he was also angry at himself for allowing it to happen._

_Suddenly hearing footsteps on the deck outside the back of his house he glanced over his shoulder, groaning when he saw Doug making his way to the back door, knowing full well that if he had not given up by now there was no way he was going to simply stop and knock again. Jack was right, watching as Doug opened the screen door and walked inside as though he had been invited._

_“What the hell is your problem?” Jack snapped, already feeling incredibly irritated._

_“I just want to talk to you,” Doug replied simply, trying to not be put off by Jack’s growing animosity._

_“Clearly I don’t want to talk to you.”_

_“How do you expect me to make this up to you if you won’t talk to me?”_

_Jack sat further forward on the couch, resting his head in his hands. “Doug, I don’t want to you make this up to me. I’m not interested. I just want you to leave so I can go back to pretending this is whole situation between us never happened.”_

_“You mean today?” Doug asked._

_“No, I mean all of it.”_

_“You don’t mean that.”_

_“Yes, I do,” Jack said, more angrily than he had meant to, growing increasingly frustrated. “I don’t want to do this anymore.”_

_Doug looked at him stunned, unable to comprehend what Jack was saying. “No,” he said simply, moving past Jack still sat on the couch and heading into the kitchen._

_“What do you mean ‘no’?”_

_“Just that – no,” Doug replied, beginning to unpack the bag he had brought with him, setting items on the countertop._

_Jack stared at him in disbelief. “Have you lost your mind?” he asked, finally standing from the couch and heading over to where Doug was, standing on the opposite side of the counter, watching as Doug continued to unpack the bag._

_Once again Doug looked at him and said one simple word – “No.”_

_“Stop saying no!” Jack said, losing his temper, grabbing the bag from Doug and beginning to pack it again. “Take whatever the hell this is and just go.”_

_“I’m not leaving until we talk about this,” Doug shook his head, somehow managing to stay calm._

_“What is there to talk about?” Jack asked, still repacking the bag, each item being thrown in with a little more aggression. “How you could rather abandon me on a hiking trail in the middle of nowhere rather than risk someone finding out you were there with me? Or how you are more than happy to sneak around in private and make countless promises that you clearly have no intention of keeping. Or would you like to talk about all the times you’ve been quite happily to screw me but still can’t accept that you’re gay!”_

_Doug was shocked by the venom in Jack’s words, never having heard him talk like that before. “It’s not about me accepting it,” Doug said firmly, pulling the bag away from Jack and once again unpacking it, making it clear that he was not going anywhere._

_“No, of course not,” Jack said sarcastically, shaking his head. “It’s everyone else that’s the problem.”_

_“I thought you understood.”_

_“Don’t turn this around on me,” Jack said, grabbing something from the counter and forcefully stuffing it back into the bag. “Because I do understand. I understand perfectly. It seems to be you that doesn’t understand that everything you hate about yourself, everything you want to hide and ignore, and stop other people from seeing – I am those things too. So how can you say you love me when you’re incapable of even liking yourself?”_

_Doug pulled the bag back harshly, causing it to tear. “I do love you!” he said angrily. “The real question is how can you say you love me when you don’t care about how I feel about this?”_

_“Don’t you dare!” Jack yelled, seeing red, picking up the closest thing to his hand on the counter and throwing it against the wall with force – an explosion of glass and tomato sauce erupting before them, causing a shocked silence. “Don’t you dare,” Jack repeated, his voice finally cracking. “Is that how it has to be? You do something to make me feel utterly worthless and I’m supposed to suck it up and accept it otherwise I’m guilty of not respecting your feelings? What about my feelings? When are you going to start caring about them?”_

_Doug stared back at Jack, realising that he had hugely underestimated the anger and hurt that he was feeling. “I do care,” was all he could manage to say._

_“No, Doug,” Jack shook his head. “You care about maintaining an image of yourself that isn’t true. You care about making sure people don’t realise who you really are. You care about getting enough of a fix to fulfil the part of you that you know you can’t keep silent anymore, but ultimately if you could switch off that voice in your head, you would.”_

_“And you wouldn’t?” Doug asked, feeling bruised by Jack’s words._

_“No,” Jack said simply, even more hurt than before. “I wouldn’t, because at the end of the day, no matter how difficult things can be at times, I like who I am.”_

_“How has this become about my feelings about being gay?” Doug asked frustratedly._

_Jack shook his head in disbelief. “Would you like to give another explanation for what happened today?”_

_Doug paused, realising Jack was right – of course it was about that. It was always about that. The fear and anxiety he felt virtually all of the time, the reasons behind nearly all of his decision making. “How can I make this up to you?”_

_“You can’t,” Jack replied softly, his head dipping, not able to look at the other man. “I knew this was a mistake right from the very beginning.”_

_“Don’t say that,” Doug pleaded._

_“I can’t do this anymore,” Jack shook his head._

_“No,” Doug refused to accept what Jack was saying, moving around the counter to be stood in front of him, reaching for his hand and holding it tightly. “I’m so sorry about today. I made a really stupid decision and I didn’t stop to consider how it would make you feel. I know what I did was awful, but is it really worth throwing everything away over?”_

_“I’m not trying to punish you,” Jack said softly, eyes still on the ground, unable to look Doug in the eye. “But I refuse to be in a relationship that is purely focused on how everything impacts you. I deserve better than that.”_

_“I know you do. Just give me a chance,” Doug begged. “Just give me some time.”_

_“No,” Jack said firmly, frustrated as tears fell, his head still dipped, feeling Doug’s hand on his cheek, lifting his face so he could look at him properly. “I can’t give you any more.”_

_“Please,” Doug begged. “Don’t do this. I’m sorry.”_

_“This isn’t about you being sorry or not. It’s not even about me. I can’t give you what you need.”_

_“I need you.”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head. “I’m just complicating things.”_

_“I love you.”_

_“You love the idea of me. But you’re not ready for this.”_

_“Jack, please.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly, knowing that if he continued to look at Doug he would lose his nerve. He felt Doug step a little closer, felt his other hand caress his cheek, his face fitting perfectly into the V of Doug’s hands. “I can’t,” Jack repeated._

_Doug leaned forward, his mouth finding Jack’s, kissing him with shaky lips, wanting nothing more than to feel Jack melt into him as he usually did, wrapping his arms around him, not wanting to let him go – but this time all he could feel was Jack’s tears on his cheeks._

_“You should go,” Jack said softly, stepping back._

_“Jack,” Doug said, not sure what to actually say._

_“Goodbye, Doug.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug shifted a little lower in his seat, wondering if it was safe to try and get a couple of hours sleep – hoping that someone would wake him if anything happened. Andie had decided to go home briefly and have a shower and get changed. She was going to return with supplies after a short nap – having made Doug promise to call if even the slightest thing changed. Jen had gone to Jack’s place to prepare for Amy’s arrival, while Pacey had started his long round journey to New York, making peace with the fact that he would be too far away from the hospital to make a mad dash back should anything happen.

Resting his feet against the edge of the table in front of him, Doug tried to get comfortable, closing his eyes, hoping that his body’s natural instincts would take over and give into the exhaustion he felt. Hoping his brain would switch off long enough to allow it to happen. He could feel the heaviness of sleep begin to take over his body when there was a knock at the door. He bolted upright, adrenaline coursing through him – his mind automatically going to the order in which he should make phone calls in the instance of bad news. But when the door opened, it was not a doctor, but instead Deputy Munroe. 

“I figured you were still here when you didn’t come into work this morning,” Munroe said, walking further into the room having looked around and noticed no one else was there. “I don’t know if you’ve eaten but I brought you breakfast.” He put a bag down on the table along with a coffee cup. 

“Thank you,” Doug said softly, unsure if he had actually had breakfast or not.

“I also grabbed a few things from your office. I hope you don’t mind,” Munroe continued. “Phone charger, laptop, that sort of thing.”

Doug looked back at the other man, touched by his consideration, realising that they were indeed more than colleagues – they were friends. Something Doug had never considered too closely before – used to keeping everyone at a distance. “I really appreciate it.”

“I was talking to Sarah last night at dinner,” Munroe said, sitting down in one of the chairs. “I told her all about yesterday – about the accident; how bad it was, and about you. I was really worried about you. I still am,” he confessed. 

“I’m okay,” Doug said simply.

“I’m not completely convinced about that, but okay,” Munroe smiled. “Sarah suggested that I come out here today – you know how she is. She had this theory that maybe you need someone to talk to.”

“Did she?” Doug smiled softly. 

“Was she right?” Munroe asked. “Do you need someone to talk to?”

“Maybe she should be doing our jobs,” Doug joked.

“What’s going on, Doug?” Munroe asked. “And please don’t tell me it’s nothing because you are still here at the hospital – the only one that’s still here. So far Sarah has been pretty on the nose with her theories, and it makes me wonder if the one she has been suggesting for a while, the one that I have completely disregarded on the basis that surely you would have told me if it were true, maybe is in fact right.”

“That’s a very roundabout way of asking me something that you clearly want to ask,” Doug said, sitting up a little straighter.

“That’s because I don’t want to ask. I want to continue in the belief that, as your friend, you trust me with whatever may be troubling you, or maybe not troubling you, but something a friend of yours should probably know about your life.” Munroe sat back in his chair, looking over at Doug, quietly giving him the space to make his move.

“You’re right,” Doug nodded. “You are my friend and I should trust you – I do trust you.” Doug paused for a moment – unsure how to phrase what he needed to say.

Munroe took sympathy on him. “How do you know Jack?”

“I wasn’t lying when I said Jack is Pacey’s friend – they went to high school together, lived together at college even,” Doug tried to justify, not wanting Munroe to think he outright lied to him. 

“I know.”

Doug took a deep breath. “But he’s also my boyfriend.” 

His words seemed to echo around the room, growing in significance with every second of their freedom.

“Why didn’t you tell me yesterday – or before then?” Munroe asked, not a single shred of surprise on his face.

“Because I haven’t told anyone,” Doug confessed. “Beyond my family and Jack’s family – no one knows.”

“How many years have we known each other?” Munroe asked. “What did you think I was going to say?”

“I don’t know,” Doug said honestly.

“How long have you and Jack been together?” 

“About six months.”

Munroe shook his head. “How long did you think you were going to be able to hide it for? Not to mention why did you think you had to?”

“I hadn’t really considered the long term plan. Honestly, I hadn’t expected you to work it out. Or at least hoped no one would.”

“I didn’t,” Munroe confessed. “This one is all on Sarah.” 

“Figures,” Doug laughed.

“How are you holding up? If that had been Sarah yesterday I would be an absolute wreck.”

“I’ve had my moments,” Doug confessed. “I’m just praying that he pulls through. There’s nothing else I can do right now.”

“And until then?”

“I’m not leaving the hospital,” he replied simply. 

“That’s what I thought you were going to say,” Munroe nodded. “I’ll do my best to cover things at work and I’ll only call you if I absolutely have to.”

“Thank you,” Doug nodded, appreciating the understanding.

“What should I do when the others start asking questions?”

Doug thought for a moment. “Tell them the truth.”

“Are you sure?” Munroe asked. “I can come up with something else. I don’t think anyone else has any idea.”

“No,” Doug shook his head. “Jack deserves better than that. He always has.”

The two men sat quietly for a moment, Munroe unpacking the bag of food he had brought with him, handing something to Doug. “Sarah thought you would like something homemade.”

“She’s a keeper,” Doug smiled.

“Oh please, this bag of food is nothing more than her shameless attempt to get information out of you,” Munroe laughed. “So you better start telling me all about Jack because she’s not going to want to talk about anything else when I get home tonight.” 

**To be continued…**


	5. Too Tired To Sleep

“He can’t carry on like this,” Jen said softly, sitting down in the chair that she had already spent way too many hours in.

“I know,” Pacey sighed. “But I don’t think he’s going to listen to either of us.”

It had been a week since the accident and Doug had only left the hospital very briefly on a couple of occasions to go home and have a shower. He was living off of canteen sandwiches and whatever Grams packed up and sent in with Jen. His time was split between sitting at Jack’s bedside and catching up with essential work while someone else was with Jack. No one had wanted to question him in the same way no one had wanted to acknowledge that while remaining stable, nothing about Jack’s condition had improved – leading everyone to wonder how much longer it would be before they saw any change.

Doug looked exhausted, barely sleeping, spending each night curled up on a chair in the waiting room, usually choosing to catch up on work when he was unable to drift off. Even though visitors were not permitted overnight, Doug still refused to leave the hospital even if he could not be in Jack’s room, too scared that something would happen.

“He’s exhausted,” Jen shook her head. “Yesterday when I went into see Jack, Doug was asleep in the chair next to him.”

“He is now too,” Pacey confessed having just come back from checking on them. “At least he’s getting some sleep. I think he spent most of the night responding to emails.”

“I think we need to be firm with him – tell him that he needs to spend a night at home.”

“I know,” Pacey replied, rubbing his hands over his face. “He’s not going to do that though unless someone else if here overnight. I think he’s still so scared of something happening.”

“I think we all are,” Jen admitted. “Is Andie working tonight?”

“I think so,” Pacey nodded. “She’ll be able to pop by throughout the night.”

“Maybe I’ll offer to stay,” Jen muttered – thinking out loud.

“No, I’ll do it,” Pacey shook his head. “You have Amy. You can’t be here all the time.”

“One night won’t hurt.”

“It’s probably best if I do it. If Doug turns up during the night I’ll send him packing.”

Jen smiled softly, appreciating Pacey’s stability through it all. “I think I expected to be some change by now.”

Pacey sighed, wondering if Jen knew that she had lifted the words straight from his brain. “Me too.”

“When they said they were going to induce a coma I assumed it would only be a couple of days. It’s been a week and we’re still in the same place we were to begin with.”

“They know what they’re doing,” Pacey tried to comfort.

“I know,” Jen nodded. “But even when they take him out of the coma, we don’t know how long it will be before he wakes up. Or how he’s going to be when he does wake up.”

“They’ve removed the ventilator,” Pacey reminded. “He’s breathing unaided. Considering everything that happened, that’s quite impressive.” 

“I think I’m just struggling to remain optimistic.”

“That’s why I’m here. And tomorrow when I’m the one struggling, you’ll be able to remind me of the good things – including the fact that he’s still fighting.”

“Thank you, Pacey.”

“Anytime,” he smiled. “It’s ironic really – I’ve thought numerous times over this last week that Jack is probably best suited to this waiting game. I think he’s the calmest and most patient of all of us.”

“Maybe he’s trying to give Doug a taste of his own medicine,” Jen laughed.

Pacey could not help but smile at the thought. “Did Doug tell you that everyone at his work now know?”

“I assumed as much from the large bunch of flowers that arrived for Jack from the deputies. I’m actually quite impressed.”

“With Doug or with them?” Pacey joked.

“Both,” Jen said honestly. “It seems as though Grams’ prayers are paying off.”

“How is she doing?” 

“I think she’s more worried than she’s letting on. She’s planning to come for a visit once things have progressed a little.”

“Jack would like that,” Pacey nodded. “You should bring Amy too. Maybe she has the magic touch.”

“I’m willing to try anything,” Jen smiled sadly. “Whatever it takes.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
It had been a long week – one that Doug was unsure how he managed to get through. He had tried calling Jack on multiple occasions but his calls were never answered. His messages were ignored. One evening he even went to Jack’s house – desperate for Jack to hear him out, only to find that even though he could see that Jack was home, he did not answer the door. He did not know how much more he could take before he gave up, realising as time went on that Jack clearly wanted him to._

_By the time Friday night rolled around he felt completely exhausted. A combination of hardly sleeping and desperately trying to maintain composure at work. Trying to pretend that everything was fine was taking its toll. He wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch all weekend and not move, but at the same time, the thought of being alone all weekend, doing nothing but think of Jack sounded less than appealing. Having finished work he decided to pop into the Icehouse and see Pacey, hoping that small amount of effortless interaction would be enough to get him through the weekend._

_He walked up the path to the restaurant, nodding in recognition to a couple of patrons enjoying a drink. The instant he opened the door something spiked his senses – a warning of danger that he could not quite place. His eyes narrowed, scanning the restaurant, unsure what was causing the feeling more commonly associated with being on duty. His heart began to beat a little faster, wondering if he was imagining the voice that was filling the air around him, realising it was not his imagination when he spotted Jack stood at the bar talking to Pacey._

_He stopped in his tracks, wondering if he should turn and leave before he was noticed – conflicted over whether he should respect Jack’s wishes to be left alone or fulfil his desire to see the other man. Just being stood in the same room as him was agony._

_“Doug!” Pacey called, spotting him over Jack’s shoulder._

_Just like that the choice had been removed. He took a deep breath and made his way over, trying not to let his eyes linger on Jack too long. “Evening,” he nodded, trying to keep things as neutral as possible._

_“I was just saying to Jack that I’ve not seen him in weeks, and the same could be said for you, big brother,” Pacey smiled. “I was beginning to think everyone was avoiding me.”_

_“You can’t avoid anyone in Capeside,” Jack said softly under his breath, causing the crack in Doug’s heart to deepen._

_“I guess I’ve been busy,” Doug shrugged, trying to maintain the mask that he had worked so hard on._

_“Whatever the reason it’s nice to have you both here,” Pacey smiled, handing Doug a drink. “Are you staying for something to eat?”_

_Doug could not help but glance over in Jack’s direction, unsure what to say. “I don’t know.”_

_“Let me know once you’ve decided,” Pacey said, wondering what was going on. He had just been looking at Jack thinking that he looked pretty rough – certainly not his usual self, and now Doug also looked far from his best. “Is there some underground club scene I don’t know about in Capeside?”_

_“What?” Doug asked, completely confused by Pacey’s question._

_“Look at the two of you,” Pacey replied. “It looks like you’ve both had one too many late nights.”_

_“It’s been a long week,” Jack said softly, refusing to look to his side, choosing to pretend Doug was not there, wishing he had not ordered food._

_“You can say that again,” Doug agreed._

_“Well, aren’t you two a barrel of laughs,” Pacey rolled his eyes, grabbing Doug a menu and passing it over. “I’ll be back in a minute. Let me know what you decide.”_

_Even from where he was stood, Doug could feel Jack tense up as he watched Pacey walk away._

_“I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Jack said faintly, almost too quiet for Doug to hear._

_“I’m glad you’re here,” Doug replied honestly, knowing that Jack did not feel the same. “I’ve been trying to call you.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I sent some text messages.”_

_“I got them.”_

_“I even came over the other night,” Doug continued, thinking Jack probably got the point._

_“I figured it was you.”_

_“So that’s it?” Doug asked. “You’re just going to avoid me forever.”_

_Jack hung his head a little, still not looking at Doug. He knew he was being unfair but he only just had the energy to keep himself going. “Just until it stops hurting.”_

_“Jack, please,” Doug said, stepping a little closer. “We can work this out.”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head. “We can’t.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because I don’t want to,” Jack replied simply, staring down at his hands._

_“I don’t believe you.”_

_“I’m not having this conversation again.”_

_“What conversation?” Doug questioned. “Because I’m not aware of us actually having a conversation. I have been trying to talk to you all week.”_

_“We both know how it ends.”_

_“No, I refuse to accept that,” Doug said firmly, digging his heels in. “You don’t get to be the only one that decides how this goes.”_

_“Yes, I do,” Jack said annoyed. “I’ve had no say in anything else. I at least get to decide at what point I stop my heart from breaking any further.”_

_“I’m not trying to hurt you.”_

_“You really want to have this conversation here?”_

_“Why not? You won’t talk to me anywhere else,” Doug replied bitterly._

_“Really? Here?” Jack replied, starting to becoming irritated by Doug’s inconsistency – he was happy enough to break his own rules when it suited him. “In your brother’s restaurant? The brother that you still haven’t told about us.”_

_Jack’s final remark caused Doug to look around them, trying to figure out if anyone was close enough to overhear their conversation._

_“Exactly,” Jack said, standing from the stool he had been occupying. “You can’t have everything the way you want it.” Jack glanced up noticing Pacey coming back towards him, carrying a plate of food. He quickly pulled his jacket on. “I’ve got to go.”_

_“Don’t go,” Doug said weakly, realising there was no way he was going to be able to stop him, watching as he made a quick exit._

_“Where’s Jack going?” Pacey asked. “I have his food.”_

_“Home,” Doug said simply, running his hands over his face._

_“What the hell did you say to him?” Pacey asked, wondering what was going on._

_“I didn’t say anything,” Doug groaned. “He didn’t give me the chance.”_

_Pacey looked at him even more questioningly. “Is something going on between you two?”_

_“Not anymore.”_

_“What?” Pacey asked. “What do you mean, not anymore?”_

_“Not since Jack ended things and has refused to take my calls all week.”_

_“Wait,” Pacey said stunned. “Rewind a little. Jack ended things? Meaning there was something going on?” he asked, looking around the bar, grateful to be able to talk relatively freely with no one close by._

_“Yes, for a few months,” Doug confessed. “But I screwed things up and he’s not giving me the chance to fix it.”_

_Pacey stood staring at his brother for a moment, trying to work out how he had missed the signs before realising that he had not really seen very much of either of them for a number of weeks – it all suddenly making sense. “I’m sorry,” he said sympathetically. “Jack is pretty stubborn when he makes up his mind. It’s probably best to just move on and hope you can be friends again.”_

_“I don’t want to be friends again,” Doug shook his head. “I love him.”_

_Pacey exhaled dramatically. “And here I thought nothing in this little town could surprise me anymore.”_

_“That’s all you have to say?”_

_“What would you like me to say – that I figured you liked him but I didn’t think you’d have the balls to do anything about it? Or that I never considered the fact that you would fall in love with him?” Pacey shook his head, trying to get his head around it all. “It’s Jack; of course you were going to fall in love with him,” he groaned. “I think maybe we should head to my office.”_

_Doug simply nodded, following his brother as he walked through the restaurant and into the back, finally putting down Jack’s plate of food on his desk._

_“What did you do?” Pacey asked._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“To piss Jack off that much? I’m assuming he didn’t end things over nothing.”_

_Doug groaned, slumping down in one of the chairs in front of Pacey’s desk. “I took him to the hiking spot we used to go to as kids – you remember the one?”_

_“Unfortunately,” Pacey nodded._

_“I had to go back to the car for something and I bumped into someone from work and panicked he would see who I was with, so when he asked for a lift back into town, I took him.”_

_“You left Jack there alone?” Pacey asked, stunned._

_“By the time I got back he was gone.”_

_“Jesus, Doug – what is wrong with you? How did he get back to Capeside?”_

_“He walked.”_

_“The whole way?” Pacey asked, receiving a nod in response. “What the hell were you thinking?”_

_“I wasn’t thinking. But now Jack has decided that there’s no way we can ever work.”_

_“Can you blame him?”_

_“No,” Doug groaned. “But he’s wrong. I know we can make it work.”_

_“But he won’t listen,” Pacey finished for him._

_“He threw a jar of tomato sauce at the wall the last time I tried.”_

_“Okay,” Pacey nodded, sitting on the edge of the desk, trying to hide a smile. “So what are you going to do?”_

_“I was hoping you’d have a suggestion.”_

_“What do I know about anything?” Pacey laughed._

_“Please, Pacey – I’m desperate.”_

_Pacey looked back at his brother, taking in the sight of him – tired, anxious, but still somehow a little freer than before. “You really do love him.”_

_“I do,” Doug nodded._

_“Of all the men in the world it had to be Jack,” Pacey laughed. “You sure know how to pick them.”_

_“Are you going to help me?”_

_Pacey sighed, unsure if he could. “Jack doesn’t really do vulnerable. In fact we will do whatever he can to avoid it – including being angry or walking away. It’s not going to be easy to break that.”_

_“Please.”_

_“Fine,” Pacey rolled his eyes. “Operation ‘win back Jack’ is officially on.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andie walked into the waiting room that had become her second home over the last week, surprised to see everyone. Visiting hours had ended, and while the hospital staff were being very lenient with them, they were enforcing the no overnight visitor rule – mostly to try and encourage everyone to get some rest.

“What are you all doing here still?” she asked, expecting to only see Doug.

“We’re trying to convince Doug to go home,” Jen replied. “I didn’t think you’d be here until later.”

“That was the plan,” Andie said, sitting down. “I got a call from one of the doctors to come in.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Doug asked quickly, wondering why no one had been informed of any problems. 

“No one said anything was wrong,” Pacey said calmly, trying to keep the mood level, knowing that Doug was too tired to think rationally.

“I don’t know. I was just asked to come in.”

They all sat silently for a few moments, each of them wondering what it could be – hoping that it was not going to be another emotional blow. They were all relieved to see the door open and a doctor walk in. His face did not look as serious as the last time they had seen him. 

“Evening,” the doctor smiled. 

They all nodded in his direction, no one wanting to be the first to speak.

“I guess you’re all wondering why I wanted to see you,” he said, looking at the expressions on their faces. “I’ll cut right to it. It’s good news.”

There was a collective sigh from everyone in the room – a rush of breath as they all simultaneously stopped holding it in, having been anticipating bad news.

“As you know, this morning we turned off the ventilator and the team is really happy with how things have gone today and are currently completing the final process of extubation so next time you go into see Jack you’ll notice that he will no longer have his breathing tubes.”

“That’s great,” Andie smiled – grateful they would be gone before he woke up.

“We have also been monitoring the swelling on his brain and are satisfied that the swelling has decreased enough to begin removing Jack from his induced coma in the morning,” he smiled.

“Does that mean he’ll wake up?” Jen asked excitedly.

“It can take a while,” the doctor explained. “It’s not going to be instant, but once we pull back the drugs that are keeping him sedated, there’s nothing to stop him from waking when he’s ready to do so.”

“How long do you think is realistic to expect?” Pacey asked, knowing Doug was thinking it.

“It could be tomorrow. It could be next week. It’s likely to be sooner but we really can’t tell.”

“Thank you,” Andie smiled, looking around the room to see the smiles on everyone’s faces, making sure she was not misunderstanding what was going on – unable to process everything the way she did with her patients. 

“We won’t start doing anything until the morning so there’s no chance of him waking tonight so I strongly suggest you all getting some rest. There’s a long road ahead still.”

Everyone nodded, not able to find the words to describe their relief. 

“I’ll see you in the morning,” the doctor smiled, opening the door and leaving them alone in their shell shocked state. 

“Well, that was unexpected,” Pacey said, breaking the silence in the room, a smile on his face.

“You can say that again,” Doug replied, unsure why his happiness was not radiating through. He looked around and noticed that everyone seemed to be suffering the same way.

“So tomorrow’s the big day,” Jen added. “A whole new wait will begin in the morning.”

Andie nodded slowly, as though she was trying to figure something out. “I think we’ll need to make a rota – someone should always be in there with Jack just in case he wakes up. I don’t want him to wake up alone.”

“Agreed,” Doug said quickly.

“So we need to make sure everyone is rested,” Jen said, looking at Doug. “It’s time for you to go home. Sleep in a bed for the first time in a week.”

Doug opened his mouth to protest but stopped himself. He was exhausted – he knew it as well as the others did. He thought back over what the doctor had said – there was no chance of Jack waking tonight and he was obviously doing better, it made sense to go home. “Okay,” he nodded. 

Pacey and Jen looked at each other stunned, expecting him to put up a fight. “Okay then,” Pacey smiled. “I’ll stay here tonight and we can make a new plan in the morning.”

“Thank you, Pacey,” Andie smiled. “I’ll be around tonight if needed.”

“And call me if anything happens,” Doug added.

“Nothing is going to happen,” Pacey assured. “Go home, sleep, shower and swing by the Icehouse in the morning and grab everyone some breakfast. Everything is going to be fine here.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack groaned hearing the knock on his front door. He was not in the mood to deal with Doug. It was becoming too difficult to stand his ground. He loved Doug but he could not keep making allowances for him. Doug was either ready to be in a relationship or he was not – it was that simple. Except it was anything but simple – Jack knew that, even though he was fighting to ignore it. Fighting to ignore the sinking feeling that he was letting love slip away._

_He tried to ignore it but the knocking persisted. Getting up from the couch he made his way down the hallway, pulling the door open harshly. “What?!”_

_“Nice to see you too,” Pacey smiled._

_“Sorry, Pacey,” Jack shook his head, trying to regain composure. “I thought…” he trailed off, suddenly unsure how to explain his bad mood._

_“You thought I was Doug,” Pacey finished for him, walking through the door and past his friend. “I brought your dinner. I didn’t realise you ordered it to go. Usually I don’t offer deliveries, but from what I heard you could probably do with a decent meal after you long walk last weekend.”_

_Jack had followed Pacey all the way down the hall and was now stood in the doorway watching as Pacey made himself comfortable on his couch. “What is going on?”_

_“What is going on?” Pacey smiled. “That is a very good question. One that I was asking Doug only an hour ago. One that I should probably be asking you, but I think I’ve got enough of an idea from Doug.”_

_“What has he told you?” Jack asked apprehensively, as though he was being lured into a trap._

_“He told me all about how the two of you have been seeing each other for the last couple of months,” Pacey raised his eyebrows. “Which I honestly don’t know why neither of you told me because I saw it coming a long time ago and it’s not like I didn’t know Doug was gay.”_

_“You’ll have to talk to Doug if you are looking for answers,” Jack said dryly, heading to the refrigerator and pulling out a couple of bottles of water, tossing one over to Pacey._

_“Water?” Pacey said, turning his nose up at the bottle in his hand._

_“You should try it sometime,” Jack replied, a slight smile breaking through as he leant against the kitchen counter. “So what else has Doug been spilling his guts about?”_

_“He told me all about your hike,” Pacey smiled sympathetically. “He feels really bad about how everything played out. He knows he was an idiot.”_

_“Good.”_

_“He also told me that you threw a jar at him.”_

_“It was not at him,” Jack groaned, remembered how long it had taken to clean up the mess._

_“And that you’re not interested in hearing him out.”_

_Jack shook his head. “I’ve heard him out. I’ve listened to his excuses for weeks. Whenever he thinks he’s saying something that makes everything okay; when he tries to justify it all – each time it gets a little worse.”_

_Pacey nodded, understanding what Jack was saying. “He loves you.”_

_“Pacey, please don’t do this,” Jack groaned._

_“Do what?” Pacey asked._

_“Make me feel guilty. I already feel like crap, okay?”_

_“I’m not trying to make you feel bad,” Pacey shook his head. “That’s not what I’m trying to do. I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on here.”_

_“Good luck with that. I’ve been trying to figure out the same thing for weeks.”_

_“Do you love him?” Pacey asked simply._

_“Why does that matter?”_

_“Of course it matters. If you both love each other, surely you can figure something out?”_

_“And what do you think that looks like?” Jack said frustratedly. “How many more months are we going to spend living in secret like we’re doing something wrong?”_

_“Does it matter – as long as you get to where you want to be in the end?”_

_“It does if where we’re hoping to end up is completely different. I get the feeling that Doug would be more than happy to live out the rest of his days in some secretive bubble and I refuse to do that.”_

_“Do you know that or are you just assuming that because it makes your decision to end things easier to accept?”_

_“Why are you fighting so hard to save a relationship you didn’t even know existed until an hour ago?” Jack asked._

_“Honestly?” Pacey asked. “I don’t know. Gut feeling maybe? I’ve known you a long time and I’ve been around for a good number of your romantic entanglements and I’ve never seen you quite so passionate about any of them – even if that passion is not quite where Doug wants it to be right now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you be anything more than a passive and sometimes reluctant participant in relationships.”_

_“I think it’s been a long established fact that I am a sucky boyfriend.”_

_“That’s not want I’m saying,” Pacey laughed – Jack’s defensiveness only proving his point. “I’m saying that whether you want to admit it or not, whatever you have with Doug means something to you – and that’s pretty scary. How he behaved was not okay – it was complete insanity, and I understand you being hurt and angry, but is it really the reason you ended things?”_

_“With all due respect, I really don’t want to be having this conversation with you.”_

_“Then you need to have it with Doug, because I don’t think he’s going to give up.”_

_“That much is becoming obvious,” Jack groaned._

_“I’m just going to say one last thing and then I’m going to change the subject and let you finally eat the food I brought you,” Pacey smiled softly. “Never, in the twenty-five years I have been on this planet have I ever heard Doug say he is in love with someone. Female, male – no one. And I have certainly never heard him ask for my help. Just think about that.”_

_“Are we done?” Jack asked, trying not let Pacey see the impact of his words._

_“For now,” Pacey smiled, sliding the bag of food across the coffee table. “Now, if you walk away from my food again this evening we are going to have much bigger problems.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack lay in bed staring at the ceiling. He had been tossing and turning for hours, trying to forget his run in with Doug at the Icehouse and the conversation with Pacey that had followed. He had been surprised that Doug had confided in Pacey – even if it was to ask for help. He had the perfect opportunity to let the relationship end without a single person ever knowing about it and he had chosen to break his silence, making Jack wonder if maybe his thought that Doug would never go public with their relationship was perhaps a little harsh. But then again, Pacey was his brother and already knew he was gay, so it was not exactly a risky confession._

_His mind went over and over Pacey’s description of his previous relationships and as much as he hated it, he knew Pacey was right. He had never felt this way before – never been so positive that what he felt was love, never before felt swept away by it all and completely powerless to stop it - never before had he been so fearful that the strength of his feelings could cause catastrophic heartbreak if it all ended badly. He hated the thought that maybe he was ending things for fear of it becoming too serious, but maybe that was true._

_He was angry with Doug about the hike incident, and he knew he had every right to be angry and hurt – but maybe the hurt was deeper routed that he had previously thought. Maybe Doug was right and they just needed to talk about it and at least attempt to figure something out. Jack was realising that he needed to be more honest with Doug about how his secrecy made him feel._

_His head was pounding. He had hardly slept all week – constantly waking up hoping to find Doug next to him, angry with himself every time he remembered why he was not. He was finding it hard to think straight without a good night’s sleep and he was struggling to get that without Doug. He felt like he was trapped in an endless cycle of misery. His resistance was beginning to wane. His protective armour beginning to crack. His strength had dwindled._

_Fighting back thoughts of being weak, he reached out through the darkness and picked up his cell phone from the nightstand, knowing that it was too late to call but also knowing Doug would not be asleep either. He sighed as his dialed Doug’s number, the first ring confirming his complete lack of willpower._

_“Hi,” Doug said softly, answering after the third ring._

_“Did I wake you?” Jack asked, not sure what he wanted to say._

_“No,” Doug said simply. “I couldn’t sleep.”_

_“I didn’t know if you’d answer.”_

_“Of course I’d answer. I’m just surprised you called.”_

_“Me too.”_

_“Why did you?” Doug asked softly._

_“I don’t know,” Jack replied, because the truth was too complicated to try and explain over the phone. He shifted slightly in bed, turning onto his side, head still on the pillow._

_“What are you doing?”_

_“I’ve been trying to sleep for hours. I’ve not been very successful.”_

_“Is that why you’re calling?”_

_“I guess I just wanted to hear your voice,” Jack said softly, taking a deep breath, holding back the wave of emotion he felt threatening to wash over him. “I miss it.”_

_“You miss my voice?” Doug asked, smiling ever so slightly._

_“I miss you – not just your voice. All of you.”_

_“I miss you too.”_

_“But I’m still so angry with you,” Jack confessed – for the first time realising he could feel both things and that they did not have to cancel each other out or silence the other part of him._

_“I know,” Doug said softly._

_“I wish I wasn’t.”_

_“You have every right to be.”_

_“I don’t want to be.”_

_“We can work through it,” Doug said gently. “If you want to.”_

_“Do you?”_

_Doug could not help but laugh slightly. “Desperately.”_

_Jack smiled slightly and even though he did not say a word, Doug was certain that he could hear it._

_“Maybe we could meet tomorrow and actually have a proper conversation about everything?” Doug suggested._

_“Okay,” Jack agreed, his stomach still tied in knots._

_“Should I call you in the morning?”_

_“Okay,” Jack replied._

_“Okay,” Doug smiled._

_“Good night.”_

_“Good night, Jack,” Doug said a moment before hearing the line go dead._

_Jack rolled over in bed, laying on his back, returning his gaze to the ceiling, wondering why he did not feel any better. He did not feel as though sleep was any closer than it had been before – if anything he felt even more conflicted. He considered getting up and getting a glass of milk like he used to do when he was a kid, wondering if that would trick his body into thinking he had travelled back to a simpler time._

_Deciding against it he rolled over again, unable to stop himself from tossing and turning. Ending up on his back once again he groaned loudly. Before he knew what he was doing his cell phone was back in his hand dialing the most recent number._

_“Hello?” Doug said, his voice questioningly._

_“Do you want to come over?”_

_“Now?”_

_Jack paused for a second. “Yes.”_

_There was a pause to match Jack’s at the other end of the line. “I’m on my way.”_

_The line went dead before Jack could say another word. He lay there for a few more minutes, feeling a little more at peace than he had before. Pushing back the covers he climbed out of bed, slowly walking out of his room in the dark, making his way downstairs. He wandered around his house aimlessly while trying to imagine whereabouts Doug would be on his short journey to his house, counting all the stop signs and traffic lights in his head, trying to remember how long it took to pass between each of them – unsure how quickly Doug would have left._

_He wandered down the hallway, opening the front door just enough to see the street outside, breathing in the cold, still air. He breathed out heavily, able to see his breath in front of him, becoming nervous with each passing minute that Doug had maybe changed his mind. He was about to close the door and head back upstairs to get his cell phone when he saw lights moving slowing down the street in front of his house, pulling to a stop. He listened for the sound of Doug softly closing his car door followed by footsteps up the path._

_Jack opened the door further, now able to see the other man – his face lit up in the silver light of the moon. He stepped back, wordlessly inviting Doug into the house, closing the door behind him. They both stood in front of each other, neither quite knowing what to say, both respecting the stillness of the night._

_“I don’t want to talk,” Jack said softly, taking hold of Doug’s hand._

_“Okay,” Doug nodded, stepping a little closer, kicking his shoes off._

_“I just want to sleep.”_

_“We can do that,” Doug nodded, feeling Jack pull on his hand, moving back down the hallway and up the stairs. Doug followed close behind, up the stairs and into Jack’s bedroom, not once letting go of his hand._

_Jack turned to face the other man, letting go of him long enough to reach out and slide his coat off his shoulders and down his arms, discarding it on the chair in the corner of the room. He leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on Doug’s lips before once again taking his hand and climbing back into bed, shifting over to make space for Doug. Doug climbed in, laying down against the soft pillow, pulling the covers back up around them, before reaching out and pulling Jack close, enjoying the feel of Jack’s head resting on his chest – his arm wrapped around his waist._

_“Good night,” Jack said softly._

_“Night.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen sat down on Jack’s couch, checking on Amy asleep next to her in her baby seat. It still felt strange being in Jack’s house without him – as though she was expecting him to walk through the door at any moment. Everything was how Jack had left it, expecting to return from work as usual. There was a stack of marking on the coffee table, his coffee mug still on the draining board, a towel on the floor in his bathroom – she did not want to move any of it, as though touching things would cause a butterfly effect that she would not be able to control. Though neither Jen nor Grams had spoken about it, both of them were working under the same rule not to change anything in the house wherever possible.

Grams was sleeping in the guest room with Amy – trying to contain all of Amy’s things to that room as much as possible. Originally Jen was planning to sleep in Jack’s room but after standing alone in his room on the first night, staring at the bed for twenty minutes, unable to get in, she relocated to the couch and had chosen to sleep there every night since.

“How is Andie holding up?” Grams asked, putting a cup of tea on the coffee table in front of Jen.

“She’s holding it together pretty well considering,” Jen replied. “She went back to work yesterday but is mostly working nights so it doesn’t clash with visitation.”

“I hope she’s not over doing it.”

“I think Andie is built for this kind of pressure – she’s doing far better than the rest of us. Pacey is trying to shoulder everything. I’m worried he’s taking on too much.”

“And Doug?” Grams asked, sitting down next to her granddaughter.

“He agreed to go home tonight but I don’t think one night in his own bed is going to do very much for him. He’s exhausted and terrified.”

“I’m not surprised. Poor man.”

“He’s been pretty quiet,” Jen added. “I think he knows that even when Jack does wake up we have no idea what we’re going to be faced with.”

“Things take time.”

“I know,” Jen nodded in agreement. “But what if he’s not the same? What if things never go back to how they were?”

Grams sighed, knowing that this was something Jen had been silently fearing. “Nothing ever goes back to the way things were, but that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. Things are changing in Doug’s life right now. You have to remember that Jack may not be the same after this, but equally the world he will be waking up to is not the same either. Don’t lose sight of that.”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Jen said, dipping her head, a wave of emotion hitting her. “It just doesn’t seem right.”

“You must have faith that everything will work out.”

“I don’t know if I have your level of faith.”

“Then you need to borrow some of mine.”

The two of them sat peacefully next to each other, watching Amy sleeping oblivious to everything that was going on. Their minds drifted to thoughts of Jack as they had for days, trying to remember his moments of strength and determination – the times he had fought against what everyone thought was impossible and came out the other side stronger than before. Jen hoped that this would be another of those times.

Eyes closed, Jen drifted back to a time when she used to stand on the sidelines of the football field watching Jack get beaten down time after time, each time unsure if he would get back up again – amazed each time that he did. His strength amazed her then, just as it was amazing her now.

A soft knock on the door shook her from her thoughts, looking over at Grams for confirmation that she had heard correctly.

“Who could that be?” Grams asked about to stand.

“I’ll go,” Jen said, standing up quickly, assuming it was probably one of Jack’s neighbours checking in – wondering where Jack was. She made her way up the hallway and opened the door, surprised to see the man on the other side of the door. “Doug.”

“I’m sorry,” he shook his head. “Being at home is driving me crazy.”

She smiled knowingly, opening the door further. “Come in.”

“Am I interrupting?”

“Oh yes, Grams and I were about to start a Brad Pitt movie marathon,” she joked. “Come on, you can join us for some tea.”

Following Jen back down the hallway, Doug began to wonder if this was a good idea. He had gone home, made himself something to eat that he ended up not touching, curled up on his bed, hoping to fall asleep, but was instead struck by an emptiness that he could not shake. The last time he had laid in a bed it had been next to Jack. Sleeping alone felt wrong. Relaxing and switching off felt wrong. He knew he needed to rest. He knew he was close to the reaching the end of what he could handle. He knew he needed a night away from the hospital and even though he was stuck in their waiting room night after night, he at least knew that Jack was nearby. That was what he needed tonight – to feel Jack was close.

“We have a guest,” Jen smiled to Grams as she turned the corner with Doug in tow.

“Hello, Doug,” Grams smiled warmly, standing from the couch and giving him a hug. “Let me get you some tea. Have you eaten?”

“I’m fine,” Doug shook his head. 

“I’ll take that as a no,” Grams raised her eyebrows. “I made too much dinner for me and Jen this evening – there is plenty for you.”

“Don’t fight it,” Jen smiled, patting the couch, encouraging him to sit down – watching as he did so. 

“How’s Amy adjusting to being in Capeside?” Doug asked, watching her sleep peacefully.

“I don’t think she has realised that anything has changed,” Jen smiled. “Thankfully.”

“One of the many perks of being a baby.”

“It’s a hugely under-appreciated time in your life. Someone always there to feed you, change you, play with you – and you can sleep pretty much anywhere.”

“I envy that bit,” Doug smiled softly, wishing he had that ability.

Jen looked at him questioningly, wondering why he seemed to be resisting sleeping. “I thought you’d be passed out in bed by now.”

“Is there such a thing as too tired to sleep?” 

Jen smiled at him softly, taking in the sight of him, tired and broken. “Do you want to sleep here?”

Doug looked at her, as though she had delved inside his mind and read his thoughts. “No, there’s not the room.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to sleep in Jack’s room,” she confessed. “I’ve been on the couch.”

“Why?” Doug asked.

“I don’t know,” Jen shrugged. “It just didn’t feel right. But you should take his room.”

“I don’t know,” he shook his head, suddenly feeling embarrassed that he had even contemplated it.

“Why don’t go head up there now and see how you feel?” Jen suggested. “You can decide later.”

Unsure what to say, unsure if he should resist, but knowing that Jen would continue to encourage him, he stood from the couch and made his way out into the hallway and up the stairs that led to Jack’s bedroom. Reaching the top step he stood frozen, wondering if going into Jack’s room was such a good idea, suddenly feeling the apprehension he assumed Jen had felt. He was about to head back down the stairs when he could have sworn he heard Jack’s voice calling him. It was clear enough that did a double take, turning back to Jack’s door. The voice continued to call him, pulling him closer until he felt his hand grip the cold metal door handle, pushing the door open. The room was dark and empty, but it felt full of life in a way everywhere else seemed void of. He felt himself be drawn further into the room, his hand grazing over the softness of the sheets on Jack’s bed. He slowly sat on the edge, kicking his shoes off, not waiting long before he pulled back the sheets and crawled into bed, pulling the covers back over him, wrapped in Jack. 

The familiar smell of Jack’s washing detergent, the smell of Jack’s shampoo still lingering on his pillow – Doug curled up tighter on Jack’s side of the bed, reaching out for the other pillow and pulling it into his body, holding it tightly. He had not realised he was crying until he felt his tears roll off his cheeks, feeling overcome with tiredness and fear. His body began to feel heavy, as though it was sinking deeper into the mattress – softness surrounding him like a cocoon.

“I miss you so much,” he whispered into the darkness. Desperately trying to remember the sound of Jack’s voice as the darkness around him consumed him whole.

***

“Should one of us go and check that Doug is okay?” Grams asked, sitting back down on the couch, having left Doug’s dinner on the table for when he was ready.

“I’ll go,” Jen nodded, having expected him to return by now. She smiled down at her sleeping daughter before heading in the direction Doug had disappeared in. There were no lights coming from the upstairs. As she made it to the top of the stairs she noticed Jack’s bedroom door was open, only darkness spilling out. She turned on the landing light so she could see as she made her way along the hallway, stopping in Jack’s doorway, peering inside, through the darkness.

A smile grew on her face as she stepped back and closed the door softly, heading back down the stairs and back to her spot on the couch.

“Everything okay?” Grams asked.

“Better than okay,” Jen smiled. “He’s fast asleep.”

Grams smile grew to match Jen’s. “That was quick,” Grams smiled, standing up from the couch and taking Doug’s dinner back into the kitchen. “Thank God for small blessings.” 

**To be continued…**


	6. Open Your Eyes

He had completely lost track of time. Minutes merged into hours; night merged into day. The only consistent was Jack – still asleep, still unmoving, unknowing that over a week had passed in the lives of everyone else. A week of complete hell. The drugs being used to keep Jack in a comatose state had been removed the previous morning and since that point someone had been permanently at his side – occasionally two of them when the doctors had allowed it. Pacey had taken the pre-midnight shift and Doug had taken over, insisting that Jen went home to Amy. Andie had managed to take nightshifts, allowing her to drop by throughout the night where possible and then take over from Doug in the morning for a few hours before heading home to sleep herself. Doug had been impressed by how quickly and easily they had fallen into a routine.

The wait continued to be agonising – no one wanting to voice the same thought that radiated through all of them. All of them wanting him to wake up, while also being terrified that it would happen on their watch – worried that something would happen to shatter the illusion of Jack’s recovery. Doug was not sure how long it was before Andie was due to take over, but it felt as though he had been sat there for hours. At first he did not know what to say to Jack – feeling as though he could not keep pouring his heart out to him, or beg him to wake up. After a while he had started talking to him about work and about some of the cases his deputies were dealing with and when he ran out of work based small talk he had sat in silence for a while – simply holding Jack’s hand, hoping he could feel him there. He had made a mental note to grab the book from Jack’s nightstand that had been left half finished, thinking maybe he would read to him on his next shift.

Doug, like everyone else, was pleased to see some of the tubes and wires removed. It made it a lot easier to believe that he was just sleeping – resting and dreaming, able to wake up whenever he wanted. There were moments where it looked like Jack was in such a light sleep that if Doug had given his shoulder a light shake, he would open his eyes, look at him with a groggy smile like he would on an ordinary day. But this was not an ordinary day. There was no such thing as an ordinary day anymore. 

He slouched down in his chair, closing his eyes for a few minutes, careful not to fall asleep. His body ached from sitting; tensed in anticipation for hours. It had been too many days since he had heard Jack’s voice, too many days since he had looked into his eyes. It was taking its toll on him.

“Wakey wakey,” Andie smiled, as she walked in. 

“I’m awake,” Doug said softly, not opening his eyes. 

Andie moved further into the room, sitting down on the chair next to Doug. “How was the night shift?”

Opening his eyes and sitting up a little more straight in the chair he stretched out. “Probably less eventful that yours.”

“Nothing?” Andie asked, looking a little disappointed. 

Doug shook his head, eyes on Jack, wondering if he could hear them – if he was trying to get back to them. “He’s probably enjoying the rest. He’s been working too hard lately.”

“There’s nothing like a near death experience to slow you down,” Andie smiled despite herself. “You know, I don’t remember the last time I picked up the phone and called him.”

“Life can be like that,” Doug tried to reassure her.

“When was the last time you went a month without talking to Pacey?”

“Chance would be a fine thing,” Doug laughed, making Andie smile. “And last time I checked Pacey wasn’t working insane hours while becoming a doctor.”

“Thank goodness,” she smiled. 

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re there for him when it matters.”

Andie sighed slightly, looking at her brother – glad that he had Doug. “I’m sorry that I gave you such a hard time.”

“It’s okay. I deserved it.”

“No, you didn’t. You make Jack happy. The rest is none of my business.” 

“Of course it’s your business – he’s your brother.”

Andie smiled softly. “How are you finding people knowing at work?”

Doug thought about it for a moment. “It feels strange. Nice to not have to lie anymore, but it’s not like I’m really at work at the moment. I don’t think the news has spread much beyond work but people have either been really supportive or very quiet on the matter. No one has made any negative comments, so I guess that’s something.”

“There will always be someone that disapproves and tries to make life difficult no matter what you do. You just have to get on with life and try not to let it get to you. Just count yourself lucky that those people aren’t anyone important in your life. For Jack is was our father.”

Doug nodded, understanding what Andie was saying. “Even the most stubborn people come around eventually.”

“If you think Jack is stubborn, then my god, our father is something else. When those two used to butt heads it was like the house was going to come crashing down. But Jack stood his ground and eventually, with a lot of effort, it all worked out.”

“Is this where you tell me that Jack is a fighter and that everything will be okay? Because it’s sounding a lot like Jen’s tales of Jack on the football field and Pacey’s stories from college.”

“Are we that transparent?” she smiled.

“I appreciate everyone being so supportive and reassuring, but it’s hard to be positive sometimes,” he admitted. “If things were different and this was someone else, I would be thinking that those in our position should be preparing themselves for a fall.”

“But this isn’t anyone else. This is Jack,” Andie smiled.

Doug nodded, smiling slightly. “You’re right.”

They both sat quietly, both sets of eyes on Jack. Andie could not help but wonder if she was just imagining a little more colour in Jack’s cheeks compared to the night before – having spent a week looking ghostly pale. She also was not sure if she was imagining feeling him more present in the room since the sedation was removed, or if it was just wishful thinking.

“What are you planning to do with your couple of hours off?” Andie asked.

“Probably head to the break room and try and have a nap.”

“Same as every other day then?” she smiled.

“Life has become a little repetitive.”

“You know, you can go home?”

“And do what? Pace around wishing I was back here?”

“I think Jack owes you a holiday once things get back to normal,” Andie smiled, looking over at Doug, wondering why he was staring the way he was – the colour drained from his face. “What?”

Doug did not answer immediately, his eyes still fixed on Jack. “His hand,” he uttered. “It moved.”

Andie went from staring at Doug to staring at Jack’s hand, the same way he was. “Are you sure?”

“I think so,” he said softly, silently willing Jack to move again, worried that maybe he had imagined it. “Maybe I was wrong.”

Both of them remained looking at Jack hopefully, unsure what part of him they should be watching. 

“Come on, Jack,” Andie said softly, standing from her chair and moving closer to the bed, not wanting to touch him in case it restricted any tiny movement he may be capable of.

Doug remained in his seat, unsure if he could stand, his legs suddenly feeling weak. He desperately wanted to believe this was the moment they had been waiting for but was not sure he could cope with the disappointment.

“Jack?” Andie said again in a low voice. 

As if on cue a low, dull groan escaped from Jack causing Doug to suddenly stand, joining Andie at Jack’s bedside.

“Was that him?” Doug asked.

Andie simply nodded, unable to respond verbally. 

“Jack?” Doug said softly. “We’re here. Everything’s okay.”

Both of them held their breath as Jack’s eyelids began to flutter, struggling to open as though he did not have the strength to manage it. Andie reached out and took her brother’s hand, trying to lend him some of her strength. 

“You can do it,” she whispered, smiling widely as one eye lid managed to lift enough to get a fleeting view of the blue of his eyes. “That’s it,” she encouraged. 

After a moment or two both eyes opened. Doug could not help but notice that they were the dullest blue he had ever seen them, unable to focus, eyelids flickering before closing again. He saw Andie glance up at the monitor above Jack’s bed, causing him to panic slightly, scared that there was about to repeat of the week before. 

Andie’s free hand reached out and took hold of Doug’s. “It’s okay,” she reassured. “Everything looks good.”

As if a bolt of energy had shot through him, Jack’s eye flew open – fully and widely, his chest jerking ever so slightly.

“Take it slow,” Andie spoke quietly, causing Jack’s eyes to move to her, having been staring into space. His pupils grew large as he continued to look back at her, eyes drifting to Doug a split second before rolling back and once again closing.

“Jack?” Doug said, desperately wanting something more.

“He’s gone again,” Andie said softly. “This could happen a lot before he wakes properly.”

“But it’s a good sign?”

“Definitely,” Andie smiled, leaning into Doug, squeezing his hand. “We should tell the others.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack woke up in the same position he had fallen asleep in – head on Doug’s chest with arms wrapped around him securely. He knew without looking that Doug was already awake. He nuzzled in a little closer, not wanting to let go of the feeling – Doug’s hand beginning to stroke up and down his upper arm. He did not want to open his eyes, he did not want to speak – he did not want to face having to deal with everything he had chosen to push aside the night before, preferring to stay in this moment for as long as possible. He could not help but wonder what would happen if he opened his eyes, climbed out of bed, carried on with the day as if nothing had ever happened; that the last week had not taken place, and there was no reason to feel angry or upset or guilty. He wondered if Doug would simply play along; relieved that things were back just how he wanted them._

_He had somehow managed to press pause on their problems the night before and was not ready to un-pause just yet. He wanted to feel Doug’s lips against his, his skin pressed against him, his hands working their usual magic, making him forget himself, because somehow Doug had the ability to make the rest of the world disappear with just one look or expertly placed touch. Jack knew that was why he had needed to keep distance between himself and Doug all week – knowing he would eventually crumble just like he knew he would once he un-paused the world. Anything that happened on pause did not count. It was a time-out from their frustrations and upset. It was the perfect opportunity to get what he needed._

_Finally opening his eyes, Jack rolled back ever so slightly, able to look up at Doug. He looked as though he had been awake for some time. Their eyes met, filling the air between them with numerous questions. Before Doug could say a word, Jack lifted up just enough for his mouth to find his, beginning to kiss him slowly, waiting for Doug to catch up and push aside his surprise. He had been expecting Jack to ask him to leave, not kiss him. Deciding not to question a good thing he pulled Jack even closer into his hold, kissing him with the intensity of the hundred kisses he had been denied during the week._

_Jack shifted slightly, rolling flat on his back, pulling Doug on top of him – enjoying the feeling of being pinned down against the mattress, his hands gripping Doug’s shoulders keeping him from pulling away. Continuing to kiss the other man frantically, he began pushing up against him, leaving Doug with no doubt as to what he was asking for. A small voice in Doug’s head was asking if this was a good idea given everything that had gone unsaid, quickly shrugging away the feeling, telling himself that maybe this was exactly what was needed to break the tension. He was not sure exactly was Jack was thinking but he was pretty sure that he was on board._

_Jack gripped hold of the bottom of Doug’s T-shirt, pulling it up his back, only letting go when Doug lifted up to finish the job Jack had started, watching as Jack quickly removed his own T-shirt, tossing it to the side before pulling Doug back down flat against him. Doug’s mouth went to Jack’s neck, breathing in the scent of him, savouring the taste of his skin – committing it to memory in case it was the last time he got the chance. The feel of Jack’s hands in his hair, the sound of him breathing heavily in his ear, the way he we pushing up against him was driving him as crazed as Jack was. His hands travelled down Jack’s body finding the top of his underwear, pushing them down the best he could while on top of him, lifting his hips slightly as he felt Jack kick his legs trying to free himself, his hands pushing at Doug’s remaining clothing in return. With some difficulty Doug managed to shed the clothing he had thrown on the night before to drive over to Jack’s, kicking is aside, feeling skin to skin contact with the full length of Jack’s body, wondering which one of them had released the moan that floated around them._

_Jack pulled Doug’s attention back from his neck to his mouth, kissing him passionately as he moved his legs further apart, causing Doug to drop down into the space created, once again pushing up, making it clear that he did not want to wait any longer. This was not the occasion for taking their time and enjoying the promise that foreplay offered. Jack wanted to feel Doug deep inside him. Hearing Jack loud and clear but not wanting to jump into things too quickly, Doug reached between their bodies, lifting just enough to find the right angle, pushing his fingers quickly and deeply into the other man, feeling him immediately lurch up from the bed as he did so; the sound that came from him was pure pleasure. Doug twisted and manipulated, leaning awkwardly on one arm as his mouth continued to be ravaged._

_“Enough,” Jack groaned after a few moments, pushing at Doug’s arm, causing him to pull out. He wanted more; needed more – comfort was not in the forefront of his mind. He did not want time to think about anything. He did not want to feel anything other than physical pleasure – certain that Doug could deliver just that, as long as he did not give his brain a chance to take over. There would be plenty of time for that. Plenty of time for trying to articulate all the things he had spent all week over thinking. Plenty of time for them to talk, disagree, find common ground, make up in a more meaningful and loving way. That was not what this was. This was simply dealing with a basic human need for contact in the most primal way he could imagine._

_Doug quickly obliged, thrusting into Jack, suddenly feeling a comparable need to let off a little steam. It was not how he had thought they were going to start their morning, but then again he had not been expecting to spend the night with Jack’s in his arms. If it meant being with Jack he was happy to take the other man’s lead. He repositioned slightly, lifting one of Jack’s legs and wrapping it around him, knowing exactly what Jack wanted – thrusting hard and fast over and over, his hand working over Jack in quick strokes. Jack pushed back against him, using his leg to help increase the force of Doug’s movements. Doug watched at Jack’s stomach muscles contracted with each thrust, realising there was not an inch of Jack’s body that he did not think was perfect – loving the expression playing over his face; his head thrown back. Doug could not help but notice that he seemed a little less haunted than he had the night before._

_Doug kept going, unrelenting, even as Jack began to cry out, his voice getting louder with each one of Doug’s well positioned trusts – his head pushing further back into the pillow behind him as his back arched. This was it. This was what he needed. Mindless, unadulterated pleasure – the likes of which he had not sought out since college. He knew it would leave him feeling empty, just like it always had back then but he did not care. He had felt empty for days – broken for days. This was not going to cause any further damage. Even though he missed the overwhelming feelings of love and fulfillment associated with being with Doug – the way Doug made him feel utterly complete and love drunk in those heady moments afterwards, his heart could not welcome those feelings again – not yet._

_Doug kept his eyes on Jack throughout, noticing that Jack was doing his absolute best to look anywhere other than back at him – choosing to close his eyes when he would usually be looking right back into Doug’s eyes. Accepting that this could be the high point of his day, Doug kept going, knowing that both of them were almost there, watching as Jack’s eyes shot open widely as Doug manipulated the perfect spot one final time, sending him into orgasm. Eyes suddenly finding Doug’s as a silent cry escaped from his open mouth, causing Doug to collapse down onto him, also spent._

_Doug kissed him gently, feeling his chest beneath him rising and falling as quickly as his own, running his hand through Jack’s now damp hair, softly kissing his chin, feeling it quiver ever so slightly. Jack squeezed his eyes closed, biting down hard on his bottom lip, trying to keep the tsunami within from flooding out. He was not meant to be feeling – this was not the plan. He tried to swallow back the anger burning inside of him – hating Doug for making him feel like this. For making him feel as though he could not live without him. He hated that even when he tried to push it all aside, the love he felt could not be ignored._

_Doug looked down at Jack, seeing the tears that were escaping past his dark lashing, tracing their way down his cheeks. “Jack,” he whispered softly, attempting to move away, only to be held in place by Jack’s hands gripping his shoulder. “I love you.”_

_As though they were the last words Jack could cope with hearing, he crumbled beneath Doug, clinging to him as though he was scared that he would simply disappear._

_“Talk to me. Please,” Doug said softly, resting on his elbows, his hands on Jack’s face, trying to wipe away the tears that kept coming. “We can fix this.”_

_Jack opened his eyes, looking back up at Doug. “Promise?”_

_Doug smiled softly, kissing the tip of Jack’s nose. “I promise.”_

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Are you beginning to think they imagined it?” Pacey asked, leaning back in his chair, resting his feet on the edge of Jack’s bed, receiving a disapproving look from Jen – wondering if it were his question or his feet that caused the look. For good measure he lowered his feet, smiling to himself knowing that Jack would not care. “When Doug called me earlier I thought it was all systems go.”

“Me too,” Jen confessed softly. “I guess it doesn’t work like that.”

“I keep expecting him to wake up, yawn and ask for a cup of coffee.”

Jen could not help but laugh. “I wouldn’t hold your breath on that one.”

“If only,” Pacey sighed. “I would happily bring him coffee every morning for the rest of his life he just opened his eyes now and gave us a proper McPhee smile.”

“I think you’d be stepping on Doug’s toes a little if you did that.”

“Right now I don’t think Doug would care,” Pacey sighed, wondering how much more his brother could take. The initial excitement of the morning had dwindled as the hours went on as though nothing had ever happened. “I think this morning really got his hopes up.”

“He just needs to be patient. We all do.” Jen groaned, shaking her head. “Listen to me, I’m sounding like Grams.”

“That could be a good thing,” Pacey smiled. “If I were unconscious and I heard Grams’ voice ordering me awake I would damn well do it. Have you tried that?”

“Jack isn’t scared of Grams like you weirdly still are,” Jen smiled.

“Well, if I’m ever in this state feel free to try it.”

“Let’s hope we never get the chance.”

Pacey nodded, hoping that to be the case. “Life can be a real shit storm sometimes.”

“You can say that again.”

“Don’t you find it all a little bit ironic – we’re all here, spending time together. I don’t even remember the last time I saw Andie, or spent this much time with Doug outside of the Icehouse. You’re here – Amy and Grams. Jack would love it and he’s the one missing out.”

Jen was nodding, listening to Pacey speak, understanding what he was saying. It was true – Jack would love having everyone together. “Did you hear that, Jack? You’re missing out. Everyone’s here. You even got engaged since the accident,” she joked, deciding to talk directly to her friend, wondering if he could hear.

“What do you think he would make of all that?” Pacey asked.

“The fake engagement?” Jen asked, getting a nod from Pacey. “I don’t know. He’s never really talked about getting married. It’s not something either of us really have spoken about.”

“Do you think he would?” 

“Maybe,” she smiled, looking at her friend, wondering what was going on in his head. “I imagine he would go for something small and intimate if he ever did. How about Doug?”

“Who knows,” Pacey laughed. “Last week only a handful of people knew he was gay, let alone in a relationship.”

“I heard someone talking about it when I went to the grocery store yesterday,” Jen confessed, having not told Doug.

“What were they saying?” Pacey asked, his stomach churning a little.

“Nothing bad,” she smiled. “I was ready to wade in if needed. It was just general chatter really as you’d expect – wondering how no one had noticed anything. They seemed more concerned about Jack.”

“Good,” Pacey nodded. “If you hear anything not so friendly, you’ll let me know?”

She nodded. “Are you anticipating a backlash?”

“This is Capeside. I try not to think badly of this little town but it always finds new ways to disappoint me.”

“Maybe this could be the turning point.”

“I hope so,” Pacey smiled, glancing over at Jack, shocked to see his eyes wide open. “Jen,” he said quietly, as though spooking Jack could cause him to disappear back into himself like a skittish animal. He stood from his chair slowly causing Jen to look in Jack’s direction, also jumping up from her chair when she saw what Pacey had.

“Jack,” she said softly, standing at his bedside, reaching out and taking his hand. “Hi,” she smiled.

Jack’s eyes flickered slightly, looking around the room, his face blank.

“Everything’s okay,” Pacey said softly. “You’re in the hospital, but you’re going to be fine.”

Jack’s hand curled into a fist at his side – his eyes squeezing closed for a moment before opening again.

“Jack, can you hear me?” Jen asked, wondering why they were receiving no signs of recognition. “It’s me; Jen and Pacey is here.”

His chest began to rise and fall quickly, the machine behind him beginning to beep more loudly as Jack began to bang his cast wrapped arm against the bed, becoming more agitated with each second.

“We should get someone,” Pacey said, glancing at the door, grateful to see one of the nurses coming in having seen the monitor. 

She moved straight to Jack’s bedside, looking down at him, paying particular attention to his eyes. She quickly pressed a couple of buttons on the machines before glancing over at Jen and Pacey – seeing the concern on their faces.

“Try not to worry,” she said. “This is relatively normal.” Returning her attention to Jack, she placed a hand on his arm. “It’s okay – everything is going to be fine.”

Both Jen and Pacey watched as Jack raised his other hand to his head, running it back and forth over his forehead, getting close to the healing gash on his head.

“I’ll be right back,” the nurse said, having already pressed the button above Jack’s bed requesting assistance. 

“Jack, come one, man – you’re okay,” Pacey said, beginning to get more worried. 

“What’s happening?” Jen asked softly, unable to see any sign of her friend in Jack’s eyes. His face remained blank, his chest still jerking uncomfortably. 

“I’m going to have to ask you both to leave,” the nurse said apologetically as she re-entered the room. 

“Is he okay?” Jen asked.

“Someone will come and talk to you as soon as possible,” the nurse assured, glancing up as two other members of staff walked in.

“Come on,” Pacey said softly, wrapping his arm around Jen and leading her to the door, both unable to tear their eyes away from their friend until the last second when the door was closed behind them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“What do you mean?” Doug asked, pacing the room, the low level feeling of panic that had been residing in him all day now growing and bubbling over.

“He was just staring off into space and then became really agitated,” Jen explained.

“Did he say anything?”

“No,” Pacey shook his head. “I don’t think he even realised we were there.”

Doug slumped down in a chair, resting his head in his heads. “Should we call Andie?”

“Let her sleep,” Pacey shook his head. “We can call her after the doctors have been. We don’t even know if it’s anything to worry about.”

“I don’t know about you but I’m worried,” Doug said quickly.

“I know,” Jen said sitting down next to him. “But we can’t expect him just to wake up as if nothing has happened.”

“He’s still on some pretty strong drugs,” Pacey added. 

“I guess,” Doug nodded.

The door opened and one of the doctors walked in. Doug was beginning to get déjà vu each time this happened, wondering how many more times they would be couped up in wait of news – praying that their luck had not run out.

“Afternoon,” the doctor greeted. “How are you all holding up?”

“We’re fine,” Jen answered for all of them, not really sure if that were true about any of them.

“I know you’re probably concerned about what just happened, but I just want to reassure you that it was nothing particularly unexpected.”

“How do you mean?” Pacey asked, wishing someone could have prepared them a little better if that were the case.

“Without delving too deep into the medical science, consciousness is made up of wakefulness and awareness. When someone is in a coma this is because both elements are impaired. Quite often when a patient begins to wake, their awareness is not always as quick to catch up. In Jack’s case, especially as he was in an induced coma, his awareness is not quite back.”

“So this is normal?” Doug asked.

“It’s certainly very common,” the doctor responded. “It can typically last anything from a day or two up to a couple of weeks. We would only really be concerned if it lasted longer than that. At that point we would stop viewing it as a route to recovery and instead be considering the possibility that it is a permanent state.”

“Is that a possibility?” Jen asked.

“Everything is a possibility at the moment. But it is likely? Probably not. So far all the signs are looking good.”

“What you’re saying is that even though he looks awake, he’s not actually awake?” Pacey asked.

“You could look at it like that,” the doctor nodded. “I prefer to think of it as him slowly waking. His body and mind are not quite on the same page. You may start to get moments of greater awareness, but it’s likely to fade in and out.” 

“Can he hear us?” Doug asked.

“It’s not proven, but studies would suggest that yes, he can hear. He just may not be able to respond just yet. Imagine that brief moment as you begin to wake from a deep sleep. Jack taking his time to pull through that is not necessarily a bad thing.”

“Should we prepare ourselves for anything else?” Jen said – her thoughts spilling out.

“You may find as Jack’s awareness returns he will experience a level of confusion. Think of it as his brain re-booting. Somethings will come back to him more quickly than others. He may have no memory of what happened and patients can find that difficult to reconcile. You need to remember that Jack has sustained a head injury and we cannot possibly know yet what affect that has had on him. He’s not going to be his old self immediately and at this point, we cannot possibly say what is the result of him waking from the coma and what was caused by the accident. Movement, speech, understanding – these are all things that could take time. Some things his brain may need to learn all over again.” 

“How is he now?” Pacey asked.

“We’ve given him a light sedative to reduce any anxiety. He’s doing well. Give it a little time for the nurses to finish up and you can head back in.”

“Thank you,” Doug nodded.

“We’ll keep you updated,” the doctor nodded, opening the door and slipping back out.

“That’s a relief,” Pacey sighed.

“Is it?” Jen asked. “That sounded pretty scary to me.”

“We’ll just have to wait,” Doug shook his head – wishing they could do something more, an uneasy feeling growing inside of him.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__  
_Jack sat at one end of the couch, back pressed against the arm rest, legs pulled up into his body. He had attempted to delay the inevitable – taking an unnecessarily long shower, followed by stripping the sheets off the bed and putting them in the wash, fiddling around needlessly with the coffee pot before turning it on, watching as the coffee filled the jug drop by drop. He felt completely exposed, and it did not matter how much he loved Doug – he did not want him seeing him like that. He had worked so hard to portray a version of himself that was sure and confident and experienced, but the truth was, even if he had more experience being in a relationship with a man, he had virtually no experience of being in love. Being in a relationship that was worth fighting for was new to him, and while he did want to fight for it, desperately – he knew his default setting was to jump before being pushed._

_He had spent the hours it had taken to walk home the weekend before trying to figure out what was going on in Doug’s head – wondering if leaving him at the trail was Doug’s subconscious sending a message. A message that by the time Jack had made it home he had received loud and clear. It seemed inevitable that eventually Doug would not only choose to leave him in the middle of nowhere in order to protect his secret, but ultimately leave him completely if he felt his reputation was at risk. As far as Jack was concerned Doug had decided in that moment which of the two things were most important and it was not Jack._

_After a while of watching Jack busy himself with anything he could think of, Doug had decided it was time, approaching him and gently wrapping his arms around him. “We need to talk,” he said softly, growing concerned that the longer Jack had to withdraw, the harder it would be to get through to him. He took hold of his hand, leading him over to the couch, watching as he sat down, pulling his body into ball, bracing himself for impact._

_Doug sat down at the opposite end of the couch. “I don’t want this to be over,” he said cautiously._

_“Neither do I,” Jack nodded._

_“I know you feel like we can’t come back from this, but I know we can,” Doug said, wanting to make his position really clear. “I know I behaved like a complete idiot, but I love you and I’m so sorry.”_

_Jack sighed slightly; eyes fixed on his knees. It did not matter how sure Doug sounded; he was struggling to believe it._

_“I’ve spent all week wondering why you were trying so hard to push me away and I think I get it now,” Doug nodded. “I know I did something really stupid – I realised immediately that it was completely the wrong thing to do and I knew you were going to be angry, but I don’t think I appreciated how hurt you would be by it. I feel really ashamed about that.”_

_Jack dipped his head, looking down at his hands, not knowing what to say – not knowing if Doug expected him to say anything._

_“I know how it must have looked. I know it must have seemed like I didn’t care about you, but I do. More than anything. This was not my way of walking away from us, or trying to push you away. I’m not going anywhere, Jack. So no matter how hard you push, or how many times you doubt what I’m saying to you, I’m still going to be here.”_

_“It’s not that simple.”_

_“Why not?”_

_“Because I don’t think you would do things differently if it happened again,” Jack said simply. “It’s one thing to be with someone that doesn’t want to tell anyone about your relationship, but it’s something completely different being in a relationship with someone who is actively trying to deny any association with you. I don’t want to be with someone who is ashamed to be with me.”_

_“I’m not ashamed to be with you,” Doug replied, trying to hide the panic in his voice._

_“So what is it then?” Jack asked._

_“I’m just not ready for everyone to know my business.”_

_“You wouldn’t be saying that if I were a woman.”_

_“But you’re not,” Doug replied. “I know that this seems really black and white to you, but it’s complicated. And I wish I could explain it to you in a way that made more sense but I have spent my whole life trying to get to where I am today – earning people’s trust, paying my dues, and I am lucky enough to have a job that I love. Part of that job means keeping as much of my personal life out of my public persona as possible. That won’t be possible if I become Capeside gossip.”_

_“So your job is more important?”_

_“No,” Doug shook his head. “But it’s not less important either.”_

_“Right,” Jack nodded, wondering if there was anything else to say._

_“I don’t expect to be more important to you than your career,” Doug tried to justify._

_“No, I get that. I don’t have a problem with that,” Jack replied. “What I have a problem with is you saying one second that I’m the most important thing to you and then the next second making out that I’m a threat to everything you’ve spend your whole life working towards. And yes, my job is important to me, but when I go to work I’m not pretending to be someone else. I have not put myself in a position where I have to choose between the two parts of my life.”_

_“Are you asking me to choose?”_

_“No,” Jack said exasperated. “I’m just struggling with the fact that when you say you love me, only half of you means it.”_

_“That’s not true.”_

_“It’s how it feels.”_

_Doug stayed quiet, knowing he needed to respect what Jack was saying._

_“I don’t expect to be your whole world, Doug – especially after only a few months. I don’t even want to be. I just don’t want to be walking on eggshells in case I do something that causes your world to crumble.”_

_“That’s not how it is,” Doug said weakly._

_“How is it not?” Jack asked, his sadness evident in his voice. “What if I had come looking for you last weekend? What if timings had been different and we had crossed paths with someone. Would you have blamed me if someone questioned us being together?”_

_“No, of course not,” Doug said firmly. “It would have been my fault.”_

_“But it would have been a problem?” Jack shook his head._

_“Potentially,” Doug admitted._

_“And that’s my point,” Jack shrugged, as though there was no resolve. “I don’t want to be a problem.”_

_“Don’t do that,” Doug pleaded. “Don’t try and twist everything to prove your point. It’s like you’re trying to find any excuse you can find for this to be over.”_

_“What am I twisting?” Jack asked, frustrated. “How am I supposed to find anything positive in this?”_

_“How about the fact that I love you,” Doug replied quickly. “Is that not positive enough for you?”_

_“No, I’m not sure it is enough,” Jack shook his head. “I do not want to be loved in a way that comes with conditions and rules of behaviour.”_

_Doug put his head in his hands, realising that he was losing the battle. “What do you want, Jack? Because you’ve made it quite clear what you don’t want.”_

_Jack shook his head softly. “I want what everyone wants, I guess – I want to feel important to someone. To feel like a priority, at least some of the time. I want someone I can plan a future with.”_

_“We can plan a future.”_

_“How?” Jack asked. “How can we plan anything when you could bail at any time?”_

_“I’ve already told you that I’m not going to do that,” Doug said softly, feeling as though they were going in circles. “What do I need to do to make you believe that?”_

_Jack hung his head, knowing that that they were getting closer to the main issue._

_“Do you trust me?” Doug asked, suddenly realising that he had hit the nail on the head with one simple question._

_Jack did not answer the question; knowing it was not as simple as yes or no. The truth was that there were very few people in the world that he trusted completely – including himself._

_“Okay,” Doug nodded slightly, moving from his end of the couch, sitting in front of Jack. “I guess I can’t exactly blame you. I screwed up and I know that. I could keep apologising for that but I don’t think that’s what you really want and I definitely don’t think it’s what you need.” He reached out and took Jack’s hand. “I don’t know what people have done in the past to make you so weary, but I promise you I’m not like them. I know how amazing you are. I know already that my life without you simply wouldn’t be worth living. You want to be important to someone? Well, you’ve got it, because you’re important to be. I love you. Not with just half of myself – I love you so completely that I’m scared that if anyone saw us together there would be way in hell that I could deny my feelings. It just wouldn’t be possible. And while that is terrifying, it’s not as bad as the thought of losing you.”_

_“I don’t want to be a secret just so I can keep you,” Jack said softly._

_Doug nodded. “I know. It may not seem like it but I don’t want that either.”_

_“I just don’t see how this can work,” Jack admitted. “I can’t move backwards any more than you can be where I want you to be.”_

_“I don’t want you to move backwards,” Doug shook his head._

_“If this relationship is doomed then the most sensible thing to do would be to walk away now.”_

_“I can’t do that,” Doug shook his head, sliding closer. “Because I’ve already planned our future in my head.”_

_“You have?” Jack smiled slightly, wondering what Doug could have dreamed up._

_“The whole lot – the house, the vacations, the dogs.”_

_“Dogs?” Jack laughed despite himself. “Plural?”_

_“Of course – two, maybe three.”_

_“Oh no – no way,” Jack shook his head. “If you think I’m cleaning up after three dogs and taking them for walks while you’re working crazy hours then you’re very much mistaken.”_

_“So we get a dog walker,” Doug shrugged._

_“What’s the point having dogs if you’re going to pay someone else to look after them?”_

_“Okay – so one dog. That’s my final offer.”_

_“I’m not convinced.”_

_“A nice house with lots of land, plenty of space for it to run around.”_

_“Please don’t call our dog an ‘it’,” Jack smiled._

_Doug smiled too, delving deeper into his imagination. “A nice open fireplace that we can use in the winter. Curl up on the couch together. You still won’t have learnt to cook so I’ll make dinner and you do the washing up. Enough space for guests to come and stay. An impressively stocked wine cellar. Vacations to Europe.”_

_“When did you win the lottery?” Jack asked._

_“That’s easy,” Doug smiled. “The day I met you.”_

_Jack shook his head, eyes grazing their joined hands, a blush ghosting over his cheeks. “And the reason for us living so remotely in this fantasy of yours? Am I still your secret?”_

_“Far from it,” Doug replied, leaning forward and kissing Jack softly. “We had to move further out of town because people were getting jealous of how in love we are.”_

_“Sounds very Capeside,” Jack rolled his eyes as though it were true. “What if I want to live by the ocean.”_

_“Whatever you want,” Doug smiled._

_“One day,” Jack said softly, dipping his head – knowing it was easier said than done._

_“I know it’s not fair but I just need some more time. Not because I’m not sure about you or us, I’m just not ready yet.”_

_Jack nodded reluctantly, not feeling as though he had much choice._

_“And I will do whatever it takes for you to trust me,” Doug said, kissing him again. “I promise you that I’m not going anywhere.”_

_“I know,” Jack said softly, lowering his knees, making more space for Doug to lean in. “I’m trying.”_

_“I know,” Doug smiled, wrapping his arms around the other man, pulling him close, holding him tightly, beginning to feel like things were getting back on track._

_“How about kids?” Jack asked, a slight smirk on his face._

_Doug pulled back slightly, a smile on his face and a questioning look in his eyes. “Kids?”_

_“You know, children; young humans – smaller than your average adult,” Jack teased._

_“Do you want kids?” Doug asked, having not given it a huge amount of thought._

_“I’d rather have three kids than three dogs,” Jack laughed slightly._

_“Really?” Doug smiled. “You know kids have a habit of becoming teenagers?”_

_“A sheriff that’s scared of teenagers. Interesting.”_

_“I never said I was scared,” Doug replied quickly. “Okay,” he nodded. “Add a kid or two.”_

_“Not three?” Jack teased._

_“No, the middle one is always weird.”_

_Jack looked at him offended. “I’m the middle of three.”_

_“I rest my case.”_

_“Very funny,” he rolled his eyes._

_“You know, I would class myself as quite traditional,” Doug started only to be interrupted._

_“You don’t say,” Jack laughed._

_“I’m not sure I approve of having children outside of marriage.”_

_“I wouldn’t say that to Jen,” Jack laughed_

_“What do you say?” Doug smiled._

_“Right now?” Jack shook his head jokingly. “I was hoping to leave my options open.”_

_“Other than leaving your options open, do you have any thoughts on the subject?”_

_“Of marriage?”_

_“Well, generally speaking, I guess – I was thinking more from a personal aspiration perspective.”_

_Jack shrugged. “Maybe.”_

_“Maybe?” Doug laughed. “That’s better than a no, I guess.”_

_Jack rolled his eyes. “Could we maybe not too ahead of ourselves? We haven’t even established if we’re back together.”_

_“Really?” Doug smiled, kissing Jack again. “Because as far as I am concerned, we were never not together.”_

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen found it impossible to sit still – no longer able to sit in wait for Jack to move or open his eyes. She found things to keep herself busy. She rearranged the flowers next to Jack’s bed, re-read his cards for the tenth time. She paced the room for a while, trying to forget the feeling that she wanted to climb in bed next to Jack, curl up with her head on his chest, like she had done numerous times before. She wanted to feel his protective hands on her, lace her fingers with hers, take away some of his pain.

She moved to his bedside, perching on the edge, her hand resting on his cheek, still able to see traces of blood in his hair, knowing that he would hate that. She felt his cheek move slightly under her touch – just a small muscle movement, the attempt at a smile.

“Hi,” she said softly, no idea if he even knew she was there. She stroked her thumb over his cheek, once against feeling the same muscle movement. “You like that, huh?” she smiled, liking to imagine that this was his way of communicating with her. “It’s just me here. Andie will be here soon. Pacey has had to go to the Icehouse to check on things. Last time I checked Doug was sleep.”

She sat quietly, eyes fixed on Jack’s face, wondering if she could will him awake. Wondering if he was dreaming, or if he was just watching what was going on around him. “I think Grams is coming to come and see you soon.” The same muscle moved again making Jen look at him more closely, a smile on her face. “You can hear me, can’t you?” The muscle moved again making Jen want to cry. “Do you think you can open your eyes?”

She waited a moment, holding her breath, realising that maybe she was hoping too much. “Only if you want to,” she added, not wanting to make him feel bad if he could hear her. A moment later Jack’s eyelids began to flicker before slowly opening. The muscle of Jack’s cheek once again pulled, this time a little more strongly causing something that very nearly resembled a smile. 

“Hi,” she smiled softly, looking down into his eyes, trying to hold back her tears. “Well, aren’t you a sight for sore eyes.”

His eyes closed briefly before opening again, looking right back at her, leaning into her hand still on his cheek.

“Have you been listening to everything we’ve been saying all week?”

He looked at her questioningly and she was pretty sure she knew why. She paused for a moment wondering what she should say. She did not know if the truth was the right way to go, but equally she could not bring herself to lie to him. She knew that if the roles were reversed she would want to know what’s going on.

“It’s been eight days,” she said softly. “You were in a car accident.”

His eyes closed again and she felt his jaw tighten. This time when he opened his eyes tears were visible. He looked almost childlike. It reminded her of the day he had come to live with her and Grams – trying so hard to look strong and brave when inside he was a wreck. It did not take much skill to recognise the mask he had been wearing for so long – it had been the same as her own.

“Don’t you start,” she said softly. “You’ll set me off.”

The first tear rolled down his cheek, quickly followed by the second, pooling in a puddle against her fingers. She leant down and kissed him softly on his forehead.

“Everything is going to be okay,” she promised, wiping the tears from his cheek. “Everyone is here. We’ve missed you.”

Jack’s mouth opened slightly, no words escaping, only a soft groan. Jen felt him clench his fist. She could feel his frustration, knowing that he wanted to speak – the message not getting from his brain to his lips.

“Relax,” she said softly, stroking his face. “Don’t try and do everything all at once.” 

He was still flighting a little but she was not sure what he wanted. She was not sure if he was in pain or uncomfortable or if he was just scared that nothing seemed to be working right.

“Why don’t I just talk to you. Is that okay with you?”

His cheek twitched once again; his body visibly relaxing a little. Jen smiled and nodded softly, curling up next to him, careful not to touch any remaining wires and tubes. 

“I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve been staying at your house with Grams and Amy. They’re looking forward to seeing you. Amy is getting bigger every day. I think you’ll be surprised when you see her. She’s getting more little blonde curls – she’s so cute.”

Feeling his body relax further she continued to talk, her hand remaining on his cheek so she could feel for any movement. She talked to him about anything she could think of, avoiding talking about the crash and the aftermath, focusing happy times, slowly feeling him begin to fade, his eyes closing softly, his cheek offering one last twitch before he drifted away.

“Sleep tight,” she smiled, kissing his cheek softly. “We’ll be here when you wake.”

**To be continued…**


	7. Memories

Jen could tell that Doug had been disappointed to have missed out on the period of lucidity she had shared with Jack – envy burning in his eyes when he came to take over from her; finding her curled up on the edge of the bed next to the man he loved. She tried not to make a bit deal of it – trying to hide the fact that their one sided conversation had done so much to raise her spirits. She decide to simply stick to the facts, letting him know that Jack was hearing them and fighting to be heard himself. 

He tried to tell himself that merely being in the room with Jack was enough – that it did not matter if he opened his eyes, looked at him, smiled, spoke. All of that would come. There was no need to rush. They had the rest of their lives. He tried to tell himself that it was not a conscious decision of Jack’s to open his eyes and communicate with Jen over anyone else, but there was still a part of him that felt cheated. It should have been his eyes Jack was looking into, his hand on Jack’s cheek. He knew that he needed to see that spark in Jack’s eyes – the one that even when we was tired, or irritated, or even angry, was still there; letting Doug know that he loved him. He missed seeing that. He needed it desperately.

Doug had once again resigned himself to the hospital, only leaving to return home for a quick shower and to get changed, and even then he only did so immediately after Jack had been given further sedation or pain medication, knowing that knocked him out for a good few hours and he was not risking missing him being awake. He would drive directly from the hospital to his home only to head back in the opposite direction as quickly as possible. He avoided going into work, sometimes getting Deputy Munroe to meet him at home if he needed anything. He avoided going anywhere where he was likely to see anyone, knowing that the news of Jack’s accident and their relationship was beginning to spread and he did not have the energy to deal with people’s comments.

If the town was going to talk, which he knew they would, he would rather be absent. He did not want to hear the comments, to feel the looks, to answer the questions. He told himself that his sole focus was Jack’s recovery but he knew deep down that was not really true. If he stayed away from the town and small minded people that inhabited it, then it was much easier to pretend that no one knew and without him being out in public confirming anything, he knew that some of them would choose to simply disbelieve what they had heard. But when he closed his eyes to take a nap he could see Jack’s face – his eyes burning into him, and he knew that he was still doing him a disservice. He wondered if Jack knew it too. If that was the reason he remained lifeless in his presence. 

Doug shifted in his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. He felt tired – more so than normal; having got used to the usual buzz of exhaustion that had kept him on edge for over a week now. He felt drained – everything he had pouring out of him on a daily basis with nothing filling him back up. No evenings curled up on the couch with Jack watching a movie, no preparing meals together, no laughing and joking, no release of his frustration. He wanted to have a strong drink. He wanted to hit something. He wanted to scream until everything felt better – wondering what he would do if things never felt better.

He had noticed a difference in Jack since being removed from his coma, noting that he looked more like he was simply sleeping that he had before. More like he could open his eyes at any second, but that thought mostly lead to disappointment, having waited at his bedside for hours since Jen left with not so much as a flicker of an eyelid. He closed his eyes, wondering if he was better off just taking a nap, trying to switch off for thirty minutes. He shifted again, unable to get comfortable, growing increasingly fed up with hospital chairs, even if this particular one was one of the better ones. He twisted a little, hoping that would be enough to ease the ache in his back, but it was not working. He always felt as though he was being watched – nursing and doctors coming in and out all the time. Andie, Jen or Pacey checking on him to see how he was doing, as though they had decided to focus their attentions on him the whole while they could do little for Jack. 

Sat in the chair, his eyes closed, that’s exactly how he felt – as though he was being watched. Waiting for the moment to pass like it always did, but finding that it was not fading, he opened his eyes, wondering what he was sensing – his eyes meeting Jack’s staring back at him.

“Jack,” he said softly, a smile spreading across his face, standing from the chair and taking the couple of small paces required to be right at Jack’s bedside. 

Jack was still staring at him – a questioningly look in his eyes. Doug wondered if it was a look of confusion; a groggy heaviness from having just woken, but that did not seem to fit. He looked relatively alert, more so than he had last time Doug had seen him awake. He looked like he wanted to ask something. 

Doug took hold of his hand, noticing that Jack’s eyes darted to their joined hands – too relieved by the fact that he was clearly aware of Doug’s presence and touch that he missed the flash of surprise in Jack’s eyes. “How are you feeling?” Doug asked softly, unsure if or how Jack may respond.

Jack’s lips moved, pursing together as though he was trying to talk, but his jaw remained clenched. He was looking at Doug – that same questioning look.

“It’s okay,” Doug said softly, his hand moving to Jack’s shoulder, rubbing slightly. “It’s just going to take time.”

Jack’s eyes widened, a clear look of panic etched across his face as his body tensed and shoulder jerked under Doug’s touch. His mouth moving again, struggling to do what he wanted it to – his lower jaw pushing outwards as he tried to speak. The smallest of sounds came out as a groan rather an a recognisable word. He lifted his head slightly from his pillow, dropping it back down in frustration.

“It’s okay,” Doug said again, beginning to get more concerned. “Take it slowly. What are you trying to say?”

Jack stared back at him, his chest rising and falling at pace. His eyes narrowed as though he was trying to work out the expression on Doug’s face, his eyebrows furrowed as he froze for a moment, trying to calm himself. He took a deep breath, eyes still on Doug, opening his mouth just a little. His lips made the movement of the sound that he wanted to make but nothing came out. He closed his eyes and let out a groan.

Doug had no idea what he was trying to say. Wishing more than ever that he could read Jack’s thoughts. He seemed uncomfortable and on edge and Doug desperately wanted to help. “Are you in pain?” he asked. “Do you need something?”

Jack’s eyes reopened as though he realised that they were about to enter into a potentially long guessing game – something he was willing to do if it got him what he needed. He again opened his mouth, his jaw lowering slightly, his tongue pressed against the back of his teeth, a small phonetic sound escaping – ‘n’. Jack stared up at Doug stunned, a slight smile briefly forming on his face, repeating the sound in the absence of being able to form a full word.

Doug looked at him for a moment, pleased to see the smile on his face, enjoying seeing how pleased Jack looked with himself. Then we had a wave of panic, realising that he had no idea what Jack meant. He tried to think for a moment before repeating the noise back to the other man, suddenly realising. “No? You’re saying no?”

Jack smiled widely, his head making a movement that was close to a nod, repeating the same sound.

“Okay. Good,” Doug smiled. “So you’re not in pain?”

Jack seemed to think about it for a moment before making his newly discovered sound. 

“Good,” Doug smiled, having been worried that his pain relief would not be enough now that he was becoming more aware. He reached out, touching Jack’s face, thumb stroking over his cheek.

“n,” Jack repeated, this time more loudly, causing Doug to pull back surprised. 

“What’s wrong?” Doug asked concerned, wondering if he had hurt him somehow.

Jack continued to stare back at him, remembering his confusion from before that had been momentarily washed away by the excitement of his minor vocal achievement. Wondering if he could manage another sound he opened his mouth again and made a phonetic ‘a’ sound.

“I don’t understand,” Doug said sadly, no idea what was going on.

It was clear that Jack was putting all his energy and concentration into trying to talk, managing to make both sounds one after the other. “a, n.” He looked up and Doug hopefully but could see that he did not understand. Taking a deep breath he made the same sounds again. “a, n.”

“I’m sorry,” Doug said softly.

Jack nodded, realising he was going to need to try harder to find another sound. Again he took a deep breath, his mouth making a similar shape as the first sound he managed, this time making a ‘d’ sound. He smiled, relief on his face before attempting to put it all together. “a, n, d.”

“And?” Doug asked, feeling as though he was missing the point but when Jack smiled widely he realised he had heard him right, he just did not understand. “And,” he repeated before realising. “Andie?”

Jack smiled, relaxing into the pillow below him, pleased to have managed to convey his message.

“You want Andie?” Doug asked, trying not to feel hurt.

Jack nodded, looking at Doug expectantly, as though he thought Doug would leave and find his sister, becoming a little frustrated when that did not happened. “a, n, d,” Jack repeated, as though Doug was missing his point.

“I know,” Doug nodded. “You want Andie. She will be here soon.” He looked down at his watch. “Very soon.”

Jack sighed, clearly a little disappointed, but nodded slightly.

“It’s okay,” Doug said softly, once again taking Jack’s hand. “I won’t go anywhere until she arrives.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack looked out of the passenger window of Doug’s car, having seen nothing but trees for the last thirty minutes. “Where did you say we were going again?”_

_“I didn’t,” Doug smiled, knowing full well that Jack was trying to catch him out._

_“Is this one of those moments that seems all romantic and lovely and then I’m never seen again?”_

_“How come every time I take you somewhere you insinuate that I’m trying to murder you?” Doug glanced sideways as he carried on driving down the road._

_“Because you always take me places that I’ve never heard of that are secluded and remote,” Jack smiled._

_“Or quiet and romantic?”_

_“Anywhere can be romantic until you realise you’re alone there with a serial killer.”_

_“So, what – now I’m Ted Bundy?”_

_“Don’t sound so offended. By all accounts he was a very handsome and charming man.”_

_“Who brutally murdered a lot of people,” Doug laughed, wondering if it was really appropriate to laugh about such things._

_“I’ve spent the last seven years living in big cities,” Jack reminded. “I’m not used to this level of quiet.”_

_“Well, get used to it, because where we’re heading will make Capeside look like the Big Apple,” Doug smiled, glancing over at Jack in time to see the questioning look on his face._

_“If you want a break, I’m happy to drive for a bit,” he offered._

_“How exactly would you do that when you don’t know where we’re going?”_

_Jack groaned, sinking down in his seat, trying to think of another way to get Doug to tell him where they were headed. When he had agreed for Doug to arrange a weekend away for the two of them he had expected to at least be told where they were going. “Can you tell me if we’re close?”_

_“Yes,” Doug nodded._

_“Yes, you can tell me, or yes, we’re close?” Jack laughed._

_“Both.”_

_“Good to know,” Jack rolled his eyes dramatically, sinking down further in his seat and resting his feet on the dashboard._

_“Do you know how incredibly dangerous that is?” Doug asked, glancing sideways._

_“No more so than getting in a car with someone who won’t tell you where you’re going. Particularly when no one knows who you’re with or even that you’ve gone anywhere,” Jack remarked. “If I ever have kids I’ll be more inclined to warn them of that danger.”_

_“Well, luckily for them, I will be warning them of the first danger,” Doug laughed. “If we have an accident, the way you’re sitting will cause serious damage.”_

_“Are you planning on having an accident, Sheriff?” Jack smiled._

_“No,” Doug shook his head._

_“Well then, I’ll take my chances.”_

_“But no one plans on having an accident. It’s part of the definition of an accident.”_

_Conceding that Doug was right, Jack sat up in his seat, putting his legs back down. “Happy?”_

_“Always,” Doug smiled. “We’re not far now.”_

_“Good because I’m starving,” Jack replied. “Please tell we wherever we’re going has food nearby.”_

_“Not really,” Doug shook his head. “Unless you fancy catching your own fish or foraging in the woods.”_

_Jack looked at him with an unimpressed look. “Have I done something to upset you?”_

_“No,” Doug laughed._

_“It sounds like you’re trying to punish me for something.”_

_“Could you please try and keep an open mind?”_

_“My mind is open,” Jack protested. “It’s incredibly open – filled with images of upscale hotel rooms and restaurants where you don’t have to catch and kill your own food. And room service. I love room service.”_

_“Where’s the fun in that?” Doug grinned._

_“I swear, if you make me sleep in a tent you will be heading back to Capeside incredibly single.”_

_“There’s no tent,” Doug said simply, eyes still on the road._

_“Please tell me I’ll be sleeping under something because the few things you have mentioned sound more like a survival weekend in the woods rather than a romantic weekend away,” Jack said, genuinely beginning to worry._

_“Do the stars count?”_

_“No, they do not,” Jack said quickly. “And before you say it, sleeping under you doesn’t count either.”_

_“Well, we may as well turn the car around now and go back to Capeside,” Doug teased._

_“Great, let’s do it,” Jack smiled. “But we will still need to stop for food.”_

_“How about if I promise you that where we are headed has a roof that is not made of canvas, a bed and a fully functioning bathroom?”_

_Jack thought about it for a moment. “And we’re close?”_

_“Very,” Doug smiled._

_“It did not go unnoticed that you made no reassurance about food.”_

_“I have that under control too,” Doug laughed, shaking his head. “So what do you say?”_

_“Fine,” Jack nodded. “I’ll trust you.”_

_“Good.”_

_“Famous last words,” Jack muttered under his breath._

_“I heard that,” Doug shook his head, the car slowing slightly as Doug looked for the right turning, pulling off the road and heading down a dirt track. “We’re here.”_

_“We’re here?” Jack asked, looking around, unable to see anything except trees lining the road. “Where exactly is here?”_

_Doug did not respond as he carried on driving, turning a bend so that a log cabin came into view. “Here,” he said simply._

_Jack tried to stop the smile from spreading across his face, not wanting to give Doug the satisfaction following his lack of confidence._

_Doug pulled the car to a stop and turned to look at Jack. “What? No more witty comments?”_

_“How did you find this place?” Jack asked._

_“I have connections.”_

_Jack looked at him suspiciously. “How many people have you brought here?”_

_“If I didn’t know that your natural state is to be highly suspicious and skeptical I would be offended by that question,” Doug smiled softly, climbing out of the car, leaving Jack behind as he made his way to the cabin._

_Jack quickly climbed out of the car. “That didn’t answer my question,” he called after him, realising that Doug was not coming back or stopping, he followed behind, Doug already having disappeared through the door by the time Jack has made it to the porch steps. He slowed slightly, walking up to the door, wondering if Doug was coming back. Walking in he could not help but smile – the inside was just as beautiful as the exterior._

_“What do you think?” Doug asked, reappearing from a room at the back._

_“I feel like I’ve stepped into a magazine,” Jack smiled._

_“Feel like maybe you were a little harsh in the car?” Doug asked, wrapping his arms around Jack and kissing him softly._

_Jack rolled his eyes slightly. “Maybe a little. But it just serves you right for being so secretive.”_

_“Is that so?” Doug smiled._

_“Apparently I have a highly suspicious and skeptical nature,” Jack smiled._

_“Just the way I like it.”_

_“Then there’s really nothing to apologise for,” Jack grinned. “And to be fair, I don’t see any food.”_

_“Come,” Doug smiled, taking Jack by the hand and pulling him back in the direction of the car._

_“Where are we going now?”_

_“How about you stop with all the questions?” Doug opened the trunk of the car revealing a bunch of grocery bags. “Food,” he smiled, gesturing into the trunk._

_“Okay,” Jack nodded, “I’m impressed.”_

_“Here,” Doug smiled, handing Jack a pack of cookies sat on the top of one of the bags. “These should tide you over until I’ve made lunch.”_

_“I don’t think I’ve ever loved you more,” Jack grinned._

_“You can thank me after lunch.”_

_“Okay,” Jack smiled, heading back towards the cabin. “I was thinking of thank you now, but I can wait.”_

_Doug watched Jack walk away, glancing back at the grocery bags, smiling as he quickly closed the truck. “Now sounds better,” he called after Jack, moving quickly to catch him up._

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen walked into Jack’s room, immediately noticing Andie sat in the chair, concern plastered all over her face. She glanced over at Jack, asleep as she had been expecting. “I didn’t think you’d still be here.”

“I was waiting for you,” Andie said simply, glancing over at her brother.

“What’s wrong?” Jen asked, knowing instantly that something was not right. 

“I don’t know,” Andie shook her head. “Something happened this morning.”

Jen sat down next to Andie, wondering what was going on. “Tell me.”

“Doug was in here when Jack woke up. He said Jack looked confused and grew a little agitated. He asked for me.”

“He spoke?” Jen asked, wondering why no one had called or messaged her to tell her the news. 

“Kind of,” Andie shook her head. “He was able to make some letter sounds. Doug was able to make out that he was trying to say my name.”

“That’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Jen asked. 

“Yes, of course. All of that is good. He wasn’t able to do that yesterday. But by the time I got here he looked really anxious and I don’t know if I was reading too much into it, but it seemed as though he did not want Doug here.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know,” Andie shook her head. “I was hoping you would know.”

Jen looked over at Jack looking peaceful in his sleep. “I don’t know. Last night when I was with him he was a bit emotional, but nothing out of the ordinary. Frustrated that he could not say what he wanted to, but not anything that caused concern.”

“Has something happened between Jack and Doug that I don’t know about?”

“If it has then I am just as in the dark,” Jen shook her head. “I spoke to Jack the night before the accident and he seemed absolutely fine.”

Andie nodded, pleased to hear that. She was beginning to feel as though she was a stranger in her brother’s life – feeling guilty that she had not called or visited more often. Remembering every message and voicemail she never got around to returning. She had been relieved when she heard that Jack had asked for her. It felt good that he still looked for her in moment of need – that everything they had been through together in their lives still meant something to him. That all her moments of absence were forgiven. 

“Last night, when you were with him,” Andie started, looking at Jen a little nervously, as though she was about to open Pandora’s box, “Did he know who you were?”

“Yes, definitely,” Jen nodded, adamantly. “I talked to him about Grams and Amy and I have no doubt that he understood everything.”

“Good,” Andie smiled slightly.

“He must have known who you were if he was asking for you?”

“Yes, definitely,” she nodded. “Though I didn’t really get a chance to speak to him. He was fighting to stay awake. I had to encourage him to relax and sleep.”

Jen thought about Andie’s question a little more, wondering what she was really asking. “Why are you asking that?”

Andie sighed slightly. “I don’t know. All I know is Jack did not seem comfortable.”

“We need to find out what’s going on.”

“I know. I’ve been waiting for him to wake up again.”

“We need to be gentle,” Jen said softly, thinking out loud. “We don’t really know what is going on.”

“I don’t think Doug will be able to cope with more of what happened this morning.”

Jen shook her head, knowing that Andie was right. “I guess we just have to wait until Jack wakes up.”

“Speak of the devil,” Andie smiled, watching as Jack began to open his eyes, turning towards the two of them. “Were we being too loud?” she asked, still smiling as she pulled her chair closer to his bed.

Jack scrunched his nose slightly, mouth twitching before he managed to make a sound that was very close to ‘yes’, a smile on his face, causing both Jen and Andie to laugh.

“Sorry,” Jen smiled, over the moon to hear him make a sound. “I hear you’ve been chatting away all morning.”

He simply smiled, looking around the room before relaxing further into his pillow.

“Are you comfortable?” Andie asked. “I can prop you up a little more.” She stood up, finding the controls for the bed, holding down the button to raise his head, stopping as he flinched a little. “Sorry. Is that okay?”

He made his ‘yes’ sound again, reaching his hand out the best he could for his sister, smiling when she took hold of it.

“You’re going to start getting sick of us soon,” Jen smiled. “The same visitors day after day.”

“No,” he said softly, not quite as clear as his usual voice, but an improvement on the morning.

“Well, now that you have both ‘yes’ and ‘no’ perfected it’s going to make our visits more interesting. We could play twenty questions or eye spy,” she joked, causing Jack to laugh too, a look of shock coming over his face as it happened. “You’ve clearly had a blow to the head because you never used to find me funny,” she grinned, enjoying the sound, rewarded with another short laugh.

“How are you feeling?” Andie asked, receiving a typically Jack look – one that he would give when he thought she was fussing. “Are you in any pain?” 

He scrunched his face a little, trying to tell her that he was fine, but she knew that he was hiding the truth.

“I’ll talk to the doctors, get them to review the dosage,” she replied, getting an eye roll in return. “I’m allowed to fuss. I’m your sister.”

Jack pushed his head back into the pillow behind him, giving her hand a little squeeze. It was not particularly strong but it was still nice to feel.

“Pacey will be here later. He was here yesterday but you were asleep,” Andie continued. “He’s beginning to think you’re doing it on purpose.”

“Yes,” Jack smiled.

“I don’t blame you,” Jen laughed, no longer worried that Jack may have lost his sense of humour, in fact no longer worried that he had lost anything that made him Jack. Whatever had happened that morning must have simply been crossed wires. “Doug will be back later too,” she said with a smile, her newfound optimism fading when Jack’s face changed. 

He was no longer smiling – simply looking back at her with a thousand questions in his eyes, hoping Jen would understand what no one else had so far.

“What’s wrong?” Jen asked. “Has something happened with Doug?”

He looked at her even more confused, trying to work out why she was being so nonchalant about the whole thing. 

“You do remember who Doug is?” Andie asked, seeing his confusion. 

“Yes,” Jack answered after a slight pause, trying to push the word out, wanting to say more. “P,” was all he managed.

Jen and Andie looked at each other trying to work out what ‘P’ meant, looking back at Jack, hoping it would make sense. Realising that they did not understand he tried to think of something else, eventually thinking of something. He released Andie’s hand and pointed to himself and then to her.

“Me?” Andie asked, confused – wondering what she had to do with Doug.

He repeated his action, making sure they saw him pointing to himself first before pointing at Andie.

“You and Andie?” Jen asked, receiving a nod. “You’re her brother?”

“Yes,” he smiled, a look of relief on his face, knowing Jen would get it, but she was still looking at him questioningly. He repeated his movement, looking at Jen. “P,” he repeated.

“Pacey,” Andie said softly, her heart breaking a little. “P is Pacey.”

“Yes,” Jack smiled again, wishing his words would come back to him faster than they were – finding the whole thing exhausting.

“You’re saying that Doug is Pacey’s brother?” Andie added.

“Yes,” Jack said again – the word coming out a little more clearly each time he tried.

“And that’s it?” Jen asked. “Do you remember anything else about him?”

Jack looked at her oddly, wondering what she meant. He thought for a moment before laughing slightly, holding his arms in front of him, crossed at the wrists like they were in handcuffs. He expected Jen to find that funny, or at least smile, but all she did was glance over at Andie. That’s when he began to feel anxious and the smile fell from his face.

“That’s all?” Andie asked.

“Yes,” he said simply, looking back and forth between the two of them.

They were exchanging glances, eyes holding a conversation that he was not a part of. Jack could feel his anxiety growing, releasing a groan to get their attention, unable to ask the questions in his head. 

“You have to tell him,” Jen said, knowing that Andie was not sure, receiving a prolonged silence in response. “Or I will. It’s not fair.”

“Okay,” Andie nodded, knowing that Jen was right. Jack’s eyes instantly on her. “Jack, Doug is your boyfriend.”

Jack started laughing, a huge smile on his face, head rolling back more comfortably on his pillow, realising a moment later that no one else was smiling. He looked back at Andie, seeing the serious look on her face. “No,” he said, a smile creeping back on his face until he looked at Jen and saw that she looked just as concerned. “No,” he repeated, the smile fading completely.

“Why do you think he’s been here?” Jen asked.

He slowly raised his arms to do the handcuff motion again, looking at her questioning.

“You thought he was here because of the accident?” Andie asked.

“P,” was all he said – figuring Doug was just doing a favour for Pacey. He thought about what he had been told, trying to recall that morning with Doug, finding it hard to pull memories from the fog in his brain. “No,” he said again. It did not make sense.

“You’ve been together for six months,” Jen added.

“No,” Jack said angrily, wondering what was going on. Not sure if it was worse for them to be lying to him or for them to be telling the truth and him just having no memory.

“It’s okay,” Andie said softly, taking hold of his hand. “Try and relax.”

“You were with Doug the morning of the crash,” Jen continued, feeling as though Jack needed to know – hoping that maybe it would jog his memory. “He loves you, Jack,” she said cautiously. “And you love him.”

Jack squeezed his eyes closed, a few tears slipping out from between his lashes. His chest began to rise and fall more rapidly, panic gripping him.

Andie glanced up at his monitor, now beeping more loudly than before. “Jack, you need to calm down,” she said softly, watching as his heart rate continued to rise. “Please, Jack.”

“Take a few deep breaths,” Jen encouraged, watching as he feel deeper into a panic.

All of a sudden a nurse appeared in the doorway. “Is everything okay?” she asked, noticing Andie there, trying to calm her brother.

“We were talking and he got upset,” Jen explained without going into detail. 

“Jack, it’s okay, take some deep breaths,” Andie continued. 

The nurse stood back, not wanting to interfere unless necessary, but as he continued to struggle to breathe, his chest rising and falling rapidly, she knew she could not stand back any longer. “Okay, you both need to step outside now,” she said, moving to Jack’s said, trying to encourage him to do what Andie had not managed. “I’ll come and get you later.”

Both Jen and Andie reluctantly stood, “We’ll just be down the hall,” Andie said – unsure if she was talking to Jack or the nurse, watching as Jack continued to grow more pale as they left the room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
“This place is incredible,” Jack said softly, wrapping his arms more tightly around Doug’s body that was resting against his chest, sat in the V of his parted legs. Sat on a blanket in the glow of the fire that Doug had built, the stars shining above them._

_“Better than some hotel?” Doug asked, leaning back into Jack a little more, feeling Jack’s chin rest on his shoulder, leaving a kiss on his cheek._

_“Definitely,” Jack smiled, impressed by how much thought and effort had gone into the trip. It was clear that Doug had meticulously planned everything._

_Following dinner, Doug had lit a fire, laid out a blanket, filled a couple of glasses with wine, and just when Jack thought it could not get any more perfect, Doug pulled out a bag of marshmallows to toast by the fire._

_“Maybe you should take this as a lesson learnt when I comes to doubting me.”_

_“Is that your way of saying ‘I told you so’?”_

_“No,” Doug shook his head. “I think that would ruin the moment a little bit.”_

_“Yes, it would,” Jack smiled, nuzzling his face gently into Doug’s neck, kissing him lightly._

_“I definitely wouldn’t want to ruin this moment,” Doug said softly, hands running over Jack’s thighs either side of him._

_“I think we should stay here forever.”_

_“What about work?” Doug asked._

_“We can pack it in.”_

_“And live off the land?”_

_Jack thought for a moment. “Okay, I’ll pack it in and you can transfer to the dearest town.”_

_“You’re happy to be a kept man?”_

_“I think I could live with it,” Jack smiled. “We could get those dogs you talked about.”_

_“That’s a nice idea,” Doug said, leaning his head back until his mouth found Jack’s, kissing him slowly, his arm rising up so his hand could rest of Jack’s cheek. “You know, I realised the other day that we don’t have any photos of the two of us together.”_

_“I thought that was deliberate,” Jack smiled, while being completely serious._

_“It would be nice to have something so in the future we can look back and remember these moments.”_

_“Isn’t that what memories are for?” Jack replied. “Photos won’t be able to remind you of the smell of the fire, or how you taste like marshmallow, or how bright the stars are.”_

_Doug smiled, enjoying hearing the things that Jack picked up on. “Do you trust your memories to last a lifetime?”_

_“I do,” Jack said softly. “And if they ever fail me I hope you’ll be there to remind me.”_

_“I promise,” Doug smiled, kissing Jack again. “You feel cold. Do you want to head back inside?”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head. “I’m fine. You’re just going to need to do a better job of keeping me warm.”_

_“I’m sure I can figure something out,” Doug smiled, moving out from between Jack’s legs, grabbing another blanket, lying down; encouraging Jack to do the same before spreading the blanket out over the top of them. Snuggling down underneath it, pulling Jack close, he rubbed his hands up and down his arms in an attempt to warm him._

_“Do you know anything about stars?” Jack asked, looking up at the clear sky._

_“I know they’re far away,” Doug smiled._

_“Well, that’s not wrong,” Jack laughed. “In fact every star that you can see without using a telescope is bigger and brighter than the sun – just a lot further away. Imagine how far away something bigger than the sun has to be to just look like pin prick to us. And there are thousands more that we simply can’t see. Some of the stars you can see are over a quadrillion miles away which means, if a star from that far away burns out, based on the speed of light it would take hundreds of years before it disappears from our sky. We could live a whole lifetime in the light of something that has never even existed in our world.”_

_Doug looked at Jack, a slight smile on his face. “How do you know that?”_

_“I’m not just your run of the mill English teacher,” Jack smiled._

_“You definitely are not,” Doug replied, kissing him. “It’s an interesting idea though. The existence of something is in the eye of the beholder.”_

_“Exactly,” Jack smiled, still looking up at the stars, lying on his back, Doug next to him, propped up on his elbow. “There could be a scientist someone saying that any one of these stars has burnt out, but you see it, and I see it, so its effects live on and could continue to do so long after both of us are gone. The demise of something doesn’t always mean the end.”_

_“My mom used to tell us that stars were fireflies that had flown too high,” Doug smiled, remembering her stories. “Whenever Gretchen and Pacey would see a firefly by the creek they would watch it intently, hoping to see it fly high and become a new star.”_

_“I like that,” Jack smiled, reminding himself to file that story away for next time he wanted to tease Pacey._

_“You know, you never cease to amaze me,” Doug said softly, running his hand over Jack’s cheek. “I’d love to know how your brain works.”_

_“You really wouldn’t,” Jack laughed. “Your neat-freak, OCD tendencies would not be able to cope with the mess.”_

_“I don’t think it’s a mess. I think it’s fascinating.”_

_“You sound like a shrink. Which I guess it’s pretty fitting as many shrinks have made their fortune from the oddities of the McPhee brain.”_

_“Why do you do that?” Doug asked softly. “I’m telling you how incredible you are and you always twist it around into a self-deprecating joke.”_

_“I don’t know,” Jack said apologetically. “I guess I’m just not used to it.”_

_“I can’t be the first person to tell you how amazing you are?”_

_“No,” Jack shrugged, “But you may be the first person to actually mean it.”_

_“Or just the first one you’ve believed,” Doug added._

_“Either way, it’s new and unchartered territory.”_

_Doug smiled, kissing Jack’s forehead. “I guess I’ll have to keep doing it until you’re used to it then.”_

_“You know, when you promised to warm me up, I honestly thought you meant sex, not paying me compliments,” Jack joked._

_“Really?” Doug laughed. “May I remind you that you were the one to start talking about stars.”_

_“Stars a romantic,” Jack smirked. “It was a line.”_

_“That was your seduction tactic?” Doug asked, kissing Jack, shifting to be pressed right up against him._

_“It was,” Jack smiled, “but then you started talking about your brother.”_

_“I can see how that would be a turn off.”_

_“Let’s not make the same mistake again,” Jack smiled._

_“Promise,” Doug said between kisses._

_“Did you know that even though stars appear to twinkle, it’s actually just the light from the star passing through the Earth’s atmosphere,” Jack smiled._

_“Fascinating,” Doug smiled back, not missing his opportunity this time, kissing Jack more intently. “Are you sure you don’t want to go back inside?”_

_“Not unless you have a problem with the stars watching,” Jack smiled._

_“None at all.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug needed to get out of the hospital. He needed to take a few deep breaths and feel as though he was breathing in something other than stale recycled hospital air. He needed something new filling his lungs, hoping it would give him the clarity that he needed. Hoping it would start some of the healing that he needed. His morning with Jack had been playing on his mind from the moment he had left Jack’s room. Initially he was able to push the feelings down, deciding to answer some important work emails and make a call to the station to check in. That had been enough for an hour or so. When the look in Jack’s eyes started filling his mind once again, he decided to stretch his legs and go and get a coffee. That distraction barely worked at all.

He was aware of whispers. Conversations taking place in pockets, smiles that seemed a little more forced than the day before, making him wonder if maybe everyone else was wondering the same thing as him – the thing that he did not want to believe. He sat down on one of the benches outside the hospital and drew in a few more breaths, trying to figure out what the best thing to do was. He was torn – realising that what he wanted to do and the right thing to do may not be the same thing. 

The look Jack had given him that morning was unlike any look he had given him before. Even during rocky moments, when things were tough or they were arguing, Doug was still able to see a spark – even if burning faintly in the background. It was what kept him going; the thing that told him to persist. It was how he knew that Jack loved him. That morning, when Jack had looked at him, all Doug could see was confusion and fear, as though they were not on the same page – maybe not even reading from the same book. While outwardly he looked like the Jack he knew well, he felt like he was talking to a stranger.

Doug had been listening to the doctors for days, taking encouragement from their words, the way they seemed really happy with Jack’s progress, even talking about moving him to another section of the hospital, confident that he was unlikely to take a sudden turn for the worst. Everything that they were saying was encouraging, and still Doug felt uneasy, as though the worst was still to come. It was difficult to believe that this was not karma for all the time he had denied what Jack meant to him – the universe’s way of taking from Doug all that he had taken for granted, now with the addition torture of being able to see and touch and talk to Jack but with none of it feeling the same.

Deciding it was time to face up to his fears, he headed back into the hospital, feeling immediately stifled by the heat – immediately feeling as though he could not breathe, feeling his heart pounding. He stepped into the waiting elevator and pressed the button for his required floor, watching as the doors closed in front of him, preventing him for changing his mind and retreating. He had one simple question that he needed the answer to before he could make a decision about his next move. The words were still whirling around his head as the doors reopened and he stepped out, feeling that Jack was close. 

As he approached Jack’s door, his heart skipped a beat, hearing the sound of his laughter – something he had not heard since before the accident. It was enough to make him wonder if he was doing the right thing – if maybe he was being paranoid. He paused, standing next to the doorway, unseen, listening to what was going on inside.

“Who’s this?” Jen asked, holding up a picture on her phone.

Jack looked at it, smiling slightly before taking a deep breath, realising it was easier to get his words out on an exhale. “Gr,” he managed, quickly taking another deep breath, “ams.”

“Well done,” Jen grinned excitedly. “You’re doing so well. Try this one,” she said, holding up another picture.

Jack looked at the picture and laughed slightly, loving how easy and comfortable it was to laugh compared to talking. He took a large breath in before managing, “Cute.”

Jen could not help but laugh. “Well, you’re not wrong,” she said, looking down at the picture of Jack that she was holding up. “Clearly your ego has come out of this accident unscathed.”

He simply smiled, leaning back into his pillow, beginning to look a little tired.

Jen looked at him carefully, wondering if she should attempt the next picture. She had not mention the conversation that had taken place that morning, not wanting to upset Jack again, but she knew it could not be avoided forever. 

“Last one,” she said, holding up a picture of Doug, waiting to see if Jack could manage his name. 

Jack looked at the picture before looking at Jen disapprovingly. “No.”

“Jack, come on,” Jen encouraged. 

“No,” he repeated.

“You’re just being stubborn,” Jen said, just wishing he would try. “It’s just a name.”

Jack rolled his eyes, sighing loudly, before attempting it. “D,” he forced out, finding it hard. “D,” he repeated, getting quickly frustrated. “No.”

“Jack, you can do it. Just try.”

He groaned, attempting to try again, pulling a large breath in. “D,” he managed again, still unable to get any further. “Sh-er-iff,” he forced out instead.

Doug listened on from outside the door, his heart breaking a little as he listened to the sound of Jack’s voice. A voice that he had missed so badly, but now was like a knife to the heart.

Jen looked at Jack questioningly. “So you remember that he’s sheriff now?” Wondering at what point his mind had flipped the switch on Doug.

Jack looked at her blankly and simply shrugged. “No,” he exhaled, not wanting to be tested anymore.

“Okay,” Jen nodded. “I hear you.” She reached out and squeezed his hand. “You’re doing really well. I know you’re going to get there.”

Unable to hold back any longer, Doug stepped forward into the doorway, knocking lightly on the door. “I hope I’m not interrupting.”

“Of course not,” Jen smiled, turning to face him. “I was actually about to head home. Pacey should be here any minute.”

Doug looked at Jack, noticing the same blank expression from this morning. “I’m happy to stay for a bit if you want to get going.”

Jen felt Jack cling onto her hand a little more tightly and she knew what he was trying to keep her there but she also knew Doug needed some time alone if there was ever any hope of Jack remembering the missing pieces. “Great,” she smiled, pulling her hand away from Jack, giving him an apologetic look. “I need to get back to Amy.”

“No problem,” Doug nodded, looking about as uncomfortable as Jack did.

“See you tomorrow,” Jen said softly, leaning down and kissing him softly on the forehead. “Get some rest.” Grabbing her things together she headed over to Doug, giving him a quick hug before leaving.

Doug remained standing in the doorway, unsure what to do, not wanting to make Jack uncomfortable, but fearing more than ever that his feelings were correct. He looked at Jack, surprised to see him give him a warm smile. 

Doug watched as Jack took in a deep breath, his chest jerking slightly. “Hi.”

Doug smiled; unable to feel anything but joy upon hearing his voice directed at him. “How are you feeling?”

Jack simply nodded, not quite having the words to answer the question.

Doug moved a little further into the room and sat down in the chair next to Jack’s bed. “It sounded like you and Jen were having fun.”

Jack continued to smile until he realised that Doug must have heard at least some of their conversation, his face turning a little more serious.

“It’s okay,” Doug sighed, forcing a smile. “I had already figured it out.”

“D,” Jack said, now regretting that he had not pushed himself to being able to say Doug’s name.

“I should have realised when you nearly jumped out of your skin when I touched you this morning.”

Jack shook his head, feeling incredibly frustrated that he could not find the words to voice what he was thinking. He may not have been able to find any memories of him and Doug together but that did not mean he did not care. He certainly did not want to see him hurting.

“I’m not going to drag this out,” Doug said, looking down at his hands. “I just need to know. Do you remember anything about us?”

Jack looked at the other man, his jaw clenched, staring into Doug’s eyes, concentrating as hard as possible, trying to find something to cling onto. He could picture Doug in uniform, back when Jack was in school – younger than the man sat in front of him now. There was something in the back of his head – not an image or developed memory; more of an idea, like waking up from a dream and knowing someone was a part of it but no idea how or where. He wondered what memories were locked away in his brain and if they could ever be found again. He felt a tear on his cheek, trying desperately to find something other than disappointment.

“No,” he said softly.

Doug hung his head, swallowing hard, not wanting Jack to see how utterly broken that made him.

“D,” Jack said again, trying to get his attention, trying to get him to look at him again, feeling awful.

Doug finally looked up, the pain clearly etched on his face, causing more tears to fall from Jack’s eyes. “It’s not your fault,” Doug said quietly – his voice shaking slightly as he tried to hold it together. He stood up from the chair. “I should go.”

“No,” Jack said quickly, not wanting him to leave with things the way they were.

“It’s for the best,” Doug nodded.

“No,” Jack repeated, hating that he could not get up and stop him. 

Doug had made it almost to the door before he stopped, turning back to Jack, tears now visible on his own face. “I just want you to know, that even though you don’t remember – it was real. It is real,” he corrected, refusing to make it part of the past. “I think the best thing for me to do is give you some space. Maybe you’ll remember. I really hope you do.”

Jack quickly took a breath, knowing he would need to get his words out quickly if he had any chance of being heard. “Come,” he said, “back.”

Doug smiled slightly, dipping his head a little, knowing Jack was asking if he would come back again rather than asking him to stay now. He looked at Jack, his eyes red, smiling softly. “I’ve fought for you once. I’m willing to do it again.”

Jack had no idea what he meant by that, but really wished he did. He watched as Doug turned and walked through the door. “D,” he called, not sure what he was going to do if Doug turned around, knowing he had no other words. 

Doug glanced over his shoulder, taking one last look at Jack. “I know,” Doug said nodding. “It’s okay.” Turning away he quickly made his way down the hallway, not looking back again. 

He opened the door to their waiting room, grateful that no one was inside as he closed the door, falling back against it heavily, sinking to the ground, unable to hold it in anymore. His heart pounded in his chest, desperately trying to draw in breath. He could not believe this was happening. After everything he had done to get Jack and to keep him – after how close they had all come to losing him, this was like a bad joke. His fists curled, slamming down against the ground beneath him, his frustration spilling out – tears streaming down his cheeks. He could feel his whole body shake, wondering how he was ever going to be able to go on without Jack. His memories being the only thing that had kept him going all week – memories that no one else held, leaving him questioning their validity and worth.

He could feel a rage bubbling up inside of him. Hardly able to contain it anymore. He felt as though he was going to be sick. He needed to get out of the hospital. He needed to put as much space between himself and Jack – unsure if he cope with being so close with Jack being so distant. He pulled himself up from the floor; his chest still rising and falling at pace, unable to think straight. His fist, once again curled, struck the wall next to him repeatedly until the pain of his hand came close to the pain of his heart. He wanted to curl up in a ball and cease to exist. There was nothing left to live for anymore.

***

Jack fell back into his pillow, tears still on his face. From down the hallway he heard an intense cry – the sound bouncing off the walls. The pain and frustration filling the room. He knew the sound as though it had some from deep within himself rather than someone else. He slammed his head repeatedly into the pillow beneath him, ignoring the pain, wondering how it was possible to have no memory of his relationship with Doug yet still feel heartbroken at the same time.

**To Be Continued…**


	8. Truth Hurts

He had been stood there so long that he could barely see anything through the steam. That was how he wanted it. How he needed it. He did not want to see anything. He did not want to feel anything. He just wanted to be lost in the pounding of water – hot against his skin. He wanted the heat to wash away the pain that he felt radiating from him. He wanted it to burn away the memory of Jack’s hands on him. He wanted to forget that he ever knew how good it felt to have Jack’s mouth pressed against him. Looking down at his skin all he could see was the tracks of Jack’s fingerprints – so deep that they reached his heart.

He wanted to scrub every inch of his skin – remove every trace of Jack. Wishing he could cleanse his mind of Jack in the same way Jack’s mind had of him. To rid himself of all the precious memories that had kept him going since the accident – now taunting his every waking moment, infiltrating his dreams, trying to fill his heart with the hope that Doug knew would ultimately cause his demise. To remove the memories of love that should be held by two hearts and minds – not just one. Memories that as they began to fade over time could never be confirmed by anyone else, never clarified, reborn – bought back to life.

The tears on his face mixed with the water, cascading down him with the weight of his sorrow. His body was tired. It ached. Numerous nights sleeping in hospital chairs, last night curled up tight on top the sheets – unable to relax and switch off. The knuckles of his right hand still red and swollen, his lungs bruised, throat sore from the rage that poured from him. He felt broken. Jack’s words; the look in his eyes – that’s what Doug imagined hitting rock bottom felt like. And he hit it hard.

Washing away the man he felt himself almost become, he reminded himself of the man he needed to be if he had any hope of surviving. He knew what he needed to do and there was only one way to do it. He needed to return to the one place that Jack was never able to breach. The one place he had trained himself to completely switch off his heart. Doug’s time to feel was over. He was handing over the reins to Sheriff Witter.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Doug, where are you?” Pacey asked, stepping outside the front of the hospital, pressing the phone closer to his ear to counter the noise. “Andie said you didn’t come back last night.”

“I’m at home,” Doug replied simply.

“Did you not think to tell anyone that you were leaving? What time are you planning to coming back?”

“I’m not. I am going to work today.”

“Since when?” Pacey asked, exasperated.

“Life has to go back to normal eventually.”

“You know what, Doug, I’m not buying it,” Pacey said, beginning to feel angry. “Nothing is normal right now – least of all the way you’re behaving.”

“Including the fact Jack has no memory of our relationship.”

“What?” Pacey said softly, “Since when?” He sat down on the nearby bench, wondering what had happened to cause Doug to believe that.

“Since his head got bounced around in the accident so much that all memories of me being anything other than your brother were erased,” Doug replied, the hurt audible in his voice. 

“How can you possibly know that? He’s barely talking,” Pacey asked, thinking back to his evening with Jack the day before, noticing that he seemed down, but not questioning it given everything he had been through.

“He was able to say enough to confirm my suspicions. I’m surprised no one told you. It seems as though Jen and Andie already figured it out.”

“Don’t turn this into sides,” Pacey begged, understanding that Doug was incredibly hurt. “It’s still early days. Who knows what else he doesn’t remember? Come back today and you may find he’s already remembering.”

“I think it’s best if I just stay away for a while. Keep my distance.”

Pacey sighed, wondering if maybe Doug was right. “That may be so. But do it because it’s what you feel is right for Jack, not because you’re hurt and trying to avoid everyone. This isn’t his fault.”

“I know,” Doug said softly.

“But I know that doesn’t make it feel any better,” Pacey said softly. “How are you doing?”

“I’ve been better,” Doug sighed. “Though I’m not sure I’ve been much worse.”

“I know it’s easy to say, but just give it time. He’s bound to remember eventually, right?” Pacey asked, hoping he was right.

Doug tried to resist asking the question. Tried desperately – knowing it was letting more of his heart back in, but he could not stop himself. “What if he doesn’t?” 

“He will,” Pacey said adamantly. “As someone who has tried to deny all association with you on multiple occasions, I assure you it’s not easy to do.”

“Thanks,” Doug smiled slightly, even though he felt nothing like it. “But what if he doesn’t?”

Pacey sighed slightly, knowing he could not keep promising something he had no clue about. “Then you work your magic and make him fall in love with you all over again.”

“That simple, huh?” Doug asked, suddenly realising that he had not even consider that as an option. Quickly trying to push it from his mind – not wanting to give hope a chance to regain control.

“You did it once. You can do it again.”

“Maybe,” Doug shrugged, unconvinced. “I should go. I need to get to work.”

“Okay,” Pacey nodded. “Call me if you need anything, yeah?”

“I will,” Doug replied, about to hung up. “Could you keep me updated with how things are going that end?” He hung his head, hating that he had asked – the chink in his armour growing.

“Of course.”

“Thanks, Pacey,” Doug said softly, this time hanging up.

Pacey stared down at his phone, shaking his head slightly, cursing under his breath. Just as he thought things were looking up this happened. Standing up from the bench he headed back into the hospital, hoping Andie was still there – they needed to talk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug took a deep breath before walking into work, catching a glimpse of himself in uniform in the reflection of the window – realising it was the first time he had worn it since Jack’s accident. He wondered if that was how it was going to be from now on – everything measured by that day, falling into one of two categories: pre-accident and post-accident. Categories that could easy be renamed pre and post heartbreak. He could hear Deputy Munroe finishing up the morning meeting – the one that he would usually head up, realising that he was about to walk straight into a room full of people, wondering if that was the best way to do it – like ripping off a band aid; wincing as even that analogy made him think of Jack.

“Good morning,” he said confidently, regaining his usual sheriff composure. He needed to be more than the crumbled mess on the floor that he had spent the night before being. He needed to push down those emotions and hide them away like he had his love for Jack for all those months – wondering if that was part of what made him so forgettable.

“Sheriff,” Deputy Munroe nodded in his direction. “It’s great to have you back.” His eyes remained on Doug for a moment, not looking at the faces of his colleagues, not wanting to see which of them were pleased to see him, and which were not. It was easier to not know.

“It’s good to be back. I apologise for my extended absence.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” Carl, the youngest deputy in the precinct said adamantly.

Doug nodded slightly in his direction, grateful for his sentiment but preferring not to engage with it. Munroe could tell.

“We were just finishing up our morning meeting. Is there anything you would like to add before we get things going?”

Doug shook his head. “No, I’m sure you have covered everything. I will be in my office today if anyone needs me. I have some important budget reports to finalise so would appreciate as few interruptions as possible – I wouldn’t want to make a mistake that results in someone not getting paid,” he smiled, attempting a joke, relieved when it was taken as such. “Keep up the good work,” he said, cringing internally at how much he sounded like his father, as he walked towards his office, noticing how his hand shook as he gripped the door handle.

Quickly closing the door behind him he fought to take a couple of deep breaths. “Pull yourself together,” he said to himself, once again sounding like the more senior Witter. Putting his things down on his desk, he sat down, trying to remember what he needed to do and how he was supposed to do it – his mind seemingly wiped of all non-Jack related things, laughing bitterly at the irony given Jack’s mental state. 

The knock at the door did not come as a great surprise, neither did the fact that Deputy Munroe let himself in without waiting for a response. 

“I wasn’t expecting to see you this morning,” he said softly, sitting down in the chair opposite Doug.

“I figured it was time,” Doug shrugged.

“We have everything under control, if that’s what you’re worried about?”

“No, I wasn’t worried,” Doug said sincerely, knowing that he was managing enough paperwork behind the scenes from the hospital to cover any gaps Munroe was not qualified to cover. “I appreciate everything you’ve been doing. I will sign off your overtime later.”

“I’m not claiming overtime,” Munroe said simply. “I’m just trying to help out a friend.”

Doug did not know what to say, eyes dipping, fixed on his desk. He could not think of a time he needed a friend more than he did in that moment – someone that was not intrinsically linked to Jack. “Thank you.”

“Sarah was talking about driving out to the hospital this evening to drop you off some proper food and see how you were doing. The thought of you living off of canteen food for days at a time was giving her hives,” Munroe joked.

“Tell her that’s very kind but there’s no need,” Doug forced a smile.

“Are you sure you should be here?” Munroe asked, deciding there was no point skirting around the issue. 

“Yes,” Doug said adamantly, before softening slightly, remembering that Munroe had more than proven himself as a friend. “I have nowhere else to be.”

“Why aren’t you at the hospital?”

Doug took a deep breath, feeling the collar of his uniform tighten about his throat as though it was trying to silence him. Sat at his desk, in his uniform, files piled up in front of him, he was not Doug; he was the sheriff and he needed to be than man Capeside needed him to be – not the man that Jack could not remember. “Because there is work to do here.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit,” Munroe said sternly. 

“Excuse me,” Doug said authoritatively. “Don’t forget who you’re talking to.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” Munroe replied. “Have you?”

“You’re walking a thin line.”

“Doug, please,” Munroe said softly. “Please don’t go back to the man you were before this.”

Doug looked at him blankly, not sure what he meant, believing he had always done a good job of balancing everything.

“You don’t have to hide who you are in order to do your job. You are exceptional at your job – you don’t have to bottle up everything else for that to be the case. You’re allowed to be human; it’s not a crime. Trust me, I would know,” he tried to joke, receiving a slight head shake from his sheriff. “Your team out there have complete faith in your ability to lead and the utmost respect for you both professionally and personally. That has not changed over the last ten days nor is it going to. And personally, I have even more respect for you than I did before. Hearing you talk about Jack that day at the hospital, seeing what he means to you, it made me realise you’re not just that hard-faced workaholic that everyone thought you were.”

“I’m just trying to keep boundaries.”

“No, you’re trying to compartmentalise everything and it won’t work.”

“How is that any different?” Doug asked.

“Keeping boundaries is refraining from telling everyone the intricacies of your sex life,” Munroe laughed, noticing the immediate reddening of Doug’s cheeks. “Compartmentalising it trying to pretend that while you’re at work that Jack does not exist.”

Doug sighed heavily knowing that Munroe was right and it was exactly what he had spent six months doing.

“And while I will gladly respect your personal boundaries, and wish some of the deputies were able to show as much restraint, I will not sit here, as your friend, and allow you to continue to compartmentalise your life anymore. All it is doing is causing harm. If people have a problem with who you are and who you are dating, then we will deal with that. I have your back. But I’m not letting you regress now that you’ve come so far.”

“Jack doesn’t remember me,” Doug said simply, unable to hold the words in any longer.

Munroe looked at him shocked, not quite sure what to say. “Nothing at all?”

“Nothing that matters.”

“Shit, Doug, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s nothing you can say,” Doug said sadly. “It’s not going to change anything.”

“Is that why you’re not at the hospital?”

“I figured I should give him some space.”

“Are you sure that’s the right move?”

“I don’t know. But I need a bit of space too,” Doug confessed.

“Okay,” Munroe nodded.

“And if I’m not here, I may not make it through the day.”

Munroe nodded, understanding. “Just take it easy, okay?”

“I will,” Doug nodded.

“Okay,” Munroe said standing up. “I’m going to go and get you a large cup of coffee, a couple of donuts and then I’m going to tell Sarah to reroute your care package to the station rather than the hospital.”

Doug laughed a little. “Is she just after more gossip?”

“Always,” Munroe rolled his eyes, opening the door. “The last lot only satisfied her for a day or two. But I’ll tell her to go easy on you.”

“Thanks,” he smiled, watching as Munroe disappeared, looking down at the stack of files on his desk, appreciative of the large pile – just needing to keep busy.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_  
Jack was not sure what time it was but it was still dark. Unsure what had caused him to wake suddenly, he rolled over hoping to drift back off, realising quickly that it was not going to happen. He tried to lie still as possible and not toss and turn for fear of waking Doug asleep next to him but it was becoming increasingly difficult. He was beginning to regret giving into Doug’s pleas for him to spend the night, thinking that if he were in his own home he would get up and potter around the house for a bit until he felt tired enough to sleep again._

_He sighed, deciding to get up anyway, hoping at least Doug would not be disturbed. Pushing the sheets back slightly, he sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed._

_“Where are you going?” Doug asked, his voice thick with sleep._

_“Go back to sleep,” Jack whispered softly._

_“Don’t go,” Doug said, rolling over and reaching an arm out towards Jack._

_“I can’t sleep.”_

_“Come here,” Doug persisted, his hand finding Jack’s arm, pulling him back._

_“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Jack said softly, lying back down, Doug’s arms pulling him close._

_“I’m not awake,” Doug smiled, eyes still closed._

_“You sound awake.”_

_“No. I’m still asleep. So are you. This is a dream.”_

_Jack smiled, shaking his head. “This is a very dull dream.”_

_“Make it more interesting then,” Doug smiled, kissing Jack._

_“What kind of dreams have you been having lying next to me?”_

_“Very vivid ones,” Doug smiled, his voice still sounding sleepy._

_“You’re tired,” Jack said simply. “Go back to sleep.”_

_“Okay,” Doug said quietly, kissing Jack once more before turning back over, back facing Jack, reaching out behind him for Jack’s arm, pulling him close so that Jack was spooned behind him._

_Jack laughed softly. “I need to get up for a bit. I think I need to burn off some energy.”_

_“So burn off some energy,” Doug said, pushing back against Jack._

_Jack closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of Doug’s body against his own, wrapping his arms around the other man a little more tightly, unable to fight the urge to push up against Doug a little more, moaning slightly as his body began to wake up even more than before. “It’s late,” Jack mumbled, his mouth tracing over Doug’s shoulder, finding his neck._

_“You know you’ll sleep better after,” Doug smiled, reaching behind him, his hand resting on Jack’s hip, holding him securely as he pushed back against him once more, enjoying the sound that escaped from Jack’s mouth. Doug’s hand slipped between their bodies, taking hold of Jack, moving rhythmically until he knew Jack would no longer be able to hold back._

_Jack’s mouth continued to work over Doug’s shoulder and neck, moving higher to his ear. “Don’t move,” he moaned, pulling back enough to remove his own underwear and grab something from the nightstand before returning to tug Doug’s underwear down just enough. Returning to his original position pressed behind the other man, his mouth immediately went back to Doug’s neck, lifting up enough to reach his check and jawline, spilling kisses as he continued to rock against him._

_Doug turned just enough to be able to kiss Jack fully, leaning back against him, feeling Jack’s hand travel his side. The sound of a bottle cap opening prepared Doug for what was to come, ready and waiting for Jack’s fingers feeling their way into him, first slow and gentle before pushing a little harder and a little deeper causing him to push back in response. Jack continued with his manipulation; realising in a wave of lust how deeply he wanted this – burying his face into Doug’s neck, breathing in the scent of the man he loved as his fingers continued to move._

_Pulling out of the other man, Jack quickly repositioned himself, pulling Doug’s hips back a little, his hand helping to find the right angle, gently and slowly pushing deeper into Doug, immediately feeling him arch back against him – his back pushed flat against his chest as he lowered himself back to be spooning the other man. He stayed that way for a moment – not moving, just simply holding Doug tightly, kissing his shoulder softly. Reaching around, his hand found Doug’s hardened length, fingers wrapping round him – his hand beginning to move at the same time as his hips. He took a deep breath, pressing himself as firmly against Doug’s back as he could, increasing his speed a little, enjoying the sounds of pleasure filling the room._

_Feeling a need for more, Jack raised his leg, looping it over the top of Doug’s, using it to steady himself while trusting a little harder and deeper than he could before. He felt Doug’s arm reach round, running up and down his side in encouragement, head pushed back against Jack’s shoulder._

_“Still think you’re asleep?” Jack asked, his voice raspy and thick with desire._

_Doug moaned a little before any words could find their way out. “I’ve definitely had dreams like this.”_

_Jack smiled against Doug’s skin, leaning forward a little further to find his mouth, continuing to move, enjoying the feel of Doug pushing back._

_“Except this is better,” Doug moaned – Jack’s hand increasing its pace over him. “Much better.”_

_Jack continued to move, breathing heavily, riding each wave of ecstasy that coursed through his body, wondering if Doug had any idea how incredible he made him feel – as though every movement, every touch, every breathy plea for more, was like nothing he had ever felt before with anyone. Just the simple act of looking at Doug, their eyes meeting, their hands touching, doing nothing more than breathing in the other man, convinced Jack that any thoughts of love he had had with previous partners was just an illusion and this was the real thing. He had no doubt. It was a feeling etched so deep within him that he would never recover from the spell it cast over him – deeper than a memory, as though Doug was now a part of his DNA._

_“Don’t stop,” Doug begged, happy to live the rest of his life in the moment – Jack’s body so close, the rhythm between them so completely right that he did not imagine ever feeling anything better. Jack’s heart beating against his back, his strained breath against his skin, his hand working him so expertly, as though whatever he was feeling Jack was feeling too, intrinsically knowing exactly how to cause optimal pleasure. He felt Jack’s teeth graze over his shoulder, knowing he was fighting the urge to bite down a little harder, his body reaching the peak of what it could endure._

_Jack’s thumb working other Doug’s tip as his hand continued to stroke and tease him, bringing him closer and closer to the heady heights of climax, taking great pleasure in the moans that were being teased from the other man with each manipulation. Doug arched back, pushing further into Jack’s body, once against feeling Jack’s teeth fight the urge to do more than nip and tantalise. Jack kissed his way up Doug’s neck and along his jaw, fighting to find his mouth as he thrust hard for the final time, erupting deep within the other man, knowing that it would only take another stroke or two for Doug to join him as he continued to kiss him without mercy._

_Doug collapsed back into Jack as he finally succumbed to the pleasure, enjoying the feel of Jack’s arm raising and wrapping around his middle, keeping him close, feeling their laboured breathing sync with the other’s as he fought to draw in air._

_“Hopefully you won’t have any trouble sleeping now,” Doug smiled._

_“We are asleep,” Jack replied softly, kissing the other man. “This is all a dream.”  
_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I don’t understand,” Pacey said, his head in his hands. “How can he remember everything else but not Doug?”

Both Andie and Jen sat quietly, both of them wishing they knew the answer to his question. It was not clear if there were any other holes in Jack’s memory but they hoped it was just a matter of time before his memories came back.

“I don’t know,” Andie shook her head. 

“The doctor did say that he it would take time to fully emerge from the coma,” Jen added.

“No,” Andie sighed. “This is not the coma anymore. He’s fully conscious, he’s completely aware of what’s going on around him.”

“But his speech?” Pacey asked.

“I spoke to his doctors about that this morning. They don’t believe it’s related to the coma. They think that he has a form of Aphasia from his head injury. He understands us but just can’t get his words out. They have recommended that we keep Jack talking as much as possible to give him the best chance of a full recovery,” Andie assured. “Everything now is a direct result of the accident. It’s still going to be a long road and there may still be things we discover along the way but if the doctors were still concerned about anything else they wouldn’t be moving him later today.”

“So that’s it?” Pacey asked. “He may never remember?”

“I don’t know, Pacey,” Andie replied, wishing she had something more comforting to say. 

“Is there a way we can try and remind him?” Pacey asked, feeling sick to his stomach for Doug.

“He doesn’t want to talk about Doug,” Andie said simply. “In fact he hasn’t really wanted to talk much at all since yesterday.”

“I’m worried that this may push him over the edge. He’s been so positive but I think this is going to set him back,” Jen said worried.

Andie nodded in agreement, hearing her own fear coming from Jen’s mouth. They both glanced over at Pacey, knowing he had more to worry about that just Jack.

“I’m sorry, Pacey, I know this is particularly tough on you. How’s Doug doing?” Jen asked.

“Not good. He’s gone to work to try and take his mind off of everything. I don’t think we’ll be seeing him today.”

“I can’t imagine how he’s feeling,” Andie said softly. “Jack knows he’s hurting.”

“It’s not his fault,” Pacey said simply, trying to remind himself that both men had been robbed of something priceless, unsure if it was better or worse to be left with the memories of what had been. “This whole thing sucks. Just when I think something is about to suck a little less I get proven wrong and it sucks a whole load more.”

“I don’t think I could have said it better myself,” Andie nodded.

“I think you could have been a little more eloquent,” Jen smiled. 

“I assumed that went without saying.”

“Hey,” Pacey protested. “Jack would not approve of the two of you ganging up on me.”

“Jack – the English teacher, would not approve of us critiquing your linguistic skills?” Andie asked.

“Fine,” Pacey rolled his eyes. “You may have a point.”

“Andie and I were talking before,” Jen said, looking at Pacey. “We thought maybe you could spend a little time with Jack this afternoon. Cheer him up a little?”

“I get it,” Pacey smiled. “Send in the clown.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pacey sat on the end of Jack’s bed next to his feet, flicking through the photos that Jen had been using to encourage Jack to talk and test him memory. “Bet you never imagined you’d be set homework again,” he smiled, glancing up at Jack, receiving a slight smile and a nod. “I’m getting flashbacks to all of Andie’s flashcards in high school.”

“Yes,” Jack nodded.

“Would you like me to accidently lose these somewhere?” Pacey smiled.

“Yes,” Jack said more enthusiastically.

“Consider it done. In return do you think you could ask Jen and Andie to be less mean to me?”

Jack shook his head. “Won’t work,” he forced out.

Pacey smiled, impressed by Jack’s efforts, deciding not to make a big thing of it, knowing that Jack was not a fan of the constant fuss.

“So Jen has been telling me that you have a few blanks in your memory?”

Jack shrugged, wondering if he was the best person to answer that question, unsure how he could know if there was something he could not remember. 

“I have plenty of things I’d like to forget but I’m not sure I want to go to the extreme lengths you did.”

Jack laughed slightly, enjoying Pacey’s lighthearted humour.

“Do you remember your job?” Pacey asked.

Jack nodded, opening his mouth to say something but not quite being able to find the word, quickly changing his mind. “School.”

“Can’t do ‘teacher’ yet?” Pacey smiled. “That could be a bit of a problem. You can do my name though, right?”

Jack pulled a slight face, having not quite managed Pacey’s name yet. “Stupid name,” he smiled.

“You’re not wrong,” Pacey laughed. “But I’m still slightly offended. You need to get your priorities in order.”

“Sorry,” Jack smiled.

“Has your brain retained all the crap you have to teach?”

“Not crap,” Jack replied disapprovingly before shrugging. “Think so.”

“Let’s hope so,” Pacey smiled. “Imagine how unhappy your father will be if you’ve forgotten everything he paid for you to go to college to learn.”

“More unhappy if Andie,” Jack smiled, hoping Pacey understood.

“Now that’s one expensive brain,” Pacey laughed. “How come you can say that but you can’t say Pacey?”

“You need new name,” Jack smiled.

“I’d be up for that,” Pacey nodded. “Shrug off the name and the reputation that goes with it. What do you suggest?”

“You choose.”

“I can’t choose. The whole point is that it needs to be something you can actually say.”

Jack thought of a moment. “Tom.”

“Tom?” Pacey asked. “I can’t go from Pacey to Tom. It’s too plain.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Nick.”

“Better, but I’m not feeling it.”

“Jane,” Jack said, raising his eyebrows and smiling.

“Nick it is then,” Pacey laughed. 

Jack shook his head, not happy with the selection.

“Make up your mind, man. You chose it.”

“Not you,” Jack shook his head, grateful for the painkillers still coursing through him.

“Okay, what do you suggest?”

“P,” Jack tried, taking a deep breath before trying a little harder. “Pacey.”

Pacey smiled widely. “You’ve been holding out on me.” Noticing that Jack suddenly looked exhausted. “That took a lot of energy, huh?”

“Hard word,” Jack nodded. 

“I know it may not seem like it with everything going on, but you’re doing really well. It’s a miracle really. That first day I honestly thought we were going to lose you.”

Jack looked as though he wanted to say something; that something was playing on his mind. Pacey could not tell if he was too tired to try to talk or if he just did not know how to express what he was feeling. He could not imagine what it was like to be in Jack’s position, to suddenly wake up to your whole world turned on its head.

“Do you remember any of it?”

“No,” Jack said simply.

“Probably for the best,” Pacey nodded. 

Jack smiled in agreement, growing more resentful of his own forced smiles, knowing they were fake. He was tired of being stuck in a bed, having everyone doing everything for him. He hated that even though the nurses were the nicest they could possibly be that he needed their help for virtually every part of life. He missed the feel of air on his skin and the comfort of his own house. When he closed his eyes, as sleep began to take control, he remembered the sensation of arms around him and while unable to place the feeling no matter how hard he tried, he missed it. 

Pacey glanced down at his watch. “I was told by the nurses that I need to finish up shortly. Apparently you’re being moved to a new room.”

Jack nodded, having been told the same thing. “Working?”

“Me?” Pacey asked, receiving a nod from Jack. “I’m going to head to the Icehouse for a few hours and check in on everything. I should probably thank you for having this accident in the off session.”

“Welcome,” Jack nodded. “Who next?”

“You mean on the ‘Jack rota’ that Andie put together?”

Jack nodded knowingly.

“Jen,” Pacey replied, noticing a slight bit of disappointment on Jack’s face. “Were you hoping for someone else?”

“No,” Jack said, eyes dipping. 

“He’ll come back,” Pacey said softly. “Trust me. He always comes back.”

Jack shook his head, trying to imply that he was not thinking about Doug. Unable to explain why he missed him – his body seemingly holding memories that his brain did not. “It was real?” Jack asked, almost immediately regretting it. It was not going to help knowing.

“Oh yeah,” Pacey smiled sympathetically. “Very real.”

Jack nodded, trying to ignore the feeling of his stomach tying in knots – feeling a wave of emotion about to come crashing down. “Tired,” he said simply.

“Okay,” Pacey nodded, standing up from the bed. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”

Jack nodded, already closing his eyes, not able to take anymore.

“Don’t go forgetting my name overnight,” Pacey teased as he headed to the door.

“Pacey,” Jack said quietly, as though he was reminding himself.

“You’re just showing off now.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__  
_Doug sat on the couch with a cup of coffee, the morning news on the TV, watching as Jack got ready for work. He seemed a little more on edge that normal, moving back and forth between the bedroom and bathroom as though he was not quite sure what he was trying to do. Doug had originally assumed that it was because Jack was not used to getting ready for work in Doug’s apartment, or maybe tiredness from his interrupted sleep, but watching him more closely he began to wonder if it was something more._

_“Don’t forget your coffee,” Doug call, watching as Jack fussed in the mirror, fixing a bit of hair that had been displaced when he had pulled his sweater on._

_“I’ll be there in a minute,” Jack said, smiling in Doug’s direction._

_“You can fiddle around with your hair all day, but you’re not going to make it any more perfect.”_

_“Perfect, huh?” Jack laughed._

_Doug simply smiled, taking another sip of his coffee. “What time do you need to head off?”_

_Jack glanced down at his watch. “I have about twenty minutes.”_

_“I’ll make you some breakfast.” Doug climbed off the couch and headed towards the kitchen._

_“No, don’t worry,” Jack called after him from the bedroom. “I’m not hungry.”_

_“You need something,” Doug said adamantly, opening the refrigerator._

_“I don’t have time.”_

_“Sure you do,” Doug replied, not noticing that Jack’s voice had grown closer, grabbing something from the fridge and putting it on the counter, noticing Jack’s coffee still sat in wait. “You can’t just have coffee,” he said picking it up and turning around, walking straight into Jack, spilling the coffee down Jack’s grey sweater. “Shit.”_

_Jack jumped back, instantly pulling his clothing away from his skin, grateful that it had been sat cooling for a while – wordlessly staring down at the dark brown stain._

_“I’m so sorry,” Doug said softly. “Are you okay?”_

_“I’m fine,” Jack said, though he was shaking his head no, realising that he could not go to work like that and he had no other suitable clothes with him. “I need to go home and change. I have a meeting first thing.”_

_“You can’t; you’ll be late,” Doug replied, knowing that Jack would not have time to get across town, change and make it back across town to work in time for an early meeting – wondering why Jack had not mentioned his meeting before._

_“I can’t go like this,” Jack said, as though Doug had lost his mind._

_“I’m sure I have something you can borrow,” Doug said quickly, pulling Jack back in the direction of the bedroom. “Take that off.”_

_“I should just go home,” Jack protested._

_Doug stopped what he was doing, feeling Jack’s anxiety growing. Moving over to be stood in front of him, he reached out for Jack’s hands. “What has got you so on edge?”_

_Jack kept his eyes on their joined hands. “Other than you throwing coffee on me?” he smiled._

_“Yeah,” Doug nodded. “Other than that.”_

_“I just have a really big meeting this morning that I’ve been preparing for.”_

_“What’s it about?”_

_“Just syllabus stuff,” Jack replied. “It seems some of the parents have an issue with some of the content – content that has pretty standard since before I was even in high school, but it seems that now, given who will be teaching it, they have some issues.”_

_“What do you mean?” Doug asked, thinking he understood already._

_“You studied Walt Whitman, right?”_

_“Of course,” Doug nodded. “Feels like a long time ago now.”_

_“It seems as though some of the parents think I’m going to be forcing a ‘gay agenda’ and would rather it be removed from the reading list,” Jack explained._

_“That’s ridiculous,” Doug rolled his eyes. “Why didn’t you say something before?”_

_“Because I didn’t want to make this into a big deal. I have a meeting this morning to discuss this with the school board, the school are being incredibly supportive, and hopefully this is just a formality that we need to tick off so it’s not an issue again.”_

_“It’s not right though.”_

_Jack could not help but laugh. “That’s life.”_

_Doug nodded sadly, hating that Jack felt as though he had to accept that as a reality of his life – knowing there was more behind Jack’s reasoning not to share this with him. Knowing that this was not the right time to address any of that, he decide to focus on what needed to be done. “Right, well you can’t go into the meeting looking like this,” he said, tugging on the bottom of Jack’s sweater, pulling it up his body, smiling as Jack lifted his arms like a child so Doug could pull it all the way off. “Shirt needs to go too,” Doug said seeing that the coffee had soaked all the way through._

_Jack began unbuttoning it as Doug opened his closet, looking for something suitable. “Do you think you have something?” he asked unsure, watching Doug sifting through._

_“Try this,” Doug said, handing him a shirt, going back to look for a sweater._

_Jack slipped it on, smiling slightly, wondering if it should feel weird wearing Doug’s clothes, noticing the smell of Doug’s washing detergent that was different to his. It was like having Doug wrapped around him. “This could work,” Jack nodded, buttoning it up._

_Doug glanced back over his shoulder, smiling at the sight of Jack, as he pulled a brown knit sweater out of the closet and handing it over. “This should fit.”_

_Jack pulled it on, trying to get used to the feel of something that was unfamiliar. “What do you think?”_

_“I think it looks better on you than it does on me,” Doug laughed, pulling Jack close and kissing him softly. “The meeting is going to be absolutely fine.”_

_“I hope so,” Jack nodded._

_“It’s almost like I’ll be there with you.”_

_“That won’t be at all distracting,” Jack smiled, kissing Doug again. “Thank you.”_

_“You know, I quite like you in my clothes,” Doug smiled. “I may spill coffee on you more often.”_

_“Please don’t,” Jack laughed. “But you may not get this sweater back. I quite like it.”_

_“I can live with that.”_

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When his father had been sheriff, Pacey had vowed to never step foot inside the police station, only breaking that rule unintentionally the night that Doug had arrested him for underage drinking and trespassing on the golf course. Though the reign of his father was over and there was a new Witter in charge, he still felt uneasy as he walked up the steps – remembering how he was marched through the doors on many occasions as a child just so his father could reinforce how much of a disappointment he was by recanting his latest indiscretion or shortcoming to anyone who would listen.

It was quiet inside as he walked up to the desk, trying to catch the eye of one of the deputies sat at desks. “Is my brother here?” he asked, realising that no one had noticed him.

“Pacey,” Munroe replied, appearing from the back. “How are you doing?”

“Good thanks,” Pacey smiled before realising how easily the lie had slipped out. “Well, you know.”

Munroe simply nodded. “How’s Jack?”

“Well that question has about ten different answers, but compared to the last time you saw him, pretty damn good.”

“This one is going down as a miracle in my book,” Munroe replied. “I did not think he was going to make it to the hospital, let alone this far.”

“He’s a pretty stubborn man,” Pacey laughed. 

“I know one of those,” Munroe rolled his eyes, glancing over his shoulder to Doug’s office.

“I assume he’s here?”

“Has barely left his office all day.”

“Am I alright to head back there?” 

“Of course – especially if you can convince him to go home.”

Pacey smiled sadly. “There’s only one person on this planet that could convince Doug to do anything and he’s in no fit state to use his superpower right now.”

“Just try your best,” Munroe nodded, gesturing towards the office.

Pacey made his way to Doug’s door, taking a deep breath before knocking and simply walking in, trying to keep the usual Pacey swagger that he was known for. “Grab your coat – you’re coming with me.”

“Excuse me?” Doug asked, looking up from his paperwork.

“Grab your coat,” Pacey repeated. “You’re coming with me.”

“I heard you,” Doug replied, his usual unimpressed look on his face. “I am just wondering why you think you can walk in here and tell me what to do.”

“Someone’s having a good day,” Pacey rolled his eyes, purposely being as irritating as possible, knowing exactly how to push Doug’s buttons.

“Pacey, I do not have time for this.”

“You’d rather go back to staring at that file for the next hour, not really achieving anything except reading the same paragraph over and over again, because you have been sat there too long and your mind is somewhere else.”

“What would know about it?”

“Doug, my last highly insightful remark pretty much summed up my high school experience.”

“Are you trying to be facetious?”

“Yes actually,” Pacey smiled. “I’m trying to irritate you enough that you decide to do what I’m asking you to do just to shut me up.”

“That’s not going to work this time. I’m working.”

“You’ve pulled enough hours for one day. Come to the Icehouse with me and have something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“I didn’t ask if you were hungry.”

“Pacey, you’re giving me a headache.”

“Mom called today – she wanted to know why you’ve not been in touch with news.”

Doug groaned, sitting back in his chair. “I can’t deal with her right now.”

“I know,” Pacey nodded. “She wanted to come to the hospital for a visit.”

“I hope you told her not to?”

“I told her to hold off for a bit. I didn’t go into detail.”

Doug nodded, desperately wanting to ask about Jack but not sure if he should.

“Just because Jack doesn’t remember right now does not mean that you have to behave like it isn’t real – you know that right?” Pacey asked, knowing Doug was finding it hard. “Nothing has changed for you.”

“Pacey, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do or how I’m supposed to feel. I just have no idea.”

“I know, and that’s okay. You don’t have to know.”

“I was so desperate for him to wake up and be okay. I would have given anything for him to make it though. I just never imagined this. That this would be the trade off.”

“And it’s not,” Pacey said simply. “Just over a week ago we weren’t sure if he would make it through the night. Then we weren’t sure if he would wake up. We weren’t sure if the damage would be permanent. This is just the next thing. And when this is done there will be something else, and then something else after that. We just need to get through this bit.”

“Eventually we are going to run out of luck.”

“This isn’t about luck. This is about how hard you’re willing to fight.”

“What difference is it going to make?” Doug asked, the exhaustion evident.

“Jack needs to feel like you’re fighting for this. That whatever he has forgotten is worth fighting for – that his energy will not be wasted on trying to remember whatever he can, because trust me, as much as that has taken it out of you, it’s taking its toll on him too. The exhaustion on his face when he fights to find a word or a memory – it’s incredible. But why should he keep fighting if he thinks you’ve given up?”

“I’ve not given up,” Doug said simply. “I can’t.”

“How does he know that?” Pacey asked. “He was looking for you today.”

“Don’t lie,” Doug said, shaking his head. A pep talk was one thing but he drew the line at emotional manipulation.

“I’m serious. He was expecting to see you, and I know he was disappointed when I told him you weren’t coming.”

“He was probably just bored of you,” Doug shrugged, not wanting to accept what Pacey was saying. The false hope was more painful that accepting the truth.

“Probably,” Pacey nodded. “But he was looking for you. He may not remember why, but there is something there – a feeling if not a memory.”

“You’re a doctor specialising in memory loss now?”

“No, I’m a friend specialising in Jack,” Pacey smiled slightly. “And I’m one of the top experts in the field so bar getting a second opinion from Jen, you’re just going to have to believe me.” 

Doug stood from his desk, stacking the remaining files and setting them aside before grabbing his jacket. 

“Where are you going?” Pacey asked.

“The Icehouse with you,” Doug rolled his eyes. “As long as you promise to keep your opinions to yourself.”

“May tactics worked?” Pacey smiled, standing up, amazed.

“You wore me down – congratulations,” Doug rolled his eyes, opening his office door and walking out.

“That was easier than I thought,” Pacey muttered to himself, quickly following behind, flashing Munroe a quick smile as he passed him. “I’ve still got it.”

**To be continued…**


	9. Feelings Of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter contains quotes from Walt Whitman’s ‘We Two Boys Together Clinging’. This is the poem Jack is shown teaching in the final episode of the show and the writer he referenced in the previous chapter. Don't worry if you don't know the poem or anything about Walt Whitman, it's not necessary. Whitman wrote a number of poems that have been interpreted as being about homosexuality.  
>  The other poem referenced in this chapter you may recognise from season 2 of the show. Again, don't worry if you don't know it. It's all within a dream sequence so you're welcome to interpret however you like... there won't be a test :) **  
> 

Grams placed Amy into her crib, closing the door softly, noticing Jack’s bedroom door open. Walking down the hallway she stopped in the doorway, seeing her granddaughter sat on the floor next to Jack’s bed, a collection of items spread out in front of her, simply staring at them.

“Everything okay?” Grams asked softly, causing Jen to notice her for the first time.

She nodded softly, looking back at the little treasures she had in front of her. “I was thinking of taking some of Jack’s things to the hospital. Try and make it a little more homely.”

“That’s a lovely idea,” Grams smiled, walking further into the room. 

“I don’t know how much longer he’ll have to stay there,” Jen said softly. 

“These things take time.”

“I know,” Jen agreed. “It’s just he’s seemed really down the last couple of days. I’m trying to figure out what I can bring him that would cheer him up, but I have no idea.”

“It’s natural for him to have low spirits,” Grams reminded. “He has a lot to come to terms with.”

“I just thought that moving to a new room, the fact that the doctors are pleased with his recovery so far would have been a positive thing. But it’s been two days now and it’s like he’s completely closed down. He doesn’t want to talk. He’s not interested in anything.”

“Maybe you could take Amy with you for a visit?”

“I don’t know. It feels too soon,” Jen shook her head. “I’m sure he would love to see you though.”

“I would like that too,” Grams nodded. 

“If anyone can get him to perk up a bit I’m sure it’s you.”

“I don’t know about that,” Grams smiled. “Has Doug visited recently?”

Jen sighed slightly, shaking her head. “Not the last couple of days. Pacey has been trying to convince him to come by but he’s thrown himself into work. The whole thing is complete mess.”

“He’s trying to protect against further hurt,” Grams said simply.

“His absence has not gone unnoticed.”

“Has Jack remembered anything?”

“Not that he’s let on,” Jen replied. “He’s just sleeping a lot.”

“Sleep is good. It will give his body and mind time to recover.”

“I just wish we could fast forward through this and get him home.”

“I know, but that’s not possible, so let’s try and make him as comfortable as possible while he’s there.”

Jen nodded, looking back down at the items she had pulled together. “I don’t know what to take. How do I know what is important to him? I don’t want to snoop through his things.”

“Maybe just pick out a few things and then he can always tell you if he would like something else. Maybe some music, photos, some clothing for when he starts to feel better and a bit more mobile.”

“What would I do without you?” Jen smiled.

“You would do just fine,” Grams responded, heading over to Jack’s closet, smiling as she opened it, noticing Jack was still just as neat as he always had been. 

“Remember that whatever you choose will need to fit over his cast,” Jen reminded. 

Grams selected a pair of sweatpants from the shelf, putting them down on the edge of the bed. Returning to the closet, she stood on her tiptoes to reach a zip up sweater she had spotted, giving it a little tug so that he slid off the shelf, unexpectedly bringing another item with it that fell to the floor. Bending down she picked up the brown knit sweater that had fallen from the closet, looking at it closely – it was not something she recognised. She was about to refold it and return it to the shelf when she changed her mind and added it to the pile on the bed.

“How are you getting on?” Grams asked. 

“Better with your help,” she smiled, starting to feel a little more positive. “I think Jack needs you as badly as I do.”

“You’ll both always have me,” Grams smiled in return. “Why don’t you go get ready and we’ll head to the hospital.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug had been planning to go to work. He had dressed in his uniform, had a cup of coffee while watching the morning news, trying to push thoughts of anything other than the files piled up on his desk from his mind. That was all he wanted to think about. He did not want to think about anything that made him feel. He did not want to think of anything past that day – that moment. Just one sip of coffee at a time, watching the overly perky news anchors talk about something that in no way interested him. This was how life needed to be now – plain and simple and emotionless. He could not risk feeling again. It hurt too much.

He had unlocked his car, climbed in and started the engine with his office being his intended destination. His safe haven for another day. The door closed, shut off from the rest of world – minimal interruptions. He would emerge mid-morning to make his presence known and show solidarity with his deputies, feigning the need for a cup of coffee as his excuse for leaving his desk; the stack of paperwork left waiting for him the reason he needed to get back quickly if anyone tried to engage in more than idle small talk. He would try and resist Munroe’s offer of company for lunch – attempting to schedule phone calls at just the right time. He would stay until he heard the noise levels dip outside of his office and the sky was dark; returning home as directly as possible, prepared for another inevitable night of lying awake, crumbled into his pillow, releasing the sorrow he had pushed down all day. 

His plan however went awry somewhere between his apartment and work; suddenly taking the turning that took him out of town, heading towards the road he had been avoiding for two weeks. As though on autopilot, he carried on driving, ignoring the voice in his head telling him to stop and turn around. The voice getting louder and more desperate the closer he got to the epicenter of his agony – the spot that had witnessed the very worst thing to have happened in his life. Outwardly he looked calm and collected, pulling his car to a stop just before the bend in the road. He stared out of his window, the memory of the scene two weeks before playing out in front of him like a movie. The sense of urgency, only just on the right side of outright panic. The sound of voices shouting, the crackling of radios echoing through the air, the slamming of ambulance doors.

He tried to shake the thoughts from his head as he opened the door and climbed out of the car, standing on the roadside, unsure why he was even there. Closing the door behind him, he stepped further into the road, heading to the verge on the opposite side. He took in the view that he usually loved – the creek running alongside the road, still and strong and ever present. The most consistent thing in his whole life. The heart and soul of the town – suddenly looking completely abstract and void of significance in the absence of his own heart and soul.

Sitting down on the edge of the verge he took a few deep breaths, trying to halt the adrenaline rapidly coursing through his body. Trying to fight the desire to scream or simply curl up into a ball and stop existing all together. He was unsure what had brought him to this spot on this particular morning, other than maybe wanting to be in the spot where Jack last had any memory of him and their life together. Wondering if he had been on Jack’s mind that morning. Wondering if Jack had been distracted by the argument Doug had tried to pick with him just before leaving for work. Or maybe he was just thinking about his meeting, or listening to the radio. Doug knew that he was unlikely to ever know.

Staring down at the spot Jack’s car had come to a stop, remembering the commotion of it all, Doug hoped Jack would never have any memory of those moments and those leading up to it – unable to imagine how you would begin to process something that took you so close to death. If in turn that meant Jack never remembering Doug, he wondered if that was what it took. He was about to head back to his car when something caught his eye, glistening in the tall grass. Standing from his perch, he heading further down the bank, squinting against the low sun to make out what had caught his attention, shaking his head in disbelief as he got closer and realised what it was. Bending down he picked up Jack’s cell phone – clearly thrown from the car during the accident, or dropped after in all the madness, just lying in the spot it had been lost in two weeks before. Doug could not help but wonder how it managed to survive the ordeal far less damaged than both Jack and the car. He smiled slightly, dropping it into his pocket, wondering if it would still work having been out in the elements for so long – wondering if there was anything on it that could act as a key to Jack’s memories.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen poked her head around the door of Jack’s hospital room, pleased to see that he was awake. “Hey, sleepyhead,” she smiled. “Nice to see you awake.”

He smiled politely in her direction but made no attempt to speak.

“How are you feeling today?” she asked, moving further into the room and perching on the end of his bed.

He shrugged, once again not attempting to say a word, turning slightly in his bed as though he was planning just to go back to sleep.

“I brought you a few things from home,” she said softly, getting his attention slightly. “I thought you may like that.”

“What?” Jack asked, not even sure what he really wanted her to have brought him, but intrigued to see what she had.

“So now you want to talk to me,” she teased. “Is that it – you’ve been expecting more gifts?”

Jack gave her an unimpressed look that made her smile; it was the same look he had given her numerous times over the years.

“I brought a few little things and one big thing,” Jen said getting back up from the bed. “They’re just outside your room.”

Jack’s eyes narrowed, wondering what Jen was up to. She had the little smirk on her face that she always had when she thought she was being sneaky but actually making it obvious that something was going on. She disappeared through the door, returning quickly holding his gym bag. He carried on looking at her – his eyes drifting to the bag before back to her.

“Not as big as you were expecting?” she smiled, not getting much of a response, verbally or otherwise. She knew that he knew something was going on. “He’s being particularly grumpy today,” Jen said leaning back out of the door. “You may want to reconsider your visit.”

“A little grumpiness is not going to scare me off,” Grams said appearing in the doorway. “If I can survive your teenage years I am ready for anything Jack can throw at me.”

“Grams,” Jack grinned, attempting to sit up a little in the bed but not quite managing it.

“You’ve had us all worried,” Grams smiled, moving over to Jack, before leaning down and kissing his forehead softly. 

“Sorry,” he replied, still smiling as she sat down in the chair next to him.

Jen walked over, a smile on her face, and placed the bag down next to Grams. “I’ve left Amy with Pacey so I should probably get back before she reduced him to tears.”

“Amy,” Jack said, eyes wide.

“If you behave yourself I’ll bring her by before we leave,” Jen smiled.

“Deal,” he nodded.

“Okay,” Jen nodded. “I’ll leave you in Grams’ capable hands for now.” She headed to the door, glancing over her shoulder and smiling before leaving.

Grams sat forward and took hold of Jack’s hand. “I imagine you are growing tired of people asking how you are?”

“Yes,” Jack smiled.

“And I imagine that is because you think you have to keep lying to people and telling them that you’re fine.”

“I’m okay,” he nodded, though his eyes were telling her that she was correct.

She nodded knowingly, standing up and moving closer to the bed. “Let’s get you a little more comfortable,” she smiled warmly, helping him sit forward a little and readjusting his pillow. “Are you warm enough?”

He nodded, a genuine smile on his face as he relaxed back in the bed. 

“You know what my late husband used to complain about most when he was couped up in bed?” Grams asked, opening the bag Jen had left with her and pulling out a pair of socks. “Cold feet.”

Jack could not help but laugh, making Grams smile as she moved to the end of the bed, moving back the blankets just enough to find one of Jack’s feet. 

“Clearly you’ve been too polite to complain,” she smiled knowingly, gently pulling the sock on. “There’s probably not much I can do about the other one,” she said gesturing towards his leg in a cast. “He used to complain about a lot of things but his feet was always number one.”

“Thank you,” Jack said softly, suddenly feeling a wave of emotion that he had tried hard to push aside for days.

“Come on now,” she said, wiping a tear from him cheek, knowing it was everything had been holding back. “There’s no need for tears over some socks.”

Jack laughed a little through his tears, wishing he could make them stop. 

“From what I’ve been hearing, you’ve been working pretty hard recently,” Grams continued, sitting back down and taking a small bottle from the bag. She opened it and squeezed a small amount of location lotion onto her fingers, rubbing her hands together before taking hold of Jack’s hand and beginning to massage it gently. “It may not feel like it right now but this could be the universe’s way of telling you to slow down. And not just while driving.”

Jack smiled softly, sinking back into his pillow as he relaxed a little more. It felt nice being cared for in this way. “Dry hands?” 

“Yes, he used to complain of dry hands too,” Grams replied, understanding what Jack was asking. “And cracked lips. We’ll get to that in a moment.”

Jack closed his eyes, feeling more relaxed that he had in days, enjoying the feel of his muscles loosening in his hand, having felt permanently tight and achy.

“Have you tried to hold anything in this hand?” Grams asked softly, able to feel how tense it was, trying to think of ways to get Jack a bit of independence back and a sense of achievement. 

“Not really,” he said softly, having felt too nervous to try and fail.

Grams reached back into the bag and pulled out something small and light. “Jennifer informs me that this is an iPod,” she smiled, placing it into the palm of Jack’s hand, wrapping his fingers around it, holding his closed hand within hers. “How does that feel?”

“Lotion,” Jack laughed.

“I’ve made it particularly challenging for you. But that’s because I know you can do it.” Slowly she realised her grip on his hand, watching as his fingers remained wrapped around the devise. “Now, do you think you can press the buttons.”

He looked at her apprehensively, unsure if he was going to be able to get the message from his brain all the way down to his fingertips, in the same way he could not always get the words he wanted out.

“Give it a try. Jen has added a couple of audio books for you,” Grams encouraged.

He stared at his hand, pleased to see his fingers moving mostly as he wanted them to. Groaning in frustration as he dropped it.

“Try again,” Grams encouraged, picking it up from the bed and handing it back to him. 

This time he managed to get a better angle, gripping it a little better, his thumb able to wrap around the front and make contact with the buttons. His eyes shot from his hand to Grams, looking to see if she had seen what he had managed.

“I knew you could.”

“Little less broken,” he said softly, gripping the iPod tightly, not wanting to let it go.

“You’re not broken,” Grams said softly. “Well, maybe a little,” she smiled. “But nothing that can’t be fixed.”

“Hope so.”

“Are you in any pain?” 

“Not bad,” he shrugged, knowing it could have been a lot worse. 

“Any part that’s particularly bothering you?” she asked, sensing it was not the physical pain that bothered him the most.

He smiled at her knowingly, lifting his iPod filled hand to his chest, resting it over his heart before lifting it to his head. 

“They’re not speaking to each other very clearly at the moment,” Grams nodded in understanding. “Give it time.”

“I hate that.”

“Is everyone telling you to give it time?” Grams smiled, receiving a nod. “Sometimes the truth is frustrating.”

Jack nodded, wishing she had one of her pearls of wisdom instead.

“How about we see what else Jennifer packed for you?” she asked, lifting the bag onto the edge of the bed. Pulling a few things out. “A few items of clothing for when you get a little more mobile,” Grams said, stacking up the sweatpants and t-shirts next to Jack, pulling out the brown sweater and adding it to the pile, not noticing that Jack was looking at it oddly, as though he did not recognise it. “She found a photo of the two of you with Amy,” Grams smiled, putting the frame next to the bed. “And another one of you and your friends from the last time you all got together.”

“I remember that,” Jack said softly, looking at the photo, smiling – not quite able to place how long ago that gathering had taken place. 

“There’s a few magazines, headphones from your music, and a few other things,” Grams listed, trailing off as she noticed Jack’s eyes fixed on the sweater. “Shall I put these away for you?”

“Mine?” Jack asked, putting the iPod down on the bed, reaching for the brown sweater.

“It was in your closet,” Grams smiled, seeing that he was still looking at it oddly. “Maybe it’s new.”

Jack nodded in agreement, shrugging, “I like it.”

“You keep hold of that one,” Grams said, tucking it under his arm slightly for him – watching as he closed his eyes as he held it more tightly. “I’ll tidy the rest away.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had been a few hours since Grams’ visit and Jen had stayed true to her word, briefly bringing Amy in to see Jack before taking her home. She lay asleep in her stroller, parked up next to Jack’s bed. He curled up as much on his side as he could comfortably achieve, simply looking down at her, lost in the beauty and innocence of her. It made him want to get out of bed, scoop her up in his arms and hold her close to his chest as he had done so many times before, saddened, knowing he would not get to do that for a while – hoping that it would one day be possible again.

Jen had sat down next to him on the edge of the bed, kissing him softly on the cheek, noticing how he was still clinging onto the sweater Grams had packed for him in the same way Amy clung onto her favourite bunny toy – keeping it close at all times. She glanced over to Grams, also watching as Jack’s eyelids grew heavier as he watched Amy sleep – as though her relaxed state was contagious. 

He could feel himself drifting out of consciousness – the hushed voices in the room growing quieter and more blurred. For days when falling asleep it had felt like falling into a darkness, as though he was falling back into the state he had spent so many days floating in, unable to find his way back into the light. Occasionally hearing voices that sounded familiar but he could not quite place – words that he knew should mean something being spoken in tones that made him feel even more desperate. Drifting in a world that even he could not find himself in – the pieces that he had shattered into spread far and wide, almost impossible to gather back together before he woke. Now each time he slept he knew it was his chance to try and find more of those pieces – hoping one would give him the answers he was searching for, knowing that he was getting closer because each time he felt as though he did not need to delve quite so deep into the blackness for information.

He could feel his cheek pressed against soft, knitted fabric as he drifted deeper into sleep, confused as to why his brain was offering up images of coffee – spilt coffee more precisely. Heat against his chest, the rush of adrenaline. He had no idea what it meant. The words of poets that he knew well rushing through his head. **_‘We two boys together clinging.’_** But he was not stood in a classroom as the words continued to grow in volume, trying to emphasise their importance. **_‘One the other never leaving.’_** Even in his sleep he felt dizzy – everything moving too fast. The feeling of being ambushed – words of love and romance being turned into hate and disgust and all eyes on him as though the words had been his own. 

**_‘Power enjoying, elbows stretching, fingers clutching’_**. He felt his breath being stolen as he tried to find the words to defend himself, reminding himself that it was not really his defense that he was fighting, even if the assumption of guilt was placed firmly on him. A trial for the innocent – delivered by the small minded and presided over by those too weak to fight. **_‘Arm’d and fearless, eating, drinking, sleeping, loving’_**. He gasped for air once more, this time able to fill his lungs; the pace of spinning slowing enough to make out images more clearly. Nothing seemed to make sense. He felt ready to give up, no longer having the energy to fight in a battle he never asked to be part of, when suddenly the feeling of being enveloped in the firm but gentle arms of love gave him the will and cause to fight on.

As Jack reached out for the memory, twinkling like a star in the sky, its light faded, burning out completely. And though Jack could not quite comprehend the reason why, he knew that somewhere deep within him it made sense. It gave him faith that everything was still within and had not been lost. He just needed to keep searching, knowing that it was like dominoes – once he found the right memory and broke it down, the rest would come tumbling too. 

Maybe then he would understand the taste of marshmallow on his lips, or the smell of tomato sauce, the sharpness of broken glass, the feeling of wet leaves beneath his knees, the burn of whiskey, softness of feather pillows, the persistent but ignored buzzing of his cell phone, the combination of desire and fear wrapped together in a bow, dogs and children running through open fields, wine and the crackling of an open fire, the rush of ecstasy as water cascaded over him – the unmistakable strength, security and warmth of arms wrapped around him; holding him together in a way he could not manage alone. 

He tried to move closer, to get a better look, but suddenly the spinning picked up again – the words of poetry once again filled the air. **_‘Today was a day the world got smaller, darker. I grew more afraid’_**. Only this time the words were his – the creation of his subconscious; welcoming him back, promising as many answers as before if only he could be as brave as he had been that night preparing for Peterson’s class. **_‘I loosen my collar and take breath. My eyes fade. And I see him. The image of perfection’_**. It was once again dark, though this time still – the image of a man, faint, but present – calling Jack’s name, luring him closer. He tried to move closer, suddenly frozen on the spot – scared to confirm who the figure was, scared of what it meant for his life going forward. **_‘His frame strong, his lips smooth. I keep thinking, “What am I so scared off?”’_** He kept his eyes on the figure as long as possible, fighting to keep sight of him as the image began to fade – his arm reaching out too late, as a flash of blue and red light engulfed the darkness, ending any hope he had of finding what he was looking for.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack knew that he was not being the best company. He knew that his unwillingness to speak, his desire to switch off, and his absent-minded staring off into space was not making it easy for those trying to keep him company to do their job of cheering him up. He therefore was not surprised when his friends doubled up on visits, upping the moral support when all Jack really wanted was to be left alone. He was grateful that the hospital was now imposing visitation hours – no one being able to spend the night in the chair next to him. Yet still, bright and early, just like clockwork someone would arrive – a forced cheery smile plastered across their face that would remain in place until visitation ended in the evening.

It was not that he did not appreciate it. He did – truly. He understood the sacrifices his sister and friends were making in order to be with him, but that just made it worse. Knowing that they should be at work, or with their baby, or resting after a long shift just made him feel guilty that he was simply lying in a bed, waiting to get better, or not get better if that was what fate on the cards for him. He just wanted to know what hand he would have to play with. He wanted to be able to get up, do things for himself, go home, sleep in his own bed, go back to work, start rebuilding his life; or making a new one – anything but be stuck in place.

It had been days since he last saw Doug and it bothered him more than he thought it would – more than he could understand. Still with no memory of all the things people continued to assure him were true, he wondered why his body still ached for something – knowing in his bones that something was missing. Someone was missing. As though his body had grown dependent on a drug that had now been removed. His body ached – the feeling only growing as time passed. Everyone telling him that he would start feeling better soon, not realising that with each passing hour he felt closer to death than he had the moment he woke up.

He told himself that the reason it was playing on his mind was simply the hurt he saw on Doug’s face before he had left. The fact that the man that had seemed so strong and untouchable in all of his memories suddenly looked broken, as though his heart had been ripped out. Jack knew that even though it was not intentional, he was responsible for that. That whatever had happened to him; whatever he was going through, Doug was going through it too. But he had promised to come back. He had looked Jack in the eye and assured him that he was not walking away forever – yet there was still no sign of him, making Jack wonder if maybe it was better this way. If maybe he should work to rid the feeling from his body rather than remind his brain – let Doug go in the way he seemed to want to be released. 

He saw the look that Pacey gave Andie. They had been sat with him for over an hour and he had not spoken a word. He did not have anything to say. He did not have the energy. He had no desire to answer their questions. The same questions every day. Checking how he felt, if he was in any pain, if he was comfortable. None of it mattered. Not to him. 

He pulled the brown sweater closer, holding it a little tighter – wishing he could put it on but not able to manage alone and refusing to ask for help. His head still hurt and he did whatever he could to avoid touching it. The thought of pulling a sweater on made him feel a little nauseous. But he enjoyed pressing it against his cheek, drawing in a deep breath and filling himself with the scent that seemed woven into each strand. Something about the smell was comforting and was the only thing that stopped the internal ache – the only thing that made him feel remotely human. He was not sure what the smell was but assumed it was scent of home. Something completely innate – normally undetected in more normal circumstances, but here and now it was his lifeline, keeping him from drifting back out to sea.

“It was nice of Jen to bring in some things from home,” Andie persisted, still not getting any kind of reaction from Jack. “Is there anything else you’d like?”

Jack closed his eyes. He did not want to sleep. He just could not bring himself to look at the expression on Andie’s face any longer. He knew it was killing her to see him like this and as much as he wanted to make her happy, he could not do it anymore.

“These photos are great,” Pacey chimed in, saving the room from complete silence. “Where was this one taken?” he asked, picking up the photo of his friends. 

“That was your weekend trip to New York,” Andie answered, remembering how she had not been able to join them. “Before Jack moved back to Capeside.”

Pacey nodded, looking down at the photo, reminding himself that he needed to update Dawson and Joey on how Jack was doing – both of them having offered to come back to Capeside to help however possible but he had assured them that they were managing. Joey had sent flowers the following day.

“Do you remember when Mom and Dad made us move into separate rooms?” Andie asked her brother, knowing he was unlikely to answer. “When were about five or six they decided that we should have our own rooms. We had always shared but when we moved to a bigger house we were given our own,” Andie continued, telling the story to Pacey, knowing Jack was listening. “It didn’t work out too well. Every night either I would sneak into Jack’s room or he would come into my room and we would hide under the covers with this flashlight we had that made different shapes. Jack would hold the flashlight and I would read stories from our books within the tent of our sheets.”

“I can’t imagine getting on with my siblings like that,” Pacey laughed.

“Jack would shine the flashlight onto the ceiling before we went to sleep and make up stories about the stars. Sometimes he would make up stories of us flying through space and sometimes he would tell me all about Peter Pan and Neverland. It was magical. At some point during the night Mom or Dad would come in and take whichever one of us was in the wrong bed back to their room and that’s where we would wake up.”

“Please tell me you stopped doing that before high school?” Pacey laughed, noticing that Jack had opened his eyes again, looking at Andie as she told the story.

“Only because eventually our parents put a stop to it. They used to camp out on the landing and put us back in our rooms whenever we tried to sneak out. After about a week of that our mom bought us these glow in the dark stars and stuck them on the ceiling above our beds. She told us that even though we were in different rooms, we were still under the same stars.”

“And that worked?”

“Mostly,” Andie smiled. “I think Jack adapted better than I did. I think he was just happy as long as he could see the stars.”

Jack smiled sadly, realising he had not seen for stars for weeks. “Stars,” he said softly, his first word for hours.

“Maybe we should stick some on the ceiling in here,” Pacey joked. 

“Just fireflies,” Jack added, “that flew too high.”

Pacey smiled widely, remembering his childhood. “Your parents told you that too?”

Andie looked at her brother slightly confused, having never heard that before. “No,” she said softly. “Where did you hear that?”

Jack looked back at her, assuming she would know. The words had appeared in his head with no context or memory behind them. “I don’t know.”

“My mom used to tell us exactly that,” Pacey explained. “That the stars were thousands of little fireflies that had flown too high and ended up in space.”

“No wonder you were academically challenged,” Andie laughed.

“Childhood is a time for magic and wonder, not academic prowess.”

“Peter Pan,” Jack smiled, agreeing with Pacey.

“Exactly,” Pacey grinned. “Peter Pan and Neverland, fireflies and wonder. Not science books and facts.”

“Did you tell me?” Jack asked, wondering where the idea had come from.

Pacey smiled simply, looking briefly at Andie before answering. “No,” he shook his head. “But I can guarantee that it came from a Witter.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__

_“Drive slowly,” he heard Doug call as he walked out of the house, closing the door firmly behind him. Pausing for a second he took a deep breath, trying to push the frustration from his conversation with Doug out of his mind before getting into the car. Doug knew he was running late so he had no idea what possessed him to bring up their ongoing and tedious issues. Six months in and they were no closer to resolving anything. There were days where Jack was able to shrug it off – to tell himself that as long as he had Doug the rest really did not matter. Then there were the days – growing in frequency, where Jack could not see any future for them if Doug was unwilling to budge on the issue. He had given Doug six months and Doug had given very little._

_Jack shook his head. He did not want to be thinking about it; the same way he did not want to talk about it. Nothing ever changed. It did not get him anywhere other than making him feel angry and anxious – neither of which he could afford to be this morning. He had to get to work and to his meeting. That was the only thing he wanted to think about. For one day he did not want to think about his private life. He did not want to think about Doug. He just wanted to go to work, sit in his meeting with the principal and come out of it satisfied that he had made the right choice committing to Capeside High for the foreseeable future. He did not want to think about his motivation for making that choice. He did not want to consider if he would have made the same choice if it were not for Doug. The decision felt right. That was all he wanted to focus on._

_He climbed into his car, throwing his bag and cell phone onto the passenger seat, quickly glancing at the clock, confirming he was running late. He quickly pulled away from the house, looking back one last time – hoping that Doug was not dwelling on their conversation too much. He made a mental note to call him at lunch time to see how his day off was going. If he managed to get out of work on time maybe he would stop by the grocery store and grab a few things for dinner; remembering that his kitchen was pretty empty._

_He had spent so many evenings working late that he simply had not managed to maintain a reasonable standard of adult living – surviving on take out and whatever Doug cooked when he was free in the evenings. Everything else had gone completely out of the window. He had called Andie a couple of times, each time missing her and leaving a message, never finding the time to check if she had responded. He knew he had at least two emails from Dawson asking his opinion regarding a couple of storylines for ‘The Creek’ – not having had the heart to telling him that he was nowhere near up to date on episodes. Things were really beginning to pile up and it made him feel as though he was letting everyone down._

_Choosing not to enter into another predictable argument with Doug was just another example of pushing things aside; leaving it for a time when he had the energy and space to deal with it properly. He simply did not have the brain capacity to go through it all again. There was only so many times he could make the mental list of pros and cons before it drove him completely mad – growing increasingly anxious when the cons section continued to grow at a more rapid rate than the pros. In the end he knew his lists made no difference. The cons could be as long as his arm and he would still choose Doug. It was not a choice anymore. It was love._

_He could not help but smile to himself, turning his music up as he turned onto the road that always made him think of the man he loved. The road that Doug would often choose to sit in wait of speeding motorists, letting Jack know later that evening how much over the limit he had been travelling when he had passed him. Rolling his eyes at the memory of the numerous lectures about the dangers of speeding, Jack looked down at the dial on his dashboard and in turn reduced his speed, knowing he was now definitely going to be late._

_“Better to get there late but in one piece,” Jack said out loud, mimicking Doug’s voice as though it was the Sheriff’s personal mantra. Jack smiled – just the thought of Doug easing the anxiety growing within him. He knew that no matter what he decided to do about Doug he was damned either way, deciding that if that were the case, he would rather be damned with Doug stood by his side – his arms wrapped around him at night._

_Turning one of the final bends before reaching the high school, Jack’s breath caught in his throat, his foot slamming down on the brake – unable to stop the skidding of his car or the truck that was hurtling towards him at speed on the wrong side of the road. Realising that there was no way he was going to avoid impact he tried to steer so at least the truck hit the passage side of his car. Time slowed down, images flashing through his mind at pace – his childhood, his family, his friends. Then for a brief moment everything was still – the image of Doug the only thing in his mind. He felt his body relax and stop fighting the inevitable as suddenly he heard the unmistakable sound of metal hitting metal, glass smashing – the road beneath him suddenly above him, spinning out of control, free falling, tossed around like a bag in the wind, head making contact with something hard one last time as everything started to go black._

_He parted his lips ever so slightly, drawing in what he knew could be his last breath – one word tumbling out of him before the world disappeared. “Doug.”_

__

***

Jack’s eyes shot open – waking suddenly. He gasped for air, his heart pounding, trying to figure out if it was simply a dream or in fact a memory. It certainly felt like more than just a dream. He could feel his body shake – remembering the trauma it had endured. He took a deep breath in preparation; expecting the floodgate to open and for memories to start flooding this mind. Waiting for something that never came. Just the one thing filled his head – just one imagine – the same as the moment before the crash. Doug.

He needed it all to start making sense. He needed to remember more.

“Where is he?” Jack whispered, tears on his cheek, realising he was alone. “Come back.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andie was not sure if she was doing the right thing. She had promised herself that she would not get involved, not entirely sure what the right thing to do was. She had vowed to take Jack’s lead – to only do what he asked her to, but she knew she could not sit back and longer and watch him retreat further into himself, searching for answers that he may never find alone.

She glanced at her watch, knowing that she did not have a lot of time, she walked up the front steps and walked through the large wooden door. The room was relatively quiet. She did not really know what she expected, only having what she had seen on TV to go by. She walked up to the front desk, hoping she would find what she was looking for.

“How can I help you?” the officer behind the desk asked, barely looking up.

“I’m looking for Doug,” 

“Sheriff Witter?” the officer asked, looking up.

“Yes, sorry, Sheriff Witter,” she corrected, not really caring what the correct terminology was. She just needed to talk to him. “Is he here?”

“He’s busy at the moment.”

“Could you at least tell him I’m here?” she asked, beginning to get frustrated.

“If you leave a message I’ll make sure he gets it,” the officer persisted with his evasiveness.

“I do not wish to leave a message. I need to speak to Doug.”

“Sheriff Witter has asked not to be disturbed,” the officer said firmly.

“This is ridiculous,” Andie muttered, looking over the top of the officer’s head, further into the room, looking around for someone that looked as though they would be more helpful, suddenly spotting the deputy that had been at the hospital the day of the accident. “Excuse me!” she called, waving, causing a few people to look up at her questioningly.

“Ma’am, I need you to lower you voice,” the officer at the desk said quickly, glancing over his shoulder.

“Well, I needed you to never call me ma’am ever again,” Andie said shortly, continuing to wave in the direction of the deputy she wanted. “Hello!”

Deputy Munroe looked up from the paperwork on his desk, noticing he was being waved at. He looked a little closer, trying to figure out why he recognised her, quickly remembering. “Andie,” he said, standing up. “Is everything okay?”

“I need to see Doug but this jobs-worth here is refusing to let him know that I’m here,” she said, shooting the officer at the desk a deathly cold stare.

Munroe could not help but smile. The small amount he had heard about Jack, he knew that he was the more relaxed and easy going of the siblings. “This is Andie McPhee,” Munroe said to the officer at the desk, watching as the realisation dawned on his face.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realise,” he said.

“You didn’t ask,” Andie mutter, not in the mood to be delayed any further.

“Come through,” Munroe smiled, trying to hold back a laugh. “Doug’s in his office.”

“You mean Sheriff Witter?” she smiled back.

“I’ve been trying to convince him to unify the two personas a little bit.”

“How’s that working out?” Andie asked.

“Like pulling teeth,” Munroe said quietly, stopping outside of Doug’s office, knocking firmly. “Just go in,” he directed. “He’s more than likely just staring into space.”

Andie nodded, used to the exact same thing with Jack. She straightened up slightly before opening the door and stepping inside. Doug was sat in his chair, turned away from the desk, staring out of the window. Andie was not even sure if he was aware anyone had come in.

“Are you making sure the squirrels are behaving themselves?” Andie asked, looking out the window at the large oak tree outside.

Doug turned around in his chair, having expected it to be one of his officers. “Never underestimate the stealth of a squirrel,” he smiled. “Is everything okay?” he asked, wondering why Andie was stood in his office.

“Not really,” Andie said, sitting down before being offered a seat. 

“What’s happened?”

“It’s more what hasn’t happened,” Andie said simply. “When are you coming back to see Jack?”

Doug sighed, looking down at his desk. “I think it’s best this way.”

“Best for you or best for Jack?”

“Both,” he said quickly, refusing to be accused of acting selfishly. 

“Well, I think you’re wrong,” Andie said softly. “On both counts.”

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Jack’s mood is really low,” she confessed. “He’s hardly talking. He’s just lying in that bed getting more and more distant. If I’m honest you don’t look a lot better.”

“I need to give him space to either try and remember or to be able to forget completely.”

“He is remembering,” Andie said emphatically. “I just don’t think he realises yet.”

“How is that any different to not remembering?” Doug asked, not wanting to give into the hope. 

“He is remembers things – I’m sure of it. I just don’t think he’s been able to link those memories to you. I don’t think he’ll be able to until he sees you again. You are the missing piece, Doug, and the longer you stay away, the longer it will be before Jack realises.”

“Andie, with all due respect, you don’t know that. You’re just guessing.”

“No,” Andie protested. “I’m not.” She sat forward in her chair as though she was about to share a state secret. “He says your name in his sleep,” she smiled softly. “Never when he’s awake but over and over in his sleep.”

“He does?” Doug asked, his heart pounding a little harder – unsure if he wanted to believe her or not.

She nodded softly, a small smile on her face. “The memories are all in there,” she said adamantly. “But he needs help piecing them together. You’re the only one that can help him.”

“I don’t know how,” Doug shook his head.

“Sure you do,” Andie replied. “You just need to be there. Like you were before.”

“That’s all?”

“Until his mood lifts a little I don’t think he’s going to get any better. I don’t think anyone is going to be able to help his mood except you. We’ve tried.”

“What if I make things worse?” Doug asked, genuinely concerned. 

“I don’t think that’s likely. But I’m willing to take that chance. I’m really worried about him.”

“Andie, I don’t know,” Doug shook his head. “I want to – really I do. But maybe he’s better off forgetting.”

“No, you’re wrong,” Andie said forcefully. “You’re just scared. I get that. But I am telling you – Jack needs you.”

Doug sat back in his chair, running his hands over his face. 

“Today Jack said that stars are fireflies that have flown too high,” Andie said, waiting to see Doug’s reaction – seeing a slight smile appear. “Does that mean something to you because it’s not anything I’ve heard before.”

“That’s what my mom used to say. It’s insane; I know,” Doug laughed. “I told Jack that one time.”

“He remembers it,” Andie smiled softly. “He just doesn’t remember why.”

Doug nodded, beginning to realise that Andie was right. “Okay,” he nodded. “I’ll go see him.”

“Great,” Andie said, standing from the chair. “Grab your coat.”

“Now?” Doug asked, his eyes widening.

“Are you too busy watching the squirrels?” Andie joked. “If it’s that important I’d put the officer from the front desk on it.”

“Can I at least go home and change?” Doug smiled.

“As long as you don’t take as long to change as Jack does.”

“No one takes as long as Jack,” Doug laughed, grabbing his coat.

“Okay then,” she nodded, stopping before opening the door. “Doug, do you own a brown sweater?”

Doug looked at her slightly confused – no idea where that question had come from. Realising it was a genuine question he thought of a moment. “Yes,” he nodded. “But it’s at Jack’s house.”

Andie smiled as though he had figured out a great mystery. “I thought so.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see,” she smiled. “Come on, we should get going.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack was beginning to wonder where everyone was. This was the longest that he recalled being left alone during visitation hours – not that he minded. In fact it was quite nice to have some quiet time. He had a lot on his mind. His memories leading up to the accident were coming back a little more clearly, bringing with them a mixture of emotions along with some things he wished he did not have to remember. He could almost fully picture his drive to work. He could clearly see in his mind the truck that ran him off the road. He could taste the panic in his mouth – trying desperately to swallow it down and push it away.

However he could not clearly remember the period before getting into the car. The memory was made up of shadows. He knew he had been at home. He knew he was heading to work so it had to have been the morning. He knew that he was not alone – the echo of words filling his head, never becoming clear enough to make out. But suddenly it did not seem all that important to know what the words were because he knew without doubt that the person there was Doug. The same way he knew that Doug was the last thing he thought of and without knowing it, had been the person he had been dreaming about since. He just wished he could remember more than that.

He wished he could remember where his feelings were coming from. He wished he would be sure that he could trust them. He felt undeniably linked to Doug in a way he had never felt before, and wished he had some memory to explain it. No idea how their relationship had started, no idea who made the first move. No idea what they had in common – if they had anything in common. No memory of any words they had said, promises they had made, plans they had discussed. No idea if the things that had made Doug fall in love with him still existed after the accident. All he knew was that the moment Doug had left the hospital his heart had hurt.

Visitation would be ending soon and Jack assumed that he was most likely not going to see anyone again until the morning – maybe not even then. He knew that he had been less than welcoming company. He felt guilty for how ungrateful he must have seemed over the last few days. He was contemplating how to make it up to his friends when he heard a knock on the door.

He did not opened his eyes or attempt to tell whoever it was to come in because from experience they always did anyway. As expected he heard the door open and someone entered. He listened carefully trying to make out who it was, wondering if it was Andie when he felt them sit in the chair next to him. It did not feel like Andie though. Suddenly the air around him felt electric – making his skin tingle, as though if he opened his eyes he would be able to see sparks. 

Confused by the feeling, he slowly opened his eyes – blinking; trying to make sure the figure before him was really there and not just another trick of his mind. 

Doug smiled at him softly, almost having forgotten how incredible Jack’s eyes felt when they rested on him. “Did I wake you?”

Jack shook his head, desperately trying to find his words, realising that he was going to have to try a little harder than normal. “You came back.”

“I said I would,” Doug smiled. “How are you?”

“Better,” he nodded, realising for the first time that was true. “You?”

“Same,” he smiled, taking in the sight of the man he loved – no longer looking at him with the same fear and apprehension he had days before. 

“Where have you been?” Jack asked, working hard to get the question out.

“I’ve been at work,” Doug replied, surprised by how much Jack’s speech had improved since he last saw him. “You’re doing well – your speech I mean.”

Jack shrugged. “Some words are hard.”

“For all of us,” Doug said softly, suddenly feeling nervous – like he had when he first started spending time with Jack. He wondered if Jack felt the same.

“Arrest anyone?” Jack smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

“Not today,” Doug laughed slightly, seeing a glimpse of the Jack he knew flash over the other man’s face, relaxing a little. “What have you been doing today?”

Jack thought for a second. “Lunch in the city.”

“Nice to see the accident didn’t impair your flare for sarcasm,” Doug shook his head. 

“Just thinking,” Jack answered more seriously. “And remembering.”

“Remembering?”

“The accident,” Jack confessed. 

“What do you remember?”

“Truck?” Jack asked, receiving a nod from Doug, confirming that he was remembering correctly. “I need a new car.”

Doug could not help but laugh. “You do. There’s plenty of time for all of that.”

“Not my fault,” Jack said – leaving Doug wondering if it was a question or a statement.

“No, it wasn’t your fault,” he confirmed. “Do you remember anything else?”

“The last thing I saw,” Jack struggled to say, growing more tired. “You.”

“Me?” Doug asked, not understanding. He was not there.

Jack nodded. “In my head. You.”

“Me,” Doug said again quietly, unable to say anything else.

“I don’t remember us. I’m trying.”

“I know,” Doug nodded, seeing the exhaustion on Jack’s face. “Take it easy. Don’t push yourself.”

“Don’t go,” Jack said quickly, feeling as though Doug was trying to wrap up his visit.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Doug comforted, reaching out for Jack’s hand before stopping himself – realising it may be too much for Jack.

“I feel it.”

“Feel what?” Doug asked.

“Something,” Jack replied, finding words increasingly hard. He lifted his hand and rested it on his chest. “I don’t know,” he took a breath, “what it means.”

Doug pulled his chair closer to the bed, this time not second guessing himself as he reached for Jack’s hand, holding it tightly where it rested on Jack’s chest. “You need to slow down.”

“No,” Jack shook his head. “I need to know.”

“We’ll figure it all out,” Doug said softly. “But please, you can’t keep pushing yourself.”

Jack closed his eyes, trying to take some deep breaths, feeling Doug’s hand wrapped around his own on his chest as it rose and fell. A wave of exhaustion crashing down on him hard – leaving him fighting to stay present.

“Relax,” Doug said softly, his free hand moving to Jack’s cheek. He could feel Jack’s body shake, fighting hard. “Jack, please,” Doug begged, scared of how much Jack’s body could take, having already witnessed it give up before. Even though he knew Jack was stronger than he had been then he was still concerned. 

Doug moved in a little closer, desperate to wrap his arms around Jack and hold him close – do whatever he could to reassure him that he was not going to leave again, that together they could figure it all out and make sense of the feelings Jack had. He squeezed Jack’s hand a little more tightly.

Eyes still closed, Jack tried to steady his breathing, focusing on the feel of Doug’s hands – no longer startled or nervous of his touch. It felt good. It felt right. It felt different from anyone else. He took a couple of deep breaths, breathing in the scent of the other man now so close to him. Almost instantly he began to calm – the tidal waves within settling back down, washing in and out gently with each rise and fall of his chest. 

Jack opened his eyes, looking into Doug’s. “It’s you,” he whispered.

Doug looked down at him, not knowing what he meant – relieved that Jack had calmed down. He felt Jack’s hand pull away from his, reaching under the blanket.

Jack pulled out the brown sweater that had been wrapped around him under the blanket – raising it to his face, inhaling deeply. “It’s you,” he smiled, realising the smell that he assumed was home was actually Doug all along. The thing that had kept him calm – it was all Doug.

Doug looked down at the sweater in Jack’s hand, suddenly understanding Andie’s question – wondering if Jack had known that the sweater belonged to him. From the look on his face he assumed not. He smiled slightly – watching the realisation dawn on Jack’s face.

“Not mine,” Jack said, shaking his head a little.

“No,” Doug smiled. “Though I don’t think you had any intention of returning it.”

Jack pressed it to his face again, breathing in the scent before leaning in a little closer to Doug just to be sure. “It smells like you.”

“Is that good or bad?” Doug asked, laughing slightly.

Jack looked up into Doug’s eyes, a swirl of memories filling his head looking for an anchor to hold them firm – needing something to cling to, a focus that brought them back together. “Definitely,” Jack whispered, his breath catching, “Good.”

Doug took a deep breath, trying his hardest to fight the urge to lean in a little further and kiss Jack – knowing it could be a massive mistake. He knew he needed to move at Jack’s pace and wait until he was ready – not wanting to rush in and ruin everything. It was becoming increasingly difficult as Jack continued to look back at him – his eyes wide and bright.

Jack could see the tortured look on Doug’s face and knew exactly what it meant – knowing exactly what he wanted. Knowing that under any other circumstances he would not be holding back. His hand let go of the sweater, moving back to Doug’s hand resting on the edge of the bed – looking him in the eyes. “Do it,” he whispered.

“Jack,” Doug shook his head, worried he was misunderstanding – his strength and willpower dwindling by the second.

“Please,” Jack whispered, wanting to sit up a little higher but feeling completely spent and incapable. “Do it.”

Unable to fight it any longer, Doug leaned down, his lips finding Jack’s – softly pressing against them, waiting to feel resistance or a change of heart from the other man. Realising it was not coming he began to kiss Jack more intently, overjoyed to feel Jack’s lips moving beneath his, kissing him back. It reminded him of their first ever kiss – wanting so much more but knowing he needed to keep his senses in check.

Jack allowed himself to get lost in the feeling – forgetting everything that had happened over the last two weeks, just wanting to feel this. To feel Doug. Trying to work out if all the feelings racing through him were associated with Doug as he suspected. Just needing the proof that the ache in his heart was purely the absence of the man his body never forgot. That all he had to do to make the pain go away was keep Doug close. 

Doug pulled away, trying to compose himself – reminding himself where they were. He kept his eyes on Jack, relieved to see a smile on his face. 

Jack opened his mouth to talk but nothing came out. He tried again, realising quickly that his words were not there, only able to make one simple sound – “Wow.”

Doug laughed a little, nodding. “Good, huh?”

Jack took a deep breath. “I get it now.”

“Just give it time,” Doug said softly. “I know you’ll remember eventually.”

“Hope so.”

Doug smiled softly, remembering their trip to the cabin. “I once promised you that if you ever lost your memories that I would be here to remind you. I’m sorry I haven’t been these last few days. But I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

Looking into Doug’s eyes Jack smiled softly – his smile suddenly growing. “Remind me,” Jack said, “Again.”

Doug raised his eyebrows, trying to hide his grin. “Whatever the patient needs.” 

Doug leaned down, mouth once again finding Jack’s, kissing him less delicately than before, making it his mission to remind Jack of everything that was yearning to be remembered. His hand moved to Jack’s side, instantly feeling Jack’s hand rest on top of it, shifting slight, trying to get a better angle as he stood next to Jack’s bed – fighting the urge to crawl under the sheets next to him.

“Did that help?” Doug asked, resting his forehead softly against Jack’s, feeling Jack’s eye lashes brush against his own as Jack smiled.

“Keep trying.”

**To be continued…**


	10. Secret

Doug had been waiting patiently for visitation hours to start; wanting to spend a little time with Jack before he headed into work, realising that he needed to find a little balance. The days since his impromptu visit, everyone had noticed a positive change in Jack’s mood. He was talking more, though still growing tired quickly, and while his memories had not become any more clear, he was keeping faith that they would.

Doug had spent most of the previous days at the hospital, trying to claw back as many lost minutes as he could. Sometimes Jack would be in the mood to talk – sometimes asking questions, but trying to avoid Doug giving him too much information. He wanted to be sure that the memories that returned were his own and not influenced by Doug’s retelling. Other times they would sit in silence; simply happy to be in the presence of the other man. There was still so much Doug wanted to tell him – so many things he wanted to confess and be sure Jack understood. Not wanting to say anything that could set Jack back he decided to hold back a little longer.

“You can go in now,” a nurse said warmly, having watched Doug staring down at his watch every thirty seconds as though it was going to make time go faster.

“Thank you,” he smiled, quickly moving down the corridor to Jack’s room, knocking lightly on the door before entering.

“Good morning,” the nurse inside Jack’s room smiled warmly. “Bright and early today.”

“Am I okay to come in?” Doug asked, his eyes fixed on Jack, sitting a little more upright in the bed, a smile on his face.

“Do you really think I have any hope of stopping you?” she smiled. 

“This is Judy,” Jack grinned. “My favourite.”

“Now if I find out that you’ve been saying that about everyone I am going to take that to heart,” she joked, adjusting his pillow a little.

Doug laughed, stepping further inside, closing the door behind him. “You need to watch out for him – he can be quite the flirt.”

“Don’t I know it,” Judy laughed. “He’s all talk. I wasn’t his favourite twenty minutes ago when I was encouraging him to eat his breakfast.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Force feeding.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” she teased, resting her hand on his shoulder. She knew that mealtimes were not Jack’s favourite time of day – particularly breakfast. He was still finding it difficult to swallow, finding the sensation uncomfortable – the whole process taking a lot of encouragement and reassurance. “You’re doing well.”

Doug tried to not let the smile on his face falter, once again being hit by another of the many complexities of Jack’s recovery. He found it hard to imagine the man that had never needed any excuse to eat needing encouragement. “If he carries on giving you trouble just threaten him with getting his sister in here.”

Jack glared at Doug. “Mean.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” Judy laughed. “Don’t tell the others but Jack is my favourite too.”

“Don’t you two make a lovely pair,” Doug laughed.

Jack looked up at Judy and smiled, tilting his head towards Doug. “Jealous.”

“He’s all yours,” Judy winked, collecting together the remains of Jack’s breakfast. “You have about thirty minutes before rounds.” 

Doug smiled, opening the door for her, returning his attention to Jack once she had left. “Good morning.”

“Morning,” Jack replied, reaching out his hand to Doug.

Smiling, Doug moved closer, taking Jack’s hand as he leaned down and kissed him. “How did you sleep?”

Jack shrugged. “I’m sick of this bed.”

“Keep doing what the doctors say and hopefully you won’t have to be in it much longer.”

“I want to go somewhere.”

“Where do you want to go?” Doug asked, sitting down next to him, still holding his hand.

“Anywhere.”

“You’re bored.”

“I want a shower,” Jack added – his list of frustrations growing.

“I know,” Doug consoled. “You’ll be able to do all of that soon enough.”

“Sorry,” Jack hung his head, not wanting to be so negative. 

“You don’t need to apologise,” Doug reassured. “I want all the same things you do. I know it’s frustrating but it all takes time.”

“What if this is it?” Jack asked, the words he did not want to consider falling out of him.

Doug looked at Jack, seeing the fear in his eyes. “It’s not,” he said simply. 

“You don’t know.”

“I do,” Doug said firmly. “I know it may not feel like it but you’ve come so far already. It may not be quick, but I promise life will go back to normal.”

“You can’t promise.”

“I can promise to do everything in my power to make it so,” Doug said softly. 

“I don’t even remember normal,” Jack said with a slight laugh. 

“Then we’ll make a new normal,” Doug assured. “I just want you to be happy.”

Jack smiled softly, closing his eyes – just enjoying the feel of Doug sat next to him. He knew he would not be able to stay long before going to work; both of them having decided that it was not healthy for him to spend all day at the hospital. Even though Jack still could not piece together the memories of their relationship, he was still excited to see Doug when he visited and missed him when he was gone, in a way that did not compare to anyone else. 

“I have something for you,” Doug said softly, causing Jack to open his eyes. “I found your cell phone.”

“Where?” Jack asked.

“At the site of the accident.”

Jack looked down at the cell phone in Doug’s hand, looking back at Doug questioningly. “That’s not my phone.”

“Well, no,” Doug smiled, having wondered if Jack would notice. “Except it is.”

Jack looked at him confused, trying to figure out if he was simply not understanding Doug or if he was really not making any sense.

“Your phone spent two weeks lying at the side of the road before I found it,” Doug explained. “It was too badly damaged to do much with. But I pulled a couple of strings down at the station and one of my officers has managed to transfer the data from your old phone onto this new one.”

“Everything?” Jack beamed.

“As far as I know,” Doug nodded. “I haven’t looked.”

“Turn it on,” Jack said excitedly, watching as Doug did exactly that, both of them watching the screen come to life.

“It should be exactly as you had everything on your old phone.” 

“How did you get the new one?” Jack questioned.

“I bought it from the store,” Doug laughed, as though Jack was expecting something more magical.

“No,” Jack shook his head. “Too much.”

“I don’t care about that,” Doug said flatly, “So don’t even try and argue.”

Jack gave him an unimpressed look that quickly turned into a small smile. “Thank you.”

“One problem,” Doug groaned, looking down at Jack’s new phone. 

“What is it?” Jack asked.

“Passcode,” Doug said. “Do you remember it?”

Jack looked back at Doug blankly, groaning as he squeezed his eyes shut – as smile suddenly growing on his face. “1,2,3,4.”

“You’re kidding,” Doug laughed.

“Try it.”

Doug shook his head, trying the numbers that Jack suggested, almost laughing to himself as the passcode worked. “You need a better passcode.”

“I do now you know it.”

“I’m actually embarrassed for you.”

“What’s yours – 10,17?” Jack laughed.

Doug looked at Jack, a look of surprise on his face.

Jack noticed the look. “You seem like the sort of person that would use their birthday.”

“You remember when my birthday is?” Doug smiled.

Jack looked at him, the same stunned look now covering his face. “I guess,” he smiled. “October 17. Am I right?”

“About my birthday – yes,” Doug nodded. “But it’s not my passcode.”

“It’s your year of birth,” Jack teased.

“Never you mind,” Doug shook his head, handing Jack his phone, keeping hold of Jack’s hand, helping him hold it close enough to look at it properly. “It should have all of your messages, photos, notes – everything.”

Realising what he had in his hands, Jack went silent, no longer able to laugh and joke. This could be the key to his memories – a way of reminding himself. He realised that Doug knew it too – the cost of a new phone being insignificant if it helped Jack remember their life together.

“Do you think it will work?” Jack asked.

“I hope so,” Doug said softly. “But if it doesn’t we will keep trying. No pressure.”

Jack nodded, appreciating Doug’s words. “I hope so too.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andie sat down, watching as one of the more senior doctors whose name she had seen on Jack’s paperwork sat down opposite her, almost completely hidden by the desk between them.

“Thank you for coming to see me,” the doctor said as she looked down at the papers on her desk briefly. “I know it must be difficult for you at the moment with your residency and everything with your brother.”

Andie shrugged slightly. “I’m used to being tired,” she smiled softly.

“I wanted to get together and discuss your brother’s care and progress.”

“Should I be worried?” Andie asked, wondering why she had been called to meet in the doctor’s office, suddenly wishing that she had brought someone with her.

“No,” the doctor smiled. “Everything is looking good. I wanted to talk to you about next steps.”

“Meaning what exactly?”

“Meaning putting a plan in place to ready Jack for leaving the hospital.”

“Leaving?” Andie said surprised. “Do you think he’s ready?”

“No, not yet,” the doctor smiled, knowing that Andie too believed it was too soon. “But I feel confident that given another couple of weeks it is something we could be realistically considering as long as all the groundwork has been completed beforehand.”

Andie nodded, understanding. “What are the main areas of concern?”

“Initially it was Jack’s head injury, but things are looking very positive.”

“His speech is not there yet,” Andie said, wondering if the doctor had spent any time with Jack to know that. “He’s a teacher – an English teacher. It’s really important he gets back as much of his speech as possible.”

The doctor nodded. “I understand. I have been speaking to our speech therapy team. They have agreed to set some appointments to work with him. I sent over his notes and they feel confident that they can help him towards a full recovery. Jack has been very lucky to have you and his friends. The way you have all been encouraging him to talk and been patient with him has made a huge difference.”

“We’ve just been doing what we can.”

“This isn’t going to be a quick fix but the good news is, in a number of patients, Speech Aphasia has the potential to remedy itself. Jack will likely need to keep up appointments even after he has left the hospital. The more he practices the easier he will find it.”

“What else needs to be worked on?” Andie asked, knowing that Jack was already fed up with being in hospital. If she could give him something to work on, to focus on as a goal, then hopefully he would have something positive to work towards.

“Jack has a mild case of Dysphagia. You may have noticed his difficulty in swallowing when he eats.”

Andie nodded, she had noticed his aversion to eating recently and figured that was why.

“Again, it’s improving though he seems reluctant. I think that most of it is caused by anxiety but with encouragement and support, again I think we can tackle this. He was intubated for a number of days so this isn’t something that has come as a surprise. Though there should no longer be any pain or discomfort, things will feel foreign to him. And just like with his speech, head injuries can affect people like this sometimes.”

“It just takes time,” Andie said, anticipating the doctor saying it herself.

“We’ll review all of Jack’s medication as times goes on. We are hoping that there will be no major issues associated with Jack losing one of his kidneys. As I’m sure you’re aware, one kidney is capable of doing almost the work of two when needed but we’ll keep an eye on things, particularly his blood pressure. As long as Jack goes back to having a healthy lifestyle I don’t anticipate any real problems.”

“Do you have concerns about his memory?” Andie asked, realising that the doctor was moving down a relatively lengthy list.

The doctor smiled. “The memory is a funny thing. From what I can tell, Jack’s memory is mostly intact, with only the most recent few months being an issue. It may well be that those memories don’t come back. It could be that they come back slowly when he is reminded of things. They could all come flooding back. It’s impossible to say, but the fact that he is now remembering the accident is a good sign. It’s more likely that the memories are hidden rather than missing.”

Andie nodded, relieved to hear that, hoping that at least some of this life of recent months would come back – they seemed to have been the happiest months of his adult life. She did not want him to have no memory of that.

“The main hurdle now is getting his movement back. He has the full range of movement, but obviously his body has been severely weakened and messages from the brain are not always faultless. I have arranged for him to start some light physical therapy, but until he is out of his casts it’s not going to be possible to do everything that’s needed.”

“What does that mean?” Andie asked. “That he can’t go home until the casts are removed? That could be several weeks still.”

“It means that in order to be released from hospital, Jack will need somewhere suitable to go,” the doctor said simply. “Does Jack live with anyone?”

“No,” Andie shook her head. “He lives alone, but at the moment his friend and her grandmother are staying at his house. I don’t think they’re in any hurry to get back to New York.”

“That’s good. Jack is going to need a lot of assistance, particularly to begin with. It Jack’s home an apartment or house?”

“House,” Andie answered, suddenly realising the problem. “With stairs.”

“To begin with I would be very uncomfortable suggesting that Jack will be able to manage stairs.”

“My apartment is on the second floor. We would have the same problem there.”

“I would strongly suggest looking into ways to make Jack’s home more accessible. It’s fantastic that there are people there to help, but he needs to be increasing his mobility, not decreasing. Otherwise his stay in hospital will be prolonged. I’m sure I don’t need to explain to you why that would be less than favourable for all concerned.”

“I understand. To be honest, he’s already beginning to climb the walls.”

“So I’ve heard,” the doctor laughed. “Please be assured that we’re doing everything within our power to get him home as soon as possible. We just need to be sure it’s safe for him to leave.”

“I’ll make sure things are ready for him,” Andie nodded, no idea how to make that happen, but adamant that she would.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack looked around the room, taking in a deep breath. He had not expected this many people to be in attendance. There was no need for so many people to be crammed into such a small room first thing in the morning – unless they were all out for blood. His blood. A shiver ran down his spine, suddenly even more grateful for Doug’s sweater both keeping him warm and offering much needed comfort. He glanced over to the man next to him, the school principal, also looking a little nervous._

_“This is ridiculous,” Jack shook his head._

_“It will be fine,” James replied._

_“It’s like a circus in here.”_

_“They may be after a show but they won’t be getting one,” James said. “I’ve submitted our paperwork to the schoolboard. It’s an open and shut case.”_

_Jack laughed slightly. “This is Capeside.”_

_“I don’t care where it is. We’re right.”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head, leaning in a little closer. “You may be right, but I’m gay. That’s all they see.”_

_“Then we need to make them see things differently,” James said adamantly, eyes fixed on the members of the schoolboard filing into the room, sitting down before them all. “Here we go.”_

_“I would like to thank everyone for coming this morning,” One of the board members said, getting everyone’s attention. “Though I must say that I am surprised to see such a turn out for a discussion of Walt Whitman – I’m sure he would be pleased to know he is still so popular amongst his fellow Americans.”_

_“With all due respect,” one of the parents in the room said, “I don’t think this is a matter to make light of.”_

_“No one is making light of anything,” another board member clarified. “However, we are all slightly puzzled by the sudden objection to Mr. Whitman’s work, considering his poetry has been taught at Capeside High in one form or another for decades.”_

_“We have an objection to the content of the poems,” one mother said from deep within the crowd._

_“Is the content something you have only just become aware of?” the first board member asked. “I don’t believe it’s changed since you yourself would have studied it.”_

_“No, the content has not changed,” an angry looking father replied, glancing over at Jack before continuing. “But other things have. I do not believe the content is appropriate for impressionable minds.”_

_Jack could feel the anger growing inside him. “Could you be more specific?” he asked, causing almost every set of eye in the room to fall on him._

_“You know damn well what I’m talking about,” the father said angrily._

_“No, I don’t,” Jack replied simply, unwilling to back down._

_“I do not feel it is right for the minds of impressionable teens to be filled with depraved ideas.”_

_“You mean war?” Jack asked, trying to ignore the smile fleetingly gracing James face before he quickly pushed it away._

_“Are you being purposely insolent?”_

_“Settle down,” the board member demanded. “You will show Mr. McPhee some respect otherwise you will have to leave.”_

_“That man does not deserve our respect,” another parent joined in. “It is bad enough that the schoolboard turned a blind eye to his recruitment, but this is the final straw. How can I send my son to school knowing he is going to be faced with a gay teacher teaching gay poems?”_

_The room erupted into conversation. The voices of disagreement being drowned out by the roar of those in support of the statement. Jack sat back in his chair, shaking his head. He should have known better than to have opened his mouth, but he equally could not just sit there and say nothing when he knew that this was an attack on him far than it was on any form of poetry._

_“It’s just a poem,” one parent tried to reason; trying to calm the crowd._

_“But we all know that Mr. McPhee has a history when it comes to poetry,” another parent mocked, causing a ripple of sniggering and laugher amongst those familiar with Jack’s high school experience._

_Jack knew it should not still hurt. It should not matter what anyone thought of him – now or back then. But it did matter. It did hurt. One of the most painful and confusing moments in his life being the source of amusement. He had had enough. It’s not as though this particular part of the course was important to him. There were better poems out there. He knew that. But this was about the principle of the matter. The wider context. The students in his class needing some kind of representation in what they were forced to endure as they stumbled through the education system. But he was tired of having to be the one to fight. His own fight was tough enough without having to take on everyone else’s._

_“So do I take it that you would therefore like all poetry struck from the curriculum?” one of the board members asked sternly, having had just about enough._

_“No one is saying that,” one of the parents protested, as though the assertion was completely absurd. “Just the gay poems.”_

_“Poems do not have sexual orientation,” James chimed in finally, standing from his seat, having heard quite enough. “Whitman has been on the reading list for decades without a single raised concern from a single parent – including many of you here today who have already had older children complete the course that you are now finding issue with. So, at least to me, if not to the board as a whole, it is clear that your issue is not with Mr. Whitman but in fact with Mr. McPhee.” James glanced down at Jack, noticing that he was looking like he wished the ground would open up and consume him whole. “I am going to make one thing perfectly clear to all of you. Mr. McPhee is an exceptional teacher. His sexual orientation is no more your business than my own is, or any other member of the faculty. So no matter what is decided today – whether you succeed in removing Whitman from the classroom, you will not succeed in removing Mr. McPhee. Not while I’m still Principal of Capeside High.”_

_The room fell quiet – eyes darting from person to person, waiting for the next person to take stand and front an attack. Jack remained silent, praying that the hoards would not suddenly turn on James. Having already experienced the Capeside masses taking down a high school principal during his own time at Capeside High._

_“Thank you, Principal Morris,” one of the board members spoke, trying to calm the situation. “The board received the paperwork on behalf of the school, and has also considered the arguments made by a number of parents. We will momentarily make our decision on the suitability of the course content, but first I would very much like to hear from Mr. McPhee. After all, he is the one that knows the reading list better than anyone.”_

_Jack glanced over at James, terror burning in his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do was to stick his head back up above the trenches again. He pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands, wished his could hide inside it completely – simply curl up and wait for all of this to be over. He knew he should have expected this. Capeside had not changed. It was never going to change. He needed to accept that – in the same way Doug had accepted it. Jack began to wonder if maybe Doug was right all along to stay hidden. If forcing him to come out to Capeside really would ruin the life that he held so dear._

_Jack shook his head, trying to remove all thoughts of Doug. It was just complicating things. Still he could not help but imagine a seventeen year old Doug sitting in English class studying Whitman. He wondered if the words on the page had brought him the same comfort as it had Jack years later – somehow making him feel less alone. Jack knew that even though Doug chose to stay hidden, he did not want the same for Jack. He wanted his voice to be heard. For him to stand up and be counted in a way he could not bring himself to be._

_As though Doug was there with him, his spirit wrapping him in a loving embrace and keeping him strong, he knew he needed to speak up. “This isn’t about me. This is about the quality and breadth of education our students deserve. The types of minds we want to send out into the world – hopefully well-rounded, inclusive individuals with a thirst for knowledge. The texts that we teach on a daily basis include war, acts of violence and hatred, adultery, murder – all without fear of the students somehow being irreversibly altered and brainwashed. Yet a poem about two men is causing a public outcry. There is nothing sexual within the content of the poetry. Certainly no more so than you will find in Romeo & Juliet or Othello. Should we strike those from the curriculum too? Whitman wrote these poems more than 150 years ago, and here we are today, still unable to look beyond the words to see the beauty he intended. Here we are, still listening to him being mocked and used as a tool to mock others.” Jack shrugged. “So I urge the board to make whatever decision you feel is correct. But know this – if you choose to remove Whitman from the reading list, I will be petitioning you to review every single approved text with the same level of scrutiny. And when you have finished, you will need to explain to the students why you chose to reduce the scope of their world. Why you have removed the tools in place to help them make sense of what is going on around them. You, as parents, will need to find a way to fill the hole that Shakespeare, Steinbeck, Orwell, Mark Twain and many others have left in their intellectual and emotional development. You will have to explain to them why you felt that they were not mature enough to handle the complexities and intricacies of the world they find themselves in. You will have to explain why you chose to limit them – all because a poem about love between two men offended you so greatly.”_

_The room fell silent, all eyes fixed on Jack. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, his head spinning – wondering if those words had really fallen out of his mouth in front of his boss, the school board – half the parents of Capeside. The silence was ringing in his ears – deafening him._

_“Mr. McPhee,” one of the board members said, finally breaking the silence, her eyes fixed on him, the corner of her mouth beginning to turn upwards. “I could not agree more. Your students are very fortunate to have you.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen sat next to Jack on his bed, leaning back against his pillow, holding his phone out in front of her, scrolling through photos. Jack had been expecting to see loads of photos of Doug – a photographic timeline of their relationship together, surprised and little frustrated when that was not the case.

“I’m not going to stumble across something explicit, am I?” she joked.

Jack shrugged. “How would I know?”

“Good question,” she laughed, giving his hand a squeeze. “I’ve seen you naked before anyway.”

Jack turned to her questioningly. “You have not.”

“How would you know?” Jen smiled, teasingly. “I’ve not seen Doug naked though.”

“Neither have I – kind of,” Jack smiled.

“Not remembering what your boyfriend looks like naked is probably not going to do wonders for his ego,” Jen said, nudging him slightly. “Maybe best not to dwell on that detail.”

“Maybe I haven’t,” Jack suddenly said questioningly.

“Seen Doug naked?” Jen asked, laughing. “You definitely have.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you tell me everything,” she smiled. “From what I heard you saw him naked on your first date – a couple of times.”

Jack blushed slightly, shaking his head, feeling awkward that Jen knew more of this first time with Doug than he did. “What else?” he asked, deciding he may as well take advantage of the reverse gossip opportunity he had in front of him.

Jen smiled at him softly. “What else did you tell me?” she asked, receiving a nod. “Just that it had taken you by surprise but you were pleased he made a move.”

“It was him?”

“I think he had been dropping hints for a while. You just weren’t getting it. Poor man was getting desperate.”

“Did I know?” Jack asked, trying to find the rest of the words. “About him?”

“That he’s gay?” Jen asked, realising what Jack was trying to say – also noticing that he was still struggling to say Doug’s name. “You knew. His family knew. No one else really.”

“Were people surprised?” Jack asked, trying to imagine how a town like Capeside would take finding out their sheriff was gay.

Jen stopped herself from answering, wondering if she was the right person to have this conversation with. “Maybe this is a question for Doug.”

“Why?” Jack asked, suddenly concerned that Doug had faced a lot of negativity. 

“I just think he’ll be able to answer that better.”

“What happened?” Jack asked, growing more worried.

“Nothing,” Jen replied, feeling the buzz of Jack’s anxiety growing like a forcefield. “He didn’t tell anyone.”

“How?” Jack asked confused, thinking that maybe he was misunderstanding; unable to imagine how Doug could have managed to not tell anyone while dating him for six months.

Jen sighed, wishing she had stuck with her original feeling of letting Doug field these questions. “He wanted to keep things secret.” She immediately regretted her choice of words, realising to someone with no background knowledge the word ‘secret’ seemed harsh.

“Secret?” Jack asked, trying to figure out how that could have worked in a small town like Capeside. “It was a lie?”

“No,” Jen shook her head. “It was not a lie.”

“I was a secret.” Jack said quietly, almost to himself, trying to understand. “Am I still?”

Jen was not sure what to say. She knew that Doug had told people at work and she knew he was not actively hiding it like he had been before, but he was not exactly shouting it from the roof tops either. “More people know that before.”

“Because of this?” Jack asked, referring to his state following the accident.

“Yes,” Jen nodded. 

“Only because of this?”

“Jack, I’m not the right person to be answering these questions,” Jen said apologetically. “But I can tell you this – Doug loves you and the two of you talked about the situation you were in a lot and while you did not always see eye to eye, you made plans for a future together. It was always the intention to tell people. Doug may have been scared about what it could mean for him, but I don’t think he really understood true fear until he thought he was going to lose you. So whether the truth has come out because of this, when maybe it wouldn’t have otherwise, I don’t think he would go back to how things were. Not now. Let this be the one shred of good that has come from this.”

Jack said nothing, unable to respond, staring at the phone in his hands – wondering why Doug would give him something without equipping him with the whole truth, unless maybe he was confident that Jack would find more love than lies within the memory of the phone. 

“Maybe photos are not the best way to remember. Take some time to read the messages. They will probably answer your questions better than I can.”

Jack nodded, hoping Jen was right – tired of all the emotional ups and down of the last week. He just wanted something stable to hold onto. He wanted to be out of bed and out of the room that had become like a prison for him – physically and mentally, knowing that staring at the same walls, pondering the same issues over and over again was unhealthy.

“I need to get out of this room,” he groaned.

“I know. Hopefully soon,” Jen said softly, giving his arm a gently squeeze. “You know I would break you out if I could.”

“Do it,” Jack smiled, leaning into her.

“You were always the pro at sneaking people out. Tell me how it’s done and I’ll see what I can do.”

Jack laughed slightly. “Getting past Grams is easier than nurses.”

“Well, there’s only one Grams." 

The knock on the door made them both look up, watching as Judy walked in with a tray of food.

“Not again,” Jack groaned.

“Lunch time,” she called, keeping a smile plastered across her face. “You eat for me and I won’t tell that handsome man of yours that I found you in bed with a cute blonde.”

“Sorry,” Jen smiled, climbing off the bed, kissing Jack softly on his cheek.

“Trust me, I’ve walked in on worse,” Judy smiled.

“Not in this room,” Jack said quickly, making Jen and Judy laugh.

“No, not in this room,” she winked.

“Give it time,” Jen teased, trying to lighten the mood following their previous conversation. 

“Are you staying for lunch?” Judy asked.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed,” Jen said questioningly.

“I’ve seen you in action. If anyone can get Jack to do as he’s told, it’s you.”

“Bye, Jen,” Jack smiled.

“Sure, I’ll stay,” she grinned sitting down in the chair next to Jack. “What’s on the menu today?”

“We have a plate of ‘I don’t want that,’ with a side of ‘leave me alone’,” Judy joked. 

“Same as yesterday,” Jack replied, trying not to smile but failing slightly. 

“How about I make you a deal?” Judy said, preparing his tray. “If you manage to eat this without moaning more than my three-year-old granddaughter and I’ll try and arrange a treat for you this afternoon.”

“I need more information,” Jack said, his interest spiked.

“You’ll just have to trust me.”

“Morphine?” Jack smiled, jokingly. 

“No more opioids for you,” Judy laughed. “But I promise it will be worth it.”

Jack looked over at Jen, wondering if she had any idea what Judy was talking about.

“Don’t look at me,” Jen shook her head. “I know as little as you.”

Looking back at Judy – the smile still fixed on her face, he sighed. “Fine.”

“Good choice,” she smiled. “You won’t regret it.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug glanced down at his watch, smiling to himself, knowing it was almost time for him to head to the hospital to see Jack. He signed his name on the bottom of the file he had been working on and put it back in his drawer, deciding there was no point starting something else. He wanted to head home and get changed before driving out to the hospital, wanting to make an effort. He locked up his desk, quickly grabbing his jacket from the hook by the door, unable to think of anything but Jack – remembering how easy their conversation had been that morning, as though piece by piece he was beginning to get Jack back.

Stepping out of his office he said a quick goodbye to the few people sat working at their desks, quickly exiting the building and heading towards his car. Unlocking the car, he suddenly had a change of heart, deciding to head back over the street to one of the small grocery stores that he and his deputies frequented often, wondering if he could find something that would make Jack more enthusiastic about eating. 

“Afternoon,” Doug greeted the young cashier as he walked in, receiving a smile in response as he moved further into the store, trying to quickly pick out a few things.

“Afternoon, Sheriff,” said the owner of the store – a man that Doug had known since he was a kid coming in with his father to choose a treat. 

“Jim,” Doug smiled, his good mood showing on his face. “How are you?”

“Not bad,” Jim nodded. “I’ve not seen you in here for a while.”

“It’s been a busy few weeks,” Doug replied, scanning the shelves, picking up a couple of items.

“Looks like you’re going to need a basket,” Jim said, retrieving one from the doorway, returning to Doug and passing it over.

“Thank you,” Doug nodded, wondering why Jim was still hovering. He had always been man of few words, though still managed to make his presence known. As a child Doug remembered being scared of him – finding him more grumpy and temperamental than his own father; often hearing him shouting at members of staff. 

“How are your parents?” Jim asked.

“They’re good,” Doug replied, turning the corner into another aisle, Jim still close behind. “Not had poker night recently?” 

“No, your father seems to be busier now that he’s retired than he ever was before.”

“I think he’s finding his armchair a little too comfortable,” Doug smiled softly, beginning to feel slightly uneasy.

“You know all that junk food is no good for you. You need to find yourself a good woman to cook for you.”

Doug sighed heavily. “I am more than capable of cooking for myself.”

“Nonsense,” Jim said sternly, as though the thought of Doug being culinary capable offended him to the core. “There are tasks in life that men are better suited to and others that woman are made for. That is the way it was intended. That is why men and women belong together.”

“That is a very traditional view,” Doug said through gritted teeth, trying to finish his shopping without losing his temper.

“It’s the correct view,” Jim replied firmly.

“Not for everyone,” Doug said, turning to the other man, having had quite enough – reminding himself that he was no longer the scared kid that he used to be. 

“I’ve been hearing rumours about you recently,” Jim said, standing a little too close, invading Doug’s personal space. Even though he was shorter than Doug, he was a solid man and knew how to stand his ground.

“The word rumour would infer that’s it’s untrue,” Doug replied, grabbing one more item from the shelf, heading back towards the front of the store, placing his basket down on the counter. The girl behind the counter gave him a sympathetic smile.

“I would hope for your sake and the morality of this town that it’s nothing more than rumour,” Jim continued, following after him.

“And how is it exactly that I’m bringing down the morality of Capeside?” Doug asked, not even turning to look at the other man, choosing to look right ahead, eyes fixed on a point on the wall over the top of the cashier’s head.

“Rumour has it that you have been socialising with undesirables,” Jim said, bluntly.

Doug watched as the cashier continued to ring up his items, noticing that she was going as fast as she could, wanting the encounter playing out in front of her to end as quickly as possible. “Undesirables?” Doug almost wanted to laugh, knowing exactly what Jim meant – but remembering how much Jack had gone through as a gay teen in Capeside made him feel more angry.

“You know who I’m talking about. The queer high school teacher,” Jim said with venom.

“That’s $18.64,” the girl behind the counter said softly, her cheeks turning red.

Doug took his wallet from his pocket, pulling out some cash.

“I had hoped for the sake of those poor kids in his classes that the accident had been more serious.”

Doug froze – a red mist forming in front of his eyes, pulling his hand back before he could hand over the cash in his hand.

“Grandad,” he girl behind the desk gasped – Doug suddenly realising who she was.

“How dare you,” Doug growled through gritted teeth.

“He’s an abomination against God,” Jim bit back, a slight flash of apprehension in his eyes seeing Doug’s anger rise.

“Don’t stand there and try to disguise your hatred as Christianity,” Doug shook his head. “Jack is ten times the man you will ever be.”

“So he is your friend?” Jim glared.

“No,” Doug shook his head, putting his wallet back in his pocket. “He’s my boyfriend.”

The disgust on Jim’s face was palpable. “No wonder your father is too embarrassed to show his face at poker.”

“I think it’s got more to do with the fact that he says you’re a cheat and a sore loser,” Doug said dryly, knowing that his comment was not going to help, but made him feel better for a fraction of a second.

“Get out!” Jim shouted loudly, pointing to the door.

“Gladly,” Doug smiled. “I will take my money somewhere else.”

He was pretty sure that Jim was still going off on a tirade as he walked out of the door and back across the street, frustrated that he had waisted ten minutes that he could have spent with Jack and had nothing to show for it. Trying to keep the anger for bubbling up – reminding himself of the grace and dignity that Jack demonstrated on a daily basis. He unlocked his car and quickly climbed in, slamming the door slightly harder than necessary.

He leaned back in his seat, head against the headrest, trying to take a few deep breaths, reminding himself that he would soon be back with Jack and nothing else mattered. Men like Jim meant nothing to him. Wondering how long it would be before he received a call from his parents about the confrontation. He was about to put the key in the ignition when he heard a knock on the window. Opening his eyes suddenly he saw the girl from the store. Slightly confused, he turned the ignition enough to be able to open the window.

“I’m so sorry,” she said quickly. “For my grandad. He’s a fossil,” she rolled her eyes, attempting to smile. “Not everyone thinks like him. I know my grandma doesn’t.”

Doug smiled softly, thinking of Brenda, Jim’s long suffering wife, who had always been quiet but kind. “Thank you.”

The girl lifted up the bag of things Doug had left behind. “Were these for Jack? Mr. McPhee, I mean.”

“Yes,” Doug nodded

“He’s my English teacher,” she smiled. “My favourite teacher. He helped me go from a C- to a B+. He helped me during his free periods and after school for weeks.”

Doug smiled softly, trying to hold back a wave of emotion, realising she was one of the students that Doug had felt slightly jealous of taking up Jack’s time.

“Please take this,” she said, passing the bag through the open window.

“I haven’t paid for that,” Doug reminded.

“No, I have,” she smiled. “Could you tell Mr. McPhee that it’s from Sadie? Tell him that we all miss him and hope he’s back soon.”

“I will,” Doug nodded, taking the bag from her. “Thank you.”

“It’s the least I can do,” she smiled, glancing back over her shoulder to her grandad’s store. Rolling her eyes she thought back to her Grandad’s words. “Wait until grandad finds out I can’t cook.”

Doug could not help but laugh, watching as she turned and headed back into the store, putting his car into drive and heading in the direction of home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Andie knocked lightly on Jack’s door before entering, finding Jack sat in bed, eyes fixed on his cell phone. “Do you have any idea how much you look like a teenager right now?” she laughed.

“Nothing else to do,” he shrugged, continuing to scroll through the photos, unsure what most of them were – most completely mundane, probably once serving a purpose but in no way interesting now.

“You’ve really embodied the overall melancholy and misery that goes hand in hand with being a teenager.”

“Smashed brain,” he mumbled, pointing to his head, but smiling slightly in her direction.

“So that’s it? This is how you’re going to be from now on?” she asked, moving closer. “I seem to remember when we were teenagers we actually spoke.”

“We didn’t have phones.”

“True,” she laughed. “But I didn’t need one, because I had my cool brother.”

Jack looked up at her questioningly. “I was not cool.”

“You were to me,” she smiled softly. “Cool, and brave, and funny.”

“Wrong brother,” he shook his head, returning his attention back to his phone.

Andie shook her head, smiling to herself. “The brother I remember would have preferred to be outside on the football field rather than lounging in bed all day.”

“Smashed brain,” he said again. “And leg, arm, ribs.”

“Right,” she nodded. “I almost forgot. We should just leave you to waste away in this bed.”

“Yes,” he nodded, not even looking at her.

“Just let you revert to being a more stereotyped version of the teen you once were.”

“Good plan.”

Andie sighed dramatically, heading towards the door, opening it slightly. “So I guess I should tell Judy that all the effort she put into convincing the doctors to let us take you outside for a while was just wasted energy.”

Jack looked up at her, wondering if he was misunderstanding what she was saying – still struggling with longer sentences, especially when delivered so sarcastically. As Andie opened the door a little further, Jack saw Judy appear in the doorway pushing a wheelchair.

“Really?” he asked, the excitement clear on his face. He dropped his phone down onto his bed, pushing back the sheets eagerly.

“Hold your horses,” Judy laughed. “Let’s not run before we can walk – literally.”

“Now?” he asked, suddenly finding it hard to find the words he wanted in all the excitement. 

“Slow down,” Andie laughed. “This is going to take a while for us to get you ready.”

“But now?” he asked again.

“Yes, now,” Judy smiled, placing her hand on his arm, trying to keep him calm. “Take a couple of deep breathes. I’m going to need you to focus and listen to me.”

Jack nodded, once again unable to find words, trying to ignore his frustration and remember to focus on what was needed. 

“Now, we are going to struggle to get anything over that cast on your leg, so how do you feel about wearing your gown? we can put some blankets on your legs to keep you warm and put on one of the sweaters your friend brought you to make you look a little more yourself.”

Jack smiled, nodding again.

Judy grabbed his chart from the doorway, checking when he last had any pain relief. “How are you feeling? Do you need any more pain meds?”

“No,” he said softly. “Let’s go.”

“Is he always like this?” Judy asked Andie, rolling her eyes dramatically. “He’s gone from an old mut that needs to be put to sleep to a crazed puppy.”

“That’s Jack,” Andie smiled, relieved to see the joy on his face.

“Okay,” Judy said, standing next to Jack’s bed. “Listen carefully. I am going to raise the head of the bed a little so you’re more upright. Then I’m going to help you swivel round to get your legs over the side. When you’re ready I will help you edge forward. I want you to put your good foot flat on the ground and we will help you stand, turn slightly and then straight down into the chair. Do you understand?”

Jack nodded, suddenly feeling a little nervous but determined. 

Judy smiled, glancing over at Andie, letting her know to be prepared, knowing this was not going to be as easy as Jack hoped. Finding the controls for the bed, she pressed the button to raise Jack into an upright position – more upright than he had been for over two weeks. “How are you doing?”

Jack nodded, his eyes closed, trying to ignore the fact he felt a little lightheaded.

“Couple of deep breaths. You let me know when you’re ready to continue.”

“I’m okay,” Jack said, sooner than Judy would have liked.

Moving the sheets down off of his legs, Judy gestured for Andie to move to the other side of Jack’s bed, having already talked her through ways she may need to help. “I’m going to lift your legs slightly and move them over the edge. I will need you to shuffle round slightly as I do that. You sister will be behind you to help support you if you need it.”

Jack nodded, watching as Judy did exactly as she had described. He pushed the palm of his uncast hand against the bed, using it to try and help support himself as he turned slightly. After a few moments he was on the edge of the bed, his legs hanging over. He could feel Andie’s hands on his back, stopping him from falling back, aware that he was swaying slightly.

“Well done,” Judy beamed, encouraging him. “Need to take a break?” she asked.

“No,” he said, fearful that if he stopped he may not make it the rest of the way. He felt lightheaded, feeling slightly nauseous. 

Andie glanced up at Judy slightly worried, receiving a soft smile and nod in return. “You can change your mind at any point,” Andie said softly.

“Out,” was all Jack could manage, fighting to take deep breaths. 

Judy stood in front of Jack, holding his shoulders. “Andie, come round here and we’ll get Mr. Stubborn into the chair.”

Andie laughed slightly, moving round to Jack’s side, holding onto his arm. 

“Jack, listen to me carefully. I want you to shuffle forward very slowly until the toes of your foot touch the floor. If you need me to move the bed up or down you just give me a signal.”

Jack nodded, shuffling slowly towards the edge and finding the floor with his toes. It felt cold and hard – the feeling sending messages to his brain that seemed so foreign. 

“Good, stop there,” Judy smiled. “You’re doing great. Now when you shuffle this time, turn ever so slightly so only this foot is on the floor. I don’t want you putting any weight on the other leg.”

Jack nodded, again doing as he was told until his foot was flat against the floor, smiling slightly.

“I’m going to take one arm and Andie is going to take the other and we’re going to help you stand on that one leg only. Once you’re up I’m going to turn you slightly and get you into that chair as quickly as possible.”

“Yes,” Jack breathed, feeling the two women take hold of him firmly, suddenly extremely grateful for their presence as he leg shook underneath him the moment he tried to put any weight on it. 

“That’s it,” Judy encouraged. “You’ve got this. Now turn,” she said quickly.

Jack felt his body twist slightly, no idea if he had any part to play in the movement.

“And down,” Judy said a split second before he felt his body drop into the chair waiting for him. “You did it.”

“Well done,” Andie smiled, leaning over and giving him a quick hug. 

Suddenly feeling incredibly lightheaded he felt a blanket be placed over his legs, the voices of the women in the room fading in and out as he fought to stay present.

“Deep breaths,” Judy encouraged, seemingly already knowing what was about to happen as she held a bowl in front of his face a split second before he vomited. “That’s it,” she said softly, rubbing the top of his back. “Everything’s okay.”

He struggled to take some deep breaths, looking up at Judy as she removed the bowl, returning with a cup of water. “You knew.”

“I had a hunch,” she smiled, holding the cup to Jack’s lips so he could take a small sip. “I’m still impressed.” 

“Sadist.”

“You said you wanted to go outside,” she smiled, opening the cupboard and pulling out Jack’s brown sweater. “This looks nice and warm.”

Jack smiled slightly in agreement.

“I just want to check your blood pressure first and then we’ll finish getting you ready.”

“Not getting back in bed,” Jack forced out.

Judy simply smiled over to Andie before returning her attention to Jack. “Then you better hope you pass this one final test,” she smiled, wrapping the cuff around his arm. “I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug went straight to Jack’s room as he always did, finding himself stood alone in an empty room, looking around for clues as to where Jack could have gone – knowing full well that he was incapable of simply getting up and wandering off alone. He had stood like that; waiting alone for a few minutes until a passing nurse spotted him, suggesting that he should try looking in the hospital’s garden. A smile firmly on his face, forgetting his experience in the store shortly before, he left his bag of groceries on the chair and headed outside.

The air was cool but the sun was still bright – warm when stood out of the shade. He stepped out further into the garden, having never been aware that it was even there before. He looked around for signs of Jack, hearing laughter before he actually spotted him – his eyes drawn to a sunny clearing between two tall trees; Jack sat in a wheelchair between Andie and Judy. Doug tried to compose himself before making his presence known, trying to move past the shock of seeing how pale Jack’s skin looked in the sunlight.

“What’s this?” Doug smiled as he approached. “A jail break?”

“Call it early release for good behavior,” Andie replied, spotting Doug first.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Doug teased, leaning down and kissing Jack – having wondered on the walk over if he would have the nerve to do it in front of everyone, relieved when he had that he had made the right choice.

“Hi,” Jack greeted, looking tired. “I ate lunch,” he explained.

“That’s all it took?” Doug replied. “Judy’s going soft on you,” he smiled in her direction, silently thanking her for whatever she had done to make this possible. Even though he looked tired, it was the happiest he had seen Jack since the accident.

“She has a crush,” Jack grinned, closing his eyes for a moment, enjoying the sunshine on his skin.

“Please; I have shoes older than you,” Judy laughed.

“You need new shoes,” Jack smiled softly, eyes still closed.

Doug glanced over at Andie and then to Judy, trying to figure out if Jack was okay. 

“Someone is getting a little tired,” Andie said softly, answering Doug’s unspoken question.

“I’m still here,” Jack said, hating when he was talked about him like he was not there.

“Just about,” Doug replied.

“I think it may be time to head back inside,” Judy said softly, standing from the bench next to Jack.

“Not yet,” Jack protested softly, finally opening his eyes. “I’m fine.”

“You look tired,” Andie added.

“I’d rather be tired sat out here than tired back inside.”

“How about Andie and I head back inside and get things sorted, give you a little time together, then Doug can bring you back in so I have time to get you back in bed and sorted before I head home?” Judy offered.

“Deal,” Jack agreed.

“Twenty minutes and I want you back inside,” Judy said, looking at her watch. “Otherwise I’ll call security,” she teased, looking at Doug. “Don’t be late.”

“I promise,” Doug laughed, putting hand over his heart.

“I’m leaving you in charge,” Judy said in response.

“Yeah right,” Jack grinned, making them all laugh.

“I’ll see you in twenty minutes,” Judy called back over her shoulder, as she walked away, followed by Andie.

“This is a nice surprise,” Doug said, sitting down on the bench previously occupied by Judy.

“I can actually breath,” Jack smiled.

Doug smiled, taking hold of Jack’s hand, suddenly noticing his sweater. “It’s nice to see you up.”

Jack looked back at Doug; the man that he been in his thoughts all day. The man whose words he had been reading – the man whose absence from photos on his cell phone confused him until Jen had explained. “You kissed me.”

“When?” Doug asked confused.

“Just now,” Jack replied, referring to when Doug had arrived.

“I did,” Doug nodded, wondering what else he was supposed to say.

“Why?” 

Doug paused for a moment, wondering what Jack meant – suddenly concerned that they had taken a step backwards.

“In front of people,” Jack explained. “Why?”

Doug sighed, realising what Jack meant. Relieved that Jack had not regressed while also realising that Jack now knew the part of their relationship that he had not mentioned. “Because I love you.”

“In private.”

“Not anymore.”

“Because I nearly died?” Jack asked simply.

“Because I realised I was wrong,” Doug replied. “And stupid, and being a coward. Because I realised that the only thing that matters is you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve never been more sure of anything,” Doug replied, gently rubbing his thumb over the palm of Jack’s hand as he continued to hold it.

“For you. Not me,” Jack said – not wanting Doug to make a decision based purely on him.

“For us,” Doug corrected.

Jack nodded still not looking completely convinced.

“Jack,” Doug said softly, moving a little closer, taking a deep breath, feeling the emotion he had been pushing down beginning to find its way out. “After your accident, when I saw you,” he shook his head, taking a deep breath, a tear slipping from his eye. “I was terrified. I felt like something inside of me broke. There was this realisation that without you I would never to truly happy again. Without you my life is pointless.”

“No,” Jack shook his head.

Doug wiped another tear from his face. “I don’t think you understand. If I had lost you, I would have had no one but myself to blame for no one ever knowing how I feel about you. My heart would have been shattered; I would not have been able to go on and no one would have known why. Because I was too afraid, or proud maybe to tell the world the truth. Not that I’m gay – because honestly that bit doesn’t matter. It makes no difference. But the fact that I am so completely in love with you? That’s the important bit. That’s the bit that should never have been hidden.”

Jack held onto Doug’s hand a little more tightly, watching with surprise when more tears fell. “It’s okay,” he said, almost a whisper, not used to seeing Doug like this – wondering if there were moments like this missing from his memory or if the stoic persona he found naturally came to mind was more true. Even though he was not sure, and the thought of Doug hurting caused him pain too, he was pleased to see a softer side. 

“When you woke up, I have never been more relieved in my whole life. But when you looked at me the way you did. I started believe that this was the universe’s way of punishing me for treating you so badly.”

“I’m sorry,” Jack said softly, wishing he could take away the pain.

“You have nothing to apologise for,” Doug shook his head softly.

“Why didn’t you say before?”

“I don’t want to make this about me,” Doug confessed, feeling slightly embarrassed. “I just want to focus on you getting better.”

“It’s about us,” Jack said with a smile, reminding Doug of his words for a few minutes before. “It’s valid.”

“The accident has made you soft,” Doug laughed, wiping the remaining tears away. 

“Apparently I love you,” Jack shrugged, smiling a little. “According to Jen.”

“I’ve always liked her."

Jack took a deep breath, wondering if he could make sense of the pictures in his head. “I remember.”

“You remember what?” Doug asked.

“Sitting on your couch. We had been somewhere. I don’t remember that bit.” Jack said, concentrating, trying to get the words he wanted out. “You cooked. You were wearing a blue T-shirt. Smelt like red wine. You kissed me.”

“You remembered that today?” Doug asked, receiving a nod in response. 

“Is it real?”

“A real memory?” Doug said, nodding. “It sounds like our first kiss.”

Jack smiled softly; his eyes closed as though he was playing the memory again. “I thought so.”

Jack’s eyes still closed, Doug leaned forward, lips finding Jack’s as they had in the memory, kissing him with the same need and desire he had the very first time, once again trying to show Jack that he had nothing to doubt, nothing to question, nothing to worry about. He did not even care that they were outside and that anyone could see them.

He pulled back slightly, feeling Jack’s lips follow his, his chin lifting, not wanting to let the moment go. Giving into Jack’s will, Doug kissed him a moment longer, eventually pulling away, leaving a final soft kiss on Jack’s lips.

“Was that real enough?” Doug said softly. 

“I want to remember more.” 

“You will,” Doug replied, believing it for the first time. He reached out and stroked Jack’s cheek. “You feel cold.”

“I’m fine,” Jack said, worried that Doug would make him go back inside.

Doug stood up and shrugged off his jacket, wrapping it around Jack’s shoulders.

“I’m fine,” Jack repeated, though did not resist when Doug helped him sit forward enough to slide the jacket behind him. 

“It’s the best option for keeping you warm right now. Unless you want to go back inside.”

Jack looked at Doug with an odd expression on his face as though he was trying to place part of a memory that Doug’s words stirred up, shaking his head slightly, unable to pull the pieces together.

“What is it?” Doug asked, wondering what Jack was remembering.

“I don’t know,” Jack shook his head, giving up. 

As Doug reached out and took Jack’s hand, lacing their fingers together, a bolt of electricity shot through him, bringing the pieces of the memory to life. In that second he could remember the smell of a campfire, cold air all around him, but feeling warm – heated from the inside out. His eyes widened as the memory played out in his head.

Doug looked at him, watching as Jack’s cheeks went from deathly pale to pink and flushed. He could not help but smile at the slightly embarrassed look on Jack’s face. “What have you remembered?”

“You keeping me warm,” Jack explained. “Different method. Outside.”

Doug tried to think what Jack meant, suddenly remembering their night under the stars at the cabin. His eyebrows raised as he smiled. “Good choice of memory.”

Jack laughed slightly, eyes closing again, letting the memory playout with great interest. “I’m so tired.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded. “Few more minutes and I’ll get you back inside.”

“Little longer,” Jack begged, his fingers tightening around Doug’s – every touch igniting the reformation of memories. “I’m not ready yet.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded, knowing he would do whatever Jack asked.

A few minutes passed in silence and Doug grew worried that Jack had fallen asleep, wondering how they would manage to get him back into bed if that was the case. He began moving his hand from Jack’s only to find Jack pulled him closer. “I thought you were asleep.”

Jack shook his head, eyes still closed, taking a deep breath, concerned he would not get his words out. “Did I throw something,” he asked, eyes finally opening. “At you?”

Doug could not help but laugh. “Not at me,” he smiled. “But definitely because of me.”

Jack looked at him questioningly. 

“That’s a conversation for another day,” Doug smiled, standing up. “Let’s get you back in before Judy comes looking for us.”

“Do you have to go?”

“No,” Doug shook his head. “I’ll stay until someone kicks me out.”

**To be continued…**


	11. Like Before

“Three weeks,” Jack groaned, sitting up in his bed, eyes fixed on Andie as she paced the room trying to explain.

“You weren’t even conscious for the first week,” she argued.

“I’ve had enough now.”

“Jack, I know,” she sighed. “Believe me; I know.”

“I want my own bed,” he said softly, knowing it was not Andie’s fault. “Actually, no, I don’t want to be in bed.”

“Which is probably lucky because I don’t think you will be able to make it to your bed for a while. You can’t manage the stairs.”

“I’ll find a way,” he replied adamantly.

“And break your neck trying and end up right back in the hospital,” Andie shook her head. “This is not the time to be stubborn, Jack.”

Jack groaned, leaning back against his pillow. “Sorry. I know. But I can’t stay forever.”

“You won’t have to,” Andie said softly, finally standing still, sitting down on the edge of Jack’s bed. “I promise I’ll do whatever I can to get you home as soon as possible but I think you are underestimating how tough it’s going to be and how long it’s all going to take to get back to normal.”

Jack nodded; he knew she was right. He had tried not to think about it but the more he tried to ignore it, the more the thoughts invaded his head. As much as he wanted to get home, hoping that would be a big step back towards normality, he knew that he was still a long way off his former life – unsure what was going to happen with the job he loved or what any of this meant for his relationship with Doug. As supportive as he had been, Jack wondered how long that could be maintained, wondering if it was inevitable that eventually it would all be too much. It left him feeling both eager and terrified to get back to his life. All he knew was that he was going crazy stuck in the hospital.

“I’m scared I won’t get back to normal,” he confessed. “Everything I worked for will be gone.”

“No,” Andie shook her head. “You can’t think like that.”

“I can’t help it,” Jack said quietly, a tear escaping from his eye. “It’s not fair. I finally felt things were working out. Now it’s gone.” 

“Nothing’s gone,” Andie disagreed. “Somethings may be on pause but nothing is gone. You will get back to work, you will start feeling like yourself again, and if anything, things with Doug have progressed.”

“What if it’s not the same now?” Jack asked, speaking the words that tormented him. “I don’t even really remember how things were.” 

“I thought things were coming back?” Andie asked, wondering what it was that was concerning him. 

“Some,” he agreed. “I don’t know what’s still missing.”

“The important things are there. I see how you look at him – the way he looks at you. Whatever you don’t remember shouldn’t stop you from moving forward.”

“I’m being stupid,” Jack blushed.

“No, you’re not,” Andie said softly. “I get it. Trust me. When I got out of Mayfield I was terrified. I did not feel like the same person. Some of the things I had done before felt so foreign to me that I may as well have been a different person. It takes time, but things will work out.”

“I seem to remember a relationship nosedive,” Jack smiled softly, knowing that Andie was long over the whole mess that ensued after her return to Capeside. 

“Well, that was a different McPhee/Witter combination,” she shrugged, giving his hand a squeeze. “I have a lot more hope for you and Doug.”

“How long were you at Mayfield?” Jack asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Far longer than you’re going to be here,” she smiled. “I promise.”

“I hope so.”

“You’re doing really well. Your speech is getting better every day.”

Jack scrunched his nose slightly, knowing that she was right, but also knowing that she had noticed one of the main words he was struggling to get out. “Except his name.”

Andie smiled sympathetically, wondering if Jack would bring up the topic that no one had wanted to raise.

“I don’t know why,” Jack added. “Four stupid letters.”

“Maybe you’re putting too much pressure on yourself. Try not to worry about it.”

“He’s noticed,” Jack sighed. “I know.”

“I think he wouldn’t care if you never said his name again as long as you’re okay.”

“He may not have a choice,” Jack laughed despite the situation. 

“Give it time.”

“I should get that tattooed on me,” Jack rolled his eyes.

“No – no tattoos,” Andie said firmly. “You’ve marked your body enough for a lifetime.”

“Do I look bad?” Jack asked, wanting honesty.

“Not at all,” she replied warmly. “Looking better each day.”

There was a knock at the door before it opened. Judy walked in pushing a wheelchair. 

“Your chariot awaits.”

“Where are we going today?” Jack asked. 

“I was thinking we could go on a joyride into Boston. Grab a coffee – check out a few grad students.”

“Sounds great,” Jack grinned. “I know a cafe with a view.”

“I bet you do,” Judy laughed. “I was thinking we could swing by your physiotherapy session first – flex a few muscles, get you looking your best.”

“There’s the catch.”

“I can’t make Boston a reality but I can arrange lunch in the garden if you behave yourself.”

“Deal,” Jack nodded. 

“Well, that was easier than I had anticipated,” Judy said, looking over at Andie

“I need to climb stairs,” Jack explained.

“I don’t think that’s on the agenda for today’s session,” Judy sympathised.

“Seems you’re stuck with me then,” he shrugged before looking at his sister, hoping that she knew that he appreciated everything she was doing for him. 

“I can live with that,” Judy replied, realising what the siblings had been discussing. “Now, why don’t you impress your sister with how well you can get into this chair without vomiting.”

Jack rolled his eyes slightly before smiling. “Let’s do it.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pacey looked around the room – all of them sat in Jack’s living room; feeling almost guilty for being there without him. It was obvious to everyone that Jack wanted to come home as soon as possible and Pacey had been really impressed by how much effort he was putting into getting himself to the point that it would be possible. The least he could do was help get Jack’s home ready for him. But as positive as everyone was trying to be, he was struggling to think of a way to make it work. If Jack was unable to safely climb the stairs it gave them limited options as he would be mostly confined to the living room.

“Am I the only one thinking that this may not be possible?” Pacey asked, eyes fixed on the floor, not wanting to see the look on anyone’s faces. 

Jen put her hand on his shoulder but did not say anything. She had been thinking the same thing for days.

“It doesn’t have to be perfect,” Andie said, walking around the room, eyes fixed on Doug, hoping he would bring the positivity that was missing from the room. “It just needs to work for a week or two until things improve again.”

“Do you not think that maybe things will improve faster if he just stays in the hospital one more week?” Pacey asked, feeling as though he was betraying both his friend and brother. “You know – with people that know how to help him.”

“He’s going crazy,” Doug said simply, knowing that Pacey was right but worried about the impact it would have on his mental state.

“He has to come home sometime,” Andie added. “Whenever that is it’s going to be difficult.”

“Why don’t we just focus on what’s needed,” Jen said simply, feeling as though they were going to end up going around in circles.

“Yes, sorry,” Pacey nodded. “I’m not meaning to write off this idea before we’ve even tried.”

Andie smiled softly, again glancing back at Doug, glad that everyone was back on side. “He needs somewhere to sleep that is not upstairs. He needs to be able clear space to be able to move around. He may still have his wheelchair for a while. He needs to be able to get to and use the bathroom,” Andie listed. “They are the key things.”

Pacey took a deep breath, standing from the couch, walking around the room – knowing that everyone was watching him. “If upstairs is out of bounds that only really leaves this room. It doesn’t give a lot of privacy and he can’t sleep on the couch every night,” he said, trying not to sound too negative while still being realistic. “We could try and put a bed in here, but it’s not going to leave enough space for him to be able to move around. And let’s not forget that Jen and Grams are here too.”

“We’ll just work around whatever Jack needs,” Jen said, knowing that it would not be easy but happy to do whatever was best for Jack.

“And the bathroom?” Pacey shook his head. “Do you think a wheelchair will even get into the one downstairs?”

“He could probably manage,” Doug said, not sounding as hopeful as he intended. 

“Can we please just remember that this is just short term?” Andie reiterated. “Once he’s able to manage the stairs safely this won’t be an issue.”

“How long do you think that will be?” Jen asked.

“I don’t know,” Andie sighed. “With his leg and wrist in a cast and his ribs still pretty painful – It’s hard to tell.”

“My concern is that he’s going to be impatient and push himself too hard,” Doug voiced. “Once he sets his mind on something none of us are going to be able to convince him otherwise.”

“So basically we are dealing with an adult sized toddler?” Pacey laughed. “Not stable on his feet, prone to falling over and stubborn as hell.”

Doug could not help but laugh. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“God no – the tantrums are awful at that age,” Pacey grinned, enjoying the smile on his brother’s face.

“Let’s face it, Jack did not buy this house with having a serious accident in mind,” Jen sighed. “Pacey is right, it’s completely impractical.”

“So what do we do – leave him in the hospital until he’s more mobile?” Andie asked.

“If it were my brother I would,” Pacey teased.

“As long as I could remove you from the visitation list I wouldn’t care,” Doug bit back sarcastically. 

“When will you two just admit you love each other?” Jen laughed.

“I will confess my love for Jack before I confess my love for Doug,” Pacey shook his head. “And this would never be a problem with Doug – his apartment is perfect for the lonely senior lifestyle we all expected him to lead. All on one level, wide doorways – perfect for him and his walking frame.”

“Very funny,” Doug rolled his eyes. “Maybe you should buy somewhere similar for yourself or are you planning to live with me in your old age like you did most of your adolescence?”

“Touché,” Pacey nodded, finally sitting back down, once again looking around the room. 

Andie and Jen looked at each other, wondering if the Witters were thinking the same as they were.

“It’s so obvious,” Doug said, eyebrows furrowed in thought. “I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.”

“What?” Pacey asked – the only one in the room still clueless.

“Jack can stay at my place,” Doug said simply.

“Do you think he’ll go for it?” Jen asked.

“We can ask him,” Andie shrugged.

“Surely it’s better than staying at the hospital?” Jen reasoned.

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Pacey teased, receiving an elbow in the ribs from Jen in return.

“I can be there first thing in the morning and the evenings,” Doug said, as though he was trying to figure out if he was missing something.

“I can be there during the day while you’re at work,” Jen added. “Andie and Pacey can come by whenever works for them. Everyone can work, I can still be with Amy, Jack is out of the hospital.”

“And I don’t have to potentially ruin Jack’s house with any attempted DIY,” Pacey added.

“This seems too perfect,” Andie said cautiously. “Are we missing something?”

“I don’t think so,” Doug replied, finally allowing himself to smile. “This could work.”

“When should we talk to Jack?” Jen asked, hoping he would be happy with their suggestion.

“I’m going to the hospital in the morning,” Doug said simply. “Maybe then?”

“I’ll be there too,” Andie nodded. “I can come by before my shift. I’m back on days this week.”

“Perfect,” Doug replied, suddenly feeling excited that he was a step closer to getting Jack back – properly back.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Doug fell back against the pillow beneath him, pulling Jack close. “You’re right. This bed is incredible.”_

_Jack laughed kissing him before resting his head on Doug’s shoulder, running his hand over his bare chest. “Did you doubt me?”_

_“You were pretty drunk when you called that night,” Doug shrugged._

_“Even with a hangover this bed was great to wake up in,” Jack reminisced, looking around the hotel room. “How did you manage to get the same room?”_

_“I have my ways,” Doug replied, receiving raised eyebrows. “Okay, fine – I simply called up the hotel, explained that my boyfriend stayed here a few months ago and I wanted to surprise him with the same room for his birthday.”_

_“No you didn’t,” Jack laughed._

_“What’s so unbelievable about that?”_

_“You phoned the hotel and told them that your boyfriend stayed before?” Jack questioned._

_“Yes,” Doug replied simply._

_“Your boyfriend?” Jack asked again, not believing him._

_“I’m sorry,” Doug smirked. “Is that not what you are?”_

_“Yes,” Jack rolled his eyes slightly. “But I thought that word was strictly to be used within the confines of our homes, preferably with lead lined walls to stop anyone eavesdropping, and even then in hushed tones and only in life or death situations.”_

_“Very funny.”_

_Jack continued to smile, his fingertips tracing patterns over Doug’s skin. “Did you really say I was your boyfriend?”_

_Doug shifted slightly so he could see Jack’s face a little better. “I figured they would probably realise when we turned up together and only needed one key that we were more than business partners.”_

_“True,” Jack nodded. “But you actually said it?”_

_“Yes,” Doug said simply. “Is that okay with you?”_

_“Is it okay with me?” Jack laughed, lifting his head. “You’re kidding, right?”_

_“I just want you to have the best birthday possible,” Doug said, running his hand over Jack’s cheek._

_“I am,” Jack confirmed, pulling the sheets up a little higher around his body. “Now that we’ve put the bed through its paces and you agree that it is in fact incredible, what else do you have planned to mark this special occasion?”_

_“I thought as we’re in Boston that you would want to go back and visit some of you old college haunts, get a few drinks, stumble back here as drunk as you were last time,” Doug said, a mischievous tone to his voice._

_“Really?” Jack asked. “That’s what you had planned?”_

_“Or the second option is that we stay here and try out other features that this room has to offer.”_

_“I’m listening,” Jack grinned._

_“That bathtub looks particularly inviting,” Doug said. “And I seem to remember you saying that you had a thing for room service.”_

_“Chef cooked food delivered to your bed,” Jack said, wide eyed. “What is there not to like about that?”_

_“So I take it you don’t want to go on a tour of Boston? You’re only twenty-five once.”_

_“Been there. Done that. Option two sounds more appealing right now.”_

_“Good. But I know that is just because you don’t want to leave this bed,” Doug teased._

_“I’m in the best bed in Boston, with the second most attractive man in the city…”_

_“Second?” Doug interrupted._

_“Yes,” Jack nodded, a teasing smile spreading over his face. “It’s my birthday. I’m allowed to put myself in first position.”_

_“I guess that makes me very lucky. I get the bed and the most attractive man and it’s not even my birthday.”_

_“And,” Jack said, lifting the sheets and glancing down, grinning playful back at Doug, “I’m already in my birthday suit.”_

_“This really is starting to sound like my birthday,” Doug teased, kissing the other man, gently rolling him onto his back, repositioning himself on top._

_“You make a good point,” Jack said thoughtfully. “Really I should be calling the shots.”_

_“Whatever you want,” Doug smiled, kissing him again, his hands beginning to roam the body he had only recently finished exploring._

_“I like the sound of that,” Jack said seductively between kisses, enjoying the feel of Doug’s body pressed against him, wondering if this was the right moment to try switching things up a little. “Maybe we can try something a little different.”_

_“Different?” Doug mumbled, mouth returning to Jack’s, not wanting to pull away just yet._

_Without saying another word, Jack rolled them over so that he was on top, mouth still pressed against Doug’s. His hand moved down the other man’s side, over his hip, following the curve of his ass down to his thigh, his fingers gripping firm flesh, lifting his leg just enough to give him his desired position. He continued to kiss Doug as he pushed up against him, hand stroking up and down his thigh, watching as realisation of what he was suggesting dawned on Doug’s face, revealing a tentative smile._

_Kissing him again, he felt Doug’s body tense slightly beneath him; eyes closed, the ferocity of the kiss dwindling for just a moment – long enough for Jack to notice but not long enough for him to make complete sense of it. Before he had a chance to question it, Doug’s hands moved to his shoulders, mouth again moving with its usual determination. Jack moved his focus to Doug’s neck, enjoying the change of position, his hands still working their way over the other man, once against feeling his muscle tense._

_“Everything okay?” Jack asked, lifting up a little._

_“Of course,” Doug nodded, his eyes not quite meeting Jack’s, a fixed a smile on his face._

_“Really?”_

_“Yes, sorry – my mind just drifted for a second.”_

_“If you’re not in the mood…” Jack asked, not quite sure how to end his sentence, but not wanting to continue if Doug was not feeling it._

_“No,” Doug said quickly. “Everything’s fine.”_

_Not convinced, Jack tried to read the look on Doug’s face. Everything between them felt so good and natural when it came to the physical side of their relationship that at times it was easy to forget that somethings were still new between them. Jack had no complaints about how things were but had begun to wonder if things between them had become a bit habitual – Doug naturally taking the more dominant role. While Jack was happy with that on the whole, he knew the time would eventually come for them to introduce some variety. Looking at Doug now, Jack suddenly wished he had initiated a conversation about this first. Weeks ago maybe. “I know we haven’t…” he said hesitantly. “Well, we’ve been pretty consistent...”_

_“Jack,” Doug said, hands moving to the other man’s cheeks. “It’s okay. You just caught me off guard – that’s all.”_

_“Are you sure that’s all?”_

_“Absolutely,” Doug replied, kissing him softly, trying to reassure him, trying to return the mood to how it had been, kissing him more deeply._

_Jack smiled against Doug’s lips, giving into the sensation, quickly moving back into his previous mindset, relieved to feel Doug once again relaxed beneath him. His hands once began to explore, his mouth trailing kisses down Doug’s body – along his jaw, down his neck, finding his chest as he continued to move lower. He pushed the bedsheets fully out of his way as his mouth travelled over Doug’s stomach, pausing long enough to glance up at Doug’s face seeing his expression of eager anticipation, before he let his mouth find Doug’s erection, slowly taking in the tip – his tongue running up the length. He loved hearing Doug’s moan, seeing his hands grip the sheets in the periphery of his vision._

_Satisfied that Doug was back on board, he let his hand slip between Doug’s legs, finding the spot he was looking for, gently pushing against the tight muscle – immediately faced with resistance. He let his mouth carry on, his other hand stroking Doug’s thigh in the way he knew always turned him on. This time he persevered a little more, his finger finding its way inside Doug, as his whole body tensed around him. He pulled back, lifting his head to get a better look of Doug’s face, wondering if his mouth was not helping._

_“Relax,” he said softly, moving his finger gently, waiting for Doug to relax into the feeling._

_“Sorry,” Doug muttered softly, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, trying to focus on Jack’s hand on his thigh._

_Jack continued with his endeavor, not once removing his eyes from Doug’s face, wondering if this was the right time for him to have suggested this. Maybe Doug would have felt more comfortable in the comfort of his own home. Testing the water Jack tried to introduce a second finger, instantly feeling Doug’s body fight against the invasion as Doug released a previously suppressed groan. Jack waited a moment before attempting again, this time getting an even more extreme reaction._

_He quickly pulled away, scared that he had hurt him. “I’m sorry.”_

_“No,” Doug said quickly, cheeks flushed. “Don’t apologise. Please.”_

_“Did I hurt you?” Jack asked, feeling awful._

_“No, I’m fine,” Doug replied, eyes once again avoiding Jack’s as his cheeks grew even more flushed._

_Jack looked at him intently, trying to figure out what was going on, eyes widening slightly when he realised; feeling like a complete idiot. He moved back up the bed, his hand finding Doug’s shoulder. “I know we haven’t,” Jack said, trailing off not too sure what to say, “swapped positions,” he finally said, cringing slightly at the sound of his own words. “But have you ever?”_

_Doug took a deep breath, finally managing to look at Jack again. “No.”_

_“Never?” Jack asked, surprised._

_“Never.”_

_Jack looked at him affectionately, shaking his head slightly. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”_

_“I don’t know. I didn’t want to ruin things,” Doug groaned. “But I have anyway.”_

_“No you haven’t,” Jack said sincerely. “This is not a big deal.”_

_“It feels like a big deal,” Doug confessed. “I should have told you right from the beginning. I don’t know why I didn’t.”_

_“I just assumed,” Jack shook his head again. “I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I knew our first time together wasn’t your first time and I just stupidly assumed.”_

_“It’s not that I don’t want to,” Doug said quickly, hoping that Jack did not interpret what had happened the wrong way._

_“You don’t have to explain yourself. I get it,” Jack said, running his hand over Doug’s cheek, lying down next to him. “It’s not a big deal,” he repeated._

_“I wanted your birthday to be perfect,” Doug said, clearly a little angry with himself._

_“It is,” Jack laughed. “I have the room, literally the bed of my dreams, and I have you. I don’t care about the rest.”_

_“You’re just saying that.”_

_“No, I’m not. I’m not going to let this become a big deal,” Jack said softly. “It’s my birthday and I get to call the shots and I am taking it off the table.”_

_“You’re taking it off the table?” Doug questioned, laughing slightly at the typical Jack logic._

_“Yes, we have plenty of ways to entertain ourselves this weekend. But that particular thing – not happening. I’ve removed the option. I want us to relax and enjoy ourselves.” Jack leaned forward and kissed Doug softly. “Okay?”_

_“Okay,” Doug nodded. “So, what now?”_

_“I thought you were never going to ask,” Jack smiled. “I would like to take a nap with you and then after that I am very intrigued by the whole bath suggestion you made.”_

_“Are you now?” Doug laughed._

_“Yes,” Jack kissed him again. “With extra bubbles.”_

_“Consider it done.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug felt like a ball of nervous energy – desperately wanting to tell Jack the news, hoping he would be pleased with the solution that they had collectively come up with. The thought of Jack soon being next to him as he slept made it difficult to drift off. It had been three weeks of not being able to hold Jack close in the way he wanted – not feeling free to touch him in the way he craved. Desperately trying to keep composure at all times, not wanting Jack to think that all he missed was the physical side of their relationship because that was not true. He missed making them both dinner, watching a movie together curled up on the couch. He missed how Jack would always leave a few mouthfuls of coffee in his mug or how he hummed when he stood brushing his teeth. He missed the smell of Jack’s shampoo and how his feet were always cold against his in bed at night. He missed Jack’s smile – his real smile. Not the one he put on to hide pain or the fact that he was struggling.

“What’s going on?” Jack asked, having watched Doug paced around the room as they spoke – unable to stand still.

“Nothing,” Doug said innocently.

“You’re making me dizzy.”

“Sorry,” Doug said, finally stopping, sitting down on the chair next to Jack. 

“Do you have somewhere to be?” Jack asked, wondering if Doug was getting fed up of his visits.

“Of course not,” Doug said sincerely. “There is nowhere I’d rather be.”

“There’s a thousand places I’d rather be.”

“Start making a list and I will take you to all of them as soon as you’re out of here.”

“I was hoping you were here so early to bust me out.”

“I wish I could.”

“Arrest me if you have to,” Jack joked. “Cart me off to jail.”

“I don’t think the handcuffs will fit over your cast,” Doug teased. 

“I’m not going to be resisting.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” 

Jack rolled his eyes, smiling slightly as he leaned back against the bed. “I will give you $1000 to take me somewhere right now.”

“Where have you been hiding $1000?” 

“That’s not your concern,” Jack scowled.

“It is if you never pay up.”

“It shouldn’t take this much convincing.” 

Noticing that Jack’s tone was quickly moving from playful to annoyed, Doug stood from the chair, perching on the edge of Jack’s bed, resting his hand on his arm. “Trust me, there is nothing I want more than to get you out of here. I just have a better plan.”

“What?” Jack asked confused.

“I’m just waiting for Andie,” Doug explained.

“Why?”

Doug was very grateful to hear the door open behind him, unsure how many more of Jack’s questions he could field before telling him everything. They had decided the night before that it would be best coming from the two of them.

“Morning,” Andie greeted cheerily.

“She’s here,” Jack said simply. “Tell me now.”

“Someone is in a good mood,” Andie said, raising her eyebrows, not surprised by Jack’s crankiness.

Jack took a breath, knowing that he was being particularly irritable – becoming increasingly unable to control it. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Andie said softly, knowing that Jack was not meaning to be so moody. “Sorry I’m later than expected. I’m not going to be able to stay long.”

“You don’t have to come every day,” Jack replied, knowing how hard Andie worked.

“I want to,” she replied sincerely. “We all do.”

“But hopefully it won’t be for much longer,” Doug added with a smile, standing up and joining Andie.

Jack looked back and forth between them trying to work out what Doug meant. The last time he had spoken to Andie things were not looking too hopeful. He hated how they stood side by side like parents about tell him how his life was about to be impacted.

“We went to you house last night to see what we could do to make it work for you at the moment,” Andie explained, seeing the look on Jack’s face. 

“And?” 

“We all came to the same conclusion that it won’t work for another couple of weeks,” Andie continued, watching the look on Jack’s face grow disappointed. He looked angry that she had got his hopes up – an expression she was not used to from her brother. Usually he was much better at hiding it behind the smile he was better known for.

“But we’ve come up with an alternative solution,” Doug said quickly, also seeing the look on Jack’s face – knowing that he was struggling to keep his emotions level.

“What is it?” Jack asked, his expression softening a little.

Andie and Doug both shared a look before she answered. “We were thinking that you could stay at Doug’s for a couple of weeks.”

Jack stared at them blankly for a moment, trying to imagine how that would work. From what he could remember they had never discussed living together – out of necessity or otherwise. 

Doug could see Jack’s thoughts play out across his face, worried that Jack was going to refuse immediately without giving it any thought. “It’s not permanent,” he said quickly, his stomach churning slightly. “Just until you can manage at home.”

“It’s that or stay here a little longer,” Andie added.

“I know,” Jack said softly, knowing he should be grateful for the offer but was finding it difficult to process all of this thoughts. “I can’t think.”

Andie nodded, “Why don’t I go and let the two of you discuss it.”

“No, it’s okay,” Jack said quickly, realising that he had made things awkward. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise,” she smiled softly. “I will come back and see you later. I should get going anyway.”

Jack nodded, watching as she exchanged another look with Doug before leaving, closing the door softly behind her, leaving Doug stood looking a little anxious.

“I didn’t mean to be rude,” Jack said, struggling to find the exact word he wanted.

“You’re not,” Doug shook his head, moving back over to Jack’s bed and sitting next to him, his hand finding Jack’s cheek. “It’s a lot to think about.”

Jack relaxed against Doug’s touch, trying to figure out why he felt so uneasy. “I want to,” he said simply. “I just don’t know.”

“Just think about it,” Doug said, leaning in and kissing Jack. “You don’t have to decide right this second.”

Jack lifted his hand, looping it around the back of Doug’s neck, pulling him closer again to kiss him – feeling most at ease when Doug was close. Once again feeling the internal storm die down, he kissed Doug a little more deeply, needing to feel the spark that had brought back a number of his memories, hoping with time that more would follow. He needed to feel the fire burning inside Doug – scared that the monotony of their current situation was taking its toll. His thumb stroked the soft skin behind Doug’s ear as he continued to hold him firmly in place, his mouth continuing to kiss Doug as though his life depended on it.

Doug pulled back slightly, taken aback by Jack’s intensity. He rested his forehead against the other man’s, breathing in the scent of him – different to normal, but still undeniably Jack. Jack’s eyes had grown dark and stormy, reminding him of so many occasions before – the moment before Jack completely let himself go, willingly placing himself in Doug’s hands. Completely trusting and open. He took a deep breath, trying to fight the feeling growing inside of him – wondering if Jack had any idea the effect he was having on him. Having been trying to fight his desire from the moment Jack had opened his eyes and finally kissed him again for the first time.

He was unable to speak a word before Jack kissed him again, his hand moving to Doug’s cheek, leaning further forward to close the gap between them, his other arm wrapping around his shoulders. Doug did not know what to do with his hands – not wanting to start something he could not follow through on. His brain was trying to catch up with the sensations his body was experiencing, as though feelings like this had been relegated to nothing more than his dreams – feeling guilty about dreaming about Jack in that way while he was laid up in hospital. He did not want Jack to feel that that was all he thought of – no matter how incredible it was. No matter how much Jack’s mouth was reminding him.

“Jack,” Doug said softly, aware that his body was betraying him – his words coming out more as a growl than distinguishable sound. 

“Yes,” Jack sighed, pressing his lips against Doug’s once again, his hand moving from his cheek, gently playing its way down over his shoulder, caressing his side before finding his hip, pausing only for a moment before moving defiantly to the source of Doug’s discomfort. He instantly received a moan – feeling it ricochet around their joined mouths as Doug finally laid hands on him, still careful not to hurt him. “I’m fine,” Jack said breathlessly – wanting to be touched the way Doug would have done before.

“We should stop,” Doug said weakly, his mouth moving to Jack’s neck, unable to take his mind off of what Jack’s hand was doing to him over his increasingly tight clothing.

“Don’t you dare,” Jack moaned, the fingertips of his cast hand playing in Doug’s hair, breathing in the scent of him deeply, feeling Doug leaning more firmly into him, pushing him back against his pillow. His wandering hand applied more pressure, feeling Doug’s mouth open against the skin of his neck, a muted groan escaping. Jack knew that it would not take much more to get Doug to succumb to his wishes – wanting to feel Doug treat him like he always had before. Wanting to feel no change between them. 

“Jack, what are you doing?” Doug moaned, struggling to hold back – wanting nothing more than to do all the things his subconscious had done to Jack in his nightly dreams. Wanting to hear the change in Jack’s breathing that Doug knew meant he was close to climax. He wanted to see the look on Jack’s face as the pleasure took over, hearing the sounds that escaped him – sounding like a symphony that only came to life when the two of them moved together in harmony. 

“What does it feel like I’m doing?” Jack smiled, kissing Doug once more, still able to feel Doug’s resistance. “I want you on top of me,” he whispered into Doug’s ear.

“Jack,” Doug moaned, wanting nothing more than to climb on top of the other man, pushing up against him hard. “We can’t.”

“Why not?” Jack asked, not wanting to hear excuses. “Please,” he said softly, his teeth grazing over Doug’s bottom lip.

“Have you forgotten where we are?”

Jack almost wanted to laugh. Of course he had not forgotten. It was impossible for him to forget. That was the problem.

“Someone could come in,” Doug tried to reason.

“The door has a lock,” he said simply – having already prepared the response to the excuse Doug would use.

“Jack,” Doug shook his head, moving back, trying to compose himself. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jack moved his hand back, eyes grazing the bed – knowing that was the real reason and hating it. 

“There’s plenty of time for all that,” Doug said quickly, seeing the look on Jack’s face.

“It’s fine,” Jack said simply.

“Jack,” Doug said softly, knowing that it was far from fine. “Just one thing at a time.”

“Meanwhile I’ll pause my whole life,” Jack said quietly. “And wait for you all to make decisions about what is best for me.”

“That’s not how it is,” Doug said softly, feeling Jack’s frustration. 

“Isn’t it?”

“I know it must feel like that. I wish I could speed things up.”

“But you wouldn’t want to hurt me,” Jack said, wishing he did not sound so bitter.

“Jack,” Doug said again, knowing he had no other words.

Jack shook his head. “I’m just sick of it all.”

“I know,” Doug said, taking hold of his hand. “But I promise it will get better.”

“I hate being like this. I don’t want to be so irritable.”

“No one blames you.”

“I do,” Jack shook his head. “I think I’m just tired.”

Doug nodded, knowing that was not really true – just Jack code for not wanting to talk anymore. “Think about my offer. It’s your choice, but I wouldn’t have suggested it if it wasn’t something I wanted.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“We can make it work,” Doug said, giving his hand a squeeze. “We just need to get you out of here and you’ll feel better.”

Jack simply nodded.

Doug smiled softly, kissing Jack. “And then you won’t have to ask me twice – trust me.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pacey grabbed a cloth from behind the bar and began to wipe down the counter. It had been a quiet lunch time – normal for midweek while schools were in. It meant that the restaurant was only occupied by the older, retired residents of Capeside, along with the occasional out of towner or mom and baby group. Pacey was pleased to have time to stop and take breath, feeling as though his head had been spinning for weeks – worried about Jack, worried about Doug, worried about what would happen going forward, all while trying to keep on top of everything going on at the Icehouse.

He was pleased to finally have a day that felt normal. Still he was bracing himself for what was to come – having spent the previous night at Jack’s house wondering if anyone else had the same fears he had about Jack coming home from the hospital. He was concerned that others felt that it would be the answer to the problem of Jack’s frustrations, seemingly disregarding how Jack may feel about being home but his life still not being back to normal. As impressed as he was with Jack’s recovery so far he knew there was still a long road ahead of them – wondering if anyone had told Jack that he was unlikely to make it back to work before the new school year, unsure how well Jack would cope with that. 

Even before that happened, he would have to re-emerge into the community around him – the whispers about him that had over time virtually silenced were now awoken with avengeance. The news of his and Doug’s relationship slowly spreading, acting as fuel to the fire. Some people shrugging it off as idle gossip while others took it as a personal affront on the town – unable to accept that the number of gay men in their community seemed to have doubled over night. Unable to comprehend how their strong and stoic sheriff had suddenly become afflicted with the same immorality they had fought to rid the town of.

Pacey glanced around the restaurant, noting how many tables of customers remained, taking their time over their post lunch drinks – wondering if it was quiet enough for him to retreat to his office to finish off some paperwork. He moved around the restaurant, collecting empty glasses, moving closer to one of the remaining tables – two older couples sitting together as they had for a couple of hours. 

“May I take these empty glasses,” Pacey smiled, hoping they would take the hint, but still trying to be friendly.

“Of course, thank you,” one of the ladies smiled, pushing a couple of glasses in his direction. “Lunch was lovely as usual.”

“Thank you,” Pacey nodded, picking up the glasses and moving away.

“How is your friend?” the lady asked quickly before he could leave.

“Margaret,” her husband said sternly. “Mind your own business.”

“No, it’s okay,” Pacey said, pausing before walking away. “He’s doing well. Hopefully will be out of hospital soon.”

“That’s good news,” she smiled, ignoring her husband. “He was in my prayers.”

“That’s very kind,” Pacey smiled warmly, turning and walking to the next table, collecting more glasses.

“Who are you talking about?” the other lady at the table asked.

“The car accident the other week,” she replied softly. “It was the new teacher from the high school – the boy that used to live with Evelyn Ryan.”

“The gay one,” her husband added for good measure, causing Pacey’s ears to prick up – remaining close enough to the table to hear.

“Yes, the gay one,” Margaret repeated with an eye roll, clearly unimpressed with her husband’s interjection.

“Oh dear,” the other woman responded. “I’m glad he’s recovering well.”

“Margaret likes to think her prayers helped,” her husband laughed. “As though God answers prayers for men like him.”

“George, that’s quite enough,” Margaret chastised, looking over at Pacey, hoping he could not hear.

“What do you mean that’s quite enough?” George replied. “That man is singlehandedly trying to reduce this town into his own Sodom and Gomorrah.”

“What are you talking about?” the other man asked.

“Have you not heard the rumours?” George responded, becoming more outraged. “He’s converted the sheriff to his ways.”

“Ignore him,” Margaret shook her head. “It’s just rumours. Idle gossip.”

“No, it’s not,” George protested. “I bumped into Jim in his store and he said that John Witter’s older boy was in there the other day and confirmed it was true.”

“So what?” Margaret groaned, having obviously had enough of hearing her husband talk about this. “Good luck to them.”

“Good luck to them?” George said, becoming more outraged. “This man is a teacher. If he can trick the sheriff into his ways then think what he can do to the kids.”

Pacey cleared his throat, using the cloth in his hand to wipe down the table next to the group. “I hate to interrupt your misguided and frankly offensive gossip, but I will be needing your table back.”

“Why? It’s dead in here,” George questioned.

“I know, I am just concerned how long it will take me to disinfect the table of all the ignorant and hateful bile that you’re producing,” Pacey said flatly, his eyes remaining fixed on the man in front of him.

“How dare you?” George said angrily, ignoring his wife’s cheeks burning red. “You can’t speak to me like that.”

“I’m pretty sure I can,” Pacey replied. “This is my restaurant and you are talking about my friend and my brother.”

“My wife has not finished her drink,” George said insolently, showing no sign of leaving.

“Your wife is more than welcome to stay,” Pacey said, nodding in her direction. “From what I’ve heard she is a by far your better half.”

“I’ve been saying that for years,” Margaret muttered under her breath. “I’m sorry for my husband.”

“Do not apologise for me,” George said angrily, standing from his chair. “What are you going to do – refuse to serve anyone that finds your brother’s lifestyle a disgrace?”

“Yes, actually,” Pacey nodded. “And if that means hanging a damn rainbow flag over the door to stop people like you from coming then the so be it – I’ll order one right now.”

“Good luck keeping your business going,” George bit back. “Looks like the fag teacher got to you too. Your father must be ashamed.”

“Leave now,” Pacey said, somehow managing to stay calm. “And please do not come back.”

“Like I would,” he shook his head. “Shameful. Come on, Margaret.”

His wife looked at the other couple they had been having lunch with and once again back at Pacey before responding to her husband. “I haven’t finished my drink.”

George looked at her stunned. “Well I’m not staying a second longer,” he said loudly, beginning to walk away. “I will be telling my friends about this!”

“Please do!” Pacey called after him with a wave, watching as he walked out the door, leaving his wife and friends at the table. 

The three remaining patrons could not help but stare at each other before one finally started to laugh.

Pacey took a deep breath. “Now, would anyone like another drink? I think I could use one.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack sat down on the edge of the bed, wrapped in a white bathrobe, a glass of champagne in his hand. “When I said extra bubbles I didn’t mean this. Not that I’m complaining.”_

_“It’s your birthday,” Doug shrugged, picking up the bottle and surveying the small amount remaining._

_“Is that going to be your response to everything today?”_

_“Until midnight, yes,” Doug nodded, pouring the remaining champagne into each of their glasses before joining Jack in the bed._

_“Then at midnight everything gets taken away?” Jack asked with a teasing smile._

_“Make the most of it while you can,” Doug said, taking a sip of his drink._

_Jack lifted his glass to do the same before changing his mind, placing it down on the nightstand. “I think it’s going to my head.”_

_“Is that my cue to order some dinner?”_

_“Unless you want me as drunk as I was last time I stayed in this room,” Jack joked, moving back onto the bed, leaning against the pillows propped up behind him._

_“Maybe that’s exactly what I want,” Doug said, putting his glass down and following Jack’s body onto the bed, positioning himself next to the other man._

_“Do you have a weird fetish for drunk people?” Jack laughed, reaching out and pulling Doug a little closer._

_“Just you,” Doug replied knowing that he knew how he felt about the less inhibited version of Jack, obliging him by moving closer still. “I don’t want you catatonic. Just enough for you to get that look in your eye.”_

_“What look is that?” Jack asked, seductively._

_“Let me see,” Doug said, moving closer, straddling the other man, looking deep into his eyes – dark and stormy. “Yes,” Doug nodded, kissing him. “That’s the look.”_

_Jack kissed Doug again, hands on his hips, pulling him in close – wondering how doing nothing but being locked away with Doug for a day was still panning out to be one of his best birthdays. He was pleased that the tension from earlier had completely dissipated once he had woken from his nap. The last thing he wanted to do was make Doug feel uncomfortable and definitely not to rush him into doing something he was not ready for. He had felt slightly embarrassed that he had not realised but was glad that Doug had told him the truth._

_Doug slipped his hands in under Jack’s robe, tracing his hands over his shoulders, moving the fabric out of the way as he did so – his tongue moving over Jack’s as he felt Jack’s body begin to react to his touch. Jack’s arms wrapped around him a little more tightly, his hands moving down Doug’s sides, resting on his hips, not wanting to move any further in case his movements were misconstrued._

_“I’ve been thinking,” Doug said softly, his mouth close to Jack’s ear._

_“Is that good or bad?” Jack asked, a smile on his face, unable to resist softly thrusting up against him._

_“I don’t want it to be off the table.”_

_“What?” Jack asked, wondering if he was understanding correctly._

_“You took it off the table,” Doug continued. “I want it back on the table.”_

_“Okay,” Jack nodded, slightly unsure if Doug was just saying it or really meant it. “Well, you let me know whenever you’re ready.”_

_Doug smiled, kissing Jack softly, realising that Jack was missing what he was trying to say. “I’m ready.”_

_Jack’s eyes widened realising what Doug was saying. “Now?” he asked. “Are you sure?”_

_“I love you and I trust you,” Doug nodded, his voice low. “And I really want you.”_

_“Doug,” Jack shook his head. “I don’t know.”_

_“I want this,” Doug assured. “You wanted to before.”_

_“I know,” Jack nodded, struggling to explain, not wanting his birthday and Doug’s desire to please him to be the reason why. “We have plenty of time.”_

_“Jack, I want you,” Doug repeated, kissing him. “Right now.”_

_Jack moaned as Doug pressed against him a little more firmly, kissing him passionately trying to prove his point. “Okay,” he nodded, unable to resist any longer. “But if you want to stop…”_

_“I’ll tell you,” Doug nodded, reaching down and untying his own robe before continuing to push Jack’s down off his shoulders, still sensing a little apprehension. “I trust you.”_

_Jack took a deep breath, nodding, finally helping to shrug off his robe, taking in the image of Doug sat straddling him. He shifted slightly, sitting up a little higher, his hands finding Doug’s face, leaning forward and kissing him softly. He felt Doug increase the intensity, trying desperately to prove to Jack that this was exactly what he wanted. It was what he wanted before – he just panicked._

_Jack let his hands slide down over Doug’s ass, halting there, not wanting to go any further, feeling a wave of nerves that he had not felt for a long time – feeling a great responsibility on his shoulders. Trying not to overthink it, he allowed himself to get lost in Doug’s kiss, to think of nothing more than the feel of his body pressed against him. How that feeling was always incredible._

_Doug moved his mouth from Jack’s long enough to reach over to the nightstand and grabbing the bottle that he had left there in preparation. His hand went to Jack’s, still on his body, bringing it back in front of him. He opened the bottle and squeezed just enough of the contents onto Jack’s fingers before discarding it onto the bed._

_Jack looked at him closely, wanting to be completely sure, smiling softly when he saw the look in Doug’s eyes, realising that the champagne was not intended to purely lower Jack’s inhibitions but also help Doug relax. Rubbing his fingers together to coat them he reached down between Doug’s legs, wanting the best angle, encouraging him to rise up a little. Placing a hand in the small of Doug’s back, Jack began to rub his coated finger over the knot of muscle, noting that Doug was definitely more receptive than before, but still not wanting to move too fast. His mouth once again found Doug’s, feeling his hands move to his shoulders as he continued to apply a little more pressure, the tip of his finger pushing through the ring of muscle._

_He watched Doug’s face as he took a deep breath, nodding slightly to tell Jack to continue. Jack carried on, managing to insert his whole finger without sensing too much discomfort. “Are you ready for two?” he asked softly, receiving a tentative nod. Jack did exactly that – feeling a huge difference compared to his earlier attempt. “How’s that?”_

_“Fine,” Doug said, trying to resist fighting the feeling. “Good,” he said, not wanting Jack to change his mind. He wanted this desperately._

_“Good,” Jack nodded, leaning forward and finding Doug’s lips, kissing him slowly as his fingers continued to move, stretching and manipulating, trying to do everything he could to prepare Doug for what was to come. Wanting him to enjoy it. He continued to move, searching for the spot that he knew would cause Doug to relax a little more – all he needed was to have a glimpse of the pleasure that awaited him. He twisted and flexed until he suddenly felt Doug’s kiss stop, a moan that seemed to come as a complete surprise pouring out of him. Jack smiled, repeating the same movement and getting the same reaction. “Now it’s good,” he laughed, kissing Doug again._

_After a few more moments he removed his fingers, moving his hands to Doug’s hips, manoeuvring his body from his straddling position to lying on the bed. He quickly moved to his knees, leaning over him, kissing him with more purpose as he grabbed a pillow from next to Doug’s head, moving down his body, encouraging him to lift his hips so he could slide it underneath, remembering how it had helped him the first few times. He looked up at Doug’s eyes that were watching him intently as he grabbed the previously discarded bottle._

_“Carry on,” Doug said softly, knowing that Jack was waiting for confirmation. Relieved when he saw Jack’s smile. “Here,” Doug said, sitting up and taking the bottle from Jack’s hand, this time squeezing a little onto his own hand, reaching out and coating Jack’s length, his hand lingering, stroking him with increased pressure before finally letting go, returning to his previous position, ensuring the pillow was comfortably beneath him._

_Jack’s body followed Doug downwards, positioning himself at the right angle, seeing Doug’s eyes widen as he pressed against the same muscle that he had previously manipulated. He waited for Doug to relax again before moving ever so slightly. “You just need to relax,” Jack assured. “I’ll go slow.”_

_Doug nodded, appreciating Jack taking it slow and talking him through it, feeling him push a little further in, the concentration on Jack’s face was intense – clearly trying to fight the urge that Doug knew well. His body felt full, no idea how he was going to manage to take any more, wondering how Jack managed it when roles were reversed – feeling as though he was about to break._

_“Relax,” Jack said again, biting his lip as he felt Doug tighten around him. “You’re doing great.”_

_Doug closed his eyes, pushing his head back into the pillow, trying to take deep breaths, assuming his efforts were paying off when he felt Jack begin to move again, gaining a little more depth, continuing on until Doug thought he was going to have to tell him to stop – positive he could not take anymore._

_“That’s it,” Jack gasped, just as Doug released a moan. “That’s it,” he repeated – Doug suddenly understanding what he meant._

_Realising that he had been holding his breath, Doug exhaled, eyes moving to Jack’s, their bodies entwined but completely still. He wondered if his expression looked just as stunned as Jack’s did – neither of them completely sure if they would achieve this. Doug felt his body begin to ache – not from being filled, but from the want for more, needing movement. Jack saw the look on his face and understood it perfectly, beginning to move over Doug as gently as possible as he lowered his body closer to Doug’s, mouth once again finding the other man’s._

_He was unable to hold in the moan that grew from deep within him, finally able to let go of some of the self-control he was clinging onto, moving smoothly over the other man, watching as the discomfort slowly turned into pleasure on Doug’s face, trying not to become overwhelmed by the thought that he was causing that. He wanted Doug to feel what he felt every time he was inside him. He wanted him to understand that fight between pain and pleasure – knowing that when done right, pleasure would always win out. He wanted Doug to feel as safe as he always did. For him to know how incredible he made him feel; knowing in the past that that was not always the way with others. Jack was pleasantly surprised when he felt Doug push against him, taking it as an indication that he was ready for more._

_Doug groaned as he felt Jack’s pace increase exactly as he had wanted it to, suddenly filled with a greater understanding of each and every look Jack gave him, every sound he made during their countless encounters. He felt Jack’s arm loop round under his thigh, lifting his leg slightly, the change of position causing him gasp with pleasure – any and all previous discomfort now forgotten. He saw the corner of Jack mouth turn up in a slight smile and he knew that his reaction was exactly what he had intended. Doug wrapped his leg around Jack a little more firmly, using it to help counter each of Jack’s thrusts._

_Jack kissed him, his tongue moving over Doug’s before pulling away and lifting up enough for his hand to reach between their bodies, skilfully finding Doug’s length. Doug felt like he was going to come out of his skin the moment Jack’s hand touched him – filled with competing sensations, as though every sense was on fire, every synapse firing on overload. He let out a moan louder than he had expected, his body arching, unsure he could he take much more. Jack’s movements began to increase in speed and urgency. Focusing on the rhythm and sound of Jack’s breathing was all Doug could do to keep himself from losing himself entirely, his hand gripping onto the arm Jack was using to brace himself, feeling the flex of muscle under his fingertips._

_Jack’s eyes met his once again as he continued to thrust, adjusting his position ever so slightly until he was rewarded by Doug’s body arching, head pushing back harshly against the pillow, mouth open but no sound coming out. Jack continued, thrusting at the same angle over and over again until he felt Doug’s body shudder and spill out the physical manifestation of his euphoric pleasure._

_Jack felt Doug tighten around him, managing a couple of final thrusts before losing himself in a moan that matched the intensity of Doug’s, trying to remember if sex had always felt this good or if it was just because it was with Doug. He was unable to hold back his smile as he realised that he never wanted to find out the answer to that question – never again wanting anyone else. His forehead dropped to Doug’s shoulder as he came, hearing Doug’s reaction to the new sensation echoing around his ear. He tried to catch his breath, his arm giving out as he collapsed down over Doug’s body, his face pushing into the curve of Doug’s neck._

_“Well,” Jack said breathlessly, not quite sure what he was planning to say next._

_“Yeah,” Doug nodded in agreement, equally lost for words, his arms looping around the other man._

_He lifted his head a little so he could see Doug’s face. “Are you okay?”_

_“I’m good,” Doug assured. “Very good.”_

_“Good,” Jack repeated, sighing with relief, kissing Doug softly, still able to feel the pounding of Doug’s heart against his chest. “Maybe I should take things off the table more often,” he teased._

_“Maybe you should,” Doug nodded softly, watching as the dark, storminess of Jack’s eyes begin to lessen. “I love you.”_

_“I love you too,” Jack said softly, taking in the still of the moment – his brain trying to catch up with the new development._

_“Happy birthday, Jack.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Judy pushed Jack back along the long corridor following one of his sessions. He had been very quiet – more so than normal. Usually she could as least get a smile and a little joke out of him but today he seemed lost in thought – his mind too busy to pay much attention to what was going on around him. She had hung back for a while, observing his session, noting how he followed instructions but did not seem as engaged with it as he had in his previous session, as though he no longer cared.

“Fancy a quick stop off in the garden?” Judy asked. “We can spare ten minutes.”

“No, thank you,” Jack shook his head softly. 

“Now I know something’s wrong,” she said, coming to a stop next to one of the large windows overlooking the flower garden, turning Jack so he had the view. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Jack shrugged. “I’m just tired.”

“Shall we get you back to bed?”

“Not that kind of tired,” he clarified. “I’m tired of doing this.”

Judy nodded, understanding what he was saying. Sitting down on a chair next to him she looked at him more closely. “Let me guess – you’re tired of people telling you that it all takes time. You’re tired of people telling you how well you’re doing. You’re fed up of people trying to help when the reality is it makes you feel more broken.”

Jack simply sighed, nodding softly.

“I hate to make it worse, but time really is going to be the healer here. And even though you may not feel like it, you really are doing exceptionally well. We don’t get many people coming in as badly injured as you were and then have them sat where you are right now. I know hearing that you were lucky doesn’t help, but the way I see it, there was a greater force working in your favour that day. God, or fate, or whatever it may be. But there was a reason you survived, and it will be the same reason you’re going to make it through this.”

“That’s very philosophical.”

Judy smiled, looking at him more closely. “Our bodies and brains are incredible things. Like how you can manage the word ‘philosophical’ but you can’t say the name of that good looking man of yours.”

Jack groaned, shaking his head. “Don’t remind me.”

“Why don’t you try,” she encouraged. “It’s just you and me. No one else is listening.”

“I’ve tried,” he shook his head.

“Try again,” she persisted. “It’s mind over matter. I think you’ll feel better once you’ve done it.”

“And if I can’t?” Jack ask seriously. 

“Then we change his name,” she smiled. “Or you just call him ‘Honey’ for the rest of your life.”

“He does not like pet names,” Jack laughed.

“Even more of a reason to beat this mental block then.”

“You’re not going to take me back until I try are you?” Jack groaned.

“You’re learning,” she nodded. “Now, take a deep breath, picture him in your head, relax.”

Jack nodded, doing as she suggested, drawing in a deep breath, opening his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“Try again,” Judy encouraged. “No pressure. Just relax.”

Jack nodded, closing his eyes, able to picture Doug’s face – even able to picture the word he wanted to say, but somewhere between his brain and his mouth it got lost. “I can’t.”

“Okay,” she nodded, seeing the frustration on his face. “We’ll try again tomorrow.”

Jack nodded, defeatedly. “Can we go back now?”

“Via the garden?”

“Just straight back,” Jack shook his head.

“Okay,” Judy nodded, standing up and manoeuvring Jack away from the window, continuing back down the corridor. They moved silently back through the hospital – Jack staring down at his hands in his lap. As they turned the final corner and Jack’s room came into view, Judy broke the silence. “You need to start seeing this as the big picture. Don’t fixate on the little things you can’t do – focus on what you can do and how that will help you get to where you want to be.”

Jack nodded, appreciating what she was telling him. He knew she was right but it did not make him feel any better. Turning through the doorway Jack smiled slightly – seeing the one person that he hoped could make him feel better.

“And there’s another beautiful blonde here for you,” Judy smiled. 

“Jen,” Jack grinned.

“Hi, gorgeous. Where have you been?” she asked, sat on his bed.

“The torture room,” Jack joked, already feeling a little more himself.

“Sounds fun.”

“Right, you, let’s get you out of this chair,” Judy instructed, wheeling him up next to the bed. “Think you can manage it?”

“I’m good,” he nodded, reaching out and holding onto the edge of the bed, putting his good foot down on the floor before pulling himself up, wincing slightly at the pain coming from his ribs.

“Still tender?” Judy asked.

“Like a truck smashed into them,” Jack groaned.

Jen could not help but laugh, watching as Judy moved the wheelchair away and helped Jack turn a little, helping him up onto the edge of the bed, letting him shuffle backwards and get comfortable.

“That’s how it’s done,” Judy praised. “Imagine how much easier that will be once the casts are gone.”

“I can’t wait,” Jack sighed.

“Not long now.”

“Time’s a healer, right?” he smiled, repeating her words from earlier back to her.

“Wise words,” she winked. “I’ll leave you two to do whatever it is that the two of you do.”

“Bye, Judy,” Jen waved, repositioning herself to be sat crossed legged on the end of the bed, looking at Jack. “How is the patient today?”

“Growing less patient,” he shrugged. “Grumpy and irritable.”

“So I’ve heard,” Jen teased. “Luckily for you, I am used to it.”

“I know I sound like a broken record,” Jack groaned.

“No one expects you to be all bright and cheery,” she consoled. 

“I just want to feel normal again.”

“I hate to break it to you, but you were never normal. None of us are.”

“You know what I mean.”

“I know,” she nodded. “I don’t know about you, but this feels pretty normal to me.”

Jack thought about it for a second before smiling. “I guess.”

“How do you feel about possibly staying with Doug for a few weeks?” she asked cautiously.

Jack shrugged, knowing from the tone of her voice that she was expecting him to have an issue with it. “What are your views?”

“Do my thoughts matter?”

“They do to me.” He looked at her more closely, wondering why she did not simply answer his question.

“Well, I have two conflicting thought processes,” she replied.

“Care to share at least one?” he laughed.

“Considering the fact that you want to get out of here, and the fact that you and Doug seem to be getting on as well as ever, even if you don’t quite remember everything, and the fact his apartment could not be more perfect for your current needs – it’s a bit of a no brainer, right?”

“Right,” Jack nodded.

“I would be able to come and spend the days with you – break you out of the apartment every now and again. Grams and Amy can visit more. Doug can be around in the evening. It sounds pretty perfect.”

“It does,” Jack nodded again, his eyes meeting hers, knowing she was thinking the same thing he was.

“Except,” she smiled, knowing that he knew it was coming. “You don’t want Doug looking after you.”

Jack exhaled, as though Jen’s words can come straight form his own mouth. “I know it’s stupid.”

“No,” Jen shook her head. “It’s not.”

“I should be happy, right?”

“You don’t owe anyone your happiness,” Jen said simply. “Especially if it’s not how you really feel.”

“I don’t know how I feel.”

“That’s a legitimate feeling in itself,” she smiled.

“You sound like Grams if she got high,” Jack laughed. “Stop validating me. Tell me what to do.”

“Sorry, Jackers, I can’t do that.”

“You usually do.”

She smiled widely. “This time I don’t know the answer.”

Jack groaned. “I don’t want him to do this because he thinks he has to.”

Jen nodded, understanding Jack’s concern. “Has he given you any reason to think that’s what he’s doing?”

“He knows I want to get out of here,” Jack shrugged. “He knows my house won’t work.”

“So therefore he feels obligated?” Jen asked. “That’s a bit of a leap.”

“Is it?” Jack asked. “He did not exactly sign up to this.”

“What if the roles were reversed? You’d do it for him.”

“Of course,” Jack nodded, no doubt in his head. 

“Why?”

“Because,” Jack started, trailing off. “I love him.”

Jen smiled. “I saw that realisation hit hard.”

“I love him,” Jack repeated, unsure why the words felt so huge coming out of his mouth – filling the room like an epiphany, trying to remember if he had said those words to Doug since the accident. 

“And he loves you,” Jen added. “If you had seen him the first week – he hardly left the hospital. I’ve never seen someone so terrified. If you had seen that you would not be questioning if he was doing this out of obligation or love.”

“What if this is just a step too far?” Jack asked, genuinely concerned. “I don’t want to have to rely on him for everything. It blurs the lines.”

“So talk to him about it. Tell him what you need. Set some boundaries.”

“There’s just somethings I don’t want his help with.”

“I know. I understand that. He will understand too. Equally, you have to accept that there are things you can’t do alone and as much as you hate it, you’re going to have to let someone help you.”

“I know.”

“And if you would rather that be me, just say the word.”

“Thank you,” Jack smiled, appreciating her understanding. 

“After all, you were there when a baby came out of me,” she laughed. 

“Don’t remind me,” he said, shaking his head at the memory.

“What can be worse than that?”

“I guess we’ll find out.” 

**To be continued…**


	12. The Hardest Word

As usual, the moment visitors were allowed into the hospital, Doug was making his way down the corridor towards Jack’s room. He had stopped off on his way to the hospital and picked up a couple of coffees and some pastries, thinking it would be nice to give Jack a little taste of the outside world – remind him what was out there waiting for him as soon as the doctors gave him the go ahead to leave.

It had been four days since Doug had suggested Jack stay with him for a while and even though it was obvious that Jack would prefer to return to his own home, he had promised to consider Doug’s offer. Now it was just a matter of waiting for the doctors to be happy for Jack to leave.

“Good morning,” Doug smiled, knocking on the door softly before poking his head around – noticing that Jack was not in his bed.

“Good morning,” he heard Judy’s voice from further inside the room, drawing him in. “You’re just in time to see Jack in action.”

“What’s going on in here?” Doug asked, putting his treats down on the table and glancing over to the open door leading to the bathroom. 

Jack appeared from behind the door, walking cautiously, his cast replaced by a brace. “Please lower your expectations. This is it,” he qualified – concentration clear on his face.

“Jack had his cast removed and replaced by this beauty so he can walk on it – a little anyway,” Judy explained, seeing the look of apprehension on Doug’s face.

“Now I can run away.” Jack reached out and held onto the end of his bed. “Slowly.”

“Remember what you were told – don’t overdo it,” Judy reminded him.

“When did this happen?” Doug asked, enjoying seeing the look on Jack’s face.

“After you left yesterday,” Jack smiled.

“How does it feel?”

“I hate it,” Jack laughed. “But it’s better than before.”

“That’s the spirit,” Judy said sarcastically. “Let’s get you back in bed.”

“No way,” Jack shook his head. “I’ve been given freedom.”

Doug stood back with his arms crossed, wondering if Judy already knew that this was one she was not going to win. Jack slowly started to make his way over to the chair, holding onto whatever he could to get there before sitting down, grinning in Judy’s direction.

“Show off,” she laughed.

“Have you had breakfast?” Doug asked.

“No,” Jack shook his head, suddenly spotting the bag Doug had brought. “Please tell me that’s something amazing.”

“Depends how you feel about coffee and pastries.”

“I think you know the answer to that,” Jack smiled, as Doug handed him a cup.

“Don’t worry,” Doug nodded in Judy’s direction. “It’s de-caf. He won’t be bouncing off the walls.”

“God bless you,” she sighed, patting him on the shoulder. “I’ll leave you two to it.”

“You seem in a good mood this morning,” Doug said, sitting on the edge of Jack’s bed, watching as Judy closed the door behind her.

“I can move again,” Jack beamed, taking a sip of his coffee as though it was the best thing he had ever tasted. 

“It won’t be long before you’re out of here. Have you thought about what you want to do?”

“Not really.”

“Maybe we could take a trip?”

“Sounds like you’ve been thinking about it,” Jack said, raising his eyebrows questioningly.

“Of course I have. I was thinking we could maybe head back to the cabin for a few days.”

“That would be nice,” Jack nodded, having only sketchy memories of when they had been before.

“As soon as you’re feeling up to it.”

“I’m fine,” Jack groaned

“I know,” Doug said quickly, not wanting Jack to think he was doubting his recovery.

“A trip sounds nice but I just want normal life.”

“Eating pizza on the couch watching a movie?” 

“Sounds perfect.” 

“That can be easily arranged. I’ll have the order on standby for as soon as you’re ready.”

Jack nodded, eyes avoiding Doug’s.

Doug cleared his throat, wondering if he should say what he wanted to – knowing that Jack was trying to avoid it. “When do you think that will be?”

“I don’t know,” Jack shook his head, eyes fixed on his coffee cup. “Maybe another week.”

“Why so long?” Doug asked, confused. He thought it would more likely be days – especially seeing Jack more mobile.

Jack shrugged. “Takes time I guess.”

“I guess so,” Doug nodded, feeling a little deflated, each morning waking in the hope that it was the day he could bring Jack home.

“I should be able to manage stairs then,” Jack added. 

“That’s great,” Doug nodded, forcing a smile. “My offer still stands though. Whatever you need.”

“I know,” Jack replied. “We’ll see how it goes.”

Doug nodded, feeling an awkwardness in the silence that he was not used to with Jack. He tried to push it from his head, wanting to enjoy this time with him before work. He took a deep breath, grabbing the bag of food. “Here,” he smiled warmly. “Choose what you’d like.”

Jack smiled widely. “I won’t give this back,” he teased, taking the bag.

“I never expected you to.”

Jack looked at Doug, a more serious look growing on his face. “Thank you. For everything.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“I do,” Jack said softly. “You’ve done so much.”

“I would do anything for you – you know that.”

Jack nodded, eyes dipping back to his hands. “You don’t have to.”

“I know that,” Doug said softly

“Good,” he replied. “You know, I would understand if you didn’t want to come here every day.”

Doug shook his head, wondering why Jack was saying that. “I want to be here.”

“With work and driving out here once, sometimes twice each day. No one would blame you for getting fed up of it.”

“That couldn’t be further from reality,” Doug said, feeling as though he was being put on the spot – nervous even though he was telling the truth.

“It’s been weeks of back and forth. And it doesn’t look to be ending any time soon,” Jack said simply, eyes not quite meeting Doug’s, looking as though he was reeling off a pre-prepared script. “I’m sure you have better things to do than sit in this room.”

“I don’t come here to sit in this room. I come to be with you.”

“I’m just saying that you don’t have to,” Jack repeated, “If I’m just something to tick off your list each day.”

“How could you possibly think that?” Doug said stunned, struggling to find words to say.

“It’s easy to get caught up in habit or feeling like you owe something,” Jack continued, his words getting weaker as he went on. He had gone over them in his head throughout the night to ensure he would be able to get them out properly but seeing the look on Doug’s face was adding an addition level of difficulty.

“Can you even hear yourself?” Doug asked, feeling his frustration rise. “Do you hear what you’re saying?”

“I’m not ready to go home,” Jack said firmly – his own frustration etched all over his face. “Just because my life is on pause doesn’t mean yours should be.”

“It’s not,” Doug said softly. “Being here. Being with you – it’s the best part of my day. When I’m anywhere else, all I’m thinking about is getting back here. I am so excited to see you each morning that I have to sit in the parking lot waiting to be allowed in because I’ve got here too early. And in the evenings when I have to leave, I sit outside the hospital in my car not wanting to drive away without you.”

Jack did not respond, eyes on the floor in front of him, wondering why hearing the words he desperately wanted to hear still made his stomach churn. 

“Jack, whether you believe me or not, I am here out of choice. Not because I think should be or because I’ve been added to your sister’s incredibly precise and highly troubling rota system,” he said, relieved to see a slight smile grace Jack’s face. “I’m here because it’s the only place I can go to spend time with you. To sit with you and talk to you, and try and claw back some of those hours and days that I feel I was cheated out of. I don’t want there to be any distance between us – literally or metaphorically. So until you are ready to leave, I will keep showing up.”

Jack tried to hide his smile. This was not how he had planned the conversation in his head. Simply wanting to give Doug an out if he was looking for one.

“Now, if this is your way of saying that I’m boring you,” Doug said, trying to lighten the mood. “That’s a whole different thing.”

“You don’t bore me,” Jack laughed slightly, rolling his eyes.

“Because just say the word, I can bring you a book or a newspaper. You can sit and do the crossword while I sit quietly in the corner,” Doug teased. “I don’t mind.”

“That’s creepy,” Jack said, shaking his head.

“Well then, you’ll just have to find a way to tolerate my daily visits.” Standing from his position on Jack’s bed, realising he had not even kissed him good morning yet, he moved closer he knelt down in front of Jack, his hand moving to Jack’s chin, lifting his face so that they were eye to eye. “I love you,” he said simply – leaning forward and finding Jack’s lips. “I want to be here.”

“I know,” Jack nodded tentatively, forcing a smile. 

“Good.” Doug kissed him again before looking at the bag on his lap, smiling. “Are you really not going to share?”

Jack laughed slightly. “Definitely not.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug made his way back down the corridor away from Jack’s room, still unable to shake the disappointment around Jack not being able to come home - having had it in his head that he could be home by the weekend, enabling him to spend a couple of days with him before returning to work on Monday. As much as he liked the idea of disappearing to the cabin for a few days, he decided that Jack’s suggestion was better. Ordering a pizza and curling up together on the couch watching a movie seemed as close to perfect as they were going to get.

The reality was that he did not care where they were, as long as they were together. As long as he could touch Jack, hold him, be with him in all the ways he missed – all the ways he craved that were becoming increasingly difficult to fight or hide anymore. He just wanted time with Jack somewhere that he was not always worried about someone walking in, or watching them. He wanted one last day of them hiding away from the world as they did before – knowing that things had changed dramatically since they were last properly alone together. He longed for just the feeling of him and Jack – the one thing that to him had not changed, no matter what else had.

“Will we be seeing you again later?” 

Doug looked up and saw Judy stood next to the elevator that he had been walking towards, lost in his daydream. “I’m not sure,” he smiled. “I hope so.”

“He’s always in a better mood when you’ve visited,” Judy smiled.

“Is that you’re diplomatic way of saying he’s usually in a bad mood?” he laughed.

“I think he’s earnt the right to be a bit irritable.”

“I guess so.”

“I’m sure he will be much more cheery when he gets home.”

Doug nodded, looking at her a little more closely, feeling as though there was something else she wanted to say. “When do you think that will be?”

She smiled knowingly. “Whenever he likes.”

“What do you mean?” Doug asked, suddenly feeling confused.

“He’s ready,” she replied simply. “His doctor is happy for him to leave as soon as his sister and that brother of yours have finished preparing his house.”

Doug looked at her blankly, wondering if he was missing something. She simply smiled, raising her eyebrows as she pressed the button to call the elevator that they were stood idly in front of. “But no one is making any changes to his house.”

Judy laughed a little, looking over her shoulder before leaning a little closer to Doug and whispering, “I know.”

“Are you telling me that he could come home today if he had somewhere suitable to go?”

“Well, maybe not today,” she smiled. “It takes a while to process all the paperwork, but yes, he’s good to go.”

“Does he know that?” Doug asked, still trying to process everything.

“Of course he knows that,” she nodded, stepping into the elevator as the doors opened, looking at Doug, wondering if he was going to do the same. “Are you joining me, Sheriff?”

“Yes,” he mumbled, shaking his head, trying to refocus himself, stepping into the elevator a moment before the doors closed. “Are you sure he knows?”

“I was there when the doctors told him,” she nodded. “The final thing to tick off the list was to remove his cast to give him more mobility. That’s done now.”

“What did he say?” Doug asked.

“Is this what it feels like to be a criminal?” 

“Sorry,” he shook his head. “I don’t mean to ask so many questions. I’m just a little confused.”

“He’s told you something different?” 

“Yes,” Doug said softly. “He said another week.”

“Well, that’s not completely untrue,” she shrugged. “That’s when the doctors think he’ll be able to manage the stairs. Maybe before with a little assistance.”

“Right,” Doug nodded.

“But you did not hear this from me,” she said, as the doors opened again. “And if you say otherwise I will lie until I’m blue in the face.”

“Got it,” Doug laughed.

“And trust me,” she smiled stepping out of the elevator. “I’m much better at untruths than Jack is.”

“Untruths?” Doug asked, stepping out also.

“He’s not really lying,” she said softly. “He’s just scared.”

“Thanks for the heads up.”

“He’s ready,” she nodded before turning in the direction she was headed. “I guess I’ll be seeing you later.”

Doug nodded, watching as she walked away, smiling back at him over her shoulder. He considered heading straight back to Jack’s room but decided he needed to give things some thought first – trying to figure out why Jack was hiding the truth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__  
_Jack glanced down at his watch, groaning slightly. It was 6:30 on a Friday evening and he was still sat at his desk marking papers from a series of essays had set during the week for a number of his classes. He knew that he could be doing this from the comfort of his home but that would defeat the point of having created so much extra work for himself. He did not want to be at home. He did not want to have to have time to stop and think and dwell on everything._

_It had been two weeks since the ill-fated hiking trip with Doug; one week since their heart to heart. A week since the moment that he saw the look of hope on Doug’s face that things would start going back to normal – a whole week of trying to avoid that look, knowing full well that for him, going back to normal felt just as impossible as it had during their initial argument. As hard as he tried to ignore the feeling he could not push it away – feeling guilty every time he was stood in the same room as Doug, knowing that while Doug was planning their future he was still planning an escape route in case it was ever needed._

_He had been careful not to make any plans with Doug throughout the week, using the fact that he was busy as work as a perfect excuse. He found it too hard to be around him – the combination of all the things he was feeling becoming too much. Each emotion competing for attention. Caught between wanting to hold on tight and never let go and wanting to run in the opposite direction. He did not want to inflict that on the other man. He did not want to have to try and explain that after everything that had been said that he was just as confused as before. He did not want Doug to feel as though he needed to apologise – unsure if there was nothing that Doug could say to him to make things any better._

_He had felt compelled to make plans for Friday night – Doug’s persistence becoming too much of a draw; knowing that he could not keep using work as an excuse. But as the time drew closer, knowing that he was supposed to meet Doug for dinner, he was once again desperate to come up with an excuse – scared of what would come tumbling out of him after days of silence if he found himself alone with the other man._

_Picking up his cell phone up from the desk he quickly typed a message and sent it before he had a chance to think about how incredibly cowardly he was being. He did not feel good about anything he was doing. The constant buzz of anxiety keeping him awake at night. Unable to look himself in the eye. The only justification was that he did not want any of it spilling over into Doug – preferring to deal with it alone until he was able to understand what was going on._

_The sound of the cell phone buzzing against his desk startled him. He should have known that his message would instigate a phone call. He considered ignoring it but knew that was not fair._

_“Hi,” he said softly, the tone of his voice thick with defeat._

_“What do you mean you’re not coming over for dinner?” Doug asked. “You’re supposed to be here any minute.”_

_He could hear the frustration in Doug’s voice even though he was trying to disguise it with disappointment. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m still at work.”_

_There was a moment of silence on the line as Doug tried to think of the right thing to say. “How much longer will you be?”_

_“I don’t know. At least another hour – maybe two,” he lied, knowing he was almost finished._

_Doug sighed at the other end of the phone. “Just come by after. I’ve made dinner. I’ve even found a movie for us to watch.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, feeling even worse than before. “I’m really tired. I think it’s probably best if I just go home.”_

_“Okay – so I’ll pack all this up and bring it to you.”_

_“I just want to head to bed,” Jack said, trying to deter the other man._

_“I can do that too,” Doug said – the forced smile evident in his voice as he tried to lighten the mood._

_“Not tonight.”_

_There was another long pause before Doug spoke again. “Jack, I’m really trying here.”_

_“It’s just been a long week,” Jack replied, knowing that did not even begin to cover what he really wanted to say. He knew Doug was trying, but for some reason the harder he tried, the more Jack pulled back._

_“For both of us,” Doug said simply before trying to lighten his tone. “How about tomorrow?”_

_“I’ll call you in the morning,” Jack offered, not wanting to commit to anything._

_“Sure,” Doug replied, knowing exactly what that meant._

_“I should go,” Jack said softly. “Talk to you tomorrow.”_

_“Okay. Bye,” Doug said a split second before the line went dead._

_Jack groaned, leaning forward and resting his forehead against his desk, talking to himself. “You’re being an asshole.”_

_Taking a couple of deep breaths he sat up, trying to forget the sound of Doug’s voice. Hating that he knew that he was hurting him, even while trying to avoid doing exactly that. He wished he could simply go to Doug’s, have dinner, watch a movie, and pretend that the conflict that had originally started between the two of them was still burning within him – struggling not only to trust Doug but also to trust himself. Having spent the week questioning everything he thought was true._

_He blocked his thoughts out the only way he had managed all week and continued to mark the remaining papers on his desk, a little disappointed when he finished the last one. He knew he would have to go home eventually. He packed everything away into his bag and headed out of his classroom, flicking off the lights as he passed through the door. He always found the hallways really eerie when no one else was around. Filled with all the demons from the past. He tried to shake the feeling as he walked out of the doors that lead to the parking lot, expecting to see only his car remaining, momentarily puzzled when he saw a car parked next to his, until he realised who it was and his heart sank. He was not ready to deal with this._

_As he walked closer, he watched as Doug climbed out of his own car and walked the couple of paces towards Jack’s leaning against the hood, eyes fixed on Jack walking toward him._

_“You finished sooner than you thought,” Doug said, trying to keep the insinuation of a lie from his tone but not quite managing._

_“What are you doing here?” Jack asked, stopping in front of the other man, more than an arm’s length between them._

_“It seemed like the only way I was going to get to see you.”_

_“I said I would call tomorrow,” Jack reasoned._

_“You also said you would come for dinner tonight.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, hand running over his face, knowing he did not have the energy for this. “What do you want me to do? I apologised. I told you I had to work.”_

_“What do I want?” Doug asked straightening up. “I want you to stop avoiding me.”_

_“I’m not avoiding you,” Jack protested weakly._

_“I want you to change your mind and come back to mine, have dinner and talk to me about whatever is going on.”_

_“Nothing is going on.”_

_“Jack, don’t do that,” Doug shook his head, clearly becoming more irritated. “Don’t treat me like an idiot.”_

_“I’m not.”_

_“You’ve been working late every night this week.”_

_“I’ve had a lot going on.”_

_“That’s crap and you know it,” Doug snapped back, beginning to lose his temper._

_“Have you just come here to have an argument?” Jack asked, looking around the parking lot wishing someone else was around._

_“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to that but I don’t know what else to do.”_

_“You could have stayed home and just waited for me to call in the morning,” Jack snapped, beginning to grow more frustrated with Doug’s pushing._

_“We both know you weren’t going to call.”_

_“That’s not fair,” Jack said, feeling wounded._

_“Isn’t it?” Doug asked. “How many of my calls have you ignored this week?”_

_“So this is the answer – ambushing me at work?”_

_“What other choice did I have?” Doug said angrily, feeling like they were going around in circles._

_“Take the hint and give me some space!” Jack shouted, losing his temper. “Why do you have to keep pushing?”_

_“Because I don’t want space. I want to fix this.”_

_“This isn’t the way to fix things.”_

_“What else am I supposed to do? I can’t seem to get through to you.”_

_“You just don’t get it, do you? You can’t come down here and dictate how we do this. I can’t do this at your pace or how you want it. I need time to figure things out.”_

_“I thought we had already gone over this? What was last weekend if not us figuring things out?” Doug stepped towards Jack only for Jack to step away. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”_

_“What did we figure out?” Jack asked – angry that Doug could not just let it lie. “Really – what did we resolve? That if I want us to get to that future that you so masterfully emotionally manipulated me with, I have to put up with all the crap first? That just like you seem to, I should be able to justify all the secrecy and hiding as a means to an end? I should just suck it up and wait for the day that things are different? Because the more I think about our conversation that’s all I really took from it.”_

_Doug looked at Jack stunned, wondering how he had somehow lost the upper hand in the anger stakes. “That’s not how I remember it.”_

_“Really? Is there something I’m forgetting?”_

_“I thought we agreed that you needed to trust me more?” Doug said scathingly._

_Jack shook his head in disbelief. “That’s really convenient, isn’t it? You act in a way that makes me question your feelings and your commitment to our relationship and it is twisted around to the problem being me and my issues.”_

_“I never said you were the problem,” Doug said exasperated. “But you’re the one that’s doing the twisting. If anything, I should be questioning your commitment to us. You’re the one that keeps trying to end things.”_

_“That’s not what I’m doing!” Jack shouted, losing his temper. “I just wanted some space to think and work everything out. I don’t know why you find that so difficult to understand.”_

_“Because you’ve not once told me that’s what you need. You haven’t said anything. I’m not a mind reader.”_

_“Do you really need me to spell it out for you?” Jack snapped, feeling exhausted by the back and forth._

_“How am I supposed to gain your trust back if you keep shutting me out?”_

_“Maybe I’m still trying to figure out if you’re someone I should trust.”_

_Doug stared back at Jack, the air around them thick with silence. Neither one of them moving or making a sound, both of them shocked by what Jack had said. Jack hung his head, frustrated that after all his efforts to stop this from happening he had been unable to prevent it. Now Doug was looking back at him, eyes full of hurt, wanting him to say something to take back the words he had spoken, but Jack could not do that._

_“This is exactly why you shouldn’t have come down here,” Jack said, shaking his head._

_“Jack, whether I had come here tonight or not wouldn’t change anything,” Doug said, the fear from the previous weeks once again flooding him. “We have to talk about this.”_

_“What are you not understanding?” Jack said, frustration taking over. “I don’t want to talk about it. I need to be able to figure out what this is.”_

_“You keep saying you need space, but I know what that means. If I let you walk away you won’t come back,” Doug said, his tone softer that before – feeling completely broken._

_“Then maybe that’s how it was always supposed to be.”_

_“How can you be so cold?” Doug said, feeling his heart break a little more than before. All his energy and concentration going to simply keeping himself on his feet._

_Jack took a deep breath, hoping it would stop the shaking of his hands. “Cold?” He nodded his head slightly, trying to work though the wave of hurt crashing down on him. This was not what he wanted. He could see the hurt written all over Doug’s face. The same hurt he had wanted to avoid – realising now that it was not possible to do that. He hung his head, feeling backed into the corner he had been fighting against. “I thought I could do this,” he said softly. “I thought I could figure it all out, work through whatever anger and frustration I was feeling without it impacting on you. Without hurting you. All I needed was some space and time.”_

_“Jack, I’m sorry,” Doug said quickly, eyes wide, realising that he knew the look on Jack’s face. “If you need space I can give you some space.”_

_Jack shook his head. “I don’t think this is going to work.”_

_“Jack, please,” Doug pleaded, taking a step towards the other man, not quite able to bring himself to reach out for him._

_“I can’t do this while also trying to protect what we have. I’ve been trying all week and clearly it’s not working.”_

_“Please,” Doug pleaded again. “Just stop before you say something you’ll regret.”_

_Jack looked back at him, eyes fixed with Doug’s, refusing to be the cause of any more hurt. “I already regret everything.”_

_“I’ll give you whatever space you need,” Doug said – his voice cracked and broken._

_“We’re beyond that,” Jack replied, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. “I think maybe it’s time to call it a day.”_

_Doug went to speak, his mouth opening but no words coming out. He stared back at Jack stunned, no idea how they had managed to go back a step while trying to move forward. After their conversation the previous weekend he honestly thought things were back on track. He had no idea how he could have been so wrong. This was not what he had planned to happen when he came looking for Jack._

_He opened his mouth again – still nothing. Not even attempting to hide the tears falling freely he stared at Jack – waiting, desperately hoping that he would take back his words. Somehow find a way to reverse time and make it so they had never existed. The longer he stared the more he realised that was not going to happen._

_He shook his head, wanting to protest – wanting to tell Jack how wrong he was but realised in that moment that there was nothing he could say to make it better. Anything he could say would act as the final nail in the coffin of their relationship._

_Slowly he turned away from Jack, walking back to his car, not saying a word. He could feel Jack’s eyes on him as he opened the door and climbed in. He could still feel them as he turned on the ignition and began to pull away, resisting the urge to look back. He could have sworn he heard Jack call him name as he drove away – but it was too late._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“She’s getting bigger,” Jack said, looking at Amy in Jen’s lap.

“Since last week?” Jen asked, looking down at her daughter.

“I think so,” he replied, eyes fixed on his goddaughter, missing the feel of her in his arms.

“Do you want to hold her?”

“No,” Jack said quickly, as though Jen was reading his mind – something he had no doubt that she was capable of.

“It’s okay,” she said softly. “You can.”

“I shouldn’t.”

“Do you want to?”

Jack looked back at her, eyes once again falling to Amy. “I can’t.”

“Jack,” Jen said standing, picking Amy up with her, bringing his attention back to her. “Do you want to?”

“Yes,” Jack nodded. 

“Okay then,” Jen smiled. “Are you comfortable?”

Jack shuffled back a little in his bed, sitting a little more upright – his legs stretched out in front of him. Jen smiled softly, turning Amy and placing her down on Jack’s lap – her back pressed against his chest, not letting go until Jack had hold of her.

“How’s that?” she asked, sitting on the edge of the bed next to them.

“She’s got heavy,” Jack joked. 

“Babies tend to do that.”

Jack nodded, smiling down at his goddaughter. “How are you, Jen?” he said softly. “I haven’t even asked.”

“I’m fine so don’t you dare start feeling bad.”

“And Grams?”

“She’s fine. She’s resting today – enjoying a day off of baby duties. She’ll come and visit you again soon.”

“I’m sorry.”

“What on earth for?”

“Messing everything up,” Jack said sadly, holding Amy a little tighter.

“Are you kidding me? Grams has been longing to come back to Capeside for ages and I can be a mom anywhere. Sure, it would have been nice to have spent the time here without you being in a coma but life is funny like that sometimes.”

Jack smiled, leaning down and kissing the top of Amy’s head. “I’m glad we can joke about it.”

“Too soon?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I just feel like my life is a joke. A farce.”

“Why do you feel like that?”

“I don’t know,” he said, trying to shrug it off, wishing he had never said anything. 

“Is this about Doug?”

“From what I remember I wanted him to be more open?”

“Yes,” Jen nodded.

“Now all I really want it to be able to hide away.”

“I get that,” Jen sympathised. “But with Doug?”

“Not like this.”

“Why?”

“It’s too much to expect.”

“I don’t think you’re expecting too much of him. I don’t think you’re expecting too much of any of us. You would have done exactly the same if the roles were reversed. You probably would have done more.” 

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Explain it to me then because I think you’re worrying over nothing.”

Jack took a deep breath. “It’s too much to expect him to feel the same when I’m like this.”

Jen shook her head. “When you’re like what?” she asked sternly. “You are still you.”

“Am I?”

“Of course you are.”

“I can’t work. Can’t drive. Can hardly walk.”

“Do you think any of those things make you who you are?”

“Every time he touches me I see his fear. Like I could break.”

Jen smiled sympathetically, lifting Amy from Jack’s lap, walking her over to her stroller and strapping her in, wanting to focus her attention on Jack. “You need to appreciate how difficult these last few weeks have been on him. He was the only one of us that saw you straight after the accident. It must have been terrifying.”

“I know,” Jack hung his head. “I understand. But what if that’s it now. All he sees.”

“It’s not.”

“I’m like something from a horror movie. Stitches, broken bones, bruises. How do I know what other parts of me are broken?” 

“Like what?” Jen laughed slightly.

Jack blushed, really hoping he did not have to spell it out to her. “What if things aren’t like before?”

Jen’s looked at him slightly confused, realising that she was missing the point.

“He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but what if it’s more than that?” he said, eyes widening, begging her to understand.

“Oh God,” she replied, eyes as wide as his. “You’re talking about sex.”

“Jen!” Jack groaned, his eyes darting to his door, slightly open, hoping no one could hear.

“You are though, right?” she smiled. “I really should have picked up on that sooner.”

“We shouldn’t talk about this in front of Amy,” he blushed.

“She’s a baby. How do you think she was made?” Jen laughed, taking hold of Jack’s hand. “What are you worried about exactly?”

“Can we just forget it?”

“No - definitely not. I live for these conversations with you.”

Jack shook his head, leaning back. “You need to stop living vicariously through me.”

“At least that way I can’t get pregnant again,” she smiled. “Come on, tell me. It’s clearly bothering you.”

“What if after everything,” Jack took another deep breath. “I just disappoint him?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” she asked. “If you’re that worried you should talk to him about it, but I can’t imagine a single situation where that would be the case. I think this is just anxiety. I mean, you have no reason to think they’ll be a problem, right?” she asked, her eye drifting down his body.

“My eyes are up here!” he snapped, making her laugh. 

“I think you need to stop worrying. I know it’s your favourite pastime but give yourself a break. It’s not like it took this experience for Doug to realise he loves you. He’s always known he loved you. The only thing that’s changed is that he’s more open out it. That’s a good thing.”

“Is it?”

“Of course it is,” she smiled softly, glancing back to Amy in her stroller, making sure she was still happy. “How could it not be?”

“If he did it for me,” Jack sighed, his head spinning trying to get everything out the way he wanted to. “And then regrets it.”

“Jack,” Jen shook her head – a slight smile creeping over her face, knowing he had nothing to worry about. “That’s not going to happen. Even if he did this because everything that has happened, he’s done it just as much for himself as he has for you.”

“What if he feels as though we have to stay together just because of everything?”

“Doug does not strike me as the type of man who does things because he feels he’s supposed to. You know that. I know you know that. You’re just scared and that’s okay. Things have changed – in ways and for reasons that are completely out of your control.”

“You think I’m just stressing over nothing?”

“Honestly?” Jen smiled. “A little bit – yes. It sounds to me like you are trying to come up with a hundred reasons why things can’t work to give yourself a way out, when actually you just need to focus on the one main reason it will work. Just let relax and let things happen.”

“What’s the one main reason?” he asked confused

“Love,” she smiled, rolling her eyes. “And here I was hoping the crash would have knocked some sense into you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Pacey looked down at the figures on the page in front of him, trying to make them add up. Hoping if he looked at it one more time it would cancel out all the times over the last hours that he had stared at them and could not make sense of them. This was probably the sign he was looking for that it was time to find himself an accountant, slightly annoyed that none of his friends have ventured down that career path. He rested his forehead against the wood of his desk and let out a groan._

_Hearing the knock at the door he did not even bother looking up. “I thought I said only disturb me if the place is burning down or Claudia Schiffer walks in.”_

_“I know,” the waitress at the door said._

_“I don’t smell smoke,” Pacey said raising his head. “So I guess today is my lucky day.”_

_“It’s your brother,” the waitress said, ignoring Pacey’s joke._

_“And how exactly did you manage to get the two muddled up?”_

_“He’s at the bar,” she continued. “Mike doesn’t want to serve him.”_

_“Why not?” Pacey asked. “If he’s saying he gets to drink for free, he’s telling the truth. The amount of money I borrowed from him to get this place he’ll be drinking for free for the rest of his life.”_

_“I think he was already drinking before he got here,” she explained._

_“Are you telling me that my brother is drunk?” Pacey said, standing from his desk and heading towards the door._

_“Not drunk,” she shrugged. “But definitely getting there.”_

_Pacey glanced over her shoulder, spotting Doug sat at the bar, definitely not looking his best. “Okay, I’ll deal with him,” he said to the waitress as he made his way over. “Is everything alright over here?”_

_Doug looked at him as though he had appeared from nowhere. “Pacey!” he said, far louder than necessary. “Thank god you’re here. Please tell Mike here that I am more than capable of knowing when I have had enough to drink,” he said, emphasising the word ‘Mike’ for effect._

_Pacey leaned in next to him. “Do you think that maybe you actually have had enough?”_

_“No,” Doug said simply. “Because I can still feel things. Therefore I have not reached the level of drunk I am aiming for.”_

_“Ah,” Pacey nodded in understanding. “You’re that kind of drinking.” He looked around the bar, a reasonable number of people now coming in for a Saturday night drink or meal. Slightly concerned that Doug may say something he would regret, Pacey decided it was best to take his brother somewhere more private. “Why don’t you come to my office?”_

_“I have it on good authority that the whiskey is out here,” Doug replied, once again looking over at Mike. “Come on, Mike, make it a large one.”_

_Mike looked over at Pacey, unsure what to do._

_“God, I’m going to regret this,” Pacey groaned. “Mike, pass me a bottle of whiskey. I’m taking the night off.”_

_“Are you sure?” Mike asked, eyes briefly moving back to Doug._

_“Yes, Mike, he’s sure,” Doug rolled his eyes._

_“You don’t have to keep saying his name,” Pacey said to his brother, taking hold of his arm and tugging him down off the barstool, grateful that he was still able to stand. He looked over at Mike apologetically. “I have this under control.”_

_Mike nodded skeptically, gabbing a bottle and a couple of glasses and handed them over the bar to his boss. “Are you sure you don’t want some coffee?”_

_“That’s not how this is going to play out,” Pacey said shaking his head knowingly. “Right, come on, you walk to my office without falling over and I’ll consider pouring you that whiskey you’ve been asking for.”_

_“Easy,” Doug said, heading in the direction of Pacey’s office, bumping into the corner of one the tables on his way._

_Pacey followed behind, standing in the doorway as he watched Doug slump down into one of the chairs before following him in, closing the door behind him. “Do I even need to ask?”_

_“I didn’t come here to talk,” Doug groaned. “So please put a pin whatever sanctimonious bullshit you’re planning on spouting.”_

_“Wow – okay,” Pacey nodded, opening the bottle and pouring two large glasses of whiskey. “So this is definitely Jack related.”_

_Doug took one of the glasses from Pacey, immediately taking a large mouthful. “You were right – the whole thing is impossible.”_

_“Did I say that?”_

_“You told me that he’s stubborn and best I could hope for was friendship,” Doug reminded him, raising the glass to his mouth again. “Guess what – I’ve blown that too.”_

_“What happened? I thought you two were back on track.”_

_“So did I,” Doug shook his head, downing the rest of his glass, reaching it in Pacey’s direction to refill._

_Pacey sat on the edge of his desk, waiting for Doug to continue, soon realising that he was not going to._

_“Pacey, I just want to drink.”_

_“Okay,” Pacey nodded, joining his brother in his endeavor. “But there’s only so long that will work for.”_

***

_Jack stood outside the Icehouse wondering if this was a good idea. He had spent the whole day going over everything that happened between him and Doug. He had not slept – replaying every word that had flooded out of him. How somehow keeping it all in had caused it all to spill out of him with far greater force and severity than he had intended. He had spent hours trying to figure out what it was making him pull back so harshly. Trying to figure out why he could not seem to move past what had happened. It was not the worst thing someone had done to him, but still it felt like a knife in his chest and every time he saw Doug it was as though the knife was being twisted a little more._

_He kept coming back to the same thing – if this was a sign of things to come; if Doug was always going to choose protecting his reputation over making a life with him, then Jack did not want to wait until the next time something happened. He did not want to know the pain of going through this again having fallen deeper in love with a man that he knew from the beginning could never truly be his. He was frustrated with himself for letting himself believe it could work, for allowing himself to get comfortable. Hated himself for falling in love with a man that would never be what he needed – fearing that to Doug this was simply a game of cat and mouse, an experiment, a chance to dip his toe into a world he was curious about with no intention of ever fully submersing himself in. He did not want to be anyone’s test run. Especially Doug’s. He wanted to be his everything._

_He opened the door to the Icehouse, looking around for his friend, not wanting to be there long. He just wanted to say what he need to say and leave as quickly as possible._

_Realising he could not see Pacey anywhere he caught the attention of one of the young waiting staff. “Is Pacey in the kitchen tonight?” he asked, hoping that was not the case._

_“Not tonight,” the boy said. “Try his office.”_

_“Thanks,” Jack nodded, quickly heading in that direction, noticing the door was closed. He was about to knock when he noticed two figures visible through the frosted glass and paused, suddenly able to hear the voice that never failed to cause butterflies to erupt in his stomach. He stepped back from the door as though he had been burned, but could not bring himself to walk away – knowing this could be the last time he heard that voice for some time._

__

__

__

***

_“Do you really think drinking is the answer?” Pacey asked, having already watched Doug finish off two large measures. “How is this going to help?”_

__

_“It won’t help,” Doug shrugged, wishing the alcohol was having a greater impact on him. “But it’s not going to make things worse either. This is rock bottom, Pacey. This is it.”_

_“What is going on?”_

_“What is going on?” Doug could not help but laugh slightly. “That seems to be the million dollar question.” He leaned forward in his chair, curled over the glass in his hand. “Do you think we’re cursed? Witters, destined to be unlucky in love?”_

_“I know it feels like that sometimes,” Pacey shrugged. “But you know there’s no such thing as a curse, right?”_

_“Okay – maybe not a curse. But karma or some fucked up version of cosmic ordering maybe,” Doug shook his head._

_“Why do you think that?”_

_“I spent my whole life doing whatever I could to shut everyone out, to try and exist as an island – not wanting anyone to get too close, not wanting to accept who I am or what that meant for my life. Ultimately accepting I would be alone.”_

_Pacey sat listening to his brother talking, having never really heard him speak so honestly about his feelings._

_“Then Jack comes along,” Doug shook his head. “And it’s like the whole world is turned upside down. Everything that I had worked so hard to silence and switch off suddenly turns on at full volume – completely impossible to ignore.”_

_“I’m familiar with the feeling,” Pacey sympathised._

_Doug finished what he had left in his glass, reaching it back to Pacey for a refill. “It’s not like I don’t get it. I messed up,” he continued, shaking his head. “I know that. I know that I’ve done things that have hurt him – but are they really that unforgivable?”_

_Pacey did not respond, knowing that Doug was not really expecting him to._

_“Sure, I’m not ready to shout it from the roof tops. I’m not ready for everyone to know. But that doesn’t mean I love him less.”_

_From the other side of the door Jack continued to listen; his back pressed against the wall, ear close to the door. He knew he should walk away. He knew that he should not be listening but he was unable to move. The sound of Doug’s voice breaking his heart even more._

_“I mean, fuck, Pacey – I never thought I would love anyone,” Doug said, drinking again._

_“I’ll drink to that,” Pacey muttered._

_“Not like this. Not to the point where it feels like I can’t even breathe without him. I can’t think straight. Terrified that he will realise that I’m in way over my head. This is all new to me.”_

_“Of course it is,” Pacey comforted._

_“I just thought that he wanted all the things I wanted. Last weekend, when we talked about what we thought the future had in store…” Doug stopped, lost in the fantasy of the life he wanted more than anything. “That’s all I want. But it’s nothing without him.”_

_Jack could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly. His mind was racing. Wondering why hearing Doug say these things to someone else made them feel so much more real than we he had said them to him. Something in his voice sounded more genuine; more vulnerable – as though his guard had finally dropped; saying what he meant rather than what he thought Jack wanted to hear._

_“I know I’ve given him reason to doubt me,” Doug said, hanging his head. “I just don’t know how to fix it. Every time I try I just make it worse.”_

_“What if Jack is right?” Pacey asked softly. “What if this is for the best?”_

_Doug looked up at him as though he had been electrocuted. “Do you think that?”_

_“What I think isn’t really important. I’m asking what you think.”_

_Doug thought for a second, trying to fight back the tears that so far he had managed to keep at bay. “I think he’s wrong,” he said simply. “He means everything to me. This is more than some drop in the ocean relationship. I thought it was forever. How can it be right to love someone and not be with them?”_

_“Have you not told him that?”_

_“I thought I had,” Doug shrugged, wiping away a tear that managed to escape. “I really thought this was it. That he was the one. I thought Jack felt the same. I thought we had something worth fighting for. Clearly he doesn’t.”_

_Pacey nodded, not really sure what to say._

_“My love life it a joke,” Doug said, drinking again. “And the punch line is that after all the running I did for all those years; I end up falling in love with the one person who is even better at it that I am. Jack’s right. This can never work.”_

_Jack leant his head back against the wall, eyes squeezed closed, guilt racing through his body. Doug was right. About them. About him. He felt sick to his stomach – knowing he was responsible for the pain in Doug’s voice. Wishing he could go back to the night before and given Doug a chance to talk rather than push him away. Now it was too late. Now Doug realised exactly want he had tried to keep hidden._

_He needed to leave. He needed put as much distance between them as possible – Not wanting to be caught. Not wanting to infect Doug with anymore of his poison. Almost tripping over his feet as he pulled away from the wall he made his way back through the restaurant, unable to breathe._

_Pacey saw sudden movement behind the door. The Jack-shaped shadow that had been lurking now gone. He glanced down at his brother as he stood from his desk. “I think it’s time for coffee. I’ll be right back.”_

_He saw Doug nod slightly as he quickly left his office, eyes scanning the restaurant for his friend, just catching sight of him speedily walking through the door. He picked up pace, wanting to catch up him up._

_“Jack,” he called, dashing through the door, spotting him on the boardwalk. “Jack, wait!”_

_“No, Pacey. I shouldn’t be here,” Jack said dismissively, hearing his friend catching up with him._

_“But you are here,” Pacey said, reaching out and taking hold of his shoulder. “Why?”_

_Feeling Pacey’s hand, Jack stopped. “I don’t know. I came by to let you know that I wouldn’t be coming by for a while. To give Doug some space.”_

_“He doesn’t want space,” Pacey said simply. “You heard him – right? He’s completely broken.”_

_“Pacey, please – I know, okay?” Jack said pulling away from him. “I know.”_

_“So that’s it? You both walk away and spend you lives apart and miserable?”_

_Jack rubbed his hands over his face, no idea what the right thing was anymore. “It’s too late. I’ve blown it.”_

_“No,” Pacey shook his head. “Not yet you haven’t. And from the look on your face neither has he.”_

_“I can’t keep doing this to him,” Jack said, trying to hold it together._

_“So stop.”_

_“I don’t know how,” he snapped back, head down, eyes grazing the ground._

_Pacey softened slightly, reaching his arms out and resting his hands on Jack’s shoulders. “Sure you do. Do both of you a favour – switch off your head and start listening to your heart. I know you both want the same thing.”_

_“We did,” Jack shrugged, moving away from his friend. “I’ve got to go.”_

_“Jack,” Pacey said, watching as he turned and began to walk away, not turning back when hearing his voice. “You can still fix this.”_

__

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pacey poured his brother a cup of coffee before pouring another for himself. He pushed one of the cups across the bar to Doug. It had been days since the suggestion of Jack staying with Doug had been posed, and though Pacey had not asked Jack directly how he felt about the offer, the fact that he was still in the hospital led Pacey to assume that Jack was unsure about taking the leap – something that did not surprise him. So when Doug had walked into the Icehouse looking at though he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, he immediately knew why.

“Is it that he lied, or the fact he doesn’t want to stay with you that bothers you most?” Pacey asked.

“Both?” Doug replied, taking a sip of coffee.

Pacey rolled his eyes slightly. “No, you have to pick one?”

“Why?”

Pacey smiled and rolled his eyes slightly. “Because I don’t have the energy to talk you through two issues.”

“I don’t know,” Doug shrugged. “The second one I guess.”

“Of course,” Pacey nodded, knowingly. “It’s always the bruised ego.”

“This is not about having a bruised ego,” Doug protested. “If he doesn’t want to stay at my place, that’s fine – it’s his choice. But why didn’t he just tell me?”

“So it’s the lie that’s the problem?” Pacey asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t understand why he would rather stay in the hospital longer than necessary rather than stay with me?”

“So we’re back to the ego? Doug, you are making my head spin.”

“This isn’t about my ego,” Doug groaned, beginning to get irritated by his brother’s flippancy. “If it made sense I could accept it.”

“Can you not just accept it because it’s Jack’s choice? One that he seems to have made.”

“I just need to know why.”

“No, you want to know why,” Pacey corrected. “You don’t need to know his reasoning to simply accept his wishes.”

“He’s not telling me his wishes – he’s making excuses,” Doug shook his head.

“Because he loves you,” Pacey said simply. “And maybe he feels as though you’ve already been through enough without hearing that he does not want to move in with you – no matter what his reasons are.”

Doug groaned, knowing that Pacey was probably right – hating to admit it. “I just wish he would talk to me about it. Whatever he has to say. I would understand.”

“Right,” Pacey nodded. “Because that is definitely something Jack would do,” he said sarcastically. “You have met Jack before, right?”

Doug laughed slightly, as irritating as Pacey was being, he had a point. His experience with Jack had taught him that he would need to figure out the problem and then work backwards to find the solution. “If I just understood why I know I could fix it.”

“Somethings aren’t meant to be fixed,” Pacey said. “Other than Jack not wanting to live with you, everything seems good between you. Maybe you just need to let this one go.”

“You know as well as I do that I can’t do that.”

Pacey groaned, resting his head against the wood of the bar. “Have you ever thought about going to Jen with your problems?”

“Pacey, please.”

“Fine, but I am really beginning to wonder which one of us is actually dating Jack, because from where I’m standing this is all pretty obvious.”

“Care to share?”

“Doug, come on,” Pacey shook his head. “Which of the two of you have lost part of their memory?”

“Pacey, as much as I’m enjoying all of your little jibes could you please stop milking this and just be helpful?”

Pacey took a long gulp of coffee before putting his cup back down on the bar. “I swear, I am going to start charging for my services. This is your last freebie.”

“Pacey!” Doug snapped, growing increasingly fed up.

“Okay,” Pacey laughed. “Relax. This one is so simple I’m sure I can have it wrapped up with enough time for you stop off and buy me a thank you gift and still get back to work before the end of your lunchbreak.”

“Feel free to begin whenever you like.”

“What was the one thing I told you Jack does not do?” Pacey asked. 

“What?” Doug asked, confused by Pacey question.

“The first time you came to me for help. Telling me Jack was pushing you away; trying to take your head off with a jar of sauce – remember it?”

“Vividly,” Doug groaned.

“What did I tell you Jack would never show you?”

Doug looked up at his brother, suddenly realising that Pacey was doing more than just trying to annoy him. “Vulnerability.”

“You were listening. A+,” Pacey grinned. “If Jack was willing to end your relationship rather than showing you his vulnerable side, do you really think he would think twice about spending a few extra days in hospital instead putting himself in your hands.”

“But he hates being in hospital,” Doug shook his head – not wanting to believe that staying would be Jack’s preferred option. “It doesn’t make sense.”

“Of course it does,” Pacey laughed, knowing his brother would not like the truth. “It makes perfect sense.”

“It’s not like he’s completely bed bound. He can do most things for himself now. Being at mine would just make all of that easier.”

“It absolutely would make things easier for him. But he’s not thinking about himself,” Pacey explained. “Now, make sure you’re sitting comfortably and listening closely because I’m only going to say this once,” Pacey smiled. “How many times did Jack move out of the numerous houses he shared with Jen and Grams – only to end up going back? Two, three times? Not because he didn’t want to be with them, but because there’s only so long you can do that for before you start to feel like a burden. That even when someone tells you otherwise, you fear that they are helping you out of obligation rather than actual want.”

“But he’s not a burden,” Doug shook his head. “And I certainly don’t feel under any obligation to have him stay with me. I want him to.”

“Right,” Pacey nodded. “You have me convinced. Now you just need to convince Jack. Good luck with that by the way.”

“How am I supposed to convince him?” 

“You probably can’t,” Pacey shrugged, receiving an unimpressed look from Doug. “Not with words anyway. This one is definitely going to be one of those situations where actions speak louder. He’s probably already tried to test you.”

“What do you mean?” Doug asked, suddenly concerned that he may have already failed a test without knowing.

“I don’t know. Jack does not exactly come with a handbook,” Pacey shrugged. “But my guess would be that he wants to know that you still feel the same about him as you did before the accident. That you’re not going to treat him any differently. That you’re not just going through the motions.”

Doug thought back over the last few days, suddenly remembering Jack’s comments and behaviour immediately after Doug had offered for him to move in – as though he was trying to gauge Doug’s motives and feelings. “Shit,” Doug shook his head. “I’ve already failed.”

“I could have told you that,” Pacey smiled. “I don’t think you need my help to figure out how to fix it.”

“No,” Doug shook his head.

“Thank God for that,” Pacey laughed. “I wear a medium. Eleven in shoes. I’ll leave it to you to pick out the most appropriate thank you gift.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack was surprised that he had managed to sleep. He was even more surprised when he woke up knowing exactly what needed to be done. Doug’s words had seeped into his dreams, playing over and over until Doug’s pain and flowed through Jack’s body as though they were linked by more than just the fear of what they could lose, but also the love of what they had – the promise of what could be._

_Hearing Doug talk about him the night before – freely and uninhibited, it had hit Jack how deeply Doug felt for him, removing the doubt he had about Doug holding back. Realising that only made Jack feel worse for pulling back – realising how that must have felt to the other man, why he had been unable to give him the space he was craving; scared that distance would be the final blow that they would not be able to come back from._

_As though they were joined by an invisible thread, Jack intrinsically knew where to find Doug – like he was being pulled towards him, unable to resist. It did not take him long to find him as he walked down the beach in the late morning sun – slightly surprised that Doug was out of bed. It sounded like he had been drinking pretty heavily the night before. As soon as Jack spotted the other man sat down by the water his heart began to pound, his stomach churning – the feelings only growing in intensity the closer he got to him._

_He paused for a moment stood next to him, looking out in the same direction Doug was – eyes fixed on the water. “May I sit?” he asked – his voice sounding foreign even to himself._

_Doug simply shrugged, not moving his eyes from the waves. He knew that no matter what he said Jack would sit; he would start talking – initiating a sequence of events that would leave him even more broken than he already felt._

_Nodding slightly, having not expected a verbal response, he sat down in the sand, legs bent in front of him. “I thought I’d find you here.”_

_Doug finally turned to look at him – his tears streaks, both old and new, visible on his face. Jack could not bring himself to look at him, his eyes dipping to the sand beneath them, not wanting to accept what he had caused._

_“I don’t need the small talk,” Doug said, his voice hoarse._

_“Doug,” Jack said softly, reaching out to take his hand only to have it pulled away. He took a deep breath, feeling sick to his stomach. “Please.”_

_“Please?” Doug repeated. “What do you want from me?” His eyes stared back at Jack, noticing the lack of colour in his cheeks, the way he could not hold eye contact for more than a moment or two. “You’ve clearly come here to say something.”_

_“I have,” Jack nodded, trying to cut in but not quite managing to keep Doug from speaking._

_“So get on with it,” he continued, “because right now I don’t think I can feel any worse so the kindest thing you could do is just do it.”_

_“Doug,” Jack said again, trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing, having expected resistance but not quite so much animosity._

_As though Jack’s inability to get his words out was the greatest insult, Doug grew more hostile. “You know what? Don’t bother – I get it,” he said, pushing himself up off the sand, suddenly startled by a hand gripping onto his, pulling him back down._

_“I don’t think you do get it,” Jack said, eyes narrowed, looking at him closely, trying to figure out what was going through his mind._

_“Please just let me leave with a bit of my dignity intact,” Doug groaned, shaking his head softly. “This is already excruciating enough.”_

_“Just let me talk,” Jack said, wanting to shake the man in front of him._

_“What is there to say?”_

_“This,” Jack said, leaning forward, the tiniest hint of a smile on his lips, his hand still clinging onto Doug’s, his other hand moving to his cheek, nerves racing through him – praying this was not a mistake. He saw the moment of realisation in Doug’s eyes the split second before his eyes closed, closing the gap between them. Feeling more unsure than he was willing to accept, he finally felt his lips meet the other man’s – hardly moving, barely touching, like they were meeting for the first time. He felt Doug’s hand within his own suddenly tighten around his fingers, giving him the courage to inch closer, increasing the firmness of his kiss, suddenly aware that Doug’s lips were moving against his in response._

_Remembering where they were, with the potential of being spotted by virtually anyone, Jack pulled away slightly, his hand remaining on Doug’s cheek. “Could you please shut up,” he smiled softly._

_Doug opened his mouth to say something, quickly closing it, simply nodding._

_“I don’t want to call it a day,” Jack said, his voice breaking, suddenly unable to hold back his own tears. “I don’t want this to be over, and I’m sorry for everything I have don’t recently to make you think that.”_

_Doug stared back at him as though he was trying to figure out if he had just imagined the last few moments – the tears mirrored in Jack’s eyes leaving him questioning if he had heard him right._

_“I was just so scared that you were going to change your mind. That eventually you were going to decided that I am not enough to fill the hole left by everything you think you’re going to lose by being with me. That one day you will look at me with nothing but regret,” Jack explained, his tears still falling. “I spent the whole week making a list of pros and cons, trying to imagine every possible scenario, and as the cons list grew, and kept growing, I became more and more scared. Scared that we’re at different places, that we want different things, that the longer I allowed this to go on, the more hurt we would both feel when the inevitable end came.”_

_“Why are you here now if that’s the case?” Doug asked, still feeling as though his world was about to be pulled out from under him._

_“Because I realised something while looking at the list,” Jack said softly. “It doesn’t matter what is on the cons list. All that matters is that at the very top of the pros is the fact that I love you.”_

_Doug closed his eyes, tears escaping out the corners of his eyes as he nodded slightly, finally feeling as though the ground beneath him was solid again._

_“And all I needed to know to make the pros a safe bet is that you love me too.”_

_“I do,” Doug said, worried for a moment that he was not going to get any sound out._

_Jack nodded, lowering his head as his tears swelled, previously unaware of how badly he needed that confirmation. Worried that everything he had heard the night before no longer stood. Doug watched as Jack’s shoulders began to shake, his hand covering his eyes._

_“Hey,” he said softly, laying his hand on Jack’s shoulder. “That’s a good thing, right?”_

_Jack nodded, laughing slightly as he continued to cry – everything tumbling out of him all at once. He used his sleeve to wipe away his tears, turning to look at Doug, the sun shining perfectly behind him. “I didn’t mean what I said the other day. I do trust you.”_

_“I know,” Doug nodded. “I shouldn’t have pushed.”_

_Jack smiled softly. “It’s like you said. It’s not right to love each other and not be together.”_

_Doug looked at him slightly confused, trying to figure out when he had said that. The memory of the night before flooding back – sketchy pieces of conversation, the taste of whisky. “Have you been talking to Pacey?”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head. “But you have. I just may have overheard some of it.”_

_“May have?” Doug asked._

_“I went by the Icehouse to see Pacey. I didn’t plan of listening. I just froze.”_

_Doug tried to think through everything he had said; all the things Jack may have heard. “How much did you hear?”_

_“Enough,” Jack replied softly. “Enough to convince me that you invested in us. Enough to calm my fears that maybe I was the only one that was going to be hurt if this ended.”_

_“You really thought that?” Doug asked, feeling a sting. “Is that how I made you feel?”_

_“I know it wasn’t intentional,” Jack replied, trying to reduce the pain he could see etched on Doug’s face. “And I don’t feel that anymore. But with everything that happened, it was the only rational thought my irrational fear could find.”_

_Doug sat for a moment, not wanting to rush into a response. “I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”_

_“If it’s any consolation, I don’t want to run anymore. I don’t want to push you away anymore. I want to work through this with you and have that future we talked about. I’ve never wanted that before. It terrifies me that I feel like this.”_

_“Just remember that I feel the same,” Doug assured._

_“I know – that’s the terrifying part,” Jack laughed slightly._

_Doug smiled, pulling Jack closer. “I meant what I said last night. As surprising as all this has been to me, it’s everything I could ever want. This isn’t a practice run. This isn’t me trying to figure out my feelings. I have never been more sure of anything in my life. You are the only thing that has ever made sense to me – even when I have no idea what’s going on.”_

_Jack rested his head on Doug’s shoulder. “Do you think we’ll be okay?”_

_Doug nodded, wrapping his arm around him, turning so he could kiss Jack again, wanting for just a couple of seconds to ignore the voices in his head telling him to be vigilant of his surroundings. He needed Jack to know that he had no doubts anymore. “I know we will.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug paused before opening the door, taking a deep breath – readying himself for what was to come. He knew that no matter what, he could not leave Jack’s room without making it clear to the other man exactly how he felt – about Jack staying with him, how he felt about him, that nothing had changed. That nothing was ever going to change when it came to how he felt. Even if that meant years of Jack pushing him away whenever things became a little too real, years of reminding him that he would not simply walk away, years or reassuring Jack that he had stayed because of love.

He nodded slightly – an external manifestation of his internal pep talk, opening the door abruptly, forgetting to knock, worried he would lose his nerve.

Jack looked up at him, startled, a surprised expression on his face. “You’re back.”

Doug nodded again, his hand still on the door handle, barely through the door. “You lied.”

“What?” Jack said, his face growing a little more pale as he watched Doug gently close the door.

“I know you lied,” Doug said, his voice calm. “And I don’t care that you lied.”

“You don’t?” Jack said, raising an eyebrow, wondering what was going on. He sat up a little higher in his bed, waiting for Doug to move away from the door – looking as though he had not made up his mind if he was coming or going.

“No, I don’t,” he smiled – the tension lifting a little. “I wish you didn’t feel like you had to, but I understand. I should have realised before what was going on.”

“And what exactly is going on?” Jack asked, shuffling to the edge of the bed, wondering if he was going to have to go get Doug in order to lure him away from the door.

“The same thing that went on a couple of months ago,” Doug smiled softly, laughing a little. “Except you don’t remember.”

Jack looked at him confused. “I don’t remember what?” he asked nervously.

“That we’ve been through this. That we’ve talk about this. That I know how your brain works,” he said simply.

“Or doesn’t work,” Jack smiled, wondering what this feeling was. Confused that their conversation felt serious, but Doug’s tone was light and calm.

“That too,” Doug laughed, appreciating Jack’s comic relief. “You’re pushing me away because you don’t trust that I will still be there if things get tough.”

“No,” Jack shook his head.

“It’s okay. This is old news to me,” Doug shrugged. 

“I don’t want you to feel burdened,” Jack corrected.

“I could never feel burdened by you,” Doug said adamantly. “Never.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I do,” Doug replied. “Because love is not a burden. Love is not feeling obligated or doing things because people expect you to. Love is caring for someone because they are the most precious thing to you. It’s knowing that their happiness is your happiness. Their health is your health and everything you do to strengthen them in turn also strengthens you. It’s about knowing that when you need something; whatever it may be, someone is there for you.”

Jack looked back at him speechless. He had not expected Doug to walk in and start pouring his heart out. He shuffled a little more towards the side of the bed, swinging his legs over the edge – realising he had no next move; just starting at Doug.

“I love you. And as much as you hate needing my help, you just need to get over it, because I am here and will do whatever you need to feel better. I can assure you that at no point have I felt obligated to do anything and I never will. You have to remember that however much you need me over the next few weeks and months,” Doug took a breath, a tear rolling down his cheek, “I need you more.”

Jack shook his head, trying to stop the tremble of his lip, squeezing his eyes closed.

“I need you, Jack. I don’t want another day of my life to go by feeling as though I could lose you. I knew that before the accident but going through all of this by your side has confirmed it. So I need you to get over whatever excuses you have rolling through your head as to why moving in with me is a mistake, because nothing about us will ever be a mistake.”

“You still feel the same as you did before?” Jack asked softly, knowing his main concern that Doug’s feelings had changed but felt obligated to carry on regardless

“No,” Doug shook his head, smiling slightly. “I love you more. I love you better. I appreciate you in a way that was not possible before.”

“Anything else?” Jack laughed.

“Yes, actually,” Doug smiled, turning back to the door, reaching out and turning the lock. “I have missed you more than you’ll ever know.”

Jack looked at him questioningly as Doug seemed to spring into life, shrugging off his jacket and tossing it onto the chair as he moved directly towards him, his hands quickly and deliberately finding Jack’s cheeks, kissing him as though his life depended on it. His hands moved down Jack’s sides, running gently over his thighs, parting them enough for him to move closer, pressing up against him. 

“What are you doing?” Jack grinned.

“What I wanted to do the other day,” he said with a smile, his mouth finding Jack’s once again, one hand on Jack’s hip to keep him in place and pushed up against him, the other looping around the back on Jack’s neck, fingers playing in the hair at the back of his head – his senses going into overdrive, remembering how perfectly their bodies went together.

“Have you forgotten where we are?” Jack teased, remind Doug of his words from days before.

“I don’t care,” he said, continuing to kiss the other man, unbuttoning his own shirt before removing it.

Jack pulled back breathlessly, his questioning eyes scanning Doug. “You’re serious.”

“Completely,” Doug smirked. “It’s going to take more than a run in with a truck for you to no longer be the sexiest person in any room.”

Jack could not help but laugh, shaking his head as he reached out for Doug, pulling him close enough to kiss him again. “Whatever you say, Sheriff.”

“I want to see you,” Doug said, his voice low – his hands moving to the fastenings of Jack’s gown, making light work of opening it enough for Jack to shrug it off – letting it fall to his waist. His eyes scanned Jack’s abdomen – the scars of his surgery no longer covered – visible in all their glory for the first time.

“I know it’s not pretty,” Jack said softly. 

Doug shook his head, kissing Jack more tenderly. “They don’t bother me,” he said honestly. “They’re not what I see what I look at you.”

“Have you rehearsed all this?” Jack smiled, pressing his face into the curve of Doug’s neck, impressed by how Doug was taking everything in his stride; saying exactly what he needed to hear.

“Only in my dreams every night for the last few weeks,” Doug smiled, feeling Jack laugh against his skin.

His mouth moved back to Jack’s, kissing him with the same passion as he had before, savouring the feel of Jack responding with the same enthusiasm – something his dreams could never compete with. Simply feeling Jack’s skin beneath his fingertips, the feel of his tongue moving against his own, his arms pulling Doug closer – it was enough to drive him wild. 

While trying not to break their kiss, he reached down, carefully but swiftly removing all remaining fabric enjoying the free pass to Jack’s body. Reaching between them, his hand found Jack’s hardened length and began to stroke it rhythmically, feeling the shiver run through Jack’s body – his mouth moving against his own more frantically. 

Jack’s hands reached out to the fastening of Doug’s jeans, trying desperately to unbutton them with his one good hand and the fingertips of the other. “Help,” he groaned against Doug’s mouth, realising he could not manage on his own. Doug’s free hand moved quickly to help Jack’s eager one, managing together to achieve their goal. Jack pushed the tightened fabric down over Doug’s ass and down his thighs, quickly doing the same with his underwear. 

Wrapping his braced leg around Doug he drew him closer, moving Doug’s hand from between them, simply wanting to feel Doug thrust up against him – skin to skin – heat on heat. He moaned loudly as Doug obliged, grinding against him like a couple of eager and inexperienced teenagers. Jack’s hands wrapped around Doug’s shoulder, once again shuffling in an attempt to find a position that would work, wondering if Doug already had this planned out.

Doug’s hands moved to his hips as he leant forward, encouraging Jack backwards, lying the wrong way across the bed. Jack lifted his hips to allow Doug to pull him closer, inadvertently pressing up against Doug a little harder than before, causing Doug to moans against his ear. Jack tried to prop himself up on his elbows, wincing in pain as his ribs refused to allow him to do so, falling back again. 

“Change of plan,” Doug said, thinking out loud, helping Jack sit up a little, quickly grabbing his pillows and positioning them behind him, moving him a little more diagonally before lowering him back down, once again manoeuvring Jack’s hips closer to the edge of the bed until he looked comfortable – grateful that Jack was not any taller. “Better?”

Jack nodded, pushing back up against the other man, begging for him to carry on, his hand looping around the back of Doug’s neck, pulling his mouth back to his, kissing him deeply, knowing what was about to come – pushing up against Doug more vigorously as he felt the first of Doug’s fingers pushing inside him. He pulled his mouth away from Doug’s, clenching his jaw, bracing himself for the second finger, squirming slightly as Doug continued to twist and manipulate.

“Please,” Jack moaned, worried he would not last if Doug continued the way he was going – knowing that even though Doug had locked the door, they would not have long.

Doug nodded, understanding Jack’s plea perfectly, positioning himself before leaning back over Jack’s body, kissing him softly as his hands gripped Jack’s hips more tightly as he slowly pushed himself forward, the feeling of Jack’s body tightening around him making him pause, trying to catch his breath. He stopped kissing Jack, resting his forehead against the other man’s, trying desperately not to swear.

Jack laughed ever so slightly, his chest rising and falling quickly – nervous excitement flowing through him. The adrenaline coursing through his veins enough to make him forget about any discomfort – trying to ignore the pain coming from his injured leg hanging over the edge of the bed. As though Doug could read his thoughts with just one look, he looped his hand under Jack’s knee, supporting that leg as he slowly began to thrust forward – smiling as Jack looped his other leg around him, controlling the speed of Doug’s movements, letting Doug know he was ready for more. 

Jack closed his eyes, swallowing hard, pushing back into the pillows that Doug had positioned for him – his back arching, pushing his lower body more firmly into Doug. His breath caught with each of Doug’s thrusts, feeling his lungs working hard to sustain him following the damage they endured. He felt lightheaded – unsure if it was through lack of breath or simply being intoxicated by close proximity of the other man. Either way the pleasure more than outweighed all other feelings – and then Doug started touching him again, almost making him jump out of his skin.

Doug tried to maintain a rhythm – knowing this would never go down at their most skillful session. It was clumsy and awkward. The surroundings were the least romantic thing he could imagine – but every movement, every adjustment, every stroke and thrust felt more incredible than anything he could imagine. The sheer fact that he was with Jack was enough to make it perfect. Taking a few deep breaths, he leant forward, kissing Jack softly as he tried to maintain his other movements – Jack’s hand gently combing through his hair as though suddenly everything was in slow motion. Even the moans coming from Jack sounded long and drawn out, punctuated by gasps for breath. He looked at him cautiously, suddenly feeling a little weary – knowing that just because it was what Jack wanted did not mean he was ready for it.

“I’m good,” Jack gasped, seeing the flash of concern covering Doug’s face. “I’m good,” he repeated, desperate for Doug to carry on – closing the gap between their mouths once more, kissing him greedily. 

Doug steadied himself a little, lifting back up, once again thrusting a little more vigorously, his hand continuing its mission, choosing to believe Jack when he said he was fine – knowing that questioning him would only undo the steps forward he had managed. Even so he knew he was holding back a little, not wanting to lose complete self-control – feeling as though he needed some level of control over the situation, feeling constantly on guard.

“Please,” Jack groaned, feeling Doug holding back. “Doug,” he moaned, his eye suddenly widening as he realised what had spilled out of his mouth, the corner of his mouth turning up in a cautious smile as Doug’s eyes found his – the same shock on his face as Jack assumed was on his own. “Doug,” he said again – the word coming out as a whisper, fighting to keep his tears from escaping.

Self-control now completely lost Doug began to thrust with as much force as he could, attempting to replicate the same movement and manipulation that had caused Jack to moan in the way he did in Doug’s dreams – thick and heavy with need, telling Doug that he was close. He watched as Jack raised his arm up, letting it fall across his forehead, as his mouth opened in a silent cry – trying to keep it together as Doug’s movements proved too much for him – causing his climax, breathing heavily, watching as Doug too reached the peak, releasing a growl through gritted teeth that Jack instinctively knew was a combination of his name and a curse word.

“Okay,” Jack nodded, trying to catch his breath, feeling Doug collapse down over him. “That still works.” 

“I’d say so,” Doug laughed against Jack’s cheek as he kissed him. “How long do you think we have before someone tries to come in?”

“Not long,” he smiled, kissing Doug. 

“Okay,” Doug smiled. “I’ll move if you say my name again.”

Jack laughed softly. “I’ll say your name again if you ask me to come stay with you again.”

Doug’s smile grew as he lifted up to get a better view of Jack’s face. He took a deep breath. “Jack, would you like to come home with me?”

Jack nodded, his words momentarily escaping him – touched by Doug’s choice of phrasing. “Yes,” Jack nodded again. “I want that,” he added, bracing himself, praying it would work. “Doug.”

**To be continued…**


	13. Halfway Home

Doug had woken with the feeling of butterflies in his stomach – the sensation growing as though the butterflies were multiplying with every thought of what the day had in store. After the longest and hardest month of his life, it was finally time to bask in the joy of Jack coming home. He had quickly showered and dressed – his fingers a little shaky as he stood in front of the mirror trying to perfect his hair, as though he was going on a date rather than picking Jack up from the hospital. 

He wanted to have everything perfect for him. He had been to Jack’s house the night before and collected everything he thought Jack might need; he had been to the grocery store making sure he had everything Jack may want. He had cleaned and tidied and had his apartment looking as close to perfect as he could, before then going back through and making it less perfect, but more homely. He wanted Jack to feel completely at home – not wanting to fixate on the fact that it was not actually Jack’s home and that one day in the not too distant future Jack would move out again. He tried not to think about how much he dreaded that day; knowing that he just needed to embrace the time he had and not let himself think about how close they had come to losing everything. 

He walked down the corridor towards Jack’s room, relishing the fact that it would be for the last time, pausing just outside of the door, readying himself for the first moment in the next chapter of his life with Jack. A smile spread across his face upon hearing the voices inside the room. The sound of Jack protesting to Jen fussing over him. If Doug closed his eyes and tried hard enough it was almost possible to imagine the last month had never happened.

“Leave me alone,” Jack laughed, swatting Jen’s hand away.

“I’m just trying to fix your hair,” she protested, moving in for another attempt. “You know, if you style your hair this way you can hardly see the scar. Little more hair growth and no one will ever know.”

“What if I want to shave my head?” 

“Then you may as well get a tattoo to match your skin head and scars,” Jen laughed.

“Please don’t,” Doug shook his head, finally walking through the door.

“Morning,” Jack smiled, sitting on the edge of his bed, fully dressed for the first time in weeks.

Doug knew that Jack had asked Jen to come to the hospital first thing and he knew why – knowing that he preferred Jen’s help to get ready. As much as he wanted Jack to feel comfortable enough to ask for his help, he had accepted that he wanted Jen.

“Nice sweater,” Doug said, noting Jack was wearing his brown sweater.

“Thanks,” Jack replied, looking down at himself, having almost forgotten what it was like to be fully dressed. “You should get one.”

Doug smiled, shaking his head, eyes fixed on Jack – a wave of longing crashing down on him hard. Trying desperately to keep it at bay for a little longer. “So,” he cleared his throat. “Are you about ready to get out of here?”

“Yes,” Jack nodded. “Let’s go.”

“Slow down just a minute,” Jen laughed, packing the remainder of Jack’s things into his bag. “You have not been discharged yet.”

“Small technicality,” Jack rolled his eyes, smiling at Doug. “Could you threaten to arrest them if they don’t hurry up?”

“Has he been like this all morning?” Doug asked Jen, sitting down on the bed next to Jack, kissing him softly before taking his hand, noticing that it felt cold.

“Only since he finished getting dressed,” Jen replied. “And if you think he took a long time getting ready before, I hate to tell you that you’ll be waiting even longer now.”

“It’s not my fault that nothing goes with this stupid leg brace,” Jack groaned.

“Just be grateful you are no longer in your cast otherwise Grams’ would have had to have made you pants with Velcro down the side,” Jen teased. “She had her sewing kit poised ready to go.”

Doug could not help but laugh, knowing how much Jack would have hated that.

“Don’t you start,” Jack said, eyes narrowing before smiling. 

“I didn’t say a word,” Doug protested.

“You didn’t have to,” Jack groaned. “I know what you were thinking.”

“No you don’t,” Doug grinned raising his eyebrows suggestively.

“No, but I do, so stop right there,” Jen laughed. 

Doug smiled sheepishly, thumb rubbing over Jack’s hand, trying to warm it a little, looking at him a little more closely, wondering if he looked a little paler than normal or if it was just the contrast on seeing him dressed and ready to leave the hospital. “Has anyone given an indication of how long we could be waiting.”

“Not long hopefully,” Jen answered. “Judy is gathering together the required medication.”

“Speak of the devil,” Jack said as Judy walked through the door.

“You’re going to miss me.” She smiled warmly at Jack as she handed Jen a bag to be packed with the rest of Jack’s things. “You’ll find everything you need in there, including all the information pamphlets.”

“Thank you,” Jack said sincerely. “So I can go?”

Judy looked back at him, still amazed to see how he had bounced back from everything. As her eyes met his she knew that he understood how many odds he had beaten. “Nearly.”

“Nearly?” Doug questioned, wondering what else needed to be done.

“I just need to get you your wheelchair,” she replied, knowing instantly that her statement would be met with protest. 

“I can walk,” Jack argued instantly.

Judy sighed, giving Jack the look that he knew meant that she meant business. “As much as I have enjoyed your fight and resistance over the last few weeks, and as much as I have let you win on occasion this is one you will not be winning. For one last time just do as your told,” she winked. 

“Fine,” Jack groaned.

“Good,” she nodded, heading back to the door. “I’ll be back in just a moment and you can be on your way.”

“I hope you’re going to be as obedient once you get home,” Doug teased.

“Obedient? What am I – a dog?” 

“I wish to retract my comment,” Doug said quickly.

“Wise move,” Jen laughed, zipping up Jack’s bag. “We’re good to go as soon as your chariot arrives.”

Jack nodded, his head swimming, having spent so long wondering if this moment would ever come. Fearing that it never would, or if it did he would be returning to a life that felt foreign to him. There had been days where he had barely been able to think of anything else – imagining the feel of his own pillow, his own sheets wrapped around him, another body next to him as he slept making everything feel so much more bearable. He longed for lights that were less stark, being able to hide away a little better without someone coming to check on him seemingly constantly. He had imagined everything – the taste of good coffee, being able to go wherever he wanted, no more reminders of the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

Somewhere in the midst of his thoughts he had been struck by the potential reality of his freedom. Feeling as though he may as well be moving from one prison to another – not wanting to be seen how he was. Not wanting the eyes of Capeside on him, talking about him – either in sympathy or judgement. The Capeside he had left was not the same one he was returning to. A more knowing town; holding more information to judge him with. His list of indiscretions having grown. Having always known that regardless of Doug’s fears about people finding out his truth, the blame and judgement of the town would always be directed at him – the outsider hellbent on tarnishing the town with his immorality.

It was enough to make him want to hide away. It was enough to make him stop dreaming of the outside world and stop longing for the feel of sunshine on his face. It made him want to go directly home, close the door and stop existing – in turn feeling guilty for not embracing his gift of life with both hands. As the final days and hours passed leading to this very minute the reality of everything had become overwhelming – the anxiety that had been bubbling away inside of him since the very moment he had opened his eyes to the new world, now threatening to erupt out of him like a volcano. Trying to hold it together he took a few deep breaths, wishing his palms did not feel so clammy, wishing Doug had not noticed and was not looking at him with concern.

He gently pulled his hand away from Doug’s grip, slowly pulling himself towards the edge of the bed before standing, needing to release some of the nervous energy coursing through him. He saw Jen glance over to Doug, a silent conversation taking place between them. He was used to it now. He did not care anymore. He just wanted to do what needed to be done – hoping he could.

“Judy will be back in a minute,” Jen said, knowing that if Jack had more mobility he would be pacing the room. 

“I know,” Jack nodded. “I just need to stretch.”

“Are you trying to make a run for it?” Judy asked, walking back into the room pushing a wheelchair, wondering how the room suddenly felt more tense.

“Just proving I can,” Jack smiled.

“We all know what you’re capable of,” Judy replied, wheeling the chair a little closer to him but not all the way, watching as he slowly made his way over and sat down without protest. She leant down behind him, hands on his shoulders, her face turned in towards his ear. “Everything is going to be fine,” she said quietly, feeling his hand find hers on his shoulder and giving it a little squeeze.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, as though it was only meant for her. “For everything.”

“I’m going to miss seeing your face,” she replied, glancing up at Doug and Jen, letting them know that she was going to start wheeling him out without delay – feeling the apprehension beginning to grow, not wanting to give it a chance to set in.

“I guess this is it,” Jen said to Doug, grabbing Jack’s bag.

“Here, let me take that,” Doug said, taking the bag from Jen, glancing in the direction Judy had started taking Jack, trying to ignore the excited butterflies in his stomach suddenly turning to nervous ones.

Jen smiled appreciatively. “It’s all going to be fine.”

Doug nodded, taking a deep breath. “Let’s get out of here. I hate hospitals.”

Jen laughed slightly, looping her arm through Doug’s. “Come on.”

As they walked out of Jack’s room, Doug glanced back over his shoulder one last time, his mind flooded with the memories of fear, heartbreak, love and desire that had been coursing through him for weeks, wanting to leave the negative feelings behind. They followed down the corridor behind Judy, each step taking them a little closer to what they had wanted for so long; the last month suddenly feeling like a blur. 

“He’s very quiet,” Jen said softly, leaning into Doug.

“I thought you said it’s all going to be fine,” Doug groaned. 

“Sorry, you’re right,” Jen nodded, realising she was not helping the tension. Getting a better look at Jack as Judy wheeled him into the elevator she noticing how the colour had drained from his face. 

Jack remained staring directly ahead of him, eyes fixed on the doors of the elevator, trying desperately to take some deep breaths and keep calm. The closer they grew to the entrance of the hospital the more anxious he felt, thinking about how he had arrived weeks before, no clue as to what had happened to him – no way of knowing what was going on. Thankfully no awareness. He began to tap his foot anxiously against the footrest of the wheelchair, the sounds echoing around the elevator, replacing the silence with anxiety. When the doors opened he was not sure which feeling was winning the internal fight – relief or terror.

The entrance to the hospital was busy. He had not seen so many people in one place for a long time. There were too many conversations taking place to be able to pick up more than a couple of words at a time as Judy continued to wheel him through the chaos – his head spinning. Eyes closed tightly, trying to block out the noise, he felt the sunlight on his face as he was wheeled outside, the fresh air filling his lungs, making them feel painfully full as he inhaled the world that suddenly felt much bigger than it had ever been before. His hands gripped hold of the armrests of the wheelchair, squeezing tightly – praying for something to stop him spiraling.

“Where are you parked?” Judy asked Doug softly, his hand moving back to Jack’s shoulder, holding it firmly, feeling the tremble that she had anticipated.

“There,” Doug pointed, having purposely park right out front.

Judy nodded, appreciating Doug’s forethought, wheeling Jack closer to the car. She could see Jack’s shoulders tense, his chest rising and falling quickly, his head beginning to shake as she stopped his wheelchair next to the car, applying the brake.

“No,” he whispered, no longer able to keep it all inside. “I want to go back inside.”

Doug glanced over at Jen, a flash of panic in his eyes, watching as Judy moved her hands back to Jack’s shoulders, leaning back down and speaking softly to him.

“No,” he said again, shaking his head a little more vigorously. “I can’t do it.”

“Yes, you can,” she said softly. “You’ve got this.”

“No,” he continued shaking his head. 

“What’s wrong?” Jen asked, stealing the words from Doug’s mouth – watching as Jack began to fall deeper into a panic.

“Just take some deep breaths,” Judy continued, focusing purely on Jack. 

Jack tried to focus on Judy’s voice, trying to use it as an anchor keeping him present. He squeezed his eyes closed, suddenly lost in the memory of his last car journey, the feeling of panic as he realised that he could not stop the inevitable. The metallic taste in his mouth. The sound of the world crumbling around him. The images in his mind spinning as he was tossed around. The searing pain in his head as his world went dark.

“No, I can’t,” he said more strongly.

Doug looked on, suddenly realising what was happening, cursing himself for not having thought about this being a possibility – so focused on Jack coming home that he neglected to consider the difficulties they could face in getting him there. His mind raced, trying to weigh up their options, realising quickly that short of getting Jack into the car, they did not have another option for getting him home.

“Jack, what’s wrong?” Jen asked, moving round in front of him, shocked by the lack of colour on his cheeks.

“I can’t,” he repeated. 

“Can’t what?” she asked softly.

“The car,” Doug answered for him, still desperately trying to figure out what to do.

“Jack, it’s going to be okay,” Jen soothed. “I promise.”

“I can’t,” he repeated, shaking his head once again. His hands were cold and clammy, he felt like he could not breathe. “I can’t.”

“Maybe we should go back inside?” Jen asked, looking up at Judy who simply shook her head, knowing that delaying this would not be helpful. 

Judy turned to Doug, her eyes burning into him, knowing he needed to jump into action and he needed to do it quickly before things escalated any further. Doug nodded, his jaw clenched, knowing that he needed to act. 

He moved round in front of Jack, crouching down in front of him, causing Jen to step back a little, taking Jack’s bag from him. He reached out and took Jack’s hands in his own. “Jack,” he said softly but firmly. “Jack, look at me.”

His chest still rising and falling harshly, Jack opened his eyes, meeting the blue glow of Doug’s. He tried to breathe more normally, tried to take some deeper breaths, but could not manage.

“It’s okay,” Doug soothed. “Just breathe.”

Jack closed his eyes again, struggling to keep control.

“No, Jack, open your eyes. Look at me,” Doug carried on, smiling softly as Jack did as he requested. “Just look at me, forget everything else. Take some deep breaths.” He gently rubbed his thumbs over the palms of Jack’s hands, watching as Jack’s tried to control his breathing; the rise and fall of his chest slowly beginning to look less stained and painful. “That’s it. Forget everything else.”

Jack nodded slightly, trying to ignore all the other people outside of the hospital. Trying to ignore what he knew he needed to do next.

“That’s it,” Doug smiled, eyes still fixed on Jack’s. “I promise you that everything will be okay.”

“I can’t,” Jack shook his head. 

“No one is going to make you do anything you don’t want to,” he assured him, reaching up and placing a hand on his cheek. “We just want to get you home. You still want that, right?”

Jack nodded, leaning into the feel of Doug’s hand, his breathing slowing getting back under control.

“Good,” Doug smiled, his thumb stroking Jack’s cheek. “Because I have your pizza order ready to go just like you wanted. I’m even willing to watch whatever movie your choose. The perfect evening.”

Jack nodded, smiling slightly – it did sound perfect. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“You don’t need to apologise,” Doug replied, eyes still fixed only with Jack’s, the rest of the world falling away. “Everything is fine.”

“I thought I could do it.”

“I know,” Doug nodded. “And you can do it. I know you can. I know it’s scary but I promise you everything will be fine.”

“I don’t know,” Jack shook his head, but his words gave Doug a little more hope.

“Do you trust me?” Doug ask, receiving a gentle nod in response. “I’ll be driving. We’ll go slow. Just you and me. Everything will be fine.”

Jack took a deep breath, still not looking convinced.

“And if you want me to stop at any point I will. You’re in control.”

Jack’s eyes briefly broke away from Doug’s, glancing over at Jen and Judy, seeing their nods of encouragement before looking back at Doug.

“You can even choose the radio station,” Doug offered.

Jack smiled ever so slightly, his cheeks still pale, his hand gripping onto Doug’s a little more tightly. “No music.”

“Okay, no music,” Doug smiled. “What do you say – shall we go home?”

Jack closed his eyes once more, opening them to find Doug’s eyes still looking at him caringly. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Doug smiled, repeating Jack’s words back to him, waiting a moment before standing. Doug reached into his pocket, pulling out his keys and tossing them towards Jen, watching at she quickly unlocked the car and opened the passenger door. His eyes returned to Jack, smiling softly, reaching out his hand. “Let’s go home.” 

Jack’s eyes stared back at him; apprehension still clear. He nodded slightly, taking hold of Doug’s hand, trying to ignore everything else. He moved forward in his chair, allowing Doug to help him stand and take the few tentative steps towards the car – Jen quickly putting Jack’s things in the back, not wanting to delay them.

“You can do this,” Doug encouraged, helping Jack lower himself into the passenger seat, helping him swing his braced leg inside before closing the door and quickly moving round to the driver’s side. He opened his door, looking back to Jen and Judy hoping they understood his look.

“It’s okay, you go before he changes his mind,” Jen said encouragingly. “I’ll call later.”

“Judy,” Doug said warmly. “Thank you for everything.”

“My pleasure,” she nodded. “You’ve got a good one there. Look after him.”

Doug smiled. “I will,” he said quickly before getting into the car. Closing the door he returned his attention to Jack. “We’ll be home in no time.”

Jack nodded, wishing he could just disappear – embarrassed by what had happened and nervous about what was to come. He felt Doug lean over him, pulling his seat belt across him, securing it without Jack having to move. 

Doug took hold of Jack’s hand, getting his attention, smiling softly as Jack looked over at him. “Ready?”

Jack took a deep breath, knowing that he was far from ready for any of this. “Yes,” he nodded.

“Good,” Doug nodded, trying to breathe through his own nerves. “Let’s get out of here.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack opened Doug’s refrigerator, peering inside, looking for the list of items Doug had reeled off to him. He almost laughed to himself seeing how neat everything was, as though everything had an assigned spot. He had been getting to know Doug better over the last few months, spending more time with him, both with and without Pacey. He found it surprisingly easy to spend time with him – they were never short of conversation and it was nice to spend time with someone that had not been there throughout his high school and college years. Like a fresh start but still with someone he felt incredibly safe around._

_When Doug had told him he was gay, Jack had been slightly surprised, thrown off by Pacey’s years of teasing. When he had gone home that night and thought about it a little more, he wondered how he had not realised sooner, suddenly feeling a little stupid, wondering what Doug must have made of his cluelessness. Thoughts quickly moved to questioning why he cared so much what Doug thought of him – wondering why it made his cheeks flush as the thought of Doug thinking anything but positive thoughts of him. As the weeks went on Jack began to wonder if something was in fact going on between them, sensing a little more than just friendship between them. It was something he was open to – after all Doug did not need to be gay for Jack to find him attractive and nothing changed about that following Doug’s confession._

_After an increased number of meet ups, dinners, drinks, Jack was beginning to wonder if maybe he was already dating Doug without realising, a thought he was forced to push aside when he overheard a private conversation between the Witter brothers where Doug could not have made it more clear that he did not have feelings for Jack – adamantly that Jack was very much not his type. Jack had felt that comment like a blow to the stomach but was grateful to have found out that way rather than by putting himself out there and being knocked back. He told himself he just needed to forget about the idea of Doug and do his best to retain their friendship._

_“What is the smirk for?” Doug asked, looking over to Jack peering into the refrigerator, still having not returned with any of the items he had requested._

_“Nothing,” Jack replied, his smile widening. “I’m just scared to touch anything.”_

_Doug rolled his eye slightly, a smile on his face – trying to ignore the fact that he always felt the flutter of butterflies in his stomach when Jack smiled like that._

_“I’m scared to mess with the feng shui of your refrigerator,” Jack laughed._

_“Feng shui? Doesn’t that involve furniture, not fresh produce?”_

_“You tell me,” Jack shrugged, grabbing a couple of items that Doug had requested, half expecting to see the shelf labelled with the name of the items no longer in place. “Well, if law enforcement doesn’t work out for you I’m sure you’d have no problem getting a job as a grocer.”_

_“And if teaching doesn’t work out for you at least you can fall back on a career in comedy.”_

_Jack smiled, placing the items down on the counter next to the other man. “You think I’m that funny,” he teased, jabbing him with his elbow._

_“I wouldn’t go that far,” Doug laughed. “Just pray that teaching really is your calling.”_

_“What else do you need?” Jack asked, returning to the refrigerator._

_Doug glanced down at the items on the counter. “A jar of sauce,” he said, pointing towards the cupboard at the end. “There should be one in there.”_

_Jack nodded, heading over to the cupboard, opening it and immediately bursting into laughter._

_“What now?” Doug laughed, finding Jack’s mood infectious._

_Jack looked back into the cupboard – everything neatly stacked, labels facing forward. “Have you ever seen the movie ‘Sleeping with the Enemy’?” he asked over his shoulder._

_“No,” Doug shook his head._

_“There’s a scene where Julia Roberts realised her creepy, OCD, husband that she ran away from has found her because she opens her kitchen cupboard and its looks just like this,” Jack laughed._

_“So what am I – creepy or OCD?” Doug asked, moving a little closer, taking in the same view as Jack._

_“Who said it’s one or the other?” Jack said, raising his eyebrows._

_“Let me guess – your cupboards are a disorganised mess?”_

_“My cupboards contains little more than take out menus,” Jack confessed, suddenly feeling Doug close behind him, feeling trapped between the cupboard and Doug’s body, a slight shiver running through him._

_“You need to start taking better care of yourself,” Doug said softly, reaching up over Jack’s shoulder into the cupboard, stepping a little closer, almost pressed up against the other man’s back. “You’re not going to have the body of a twenty-five year old forever,” he added, grabbing the jar he needed, lingering a little longer than required before moving away._

_Jack exhaled softly, having not realised he had been holding his breath. “I appreciate your concern.” He took a moment to compose himself, forcing unwanted thoughts from his mind before finally turning back around, his eyes instantly meeting Doug’s._

_“Wine?” Doug smiled._

_“Definitely,” Jack nodded. He was going to need it._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time Doug had parked up outside his apartment Jack looked a complete wreck. He had been quiet the whole journey, his fists clenched tight, knuckles white. His hair was slick against his forehead, making his face look even paler than before. Doug turned off the engine, turning to him, gently placing his hand on his arm.

“You can relax now. We’re here.”

Jack nodded, swallowing hard. “I need to get out.”

Doug nodded, quickly opening his door and climbing out, making his way around the car to Jack’s door, opening it swiftly. Jack’s shaky hand reached down and realised the seat belt, twisting quickly in his seat, wincing at the tenderness of his ribs.

“Take it easy,” Doug said softly, offering an arm for Jack to use to pull himself up, which Jack reluctantly did, wanting nothing more than to be out of the car and out of the sight of strangers. “That’s it,” Doug encouraged as Jack found his feet. “I’ll come back for your things later. Let’s just get you inside.”

Jack nodded, letting go of Doug’s arm and slowly making his way towards the front door. Doug closed the car door, following closely, wishing Jack was not being quite so stubborn and allowing him to help him. He looked exhausted – ready to collapse into bed and stay there. He moved ahead of him, opening the doors for Jack whose movements, though slow, were determined - focused purely on getting inside.

Having made it all the way in, Doug closed the door behind them – for the first time in a month finding themselves completely alone together with no threat of interruption. “Welcome home,” he said softly, unsure what else to say.

Jack stood a few paces inside the door, looking around Doug’s apartment as though he had no idea what he should do next. The feeling of Doug’s arms wrapping around him shaking him from his trance. 

“Do you need to sit down?” Doug asked, knowing that he did but not wanting to be too insistent.

“No,” Jack shook his head, raising his head to be looking at Doug. “Do I look as crap as I feel?”

“No,” Doug shook his head, running a hand through the front of Jack’s hair, realising how clammy Jack’s body felt in his arms. “Do you want to take a shower?”

Jack thought about it for a second, realising that he would love nothing more than to get out of his sweaty clothes and have a shower, but unsure if he had the energy and strength to do it alone and not wanting to accept help. 

Doug saw the internal struggle play out over Jack’s face. “I can help you.”

“No,” Jack shook his head.

“Jack,” Doug said softly. “Just tell me what you need.”

Jack closed his eyes for a moment, trying to think of another way around it. “Okay,” he nodded softly. “But just let me do it.”

Doug nodded, sighing slightly, knowing he just needed to back off and let Jack try. He watched silently as Jack slowly made his way towards the bedroom, wincing a little with each step he took on his injured leg. Doug resisted telling him to take it easy, knowing that it would not be helpful. He followed far enough behind so that Jack did not feel suffocated, the whole time not taking his eyes off of him, ready to jump into action if needed.

Jack sat down on the edge on the bed, taking a deep breath – he looked exhausted, trying to figure out how he was going to manage his task.

“Why don’t you just rest first?” Doug suggested, standing in the doorway.

“I have been in a bed doing nothing but rest for four weeks,” Jack replied, irritation evident in his voice, pulling at the sleeve of his sweater in order to remove his good arm, the fingers of his cast hand not quite managing to grip the fabric the way he needed them to. 

Doug fought every urge to step in and help, wanting nothing more than to help Jack get comfortable and help him preserve some precious energy. Continuing to look on, he watched as Jack carried on struggling, beginning to swear under his breath.

“Jack,” Doug said softly, taking a tentative step closer.

“No,” Jack said quickly. “Don’t help.”

“I’m not,” Doug assured, hands up in front of him. “Not unless you ask me to.”

Jack shook his head, refusing to give up, deciding to use his teeth to assist in removing his arm from the sleeve, giving up on his cast hand that seemed to be less responsive than normal. He knew it was because he was exhausted. He knew everything was harder when he was left feeling drained – the car journey having finished him off. He jerked his arm, desperately trying to free it from the sleeve, causing a shooting pain across his ribs, winding him.

“Fuck!” he shouted loudly, his frustration getting the better of him. “This is fucking ridiculous!”

“Jack, calm down,” Doug said softly.

“How can I calm down?” Jack said angrily. “I can’t do anything.”

“That’s not true,” Doug shook his head, cautiously stepping a little closer.

“I can’t get in the car without freaking out,” Jack replied, his anger rising. “I can’t even get this damn sweater off!” he shouted, slamming his fist down against the bed. “It’s pathetic.” Jack’s final words came out more softly, the shake in his voice clearly detectable as he lowered his head, trying to hide his tears. “I am pathetic.”

Doug knelt down in front of him, his hands moving to Jack’s face, lifting it until he was looking him in the eye. “You are not pathetic,” he said firmly. 

“Then stop looking at me like I am!” Jack said angrily, shoving Doug’s shoulder, pushing him away. “Stop following me around waiting for your moment to be some knight in shining armour!”

Doug’s eyes widened, quickly pulling back. “That’s not what I’m doing.”

“You’re treating me like a child.”

“I just want to make sure you’re okay,” Doug protested.

“Well I’m not okay!” Jack said angrily. “I’m not okay!” Jack tried to dip his head back down, the tears falling from his eyes being the final nail in the coffin of his dignity. “And you can’t fix that.”

“Let me try,” Doug said weakly, not sure what he was supposed to do.

“No!” Jack said, anger still coursing through him. “I’m not some project. It’s not your job to fix me.”

“I know that,” Doug protested.

“Do you?” Jack asked. “I don’t want a carer or minder. That’s not what you’re meant to be.”

“That’s not how see myself.”

“It doesn’t feel that way. And one quick fuck in a hospital bed doesn’t change that.” 

“Jack, that’s not fair,” Doug shook his head, feeling wounded. “I just want you to be happy. For everything to be okay.”

“Have you considered the fact that maybe things will never be okay?”

“Don’t say that,” Doug said, not wanting to hear it.

“Why?” Jack asked, his eyes burning into Doug’s, his heart pounding in his chest. “We don’t know. What if that one moment; that one split second – someone else’s bad decision, has fucked up my whole life?!”

Doug looked at him; frozen on the spot. Scared to move closer; scared to touch him. He had spent so long trying to convince himself that everything was okay – that everything would be fine. That morning outside the hospital had been a wakeup call. For both of them. “It’s okay to be scared,” he said, his voice wavering slightly. “It’s okay to be angry. You have every right to be. But please don’t push me away. I’m scared too.”

Jack looked back at him, tears on his cheeks. “So stop pretending.”

“I’m not trying to pretend,” Doug shook his head. “I’m just trying to get through this.”

“I don’t want to be something you’re just trying to get through.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Doug said, rubbing his hands over his face, realising there was no right thing to say – wondering how many times he was going to have go through this. “This is my life too.”

Jack looked up at him, eyes dull and distant, bracing himself for impact. “But it doesn’t have to be.”

Doug shook his head, panic coursing through his body. He knew Jack did not mean it. Knew Jack was just trying to push him away again – give him the chance to do exactly what Jack feared he might do. As much as Jack was trying to hide his fear behind his anger, Doug could see it taking over. He could feel it. It was the same fear that was surging through his body. “I know,” he said softly. 

Jack continued to stare at him; waiting for the inevitable.

“I know it doesn’t have to be my life,” Doug continued, remaining still on the spot. “Except it also does,” he added. “Because I love you. And really it’s that simple.” 

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yet it is,” Doug replied. “Because I have had a taste of life without you, and as much as you may not want to hear it, it’s not worth living. It’s just not.”

“You have a plan. You have an image of what you want from life. This isn’t it. I’m not it.”

“Then the image changes,” Doug said simply, refusing to be shaken by Jack’s persistence. 

“Life shouldn’t have to be a constant fight. I’m drowning and I’m taking you down with me.”

“I know this morning was difficult. I know you’re scared and angry and everything feels too much – but nothing has changed since yesterday or even before that. Please try and remember that.”

“Doug…”

“No,” Doug interrupted, still loving the sound of his name rolling off of Jack’s tongue. “I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know how many different ways I can say this or prove it to you – but if I have to keep doing it, I will. Don’t let one difficult morning set you back.”

More tears ran down Jack’s cheeks. He did not want Doug to see him like this. The morning had taken its toll on him and the strength he had worked hard to claw back and drained from him within seconds of leaving the hospital, making him feel like a complete failure. Having spent so long trying to convince himself that life could go back to normal, that the accident had not robbed him of anything, he realised suddenly that he was wrong. “Everything is too hard,” he wept, his shoulders shaking, tears falling more freely.

Doug remained back, not sure what to do – desperately wanting to hold Jack, desperately wanting to tell him that everything was okay, but he simply did not know if that was true. “Tell me what you need,” Doug said softly. “Then I won’t have to keep guessing.”

Jack shook his head, feeling his tears fall. “I don’t know.”

“Start small,” Doug suggested. “We don’t have to deal with everything in one go. What will make you feel better in this moment. Just this moment – forget the rest.”

Jack finally looked up at Doug, eyes meeting his. “Right now?” he managed something that came close to resembling a smile, wiping his wet cheeks.

Doug nodded, “One thing at a time.”

Jack took a deep breath, trying to clear the fog from his brain. “I want this damn sweater off.”

Doug smiled, glad that Jack has chosen something easily achievable. “Can I help?”

Jack looked back at him as though he was trying to figure out the answer. “Yes please.”

Doug cautiously took a step closer, reaching out, taking Jack’s arm, tugging on the sleeve of the sweater to give Jack enough room to pull his arm out. He let go, allowing Jack to awkwardly maneuver the rest of the way out, dropping it to the floor like he had achieved a small victory. Doug smiled softly, sitting down on the bed next to Jack, his hand resting on his thigh. “Better?”

Jack nodded, taking a deep breath, feeling more able to breathe. 

“What next?”

Jack looked down at Doug’s hand on his leg. “Nothing,” he said, standing up from the bed. “I can do the rest.”

Doug stayed sat on the edge of the bed, staring straight ahead, not even turning to watch Jack walk away, his stomach churning. Wondering if he had made a huge mistake.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack had no idea how they had gone from having dinner together to suddenly Doug confessing his feelings for him. He certainly had no idea how he now found himself straddling the other man, kissing him._

_Doug’s hand moved to Jack’s cheek, fingertips playing in his hair, bringing Jack’s face down closer to his own, resting his forehead against his, his another arm wrapping around Jack’s waist, keeping him as close as humanly possible, hand resting against the firmness of his ass. He lifted his head ever so slightly, his nose brushing against Jack’s as he found his lips once again, kissing him more slowly – wanting Jack to understand that this was about more than just one night. “We’re definitely beyond the third date,” he smiled, pleased that he and Jack were finally on the same page. No longer having to try and decipher each one of Jack’s comments or actions; wondering if he was feeling the same attraction._

_Jack smiled against Doug’s mouth, still unable to sit completely still, pushing up against Doug in a more controlled and meaningful way. “Thank god.”_

_Doug pulled Jack closer once again, his head dropping to Jack’s shoulder as Jack’s body continued to grind against his, wondering why it had taken him so long to say anything to the other man – mournful that he had missed out on potentially weeks of Jack’s body doing exactly this, driving him mad._

_“Is this insane?” Jack moaned, Doug’s hands on him so firmly that he thought he would be left with the indentation of his fingertips._

_“It’s only insane that we lasted this long,” Doug smiled against Jack’s flushed skin, lifting his head again to be able to see the expression etched on Jack’s face, noticing his eyes swirling the darkest shade of blue he had ever seen them. “I’ve thought about this so often.”_

_Jack’s mouth found Doug’s again, not having the words to respond to such a comment, his body switching to autopilot, worried that his brain would try and talk him out of what was promised. “Is this how you imagined it?”_

_“To start with,” Doug replied, between kisses, hand moving to the bottom of Jack’s T-shirt, easily lifting it up his body and over his head, throwing it to the floor as his mouth quickly moving to Jack’s chest. “But somethings are too good to imagine.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, lost in the feeling of Doug’s mouth against his skin, unable to resist rising up a little higher on his knees, pressing forward, hand looping around the back of Doug’s head, fingers tangled in Doug’s hair as he fell further into the fire burning between them. His hands moved to Doug’s clothing, returning the favour of removing his T-shirt, driven mad by the feel of Doug’s chest pressed against his own._

_“So far reality is far exceeding the fantasy,” Doug mumbled, his mouth working its way up Jack’s chest, over his shoulder to his neck – Jack’s head already tilted to the side in invitation._

_“You’ve imagined past this point?” Jack questioned, a smirk on his face, knowing full well what the answer was. He could feel Doug smile against him as hands skillfully unfastened his jeans, not quite able to push them down as he would have liked. In a sudden surge of energy Jack felt himself being lifted, his body masterfully being repositioned so he was now on his back on the couch, laughing as Doug began to tug forcefully on his jeans to remove them, wriggling in assistance until they were completely gone. Doug leaned down over him, kissing him again briefly before standing, removing his own pants, returning to his position on top of Jack, almost unable to breathe as he felt himself pressed against the other man – just two thin layers of underwear standing in their way._

_“We’re getting close to the peak of my imagination” Doug confessed, having never wanted to allow himself to imagine past this point – worried that he was close to ruining a friendship he treasured if it turned out Jack did not feel the same._

_“Really?” Jack smiled, looping one of his legs over the back of Doug’s, holding him in place as he pushed up against him. “Why stop at the best bit?”_

_Doug breathed in deeply, burying his face into the curve of Jack’s neck, kissing him intently – finally knowing the taste of Jack’s skin, finally knowing the answer to how Jack’s body felt lying beneath him, pushing up against him. Now knowing that his feelings for Jack had surpassed infatuation into pure obsession._

_“It felt like you thought about it,” Jack smiled, hands gripping onto Doug’s shoulders, “Earlier in the kitchen.”_

_Doug could not help but laugh, kissing Jack’s mouth he pulled back slightly, smiling. “And yet you act like this took you by surprise.”_

_“I just assumed it was wishful thinking,” Jack confessed, his fingers combing through the back of Doug’s hair._

_Doug smiled, shaking his head slightly, loving the playful look on Jack’s face. Kissing him once more, allowing his tongue to find Jack’s, he let his hand slide down Jack’s body, settling on Jack’s thigh wrapped around him, stroking it gently before finally giving into the urge to squeeze the firm flesh of Jack’s ass, causing him to push up once again._

_“Come with me,” Doug said, his voice thick with desire as he pulled up off of Jack and stood up, reaching out for Jack’s hand._

_Jack looked at him questioningly before taking it, allowing himself to be pulled up off the couch before being pulled firmly into Doug’s body. His eyes met Doug’s, his hands hovering above Doug’s upper arms without touching – so close that he could feel the heat coming off of his skin. He paused for a split second, wondering what on earth he was doing, suddenly conscious of being stood in his underwear in the middle of Doug’s apartment._

_“Don’t,” Doug said softly, seeing the look on Jack’s face. The look he had seen so many times before, having always been the reason for him not confessing his feelings every single time he had planned too. “Don’t start questioning this.”_

_“I’m not,” Jack lied, his voice low and unsure._

_“Stop thinking,” Doug whispered, his mouth hovering over Jack’s, not quite touching, waiting for the other man to close the gap. “You want this.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, breathing in the scent of the man he had thought about so many times before. “I really do,” he whispered, closing the gap, kissing him with the same certainty and desire as before, his breath catching in his throat as Doug stepped forward, pressing up against him._

_“Come,” Doug said again, taking Jack by the hand and leading him to the bedroom. The late evening summer sun was still shining brightly through the window as Doug continued to lead Jack past the bed to the other side of the room, kissing him once again before turning him round, Jack’s back now pressed against his chest. His mouth traced its way along Jack’s shoulder and up his neck before straightening up behind him._

_“This feels familiar,” Jack smiled, pushing back against Doug’s body in the way he fought not to do earlier while making dinner._

_“Let’s change the ending,” Doug smiled, his mouth pressed between Jack’s shoulder blades, beginning to kiss his way down, feeling the shiver ripple down Jack’s spine as he continued his journey, stopping briefly to give the small of Jack’s back some more detailed attention before continuing until his lips were blocked by the elastic of Jack’s underwear, slowly edging it down to allow his expedition to continue._

_Feeling his underwear pool around his ankles, Jack carefully stepped out, kicking it to the side – his body filled with nervous anticipation of what was to come. He was almost disappointed when he felt Doug rise back to his feet before wrapping his arm around Jack’s middle, encouraging him forward. Doug ran his free hand down Jack’s arm, finding his hand, lacing their fingers together – raising it to the wall, laying Jack’s palm flat against the smooth surface before tracing his hand back up his arm, gently running back down his body._

_Jack knew was what coming – at least he hoped he did; not wanting to have to wait much longer and certainly not wanting to resort to any form of begging so early in their newly developed relationship. He raised his other hand to also be against the wall, bracing himself for the feel of Doug’s finger slowly pushing deep inside of him, squirming a little, trying to get comfortable, just about able to do so before Doug added a second. Jack took a sharp intake of breath, pushing back against Doug’s body, the feel of Doug’s arm still wrapped around his middle making his skin feel like it was on fire._

_Doug’s lips found Jack’s neck once again as he continued to twist and probe, enjoying the first few moans escaping from Jack’s mouth. He tried to focus, his fingers knowing exactly what they were looking for, stretching and twist a little further until Jack’s moan turned into a sudden gasp, his head falling forward. Doug could not help but smile, realising that it was going to be easier than he feared to please Jack – seemingly already knowing his body without having ever touched it._

_He pulled back slowly, hearing Jack’s moan of protest as he reached down to the nightstand next to them, opening the drawer and quickly finding a box of condoms, wishing he had had the sense to remove the outer packaging when he had put the away in the drawer. He felt Jack’s eyes on him and when he looked up to meet them he saw the knowing smile on Jack’s face._

“New box,” Jack smiled. “When exactly did you buy them?” 

_Doug smiled back, rolling his eyes slightly, finally managing to get the box open. “Yesterday.”_

_“Yesterday?” Jack grinned._

_“You’re not the only one that has been practicing a little wishful thinking,” he smiled, pulling what he wanted from the box, throwing the rest onto the bed before tearing open the packet and removing the contents. He slipped off his own underwear before moving back to be standing behind Jack, once against kissing the gap between his shoulder blades as he skillfully rolled on the condom, an excited chill running through him realising he was mere seconds away from experiences what it was like to be with Jack._

_His hands ran down Jack’s sides, resting on his hips, tilting Jack’s upper body a little further forward, using his leg to encourage Jack’s a little further apart. “Are you good?” he asked, receiving a wordless nod in response, stepping a little closer, holding Jack a little more firmly as he slowly pushed into Jack; sliding a little further with each rock of his hips. He could not help but moan as he felt Jack also begin to rock backwards against him – the sound of his breathing sharp and desperate. Doug rested his forehead against Jack’s shoulder, thrusting slightly harder until he was completely surrounded._

_He moved his hand to Jack’s cheek, turning his face slightly until he was able to reach his lips with his own, kissing him slowly, his hand tracing back down Jack’s body, fingers wrapping around Jack’s solid erection, feeling him skin to skin for the first time. Enjoying Jack moan against his mouth, he vowed to do whatever it took to hear Jack make the same noise again – over and over again. Breaking the kiss, he straightened up a little, beginning to move his hand more quickly over Jack, feeling him brace himself more solidly against the wall in time for Doug’s thrusts to pick up speed._

_“Oh god,” Jack moaned, his head falling against the wall, his legs beginning to feel weak beneath him, praying that he could stay on his feet until Doug had finished his assault of pleasure, biting down on his lip, not wanting to cry out too loudly as Doug masterfully manipulated his body as though he had done it a thousand times before._

_Doug increased his speed, reacting to the push back of Jack’s hips causing their bodies to collide over and over again, seriously questioning why they had not been doing this for months. Nothing had ever felt more natural to him. More right. His body fitting together with Jack’s like a puzzle piece that he had not realised was missing until that very moment._

_Doug tried to hold in the swear word that was threatening to roll of the tip of his tongue, not quite managing it – feeling his hand beginning to get more slick as it worked over Jack’s length, hearing his breathing begin to change, his chest rising more sharply. Losing all self-control he began to move more vigorously, hearing Jack’s begin to cry out a little louder than before, sweat dripping down his muscular back – thrusting a little harder and a little faster than before, causing Jack’s mouth to open widely – a thick cry of pleasure escaping as he came, instantly gasping for breath. Jack straighten up slightly, his back arching – the smallest change of position sending Doug over edge, his hands gripping Jack’s hips tightly as he made his final thrust. His forehead fell against Jack’s back, arms wrapping tightly around Jack as he tried to regain his control over his body._

_He felt Jack laugh ever so slightly – his back vibrating against Doug’s forehead. “Well, that changes things a little.”_

_Doug’s lips smiled against Jack’s skin, kissing his lightly. “I hope so.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The afternoon had been quiet. Once Jack had disappeared into the bathroom Doug had not been sure what to do. He remained frozen on the bed for some time, listening to the commotion going on behind the door, trying to think through how Jack was managing – knowing he had already spent long enough on his leg unsupported, knowing that he was not supposed to get the cast on his wrist wet. He tried to push aside the desire to help, knowing that it was the last thing Jack wanted. Knowing that going into the bathroom would be the worse things he could possibly do. It was twenty minutes before he heard the water begin to run – the sound of clattering and the occasional frustrated swear word still distinguishable.

Hearing the water turn off, Doug decided it was probably best to no longer be sat in the bedroom when Jack emerged. He made his way back through the apartment and back outside to the car, leaning against it for a moment trying to take in a few deep breaths. His head was spinning – the voice in his head telling him that he had been here before, that this was a storm he had weathered. He knew Jack was scared – the realisation that life was not as close to the normality they had grown used to before the accident as he had hoped, that even simple things that were once taken for granted were now going to be a challenge.

Pulling Jack’s bag from the backseat of the car he tried to push down his own fears and concerns. A new wave of reality having washed over him, knowing that if Jack continued to doubt and resist him, then everything he had thought possible would be gone. He shook his head, refusing to let doubt in. After everything they had overcome he was not going to let one bad day come between them. He needed to hold firm, to stay calm – let Jack come to him. Whenever he was ready. 

Walking back into the apartment he was pleased to see Jack was still in the bathroom. He placed Jack’s bag on the bed, resisting the urge to help unpack and get Jack settled, instead heading to the kitchen to fetch a glass of water, knowing Jack was overdue on his medication. He left the glass on the nightstand next to the bed and headed back to the living room, turning on the TV and pretending to be interested in whatever flashed up on the screen just in time for Jack to exit the bathroom. He fought the urge to look around – desperate to see how Jack was doing, if he needed any help, knowing that he just needed to give him some space. 

With great effort, hindered greatly by the exhaustion he was trying to fight, Jack managed to find some clean clothes in his bag, deciding that the exertion of putting on underwear and a t-shirt was enough, quickly ruling out bothering to dress himself further, having already struggled with re-bracing his leg. With shaking hands he managed to find the pills he was looking for, drinking from the glass that he knew had been left for him by Doug – a pang of guilt flowing through him, knowing he had been unfair before. He knew this was just as hard for Doug. He wished he could take it back; knowing he was taking his fear and frustration out on the wrong person, but every time he opened his mouth, fear, not love, tumbled out. Scared he would do more damage than good, he decided it was best to keep quiet. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Doug watched as Jack pulled back the bedcovers and slid in, using some pillows to prop up his leg. To his amazement and relief it was mere minutes before he realised Jack had fallen asleep. Doug felt exhausted, wanting nothing more than to curl up next to Jack and take a nap – pretend that nothing had happened, that everything was still okay. To close his eyes, head resting close to the other man’s, knowing that no one would be coming in telling them that visiting hours were over, or realising Jack was just a dream when he woke up alone as he had for weeks. He wanted to lie next to the man he loved, lost for a while in the false belief that he was still the same man he was before.

Doug tried to think of something to do that would not disturb Jack, spending a while pottering around the apartment, realising that there was not really anything that needed to be cleaned our tidied following his cleaning spree the night before. Instead he found himself constantly glancing back over his shoulder to check on Jack. Wanting to see him – needing to see him safe and well in the home that they were to share, even if only short term.

After craning his neck around the doorway numerous times he finally decided to give into the need to take in the view of Jack – standing in the doorway to the bedroom simply watching Jack sleep. Without thinking, a smile crept over his face as he watched Jack’s chest rise and fall softly, his cast wrist cradled against his torso. He looked more at peace than he had in the hospital. More comfortable than he had a few hours before. Lying like that, it was easy for Doug to forget everything they had been through. The losses they had both suffered. Easy to forget that everything Jack had lost; he was mourning too.

He carefully sat down on the edge of the bed, his back to Jack – a sudden wave of sorrow and loss rushing over him. Scared that the man asleep in his bed was not the man he thought. Scared that the man in his bed had suffered a change of heart as well as mind. Scared that Jack no longer wanted what they had talked about and planned – that all of the resistance he had shown was more genuine that Doug had wanted to believe. Terrified that maybe everything that had happened was simply too much. That Jack was right – one split second; someone else’s error, had turned the world upside down, ruining everything, cracking their foundations; inevitably causing them to crumble.

He had not realised that he was crying until he felt his tears fall against his hands clenched in his lap. The pain that could no longer be contained pouring out of him, leaving him wondering how many more times he could go through this – drained by the journey had found himself on. A journey he did not want to be making any more than Jack did. One that he had been hoping would bring them together, not force them apart. Giving into the despair, he felt his shoulders begin to shake, tears flowing more freely – fearful that they may never stop. Wishing that he could take a break from it all – to have just one day off from the fear and longing that kept him prisoner – a pair of unforgiving guards at the door. He just wanted to make everything stop. 

Lost in his own thoughts he did not feel the shift of the bed behind him. He did not hear Jack’s movement – the first thing he knew of Jack being awake was his arms wrapping around him, his chest pressed up against his back. He quickly wiped his tears away, clinging to the deluded hope that Jack had not noticed. The arms around his middle held him more securely, tightening around him – hanging on for dear life. He felt Jack’s cheek pressed against his shoulder, arm rising up across his chest, hand on his heart. They remained like that for some time – fused together, refusing to part. Both terrified of what lay in store for them, but feeling stronger together than they ever could be apart.

Jack shifted slightly, pulling Doug’s body down onto the bed – shuffling the best he could in order to make room for him, pulling him close, not wanting to allow any more space between them. He pressed his forehead against Doug’s cheek, breathing in the other man, remembering how simply doing so had brought him back from darkness so many times, praying that his presence did the same for Doug – relieved when he felt Doug’s hand on his cheek, his arm wrapping around him. 

“Can we start over?” Jack asked softly.

Doug wrapped his arms around Jack even more tightly, Jack’s words ringing in his ears. Breathing him in, letting everything else fade away, he knew he was not going to be letting go without a fight. No matter how long it took to find whatever had been lost. His exhaustion taking over, he closed his eyes and fell deeper into the other man, simply nodding, hoping Jack knew that that was exactly what he wanted too. 

**To be continued…**


	14. Small Steps

Jack sighed softly, his fingers running through the hair on the back of Doug’s head as it rested on his chest; slowly rising and falling with each of his breaths. Doug’s arm was flung over his middle, leg curled over the top of his. It was the second morning that they had woken up like this. Somehow the tension that had built to a crescendo days before had dissipated leaving everything in the apartment feeling much calmer. The words that had spilled out – far more fear than truth, found their freedom and gained the space to move on, no longer hanging over the two of them; no longer suffocating them. Jack knew that this did not mean that everything was fine, but knew it was the thunderstorm required before the sky could once again clear. 

He knew that he could not reasonably continue without any form of explanation for what had happened and for all of the things he had said. He knew it was too much to ask to just brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened, knowing that doing so would risk the same feelings resurfacing. Knowing that next time Doug may not be so understanding. While Jack knew that Doug understood his fear and frustrations, he knew that there were also things that he did not understand – he could not possibly understand; because Jack did not understand them himself. That mixed in with his fears and anxiety remained the memory of anger. Residual upset and frustration coursing through his veins with no memory of where it had originated – simply knowing it was linked to Doug.

He knew it was something that needed to be addressed; that he needed to get to the root cause and deal with it properly; but with Doug in his arms, his head on his chest, he wanted to delay the inevitable for as long as possible, not wanting to disrupt the perfect start to their day. The last thing he wanted to do was to cause more upset – shocked by Doug’s reaction; having been too lost in his own feelings to truly consider the impact on him. Not because he did not care – that could not be further from the truth. He had simply spent too long lost in the depth of his own problems; forced to dive deep to find any scrap of memory that he longed for – the feelings brought back to him from the car journey from the hospital flooding his senses, making him feel like he was drowning. He felt pulled under by the weight of everything; refusing to take Doug down with him. For a brief moment, swept away by panic, he felt as though setting Doug free was the only way to stop him drowning too. But he remained. Unwavering. Waiting for Jack to wash back up on the shore before he finally cracked.

If he was honest, Jack was pleased to see it. Growing increasingly uncomfortable with Doug’s strong and stoic stance. He knew Doug wanted to be strong for him but all it really did was make him feel more anxious, as though Doug was trying to ignore concerns that were very real to Jack, causing him to hold onto them more tightly rather than being able to let them go. As much as he hated seeing Doug in pain, it was nice to be the one to give comfort rather than requiring it all of the time. It was nice to be able to hold him without feeling as though his vulnerability was once again on display – comforted by the fact that he was not the only one that was finding everything so difficult.

“We should probably get out of bed today,” Doug smiled, cheek still pressed against Jack’s chest.

“Why?” Jack questioned, perfectly happy to spend another day doing nothing with Doug.

“Weren’t you the one complaining about spending four weeks in bed?” 

“This is different,” Jack shrugged. “This bed is much more comfortable and comes with a better view.”

“Jen is going to begin to wonder why she’s not heard from you,” Doug reasoned.

“I think she can probably guess,” Jack laughed, lifting his head from the pillow a little to get a better look at Doug’s face, noticing his smile.

“Maybe we could go out – get some lunch?”

“I’d rather just stay here,” Jack said softly, not relishing the thought of going out and being stared at. 

“We could just go for a walk?” Doug suggested

“Maybe tomorrow.”

“I’m working tomorrow.”

“I know,” Jack smiled.

“We can’t stay locked away forever,” Doug replied, lifting his head off of Jack’s chest, leaning on his elbow next to him.

“We won’t be. You said it yourself – you’re going to work tomorrow.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Doug said disapprovingly.

Jack groan, pulling himself a little higher on his pillow. “It’s not as though I can walk far and before you say anything I’m not getting back in the car.”

“I wasn’t going to suggest that,” Doug replied, knowing better than that. “But you have a different set of wheels if you need them,” he added tentatively.

“No way,” Jack shook his head. “I have no desire to be paraded around like some invalid.”

“I hate to tell you this, but you are an invalid,” Doug smiled, kissing Jack softly. “A very good looking one though.”

Jack rolled his eyes, playfully pushing Doug away before changing his mind and pulling him back to kiss him again. “There’s too many people outside. I want it to just be us for a little longer.”

Doug looked at him curiously, wondering if there was more to it than that, finally shaking his head.

“What?” Jack asked.

“I’m just trying to figure out if this is another side effect of the accident,” he said jokingly. “If I had said those very words before all this happened you would have accused me of hiding us away. That wouldn’t be what you’re doing now, would it?” His smile remained but his tone was serious.

Jack rolled his eyes for a second time, sitting up fully, looking down at Doug still laying on his side. “No, that’s not my intention. However, I’d prefer our first time out in public together to be with me looking a little less battered. I want the Capeside gossips to be asking how you managed to land yourself such a catch – not the other way around,” he grinned playfully.

“Really?” Doug asked, shaking his head, pulling himself up to be sat next to the other man. “In that case we should probably hide you away a little longer.”

Jack smiled – attempting to hide the fact that he was wondering if he should ask the question burning inside of him. Finally accepting that it needed to be asked eventually. “Is that why we broke up?”

“What?” Doug asked, slightly taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“The fact that you didn’t want anyone knowing about us. Is that why we broke up?” Jack could not bring himself to look at Doug.

“We didn’t,” Doug started, wondering if what he was about to say was true. “We didn’t break up. Not really. Is that how you remember it?”

“No,” Jack shook his head, pulling the covers up around him more tightly. “I don’t remember it at all. I’m just trying to piece together the bits that I’ve managed to figure out.”

Doug thought for a second, weary to distort Jack’s memories with his own slant on the story. “Why don’t you tell me what you know and I can fill in the gaps.”

“In the hospital, before you left, you said you had fought for me once already.” Jack tried to think how to best explain where he was coming from, aware that his words were not completely back. “I remember how we got together – mostly anyway. Enough to know you didn’t mean then.”

Doug nodded, letting Jack know that his assumption was correct, waiting to hear if Jack remembered anything else.

“I know it sounds crazy, but I just remember feeling angry. And I can’t seem to shake that feeling,” Jack confessed. “I don’t want to feel that anymore. Not towards you. I have plenty of things to be angry at, but you’re not one of them. I don’t want to keep taking my frustrations out on you, but every time I feel overwhelmed that is the feeling that comes back.”

Doug sighed, remembering how he had taken for granted how deep Jack’s hurt had run at the time. “I did something really thoughtless,” Doug said softly. “Really stupid. And I hurt you. We had a couple of weeks of absolute hell. You didn’t want to talk to me. Finally when you did, we managed to get everything straightened out, but I know you struggled with it.”

“Did I tell you that?” Jack asked, thinking that seemed out of character.

“No,” Doug said, almost laughing. “But you did not need to. We talked about how the secrecy of our relationship made it hard for you to trust me,” Doug said more seriously, finding it difficult to recant.

Jack reached out and took his hand, squeezing it slightly. “But I did trust you,” he said, leaving Doug unsure if it was a statement or question. “Otherwise I wouldn’t have stuck around.”

“I hope so,” Doug smiled reluctantly. 

“Is that what you meant when you said that we’ve been through all of this before – but I just don’t remember?”

“Yes,” Doug nodded. “You did a pretty good job of trying to push me away. You just need to know that it didn’t work then, it didn’t work in the hospital and it sure as hell isn’t going to work now.”

“I know,” Jack accepted, a slight blush on his cheeks. “I guess I have more work to do there.”

“No comment,” Doug laughed, leaning forward and kissing Jack, glad that Jack had raised the subject. “Does that answer your questions?”

“Except one,” Jack said, wondering if Doug was purposely avoiding the issue. “What did you do that made me so angry?”

Doug shook his head, knowing he was not going to get away with it. “Maybe I should put some coffee on,” he said, attempting to move away.

“Don’t you dare,” Jack said quickly, grabbing Doug’s arm before he could move further way, pulling him back. “I promise you if you force me to imagine it I will come up with something far worse.”

“Okay, fine,” Doug groaned. “I arranged for us to go on an early morning hike.”

“I can see why that annoyed me,” Jack joked, interrupting Doug’s telling of the story.

“Are you going to let me tell you?” 

“Sorry – go head. Continue your confession.”

“I think I prefer you angry to whatever this is,” Doug shook his head. “We drove out to a trail I used to hike as a kid and after a few minutes I remembered that I’d left something in the car so I went back, leaving you on the trail.”

“This sounds like the opening of a horror movie,” Jack smirked.

Doug picked up his pillow and struck Jack with it.

“Hey, invalid, remember!” Jack laughed, giving him a shove back.

“If only it was your mouth that wasn’t working,” Doug groaned. “You’re making me miss the days you could barely talk.”

“Get on with it, Sheriff,” Jack shook his head, a smile evident on his face.

Doug sighed heavily. “When I got back to the car I bumped into out of the guys from work. He had a flat tire on his bike and needed a lift back into town. I was so worried that he was going to see us together that I ended up giving him a lift,” Doug explained. “Leaving you, without telling you.”

Jack looked at him, silent for the first time, his eyes narrowing. “How long?”

“Too long,” Doug said simply. “When I got back you were gone. You’d walked all the way home.”

“How far?”

“Six miles – approximately.”

Jack nodded. “All because you didn’t want to be seen with me?”

Doug simply nodded, not sure what he could say to make it better.

Jack went back over Doug’s words in his head, trying to make them fit with something in his memory. Nothing came to mind, but there was a feeling pulsing through him that made him know with certainty that what Doug was saying was true. 

“Well, fuck,” Jack laughed, still thinking it through. It was not what he had been expecting. Not really knowing what he had expected. He could feel Doug’s eye on him, patiently awaiting some further reaction. “Did I make things difficult for you?” 

“Very,” Doug nodded.

“Good,” Jack laughed. 

“You’re being very relaxed about this,” Doug questioned.

“Did we argue?” Jack asked.

“Yes. I’ve never seen you so angry.”

“Well, there’s no point doing that twice,” Jack shrugged, pushing the covers back, stretching out his leg, shuffling to be sitting on the edge of the bed, struggling a little less than he had the day before

“So, that’s it?” Doug asked, slightly stunned. “You’re not angry.”

Jack looked over his shoulder. “No.”

“No?”

“No,” Jack repeated, stretching his leg once again, wiggling his toes trying to get rid of the sensation of pins and needles. 

“Wait, how can you be so nonchalant about this after everything you said? What happened to the lingering feeling of anger you felt towards me?”

Jack shrugged. “I don’t know. I was worried you’d cheated on me or something.”

“Don’t joke about that,” Doug shook his head, knowing he would never do that to him. “You’re the only man for me.”

“I was picturing a woman,” Jack grinned. 

“Very funny,” Doug rolled his eyes.

“You’re the one willing to leave me in the middle of nowhere because the thought of being seen with a man was so horrifying to you,” Jack reminded, raising an eyebrow.

“I was wrong,” Doug said, moving closer to Jack, kneeling behind him, wrapping his arms over his shoulders. “Only an idiot would not want to be seen with you. I’m sorry.”

Jack smiled, turning slightly to see Doug’s face. “I get it, okay? I’m not happy about it. I’m not surprised I was angry. But that’s not where we are now. Things have changed. Even if it took my nearly dying to get us there.”

“It shouldn’t have taken that,” Doug said softly.

“No,” Jack agreed. “It shouldn’t have. But we can’t change that now.”

“True,” Doug nodded, wrapping his arms around Jack a little tighter. “Come back to bed.”

“I seem to remember you mentioning coffee?” Jack said, staying sat on the edge of the bed.

“That can wait,” Doug smiled, his lips running over Jack’s neck.

“Actually it can’t. I’m exhausted.”

“Exhausted? You slept for hours.”

“I know, but someone was tossing and turning all night,” he said, jokingly giving Doug a stern look.

Doug felt heat rising in his cheeks, resting his forehead on Jack’s shoulder. “Sorry about that.”

“You make the coffee and all is forgiven,” Jack smiled, reaching up and running his hand through Doug’s hair. “Then we can go back to bed.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The two days of solitude they had shared locked away in the apartment had passed too quickly. Before they knew it Monday morning had rolled around and with it Doug had to return to work. Even more so than when Jack had been in the hospital, Doug did not want to leave. He did not want to have to put on his uniform. He did not want to have to leave the apartment. He just wanted to continue existing within the bubble of the two of them.

“Jen will be here soon,” Jack smiled against Doug’s lips, Doug’s arms around his waist, supporting him as the spray of the shower flowed over him.

“Even more important that you’re clean and presentable then,” Doug said between kisses.

“She’s not going to be judging you on how clean I am.”

“No, but you had a distinct smell of pizza and sex about you,” Doug laughed, remembering the highlights of their weekend.

“Two of my favourite things,” Jack mumbled, shifting his weight a little, finding it hard to remain balanced without his leg brace for support.

“A shower was definitely called for,” Doug replied, holding on to Jack a little more securely, noticing him lifting his injured leg briefly to take the weight off.

“I think you joining me is a little counterproductive.”

“You only have one functioning hand,” Doug shrugged, referring to Jack’s cast hand that had been wrapped in a very rudimental fashion to protect it from getting wet – Jack trying to keep it outside of the line of water. “I figured adding a couple more would speed things up.”

“Somehow I’m not convinced,” Jack smiled, feeling Doug’s hand beginning to travel his body, using his good arm to hold on as Doug’s support waned.

“This is just a shower,” Doug reminded, reaching for the shampoo and beginning to rub it through Jack’s hair.

“A shower is never just a shower with you,” Jack smiled, appreciating Doug’s help after days of stubborn resistance.

“Well, this is,” Doug adamantly. “So don’t get too excited.”

“Fine,” Jack smiled, kissing Doug softly before leaning back against the water, washing the soap out of his hair.

“You will be clean, dressed and back in your leg brace before you know it.”

Jack groaned. “Well, that killed the mood. It’s definitely just a shower now.”

“It always was,” Doug smiled.

“Whatever you say.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen helped herself to coffee before sitting down on the couch next to Jack, watching as Doug finished off getting ready for work, his mind seemingly elsewhere as he gathered together everything he needed. Having not heard from Jack all weekend she was pleased to see him looking so well. She was pleasantly surprised to find him up and dressed – looking far more like his usual self.

“What is the plan for today?” she asked, looking around the apartment, looking for ideas for entertainment.

“This,” Jack said, referring to sitting on the couch.

“Come on – seriously?” Jen shook her head. “The world is our oyster. “We can do anything.”

“I’m good sat here.”

“You’re becoming very dull,” she groaned. “I let you get away with it in the hospital but now it has to stop. 

“You don’t actually have to be here,” Jack shrugged. “I’m perfectly capable of looking after myself.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Jen smiled. “I’m not here to ‘look after you’, I’m here to spend the day with my best friend. I have a day off being Mom; you have a day without Doug – it’s like the good old days.”

“Hey,” Doug called in protest from the kitchen, poking his head around the doorway, receiving a smile from both Jen and Jack.

“What do you want to do?” Jack asked. “Go to a pep rally, ditch calculus and smoke a joint out the back of the gym?”

“Fine, I get your point,” Jen laughed. “But we could at least have some fun here. Surely Doug has something incriminating hidden away. A journal maybe? Where does he hide all his little secrets?”

Jack looked at her, smirking. “The closet?” he said, beginning to laugh uncontrollably.

“I heard that!” Doug called from the kitchen, listening to both Jack and Jen laughing – smiling to himself even though it was at his expense. 

“Aren’t you going to be late for work?” Jack called out; surprised Doug still had not left. “Criminals could be running riot in the streets.”

Doug shook his head as he emerged from the kitchen. “I’m not concerned about that. The town’s two biggest troublemakers are sat on my couch.”

“And the third is your brother,” Jen laughed.

“Who has also spent longer than I would have like on that couch,” Doug replied.

“Maybe your couch is the problem; not us,” Jack grinned as Doug leant down and kissed him.

“I doubt that,” he said raising his eyebrows, grabbing his jacket. “Behave yourself today,” he added in a faux stern voice. “I don’t want to hear any reports if you misbehaving.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell him anything,” Jen grinned.

“He was talking to you,” Jack joked back in Jen’s direction.

“Both of you,” Doug smiled. “And leave your brace on. Your leg won’t get better if you keep trying to walk without it.”

“Tut tut, Jackers,” Jen chastised. 

“I’m going before you two drive me mad.” Doug grabbed a final few items before heading to the door. “Call me if you need me.”

“I look after a baby every day,” Jen assured him. “This will be a breeze.”

“I’ll remind you of your words when I get home,” Doug groaned, giving them both one last look before reluctantly opening the door.

“Bye, Sheriff,” both Jack and Jen said in unison, causing Doug to roll his eyes, closing the door behind him.

Jen waited a moment before asking Jack the same question as before. Wondering if there would be a different answer following Doug’s departure. “So what are we actually going to do today?”

“We could watch a movie?”

“Really?” Jen asked.

“And I’m quite looking forward to taking a nap,” Jack added.

“Actually, that does sound nice,” she conceded. “But do you really not want to go out for a bit?”

“I don’t know,” Jack shrugged, feeling conflicted. Wanting to go out but also not wanting the hassle of it. “Maybe later.”

“You just let me know,” Jen nodded, not wanting to push too hard.

Jack leant down, pulling at his leg brace. “If you want to help, you start by helping me get this damn thing off my leg.” 

“Aren’t you supposed to leave that on?” 

“You may be a mom but you’re not my mom,” Jack rolled his eyes. “Please go back to being my partner in crime.”

“Fine,” Jen groaned, lifting Jack’s leg up to be resting on her lap, helping Jack unfasten his brace before removing it. “If I get arrested for this I won’t be happy.” 

Jack sighed with relief. “You leave him to me. He owes me one for keeping me awake again last night.”

Jen raised an eyebrow, a smile growing on her face. 

“Not that,” Jack laughed, nudging her with his good foot. “He’s spent the last few nights tossing and turning.”

“Not used to sharing a bed after so long?” 

“I don’t know. He seems to be asleep. It’s me that’s awake.”

“He’s probably just getting used to having you here. It’s been a rough month.”

“You can say that again,” Jack nodded. 

The sound of the key in the lock caused them to look up at the door. Realising it could only be one person Jack quickly grabbed for a cushion, throwing it to Jen who proceed to cover Jack’s unbraced leg, trying to hide their indiscretion just in time for Doug to walk back in.

“I forgot my cell phone,” he said, looking back at the two sets of eyes looking back at him – the same guilty expressions he was used to seeing at work. “Everything okay?”

“Of course,” Jen smiled. “Are you usually this forgetful?” she asked, trying to deflect the conversation.

“Not usually,” he replied, grabbing his phone from the table and heading back to the door. “I meant to ask earlier if you wanted to stay for dinner tonight? I’ll pick something up on the way home.”

“That’s very kind, but I’m sure Grams has plans for dinner,” Jen replied

“Of course she does,” Jack smiled knowingly.

“Okay,” Doug nodded. “See you later.” He was halfway out of the door before he turned back to Jack. “There’s no point hiding your leg when your brace is still on the floor.”

Both Jack and Jen peered over the edge of the couch following Doug’s eyeline.

“Opps,” Jen smirked.

“He has you wrapped around his little finger,” Doug said, shaking his head at Jen. “Jack, put your damn brace back on,” he added simply, closing the door and leaving for work for the second time.

“Busted,” Jen laughed, removing the cushion and throwing it back in Jack’s direction.

“I’ll pay for that later.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug walked into work, realising he was cutting it fine for the meeting he was supposed to be heading up. It had taken him longer than normal to get himself ready that morning – mostly because he had no desire to go to work, preferring to spend the day at home with Jack, or even better somehow convincing him to go outside. He appreciated the irony of the situation; finding himself in the shoes Jack had been forced into for months. The same thing that had made him step outside being what was keeping Jack inside. Hoping it would not be too long before Jack finally agreed to rejoin the world outside of the apartment, Doug made a mental note to try and come up with something to lure Jack back out.

Walking further into the station Doug was surprised to see only Deputy Munroe sat in wait around the desks used for the morning briefing. He glanced down at his watch, wondering if he was earlier that he thought.

“No, you are late,” Munroe laughed, seeing the confusion on Doug’s face. 

“Where is everyone?” Doug asked, dumping his things down on one of the desks and looking around.

“They thought they would make the most of you being late and have gone to the store to get breakfast,” Munroe explained. “I told them not to get used to it – I don’t recall the last time you were late.”

“I forgot my cell phone. I had to go back and get it,” Doug explained, sitting on the edge of the desks.

Munroe held his hands up in front of him. “I answer to you, not the other way around,” he joked. “But first day on the job since Jack moved in and you’re over twenty minutes late.”

“The two things aren’t related.”

“Sure,” Munroe laughed. “How are things going?”

Doug instinctively looked over his shoulder to see if anyone was around before answering. “Shaky to begin with but good now.”

“Good. You both deserve a bit of calm.”

Doug nodded, sighing heavily, trying to block out the exhaustion he felt – plagued at night by a potent combination of memory and fear, making it impossible to fully relax. He had hoped that it would ease off now that Jack was within reach at night but if anything it was worse. 

“I meant to say that I’ve processed all the information from the crash for Jack’s insurance company. He shouldn’t have any problems.”

“Thank you,” Doug said warmly, having not even thought about it. “It’s going to be sometime before he’s back behind the wheel though.”

“His leg?” Munroe asked.

“Just the thought of getting into a car is bad enough at the moment. Getting him home from the hospital was a challenge. For a while I thought I was going to have to push him the whole way in his wheelchair,” Doug laughed, knowing I was not in the slightest bit funny at the time, but relieved it worked out – even if it did push Jack over the edge.

“I can imagine,” Munroe said sympathetically. “I’m still amazed that we’re sat here with smiles on our faces. This story really could have had a different ending.”

“I know,” Doug nodded, trying not to think about it. Trying not to think about that fact that they were still a long way off the ending, but he appreciated what Munroe meant. “It’s unimaginable.”

Realising that maybe a change of subject was needed, Munroe quickly changed tact. “Sarah is desperate to meet Jack,” he said, shaking his head. “She has in her head that they’re going to friends. She’s been coming up with all sorts of excuses to pop round. I’m not sure I can hold her back much longer.”

Doug could not help but laugh. “Tell her she’s more than welcome at some point.”

“No, I won’t tell her that,” Munroe groaned. “You won’t get rid of her.”

“Clearly you’re not interesting enough for her anymore,” Doug joked.

“Ouch,” Munroe laughed. “I think I preferred the old you.”

Doug smiled, looking down at his watch. “How long does it take to go over the road and get breakfast?”

Munroe looked at him, wondering if he should say anything, finally deciding the truth would come out anyway. “They haven’t gone over the road. They’ve gone to Molly’s”

“Why would they do that when Jim’s store is just across the street?”

“Because Jim is a homophobe with a big mouth,” Munroe said simply. “Maybe losing the trade of the whole police department will teach him not to run his mouth off.”

Doug cringed slightly, having hoped something like this would not happen. “That’s really not necessary.”

“Of course it is. And it was a collective decision across the whole squad. We cannot serve and protect a community while tolerating views like his. This is bigger than you and Jack. Men like him need to learn that there are consequences to their hate.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t need to say anything,” Munroe smiled. “Just go easy on them when they all come trapsing in for the briefing thirty minutes late.”

“Won’t that raise suspicions?” Doug asked, a smile returning to his face.

“It’s too late – your secret is already out. They know you’re not as tough as you pretend.”

Doug laughed, shaking his head. “Well, I may as well retire now.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jen had spent hours trying to convince Jack to leave the apartment. She had suggested going for a short walk – even just up the street and back, somewhere Jack could manage without his wheelchair. He had not gone for the idea, even though Jen could see that he desperately wanted to get outside. She suggested a number of other outdoor activities but he would not budge. In the end she had stopped trying to convince him and tried a little reverse psychology. She knew he would see right through it, but hoped that maybe it would still work.

She picked up her cup of coffee and walked towards the door, not looking over her shoulder to see if Jack was watching – able to feel his questioning eyes on her.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“I’m taking my coffee outside. You can stay here,” she said simply, walking through the door, closing it softly behind her before he had the chance to ask another question. Walking out to the street she sat down on the low wall that ran in front of Doug’s building, taking a sip of her coffee as she waited. Sooner than she had expected she heard the door open behind her, glancing briefly over her shoulder to make sure Jack was okay as he slowly made his way towards her, his hand tracing whatever he could reach in case he lost his balance.

“Nice of you to join me,” she said with a smile as he sat down next to her. 

“Give me that,” he shook his head, reaching out and taking her coffee.

“I made some for you too,” she protested.

“Walking is hard enough at the moment without the additional challenge of carrying hot coffee.”

“True,” Jen smiled. “Would you like me to go back and get yours?”

“Yes please,” Jack nodded, glancing down at his feet. “And could you get my shoes.”

Jen looked down at his feet in only socks and could not help but laugh. “You really were in a hurry to follow me,” she smiled, standing up from the wall. “I’ll be right back.”

Jack took a few deep breaths, looking around, taking in his first real view of Capeside in weeks. Doug’s street was pretty quiet with very little going on but it had an undeniable Capeside feel about it. He wondered if his presence had already gone noticed; if there had been curtains twitching as he had arrived days before, rumours about how he had not been seen since. Or maybe simply no one cared – that any look he received from this moment on meant nothing more than any look he had received all those times before. The accident, being openly in a relationship with Doug – neither of those things were really want defined him. He was still just the man he was before.

He had a smile on his face when Jen returned, sitting back next to him, deciding just to drink the coffee she had originally made for him, as he continued to drink hers – placing his shoes down on the wall between them. “What made you smile like that?”

“Nothing’s changed,” he said softly, a smile still on his face. “I mean, everything has changed, but it’s not changed me – not really.”

“That’s a little deep don’t you think?” she laughed. “You’ve only been sat out here for one minute and you’re coming up with lines like that.”

“I almost died; I’m allowed to be a little deep.”

“True,” she nodded. “But you’re right. The things that make you who you are have not changed, except maybe you appreciate them a little more.”

Jack nodded. “Jen, I think you should go back to New York.”

“Where did that suddenly come from?”

“You’ve been here for four weeks. Even if you’re not missing being at home, I’m sure Grams is, and Amy needs her mom back. I’ve taken enough of your time.”

“No one has done anything they haven’t wanted to do,” Jen said simply.

“I know,” Jack nodded. “Please don’t think I’m being ungrateful. Having you here has been incredible and I don’t think I could have done this without you. I just wish I could have spent time with you under different circumstances.”

“I can stay longer. It’s not a problem,” she said sincerely.

“Now I need to prove that I can do this without you. I need life to start looking a little more like before. And as much as I would love to have you around all the time, eventually you need to go home.”

“What about when you move back home? You’ll need help.”

“Maybe I’ll just stay here longer,” Jack shrugged. “Until I can do all the things I need to. Or maybe Doug could stay at mine for a bit. I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him about it. But I think I need to show Doug that I trust him and I think I need to remind myself that it’s safe to do that.”

“I understand,” Jen nodded. 

“I’m not saying to leave today,” Jack laughed, trying to lighten the mood. “But when you’re ready, it’s okay.”

“I do miss sleeping in a bed,” Jen smiled, causing Jack to look at her slightly confused.

“Where are you sleeping?”

“On your couch,” she replied. “It felt too strange sleeping in your bed when we didn’t know what was going to happen. And then there’s the night that Doug stayed over. After that I didn’t want to take the bed in case he needed it.”

“He did what?” Jack asked, not knowing that happened.

“He missed you,” Jen smiled. “If you had any doubt about his feelings before all of this, I think he has more than proven himself over the last few weeks.”

“He has,” Jack nodded, smiling again. “We’ve lost so much time. I want to be able to give it back to him.” 

“I get that,” Jen sympathised. “And you will.”

He took another couple of sips of his coffee, the weight on his shoulder feeling as though it was beginning to lessen. He closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of sunshine on his face – the light breeze blowing down the street. Beginning to feel a little more alive.

He could hear footsteps coming towards them, opening his eyes in time to see Pacey stop in front of them, a puzzled look on his face. “What’s with the outside coffee break?” 

“It was the furthest I could lure Jack from the apartment,” Jen replied. “Hi, Pacey.”

“And to think I came all this way to try and convince you to join me for a little stroll down by the water,” Pacey smiled, wondering if he could tempt Jack. “I was even going to throw in ice cream for good measure.”

“Nice try, Pacey, but it’s going to be a flat no,” Jen shrugged, enjoying Pacey’s attempt.

Jack thought about it for a second, reminding himself how little he had cared before about what the residents of Capeside thought of him. “Hang on, we should at least hear him out,” Jack argued. “Expand on the ice cream suggestion.”

Pacey smiled a little wider. “My treat. Whatever flavour you like.”

“I’m sold. Let’s go,” Jack nodded.

“You know you can’t walk that far?” Jen said cautiously, worried what Jack had in mind.

“I know,” Jack conceded. “I’ll let you two argue over which one of you is going to push me the whole way there and back.”

“I think that would you be you, Lindley – my offer only stretches to ice cream.”

“Fine,” Jen said standing up. “But I want two scoops.”

“Deal,” Pacey laughed. 

“Pacey, you go and grab the wheelchair and I will help Jack get his shoes on,” Jen instructed. 

“I can do that,” Pacey nodded, quickly heading inside.

“Are you sure about this?” Jen asked Jack softly once Pacey was out of earshot.

“Not really,” he smiled. “But when am I ever sure about anything?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack tried to ignore the eyes on him as Jen wheeled him further into town. He knew that the sight of him may be a little shocking to those who had not witnessed his recovery over the last few weeks. He knew that while some people would have heard the news of the accident and others would have heard the news about his relationship with Doug, some would be oblivious to both pieces of town gossip and simply surprised to see him looking the way he did. It did not really matter why they were looking, it still made him feel self-conscious, imagining the worst.

“If you really want to give them something to talk about I can always hop on your lap,” Pacey smiled, sensing Jack’s apprehension. “I’m pretty tired from walking.”

“You’re not tired; you’re lazy,” Jack replied, looking up at Pacey, hating that he had to look up rather than being eye level as he should be. 

“Says the man who has just spent a month in bed,” Pacey joked.

“This was all just an elaborate ploy to get more sleep,” Jack grinned, appreciating Pacey’s efforts. “I can walk for a bit if you fancy a ride?”

“I don’t think so,” Jen shook her head. “You stay put until we get there.”

“I’m walking into the store,” Jack said adamantly.

“I don’t see any harm in that,” Pacey nodded, backing up his friend.

“Agreed,” Jen nodded, wheeling Jack down off of the main street and along the boardwalk leading to a small row of stores. It was a little quieter down on the waterfront and she could feel Jack relax a little more – impressed with how well he was taking everything in his stride. Stopping in front of the creek, Jen moved from behind Jack to be standing next to him. “You want to stand for a bit and take in the view?”

Jack nodded appreciatively, slowly pulling himself up, holding onto the rail in front of him. He leaned forward, able to keep most of his weight off of his leg as he looked out over the water. “At least some things never change.”

“You can say that again,” Pacey sighed. “Good old, dependable Capeside.”

“I think I’ll miss it,” Jen said softly. “I know Grams will.”

“Are you already planning your escape?” Pacey asked.

“Jack’s given me my marching orders,” Jen teased.

“Released you from service,” Jack interjected, trying to make it sound more the way he intended it.

“She’s doing a bad job and you’ve sacked her – I get you,” Pacey laughed. 

“I think he’s after a more personal Witter experience,” Jen joked, nudging Jack with her elbow.

“Well, I do come highly rated,” Pacey winked.

Jack pulled a slightly disgusted face and shook his head.

“Seriously, I am the younger and better looking model of Witter.”

“You’re not better looking,” Jack shrugged, laughing slightly.

“Come on – you’re just saying that to hurt me,” Pacey protested. “Right, Jen – back me up!”

“Sorry, Pacey, you know we never had a spark between us.”

“And you have a spark with my brother?” Pacey asked.

“No, but he just scrubs up better than you do,” she laughed.

“Unbelievable!” Pacey said, his voice going high pitched. “I bring you here for ice cream and you insult me. And to think I was going to suggest a farewell dinner at the Icehouse.”

“Ask me again after you dazzle me with your culinary skills,” Jen smiled.

“Challenge accepted,” he nodded. “One of you is going to fall in love with me, dammit.”

“Good luck with that,” Jack laughed, suddenly aware of someone approaching them. He stiffened up slightly, catching a quick glimpse of the woman over his shoulder – enough of a look to know that he did not know her. He felt his body tense a little, unsure what she may want.

“Hi,” she said, her voice sounding friendly, making him looking back around. “It’s Jack, right?”

He looked back at her slightly blankly, a sudden feeling of panic that he should know this woman. He quickly glanced at Jen and Pacey, hoping they could help but they both looked as confused as he did.

“It’s okay. We’ve never met,” she said kindly, as though she was reading his mind. “My name is Sarah. My husband, Danny works with Doug – everyone just calls him Munroe.”

“Oh, right,” Jack smiled, slightly relieved, vaguely recognising the name. “Hi.”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just spotted you from my store,” she smiled, pointing the jewellery store behind them. 

“You’re not interrupting,” Jack assured. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too. Danny and I have been really worried about you. He’s been updating me. It’s so lovely to see you back on your feet.”

“Literally,” Jack laughed, glancing down at his leg brace. “Thank you.”

“Are you the one that’s been sending food to the hospital for Doug?” Jen asked.

“Yes,” Sarah nodded, blushing slightly.

“That’s really kind of you,” Jack said, having not realised someone had been doing that.

“We should probably all be thanking you for that,” Pacey laughed, knowing he had eaten plenty of what Doug had not managed.

“It was the least I could do. It was nothing really.”

“If you knew the value Jack puts on food you’d realise it was definitely more than nothing,” Jen said, liking the look of the woman in front of them.

“Thanks, Jen,” Jack groaned.

“Well, if that’s the case then maybe I can make something that you’ll get to enjoy,” Sarah offered. “I could drop it round one evening, save you from having to cook.”

“Please don’t go to any trouble – really,” Jack protested, feeling as though she had already done enough

“It really would be no trouble. I love cooking. It relaxes me.”

“Jack has never been known to turn away food,” Pacey joked, getting the feeling Sarah really wanted to help.

“I guess that’s true,” Jack shrugged.

“I’ve been meaning to drop by one evening to say hi anyway,” she smiled.

“You should,” Jack replied, getting the feeling she wanted an invitation. “How about tonight?”

“Really?” she smiled. “That would be lovely. I can bring dinner.”

“Sounds great,” he nodded, aware that both Jen and Pacey were looking at him oddly. 

“Well, I won’t keep you any longer,” she smiled, gesturing back towards her shop. “I’ll see you later on.”

“See you then,” Jack smiled, watching as she walked away, turning back and waving before going back inside.

“What was that?” Pacey laughed. “Since when are you so sociable? I wasn’t expecting you to invite her in for a dinner party”

“She seems nice,” Jack shrugged, sitting back down in his wheelchair, feeling an ache in his leg. “And Doug won’t be able to lecture me for removing my leg brace if we have company.”

Jen could not help but laugh. “Crafty.”

“Are you at least going to warn Doug that she’s coming?” Pacey asked.

“Where’s the fun in that?”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug had barely made it through the door and put down the bag of groceries he was holding before Jack’s arms were wrapped around him, his mouth quickly finding the other man’s. Doug could not help but smile, glancing around the apartment expecting to see Jen.

“She’s gone,” Jack said, receiving a disapproving look. “I’m old enough to be left home alone for an hour.”

“I hope she’s not expecting to be paid for the full day,” Doug joked.

“Does she get extra for taking me for a walk?” 

“You went out?” Doug smiled, wrapping his arms around Jack a little tighter.

“For ice cream,” Jack replied with a smile, kissing Doug once again.

“Sounds like you’re day has been more fun than mine.”

“I thought you would be home earlier,” Jack said, pulling Doug towards the couch, trying to walk as smoothly and as naturally as possible.

“I stopped off at the store on the way home to get things for dinner,” Doug explained as Jack pushed him back onto the couch. “What has got into you?” he laughed, not planning to do a thing to stop whatever Jack was planning.

“Nothing,” Jack grinned, climbing on top of the other man, straddling him – wincing slightly as the angle did not work for his leg, getting back up and repositioning himself to be sat sideways next to Doug with his legs over his lap. “I missed you.” He leaned in, hand finding Doug’s cheek as he kissed him once again.

“Am I going to be greeted like this after work every day?” 

“Maybe,” Jack teased, kissing him again, allowing his tongue to dip inside Doug’s mouth. “It could be my daily test to see how much flexibility I’ve regained.”

“I could go for that,” Doug smiled, pulling Jack closer again, kissing him with the same enthusiasm that Jack had been demonstrating, his hand running up Jack’s thigh. “Maybe we should forget about dinner.”

“Another night of pizza in bed?” Jack suggested, lips pressed against the skin on Doug’s neck, his hand slipping down his body, getting the reaction he was looking for, stroking him over his pants.

“You’re supposed to be eating healthily,” Doug moaned. “Taking care of yourself and that remaining kidney.”

“That includes keeping fit,” Jack reasoned, mouth now travelling along Doug’s jawline back to his mouth.

“You make an excellent point,” Doug replied, his words mostly lost in Jack’s eager mouth.

“Let’s not worry about food,” Jack kissed. “Things always have a funny way of working out.”

As though timing could not have been any more serendipitous, there was a knock at the door. Doug pulled back suddenly, his eyes wide, looking at Jack to see if he knew who it was – confused by his grin. Jack swung his legs off of Doug’s lap, immediately noticing the bulge in Doug’s pants that his legs had been hiding, continuing to smile as Doug tried to straighten up his uniform, not yet standing from the couch.

“You should probably get that,” Jack grinned, knowingly.

Doug looked back at Jack, slight panic in his eyes, heat rising in his cheeks, unsure how he could simply get up and answer the door. The glint in Jack’s eye was not helping the situation. He was fighting against the lack of blood in his brain to figure out what was going on and why Jack looked so relax – wondering if there was more going on that he was aware of.

“It’s rude to keep them waiting,” Jack continued to grin, his eyes scanning down Doug’s body to the source of the problem. “Are you not excited to have company?” 

Doug cleared his throat, eyes still fixed on Jack, growing more suspicious by the second – finally standing from the couch, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. He took a couple of deep breaths, trying desperately to compose himself, shaken from his thoughts by another knock at the door.

“Open the door – is it really that hard?” Jack teased. 

Doug shot him a look – part annoyance, part pleading for him to step in and help. “You answer the door.”

“I’m resting my leg,” Jack smiled. “And this is your apartment.”

Doug looked down at himself, cursing his unforgiving uniform. “Jack,” he pleaded.

Jack remained on the couch smiling as a knock sounded through the apartment for the third time.

“Coming!” Jack called out; a grin seemingly permanently fixed to his face. “You really should get that.”

Unsure what to do, Doug quickly scanned the area around the doorway for something to help him, quickly grabbing the bag of groceries that had been abandoned on the floor when Jack had accosted him at the door. He held them in front of himself, trying to find a position that looked natural while also protecting his modesty. All he could hear was Jack laughing behind him. He shot him one more disapproving look before answering the door. 

“Munroe. Sarah,” he said, surprised – having expected to see Jen or even Andie. 

“Hi,” Munroe replied, looking almost as uncomfortable as Doug did, his eyes dipping to the bag in Doug’s hands. “Is now a bad time?”

“No,” Doug replied a little too quickly. “Sorry, I’ve only just got home. I had to stop by the store on the way.” He could feel the redness in his cheeks, almost glad that the blood was flowing somewhere else.

“Hi, Doug,” Sarah smiled, seemingly less bothered by Doug’s demeanor.

“Sarah, how are you?” he asked, trying to be polite, still wondering what was going on.

“I’m really sorry,” Munroe shook his head. “I tried to stop her. But Sarah seems to have it in her head that it was okay to come by this evening.”

“No, it’s fine,” Doug shook his head but making no attempt to move. He was suddenly aware of movement behind him.

“Sarah,” Jack smiled. “I’m so glad you could make it.” Both Munroe and Doug looked at each other questioningly as Jack and Sarah shared a friendly smile. “Come in,” Jack invited, having to move Doug out of the way of the door to give them space to enter. 

Sarah smiled widely, not needing to be asked twice, stepping inside and straight to Jack, feeling comfortable enough to lean in and give him a kiss on the cheek in greeting. “I hope you’re hungry. I made lasagna.”

“It smells amazing,” Jack smiled, taking it from her and putting it down on the table, his eyes drifting back to Doug, still stood next to the open door. 

“What’s going on?” Munroe asked Doug quietly.

“I have no idea,” Doug shook his head, watching as Jack continued to have complete control of the situation. 

“Make yourself comfortable,” Jack smiled. “I’ll get some drinks.”

“I thought you were resting our leg,” Doug said, raising an eyebrow.

“I thought you were getting changed,” Jack countered, moving back towards Doug. “Here, let me take that bag from you.” 

“I’ve got it,” Doug said quickly, a smile growing on his face – Jack was good. “Why don’t you sit down – introduce yourself properly. Clearly you’ve already met Sarah.”

“Yes, come sit down,” Sarah smiled, taking Jack by the arm and leading him to the couch. 

“If you want us to leave just say the word,” Munroe said quietly as he passed by Doug.

“No, I think this is exactly what Jack had planned for tonight,” Doug laughed slightly, having missed the mischievous look on Jack’s face. “I’ll be back in a moment and I’ll get everyone a drink.”

Doug quickly excused himself to the bedroom, closing the door behind him, realising he still had the grocery bag in his arms. Leaning back against the door he took a deep breath, wondering what on earth was going on, nearly laughing thinking about the look on Jack’s face, trying to figure out what on earth he was thinking. He knew he should probably be a little annoyed – he certainly would have been a few months ago, but the look of pure enjoyment on Jack’s face made it impossible.

He put the grocery bag down on the bed and quickly removed his work uniform, finding something more comfortable to put on instead, listening to the voices coming from the living room, relieved to hear that everyone was getting on well. He had only met Sarah a handful of times but knew she was the sort of woman that would never allow an awkward silence – always ready with a question or story. He figured she probably had a list of questions for Jack. 

He was about to head back out and rejoin the group when the door opened. Jack poked his head around the door, a smirk plastered all over his face before he fully entered the room, closing the door behind him. 

“Everything okay in here?” 

“Fine,” Doug replied, eyes fixed on the other man.

“I wasn’t sure if maybe you’d decided to take a cold shower.”

“Having fun?” Doug said, trying to keep a straight face but failing.

“Having fun. Exacting revenge. You know, just a typical Monday night,” Jack grinned.

“Revenge?” Doug asked. “For what exactly?”

Jack moved closer to the other man, wrapping his arms around his waist. “I have been thinking about your little confession from yesterday. And while I stand by my assertion that we don’t need to argue about you abandoning me on a trail to be eaten by bears or worse, I feel as though every crime should have a punishment.”

“Really? I wasn’t punished enough before?”

“Maybe,” Jack shrugged. “But I don’t remember it. Now we’re even.”

“Even?” Doug shook his head, kissing Jack softly before pulling away, his hand patting Jack on the ass firmly. “No,” he smiled, walking towards the door. “We’re far from even.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“So, Jack, are you originally from Capeside?” Sarah asked as they were all sat around the table enjoying the food she had brough around accompanied by a salad that Jack had found the ingredients for in the grocery bag abandoned on Doug’s bed.

“No, actually,” Jack shook his head. “I grew up in Providence, Rhode Island. I moved to Capeside during High School, went to college in Boston and New York and then somehow ended up back here.”

“I bet you’re glad of that,” Sarah said, smiling over at Doug.

Doug took a sip of his drink, looking over at Jack. “Most of the time,” he teased. He watched as Jack rolled his eyes dramatically, causing Sarah to laugh. “When he’s not nearly killing himself in car accidents it’s usually okay.”

Both Munroe and Sarah went quiet, unsure what the etiquette was for discussing the accident, both glancing over at each other.

“Maybe too soon,” Jack laughed, patting Doug’s hand.

“Noted,” Doug smiled, noticing how Jack’s hand lingered for a second, trying not to find it a complete turn on. He looked over at Jack and smiled softly. It was nice to see him looking relaxed, even if a little tired. 

“Seeing as you brought it up,” Sarah smiled. “How are you doing?”

“I’m good,” Jack nodded. “I have a few impressive scars, this incredibly fashionable leg brace, one less kidney, but a newfound gratitude for health insurance.”

Sarah could not help but laugh. “The brace isn’t that bad.”

“I’d be more upset about the kidney,” Munroe laughed.

“Thankfully my high impact days of playing football are long behind me,” Jack smiled, trying to hide the fact that he was really having to focus on his words to get them out the way he wanted. He had hoped that he was past the worst, but his tiredness was taking its toll.

“You played in college?” Munroe asked.

“No, Highschool,” Jack explained. “Injury ended that too.”

“I can’t believe Doug managed to keep you a secret so long,” Sarah blurted out, receiving a stern stare from Munroe. “I just mean in a town like Capeside, you can’t hide anything. It’s unprecedented.”

“I apologise for my wife,” Munroe groaned. “She gets desperately upset when she feels like she’s missed out on gossip.”

Jack could not help but laugh, feeling very comfortable with Sarah – she reminded him a little of Andie. “I should introduce you to my sister,” he said absentmindedly.

“Oh lord, please don’t,” Munroe choked on his dinner. “No one needs that level of intensity in one room.”

Sarah rolled her eyes a little. “I just don’t understand how no one noticed anything,” she persisted. 

“There’s plenty to do around Capeside without drawing attention to yourselves,” Doug shrugged, attempting to defend himself a little.

“Like what?” Sarah asked.

Doug paused for a moment, trying to think of something, aware that they had spent many evenings and weekends hidden away at home.

“Hiking,” Jack said simply, a smile creeping over his face. “Doug enjoys the brutal and less than relaxing pass time or walking aimlessly – usually up hill.”

Doug looked at Jack, shaking his head slightly, wishing he had conceded to them now being even.

“You should take Jack to the trail we use for our fitness tests,” Munroe said. “Maybe not right now – but once everything has healed.”

Doug groaned, putting down his fork, knowing that Munroe had just opened a can of worms.

“I think I know the one you mean,” Jack said, eyes fixed on Doug. “Is that the one that runs along the creek? Or the one where you drove off and abandoned me?” The smile on Jack’s face grew into a grin as he watched Doug squirm.

“What?” Sarah laughed.

“Thank you,” Doug said, looking at Munroe. 

“What did I do?” 

“More than you realise actually,” Doug laughed, catching Jack’s eye.

Realising what Doug meant; Jack nearly exploded in excitement. “You’re making this too easy,” he laughed.

“What is going on?” Sarah laughed, feeling out of the loop.

“Care to do the honours?” Jack asked, raising his eyebrows at Doug – partly because he thought it would be fun to make Doug explain and partly because he was rapidly losing energy after a long day.

Doug groaned, looking over at Munroe. “The day you punctured your tire and I drove you back to town,” he explained. “I was there with Jack.”

Munroe looked at him questioningly, suddenly recalling the day Doug meant. “Shit, why didn’t you say something?”

Doug simply shook his head, unable to give an explanation.

Munroe glanced over at Jack and seeing that he had a smile on his face he knew it clearly was not a contentious issue between the two men and Jack was enjoying Doug’s squirming. “You left him there?”

“I went back,” Doug protested.

“Eventually,” Jack teased.

“Please tell me you’re joking?” Sarah laughed. “What is wrong with you?” she said, swiping Munroe’s arm with the back of her hand.

“Hey, don’t blame me.”

“You two are unbelievable,” she shook her head. “Poor Jack.”

“Are you happy now?” Doug smiled at Jack. “You’ve got both of us in trouble.”

“I’m happy,” Jack nodded, smiling to himself.

“Good,” Doug said sincerely.

“I was telling Doug this morning that I’ve processed all the paperwork from the accident for your insurance company,” Munroe said, trying to change the subject, hoping Sarah would stop giving him death stares. 

“Time to pick out new car,” Jack replied, frustrated that he had dropped a word.

Only Doug seemed to notice, looking over at him, seeing the exhaustion beginning to hit him hard.

“Any idea what you’ll go for?” Munroe asked, unsure if Jack was into cars or not, but based on his previous car assumed that he must have at least a mild interest.

“Maybe a…” Jack started, able to picture what he wanted to say but not being able to grasp the word. His mind started to whirl, unable to get the word to his lips. “Maybe a…umm…” Jack shook his head. “Sorry.”

“Are you okay?” Doug asked softly, trying to ignore the concerned looks around the table.

“I’m fine,” Jack nodded, unsure if he needed to explain himself. “Sorry, the word is gone.”

Doug was not sure what to do, not wanting to make a big deal of it and make Jack feel uncomfortable, but knowing he needed to rest.

Sarah smiled softly, noticing the looks being exchanged between the two men. “Whatever you get just don’t go for the same heap of junk Danny did a couple of years back – nothing but problems. Good news is that I never worry about him having an accident in it because the damn thing never starts.”

Jack laughed, appreciative of Sarah’s understanding and humour. She smiled over at him warmly before looking around to see everyone had finished their dinner.

“I don’t know about you three, but I have an early start tomorrow, and Danny has a kitchen to clean at home before bed, so I hope you don’t mind if we get going.”

“Thank you for dinner,” Jack said appreciatively, having enjoyed both the food and the company.

“Anytime,” she smiled. “Come by the shop sometime and we can have lunch.”

“I’d like that,” Jack nodded.

“Thank you for coming,” Doug said, standing from the table, watching as Munroe and Sarah did the same, unsurprised when Jack stay in his chair. 

“Drop the dish back to Danny at work whenever you’ve finished with it. There should be enough for another day or two.”

“Not the way Jack eats,” Doug laughed, walking them to the door, glancing over his shoulder to Jack one last time. 

“See you tomorrow,” Munroe said, grabbing his and Sarah’s coats from the back of the couch. “See you soon, Jack. Nice to meet you properly.”

“You too,” Jack said sincerely. 

“Thank you for inviting us,” Sarah smiled before looking at Doug. “Even if you didn’t realise.”

“Jack is full of surprises. I’m getting used to it,” he replied, opening the door for them.

“Bye,” they both said in unison, waving as they walked out.

Doug closed the door and sighed softly, looking over at Jack – exhausted but still with a smile on his face. “Have fun tonight?”

Jack simply nodded, the smiled remaining firm.

“Good,” Doug nodded, walking back to the table and sitting back down next to Jack. “I’m glad.”

“Did you?” 

“After the initial surprise,” Doug glared playfully. “It was nice.”

“Good,” Jack nodded.

“Come on,” Doug said, standing up and reaching out to help Jack up. “You look exhausted. Let’s get you to bed.”

Jack allowed Doug help him up from his seat and support his weight at made his way towards the bedroom without protest. “I had fun.”

“I know you did,” Doug laughed, helping Jack lower himself onto the bed. “I should clean up.”

“Leave it,” Jack said softly. “Just come to bed with me.”

Realising that there was always time to clean up, but moments like these with Jack would always be precious, he nodded softly, climbing into the bed next to him. “You know I had a few plans in mind in retaliation following your revenge plot,” he said, running his fingers through Jack’s hair, watching as his eyelids grew heavier. “But I guess that can wait for another night.”

“Be careful what you start,” Jack smiled softly, enjoying the feel of Doug lying close to him.

“I have a better idea of the evil I’m up against now.”

Jack continued to smile, turning towards Doug a little more. Breathing in the same scent that had kept him afloat in the hospital. “Have you told you recently that I love you?”

Doug smiled, pressing his forehead against Jack’s – having feared at one point that he would never hear those words again. “I love you too.”

Jack closed his eyes, pushing his face forward a little, his nose rubbing against Doug’s. “I never stopped.”

Unable to say a word, Doug wrapped his arms around Jack, pulling him as close as possible – kissing him softly. There were a thousand things he wanted to say. A thousand feelings he had been pushing down, bubbling to the surface whenever Jack was near – threatening to cause an explosion.

“But you made me fall in love with you twice,” Jack confessed against Doug’s lips, a small laugh hiding his slight embarrassment at the words that had tumbled out of him. Unable to hide the truth any longer.

Eyes also closed, Doug breathed in the man he loved, hand on his cheek, fingers idly playing in the ends of Jack’s hair. He felt a tear roll down his cheek, wondering how many times Jack was going to reduce him to tears. He smiled slightly at the thought, kissing Jack softly. “Some things are meant to be.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_The nightmares always started with the flashing of lights – blue and red. The muffled sound of sirens. The sun so low in the sky that it was impossible to see anything else except the golden glow of light stretched across the sky like a halo over the town. He could feel himself having to squint, desperately trying to make out the path in front of him. His body felt heavy as though he was carrying the weight of the world._

_Each of his footsteps felt as though he was wading through water, the sound of the creek that gave him comfort; like being lost in a childhood memory, quickly washed away, replaced with the crackling of radios, voices buzzing through the air but no words distinguishable. The air smelt of gasoline and panic. Terror so palpable that he could almost reach out and touch it. He was stood in the middle of the road, people everywhere, the sound of their voices growing louder with each passing second, yet still nothing made sense to him. Eyes looking at him. Mouths moving. Waiting for him to respond but he had no idea what they were saying to him. Hands gripped his arms, pulling him, ignoring the fact that he was resisting, ignoring the fact that he was pleading for them to let him go._

_He could not figure out what was happening. How everyone seemed to know what he was supposed to be doing except for him. He began to look around desperately searching for a clue, suddenly seeing it – unsure how he had not noticed before. At the edge of the road, resting on its side, wheels still spinning was Jack’s car. As if he had an epiphany, his mind was flooded with knowledge of Jack. As though he had simply not existed until that moment. He felt his body begin to fill with thoughts of the other man, causing his heart to swell, his brain to find a new way of seeing things._

_From the shadows Jack appeared, walking towards him slowly, a smile on his face. The rest of the world fell dark and all he could see was Jack. He felt his body began to calm, unable to feel anything bad when Jack’s eyes are fixed on him. But as he moved closer, emerging from the dark bit by bit, Doug could see that something is not quite right. The man’s face began to grow more pale, his steps become more unsteady. Looking closely, Doug could make out traces of red running down his face, growing darker and wetter with each second. His heart was pounding in his chest, willing Jack to keep walking – his arms stretched out in encouragement but still unable to reach. Seeing Jack stumble Doug began to run, knowing he needed to get to Jack before he fell, scared that if he hit the ground he would be absorbed into the darkness that surrounded them._

_He screamed his name, hearing it echo around them. He was begging Jack to keep walking; to not give up, fighting desperately to get to him. No matter how hard he tried, or how fast he ran he could not get any closer. He could feel the tears on his cheeks as he continued to plead with Jack to find the strength to keep going – panic coursing through his veins, his heart pounding so hard that he felt dizzy. He can hear himself pleading with the universe – making every promise and bargain he can think of for everything to be okay, knowing he was being ignored the moment he saw Jack’s body falter, crumbling to the ground._

_Suddenly able to move, Doug ran to Jack, falling down next to his body. He reached out to him, unsure where to put his hands – blood everywhere. In the distance he could still hear the crackling of radios and the voices of officers and first responders; feeling himself growing increasingly agitated – desperate for someone to help. He could hear his voice screaming out – the sound of complete terror ricocheting around him. Jack’s body lifeless before him. Doug began pleading with anyone that would listen – his hands pushing down on Jack’s body, trying to stop the bleeding, not sure where it was coming from. His hands, now covered in Jack’s blood, moved to Jack’s face, holding his cheeks, begging for him to wake up, begging for him to open his eyes, to tell him how he could help._

_Slowly Jack’s body began to sink into the darkness and no matter how tight Doug tried to hold onto him, he continued to slip away until the darkness had completely consumed him. Doug’s body fell into the dirt, lying in the darkness, wishing for it to absorb him in the way it did Jack. Desperate to know where Jack had gone, suddenly everything around him began to spin. In the distance he can hear the sound of machines beeping. He can hear his own voice, talking softly and making promises. As he tried to move closer to the sound he found he was once again incapable of moving. His heart beathing faster, heading spinning. He could barely breath._

_Just as he thought he was finally going to be taken by the darkness, feeling his body begin to sink a little deeper into the damp softness below, Jack’s face once again appeared before him – deathly white, eyes still closed. This time when he reached out to touch him he was able to feel the chill on Jack’s skin – skin that was usually warm and pink now feeling like ice to the touch. Able to scramble closer, he pressed his lips against Jack’s, praying for some kind of reaction. He gripped Jack’s cheeks in his hands once again, resting his forehead against the other man’s, kissing him once more._

_As he pulled away, Jack’s eye lids began to flutter, opening slowly. His blue eyes looked to be made of ice as he looked back at Doug, no trace of the smile that had been there before. He opened his mouth, eyes fixed on Doug’s before uttering three little words – ‘you did this.’_

**To be continued…**


	15. Waking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies that this chapter took a little longer to post that usual. I really wanted to finish chapter 16 before posting this... which I haven't quite done yet but I am working on it and getting close. Chapter 16 is going to be LONG so it may take a little while for me to post but I promise to get it to you as soon as I can. Thank you so much for reading - it honestly means the world to me.
> 
> ***** ******  
> 

_Even though it was a dream, Doug could feel the tie he was wearing growing tighter around his neck. He could feel his breath catching in his throat, gasping for air – feeling like the room was spinning. Every attempt to loosen his collar and draw breath had the opposite effect until it felt as though he had a noose wrapped around his neck – his stomach churning as though he was waiting for the trap door beneath his feet to open and cause him to plummet. It should have been a scary thought, except he knew he was already plummeting, freefalling deeper into the despair that seemed to be his whole world now._

_His shaking fingers tried to fasten the button on the cuff of his sleeve – failing three times before finally managing. He looked at himself in the mirror – unable to meet his own eyes. His gaze dipped, merely focusing on how he looked in his suit. Just another mask. Another way of hiding. He knew that was why he could not look himself in the eye – unwilling and unable to face the lifetime of lies had made up to protect himself. Lies that had grown in number and significance over the years until he could no longer see a way of surviving without them._

_He took a deep breath, opening the doors in front of him – suddenly faced with a room full of people dressed in black. Heads dipped, tears falling. In the middle of the mourners was a simple wooden casket, the contents of which he knew better than anything else in the world. It contained more than just the body of a man – it contained his own heart. He began to walk forward, the tie around his neck once again feeling like a noose. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, but he could have sworn he could hear the sound coming from outside of his body – echoing around the room, causing everyone to look up from their moment of silent mourning to now be staring at him._

_“This is a private gathering,” a woman said. Doug had no idea who she was. “Only close family and friends.”_

_“I know,” Doug replied, looking into the gathering, trying to find someone to help him._

_“You need to leave now,” she continued, not giving Doug a chance to explain, but deep down he knew he had had many chances to explain, many chances to speak up – never once choosing to take them._

_“Please,” Doug said softly. “I loved him.”_

_The woman looked at him a little more closely, as though her eyes were burrowing into his soul, trying to figure out if his words were true. “No,” she shook her head. “You loved your job. You loved your life.”_

_“No,” Doug protested. “I loved Jack.”_

_She continued to shake her head, leading him back towards the door with a strength that Doug could not comprehend. “So why don’t we know who you are?” she asked, before closing the door, locking him out._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was still dark outside when Jack woke up, unsure what it was that had woken him. Having fallen asleep quickly, he had then been disturbed by Doug’s restlessness. Finding it difficult to fall back to sleep with Doug tossing and turning next to him, he found himself drifting in and out of consciousness, not quite making it all the way back into a fitful sleep. At one point he was shaken awake by Doug calling out in his sleep – or at least thought that was what happened, unsure if maybe he had just dreamt it. Eventually Doug had stilled and Jack had managed to settle, drifting back into a deep sleep – feeling the exhaustion hammering down on him hard. The combination of a number of nights of disturb sleep and more mentally and physically taxing days were taking their toll.

Opening his eyes further he realised Doug was no longer in bed. He sat up a little and looked around the bedroom, still unable to find him. Realising that he would not be able to simply go back to sleep, Jack pushed back the bed covers, rubbing his hands over his face as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. He stood up carefully, glancing over at his leg brace resting on the floor next to the bed, willfully ignoring it as he made his way out of the room, wincing a little with each step – the pain not bad enough to make him want to go back and go through the hassle of strapping his brace on. 

He continued to make his way out of the bedroom, glancing around the living room, peering through the darkness, still unable to find Doug. He yawned, heading to the kitchen, stopping in the doorway, seeing Doug stood with his arms braced against the counter, looking out of the window; framed by moonlight. Jack stood for a moment, waiting to see if Doug would notice his presence, not wanting to speak and startle him, but after a moment he realised that Doug was oblivious to the fact he was standing there.

He took a few more steps forward, gently reaching out, his fingers lightly grazing Doug’s back, finally getting his attention. “What are you doing?” he asked softly.

“I couldn’t sleep,” Doug said simply, not turning to face Jack. His voice sounded hoarse. 

Jack stepped closer, wrapping his arms around him, leaning his head against his shoulder. “How long have you been stood here?”

“Not long,” Doug shrugged – no idea if he was lying or not. Time seemed to have stopped. 

“Come back to bed,” Jack said, still sounding sleepy. 

“In a minute,” Doug nodded, finally turning around in Jack’s arms. “You go.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s nothing. I just needed a glass of water.”

“That doesn’t explain why you’ve been tossing in turning for nights,” Jack shook his head. “Is it me? Do you want me to go?"

"No," Doug said quickly. “God, no. I love having you here.”

“Okay,” Jack nodded, smiling slightly, embarrassed for feeling so insecure. “So what’s going on?” 

“Really, it’s nothing. I just couldn’t sleep. Probably just too hot.”

“Why don’t I believe you?” Jack asked, not buying what Doug was telling him, shuffling slightly, trying to take move his weight off of his leg, beginning to feel an ache. 

“Because you’re trying to deflect from the fact that you’re walking around without your brace?” Doug replied, raising an eyebrow.

“Really, Sheriff?” Jack smiled. “Because it seems to me that if anyone is trying to deflect, it is in fact you.”

“Is that how you see it?” Doug asked, leaning forward kissing Jack.

“You’re doing it again,” Jack smiled, Doug’s lips still pressed against his, kissing him once again.

“You’re just going to cause more damage if you walk around like this,” Doug lectured between kisses. “You’re just slowing down the healing process.”

“Well don’t wander off and leave me alone in bed then and I wouldn’t have to come looking for you,” Jack smiled, kissing Doug firmly to punctuate his point.

“How was I supposed to know you’d come looking for me?” 

“Same as you know you’d come looking for me,” Jack smiled, wrapping his arms around Doug’s neck, kissing him a little more deeply.

Doug’s hands moved to Jack’s hips, rocking against him gently as he continued to kiss him, enjoying the feel of Jack’s fingers playing in his hair. “Is this another trick?” Doug asked. “Is someone waiting on the other side of the front door ready to knock?”

“No trick,” Jack laughed, glancing down at their bodies pressed together. “And I think we’re both in the same boat this time.”

“Definitely feels that way,” Doug smiled, using his hands on Jack’s hips to maneuver him round so he now had his back against the counter, Doug stood in front of him. “Hop up.”

“What?” Jack smiled, suddenly realising what Doug meant, doing the best he could with one arm to lift himself up into a seated position on the counter, Doug helping him before parting Jack’s legs and moving back up against him. “Hop up – what is that? The cop version of sweeping someone off their feet?”

Doug could not help but laugh. “It seemed fitting considering you only have one good leg.”

Jack rolled his eyes slightly, unable to hide the smile from his face. “Now what?”

“This,” Doug smiled, lips once again finding Jack’s, kissing with intent, his tongue finding Jack’s. He reaching down and pulled Jack’s hips forward, bringing him to the very edge of the counter, lifting one of Jack’s legs, wrapping it around him as he push up against him firmly. 

“I’m not sure this is hygienic,” Jack joked, his head dipping to Doug’s shoulder as the other man continued to press firmly against him.

“I’m not sure I care,” Doug replied, lifting Jack’s t-shirt up his body, his mouth following the path of newly exposed skin has he continued to pull at the fabric until it was completely removed. His mouth traced his way over Jack’s abdomen, kissing each one of Jack’s scars – each one a physical reminder of what they had been through; what they had survived. “This one is my favourite.”

“You have a favourite scar?” Jack laughed, wondering what on earth had got into the other man. “You’re clearly sleep deprived.”

Doug’s fingers gently ran over the small scar that was once where Jack’s chest tube had been. Unable to link the man in front of him now; full of life, with the one that had been lying in the hospital bed that first day. “You may actually be a miracle,” he said softly. 

Jack smiled, hands going to Doug’s face, bringing it back to his, kissing him passionately, not wanting to lose him to the memory of all that had been, only wanting to focus on the promise of what was to come. Not just in that moment but for the rest of their lives. “I’m here,” he spoke softly, cheek pressed against Doug’s. “Right now,” he assured, kissing Doug once more. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“You may need to go somewhere,” Doug said with a gentle smile, glancing over his shoulder. “Because you’re a little too high up for what I have planned.”

Jack laughed slightly, “So now you want me to ‘hop down’?” 

“No,” Doug grinned playfully. “This is my opportunity to actually sweep you off your feet.”

Jack’s eyes widened realising what was about to come, quickly wrapping his arms around Doug’s neck as Doug pulled him forward off of the counter, spinning around and masterfully taking the few steps required to make it to the table, placing Jack back down and kissing him again.

“I could have walked that far,” Jack laughed, arms still wrapped around Doug’s neck.

“Where’s the fun in that,” Doug grinned, leaning forward, encouraging Jack backwards, continuing to kiss him until he felt his body rest flat against the table. Without missing a beat his hands moved to the top of Jack’s underwear, slipping it down in a smooth motion, aided by Jack lifting his hips. He stepped back just enough to allow Jack to free his legs before quickly removing his own clothing.

Jack was about to joke about how the bed was not that much further away when Doug’s mouth once again found his own, kissing him wildly making Jack realise that even though the bed was close it was not close enough for Doug right now. Wrapping a leg around Doug, Jack pulled him closer, pushing up against him, back arching, pushing his chest up against Doug’s – wishing desperately that his wrist was no longer in a cast, wanting to run both of his hands through Doug’s hair and over the muscles of his back.

He felt one of Doug’s hands travel down his body, finding where it needed to be, slowly but firmly pushing a finger into him. Jack felt his body tense slightly, focusing on Doug’s kiss as the second joined the first. He moaned against Doug’s mouth as his body was skillfully manipulated by the man who knew exactly what to do to extract the very sounds coming from Jack in that moment. Jack pushed up against him a little harder, wanting to hear the same sounds of pleasure come from Doug, quickly rewarded with exactly that.

Jack playfully bit down on Doug’s lip and moaned in protest at the removal of Doug’s fingers, receiving a gentle slap on the ass in response, feeling Doug laugh against him. Doug’s hands returned to Jack’s hips moving him closer to the edge of the table, holding him firmly as he began to push into him, stopping briefly as Jack’s mouth pulled away from his and gasped, his forehead pushing into Doug’s shoulder. Waiting until Jack softly kissed his shoulder, Doug continued, thrusting forward until he was fully surrounded. 

He stood up a little straighter, no longer pressed against Jack’s body, arms wrapping under Jack’s arms and over his shoulder blades, helping to lift him a little more upright, both of them moaning simultaneously at the shift of position. Jack braced his hands against the table behind him, quickly realising that he could not comfortably do that with his cast wrist, instead wrapping that arm around Doug’s shoulders, feeling Doug continue to help support his weight. 

“I’m not sure I still have the muscle strength for this anymore,” Jack laughed, repositioning slightly.

“I’ve got you,” Doug assured, kissing him softly, waiting a moment for Jack to look comfortable before he began to move. One arm wrapped tightly around Jack’s lower body, the other supporting his back taking the pressure off of Jack’s arm and stomach muscles as he began to trust a little more firmly. He lowered his forehead to Jack’s shoulder, hearing the gasps and moans mixed in with Jack’s heavy breathing playing out next to his ear as Jack wrapped his leg more tightly around him for extra security. 

He held Jack close, moving against him in a slow rhythm, his mouth going to Jack’s, not quite kissing him, just opening against Jack’s, breathing in the other man, forehead against his – eyes locked, knowing Jack was feeling the same intensity as he was – pushing back up against him the best he could in the same rhythm that Doug had set.

Jack let out a long and loud moan, his fingers tangled in Doug’s hair as he pushed his head back, gasping for air – the sudden shift of Jack’s body causing a ripple of pleasure of course through Doug. 

“Fuck,” Doug groaned, pulling Jack even closer.

Jack’s laughed slightly, always enjoying how Doug seemed to only swear during sex. He tried to reposition himself again. “Doug, please,” he exhaled. “I can’t.”

Doug looked at him questioningly for a split second before realising what Jack meant, helping him to lay back against the table as he had been before. “Better?”

Jack nodded, taking a deep breath, instantly craving Doug’s movements to begin again. When they did, they were harder and more fraught that before, Doug seemingly unable to hold back any longer, hands gripping Jack firmly, fingertips burning into his skin. He thrust hard a couple more times before his hand moved to Jack’s length for the first time. He felt Jack tighten around him, his back arched in pleasure – watching in awe as Jack’s mouth opened in a gasp before his teeth grazed over his bottom lip, trying to stop everything from tumbling out if him. 

A shiver ran through Jack as Doug continued his dual offence, his breathing becoming strained, squeezing his eyes shut, fighting every urge to succumb, not wanting let go just yet. Opening his eyes, his gaze instantly met Doug’s – eyes drawn together like magnets, and he knew that Doug was suffering in the same way he was. Pushing back against Doug a little harder, he heard his moan, knowing that he was a few moments away from the ecstasy that he had been chasing, feeling his body begin to tense, his legs quivering slightly, still wrapped around the other man.

Jack opened his mouth – the sounds he had been fighting back suddenly flooding out of him as he climaxed, tightening around Doug causing him to also cry out as he peaked, fingers digging into the flesh of Jack’s hip even harder as his head dropped down. 

Jack eyes closed, trying to regain control of his breathing, smiling as he felt Doug lean forward and softly kiss his chest. 

“This is why you shouldn’t have come looking for me,” Doug sighed, some of the tension that had been pulsing through him finally gone.

Jack shook his head. “This is exactly why I always will.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I bet you’re going to miss this,” Jack joked as Jen pushed his wheelchair down the street.

“You mean pushing you around?” she asked, laughing slightly. “It’s definitely more of an effort than pushing Amy in her stroller.”

“You don’t get the same level of thrilling conversation with Amy though.”

“True,” Jen nodded. “And then there’s the added bonus of you being toilet trained.”

“So is that your way of saying you’ll miss me?”

“You know I will,” Jen said softly. “But I’ll be looking forward to you coming to visit us.”

“That could be a while,” Jack shrugged.

“Maybe. But we’ll be there, patiently waiting.”

There was a moment of silence; a shared moment of contemplation, both of them wondering if they were ready for Jen to head back to New York. Wondering if Jack would be able to cope during the day while Doug was working – or if the boredom and isolation would begin to drive him crazy like it had in the hospital. Jen also wondering if she was ready to leave him behind – wanting nothing more than to hold him close and never let him go. Having come too close to losing her best friend. A trauma she had not even begun to work through.

Jack looked around the street. They were further into town than they had ventured on previous days. The street was busier than others they had walked down. He clenched his hands in his lap, wondering if Jen had chosen this route for any particular reason, wishing that she had turned left instead of right – taking them along the quieter waterfront. He tried to tell himself that he was not bothered by people’s looks. He tried to ignore them. But being in his wheelchair, he felt more vulnerable, smaller; more insignificant. He did not feel his usual strength and ability to overlook the behaviour of those around him.

“Where are we going?” he asked.

“Grams asked me to pick up a couple of things from the store,” Jen replied, continuing up the street, unbeknownst to Jack holding the stares of those whose eyes lingered a little too long or began to whisper upon seeing him. She knew that Jack was going to be the source of a lot of gossip for a while and wanted to make sure she was with him when experiencing it in its entirety for the first time. Wanting to protect him if needed, but most importantly build his confidence. As confident as she was in Doug’s ability to standby her friend, she also knew the comments and stares burnt into him as deeply as they did Jack. She wanted to make sure Jack had not lost his thick skin – knowing he would need it.

“I know you’re lying,” Jack said simply. 

Jen considered protesting but realised it was pointless. “Okay, fine,” she shrugged. “But now we’re here do you fancy a coffee?”

“I can make you coffee at home.”

“Home, huh?” Jen questioned. “I take it things are going well at Doug’s?”

“It’s fine,” Jack said, slightly embarrassed by his slip up. Wondering why it was so hard to admit that he was enjoying staying with Doug. It felt incredibly natural, making him regret how much resistance had shown to it before. “It’s just a turn of phrase.”

“Sure,” Jen dismissed. “Just remember – home is where the heart is.”

“Wherever it is, could we just go back there?” Jack requested, no longer feeling comfortable.

“Soon. I really do need to make a stop off.”

“I’m going to walk then,” Jack said adamantly, making it clear by his tone that he was not going to be persuaded otherwise. “If they’re going to stare they can at least look me in the eye while they’re doing it.”

Jen stopped walking, smiling to herself upon hearing Jack’s words. She watched as he slowly pulled himself up from the chair, turning to face her, nodding at her defiantly. “Let’s do this,” she nodded back, moving to stand next to him, pushing the empty wheelchair in front of them. 

“You still want that coffee?” he asked.

“Desperately.”

“Okay,” Jack said, taking a deep breath. “But please make it the first coffee shop we find. I’m not limping miles just to prove a point.”

Jen laughed, looping an arm through Jack’s as they walked up the street, able to push the wheelchair one handed now that it was empty. “Deal.” She glanced up the street, looking for somewhere for them to stop – preferably somewhere not too busy. As she looked over the street to a café she and Jack used to go to as teens she spotted something that made her smile. “How about that one?” she asked. “It doesn’t look like it’s changed much since we were in high school, but I think I definitely would have remembered that hot guy in the window if he used to drink there when we did.”

Jack followed Jen’s eyeline, wondering what she was talking about, a smile also appearing on his face when he spotted Doug inside, stood by the counter talking to one of the members of staff. “What is he doing in there?”

“Maybe someone complained that their coffee was too hot this morning,” Jen joked. “That’s the sort of complaint he deals with around here right? God knows there never really seems to be any real crime in this sleepy little town.”

“Don’t let him hear you say that,” Jack laughed recalling a memory that had recently come back to him upon seeing Doug in uniform. “I made a joke once about him being a glorified traffic cop and I thought he was going to throw me in jail.” 

“Come on,” Jen said, pulling Jack across the street, checking first that no cars were coming, not wanting to be responsible for Jack being in another accident. She bumped the wheelchair up the curb and headed closer to the window Doug was stood in. “Let’s have a little fun,” she grinned towards Jack before jumping into the wheelchair.

Already picturing the unimpressed look they were about to receive from Doug when he saw them, Jack pushed Jen the remaining couple of steps towards the window, knocking lightly on the glass to get his attention.

The woman behind the counter looked up, spotting them first, smiling as she pointed over Doug’s shoulder towards them, causing Doug to turn around. His initial reaction was to smile, excited to see Jack, before it quickly turned to a frown, his head tilting slightly to the side as he shook his head disapprovingly, watching as both Jack and Jen grinned back at him. Excusing himself from the counter he headed towards them, opening the door. 

“I hope this little display is purely for my benefit?” 

“Have you ever been a single mother, Sheriff?” Jen mocked, making herself comfortable in the chair in an exaggerated fashion. “It’s exhausting.”

“The sooner you go back to New York the better,” he muttered as he shook his head. “What are you doing here?”

“Jen wanted coffee,” Jack replied, pushing her towards the doorway. “The real question is what are you doing here?”

Doug held the door open for them, trying to ignore the fact that Jack was still pushing Jen. “I had a couple of matters to attend to. I was just catching up with the owner.”

Jack pushed Jen to the closest table, suddenly unsure how he should greet Doug in public, trying to figure out if Doug being in uniform changed things. Relieved when Doug took charge, leaning in and kissing him, taking hold of his hand, leading him towards the counter.

“Cynthia, this is Jack. I’m not sure if you’ve ever met,” Doug said, proudly. “Jack, this is Cynthia, she owns this place.”

“Hi,” Jack said, slightly stunned – enjoying the feel of Doug’s hand holding his tightly, thumb gently stroking his. 

“Nice to meet you properly. Doug was just telling me about your accident. I’m glad you’re doing better.”

“Thank you,” Jack replied sincerely. “It’s good to be back on my feet.”

“Not that you really should be,” Doug said, glancing over at Jen disapprovingly, still sat in Jack’s wheelchair.

“Why don’t you take a seat. I’ll bring you some coffee,” Cynthia said. 

“Thank you,” Doug nodded, leading Jack back to the table.

“Are you staying?” Jack asked, assuming he would need to dash off.

“I have time,” Doug replied, pulling a chair out for Jack. “Even sheriffs get a lunch break.”

“Is that when all the bad stuff happens?” Jen laughed, getting up from the wheelchair and sitting down at the table.

“I guess we’re about to find out,” Doug answered. “What do you two have planned for this afternoon?”

“I was planning a nap,” Jack shrugged. “But Jen had other ideas.”

“It’s nice to see you out.”

“It’s nice to see you too,” Jack smiled.

“Would you two like me to leave you alone?” Jen teased, watching as their eyes remained on each other. 

“Maybe you should get your coffee to go,” Jack replied jokingly.

“Too late,” Cynthia chimed in, carrying over their coffee. “These are on the house. Consider it a belated get well coffee.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jack shook his head.

“One of the perks of owning this place is that I get to do whatever I like,” she said, putting her hands on Jack’s shoulders, leaning in close. “And it’s nice to see Doug looking so happy.”

“Thank you,” he said softly, having not realised she knew Doug that well.

“Doug was my date to a high school dance – sophomore year, was it?” she asked.

Doug laughed, shaking his head slightly. “I believe so.”

“No way,” Jack grinned. “I can’t imagine Doug dancing.”

“He’s better than you’d think,” Cynthia said, patting Doug on the shoulder. “He wasn’t always this serious.”

“I’ve suddenly remembered why I don’t come in here very often,” Doug joked.

Cynthia leaned down and gave Doug a quick hug around his shoulders. “I should get back to work,” she groaned, heading back to the counter. 

“Sophomore year?” Jen laughed, looking over at Jack. “Isn’t that when we got set up at a dance?”

“I think so,” he nodded. “You saved me from having to dance with Andie.”

“High school was so depressing,” Jen groaned, remembering it all.

“I’ll drink to that,” Doug agreed, raising his coffee. “Here’s to life getting better after high school.”

“I’ll cheers to that,” Jen said, also lifting her cup.

“I still spend half my life in a high school,” Jack reminded. “Or at least I did.”

“And will again,” Doug said quickly, resting his hand over Jack’s on the table. “Just enjoy the break for a while.”

“You make it sound like I’m in Europe rather than just a leg brace,” Jack said rolling his eyes a little. 

“You want to go to Europe? Name the country and we’ll go.”

“Yeah right,” Jack laughed. 

“I’m serious,” Doug replied. “What’s stopping us?”

“Life?” Jack replied.

“Or is that exactly the reason why we should go?”

“Jack, you’re about to blow your chance at a holiday,” Jen joked, wising Jack could see everything that was still available to him rather than his limitations, suddenly distracted by a woman stood at the counter talking to Cynthia, her voice hushed but glancing over at their table every few second.

Doug noticed Jen’s eyeline. Glancing to his side behind Jack, he also noticed the woman at the counter who when he caught eye contact with her gave him a disgusted look. He tried to ignore it, aware that Jack had not noticed. He looked over at Jen, wondering if she was thinking the same thing he was. 

Soon enough the conversation between Cynthia and the woman at the counter became too loud to ignore. Jack now also turning around to see what was going on. 

Wanting to try and contain whatever was going on Doug stood up from the table, and walked the few paces to the counter. “Is there a problem?” Doug asked.

“It’s fine,” Cynthia said apologetically. 

“Yes, there is a problem,” the woman said sternly. “I want my money back for the coffee I purchased. I will not be staying.”

Doug glanced down at the counter, seeing the woman’s half-finished coffee. “Is there something wrong with the coffee?”

“Doug, please – it’s fine,” Cynthia assured, eyes pleading with him to not get involved, but it was too late. 

“The coffee is not the problem,” the woman spat back. “The problem is the clientele that this place is now attracting.”

“What exactly is the problem?” Doug asked, looking around the coffee shop to see it mostly empty, his eyes meeting Jack’s briefly, wishing that he was not having to witness this – though aware he had probably dealt with far worse.

“What is the problem?” the woman said angrily. “The problem is you. Parading around as though you’re not the least bit ashamed of being here with him,” she said venomously, pointing at Jack. “And in uniform no less.”

Doug shook his head, looking over at Jack. “That’s because I’m not in the least bit ashamed. Nor should I be.”

“You disgust me,” the woman said – her eye going back and forth between the two men. “You are the sheriff of this town. This sort of behaviour is unacceptable.”

“What behaviour are you referring to?” Doug asked.

“Doug,” Jack begged. “Just leave it.”

“No, Jack, I won’t,” Doug replied, his voice softer than it was when he returned his attention to the woman. “Go ahead, what is so unacceptable?” Out of the corner of his eye he saw Jen reach out and take hold of Jack’s hand.

“I’ve been watching you,” she replied. “Kissing him, holding his hand. It’s a disgrace.”

Realising he needed to find a way to defuse the situation Doug tried to keep calm. “It’s a shame you feel that way. But it’s not going to change how I go about my life. You’re just going to have to get used to it.”

The woman turned back to Cynthia. “And you’re going to let men like that in here?”

Cynthia smiled slightly, finding the question absurd. “These are friends of mine,” she said simply. “And even if that were not the case, they will always be welcome here. This establishment will not discriminate against anyone, and if you have a problem with that I suggest you find somewhere else to get your coffee.”

The woman looked back her, almost lost for words. “Then give me my money back.”

Cynthia looked at Doug, unsure what she should do. Unsure if she was required to do so, not wanting to get into any hot water over a couple of dollars.

“Cynthia, do you have a takeout cup?” he asked. 

Cynthia nodded back at her friend as she reached over and grabbed one from the shelf, handing it to Doug. She watched as he picked up the remainder of the woman’s coffee and poured it in. Placing the lid on top that Cynthia quickly passed over, he reached the cup out to the woman. 

“Here,” he said, forcing a smile. “No need for your money back, you can take it with you.”

The woman looked at him, even more disgusted than she had been before, turning on her heels and heading towards the door, leaving Doug still holding her coffee. “Disgraceful!”

“I couldn’t have put it better myself,” Doug nodded, watching as she stormed out, the front door banging closed harshly. Doug looked back at his friend. “I am so sorry.”

“Why are you apologising?” she asked, shaking her head at him. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Doug turned back to face Jack, sat with his back to him, not moving. His eyes met Jen’s as she offered him a comforting smile, knowing that Jack would be mortified. Taking a deep breath, Doug sat back down next to Jack, moving his chair a little closer to the other man. “Jack, I’m sorry.”

Jack looked over at him, a slight smile growing on his face. “The way she stormed out of here was as though you’d spat in her coffee.”

Doug laughed slightly, relieved that Jack was not upset with him. “I was tempted.”

“Europe is sounding a lot more inviting right now.”

“Consider it done,” Doug replied, taking hold of Jack’s hand. Through the front window of the store he could see the woman that had just stormed out on the other side of the street, a few people gathering around her as she gestured wildly – Doug could only imagine how she was choosing to retell the story. He glanced over at Cynthia and saw that she was watching the same scene play out.

“You did not cause this,” Cynthia said adamantly, causing both Jack and Jen to notice what was going on outside.

“You’re lucky; it looks like the townsfolk have left their pitchforks at home today,” Jen said dryly. 

“Do you need to go deal with that?” Jack asked Doug, for the very first time worried about Doug’s safety at work.

“No,” Doug shook his head, refusing to go out there and leave Jack behind.

“Maybe you should just head back to the station?” Jack suggested, wanting to avoid Doug having to confront them – worried that maybe the woman would come back to continue the argument and maybe this time not alone. He could tell from Doug’s face that he had considered the same possibility.

“I’m not going to walk away and leave you to deal with them,” Doug replied. 

“This is nothing new for me,” Jack shrugged. 

“That doesn’t make it okay,” Jen replied

The three of them continued to drink their coffee, trying to ignore what was going on outside. Doug was trying to come up with a plan of how best to deal with the group of the sidewalk opposite, not willing to let Jack have to face them, particularly not while in his wheelchair where he already felt self-conscious. He was about to call one of his deputies, thinking it would be better for someone else to try and defuse the situation when all of a sudden the small crowd that had formed seemed to disperse - seemingly having had enough of standing around and causing a scene.

Jack looked over at Doug questioningly, wondering what was going on.

“I knew they would get bored eventually,” Doug shrugged.

“Sure,” Jack laughed, the mood instantly lightening. “You’re plan was just to wait them out?”

“It worked, didn’t it?” Doug said, trying to not show how surprised and relieved he was.

“Lucky hunch?” Jen questioned knowingly.

“They always get bored eventually,” Doug shrugged. “It’s just a matter of time.”

“Maybe they’ve gone to church to pray for your souls,” Jen joked.

“Whatever it is, I’m just glad they’re gone,” Jack said, just wanting to get home and have a nap.

“Maybe I should walk you both back?”

“We don’t need police protection,” Jack smiled, appreciating the gesture but not wanting to go down that road.

“Okay,” Doug nodded, understanding. “Call me later, okay?”

Jack nodded before leaning over and kissing Doug. He stood from his chair and repositioned himself in his wheelchair before smiling at Jen, looking exhausted. “Okay, Chauffeur, home time.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack had not been overly surprised when Doug returned home from work earlier than usual. He had spent the afternoon imagining all the ways Doug would be mentally torturing himself over what had happened in the coffee shop. Hoping that he was not dwelling on it too much. Jack knew from experience that the mental anguish after a confrontation was usually worse than the confrontation itself. Jack hated the thought of Doug going over and over it in his head, wondering what we could have said and done differently.

Jack knew that there was nothing either one of them could have done to have stopped the woman from saying whatever she wanted. Same as there was very little they could do to change people’s minds about things. They just had to go on living their lives and try not to let the views of a minority impact them – no matter how loud they made their voices. He had learnt over the years that rising to it only made it worse. That was not to say that he did not appreciate Doug trying. He loved that he had tried – loved that he had put himself out there without any apprehension. Everything about how Doug had been made Jack realise how serious he was about their relationship being public now. He just worried that if Doug tried to take on every fight it would not be long before he became completely disillusioned. 

They had had a quiet evening. A simple dinner followed by lying in front of the TV. Neither of them really talking, just enjoying each other’s company.

“How was your afternoon?” Jack finally asked.

“The usual,” Doug shrugged, wrapping his arms around Jack a little more tightly. 

Jack turned within Doug’s arms so he was facing him. “The usual?”

Doug simply nodded, kissing Jack before returning his attention to the TV.

“That’s it?” Jack asked.

“There’s not much to tell. It was a typical afternoon. Pretty dull.”

“Sure, nothing out of the ordinary happened today.” 

“Jack, if there’s something specific you want to talk about why don’t you just say so?”

“Because I’m not sure I want to talk about it,” Jack confessed. “I just wanted to be sure that you didn’t want to talk about.”

“I don’t think there’s anything to talk about,” Doug replied.

“That’s avoidance,” Jack shook his head. “That’s not the same as simply not wanting to talk about it.”

“How so?” 

“Not wanting to talk about it would suggest that you’ve given it some thought and you don’t need to talk about it to process it anymore. Avoidance is not wanting to think about it at all.”

“And that’s where you are? You have finished processing?” Doug asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe,” Jack shrugged. “Or maybe I just don’t want to give it anymore airtime.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded. “Well maybe I feel the same.”

Jack looked at Doug closely, trying to figure out if that was true. “I don’t believe you.”

Doug laughed, shaking his head, his hand running up and down Jack’s arm in slow strokes. “Well you should. I’m not avoiding anything. I just refuse to spend any longer in the prison I made for myself. She wasn’t anyone important. I don’t need her approval to live my life.”

Jack nodded, leaning forward and kissing Doug. “Okay. Consider it dropped.”

“Great,” Doug nodded.

“But I’d like to know more about your date with Cynthia,” Jack teased.

“It probably went as well as yours did with Jen,” Doug laughed.

“I doubt it. Dawson punched me in the face at that dance.”

“Why?” Doug said surprised.

“For kissing Joey,” Jack shrugged, remembering how everything seemed so complicated back then but now seemed laughable. 

“From what I gather you’re not the only one he’s punched for that reason.”

“Some law enforcement you are,” Jack laughed.

“You want me to arrest him now – nine years after the event?”

“Yes,” Jack smiled, rolling back over to face the TV. 

“Then you better add him to your list of ‘foes’.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

__

_Doug sat at Jack’s bedside. He felt scared to move. Scared that even the slightest movement or word spoken could set into motion a catastrophic series of events – a butterfly effect with unimaginable consequences. He barely wanted to breath, almost wishing to be in a state like Jack’s; physically present but mentally absent. He did not want to feel this – trying desperately to push it down. He did not want to believe anything but Jack being okay. He could not bring himself to consider the worst case scenario. The machines all around Jack, the tubes, the wires – everything screaming at Doug that things were far from good. The constant beeping of the machines not allowing him to switch off and drift away to memories of better times. His hand held onto Jack’s – eyes fixed on the other man’s face, longing for some kind of movement – some kind of sign that he knew he was there with him. Some evidence that he was coming back to him._

_For a split-second Doug thought he saw movement on Jack’s face. He could not quite put his finger on it. A twitch of the lips, a slight flicker of his eyelids – Doug could not be sure, but something seemed to change just for the briefest moment. He looked more closely, hoping to see it again, and when he did not see anything he decided he must have imagined it. He held onto Jack’s hand a little tighter, hoping he could feel it._

_“I’m not letting go,” he said softly, suddenly finding his voice. “I am here. I’m not going anywhere. No matter how long it takes.”_

_This time when there was movement, though so small most people would not have noticed it, Doug was sure. Like an electrical wave passing through him. “Jack?” he said softly, feeling a slight sift of muscle. “Jack?”_

_Suddenly the monitor above Jack’s bed started flashing red as an alarm started to sound. Doug stared up at it as the lines that had previously shown steady and consistent waves as they became erratic. Doug jumped up from his chair, ready to call from help, when a flood of people burst through the door. Bodies were suddenly surrounding Jack. Doug could not take it all in – mere seconds ago everything was fine._

_He felt his hand be yanked away from Jack’s, his fingers grazing over the tips of the other man’s as he desperately tried to cling onto something tangible as he felt himself freefalling. His mind racing, unable to keep up with the sudden and dramatic change in the room._

_“He’s crashing!” one of the doctors shouted over her shoulder. “We need a crash cart now!”_

_Doug stood, frozen, watching as a nurse came running in pushing a cart, the clear look of concern on her face._

_“Page Doctor Patel immediately!” the same doctor called out, suddenly noticing Doug. “And someone get him out of here!”_

_“No!” Doug protested. “Please.”_

_He felt hands on him, a force stronger than his own leading him to the doorway._

_“What’s happening?” he begged for information – pleading for someone just to tell him that everything was going to be okay. Instead the door closed, leaving him stood alone with his fears. He did not know what to do – simply stood staring at the door that stood between him and the man he loved, listening to the muffled sounds of voices, watching as additional medics speedily entered the room, not quite able to get a glimpse of Jack before the door closed again – only able to see the backs of doctors._

_He leant back against the wall opposite Jack’s door, refusing to leave but unsure how long he could remain standing – his legs shaking uncontrollably. He needed to be close by. He needed to know that he could get to Jack in seconds if he needed him. He hoped Jack knew that he was there. That he was not going to be moved. That he had not given up._

_Everything around him suddenly went quiet. He felt a wave of calm wash over him and for a second he felt at peace. The unmistakable feeling of Jack all around him, strengthening him, giving his legs the ability to once against hold him – as though he was telling him that everything was going to be fine. He closed his eyes, wanting to lose himself in the feeling. Believing deep in his core that everything was going to be okay. It had to be._

_When the door opened, he was torn from his thoughts – the imagine of Jack so clear in his mind suddenly disappearing. The doctor that stood before him was the same doctor that had spoken to them before – the one that knew Andie. It took Doug a few moments to realise that his face was more serious than it had been before. His eyes barely meeting Doug’s._

_“Can I go back in?” Doug asked, glancing over the doctor’s shoulder, suddenly aware than the beeping had not only slowed down but had completely stopped._

_“I’m sorry,” the doctor said softly. “We did everything we could.”_

_Doug looked at him questioningly; unable to comprehend what he was being told. “But he’s okay?”_

_The doctor shook his head softly. “I’m sorry. There was nothing more we could do.” ___

____

____

_“No,” Doug said, shaking his head, almost wanting to laugh at how absurd everything sounded. “No.”_

_“We tried but his heart just could not cope.”_

_“No,” Doug said. “He’s strong. He can fight this.”_

_He looked back into Jack’s room – now having a clearer view of the man he loved. Watching as tubes were being disconnected. Machines being switched off._

_“No!” Doug said angrily, moving unsteadily to the door. “What are you doing?”_

_He felt a hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. He’s gone.”_

_Unwilling to accept it, he ran to Jack’s side, reaching for his hand – colder than before. Cheeks impossibly pale. Chest no longer rising and falling with the help of machines._

_“Don’t stop!” Doug begged. “Please!”_

_“There’s nothing more we can do.”_

_“Please,” Doug begged, his head falling to Jack’s lifeless chest. “Don’t give up.” He once again ignored the feel of someone’s hand on his shoulder, refusing to be moved, refusing to walk away. Unable to believe what he was being told. “Please,” he sobbed. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to end. Please.”_

_“He’s gone,” someone said, their voice sounding more distant as he gasped for air._

_“No!” Doug cried out – his pain filling the whole room. “You have to keep trying.”_

_“Time of death – 10:39.”_

_Those words acting as the final blow, Doug felt his body crumble. This could not be happening. This was not happening. The words ‘we did everything we could,’ offering no comfort as he fell into despair. No longer able to breathe._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack was woken by Doug tossing and turning in bed next to him. He lay still, waiting for it to come to an end as it had each night before. Realising that it was not stopping, he opened his eyes, peering through the darkness at the other man, trying to figure out what was happening. He was startled by the sound of Doug suddenly crying out – no audible words but a cry thick with pain and distress, taking Jack by surprise.

He reached out and gently touched Doug’s arm, careful not to startle him. “Doug,” he said softly, feeling Doug’s arm wrench away from his touch – his skin hot and slick beneath his fingertips. “Doug,” he said again, this time a little louder, panic coursing through his body. “Wake up.”

Doug let out another cry – long and full of agony, suddenly shooting up in bed, struggling to breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest, his t-shirt wet with sweat, sticking to his skin, sending a chill through him. He sat gasping for air, his shaking hands running over his face, sweeping away tears and sweat. Still half asleep he could not place where he was. Lost in the depths of sorrow – unable to accept that the dream was over when the pain was so real. 

Jack sat frozen, unsure what to do, his hands reaching out towards Doug but scared to touch him. He could hear Doug’s heavy breaths, the sound of him crying. He quickly reached over to the side of the bed and flicked on the light, squinting against the sudden brightness.

As if the light turning on broke Doug of out his trance, he turned suddenly towards Jack, a look of shock on his face upon seeing him. “Jack,” he said breathlessly – frozen in place, eyes fixed on the other man as though he was trying to work out if he was real. “You’re here.” Jack did not get a chance to say a word before Doug grabbed for him, pulling his close – his hands moving to Jack’s face, gripping his cheeks tightly, his forehead pressing against him. “You’re alive.”

Jack ran his hands over Doug’s shoulders, feeling the heat coming off of him, pulling him close. “Of course I am,” he said simply. “I’m fine.”

“No, you weren’t fine,” Doug shook his head, pulling away, needing to see him.

“It was just a nightmare,” Jack reassured. 

“No,” Doug protested. “It was more than that.” His mind raced with images from his dream – doctors and nurses unable to hide their panic, the beeping of machines that sounded exactly as he had remembered, the complete lack of colour in Jack’s cheeks, the ice cold of his hand – machines being switched off, tubes removed, people giving up before Doug was ready to accept it. The final words, ‘time of death,’ like a knife in his heart. Just thinking about it made his breathing jerk.

“Doug, just breathe,” Jack said softly, taking hold of his cheeks, looking him in the eye. “Everything is okay. Just breathe.”

“No,” Doug shook his head, unable to do as Jack said – unable to control the panic surging through him. 

“Doug,” Jack said more firmly, moving onto his knees in front of him, hands gripping his shoulders tightly. “Doug, look at me,” Jack instructed. “Look at me.”

Finally raising his eyes to meet Jack’s Doug crumbled, tears falling freely down his cheeks. He began shaking his head, his lip quivering.

“Just look at me,” Jack said more softly. “I’m right here,” he whispered, a tear falling from his own eyes, hating seeing Doug in such a state. “I’m right here.”

Doug looked back at him, finally able to focus, taking in a deep breath – feeling the warmth of Jack’s arms wrapping around him, holding him close. “I thought you had died,” Doug exhaled, the words ringing though his head, needing to be released.

“It was just a dream,” Jack comforted. “It’s over now.”

“No,” Doug shook his head. “You don’t understand. It wasn’t a dream.”

“You were having a nightmare,” Jack said again, slightly confused at Doug’s protest. 

“No,” Doug said again. 

Jack grew more concerned, trying to figure out what was going on. “Tell me what’s going on – please.”

“In the hospital. That first morning.”

Jack looked at Doug a little confused, wondering if maybe he was still half asleep, having no knowledge of what had happened in the first few days – no one ever really going into detail. “I don’t understand.”

“I was with you. Talking to you. Telling you that everything was going to be fine,” Doug explained. “And the next thing I knew there was all this beeping. Doctors everywhere. I was made to leave.”

Jack held Doug’s body a little more tightly, feeling the fear and sorrow flowing from him.

“I honestly thought I’d lost you,” Doug sobbed, barely able to get his words out, his hands clinging to Jack’s shoulders. “I thought that was it. You were gone.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Jack said softly, trying to get his head around what Doug was saying.

“I just wanted to forget,” Doug said, his body still shaking in Jack’s arms. “It was the worst moment of my life.”

Jack tightened his hold, his hands combing through Doug’s hair, doing his best to sooth him. “It’s over now,” he said softly. “Look, I’m here. I’m okay.” Expecting that to bring some comfort, Jack was surprised when Doug began to cry a little harder, his body shaking within his arms. Doug’s forehead resting against his shoulder, he leant his head against the other man’s, kissing his damp hair. “Is this what the last few nights have been about? How long have you been having nightmares?”

“Since you got out of hospital,” Doug confessed.

“Why didn’t you say something?” Jack asked, feeling a little frustrated. “Who did you think you were helping by keeping this from me?”

“You’ve been through enough,” Doug said, trying to justify his silence.

Jack pulled back, holding Doug at arm’s length. “You’re kidding, right? What I’ve been through is no reason to keep this to yourself.”

“I just wanted to be strong for you,” Doug confessed, eyes grazing the bed.

“You have been,” Jack said clearly. “I could not have got through this without you.”

“You needed me.”

“I know,” Jack nodded. “I still need you. I will always need you. But that doesn’t mean you have to be strong all the time. I’d like think that need me too.”

“I do,” Doug said, as though there was nothing he needed more.

“So let me help you. Let me be there for you the way you’ve been there for me.”

“I just want to protect you.”

“Is that what today was all about?” Jack asked, thinking back to the altercation in the coffee shop. “You’re not responsible for everything that happens.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if anything bad ever happened to you again.”

Jack smiled slightly, shaking his head. “You can’t control that. I don’t need protecting. I don’t need you to look after me. I just need you to be there for me, to support me – exactly how you have been. But you need to let me do the same otherwise I’m going to start to feel pretty useless.”

“Jack, I don’t know what I would have done if things had been different,” Doug confessed. “It scares me how much I need you.”

Jack ran his hand softly over Doug’s cheek, wiping away tears. “I understand,” he said, his hand remaining on Doug’s cheek, leaning in and kissing him softly. “You think this doesn’t terrify me? I have never felt like this before. I don’t even want to imagine life without you.”

“There is no life without you.”

Jack closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against Doug’s, breathing him in. Trying to still the emotions within him, still slightly shocked by the magnitude of Doug’s feelings, overwhelmed by his confessions but trying to keep it together. It was clear Doug needed Jack to take the reins. “Look at me,” he said softly, opening his eyes – watching as Doug did the same. “I’m still here.”

“You are,” Doug nodded. 

“And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Neither am I.”

“I cheated death for you,” Jack smiled.

Doug laughed slightly. “Okay, you win.”

Jack laughed too, pleased to feel Doug relax a little. “I know it was scary. We’ve been through so much in such a short time, but in a way I’m glad.”

“You are?” Doug asked, as though he thought Jack was mad.

“Yes,” Jack nodded. “Because I think I know you better now. I understand you. I have no doubt that you love me, and I am certain I feel the same. I love that you’ve been so strong for the two of us, but you can stop now. Let me share the load.”

“I’ll try,” Doug said softly, wrapping his arms around Jack and pulling him closer, maneuvering him from the position he had been in, knowing it was no good for his leg. 

“Do you trust me?” Jack asked, a small gleam in his eye, knowing it was typically a question asked of him.

“Of course I do,” Doug replied without needing to think about it. “Completely.”

“Good,” Jack nodded, a smile growing. “So no more secrets?”

“No more secrets,” Doug agreed.

“Good,” Jack said, kissing Doug. “We’re in this together.”

Doug nodded, feeling his body guided down until his head was back on the pillow, feeling Jack’s arms wrapped around him protectively. He felt Jack pull the covers back over them, wrapped once again in the warmth. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Jack said quietly, kissing the top of Doug’s head. “So you better get used to that.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug woke up feeling as though some of the weight on his shoulders had been lifted. His body felt a little lighter. His mind a little less loud. He knew that everything inside of him was not fixed. He knew that the trauma of the last month would take a long time to recover from, but knowing that he had Jack; that he understood and that he wanted to share in his problems, suddenly made things feel manageable.

He knew that he needed to let go of the fear of losing Jack. He had him. Night after night lying next him. He was not going anywhere. Whatever was coming was out of their hands. He just needed to focus on what he had in front of him – a love that he had never dared to dream of. A man that was stronger than he ever could have imagined. A man that loved him more than he ever felt possible.

He had spent the night lying in Jack’s arms, feeling his strength and security filling the emptiness within him. He had been only momentarily worried about what Jack would think of him following his breakdown. Worried that he would think less or him. Somehow see him differently. But he only needed to look into Jack’s eyes to see that was not the case. If anything he saw a look that could only be described as relief that finally able to be there for Doug in the way he had consistently been there for him. Their relationship had been tested in so many ways and each time they had come out the other side a little stronger.

By the time Doug had woken he felt as though a page had been turned. A new chapter had begun. He did not know what the future had in store for him, but he was certain it would always include Jack.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack almost wished that he had not agreed to dinner at the Icehouse. All he really wanted to do was stay home, curl up on the couch with Doug – spend some quality time with the man he loved. The night before had caught him completely off guard. Of course he knew that everything that had happened had impacted Doug greatly, but he had not realised how much he was holding onto. How much he had been suffering without saying a word. It made his stomach tie in knots seeing him like that but as the night went on, Doug wrapped in his arms, neither of them able to get back to sleep for a long time, he became more relieved that it had happened – knowing that it took something like that to get Doug to open up. He loved Doug’s strength and dependability. It made his feel safe and secure. But it was the moments when he finally let go, properly let him in, that his love for the other man swelled impossibly, leaving him certain beyond doubt that Doug was exactly who he was meant to be with.

The man from his sketchy memories – constantly hiding, living a double life, now seemed unrecognisable to him. Through all of his flaws and masks Jack had still fallen for him – unable to imagine loving anyone more. That was until he met the real Doug. The one that had been hovering just below the surface, waiting to be found. Holding Doug in his arms the night before Jack could not help but smile, wondering how many times he was going to fall in love with the same man. Realising that each version of the man that he discovered as time went on seemed a step closer to perfection each time. He hoped that Doug felt the same about him – hoping that they would continue to grow together for years to come.

Doug pushed Jack’s wheelchair along the waterfront leading to the Icehouse. He was looking forward to catching up with everyone in a more joyous setting but part of him wished to be having dinner with just Jack – suddenly realising all the things they had never done. Laughing to himself as he realised that they were currently living together but had never been out to dinner together.

“What are you laughing at?” Jack asked, turning round slightly in his chair so he could see Doug’s face.

“I was just thinking that I owe you a few dinners out.”

“You won’t hear me complaining,” Jack replied, realising what Doug must have been thinking about. “Going to see a movie is also a traditional date activity.”

“Consider it added to the list,” Doug nodded. “Anything else?”

“We could go on a ‘hike’,” Jack teased. “I could drive you somewhere remote and then leave you there. See how long it takes for you to make it back to Capeside.”

“Very funny,” Doug rolled his eyes. “But that would involve you driving.”

“Good point,” Jack replied, not ready to think about that yet. “Maybe I should get a motorbike.”

“Over my dead body,” Doug said sternly.

“Nice choice of words,” Jack laughed, reaching back and gently patting Doug’s arm. 

“Right,” Doug said, stopping short of the entrance to the Icehouse. “This is as far as this little joyride is going.”

“What?” Jack laughed, looking up at Doug as he moved around in front of him, offering his hand.

“You’re going to walk in and I will be by your side.”

Jack smiled, taking Doug’s hand and standing from the chair. He watched as Doug quickly wheeled the chair up the slope and parked it out the front before returning to Jack’s side, taking his hand. His let his thumb rub over Jack’s hand as the fingers intertwined. 

“Ready?”

Jack simply nodded, slowly making his way up the path, spotting his friends all sat at a table. “Are we late?”

“Your incredibly poor sense of time is alarming, you know that?” Doug laughed, having told Jack on numerous occasions while he was getting ready that they were going to be late if he did not hurry up.

“How late are we?” Jack asked.

“Late enough for them to be wondering what we’ve been up to,” Doug remarked, waving through the window as they were spotted.

“Well,” Jack shrugged, grinning at the memory of what had really slowed him down. “They wouldn’t be wrong.” 

“They don’t need to know that,” Doug said sternly, opening the door for Jack and following him inside.

“It’s about time!” Pacey said, waving them over. “I’m assuming by the look of the two of you that it was Jack that took the longest getting ready tonight.”

“Very funny,” Doug rolled his eyes.

“I think so,” Jack smirked, giving Pacey a hug.

“Come, sit – everyone is starving.”

“Sorry,” Jack apologised, slowly making his way around the table, kissing both Jen and Andie on the cheek before sitting down, smiling over at Doug as he sat down opposite. 

“Thank you for coming,” he said softly, leaning over towards Andie. “I know you’re busy.”

“Never too busy for you,” she said warmly, resting her head on his shoulder. “It’s so good to see you looking so well.”

“I feel good,” Jack confirmed.

Pacey stood at the head of the table, clearly wanting to make an announcement. “Now that everyone is finally here, I just wanted to say how lovely it is to have everyone together before Jen heads back to the Big Apple. It is particularly nice to see you all outside of the hospital, where let’s face it, the harsh lighting did none of us any favours.”

“Speak for yourself,” Jen laughed. 

“It took a bit of convincing to get Jack here tonight and in the end I had to agree to enforcing the following conditions,” Pacey announced, nodding in Jack’s direction. “In return for a free meal, you must agree to the following – there will be no mention of car crashes, almost dying, anything hospital related,” he reeled off. “The list was pretty extensive, but I think you all get the idea.”

“Agreed,” Andie said first, everyone else joining in.

“Excellent,” Pacey said, clapping his hands together and sitting down. “Let’s have a fun and carefree evening.”

There was a moment of silence as everyone looked around the table at each other.

Jack scowled slightly. “Come on, please tell me that you haven’t forgotten how to talk about other things.”

“To be honest, there’s not been much else going on over the last few weeks,” Jen shrugged. “Unless you all want to hear about how Amy is doing?”

“For the love of God, someone please think of a topic,” Pacey teased, reaching over and giving Jen’s arm a squeeze as she kicked him under the table.

There was another moment of silence before Andie suddenly made a high pitched squeaking noise. “I know,” she said excitedly, giving Pacey a look to tell him that he was definitely going to approve of her suggestion. “I don’t believe we ever got around to planning the wedding.”

“McPhee,” Pacey grinned, “You are so right.”

Jack looked around the table slightly confused, wondering what he had missed, or maybe had forgotten, having no clue what they were talking about.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Doug groaned, shaking his head, having already spotted the puzzled look on Jack’s face. 

“You’re absolutely right,” Jen laughed. “The engagement was such a whirlwind that we never really got over the shock of it to start the actual planning.”

Jack carried on glancing around the table still trying to work out what was going on. 

“Maybe we should turn this into an engagement party,” Pacey joked

“Seriously,” Doug groaned. “That’s enough now.”

“What’s going?” Jack asked, growing more confused. “Who got engaged?”

There was a moment of silence around the table, interrupted by a ripple of laughter. 

“Who?” Jack asked again, looking over at Doug, noticing that even he was smiling now.

“Technically speaking,” Doug said rolling his eyes slights, feeling everyone’s eyes on him waiting for him to say it. “We did.”

“What?” Jack asked, looking around the table at everyone laughing, feeling slightly flustered. “We? You and me?”

“I’m sorry. This is my doing.” Andie said, throwing her arm around his shoulder. “I had to lie to get them at the hospital so they’d let Doug into see you.”

Jack sighed slightly relieved. “You had me worried for a minute.”

“Hey, don’t look so relieved,” Doug protested.

“Looks like the wedding is off,” Pacey groaned. 

“I came here tonight for food – not a fiancé,” Jack said, a telltale smile growing on his face. “So if you’re finished having fun at my expense, I’m ready to eat.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Having been dreading the meal – not really wanting to venture back out in public, particularly in the evening when he knew he would be tired, Jack was surprised to find that he was having fun. It was like old times with his friends, not even sure the last time Andie had been able to join them. Having never been out like this with Doug in tow. He took a moment to look around the table, taking in the sight of those he held dear, a wave of gratitude washing over him.

He dipped his head slightly, not wanting anyone to see the affect his feeling were having on him. He took a couple of deep breaths, trying to steady his emotions, suddenly feeling someone nudge his foot under the table. He looked up, eyes meeting Doug’s opposite him – a questioning look on his face. Smiling softly, Jack gave the other man a small nod, letting him know that he was okay before nudging his foot under the table in the same way Doug had moments before. He wanted to reach out and take Doug’s hand. He wanted to stand up, walk around the table, take his hand and lead him home. The person he felt grateful for over any other.

He glanced up and down the table, everyone enjoying their meals, laughing and joking. He was so glad to be able to be a part of it. He looked back at Doug, raising his eyebrows, a grin growing on his face. Doug looked back at him questioningly, wondering what Jack was thinking – knowing better than to ask out loud in front of everyone. He had a playful look in his eye – one that never failed to fill him with a combination of excitement and nerves. A moment later he felt Jack’s foot against his leg, running up and down his calf. Doug raised his eyebrows at the other man who was still smiling at him across the table. Doug shook his head, returning Jack’s smile, deciding to take a page out of Jack’s book. He was not going to be beaten this time.

Doug shifted in his chair, discreetly slipping his foot out of his shoe and reaching out for Jack’s leg. The moment he made contact he saw Jack’s eyes widen, surprised that it was so easy to get Doug to play along. Doug allowed his foot to continue moving up and down Jack’s lower leg, noticing how Jack’s movements had completely stopped, his leg back on his side of the table. Doug returned his attention back to the rest of the table, trying to catch up with the conversation flowing freely, the whole time maintaining his movement, inching higher up Jack’s leg.

“Pacey?” Jen said, a puzzled smile on her face. “Is that a rainbow flag hanging over the bar?” 

Pacey glanced over his shoulder towards the bar, looking at the flag hung next to the poster of ‘The Creek’ that he had hung the year before. “Yes, Jen – yes, it is.”

Doug followed Pacey’s eyeline, spotting the flag for the first time. “Is there something you want to confess, little brother?” he asked, noticing that Jack was the only one not looking where everyone else was – his eyes grazing the table. Doug took the perfect opportunity to move his foot higher still, rubbing against Jack’s inner thigh. “Maybe all these years of teasing has been more about you than me.”

“Oh no, it’s definitely been about you,” Pacey grinned. “And now that I’ve been proven right I will not be holding back on any future hunches.”

Doug continued with his physical endeavor, trying to hide his smile as he felt Jack pull his chair in closer to the table, providing him with even better access. 

“It is my way of showing support of the ever increasing gay community in Capeside,” Pacey continued. “The Icehouse is official LGBTQ friendly. Please spread the word amongst your tribe.”

“My tribe?” Doug questioned, not really having the energy or desire to chastise Pacey any further, focusing more on the colour rising in Jack’s cheeks, considering this as payback from how Jack tortured him nights before. He watched as Jack’s eyes closed slightly, shifting in his chair, recognising the look on his face. He continued his hidden manipulation. 

“All I’m asking is that if there’s ever a Capeside pride parade that you remember that I supported you from the beginning.”

“With all the teasing?” Doug questioned, trying to keep his eyes off of Jack, realising that the look he was trying to suppress was having the same effect on him as it did at other times.

“Okay,” Pacey laughed. “Maybe not you. But I definitely supported Jack from the very beginning – isn’t that right, Jackers?”

Hearing his name, Jack snapped out of his trace, suddenly incredibly aware of where he was and who he was with. He pulled his chair back from the table just enough for Doug’s foot to lose the power it had over him, leaning forward slightly against the table as he cleared his throat. “Yes,” he nodded. “Yes, that is true. If you consider spitting in someone’s face a show of support?”

“What greater show of support is there?” Pacey laughed. 

Doug could not help but grin as he watched Jack, still looking flushed, quickly picking up his glass and taking a drink followed by a couple of deep breaths.

“Are you okay?” Andie asked, lightly touching his arm.

Doug almost laughed as Jack nearly jumped out of his skin; trying to hide it as a cough but receiving a suspicious look from his brother.

“I’m fine,” Jack said quickly. “Just a little tired.”

“Maybe we should call it a night soon?” Jen asked.

“Not before dessert,” Pacey dismissed. “This is a celebration after all.”

“I’m fine,” Jack repeated adamantly, feeling Jen and Andie’s eye on him.

“See, there’s no need to cut this evening short. You can always rely on Jack wanting dessert.”

“Always,” Doug laughed, receiving a glare from the man opposite him.

Jack took a couple more deep breaths, managing to regain control of his body, feeling his blood begin to circulate normally again. He shifted slightly before pushing his chair back and standing up. “I’ll be right back,” he said, before stepping away from the table, eyes on Doug, wondering if he was the only once to notice Doug sliding his shoe back on.

Walking in the direction of the bathroom Jack stumbled slightly, his braced leg not quite holding his weight as he took a step, causing him to swear. 

“Are you okay?” Pacey said, standing up from the table. 

“I’m fine,” Jack said quickly. “I’ve just been sat down too long.”

“Are you sure?” Andie asked.

“I’m fine,” he said again, a little more sternly, making it clear that he did not want any fuss, but when he took another step the same thing happened. “Fuck,” he said under his breath.

Doug quickly stood from the table, a small amount of guilt coursing through his veins seeing Jack struggle. “Here, let me help,” he said, moving past Pacey towards Jack, looping an arm around his back, relieved when Jack succumbed to his help without complaining. “We’ll just be a minute,” he said, glancing back to the table, a smile assuring them that everything was fine. 

“I’m fine,” Jack mumbled as Doug began to lead him towards the bathroom, leaning into the other man for support. As the turned the corner out of his friends’ eyeline he straightened, his hand moving to Doug’s hand resting on his waist, suddenly able to walk perfectly fine.

Doug looked at him confused, watching the smile grow on Jack’s face and he opened the door to the disabled bathroom, pulling Doug swiftly inside, closing the door and locking it with a stealthy grace. 

“I told you I was fine,” Jack grinned, seeing the look on Doug’s face, leaning forward and kissing him with all the passion that Doug had sparked within him.

“That was all just a show to lure me in here?” Doug laughed.

“Don’t start something that you can’t finish, Sheriff,” Jack said playfully, pushing him back against the wall, pressing his body flat against him. His hands quickly went to Doug’s body, pushing up against him firmly before his hands moved to the button of Doug pants.

“What? In here?” Doug asked, eyes wide, his voice hushed.

“You didn’t seem to have a problem with starting something out there.”

“They’re going to wonder where we are,” Doug protested, feeling the button of his pants pop open, the zip already being lowered.

“They know what we’re doing,” Jack smiled, mouth pressed against Doug’s ear. “You’re helping out your boyfriend who is very much in need.”

“You’re crazy,” Doug laughed.

“You wouldn’t want it any other way.”

Doug looked at Jack, feeling his hand dip inside his pants, the other hand continuing to lower all unnecessary clothing. “If we get caught…”

“We won’t,” Jack grinned. “As long as we’re quick.”

Jack leaned forward, his mouth finding Doug’s, tongue immediately gaining entry, pushing him back against the wall more firmly. Doug moaned as he felt Jack’s hand wrap around him and he knew instantly that there was no point trying to fight it. His hands quickly moved to Jack’s pants, unfastening them as quickly as he could, knowing that there was no time for their usual easing into things, he quickly pushed the restrictive fabric down Jack’s thighs.

“Good choice,” Jack grinned, taking hold of Doug’s hips and turning him to be facing the wall, pulling his body backwards a little in order to get the angle he wanted. He ran his hand over his own length a couple of times, already slick from Doug’s teasing, pressing his hand against Doug’s ass, finding the right spot and quickly inserting two fingers. Doug groaned through gritted teeth, palms flat against the wall before deciding to use one to stroke himself, finding a rhythm that matched Jack’s fingers working inside of him.

Hoping he had done enough to prepare Doug for what was to come, Jack removed his fingers, quickly repositioning himself, attempting to put the majority of his weight on his good leg before pushing forward, entering Doug as smoothly as he could, holding onto his hips, listening out for any sounds of discomfort.

“Do it,” he heard Doug growl, his hand still pleasuring himself. 

That was all Jack needed in order to start his thrusts – small at first but growing in speed and depth as he began to feel Doug relax around him – no memory ever having done it like this before, but certain that they had. He moaned, biting his bottom lip, trying to keep noise to a minimum as he continued to thrust over and over, the sound of Doug also trying to suppress sounds of pleasure echoing around him.

Doug’s forehead fell against the wall, enjoying the feel of Jack taking control of his body so completely, unable to think of anything else except the feel of his own hand and Jack’s body colliding with his as he pushed back the best he could. If he had not been so stunned by the trick Jack played in order to lure him into the bathroom he probably would have been able to put up a better argument – been able to vocalise why this was such a bad idea. Except it was now impossible to even remotely consider this a bad idea – taken aback by the wave of desire coursing through him – heat growing from the inside out, only for a fleeting second able to wonder how Jack was able to do this to him so expertly, before his mind was once again lost in the high.

Shifting ever so slightly, ignoring the dull ache of his leg, Jack continued to thrust harder and faster. Doug may have thought he had the upper hand before, but there was no way Jack was going to let him believe that he had got away with it. The whole time Doug had been teasing him, manipulating him so skillfully, Jack had been imagining this – knowing he just needed to lure Doug away from the table so he could act out his fantasy. He moved one of his hands from Doug’s hips, reaching round, careful not to disrupt the rhythm of Doug’s hand, he reached a little lower, hand cupping Doug’s balls, smiling as Doug moaned more loudly that he wanted to. Knowing exactly was he was doing, his hand continued to work over him while maintaining the pace of his thrusts.

Unable to hold on any longer; Doug’s last moan pushing him to the brink, he trust hard two more times, letting out a low groan as he came inside Doug, trying to catch his breath and a tiny shred of composure before Doug joined him, gently pulling Doug’s hips backwards slightly at the point of his climax, attempting to keep any incriminating evidence from landing on Doug’s clothing.

Doug tried to regain control of his breathing as he looked down at the mess they had made, incredibly grateful for Jack’s quick thinking at the end. 

Jack leant his forehead against Doug’s shoulder, smiling, hoping no one would notice the sweat they had worked up. “We have about one minute before someone comes looking for us,” Jack laughed, pulling out and stepping back. 

“You better help clean up this mess then,” Doug replied as he straightened his clothing, unable to hide the smile of disbelief growing on his face.

***

Jack made sure to put on a limp as they made their way back to the table, pinching Doug’s side, noticing the slight smirk that was plastered on his face, worried that he was about to give them away.

“Are you okay?” Andie asked as he sat back down at the table, his eyes still on Doug as he watched him return to his seat.

“Everything’s fine,” Jack nodded, trying to be casual. “I just had cramp. Must have been sat too long.”

“That doesn’t usually happen,” Jen said suspiciously. 

“Sorry, I forgot you were my doctor,” Jack replied, nudging her with his elbow in jest.

“We almost came looking for you,” she said, looking at him and raising her eyebrows. 

“I didn’t think that was such a good idea,” Pacey added, a smirk on his face that almost matched the one Doug had been wearing on his way back to the table.

Jack sat back in his chair, not in the least bit bothered by the insinuations being made, reaching out for his drink and taking a sip, looking over at Doug, suddenly unable to keep the smile from his face. 

“So,” Doug coughed, clearing his throat, wanting to change the subject. “What happened to dessert?”

Pacey looked back at his brother, unable to contain his laugh. “I think you’ve already had it.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack climbed into bed, watching as Doug moved around the room tidying things away. He stretched out his leg, leaning back against the pillows. “Well, I think tonight was pretty successful.”

“I bet you do,” Doug said, unable to hide his smile.

Jack pulled the covers up to his waist, lifting his cast wrist, inspecting it. “I have my appointment next week. Hopefully I can get this cast removed.”

“That would be great,” Doug commented, wondering if Jack had realised that meant another trip in the car.

“Are you able to come?” Jack asked, feeling he should at least ask rather than just assuming.

“Of course,” Doug nodded, finally climbing into bed next to him. 

“Because I can ask Pacey.”

“No,” Doug shook his head. “I’ll be there.”

“I have a physio appointment at the same time.”

“I’ll take the afternoon off.”

“Only if you’re sure.”

Doug turned towards the other man. “Of course I’m sure.”

Jack smiled softly, not quite looking at Doug. “You know, they may say that I’m ready to go home.”

“Do you think you can manage the stairs?” Doug asked, trying to keep all emotion from his voice, not wanting Jack to think he was disappointed by his recovery even though he knew he would miss having him in his apartment.

“I think so,” Jack nodded, laughing slightly. “I mean, after tonight – I’m pretty sure I could manage.” 

“I guess so,” Doug agreed.

“I know we haven’t really talked about me going home.”

“No, I guess we haven’t.”

There was a moment of silence between them. Doug remembering all the nights that he had gone to bed alone while Jack was in the hospital, not wanting to go back to that.

“I was thinking,” Jack said cautiously. “That maybe you could come with me?”

Doug looked at him surprised, having not expected that. “Stay at yours?”

Jack suddenly shook his head, wondering if maybe he was asking too much – wondering if maybe he had read the situation wrong and that Doug was looking forward to having his personal space back. “You don’t have to. I just thought…”

“I want to,” Doug said quickly, realising his surprise was coming across as apprehension.

“Really? Because I understand if you don’t.”

“I want to,” Doug repeated. “Here or your place – I don’t care as long as I’m with you.”

“Are you sure?”

“It doesn’t have to be forever,” Doug said, not wanting Jack to think that he was moving too fast.

Jack nodded, understanding what Doug was saying; equally not wanting them to get too ahead of themselves. “But it could be.”

Doug was slightly taken aback, wondering if he had imagined the words coming from Jack’s mouth. Looking back at Jack’s eyes still fixed on him, seemingly waiting for a response – any response – just something to make the time that had frozen around them begin again. Doug smiled softly, leaning over and kissing Jack, nodding. “It could be.”

**To be continued…**


	16. The Journey’s End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Here it is – the final chapter. This chapter jumps forward one year. Like the other chapters it consists of present day and flashbacks _(in italics as usual)._ **
> 
> **Please be warned that this chapter is LONG (really long!). I highly recommending grabbing a blanket, a cup of tea and getting comfortable. You may need to take comfort breaks! The flashbacks aren’t necessarily in chronological order but it doesn’t really matter. They are all pretty self-explanatory.**
> 
> **This has been a real labour of love and has grown into something I never imagined it being. I would like to thank everyone that has been reading, especially those who have left comments and/or kudos. It’s always really appreciated.**
> 
> **A huge thank you to Angel2912, Neptune and Karen123 – each of your comments have made me smile, made me reflect, and have kept me going. You’ve made me push boundaries and look at things from different angles. Ultimately you have made this story what it is. Thank you.**  
> 
> 
> ***************************

Jack smiled against Doug’s lips, feeling the warm water of the shower hitting his back as Doug’s hands ran over his body. Doug’s hijacking of his showers had become a regular occurrence that never failed to make him smile, but this morning he had been certain that Doug was still asleep when he quietly crept out of bed, doing his best not to disturb him. Usually they left for work around the same time, but this morning Jack had a meeting before school and decided to take the opportunity to center his thoughts ahead of what he knew would be a long and difficult day. He had been surprised when Doug appeared in the bathroom, disrupting his attempts at calming his mind and taking his thoughts elsewhere.

“Am I ever going to shower alone again?” Jack asked, wrapping an arm around Doug’s waist, holding him close.

“Not if I have anything to do with it. It’s good for the environment – saves water,” Doug replied, mouth pressed against Jack’s shoulder, moving up his neck.

“Sure,” Jack laughed. “Except if I were showering alone I would have been finished by now.”

“We’ll do a better job of recycling to make up for it,” Doug teased, his mouth once again finding Jack’s as has hands began to trace his body a little more purposefully. 

“The planet thanks you,” Jack joked between kisses, allowing himself to succumb for a moment, wondering what he could remove from his morning routine to make up for his longer than planned shower. 

Doug ran his fingers through Jack’s hair feeling the soap suds that Jack had not quite finished rinsing out before he was interrupted, enjoying the feel of Jack kissing him back, seemingly having given up his protest. He had been slightly worried when he felt Jack quietly slip out of bed; knowing that even though Jack had done everything in his power to avoid talking about today for weeks, it was still playing on his mind.

Jack pulled back, moving his mouth from Doug’s, resting his forehead against the other man’s, trying to take in a moment of still.

“Are you okay?” Doug asked softly, the water cascading over Jack’s shoulders onto him. 

“I’m fine.”

“Why did you sneak out of bed?”

“Sneak?” Jack laughed. “Is that your professional analysis of what happened? Here I thought I was being kind and not waking you earlier than necessary.”

“Why are you up so early?”

“I have a meeting before school,” Jack replied, kissing Doug softly, wondering if he had forgotten to mention it with everything else on his mind, knowing deep down that he did not say anything because the déjà vu was just a little too much for him to stomach.

“That’s the only reason?”

“Yes,” Jack smiled, wrapping his arms around Doug a little more tightly. “And you’re about to make me late.” 

Doug immediately pulled back, Jack’s arms the only thing that prevented him from completely stepping away. His stomach churned slightly as Jack’s words rang through him, bringing with them memories he was not willing to give space to. He shook his head, unable to stop himself from wondering how different things would have been if the last time they had been in this position he had listened. Knowing that he would always feel guilt for the decisions he made that morning.

“Sure,” he said softly, nodding.

Seeing the look on Doug’s face, Jack could have kicked himself, wondering how he could have sounded so insensitive. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay,” Doug said, forcing a smile, kissing Jack softly. “Please don’t apologise.”

“I guess I could just skip breakfast?” Jack said, raising his eyebrows, trying to lighten the mood. “That should free up a few extra minutes.”

Doug laughed slightly, having always loved the playful look Jack gave him. “How about you finish getting ready and I’ll start making breakfast?”

“Are you sure?” Jack asked, feeling Doug pull away.

“Completely,” Doug nodded, feeling Jack’s arms fall away before stepping out of the shower and grabbing a towel. “I’ll see you downstairs.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Doug moved around the kitchen effortlessly, quickly putting some coffee on to brew before opening the refrigerator looking for something he could throw together for Jack’s breakfast. He tried to shake the uneasy feeling pulsing through him; trying to ignore the morning’s similarity with the beginning of the worst day of this life; instead trying to focus on the differences – smiling at the thought that Jack’s kitchen was definitely better stocked now, catching himself on his mental terminology, knowing it was no longer just Jack’s kitchen. It had not been just Jack’s for some time.

He tried to take a few deep breaths, remembering that it was unlikely that lightning would strike twice. That the chances of anything bad happening again to Jack was low, but that did not ease the anxiety within – a feeling that had never really gone away, only growing stronger as the anniversary of the accident approached, made worse by Jack’s unwillingness to discuss it. Doug knew that Jack was choosing to bury his head in the sand. He knew that he was taking the view that if he did not give it too much thought then it would not be a big deal. That he could just ignore it. But Doug also knew that not thinking about it was easier said than done. He knew that each time Jack’s mind drifted, each time he became distant, that he was thinking about it – the instances of him catching Jack lost in thought becoming more frequent over the last few weeks.

Doug’s preference was to take the opposite approach. He wanted to talk about it. He wanted to know exactly what was keeping Jack awake at night – lying next to him, both pretending to be asleep and not plagued by the same fears. He wanted to reassure Jack. He wanted Jack to reassure him. He wanted to talk about all the things that seemed both irrational and yet completely real – wanting to talk them through until the fear subsided and the rational part of his brain was once again able to take control. He wanted to know that everything racing though his mind was also racing through Jack’s – hoping they could deal with it together. 

Mostly he wanted to make a confession in the hope Jack would accept his atonement – unable to shake the guilt he felt for the role he played in the accident. Having spent a year wondering if things would have turned out differently if he had made different choices that morning. If he had allowed Jack to shower alone, if he had listened when Jack said he was going to be late, if he had not tried to pick a fight simply to get a reaction from the other man. Maybe if he had chosen differently that morning neither man would know how it felt to go to deepest depths hell and back. Feeling even more guilty when wondering if the life he loved now would have never been possible without the accident – ashamed of himself for rationalising Jack’s struggle for his own gain.

Doug continued to make breakfast, hearing Jack’s footsteps coming down the stairs, able to tell that he was in a hurry. “Breakfast is nearly ready,” he called, listening as Jack routed around for his shoes in the hallway.

“I’m not hungry,” Jack replied, shoes in his hand, scanning the room for his work bag.

“Over there,” Doug pointed to the corner of the room, realising what Jack was looking for before returning his attention to the toast he was making. “I’ve made it now so you may as well eat something.”

Sitting down on the couch to put on his shoes, Jack looked up at Doug and smiled. “You eat it.”

“You need something,” Doug sighed, turning around to face Jack, leaning back against the counter, noticing that the smile on the other man’s face looked forced – taking him back to all the times he had seen that very look while Jack had been in hospital.

Jack saw the look on Doug’s face. The same concern that had been showing itself more frequently in recent weeks, initiating the wave of guilt within – wishing he could do something to erase the residual anxiety and stress that he had hoped would have eased off by now. “Okay,” he nodded, standing from the couch and making his way over to Doug, wrapping his arms around his middle. “Thank you.”

“It’s just toast,” Doug shrugged.

“It’s more than toast and you know it,” Jack replied, leaning forward and kissing him.

“Same as I know that it’s more than you just not being hungry,” Doug replied, raising his eyebrows.

“Really?” Jack smiled. “I’m not allowed to just not have much of an appetite?”

“Normal people, yes. You – no,” Doug smiled back.

“Normal people?”

“I stand by my comment,” Doug replied, questioning his next words. “Especially today.”

“Today,” Jack sighed. “Today is just another day.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

“It’s no different from yesterday and won’t be any different from tomorrow.”

“Then why have you been so on edge?” Doug asked, surprised that the words actually came out.

“I haven’t,” Jack said weakly, realising that he had been doing a bad job of hiding his anxiety. He shook he head, knowing that there was no point trying to convince Doug otherwise. “Could we not do this right now?”

Doug tightened his arms around Jack’s body, preventing him from pulling away. “Jack,” he said softly. “It’s okay if the thought of today makes you feel uneasy.”

“No, it’s not okay,” Jack said stubbornly. “I refuse to give today any kind of power over me.”

“So you’re just going to pretend that it doesn’t mean anything?”

“It doesn’t mean anything,” Jack said adamantly. “It’s just another day.” 

“A day that happens to be the first anniversary of your accident,” Doug said, deciding to push a little more, watching the discomfort grow on Jack’s face, still hopeful that maybe he would open up. 

Jack looked at him, knowing that Doug had been trying to talk to him about this for days. He wanted to talk about it too but was worried that if he gave it any room in his brain then it would take over. He just wanted to push it aside and make it through the day – proving to himself that there was nothing to worry about. He knew his avoidance was looking for more like denial, but it was the only form of self-preservation he knew. “I’m sorry. I know you want to talk about this. I’m just…” he took a deep breath, trying to find the words to explain. “I just can’t.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded, the disappointment visible on his face. “I just thought maybe you were dreading today as much as I have been.”

Jack hung his head a little, unable to look Doug in the eye. “I’m going to be late.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded again, arms loosening around Jack, allowing him to back away.

“Later, okay?” Jack said, trying to make things a little better. 

“Sure,” Doug nodded.

“I promise,” Jack said, moving to the couch and picking up his bag. “I’ll call you when I get a break?”

“Sounds good,” Doug nodded, watching as Jack looked around for his keys, eventually finding them on the counter.

“I love you,” Jack said, glancing back over to Doug – always mindful now of his last words before leaving. 

“I love you too,” Doug nodded, watching as Jack disappeared from the room, listening to his fading footsteps and the door opening. He turned back to the counter, noticing Jack’s breakfast. “Jack, you forgot your toast!” he called a moment too late, hearing the door close. He shook his head, picking up the toast and biting into it himself. “And so it begins,” he groaned.

He looked down at his watch, realising that he did not have long left to get ready for work himself, taking the toast with him as he headed back upstairs to get dressed. Even after many months he could not help but smile when opening the closet, seeing his clothes hanging alongside Jack’s. He still loved seeing his things in the bathroom and knowing that he would always be climbing into bed next to Jack at night.

It had not taken long for Jack’s house to feel like home to him – having always felt comfortable there. The addition of his belongings and the way Jack had been incredibly laid back about letting him change anything he wanted had made it even easier for him to adjust. He had always thought he would find it difficult to live with someone else, having become accustomed to having things a certain way. He never imagined living anywhere other than his apartment; always having liked having his own space, but living with Jack was easy.

Doug pulled his uniform from the closet and tossed it on the bed before heading into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He stood in front of the mirror, unable to look himself in the eye – worried that if he did it would unlock the thoughts whirling around his head and give life to concerns he did not want to think about, suddenly realising exactly what Jack had meant before. He tried to shake the feeling causing his stomach to churn and push the thoughts away, unable to think of anything other than Jack’s drive to work. Trying to remember how long the journey would take, trying to work out where he would be by now, praying that he got there safely.

The thoughts still filled his head as he got dressed, taking a deep breath while buttoning up his shirt, knowing that even his sheriff persona would not be enough to stop him from worrying. He picked up his cell phone from next to the bed, checking for messages, disappointed to see a blank screen. He was tempted to call Jack but did not want to seem as though he was checking up on him and increase Jack’s own anxiety. Worse than that he did not want to be the cause of any distraction if Jack was still driving.

Heading back into the bathroom to use the mirror one last time, Doug was shaken from his thoughts by the phone ringing downstairs. He noted his own confused look in his reflection, wondering who was calling the house phone. A wave of panic suddenly crashed down on him, he quickly moved from the bathroom and dashed down the stairs, only just making it into the living room when the ringing ended, hearing the answering machine click on, instructing the caller to leave a message after the tone.

“It’s just me.”

Doug smiled hearing Jack’s voice, wondering if he should answer or let Jack continue to leave a message. He stood in the doorway; eyes fixed on the phone on the counter.

“I didn’t want to call your cell in case you’re driving. But on the off chance you’re still at home and are still worrying that today is anything more than just a normal day, I just wanted to let you know that I have made it to work in once piece. Everything is fine.”

Doug smiled, knowing that Jack knew full well that he would still be home and going over everything in his head.

“Anyway, I’ll see you tonight. Don’t forget we’re going for dinner with Pacey.”

Doug groaned slightly, remembering – rolling his eyes.

“Don’t roll your eyes,” Jack’s voice continued, making Doug laugh. “Well, if you are still at home listening to me ramble on, you should probably get a move on – you’re going to be late.”

As the machine clicked off, Doug looked down at his watch, realising that Jack was right. He needed to get a move on.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_“Good morning, Big Bother,” Pacey said, walking into kitchen, picking up the slice of toast on Doug’s plate and biting into it before Doug even had a chance to question his presence._

_“Pacey’s here,” Jack grinned, following close behind, throwing an arm over his friend’s shoulder before leaning in and taking a bite of the toast in his hand._

_Doug stood back against the kitchen counter taking in the scene, simply shaking his head. “No, it’s too early for this.”_

_“Too early for what?” Pacey asked, his voice growing high pitched._

_“You,” Doug replied before moving his attention to Jack. “I thought we agreed – no Pacey before 10am and no Andie after 7pm.”_

_Jack grinned, taking another bite of the toast in Pacey’s hand before moving away. “He’s not had any coffee yet,” he warned his friend._

_“Oh, Jack, that’s sweet that you still think coffee would make any difference to his general hostility towards me,” Pacey joked._

_“Why are you here?” Doug asked, unimpressed, looking at his watch, “at 8:34.”_

_“Could you two please play nice?” Jack asked, disappearing into the hallway for a moment before returning with his shoes, spotting the moment that Doug realised that he was dressed. “Maybe you could offer Pacey a coffee?” he continued, sitting down to tie his laces._

_“What’s going on?” Doug asked, still in pyjamas wondering why Jack looked like he was ready getting to go out._

_“I have an appointment this morning,” Jack said casually._

_“What appointment?” Doug asked, wondering why Jack had not mentioned anything._

_“Is it the one where they check your brain is still working?” Pacey joked, unsure what was going on but realising quickly that he had been summoned to be a comedy buffer._

_“That was last week,” Jack said with a grin._

_“Did you pass?”_

_“Waiting on the results,” Jack replied, making Pacey laugh._

_“What appointment?” Doug asked again._

_“At the high school. I’m meeting with James.”_

_“When?”_

_Jack looked at his watch. “In twenty minutes.”_

_“Why didn’t you say something?” Doug asked. “I’ll get dressed.”_

_“There’s no need,” Jack said simply, gathering together a few things that he needed._

_“Is Pacey taking you?” Doug asked, not receiving a response from Jack and he continued to look around the living room for what he needed. Doug could feel his anxiety building; knowing that Jack being secretive was not a good sign. “Pacey?” Doug asked, turning his attention to his brother. “Are you driving Jack to the school?”_

_Pacey simply shrugged, slowing realising what was going on, taking the final bite of toast. “Don’t ask me. Jack called me last night and told me to be here at 8:30 – no earlier; no later. So here I am – awaiting instructions.”_

_Both men watched Jack continued his hunt before finally giving up, looking back at Doug. “Where are your car keys?”_

_“My car keys?” Doug asked, too stunned to say anything else._

_“Yes, your car keys,” Jack repeated. “The keys to your car.”_

_“Why do you need my car keys?” Doug asked, finally moving out of the kitchen and into the living room._

_Jack looked at him questioningly. “Because I don’t know how to hotwire a car.”_

_“What is going on? Have you lost your mind?”_

_Pacey laughed slightly, having not seen his brother this rattled for a while. “He already said he’s waiting on those test results.”_

_“Thanks, Pacey,” Jack laughed, patting his friend on the shoulder._

_“What has got into the two of you?” Doug asked, growing more frustrated._

_“Keys, Doug,” Jack said. “I’m going to be late.”_

_“Absolutely not,” Doug shook his head. “I’ll drive you.”_

_“In your pyjamas?” Jack asked, looking him, shaking his head._

_“Give me 2 minutes; I’ll get dressed.”_

_“Pacey,” Jack shook his head. “Give me your car keys”_

_“You want to drive my car?” Pacey asked._

_“I don’t care whose car. I just need some keys.”_

_Pacey thought about it for a second and shrugged. “Sure, it’s not like you have a history of wrecking cars.”_

_“Not funny,” Doug said sternly, watching in disbelief as Pacey pulled his keys from his pocket. “Pacey, put your keys back in your pocket.”_

_“Thanks, man,” Jack smiled, taking them from Pacey’s hand._

_“You are not driving Pacey car,” Doug said firmly, his sheriff voice coming out._

_“Jeez,” Pacey shuddered. “It was like dad was in the room.”_

_“Shut up, Pacey!” Doug said, losing his temper, causing everyone to stop._

_“Doug,” Jack said softly, moving towards the other man, hands resting on Doug’s upper arms. “I know you aren’t happy about this and I’m sorry that I have sprung this on you, but this is something I need to do.”_

_“I don’t think this is a good idea.”_

_“Doug,” Jack said again, this time a little more firmly. “I am going to my meeting at the school and I will be driving myself.”_

_“Jack…”_

_“Listen to me,” Jack said. “I can either take your car that you know is safe and has gas. Or I can take Pacey’s car that probably hasn’t ever had an oil change. Either way I am going to do this. I’m not asking your permission – except to borrow your car.”_

_Doug looked back at him, knowing there was little he could say, desperately wanting Jack to reconsider but knowing he had already made up his mind. He closed his eyes, shaking his head. “Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind.”_

_“Bar handcuffing me to the fridge, you’re not going to stop me.”_

_“I can do that, you know?” Doug said, forcing a laugh._

_“Not when we have company,” Jack smiled back, leaning in and kissing Doug softly. “Everything will be fine.”_

_Doug sighed, exhaling loudly. “My keys are on the hook by the door.”_

_Jack rolled his eyes slightly. “Of course they are.” He kissed Doug once more before pulling away. “Pacey, look after your brother,” he said, tossing his keys back in his direction. “I’ll be back soon.”_

_“Will do,” Pacey said, smiling sympathetically in his brother’s direction._

_“This is crazy,” Doug said softly, listening as Jack made his way down the hallway, grabbing his keys from the hook._

_“Love you,” Jack called back as he opened the door._

_“Love you too,” Pacey called back._

_“Shut up, Pacey,” Doug said again, hearing the door close before he had a chance to respond._

_“So,” Pacey said, sitting down on the couch. “Fancy watching a movie or something.”_

_Doug glared back at his brother,_

_“I know, know,” Pacey groaned, knowing exactly what Doug was about to say. “Shut up, Pacey.”_

***

_Jack glanced over his shoulder before unlocking Doug’s car, wanting to be sure he was not being watched or followed. Just wanting to be able to do what he needed to do his own way without having to worry about anyone else. After months of back and forth to hospital appointments he had grown more used to being in a car again. Usually with Doug driving; sometimes with Pacey if Doug was unable to get out of work. During his appointment earlier that week he had been cleared to drive. While as first he had shrugged off the news; not even bothering to mention it to Doug, as the week went on he had a burning desire to get back behind the wheel. To just drive. Anywhere. It made no difference to him where – he just wanted his freedom back._

_Climbing into the driver’s seat he was instantly struck by how different it felt being back behind the wheel compared to in the passenger seat. He closed the door, quickly fastening his seat belt, pushing the key into the ignition but not quite ready turn it. He ran his hands lightly over the steering wheel, taking a deep breath. He could feel his palm becoming sweaty; certain he could hear the pounding of his heart echoing around the car, but still he felt determined. He had made the decision the night before that today would be the day that he clawed back a little more of what had been lost – having messaged Pacey to be on hand, knowing that Doug would likely find it more difficult than he would. This was just something he needed to do alone – unwilling to only take his independence back halfway._

_He took another deep breath, turning the key, smiling to himself as he heard the engine come to life – feeling the vibrations pulse through him. He almost laughed as he caught himself checking the mirrors more thoroughly than he ever did before as he slowly pulled away from the curb – within seconds feeling a little more human again._

***

_“Did you know about this?” Doug asked, pacing the kitchen._

_“Does it look like I knew about this?” Pacey replied, flicking through the TV channels, hoping that would annoy Doug enough to take his mind off of Jack._

_“Didn’t you think to ask why he wanted you here this morning?”_

_“I know better than to ask Jack questions like that,” Pacey murmured, finally settling on a channel. “It’s just setting yourself up to be lied to.”_

_“Lied to?” Doug said. “You think the meeting is made up?”_

_“School meeting at 9am on a Saturday?” Pacey replied. “Come on, Doug – I don’t even think Jack expected you to believe that.”_

_“It’s possible,” Doug argued._

_“Yes, it’s possible,” Pacey nodded. “Anything is possible. Probable? Not so much.”_

_“So why the hurry?” Doug asked, the pace of his pacing increasing._

_“Come on, Doug. The poor man has spent the last few months having to catch rides from the two of us. I’m sure this doesn’t feel like a hurry to him. More like an eternity.”_

_“One of us could have gone with him,” Doug reasoned._

_“Of course we could have. But that kind of defeats the whole purpose, doesn’t it? You need to accept this, Dougie. Jack is going to get a car and he’s going to be on the road again, without either one us there to hold his hand. Our boy is all grown up,” Pacey grinned._

_Doug shook his head, having had just about enough of his brother. He looked down at his watch again, trying to picture in his head different routes Jack may have taken; whereabouts he could be. Wondering if maybe he was wrong and Jack was still sat out the front of the house he quickly exited the kitchen, ignoring the look that Pacey threw him, quickly moving down the hallway and opening the front door – instantly seeing that Jack and his car were both gone. Closing his eyes he tried to take a few deep breaths before closing the door, knowing there was nothing he could do._

_Walking back into the living room he braced himself for Pacey’s next witty or sarcastic comment, surprised when it did not come. He looked at his brother who was looking back at him before shrugging slightly._

_“You need to relax. Nothing bad is going to happen.”_

_“Please don’t jinx this,” Doug groaned, sitting down on the couch._

_“Since when have you been superstitious?”_

_“Since Jack used up more than his fair share of luck the last time he was behind the wheel.”_

_“This isn’t about luck. You’re a logical man. What is the probability of Jack ever being in a situation like that again?”_

_“I don’t know,” Doug said, his foot tapping nervously against the floor. “But whatever it is it’s too high.”_

_“Why don’t I make us some coffee?” Pacey said, standing from the couch. “By the time we’ve had that Jack will most likely be on his way home.”_

_Doug nodded. “I’m going to get dressed while you do that. Just in case.”_

_“There is no just in case,” Pacey said. “But if it makes you feel better go ahead.”_

****

_Pacey looked down at his empty coffee cup, having tried to drink as slowly as possible to avoid getting to the bottom without any sign of Jack. He could feel the tension building, noticing that Doug had glanced down at his watch every minute or two._

_“It’s been well over an hour,” Doug said simply, standing up from the couch._

_“Just relax,” Pacey said, suddenly realising giving Doug caffeine maybe was not the best idea. “If he really is meeting with the principal then things take time.”_

_“I thought you said that was a lie?”_

_“What do I know,” Pacey shrugged._

_“Give me your keys,” Doug said, reaching his hand out to his brother._

_“What?” Pacey laughed._

_“Your keys,” Doug said again, making a grabbing gesture with his hand for emphasis. “I’m going to go to the high school and look for him.”_

_“No, you are not,” Pacey said simply._

_“Keys,” Doug said again, losing patience._

_“Over my dead body.”_

_“Don’t tempt me, Pacey.”_

_“Doug, come on, you’re acting crazy. He is driving the roads of Capeside not NASCAR.”_

_“I don’t care.”_

_“Don’t be that guy,” Pacey said. “What will Jack think if you go out there looking for him? Do you imagine that ending well?”_

_Doug groaned, knowing that Pacey was right. Jack would not react well to him going after him, not after how hard he had fought for his independence. “I can’t just sit here waiting.”_

_“So do something,” Pacey suggested. “Go for a run, go for a shower, make me breakfast.”_

_“You’ve had breakfast,” Doug rolled his eyes._

_“Fine, make yourself breakfast – again,” Pacey suggested. “Because there is nothing else you can do. You need to get used to this because short of chipping Jack or putting a tracking devise in the car you’re not going to be able to know where he is all the time.” Something about the look on Doug’s face made Pacey regret his words. “You know you can’t do that, right?”_

_Doug grabbed his cell phone from the kitchen counter, quickly dialing a number, holding it to his ear as he waited for the ringing tone._

_“Doug, please tell me you know I was joking,” Pacey said, becoming increasingly worried, not completely convinced that Doug did not have access to some kind of tracking device._

_“Shut up, Pacey,” Doug groaned, waiting for the call to be answered._

_“Hello, Capeside Police Department.”_

_Doug sighed with relief, hearing exactly the voice he wanted. “Munroe, it’s Doug.”_

_“Doug? What’s wrong?”_

_“I need you to do something for me.”_

_“Sure. How can I help?” Munroe asked._

_Doug looked at Pacey for a moment, turning his back on his brother to avoid his disapproving look. “I need you to put an APB out Capeside wide.”_

_“Okay,” Munroe said, not sounding completely sure. “For what?”_

_“My car,” Doug said._

_The was a moment of silence at the other of the line before Munroe spoke again. “I can’t do that.”_

_“What?” Doug said. “Why not?”_

_“Jack called Sarah last night and warned this might happen.”_

_Doug turned back to Pacey, eyes bulging as though Pacey had a clue what was going on. “He did what?”_

_“He called Sarah and told her that he was planning to go for a drive in the morning and asked her to tell me to stop you from doing something stupid. And I’m pretty sure this is the sort of thing he meant.”_

_Doug didn’t know what to say. “Munroe, do it or I will fire you,” he replied, almost sure he meant it._

_“Sorry, Doug, you may be my boss at work, but Sarah is the boss and home and if I do this for you my life with be miserable – so will yours. I’m pretty sure Sarah’s been sharing all of her tricks with Jack. I’m doing this as much for you as I am for me.”_

_“Put someone else on the phone,” Doug instructed._

_“Sorry, Doug,” Munroe said. “I’m going to hang up now.”_

_“Don’t you dare,” Doug said desperately._

_“This is a good thing. When you calm down a little I’m sure you’ll agree,” Munroe said before ending the call._

_Doug pulled his cell phone away from his ear, watching as the screen went dark._

_“What’s going on?” Pacey asked, unsure what had happened, but knowing Jack had preempted Doug’s move._

_“Jack is an evil mastermind,” he groaned._

_“You’re only figuring that out now?” Pacey laughed. “You really are in trouble.”_

_The sound of the front door opening shook them from their conversation – listening to the sound of the door closing again, keys being put back on the hook followed by footsteps making their way towards them. They both stared at the doorway waiting for Jack to appear._

_When he finally did he stood in doorway looking back and forth between them. “What?”_

_Pacey could not help but laugh. “Told you he would be fine.”_

_Jack smiled, noticing Doug’s pale complexion. “Everything okay in here?”_

_“It is now,” Doug said, finally able to breathe._

_Moving over to Doug he wrapped his arms around his waist. “What have you been doing?”_

_“Pacing mostly,” Pacey answered._

_Jack looked at Doug a little more closely before turning to Pacey. “Did he call the station?”_

_“No comment,” Pacey laughed_

_“Everything is fine,” Jack said softly, eyes back on Doug. “Could you please relax? You look like hell.”_

_“Thanks,” Doug groaned, knowing Jack was right. “How did it go?”_

_“Good,” Jack smiled. “A little strange at first but I guess it’s like riding a bike.”_

_“Riding a bike is a good idea,” Doug joked. “Maybe you should do that from now on.”_

_“Statistically more dangerous than driving,” Jack replied, raising his eyebrows. “Your car is nice to drive though. I’ll have to borrow it more often.”_

_Doug sighed softly. “I guess that would be okay.”_

_“There was always a dent in the front bumper, right?” Jack asked._

_“What?” Doug said._

_“I’m kidding,” Jack laughed, kissing him. “Lighten up.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack’s meeting ended early enough that he was able to make it to the teachers’ lounge for a quick cup of coffee before class, pleased to see that someone had brought in some homemade cookies. He smiled to himself knowing that Doug would disapprove of cookies for breakfast, but having neglected to pick up his toast from the counter he was left with little choice. He just wanted something to give him the energy to get through his morning. He was due to start poetry with his classes – a subject that was rarely popular with students. He needed as much help as he could get.

He made his way through the hallway, weaving through students getting last minute things from their lockers as he headed to his classroom – hoping that if he focused on his classes he would not have the time to think about everything else. He walked into his classroom, surprised to see the rows of desks already filled, his whole class sat waiting. He looked down at his watch, wondering if maybe he had missed the bell and was late. As he did so, the bell rang out across the school. 

His eyes scanned the rows of students, giving them a questioning look. “I’m pretty sure this is a sign of the apocalypse,” he said dryly, putting his bag down on the chair behind his desk. “Should I be worried?”

The class all laughed, only increasing his uneasy feeling. He glanced around the room trying to figure out what was going on. 

“Okay, you’ve succeeded in freaking me out. Who’s going to tell me what’s going on?” Jack asked, perching on the edge of his desk looking at the class.

They all began to look around at each other, smiles growing on their faces.

“Seriously,” Jack laughed. “Someone had better start talking.”

One of his students in the third row stood from his desk. “We two boys together clinging. One the other never leaving.”

Jack looked back at him stunned, instantly recognising the words of the poem that he had planned to introduce to the class that lesson.

Another student stood up in the front row. “Up and down the roads going, North and South excursions making.”

“Power enjoying, elbows stretching, fingers clutching, Arm’d and fearless, eating, drinking, sleeping, loving,” a girl from the back row continued.

Jack sat frozen, watching as more and more students continued to stand, joining in the recital of the poem he had fought so hard for them to study. The fight that he had endured over a year ago had faded in significance next to the fight he endured soon after. 

His students, having finished, stared back at him, waiting for a reaction.

“That was…” Jack started, dipping his head slightly, taking a deep breath. “That was…” he shook his head, unable to find the words. “Well, you lot are the poets, you tell me,” he laughed.

His class all laughed; those who were standing once again taking their seats. Seeing the emotion on Jack’s face they gave him a moment to gather himself.

“You do know that you’ve just blown my lesson plan for today?” he smiled, once again receiving an amused reaction from the class. “That was incredible. I honestly don’t know what to say. When did you all become Walt Whitman fans?”

One of the girls in the front row looked around her classmates before speaking. “We’re teenagers. If we find out that our parents don’t want us reading something it only makes us want to read it more.”

Jack could not help but laugh, shaking his head. “You all know about that, huh?”

“This is Capeside,” another student replied. “Of course we know.”

“And we don’t agree with what our parents were saying,” another joined in.

“That’s good to know,” Jack said, standing up from his desk and grabbing his bag, pulling out the sheets he had planned to teach.

“We know what you said to them,” one of the boys added, causing Jack to look around surprised. 

Jack thought back to that day, still unsure where the words had come from – having had every intention of just staying quiet throughout the meeting. With everything else in his life he had thought about it very little since, unsure if his memory of what happened was completely accurate. It had happen only weeks before the accident, not having given him a chance to address it with any of his classes.

“Please don’t give me too much credit,” Jack shook his head. “What I said was not for completely selfless reasons.”

“But you still said it,” the same boy added. “No one has ever stood up like that for us before and treated us like more than dumb kids.”

“No one thinks you’re dumb kids,” Jack said.

“You’d be surprised,” the same boy replied. “But you never have.”

Jack nodded, taking another deep breath, knowing that saying exactly what he wanted was still difficult at times, particularly in stressful and emotional situations. He moved forward, closer to his students, looking at each of them. “Ultimately it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks of you. What they think you are or are not capable of. Only you know what you are truly capable of. And only you have the power show the world that.” Jack took another deep breath. “The reason I was so…” he thought for a moment, trying to find the word he wanted, “Passionate, I guess, about it all, is that the poems, the plays, the novels you study in this classroom are more than just words on pages; in the same way that you are more than just students at desks. They have the power to mold and change. They have more power than you can possibly imagine at a single glance. They can, and in some cases do, change the world. There’s no reason why you can’t do the same given the right tools.”

The room went quiet, every set of eyes fixed on him. He paused for a moment before grabbing the sheets he had pulled from his bag, placing them on one of the desks for the student sat there to hand out.

“So, Mr. Whitman,” he said, clearing his throat and moving to the board, writing the words ‘Walt Whitman’ in large letters. “Whitman is one of the most influential poets in the American canon,” Jack said, turning back to face his class. “He was born in 1819 in New York and left formal schooling at the age of just eleven. His work was controversial in its time – and seemingly still today. It was described as obscene and led to close scrutiny of his personal life. Still he continued to write. It has been said that ‘you cannot really understand America without Walt Whitman’. Does anyone know who said that?”

Jack’s eyes scanned over his class, no one raising their hand. He smiled, picking up a book from his desk. “Well, it seems as though I still have something to teach you today after all.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Summer was drawing to an end and Jack noticed how the town had grown quieter over the last week. Vacationing families had all headed home, the air was growing a little cooler in the evenings. It was the time of year he loved most – the new school year rolling in with the memories of summer still fresh in his mind._

_This summer had been a very different kind of summer for him. With Doug working and Jack still not officially back at school, there was little for him to do. He had spent time reading on the beach, trying to rebuild his fitness after months of limited mobility but the thing that had kept him sane during the days alone was visiting Sarah in her store. He popped by every few days, usually in time to share lunch, sometimes staying and helping Sarah with odd jobs around the store – pleased to finally feel useful again._

_Today there were far fewer people out along the waterfront – only a couple of local families enjoying last few days before school started. Jack waved back as the owner of the store next to Sarah’s waved through the window as he passed. He heard the bell on the door chime as he walked in, glancing around the small space, noticing that there were no customers around. In fact he could not see anyone at all. He walked around the shop, hand grazing over the glass cabinets housing a range of jewellery, stopping as he often did to observe a particular watch he always admired._

_“You look at that watch every time you come in here,” Sarah said, appearing from out back. “One day you’ll have to buy it.”_

_“Not from here; the customer service is awful,” Jack joked. “I could have robbed you in the amount of time I’ve been stood out here.”_

_“It’s lucky my husband is a cop then,” she smiled back, walking over and giving him a hug. “I knew it was you. I saw you on the CCTV in the backroom.”_

_“I’m even more offended that you kept me waiting then,” Jack smiled, his eyes falling back on the watch one more time before moving towards the counter._

_“Maybe you should treat yourself,” she continued, knowing how much Jack liked the watch. “You deserve it.” She followed him to the counter, sitting down in her usual seat, watching as Jack sat on one of the crates on the staff side of the counter, as he had many times during their summer together._

_“I think you’re forgetting that I’m a public school teacher and not a lawyer.”_

_“You know I would give you a generous discount,” she winked, trying to entice him further._

_Jack simply shook his head. “I would never spend that sort of money on myself.”_

_“Maybe you should.”_

_“No,” he said adamantly. “That watch screams wealthy parents or sugar daddy,” Jack joked._

_Sarah looked at Jack, trying to hold back a laugh. “Don’t you have both of those things?”_

_Jack looked at her disapprovingly. “Very funny.”_

_“Seriously though, how much do sheriffs earn?”_

_“I don’t know,” Jack said honestly, having never asked – simply knowing it was far more than he did._

_“You could probably look it up. Surely it’s a matter of public record.”_

_“I’m not going to do that,” Jack laughed, once again realising how much Sarah reminded him of Andie._

_“Okay, fine,” she groaned. “But if you want me to drop some hints in Doug’s direction just say the word.”_

_“No, absolutely not,” Jack said, mortified at the thought of it._

_“Don’t you have an anniversary coming up?” she said, raising her eyebrows._

_Jack looked at her questioningly. “How do you know that?”_

_“Because I listen to you,” she said with a smile. “And sometimes when men don’t know what to get for their significant other they tend to ask a close friend or a colleague – and luckily for you that friend or colleague knows better than to give advice before consulting with their wife.”_

_“Oh God,” Jack groaned. “Please tell me that advice was to keep things simple and low key?”_

_Sarah looked at him disapprovingly. “I never would have guessed that Doug was the more romantic of the two of you.”_

_“It’s not that I’m not romantic,” Jack protested. “I am just a little more practical.”_

_“All I’m saying is that come your anniversary and Doug treats you like a king, your acknowledgment that you’re the ‘practical’ one in the relationship is not going to make you feel like less of an ass.”_

_Jack sighed, slouching down a little lower. “I would like you to know in advance how much it pains me to say this,” Jack groaned, “but help me. Please.”_

_“I thought you were never going to ask,” she beamed. “What were you planning?”_

_“I’m not going to answer that question,” Jack shook his head. “I don’t need you calling me an ass again.”_

_“Okay,” she laughed. “Let’s start from scratch. Let’s just assume, hypothetically speaking, that the main arrangements are taken care of. All you need to do is turn up looking hot and with a thoughtful gift.”_

_“I only need help with the gift,” Jack joked._

_“Don’t we both know it,” she grinned, grabbing his arm and pulling him up from his seat. “Come with me.”_

_Jack allowed Sarah to pull him around the store as she peered into the display cases. “I see – the gift is coming from this store?” he laughed._

_“We don’t have time to go trapsing all over Capeside. And it needs to be special,” she replied, pulling him towards the men’s section. “Anything catch your eye?”_

_Jack looked down into the case, unsure what he should be looking for. “Not really.”_

_“How about a ring?” she asked, raising her eyebrows._

_“No,” Jack shook his head._

_“Why not?”_

_“Why not?” Jack laughed. “You know why not. Anyway, Doug doesn’t wear anything like that. The closest he has ever come is wearing cufflinks.”_

_“Cufflinks – well that’s the least romantic thing I could possibly imagine.”_

_“Why?” Jack asked, having no intention of actually getting him cufflinks._

_“Cufflinks scream stuffy formal event, funerals; at best they say, ‘be my date to a wedding’,” she shook her head._

_“As opposed to a ring that says, ‘let’s plan our own wedding’,” Jack replied sternly._

_“That’s a problem?” Sarah said with a smile._

_“Not for someone looking to get married.”_

_“And you’re not?”_

_“No,” Jack said quickly, shaking his head. “Right now? To Doug? No.”_

_“Wow – okay,” she laughed. “Extreme reaction.”_

_“Sorry,” Jack groaned. “It’s just not something I’ve thought about.”_

_“Let’s hope Doug hasn’t been thinking about it,” Sarah replied. “Because that reaction was pretty resounding.”_

_Jack stopped looking at the display, instead looking at Sarah carefully, trying to hide his terror. “He’s not though, right?”_

_“No,” Sarah rolled her eyes. “I’m sure if he was I would have heard about it.”_

_“And you haven’t?” Jack wanted to double check._

_“No,” she laughed. “But one day I’m sure he will and it won’t be an unreasonable suggestion.”_

_“I know,” Jack nodded._

_“So it may be worth trying to get used to the idea – you know, so you don’t accidently shatter his heart.”_

_“You’re not funny.”_

_Sarah smiled knowingly, opening up the case in front of them, picking up a ring. “Here, try this. See how it feels.”_

_“No,” Jack said simply, staring at her like she was mad._

_“Just put it on,” she persisted, handing it to him, watching as he reluctantly took it, looking at it closely before sliding it onto his index finger. Sarah rolled her eyes, taking Jack’s hand in her own. “Wrong finger,” she said, knowing full well that Jack had intentionally avoided his ring finger. She removed it from his index finger and slid it on the correct one. “Looks good,” she smiled. “How does it feel?”_

_Jack looked down at the ring on his finger, praying that no one would walk past the store and see them. He looked at it a little more closely, the terror he expected to feel not arriving. “Okay, actually,” he said, the surprise evident in his voice._

_Sarah continued to watch as Jack studied the ring on his finger, seemingly lost in thought, a smile beginning to grow on his face. She reached back into the display and picked up another one. “This one seems a little more you and Doug,” she said, sliding the ring off of his finger and replacing it with the other one. “Black titanium. Simple band. Very masculine. And a perfect fit.”_

_“It’s actually quite nice,” Jack said, moving his finger slightly, letting the light play over the metal._

_“Is that the closest I’m going to get to you admitting you like it?”_

_Jack looked at the ring once again. “Yes,” he nodded, pulling it off and handing it back to Sarah, eyes returning to the case in front of them. “You’re supposed to be helping me find a gift.”_

_“I thought I had,” she grinned, nudging Jack with her elbow, knowing better than to push too hard. “You have beautiful hands by the way.”_

_Jack looked at her, raising his eyebrows. “You’re weird – you know that, right?”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Within minutes of walking into work Doug began to feel suffocated. He paced around his office for a few minutes before grabbing his jacket, knowing he needed to get out. There was no way he was going to be able to sit at his desk and concentrate. Quickly leaving his office, he made minimal eye contact with any of his deputies as has he made his way back through the building and out the front door. Feeling the fresh air hit him, he took a deep breath, letting the cool air fill his lungs.

“Well, that was faster than I anticipated.”

Doug turned around suddenly, seeing Munroe stood leant against the wall. “What are you doing out here?”

“Waiting for you,” Munroe replied, smiling knowingly. “Fancy going for a walk and getting a coffee?”

Not saying a word, Doug simply nodded and started walking, knowing that Munroe was close behind. “Why do I have a feeling that Sarah put you up to this?”

“Not every thoughtful thing I do is result of Sarah’s prodding.”

“Prodding?” Doug laughed.

“Okay – strongarming,” Munroe replied.

“That sounds more accurate.”

“I didn’t need her reminder about what today was in order to remember. That day will be permanently etched in my mind,” Munroe confessed.

“I know the feeling,” Doug nodded, continuing to look directly ahead as they walked. 

“How’s Jack?” 

“I’ll let you know once he tells me,” Doug shrugged.

Munroe nodded, making a ‘hmm,’ sound. 

“What does that noise mean?” Doug asked.

“Nothing,” he shook his head. “It’s just that Sarah mentioned that she tried to ask him about it when she saw him last week and he clearly didn’t want to talk about it.”

“When did Sarah and Jack see each other last week?” Doug asked, pretty sure Jack had not mentioned that.

“I don’t know. Maybe I got it wrong. Maybe it was during one of their lengthy phone calls.”

Doug laughed slightly, picking up on Munroe’s tone. “I’m not a fan of those either.”

“If I didn’t know better I would be jealous. It just concerns me how much they have to talk about on a weekly basis,” Munroe groaned. 

“It’s likely to be that one of us has done something wrong,” Doug shrugged.

“Aren’t you two still in the honeymoon period? What are you doing so wrong to cause a conversation that long?”

“Nothing,” Doug smiled. “So it must be you.”

Munroe could not help but laugh. “I don’t think I can argue with that. Most of the time I don’t even know why I’m getting the death stares she gives me.”

“Probably best that way,” Doug replied. 

They continued walking up the street, neither of them exactly sure where they were headed. Munroe glanced over to Doug, trying to gauge the answer to his question before he asked it. “How are you doing?”

“I don’t know the answer to that question,” Doug shrugged. “I’m trying not to be superstitious. And I’m really trying not to overthink everything, but I can’t help it. Jack wants to see today just like any other day but I just can’t do that. Everything changed that day.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Munroe suggested. “Maybe Jack doesn’t want to see that day as having changed everything. That’s a lot to get your head around. No one wants to think that one moment in their life – particularly a bad one, changed the course of things.”

“But it’s all worked out for the best,” Doug reasoned.

“Surely that’s even harder to accept?”

“I don’t know,” Doug sighed. 

“But, you know – you don’t have to feel guilty about that,” Munroe said intuitively. 

“I know,” Doug said weakly, wondering why he could not move passed that feeling.

“You made lemonade out of lemons. Good for you. It’s the least you both deserve after everything,” Munroe said, feeling apprehension from his friend. “No one is to blame for what happened. Apart from maybe the truck driver. Today may be a reminder of all the bad things that happened but it doesn’t mean you should write off all the good that followed.”

“So you’re saying that Jack’s right – today is just another day.”

“No, I didn’t say that,” Munroe laughed. “Jack’s inability to recognise the significance of today is a clear sign that he has not fully processed everything that he went through – that you both went through. Clearly he hasn’t made peace with it.”

Doug stopped walking, turning to look at Munroe skeptically. 

“What?”

“What percentage of what you just said came straight from Sarah’s mouth?” Doug asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Okay, fine – that’s her analysis. But that doesn’t mean I don’t agree.”

“Do the two of you not have better things to talk about?”

“Sadly, no,” Munroe shrugged, continuing to walk. “But really you and Jack should be talking about this.”

“Easier said than done,” Doug groaned, following on. “It’s like talking to a brick wall when he decides he doesn’t want to talk.”

“It’s clear that you still feel some guilt about everything,” Munroe reasoned. “Maybe Jack feels the same?”

“Guilt?” Doug question. “What does he have to feel guilty about?”

“Putting you through everything you went through. This last year hasn’t exactly been a picnic for you.”

Doug remained silent as he walked alongside his friend – his words whirling through his head. Wondering if Munroe’s analysis was right. “Did that come from Sarah too?”

“Could you please just talk to you boyfriend?” Munroe laughed. “Even if it’s simply to stop Sarah and her nightly theories.”

“Maybe we do have something to be worried about with their weekly phone calls,” Doug joked, relieved that Munroe had broken the growing tension.

“I don’t think so,” Munroe shook his head. “Last week I overheard Sarah talking about some issue at the store.”

“What type of issue?” Doug asked.

“No idea. You’d be better off asking Jack,” Munroe joked.

Doug patted his friend on the shoulder. “I take it back. We don’t have anything to worry about – just you.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Doug was beginning to get used to coming home to Jack’s house instead of going back to his apartment. He loved knowing that he was going home to someone. No just someone. He loved that he was going home to Jack. He liked how Jack no longer seemed as though he was playing host – happy for Doug to get on and do whatever he needed to. Not minding when Doug helped with household chores or restocked the refrigerator. He enjoyed no longer having to have a conversation about whose place they were going to meet at or stay at – never having to question if he would be going to be alone._

_Having Jack back in his own environment had changed things more than Doug had been expecting. It was not as though he had not spent plenty of time staying at Jack’s before the accident, but properly staying there was different. He became more privy to Jack’s ways and little eccentricities – his way of doing things and routines, most of which he assumed Jack had no idea he was doing. He found it funny that while Jack liked things clean and tidy, he had no real order to things – constantly misplacing and losing things that Doug would later find in the most peculiar places. The TV remote and keys were the most commonly misplaced items._

_As much as he hated to admit it, Doug was not looking forward to Jack returning to work – selfishly loving having him to himself in the evenings, not having to compete with marking or other schoolwork. With Jack currently off of work he had plenty of time during the day while Doug was working to do whatever prep he wanted for the new school year. Doug would often find him sat out on the decking in the sunshine reading or updating old lesson plans. Doug was glad that Jack had something to keep him occupied – anything to keep his mind off of the fact that his mobility was still limited by his leg brace, at least glad that his wrist cast was now gone. Doug knew that slowly things were beginning to fall into place and get a little easier. Sometimes Doug had to pinch himself, wondering when his life became what he had always wanted._

_Doug could not help but smile as he turned the key in the lock, pushing the door open – pleased to be home. He listened out for any sound that could give him as clue as to where he would find Jack, not hearing anything._

_“I’m home,” he called as he made his way down the hallway, not hearing anything in response. As he turned into the open plan living space he spotted the table set for dinner, noticing that Jack had found a candle and added wine glasses, clearly planning a romantic dinner for the two of them._

_“Jack?” Doug said, still not hearing any signs of life, glancing over towards the decking outside, not able to see him. As he turned the corner into the kitchen he stopped in this tracks – the scene in front of him could not have been further from the romantic dining area he had just found. The kitchen was a complete mess – cupboard doors left open, a pan of food abandoned in the sink and a mess of tomato sauce across the floor; shards of glass visible in the flood of sauce. “What the hell?” Doug said, looking around more desperately for Jack._

_He moved back to the hallway, calling Jack’s name up the stairs, waiting a moment, receiving nothing but silence. Turning back he headed back to the kitchen, taking in the sight once more – trying not to fixate on the memory of the last jar of sauce to have met the same fate in Jack’s kitchen. Shaking his head, trying to make sense of what was going on he glanced down, only now noticing smudged, tomatoey footprints leading towards the deck. Doug’s eyes followed the clues; walking towards the deck, not seeing Jack but instead discovering his leg brace abandoned on the ground._

_“Jack,” Doug called again, wondering what was going on. “Where the hell are you?” he said, almost to himself, picking up the brace, noticing the tomato sauce covering the bottom of it. Placing it back down on the ground, propped up by the bench, he walked to the edge of the deck, finally spotting Jack sat on the beach. He exhaled loudly, making his way down the steps and towards Jack, his feet sinking into the sand with each step. As he grew closer he could see Jack’s legs stretched out in front of him; sand stuck to patches of red._

_Doug paused behind the other man, noticing the bottle of wine in his hand. He cleared his throat making his presence known, watching as Jack remained looking ahead. “Please tell that is sauce and not blood,” he said, trying to keep his tone light._

_“Very funny,” Jack mumbled, taking another mouthful of wine straight from the bottle._

_“I’m actually being serious,” Doug said, sitting down next to the other man in the sand. “What happened?”_

_“I happened,” Jack said, not even turning to look at Doug._

_The pair sat in silence for a moment. Doug wondered what he was supposed to say, realising he was potentially walking a thin line – relieved when Jack spoke first._

_“I just wanted to do something nice for you,” he said, drinking a little more wine. “For us.” He sighed heavily. “But as usual I’ve just created a mess – because let’s face it, that’s all I really know how to do.”_

_“Jack,” Doug said softly, trying to think of something to say to comfort the other man. It was clear that Jack had been trying to do something for the two of them to enjoy. “I don’t know what happened in there….”_

_“What happened in there is that I am completely incapable of doing even the simplest of things,” Jack said, frustration evident in his voice. “I couldn’t even open a jar of sauce,” he said, not wanting to go into detail as to how he had struggled to open the jar, not having the strength to twist it open, spending twenty minutes desperately trying before then dropping it; watching in disbelief as it shattered over the floor. “What’s the point of having the damn cast off if I still can’t do anything.”_

_“It’s only been a couple of weeks. Give yourself a break.”_

_“No,” Jack said, finally looking at Doug. “I don’t want to give myself a break and I don’t want you to give me a break either.”_

_“It’s a smashed jar or sauce,” Doug said, trying to keep things in perspective. “And not the first one that kitchen has seen,” he laughed._

_“This is just a joke to you, isn’t it?” Jack said, clearly growing more irritated._

_“I’m just trying to put this into perspective,” Doug explained. “Sure, the kitchen looks like a crime scene but I’ve seen worse. It can all be cleaned up. It will be like nothing ever happened.”_

_“Like nothing ever happened?” Jack shook his head. “Is that your new mantra?”_

_“What do you mean by that?”_

_“That just seems to be how you choose to deal with everything. Just pretend that everything is back to normal.”_

_“That’s not what I said,” Doug protested wearily, knowing this conversation was not going well. “I’m not comparing the mess in the kitchen with your situation.”_

_“The mess in the kitchen is my situation,” Jack said simply._

_“Jack, come on,” Doug persisted. “It’s really not a big deal.”_

_“It is a big deal!” Jack said angrily. “It is a big deal to me. Stop making light of everything.”_

_“Okay, fine,” Doug replied, feeling exasperated. “I get it – to you this is a big deal. It’s frustrating. But it’s just one jar of sauce. One bad day.”_

_“But it’s not just one bad day, is it?” Jack replied. “All I wanted to do was make a simple dinner. Something nice for us to enjoy. To do something to thank you and I couldn’t even do that.” Jack drank from the bottle of wine once more._

_“I think this is probably responsible for some of the dramatics here,” Doug said, taking the bottle from Jack, looking at it, expecting it have been less full._

_“Dramatics?”_

_“Yes,” Doug said, standing his ground. “I completely get that you wanted to do something nice and I appreciate it – I do, but it’s the thought that counts. You tried; it went wrong – so what?”_

_“So what?” Jack asked. “You’re happy with this?”_

_“Actually, yes – I am. I’m happy with this. Not literally this, right this second, but generally speaking I’m enjoying where we are. I’m happy to embrace each stage of this and make the best of what we have at any given moment.”_

_“Make the best of it? Is that how you picture your life – making the best of it?”_

_Doug groaned, shaking his head. “If you’re just going to twist everything I say then I’m not willing to have this conversation with you right now. I think when you calm down a little you’ll realise that you’ve overreacting slightly.”_

_“Now I’m overreacting?”_

_“Jack, seriously – what has got into you?” Doug said, growing tired of it. “It’s like you’re looking for a fight and to be honest I’m not really sure what I’ve done to deserve this. All I’ve done is try and make you feel better.”_

_“You’ve not done anything to deserve this,” Jack said simply, his voice barely warming. “Nothing at all. You don’t deserve it. In fact I have no idea why you’ve stuck around so long.”_

_Doug shook his head, looking down at his hands. He did not have the energy to do this again. “I give up,” he said, realising there was nothing he could do to get Jack out of the mood he was in. He was better off leaving him to get over it alone._

_“It was always a matter of time,” Jack said, the coldness of his voice just managing to hide the fear._

_Doug stared back at him in disbelief that they were back in the cycle again. He pushed himself up off the sand. “You know what, Jack – I can’t do this again.”_

_Jack sat in the sand, feeling as though he was beginning to sink deeper into the hole that he had made for himself. He did not say a word, not trusting himself – unsure if he wanted to keep pushing or cling on for dear life._

_“I’m sorry that you’ve had a rough day – really, I am, but I’m not willing to do this,” Doug said simply – his voice sounding way calmer than he felt. “I can’t spend my life doing this. It’s exhausting. I don’t know how many times I can keep passing this test of yours, because each time feels a little bit more like failing.”_

_“Doug,” Jack said, his voice shaking, scared what else was going to spill out._

_“No,” Doug said, not wanting to hear it. “Push all you want, Jack. I honestly don’t know how to stop you. But you need to know that that I am done.” Doug took a deep breath, trying to remain strong. “If you need reassurance; if you need to be reminded that I love you – I can do that. But this is not the way. I refuse to do this anymore. I can tell you that I love you a million different ways. I will gladly tell you so every day for the rest of my life. But if you refuse to believe it I can’t help you. So you need to think really carefully before you say another word, because if you really want me to go,” Doug said, his voice shaking. “I will,” he managed to force out. “But it will be the last time. I won’t be coming back.”_

_Placing the wine bottle down next to Jack in the sand, he did his best to avoid eye contact, worried it would cause him to crack. Taking another breath, Doug turned and started making his way back to the house – desperate to hear Jack’s voice calling him back. Desperate to hear anything; knowing that his words had to mean something – he could not back down. He made his way up the steps onto the decking towards the house, unable to hold back his frustration any longer – kicking Jack’s leg brace as he walked past it, hearing a loud thud as it hit the wall. Quickly opening the screen door he walked inside, once again faced with the scene that should have been his evening – a romantic dinner for two._

_He walked over to the counter, feeling as though he could barely breathe, bracing his arms against the hard surface, trying to catch his breath – trying to slow the tears falling, knowing he had no chance of stopping them. Everything was silent – the air was electric, crackling around him, warning of danger._

_“Fuck, Jack – don’t be an idiot,” he pleaded – praying the universe would step in and achieve something he had seemingly been unable to do. He could feel the metaphorical timer ticking down, knowing that he could not just stand there forever hoping for things to be different. He wiped his hands over his face, bracing himself for what was to come – the feeling of emptiness and sorrow that he tried so hard to escape, preparing to engulf him once more._

_Knowing it was now or never, his eyes scanned the room, trying to remember where he had left his car keys – hoping he had hung them on the hook like he usually did, unsure if he had the strength to come back into the room again if they were not waiting for him by the door. His eyes once again fell on the mess in the kitchen, forcing down any guilty feelings about leaving the house in that state. Knowing if he stayed a moment longer he would never find the strength to leave. Straightening back up he took one last breath to steady himself before turning away from the mess and making his way towards the front door._

_Relieved to see his keys hanging where they were supposed to be, he quickly pulled them off the hook, hand reaching for the door at the very moment he heard clattering coming from within the house – the slamming of the screen door; desperation so palpable that he could feel nothing else._

_“Doug!” he heard being called – Jack’s voice more despairing than anything he had ever heard. “Please – Doug!” He turned around, looking back down the hallway as Jack appeared in the doorway at the end._

_“Please,” Jack pleaded, face pale. “I don’t want you to go.”_

_Doug remained still, watching as Jack remained frozen in front of him – a look of both shock and relief over the fact he had got to him before he left but still unsure if he had made it before he was too late._

_“I’m sorry,” Jack said, tears already on his cheeks. “You don’t deserve this. I’m sorry.”_

_“You can’t keep doing this,” Doug said, repeating his words for before, unsure he had the strength to find anything new._

_“I know,” Jack nodded. “It’s not fair. You’re right.”_

_“This isn’t healthy,” Doug said, shaking his head. “It’s not right.”_

_“I know. I’m not going to make any excuses,” Jack said, taking a tentative step forward. “Just please don’t leave.”_

_Doug remained stood with his back to the door – desperately wanting to move closer to Jack, but unable to take his mind off what would have happened if he had already walked through the door; wondering if that would have been the easier option. He watched as Jack slowly made his way up the hallway, limping on his unbraced leg._

_“Jack, you shouldn’t be walking without your brace.”_

_“You’re more important,” Jack said adamantly, wincing slightly with each step, knowing that he had over done it – the mad dash over the sand causing his ankle to twist a little._

_Doug looked at him sternly, putting down his keys and stepping towards Jack, looping his arm around his middle and turning him back in the direction of the living room, helping to support his weight as he silently maneuvered him._

_“You don’t have to do this,” Jack said, unsure what this meant. “I’m fine.”_

_“Jack,” Doug said sternly. “For once in your life; do what’s good for you and stop talking.”_

_Jack went to reply, realising quickly that he needed to take Doug’s advice. Instead he simply nodded._

_“Good,” Doug said, unable to hold back a slight eye roll as he lowered Jack onto the couch before leaning down and raising his leg to rest on the coffee table. “Does it hurt?”_

_Jack shook his head. “I don’t care about my leg.”_

_“Clearly,” Doug said frustratedly. “But I do. I care about your leg. I care about you. I love you.”_

_“I know,” Jack nodded, head dipping, trying to hide the new wave of tears. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. What you said was true. I know that. I just want to be the person you deserve.”_

_Doug shook his head, sighing – his hand moving to Jack’s cheek. “How about you let me decide what it is I deserve?”_

_Jack nodded softly, leaning into the feel of Doug’s hand still on his cheek. “I’m sorry.”_

_“I think you’ve said that,” Doug said, smiling softly. “This is something we need to figure out. Because this is not how I’m willing to do things. Okay?”_

_“Okay,” Jack nodded._

_“Good,” Doug smiled, leaning forward and kissing Jack softly. “Because you may be an idiot – but you’re my idiot. And I’d like to keep it that way.”_

_“Me too,” Jack said, his voice catching in his throat as the relief hit him._

_“Now, I think we have a crime scene to clean up,” Doug joked, hoping to lighten the mood, wanting to move past what had happened before it took hold. He wanted to go back to the feeling he had had when he had originally walked through the door. “Do you think there’s survivors in there?”_

_Jack laughed slightly, appreciating the way Doug was trying to change the tone. Trying to get things back on track. “I highly doubt it.”_

_“Right,” Doug said, kissing Jack once more before standing and pulling his cell phone out of his pocket, handing it to Jack. “You order dinner and I’ll get to work.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack parked his car around the back, hoping to go as unnoticed as possible, quickly making his way down the boardwalk that ran alongside the water before dipping into the store he knew well – the ringing of the bell causing Sarah to look up from the papers she was studying on the counter.

“Jack,” she said warmly. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today.”

“Today is one of those rare days when I have a free period right before lunch,” he said, walking towards her, hand gliding over the edge of the glass display cases. “I just needed to get out of school.”

“Does it ever feel weird saying that as an adult?” 

Jack laughed slightly, kissing Sarah on the cheek as he moved passed her, sitting on his usual crate behind the counter. “All the time.”

She turned around, back against the counter, looking at him. “It’s been a while since you’ve come and sat back here. Everything okay?”

Jack gave Sarah the same look that he felt like he had been given everyone lately. “Everything is fine.”

“Okay,” she nodded. “Well, true to form you have arrived just in time for lunch.”

“It’s a talent,” Jack smiled, watching as Sarah moved to the door, putting the ‘closed for lunch’ sign up in the window. “Do you need to head out for something?”

“No, I could just do with thirty minutes of no one coming through that door,” she said, heading back towards him. “Danny dropped off some lunch when he was passing not that long ago.” 

“How very thoughtful,” Jack smiled.

“I know. It’s suspicious, right?” she laughed, grabbing the bag from under the counter, pulling a couple of sandwiches from the bag, naturally handing one to Jack.

Jack looked at her questioningly. “I thought your weren’t expecting to see me today?”

“I wasn’t,” Sarah said simply, avoiding eye contact as she opened her sandwich.

“So what’s with the extra sandwich? I assume you would have told me if you were eating for two.”

“You’re not as funny as you think you are,” she said, unable to hide her laugh.

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” he smiled back, beginning to open his sandwich. “That doesn’t change the fact you have an extra sandwich sat under your counter.”

“Really, I didn’t think I’d see you today. I’ve been trying to get you into the store for weeks with no success. But apparently Danny had a feeling you’d be popping by.”

“Did he?” Jack said, not wholly convinced.

“He assumed that if you needed to talk as badly as Doug did this morning, and you are still refusing to talk Doug about what’s on your mind…” she shrugged. “He guessed you’d end up here. And given that you didn’t eat this morning he assumed you’d be hungry.”

Jack stared back at her stunned. “I always knew that there was a Capeside gossip mill, but I just never realised it consisted of just you and Danny,” he joked. 

“I’m not trying to pry. I’m happy to just sit here and eat lunch and talk about the same nothingness we usually waste away the time with, but if you actually want to talk about something a little more relevant to today, I’m happy to do that too.”

“I appreciate the offer – I really do. But I don’t know what I’m supposed to be saying. Today is no different from any other day.”

“Of course it is,” Sarah disagreed.

“No, you don’t understand,” Jack shook his head. “For me it’s no different from any other day – I have felt like this every day since the accident. The only difference with today is that I thought I would be feeling better by now.”

“Jack, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sound condescending.”

“No, it’s fine – really,” Jack said shaking his head. “It’s just everyone wants to put so much significance on today – worried that it might dredge up negative feelings, but the truth is they never went away in the first place. And if I tell Doug that then I have to admit that I’ve been faking it though the last twelve months.”

Sarah paused for a moment, letting Jack’s words wash over her. “I don’t think you’ve been faking anything. I think you’ve just been dealing with it. I think if you spoke to Doug about this and told him exactly what you just told me he would probably tell you that he feels exactly the same.”

“Things should be better by now,” Jack said simply, feeling defeated.

Sarah could not help but laugh.

“I’m glad you find my misery funny,” he groaned.

“Are you being serious?” she said shaking her head. “When I first met you – stood out there,” she pointed out the front of her store. “You could hardly walk, you still looked pretty beat up, you struggled to get all your words out. You weren’t working, you weren’t driving,” she reminded. “You couldn’t even remember if you’d met me before. You really think things haven’t got better?”

Jack sighed, knowing that she was right. It was easy to forget the struggles of the early days.

“But that’s not too say that there’s not still a way to go,” she added, not wanting Jack to feel as though she was ignoring his feelings. “Things may not be perfect but you can’t deny that you’ve made progress.”

“I know,” Jack nodded. “I know you’re right.”

“So what is it?” she asked softly. “What is it that you’re still looking for?”

Jack exhaled heavily, knowing that was the question he had asked himself repeatedly over the last few weeks. “I guess I just need some closure.”

“Closure?” she smiled. “If you figure out how to get that please let me in on the secret. We could write a book and make millions.”

Jack laughed. “Millions of dollars in the bank would probably help.”

“All I know if that you are not going to get closure if you avoid the issue,” she said seriously. “Trying to ignore your feelings, or telling yourself that you should be over it by now is not going to help. You have to accept what happened. It wasn’t your fault. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“I know,” Jack said honestly. “I was just unlucky.”

“But also very lucky too,” Sarah said warmly. “I know that’s probably just as difficult to accept.”

Jack said nothing, his eyes dropping to his hands, wondering if she understood how deep that feeling ran within him.

“You don’t have to feel guilty for surviving something that many others don’t. You don’t have to feel obligated to live your life to the full and always be grateful for the hand you’re dealt just because you made it out of that hell alive. Accept that it happened. Accept that you’re here to tell the tale. That’s it,” she said warmly. “Grieve what you’ve lost if you haven’t already, but also accept that it made room for what you have now.”

Jack nodded, understanding what Sarah was saying. “I just want to reframe it. To stop looking at that day as something that happened to me. I know it was completely out of my control but I don’t want to feel helpless like that again.” 

Sarah smiled. “I know it’s not the same but when I was in high school, I dated this guy on the basketball team. His name was David. We dated for years. In my head I had planned our wedding, our life – everything was about him. And then when he dumped me – two days before my eighteenth birthday – I was devastated. I honestly thought my whole life was over. I couldn’t understand why he ended things. I feel angry that someone else could change the course of my life and I had no say in it. I cried for days. Like, really ugly crying – it was gross,” she laughed, pleased when Jack did too. “After a week of that my mom had had just about enough. She sat me down, looked me in my puffy, red eyes and told me that if I wanted to be happy again then I needed to take back control of my life. To forget about all the thoughts of ‘what if’ or trying to change something that was already done. If I wanted to be happy I had look forward and create my own happy ending – however I wanted that to be.”

“Your mom was all about the tough love, huh?” Jack laughed.

“Honestly, even though I didn’t want to hear it at the time, it was probably the best advice she ever gave me.”

“So what did you do?”

“I looked at my life, identified the things that meant the most to me – my friends, my interests, my passions, and I did what I could to make sure my life reflected those things. I reconnected with friends that I’d neglected during the David years, I started designing jewellery again, I went to college. Mostly I was a little kinder to myself when things went wrong.”

“Is that your advice for me?”

“Be kinder to yourself, Jack,” she smiled. “Look at your life. Identify the things that make you happy, and celebrate them. Make your own happy ending.”

Jack smiled, eyes grazing the floor as he continued to contemplate Sarah’s words. “It’s actually funny you should say that,” Jack nodded. “That’s kind of why I came by.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack sat on the floor of Doug’s apartment rooting through a box of papers, glancing up at Doug sat on the edge of the bed doing the same thing. “Remind me what I’m looking for?” Jack groaned, having riffled through so much that everything was beginning to look the same._

_Doug looked up, smiling slightly. “Is that your way of telling me that I’m going to have to re-check all the boxes you’ve looked through?”_

_Jack shrugged. “It’s not like you gave me a particularly in depth description of what we’re looking for.”_

_“I’ll know it when I see it.”_

_Jack looked back at him with an unimpressed look on his face. “And how does that help me?”_

_“It’s some paperwork that Pacey needs about the loan for the Icehouse, so keep an eye out for anything with a bank logo on it,” Doug explained for at least the third time._

_Jack pulled out one of the letters in his box and looked over it. “There are bank statements in here from six years ago,” he groaned._

_“Just keep looking and we can get out of here,” Doug replied, returning his attention to his box._

_“Why do you have it anyway?” Jack asked. “Wouldn’t it make more sense for Pacey to have it?” He shuffled into a new position, stretching his leg out._

_“Pacey can’t be trusted with important paperwork.”_

_“Neither can you by the looks of things,” Jack teased, pulling a couple of bank letters and scanning his eyes over them. “Considering how orgainised everything else is around here I have to say that this filing system of yours leaves a lot to be desired. I’m honestly shocked.”_

_Doug rolled his eyes slightly. “Maybe we should look in silence.”_

_Jack smiled, continuing to read over the papers he had pulled out, suddenly finding something more interesting. “Who is Charlotte Waterman?”_

_Doug’s head suddenly shot up; his eyes wide. “No one.”_

_Jack could not help but laugh, eyes scanning the letter. “Dear Douglas,” he laughed. “Douglas?”_

_“That’s my name,” Doug replied dryly._

_“Only your mom calls you that,” Jack joked, clearing his throat as he returned his attention to the letter. “It was so lovely spending time with you in Boston,” he read before looking up at the other man. “What happened in Boston?”_

_“Nothing happened in Boston,” Doug said, reaching to take the letter from Jack’s hand only to have it pulled out of reach._

_“I can’t wait until your next visit. My parents are looking forward to meeting you,” Jack laughed. “When was this written – the 1950’s?”_

_Doug shook his head, unable to hide his smile, this time managing to snatch the letter from Jack’s hand._

_“Come on. I want to know what happened with Charlotte,” Jack protested. “What were her parents like?”_

_“I don’t know. I never met them.”_

_“Why not? What happened?” Jack grinned, enjoying his delve into Doug’s past._

_“Because I never saw Charlotte again,” Doug said simply._

_“Why?”_

_“Are you seriously asking me that?”_

_“So what – you just ghosted her?” Jack said surprised._

_“No, I did not ghost her. I just made up an excuse why I couldn’t visit and did the same the next time. After a while I stopped responding and she stopped asking.”_

_“You ghosted her!” Jack said, eyes wide. “The poor woman probably thought she was going to get married and have Douglas Junior.”_

_“Well, consider it me doing her a favour.”_

_“Wow,” Jack laughed, shaking his head. “When was this?”_

_“A long time ago,” Doug replied. “As far as I know Charlotte is married with a couple of kids now. Moved to Vermont.”_

_“How do you know that?” Jack asked with a grin._

_“My parents know her parents. They send Christmas letters each year.”_

_Jack laughed. “Well, I’m sure Charlotte will feel vindicated when her parents receive this year’s letter.”_

_Doug shook his head, putting the letter in the box he was sorting through. “Could we please go back to looking for the bank letter?”_

_“It’s not in this box,” Jack replied seriously._

_“There’s another box in the closet you can check,” Doug directed, continuing to sift through his box._

_Jack pulled himself up off the floor and made his way over to the closet, opening the door and looking inside. He spotted the box Doug was talking about on the floor but was struck by how empty the space was. There was barely any clothing hanging. Instead of grabbing the box Jack moved to the dresser and opened the drawer, finding it also virtually empty. Glancing back at Doug and seeing he was still distracted by his task, Jack continued to open drawers finding the same thing._

_“Found it!” Doug said. “Thank god for that.”_

_“Huh?” Jack asked, glancing over his shoulder._

_“The letter,” Doug said, holding it up. “I’ve found it.”_

_“Oh right, yeah – that’s great,” Jack replied, suddenly remembering what they were doing._

_Doug looked at him oddly. “What are you doing?”_

_“Nothing,” Jack said, shaking his head._

_“What’s up?” Doug asked, standing from the bed and walking over to Jack._

_“Nothing,” Jack repeated, realising from the look on Doug’s face that he was not going to get away with that. He stepped back to Doug’s closet and opened the door. “It’s empty.”_

_Doug’s eyes scanned the inside of his closet, noticing the same thing Jack had. He could count on one hand how many times he had spent the night in his apartment over the last six months, all of those times with Jack. He dropped in from time to time to grab the occasional thing but otherwise he spent his time at Jack’s house._

_“Do you miss being here?” Jack asked._

_Doug thought about Jack’s question for a second. “No, not really.”_

_“Because we can stay here more often. Or you can if you want to; if you need some space.”_

_“I don’t need space,” Doug smiled, seeing Jack’s mind go into overdrive – the exact reason he had not previously raised the subject. “Do you?”_

_“No. It’s just I know when you first stayed at my place it was a necessity thing,” Jack rambled. “That was months ago.”_

_“I know,” Doug nodded._

_“I know this wasn’t really ever the plan.”_

_“I don’t think we had a plan,” Doug shrugged, wondering if Jack was about to tie himself in knots over this – the realisation that they had been happily living together for months suddenly dawning on him._

_Jack looked at Doug more closely, taking in the completely calm expression on his face. “Are you happy how things are?”_

_“Very,” Doug nodded, reaching out and pulling Jack closer, wrapping his arms around his waist. “Are you?”_

_Jack smiled softly. “I am.”_

_“So you’re happy for me to carry on staying at your house?”_

_Jack shook his head. “I’d rather you carry on living in our house.”_

_Doug leaned in and kissed Jack softly, loving how that sounded. “So what do we do about this place?”_

_“We should probably start by packing up your things and moving them – make it official.”_

_“Where would they go?” Doug asked, looking around at his remaining things._

_“Wherever you want,” Jack shrugged. “It’s your home. You can do whatever you like.”_

_“Okay,” Doug nodded, watching as the reality dawned on Jack’s face._

_“So we’re officially living together?”_

_“I’m not sure that will come as big news to anyone,” Doug laughed. “Just you,” he teased, having wondered how long it would take Jack to catch on, having not wanted to jinx anything by bringing it up. Happy just to continue as things were._

_“I guess time flies when you’re having fun,” Jack teased, kissing Doug a little more firmly, stepping a little closer. “You know, I feel sorry for this apartment.”_

_“Why?” Doug asked, his hands sliding over Jack’s ass._

_“It’s missed out on the majority of the action over the last few months,” Jack grinned, beginning to unbutton Doug’s shirt._

_“We should probably do something about that,” Doug replied, mouth already pressed against Jack’s. “Seems only fair.”_

_“I couldn’t agree more,” Jack agreed, sliding Doug’s shirt down his arm and letting it drop to the floor._

_Doug’s arms took hold of Jack’s body, turning him around, pressing his chest against Jack’s back. His mouth moved to Jack’s neck as his hands roamed the front of Jack’s body, lifting the bottom of his T-shirt, allowing his hands to move over the other man’s firm stomach, keeping his body firmly pressed against him. As Jack tilted his head, allowing Doug’s mouth better access, Doug allowed his hands to wander lower, slipping down over his groin, his fingers stroking Jack through the fabric._

_Jack pushed his head back against Doug’s shoulder, his hands moving to the button of his own jeans, unfastening it eagerly. He found Doug’s hand, lacing their fingers together, moving to the opening of his jeans, pushing Doug’s hand inside, making it clear what he wanted. Doug obliged, his fingers wrapping around Jack; skin to skin, mouth catching Jack’s as he released a moan, kissing him deeply. Keeping an arm wrapped tightly around Jack’s middle, Doug kept him in place as his hand continued to move over him, pushing up against him from behind, enjoying the feeling of Jack’s body squirming in his hold – the mix of sensations driving him crazy._

_“Stay still,” Doug said huskily, his arm rising across Jack’s chest, holding him more securely as his mouth returned to Jack’s, tongue finding the other man’s. He could feel Jack’s body continue to fight itself – unable to decide if should be pushing back against Doug’s body or lean further into Doug’s touch. “Kneel down,” Doug instructed, knowing he needed to get Jack off of his feet, but not willing to give up on his hold just yet._

_Jack nodded slightly as he began to kneel, feeling Doug’s body trace his movements downwards, his hand not once easing up on its movements. Doug knelt between Jack’s legs, ensuring that they remained parted, pushing up against him more forcefully, his arm still wrapped tightly across Jack’s body, keeping him upright. He smiled in approval as Jack reached down and lowered his own jeans and underwear giving Doug move space to move._

_Jack moaned again, feeling Doug’s body pressed up against his bare ass – the roughness of Doug’s clothes rubbing against his skin as he pushed back against him. He reached his hands around behind him, trying to unbutton Doug’s pants, only to find Doug pull his lower body away, mouth travelling down Jack’s neck to the collar of his T-shirt._

_“Patience,” Doug said softly – his mouth hovering over Jack’s ear. He lowered his arm that had been holding Jack; his hand gripping the bottom of Jack’s t-shirt, moving it up Jack’s body, grateful when Jack assisted enough to remove it completely, discarding it on the floor. His hand quickly returned to Jack’s chest, his fingers stroking the smooth skin as he pressed his own chest against his back, forehead resting against the back of Jack’s head, enjoying the closeness, breathing in the scent of the man he knew better than any other._

_Listening to the sound of Jack’s heavy breathing, Doug loosened his hold, bringing his hand back down over his stomach, around his hip, his fingers tracing their way up Jack’s muscular back. His mouth moved down over Jack’s shoulder to the space between his shoulder blades, kissing him. “Move forward,” he instructed, ceasing movement over Jack’s slick length, the hand on his back, moving to his shoulders, gently guiding him forward, taking in the beauty of Jack’s body now bent over in front of him; hands against the ground, his arms braced causing the muscles on his back to tense._

_Doug remained on his knees, pressing up against Jack’s ass firmly, the fabric of his clothing the only thing separating them._

_“Stop teasing,” Jack groaned, eagerly anticipating Doug’s next move._

_Doug moved his hand over Jack’s ass, pausing for a moment while deciding if he wanted to make Jack wait a little longer. Deciding he had teased long enough, he gripped onto Jack’s hip as he push two fingers against Jack’s ring of muscle, pausing only for a second before penetrating, instantly receiving a combination of groan and gasp from the other man. Holding him firmly he moved deeper, twisting and manipulating in preparation for what they both really wanted._

_He watched as Jack lowered his head, pushing back the best he could – Doug’s fingers continuing their manipulation, succeeding in drawing a long, wanting groan from the other man. Doug repeated his movements, receiving a chorus of approval from Jack. Unable to ignore his own arousal any longer, Doug pulled out, quickly unfastening his own pants, pushing them down to his bent knees. Doug’s hands returning to Jack’s hips was the only warning given before Doug pushed himself forward – already slick and wanting. Not quite entering – teasing, wanting a reaction, receiving it almost instantly as Jack pushed back – blocked by Doug’s hold on his hips._

_Jack let out a moan, desperate to feel Doug – needing to be filled. He felt Doug’s hand travel up his back, tracing his spine until it settled between his shoulder blades, gently pushing._

_“Down,” Doug growled through clenched teeth, wanting a better angle._

_Jack did as directed, lowing his upper body, replacing his hands that had been pressed against the ground with his forearms, barely getting his balance before Doug thrust forward, filling him. Jack let out a deep groan, his head pushing back, causing his back to arch, trying desperately to catch his breath, unable to regain any sort of composure before Doug began to move – virtually fully removing himself from Jack before pushing forward again._

_“Fuck!” Jack cried out, quickly repositioning his arms for better stability, just in time for Doug to repeat his movement. Jack felt his whole body shudder, certain in that second that he was about to come, drawing in a sudden deep breath, fighting the urge with everything he had. “Play fair,” he groaned – knowing that Doug knew full well what he was doing._

_His hands back on Jack’s hips, Doug continued to thrust hard and fast, unable to hold back a grin of satisfaction, feeling the ripple of pleasure running through the other man – not caring if neither of them lasted as long as usual, simply enjoying the intensity, turned on by all the memories his apartment held and excited for the experiences leaving it behind promised. This was the room in which he spent many nights dreaming out how Jack’s body would feel wrapped around his own, where he had fantasised about the feel of Jack’s skin pressed against his own – the room he had first experienced how completely his imagination had failed to capture the intensity of Jack in all his forms – the room that had acted as a fresh start for them after Jack’s accident; a place for them to be away from prying eyes. Now just another steppingstone in their story._

_Doug reached around, his hand once against finding Jack’s length, stroking him with an enthusiasm that matched his thrusts – knowing that Jack was close to his peak, begging for release. He powered on, Jack’s moans increasing in frequency and length, pushing back against Doug with a newfound vigor. He watched as the muscles across Jack’s shoulders tensed, his body tightening around him, the air around him becoming filled with the sound of Jack’s cry, feeling heat against his hand as Jack was unable to hold on any longer, his climax visibly rippling through his body as his head dipped, gasping for air._

_Returning his hands to Jack’s hips, Doug straightened up a little, trusting as hard as he could, somehow even faster than before, riding the wave of Jack’s ecstasy, realising this time that the moans and gasps surrounding them were now his own, a hundred memories for Jack and the apartment filling his mind in a flash before it suddenly went blank, Jack’s name spilling desperately out of his mouth as he came – heat radiating through him._

_He gasped for air, rocking against Jack’s body, unwilling to let the feeling go – his hand gently caressing Jack’s back, feeling sweat slick skin and tight muscle. He leant further into the other man, feeling his shaky knees begin to give way, only a moment later causing their bodies to tumble to the floor, both unable to hold back a laugh as they ended up in a sticky heap, legs still tangled in their clothing._

_Jack turned his head, attempting to look at the man flat on top of him – chest pressed into his back. He could feel Doug’s heart pounding against him. He laughed again realising that Doug had no intention of moving. Doug’s hands travelled up Jack’s arms, finding his hands, interlacing their fingers – further fusing their bodies together._

_They remained like that for a while, the air around them filled with the sounds of them trying to regain control over their breathing, Doug unable to resist nuzzling his face into Jack’s hair, breathing him in. He placed a soft kiss on the skin behind Jack’s ear as he lifted his hips, separating his body from Jack’s – receiving a soft mumble of protest as he shifted from Jack’s body._

_“Do you think that was the level of action this apartment has been missing?” Doug asked, wrapping his arms around the other man, keeping him close._

_“I think you’ve made the other house jealous,” Jack replied, laughing._

_“We can have a do over later,” Doug said, kissing Jack’s shoulder._

_“I’m just glad you said my name at the end. I was slightly worried you were thinking about Charlotte.”_

_Doug rolled his eyes, shaking his head, unable to hold back a laugh. “You think you’re so funny.”_

_“I know I’m funny,” Jack corrected. “And I know you think so too.”_

_“God knows why,” Doug groaned._

_Jack rolled over, resting his head on Doug’s chest, finding Doug’s hand and lacing their fingers together. “When did it occur to you that we were living together? Properly living together.”_

_“I don’t know,” Doug shrugged. “Maybe when I had to pack as bag in order to spend the night here,” he joked._

_“We haven’t stayed her for well over a month,” Jack reasoned. “Were you planning on saying anything?”_

_“I didn’t want to jinx it. I wanted to wait until I thought you wouldn’t freak out,” Doug teased. “So maybe in a year or two.”_

_“Now who thinks they’re funny,” Jack rolled his eyes before smiling, kissing Doug softly. “However it happened; I’m glad it did.”_

_Doug nodded, his hand tracing over Jack’s cheek. “Me too.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack quickly glanced down at his watch, hoping that getting caught in traffic in town was not going to make him late for his afternoon classes, relieved to see that he still had plenty of time. He had spent longer than he had planned to at Sarah’s but it had felt good to get some of what he was feeling off his chest. As much as he wanted to believe he could continue pushing the feelings down he knew it was not helping him and it was not fair on Doug. There had been so many occasions over the last few weeks that Jack had almost initiated a meaningful conversation only to find he bailed at the last minute – sometimes not wanting to ruin a nice day, or Doug’s good mood, sometimes not feeling as though he was strong enough to hold it together – mostly not wanting to burden Doug any further with his fears. Already feeling guilty enough for everything he had put him through.

He was lost in thought as he continued down the road, remembering once again why he never used to take that particular route to and from work, hating how much time it added to his journey – all to avoid a particular road. He hated that he was still allowing what happened to impact how he lived his day to day life, even if it was something so trivial – knowing deep down that trivial things had a habit of growing and breeding and birthing things that were not small or trivial anymore. Things that held him back from moving forward.

He was mentally cursing himself when he saw flashing blue and red lights in his mirror; automatically looking down at his dashboard to check his speed, pleased to see that he was safe from receiving another lecture on road safety. He pulled his car over to the side of the quiet road and lowered his window, watching in his mirror as the car behind him pulled up close and Doug climbed out, walking towards him with the same Sheriff swagger that Jack knew and loved.

“Mr. McPhee,” Doug smiled, “What a pleasant surprise.”

“How can I help you, Sheriff?” Jack replied, looking up at him.

“Are you aware than one of my many services to this town is to return truants back to school?”

“I have a note,” Jack replied, smiling as Doug leant down, arms resting on the door, kissing Jack through the open window. 

“Who’s it from – Sarah?” Doug asked.

“What?” Jack replied, confused.

Doug pointed to the passenger seat, noticing a small bag from Sarah’s store. “Did she make you buy something again?” he teased.

“Oh that,” Jack said, feeling a little flustered as though he had been caught visiting Sarah. “No, that’s just some cookies she packed up for this afternoon,” Jack said quickly. “I think she’s trying to feed me up.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” Doug agreed.

“Same as you’re not surprised that I was at Sarah’s to begin with?”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Doug shrugged, feigning innocence.

“You really expect me to believe that Danny was responsible for lunch?”

“It really creeps me out when you call him Danny,” Doug laughed.

“And it amazes me that you think I don’t know you well enough to know that little stunt had your name all over it – your attempt at deflection proving it.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Doug grinned.

“So Danny just happens to know my favourite sandwich?” Jack asked

“I guess so,” Doug said innocently.

“Maybe I’m going home to the wrong officer each night then,” Jack teased, causing Doug to crack.

“Okay, fine,” Doug laughed. “I just used Munroe as a decoy.”

“Well, thank you – I appreciate it,” Jack nodded.

Doug smiled slightly, standing back up straight, a questioningly look on his face. “Why are you here?”

“I thought we just established that I’ve been to see Sarah,” Jack said slightly puzzled.

“I meant on this road,” Doug explained. “This is not the most direct route from town back to the school.”

“I know,” Jack nodded, knowing he was about to lie. “This is the way I prefer to drive.”

“Though traffic, numerous sets of traffic lights and the long way around town?” Doug asked.

“Yes,” Jack said simply, his eyes dipping, not wanting to have to explain himself.

Doug continued looking at him, it slowly dawning on him. “Just today?” he asked. “Or always?”

Jack sighed softly. “Always.”

“Why didn’t you say something before?”

“For the same reason you didn’t just come to the high school and drop off a sandwich – because my bubble of denial is so fragile that any direct acknowledgement of it could cause the earth to stop spinning and the ground to open up and swallow us whole.”

“Well,” Doug said, taking in Jack’s words. “Unless I’m not mistaken you did in fact just acknowledge it and from what I can tell the earth is still spinning and the ground still feels pretty stable to me.”

“Give it time,” Jack said cynically. 

“I get it,” Doug nodded. “You don’t want to talk about everything because you’d rather just forget about it and pretend nothing happened. But maybe ignoring it is what is feeding the anxiety.”

“You’re right,” Jack nodded.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t make me say it again,” Jack laughed, noting Doug’s expression.

“Humour me. I imagine it will be a long time before I hear those words come out of your mouth again.”

“There’s good reason for that,” Jack groaned. “But this time; this once – you’re right. We do need to talk about this. I want to.”

“Okay,” Doug nodded, looking back at Jack in anticipation.

“Not here though,” Jack laughed.

“Right,” Doug nodded, remembering that they were stood on the side of the road.

“I have to get back to work,” Jack said. “But later this evening. Okay?”

“Okay,” Doug nodded again, watching as Jack turned the key and started the engine.

“And you know, there are ways to get my attention other than pulling me over?”

“But this is usually the most effective,” Doug joked

“It’s an abuse of power,” Jack shook his head.

“I’m just trying to keep you in check.”

“Good luck with that,” Jack grinned, slowly pulling his car away from the curb, waving as he drove away. “Go harass some criminals.”

“Well that was unexpected,” Doug mumbled, unable to hide his smile as he headed back to his car.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_At first the thought of returning to work had excited Jack. It had been one of the few things keeping him going. He had spent the summer days while Doug was working sat out on the back deck of his house putting together lesson plans and re-reading his teaching material, concerned that maybe some of it had been lost from his mind following the accident, relieved when the words on the pages came back to life more easily than the return of the majority of his memories._

_Towards the end of the summer he had spent some time in his classroom, trying to reacquaint himself with one of the places he had always felt most at home – now feeling the nerves that had not been there since his first few days teaching. He suddenly remembered all the things that had scared him – worried that he was out of practice, that he would forget what he was doing, that the pressure of everyone’s eyes on him would be too much._

_Just like when he had started out, he decided the best course of action was to plan everything thoroughly – not let anything come as a surprise. He carefully selected his reading list, choosing to start the year with something simple, hoping it would give him time to build his confidence. He spent hours reading the texts out loud, trying to ensure the words would come when he wanted them._

_He did not want his students to pick up his anxiety; not wanting to make his difficulties knows – simply wanting to pick up where he left off as though the accident never happened. He just wanted to be Mr. McPhee the English teacher – not the teacher who had a car accident, not the teacher that was rumoured to be living with the town sheriff, not the teacher that was struggling to cope. But as the day grew closer, the more uneasy he felt – unable to sleep night before; spending the morning trying to dodge concerned looks from Doug._

_He had hoped that his first class would be teaching freshman, looking forward to a clean slate – students more nervous than he was, but fate handed him a sophomore that he had taught the year before. He stood next to his desk, watching them all file in, many of them smiling warmly upon seeing him – clearly having been unsure if he would be returning._

_“Welcome back,” he said warmly, feeling his heart pounding in his chest – twenty-five sets of eyes staring back at him. “I hope you all had a good summer.”_

_There was some nodding of heads; a faint ripple of confirmation._

_“Is it too much to hope that you read something over the summer?”_

_This time he was faced with groans, clearly indicating that their summer had not been as productive as his._

_“I can’t say I’m surprised,” he smiled, picking up a pile of books from his desk, placing a few on each of the front desks. “I guess we should get to work then. Please take a book and pass the rest back.”_

_He turned away from his class, taking a deep breath; trying to ignore the looks being shared amongst the class – clearly having expected him to address the accident that had prevented him from finishing the previous academic year._

_“Of Mice and Men,” he said, turning back to them. “Steinbeck. Anyone read it?” He glanced over his sea of students, not surprised when nobody raised their hand. “Well then, you can all experience it for the first time together.”_

_“Right now?” One of the students asked, having expected some of Jack’s trademark chatter._

_“Is there a problem with that?”_

_“No,” the boy replied quickly. “I just thought…” he trailed off._

_“This is no longer freshman English. We have work to do,” Jack said simply, opening the book in his hands to the first page, resting back against the edge of his desk, hoping the class would not see his hands shake._

_He took a deep breath, not looking up from the page, beginning to read the lines that he had virtually memorised over recent weeks. “A few miles south of Soledad, the S…” he took another breath, trying to shrug off his stammer. “Salinas River drops in close to the hillside bank and runs deep and green. The water is warm too, for it has slipped tw…” Another deep breath, “twinkling over the yellow sands in the s…” Jack’s mind raced, feeling his frustration grow, feeling his cheeks begin to burn. He knew these words. He had rehearsed them so many times that even Doug could have taught the class. “sunlight,” he managed, trying to continue. “before reaching the narrow pool.”_

_His eyes scanned the next few lines, trying to preempt which words were going to catch him out, knowing that there was no real rhyme or reason to it._

_“Are you okay?” one of the girls in the front row asked, her voice sincere and full of concern._

_“I’m fine,” Jack nodded, his eyes still scanning the text – the words becoming a jumble on the page, making him feel dizzy. He took a deep breath, looking up at the expectant eyes in front of him. “Actually, no – that’s not true.” He put the book down on his desk and stood up. “I planned to come in here today and carry on as though nothing happened, but I realise now that that won’t work. And you deserve better than that.”_

_His class all stared back at him, wondering if they should say something._

_“The truth is that I am probably just as anxious as you all are about returning to school today, but I am really glad to be here. There may be moments that you notice that I may struggle to get my words out or may not remember a particular event that happened last year, but as time goes on that should get better,” he explained, feeling exposed. “I want you to feel confident that nothing else has changed. I am still the same teacher I was last year and plan to mark your assignment with the same tough love you’re used to.”_

_The class all laughed slightly, relieved that Jack had broken the tension._

_“I’m assuming you probably have some questions,” Jack said, knowing that they were holding back._

_“Is it true you nearly died?” One girl asked._

_“You really dived right in there,” Jack laughed. “The short answer is yes,” he nodded. “From all accounts it seems as though I was very lucky. Apparently most people that are hit by a truck don’t live to tell the tale.”_

_“How long were you in hospital? Is it true you were in a coma?”_

_Jack took a deep breath, sitting back further on his desk, letting his legs hang over the edge. “Yes, it’s true. I was placed in a coma for about a week. I was in hospital for a month in total.”_

_“Do you have scars?” one boy asked._

_“Yes,” Jack laughed. “Though maybe not as impressive as you’d think.”_

_“Did you really lose your memory?”_

_“Yes and no,” Jack answered. “I remember most things. The few months leading up to the accident are a little sketchy.”_

_“Did you remember giving me an A for my midterm?” another boy asked._

_“Do you remember me giving you an A in your midterm?” Jack asked. “Because if you do you may want to question your understanding of the difference between reality and fantasy.”_

_The class laughed, realising that the teacher they had all grown to respect really had not changed._

_“One more question and then we really do need to give Steinbeck some attention,” Jack smiled, picking the book back up from his desk, waiting for someone to speak._

_The class were all throwing glancing at one another, looking for the person brave enough to ask the question they all wanted to know the answer to._

_“Anyone?” Jack asked, noticing the looks._

_“Is it true,” one girl asked cautiously, “that you were in a secret relationship with the sheriff?”_

_The room went silent – shocked that she had been brave enough to ask, but also desperately wanting to hear Jack’s answer._

_Jack looked back at them, his cheeks turning red, completely lost for words. That was not the type of question he had been expecting. Twenty-five sets of eyes stared back at him, all wanting to know the answer to the question, clearly having spent months speculating. “So, Steinbeck,” Jack said reopening the book, receiving a wave of groans as well as a couple of wolf whistles. “Of Mice and Men – first published in 1937. The tale of two displaced ranch workers,” he continued. “Mr. Matthews, could you please begin reading from page one.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack sat down at his desk, leaning back in his chair, phone pressed against his ear as he listened to Jen at the other end of the line trying to convince Amy to settle down with a toy and a snack so she could talk.

“She knows I’m talking to you,” Jen said, finally succeeding in her attempts. “She misses you.”

“You can tell her that I’ll come and visit again soon. No doubt weighed down by the usual pile of gifts.” 

“She loves you, not the gifts.”

“I know.”

“Don’t get me wrong – the gifts help,” Jen joked. “But she loves you and Doug making a fuss of her.”

“Like mother like daughter,” Jack laughed. “I’m sorry to call now – I don’t think I’ll get a chance later.”

“Plans for a romantic evening for two?”

“Something like that,” Jack replied with a smile. “With an added helping of Pacey.”

“Oh no,” Jen laughed. “Can’t you cancel that part?”

“It would probably be a little rude considering he was the one to suggest dinner,” Jack reasoned. 

“I’m sure he’d understand.”

“No, I’m sure it will be nice. I’ve not seen much of Pacey recently.” 

“How does Doug feel about sharing you with his brother?”

“Excuse me,” Jack said disapprovingly. “There is no ‘sharing’ going on.”

“Good to know.”

“I think Pacey was preempting an emotional meltdown over today.” 

“Yours or Doug’s?”

“Either, I guess,” Jack shrugged. “I think he was trying to offer up a distraction.”

“Do you need a distraction?” Jen asked, not having had a chance to ask Jack how he was coping with the anniversary.

“From thinking about the accident? No, I don’t think so.”

“What else would you need a distraction from?”

“Nothing,” Jack said quickly. “Nothing. Everything is good.”

“You know when you say things like that I get very suspicious,” Jen replied. “You have never said that ‘everything is good’. Even when things really have been good. Why do I get the feeling something else is going on?”

“Like what?”

“I don’t know. You tell me.”

“Jen, I know that you are longing for me to let you in on some juicy secret, or confess that I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown or something, but everything really is good.”

“There goes my suspicions again,” Jen joked.

“Seriously,” Jack laughed. “I’m fine. As much as I was dreading today, it’s so far turning out to be fine. I don’t want this to be a big deal every year.”

“How do you plan to break the cycle?” she asked.

“By stopping it before it becomes a cycle,” Jack said simply. “I have decided to take my destiny into my own hands.”

“Taking your destiny into your own hands?” Jen questioned. “What exactly does that mean? If you’re planning on making major changes in your life please make sure you’re doing them for the right reasons and not just to prove a point.”

“I think it’s time to face my fears and finally move on – make some long lasting changes,” Jack said simply. 

“You’re making me nervous,” she replied. “What are you planning?”

“I have everything under control.”

“Please call me before getting a tattoo,” she joked.

“I am calling you now,” he grinned. “I was thinking of getting a neck tattoo.”

“What have you chosen – the Chinese symbol for ‘survivor’?”

“How did you know?” Jack laughed. “I think it will look great.”

“It would almost be worth it for the look on Doug’s face when he sees it,” she laughed.

“I’ll make sure to film it.”

“That’s all I ask,” Jen said, pausing for a moment, waiting to see if Jack was about to start confessing anything. “You really are fine, aren’t you?”

“Better than this time last year,” Jack replied, grateful to not have any memory of that first week. The scars were enough.

“I can’t believe it was a year ago. It feel like only last week,” Jen said, remembering her emotional drive from New York, unsure what she would find when she arrived.

“And yet it also feels like a lifetime ago,” Jack added.

“I know what you mean.”

“It’s been some year.”

“Nothing puts things into perspective quite like a near death experience.”

“You can say that again,” Jack laughed. “I hope to never have another one.”

“I think we would all be okay with that,” Jen agreed. “I don’t think my heart is strong enough to take it.”

“You’re not the only one,” Jack said, glancing down at his watch. “On that note, I really should be getting going. I’ll call again tomorrow when I have a little more time.”

“I see,” Jen sighed dramatically, “I’m falling lower on your list.”

“Give Amy and Grams a kiss from me.”

“I will,” Jen said, smile evident in her voice. “Enjoy tonight.”

“I will,” Jack smiled, feeling butterflies in this stomach. “I think it’s just what we need.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_Jack had known within minutes of being in the car that they were headed back to the cabin for their anniversary. Knowing that Doug wanted it to be a surprise like it had been the first time, Jack tried to play along, but after a while it became obvious to Doug that Jack’s memory of the journey was no longer a lost one. It was something that had taken Jack by surprise when he realised he could picture the cabin and the area around it – excited to test his memory a little more to see if the pictures he had in his head were correct._

_“I’m glad I have a few other surprises arranged for this weekend,” Doug had joked, realising that their destination was no longer one of them._

_Jack tried to ignore the uneasy feeling; tried to push aside the memory of his conversation with Sarah and how difficult he had found it to find an anniversary gift for Doug that felt appropriate – each of his suggestions getting shot down by Sarah, the look of disapproval growing each time. All he really wanted was a relaxing weekend with Doug. He did not care about the location or gifts. He just wanted something simple, not wanting to make a big deal about everything, not wanting the passing of a year to suddenly put more pressure on things. He liked how they were._

_Walking into the cabin he was pleased to see that it matched up with his memories – just as beautiful as he had remembered._

_“No work this weekend,” Doug had said, leading him to the couch, knowing full well that Jack had snuck some marking into his bag. He kissed him before encouraging him to sit. “I just want you to relax and have a nice time.”_

_“I’m pretty sure this is your anniversary too,” Jack smiled, pulling Doug down with him. “So shouldn’t you be relaxing too?”_

_“I will,” Doug nodded, kissing him again, his face lingering next to Jack’s for a few moments, not wanting to pull away. “I just want to get everything perfect first.”_

_“Everything feels pretty perfect to me,” Jack said simply, hands holding onto Doug’s arms, keeping him in place._

_“I need to get a fire going before we freeze.”_

_“I seem to remember the last time we were here we found other ways to keep warm,” Jack reminded._

_“Last time we were here was not the middle of winter.”_

_“Last time we were here you brought me cookies,” Jack grinned._

_“How do you remember that and not other things?” Doug laughed._

_“Because it involved cookies,” Jack said simply. “The good kind with the little marshmallows.”_

_“You’re such a kid,” Doug said shaking his head, getting up off the couch and making his way to the fireplace, grabbing a couple of logs._

_“Snacks are important,” Jack argued._

_“So I’ve realised,” Doug said, continuing with his task, briefly glancing over his shoulder towards Jack. “Check my bag.”_

_“What?” Jack said, a faint smile growing on his face, hoping he was understanding correctly._

_“Look in my bag,” Doug directed again. “On the table.”_

_Jack jumped off the couch and grabbed Doug’s bag from the table. “If I don’t find cookies in here I’m going to walk back to Capeside.”_

_“Just look,” Doug laughed, watching Jack as he unzipped the bag and found them._

_“I don’t think I have ever loved you more.”_

_“I’m suddenly realising that we could have stayed in Capeside this weekend and as long you go got those cookies you would have been just as happy as you are right now,” Doug said, returning his attention to the fireplace._

_“You’ll know for next time,” Jack smiled. “I don’t need grand gestures,” he added, pulling the cookies from the top of Doug’s bag, something else catching his eye, making his blood run cold. He glanced up at Doug, his back turned, still working on the fire before returning his eyes to the thing that he wished had stayed hidden. Glancing back to Doug once more to ensure he was skill focused on getting the fire going, Jack carefully reached into the bag, wanting to be sure he was right, already knowing without a doubt that the small paper bag he had seen was from Sarah’s store. His fingers barely grazed the bag, feeling a box hidden by the paper, when his attention was pulled back by Doug’s voice._

_He looked up, his eyes meeting Doug’s, panic on his face, suddenly realising he had no idea what Doug had just said._

_“Matches?” Doug said again, saving him from having to ask him to repeat himself. “Are they on the table?”_

_“Matches,” Jack repeated back, still staring back at Doug. “On the table,” he mumbled, finally realising that he needed to actually look. “Yes,” he said, quickly grabbing them, holding them up. “Here.”_

_“Could I have them?” Doug laughed, wondering what had got into Jack._

_“Right,” Jack said, shaking his head. “For the fire,” he said, walking back over to Doug, handing him the box._

_“Are you okay?” Doug asked, looking at Jack questioningly._

_“Me?” Jack said, still flustered, his mind racing. “I’m fine.”_

_Doug looked at him a little more closely. “You don’t look fine.”_

_“I think I just need some air,” Jack said, trying to think of any excuse to leave the room. “I’m just going to…” he trailed off, walking towards the door, opening it, suddenly wishing he had made an excuse to go somewhere warmer. “Outside,” was all he managed to say before walking out, closing the door behind him._

_The cold air hit him hard, knocking him back to his senses – yet still the adrenaline fuelled panic raced through him. His mind went back to his conversation with Sarah in the store, wondering if maybe she knew more than she had been letting on. Simply thinking back to that day he could feel the cool mental wrapped around his finger, only now it felt as though his skin was burning, certain that if he looked down he would find a ring of red. He could feel his heart pounding as he tried to steady his breathing – trying to figure out why he was reacting the way he was._

_He loved Doug. He was certain of it. He had never been more sure of anything. When he pictured his future he knew without doubt that it included Doug, so what was the problem? The very thought of labelling what they had, trying to make it fit into the confines of tradition and pledges – all the things he knew Doug was made for, made him want to run in the opposite direction. He was happy with how things were. He was happy with things being however they wanted them to be – not wanting to be tied to definitions and rules. He suddenly felt claustrophobic – even the outdoors feeling too confining for him._

_He stepped down off of the porch, looking around, no idea where he was going to go. Wishing he had thought to grab his coat before walking out the door. Not willing to go back inside until he had managed to pull himself together, refusing to let Doug see him like this. Refusing to cause any hurt due to his pathological fear of being asked to declare his commitment for the world to see – suddenly realising that the commitment itself was not the real issue, rather the declaration of it. The pressure of the promise of forever on something that he already hoped would last._

_“Jack, it’s freezing out here,” Doug said, opening the door, startling him. “What are you doing?”_

_“Nothing,” Jack said quickly, turning back to face the other man. “I just needed some air.”_

_Doug was taken aback by the lack of colour in Jack’s cheeks, trying to shake the images of Jack in the hospital from his mind. He quickly moved to Jack, shocked that anyone that pale could still be standing upright. “You’re freezing,” he said, taking hold of Jack’s hand. “Come back inside.”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head. “I can’t.”_

_“What do you mean, you can’t?” Doug asked. “What’s wrong?”_

_“I know you’ve put a lot of thought and effort into this weekend and I appreciate it – I really do, but I think maybe this is all a little too much.”_

_“I don’t understand. It’s just a weekend away – just like we’ve done before.”_

_“Just with more expectation.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Doug asked, growing more concerned._

_“I like things how they are,” Jack said simply. “I don’t want anything to change.”_

_“Why would anything change?”_

_“I get that you want to do something special to mark our anniversary but I really don’t need all of this.”_

_“Jack, I think you just need to relax a little. We’ve both had a busy couple of months. I just thought it would be nice to get away for a bit.”_

_“I know. But why this weekend? Why not next weekend?”_

_“Because this weekend is out anniversary,” Doug said questioningly, wondering for a moment if maybe he had got it wrong. “Isn’t it?”_

_“Yes,” Jack said, shaking his head. “It is. I just mean that I don’t need all of this.”_

_“Okay,” Doug laughed, still unsure what was going on. “I get it. Next year we’ll just stay home and I’ll buy you a ton of cookies.”_

_“Just one pack is fine,” Jack said, smiling slightly. “No need to go overboard.”_

_“Okay, one pack. With the mini marshmallows,” Doug nodded. “Now we’ve sorted that out could you please come back inside. “I have the fire going. You can warm up.”_

_Jack nodded, allowing Doug to lead him by the hand, walking back up the steps towards the door, suddenly stalling before making it inside. “Wait,” he said, “I have to know.” He looked at Doug’s questioning expression, wondering if he was going to be able to get the words out. “What is in the bag from Sarah’s store?”_

_Doug’s expression became more confused before his eyes suddenly widened, glancing over his shoulder back into the cabin before returning his eyes to Jack. “You weren’t supposed to see that.”_

_“But I did see it,” Jack said simply._

_“Well pretend you didn’t.”_

_“I can’t,” Jack said, growing more nervous._

_“It’s supposed to be a surprise.”_

_“I don’t want a surprise,” Jack shaking his head. “I’m not going back inside unless you promise to leave it in your bag. Forget it’s there and when we get back to Capeside you can take it back to Sarah, get your money back and we can carry on as we are.”_

_Doug looked at Jack completely stunned. “Did you look in the bag?”_

_“No,” Jack said quickly. “And I don’t want to.”_

_“Can we please have this conversation inside?” Doug pleaded, still unsure what was going on._

_“Promise me you’ll return it to Sarah.”_

_“No,” Doug said, shaking his head. “I’m not agreeing to that.”_

_“Doug, I am begging you. Please.”_

_“I don’t know if it’s the cold, or maybe you need to eat one of those cookies, but you are making no sense,” Doug said, once again trying to pull Jack in the direction of the door. “Sarah said you would be resistant but I didn’t think you’d threaten to give yourself hypothermia.”_

_“So why buy it if you knew I wouldn’t want you to?” Jack asked, confused as to what Doug had been thinking, wondering what Sarah had told him._

_“Because it’s our anniversary and I love you. I wanted to get you something that showed that.”_

_“It’s really not necessary.”_

_“I wanted get you something to mark the day,” Doug persisted._

_“So why not buy something you know I’d be okay with?”_

_“Like cookies?” Doug laughed – wondering how he managed to get this so wrong._

_“Yes, like cookies. I like cookies. I know what cookies mean.”_

_“And what exactly do cookies mean?”_

_“They mean, ‘Hey, it’s been a great year. I’m looking forward to the next one. Want to eat cookies with me?’”_

_Doug could not help but laugh, shaking his head. “Okay, fine. You win. The cookies are your gift. Happy now?”_

_“No,” Jack shook his head, beginning to shiver from the cold. “Because I know that’s not true, and if I come back inside, you’re going to be your usual amazing self, you’re going to lure me into bed and when I let my guard down you’re going to try and give me that real gift – you won’t be able to resist.”_

_“Lure you into bed?” Doug laughed. “You don’t usually need encouragement.”_

_“You know what I’m saying.”_

_“Jack, a solid five minutes have passed without me having a clue what you’ve been talking about,” Doug laughed. “I’m sorry, okay, I went to Sarah for some advice, and this is what she suggested.”_

_“This is all because Sarah suggested it?” Jack said, stunned that Doug thought it was a good enough reason._

_“Yes, she said you look at that damn watch every time you go into the store. I purposely didn’t pick it up from her until last night so you wouldn’t notice that it was gone. She said you’d be mad that I spent so much money but to tell you she gave me a discount because she knew how much you loved it.”_

_Jack stared back at Doug, suddenly feeling very confused. “A watch?” he asked._

_“Yes,” Doug said, feeling a headache coming on. “The one with the leather strap that you said you would never buy for yourself.”_

_“You bought me that watch?” Jack said, equal parts stunned and touched, a small smile growing on his face._

_“Yes,” Doug said again, suddenly very confused. “What did you think it was?”_

_Jack laughed slightly, too relieved to feel embarrassed – his hand rubbing over his face. “You got me a watch,” he said again. “From Sarah’s store.”_

_Doug watched in confusion as Jack exhaled, walking past him and back into the cabin, not even looking back to see if Doug was following. “What did you think it was?” Doug said again, walking back inside and closing the door – grateful that the fire was going. He studied Jack’s expression; now much calmer, as it suddenly dawned on him. “Did you think it was a ring?” he asked, unable to keep the smile from his face._

_Jack picked up the cookies he had abandoned on the table and took them over to the couch, sitting down. Not saying a word. Watching as Doug traced his footsteps, dropping down in front of him in the couch._

_“You did, didn’t you?” Doug laughed._

_“No comment,” Jack replied, a slight blush forming on his cheeks._

_Doug sat staring him for a moment, his head titled slightly, trying to take in what was going on. “You would have said no,” Doug said simply – no hint of an accusation._

_“No,” Jack protested. “That’s not true.”_

_“Really?” Doug laughed, not even sure if it was actually funny. “So you would have said yes?”_

_“No,” Jack said again. “I never would have let you get to the point that there was a question to be answered.”_

_“You don’t want to marry me?” Doug asked, his tone teasing._

_“I don’t want to marry anyone.”_

_“Oh, that’s okay then,” Doug laughed._

_“What does it matter? You weren’t going to ask anyway,” Jack reasoned_

_“Not today,” Doug agreed. “But one day maybe.”_

_“When?” Jack said, his face becoming serious again._

_“Could you please just breathe,” Doug shook his head. “It’s not imminent. Not after what I just saw.”_

_“I just like things how they are.”_

_“You made that quite clear.”_

_“I just don’t feel the need to complicate things. I love you. I want to be with you.”_

_“Good to know,” Doug joked. “It was beginning to seem like you weren’t sure.”_

_“What we have is enough for me. Getting married is just so…” Jack tried to think what he was trying to say. “Permanent.”_

_“Wow,” Doug laughed. “Are you aware that you’re broken inside?”_

_“Broken?” Jack asked, also laughing._

_“Yes,” Doug persisted. “Were you always like this or is this a side effect or the crash?”_

_“No, I’ve always been like this,” Jack smiled, watching as the smile grew on Doug’s face._

_“Good to know,” he nodded._

_“Is there any chance we could just pretend the last twenty minutes never happened?” Jack asked. “That I never looked in your bag and made a wildly incorrect assumption?”_

_Doug thought for a moment. “That depends.”_

_“On what?”_

_“If you’ll allow me to go back to my being my usual amazing self, lure you into bed, and just when you’ve lowered your guard, give you an incredibly stunning watch that I bought for you to show you how much I love you?”_

_Jack smiled, grateful that Doug had not taken too much offense from his outburst. “I have one condition.”_

_“Name it,” Doug smiled._

_“I get to bring the cookies.”_

_“Deal,” Doug grinned, taking Jack’s hand and pulling him up off the couch, pulling him close, kissing him softly. “Happy anniversary.”_

_“Happy anniversary,” Jack sighed, kissing Doug once more, quickly grabbing the pack of cookies as he felt Doug pulling him towards the bedroom._

_“You’re such an idiot,” Doug laughed._

_“Trust me; I know.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It had never been Jack’s intention to avoid the road completely. It had not been a conscious decision the first time. The first time he had driven back to the school he had needed to pass through town for something. It simply made more sense to go the alternative route. The next time he simply found himself replicating the journey, not minding that it took longer as he was not in a rush. The third time he was more aware of his decision but was unable to convince himself that it was something that needed to be altered – not wanting to give it too much thought.

Before long a week had passed, then a month – a whole semester, and as frustrated as Jack was about often being stuck in traffic, he could not bring himself to take the route that he knew was quieter and more direct. On a few occasions he purposely left home later than usual, hoping the thought of being late to work would be enough to jolt him off of autopilot and allow him to break the routine he found himself in, but still it did not work. The longer it went on, the greater the anxiety grew about something he had previously not given much thought to. 

Beyond the initial memory of the accident that had returned to him in the hospital, nothing else had come back to him. He did not know if that was because there was nothing else to remember or if his brain was protecting him for the horror of what happened. Jack was scared that driving down that road would bring back memories he was not ready to deal with – in the same way that sometimes the way Doug looked at him or touched him suddenly brought back an ocean of loving memories – the intensity often so great that it floored him. The last place he wanted to be when memories of the accident flooded back to him was driving back down that road. 

He knew that it was unlikely for any memories of the accident to come back to him. It had been weeks since he had remembered anything new – his memories feeling more secure and stable than they had before. He no longer felt as though there were any holes that needed to be filled – unsure if that was actually true, but no longer nervous of having conversations with people and blanking on events from the past. No longer nervous of meeting someone and not remembering who they were. 

It was now just another part of his denial. Not wanting to accept that in that very spot his life could have ended. In that very spot, Doug could have seen him for the last time. He did not want to think about the scene that Doug had inadvertently stumbled across that morning. He did not want to think of the terror that Doug must have felt – knowing that if their roles had been reversed he would not have been able to hold it together. Just the thought of it turning his stomach. 

He had been able to think of little else all afternoon since Doug had pulled him over on his way back to school, realising that the first step in moving forward was seizing the power back that road still had over him. He knew he no longer had the luxury of avoidance. If he really wanted the closure he craved then he needed to stop making excuses and finally do what should have been done months before. But the closer he got to the road the more anxious he felt. The tighter his grip grew on the steering wheel – the more upright he sat. He felt his heart pounding as he took the left turn off of the main road, knowing there was no going back now.

He took a couple of deep breaths, his eyes scanning the view in front of him – wondering why he was surprised that nothing seemed to have changed. Shaking his head slightly as he remembered that this was Capeside. Nothing ever changed. He hoped that driving in the reverse direction to that in which he had been headed at the time of the crash would be enough of a difference to trick his mind into believing that he was somewhere completely different, but as if his body remembered the trauma of impact, his felt his body begin to tense, knowing that after one more bend in the road he would be where he was pretty sure everything happened. 

He took another deep breath, his knuckles white as he steered around the final bend, his heart pounding more quickly in his chest when his eyes fell on a police car parked at the side of the road – trying to figure out if it was really there or a figment of his overactive imagination. As he drove closer he realised that the car was one that he knew well and most definitely there. Confused as to why Doug was parked up at the side of the road, he began to slow, watching as Doug opened his door and climbed out as he approached. He slowly pulled in in front of Doug’s car, eyes fixed on the other man – seemingly unable to move as he watched Doug walk towards him, neglecting to either turn off the engine or lower the window. 

Doug reached out and gently opened Jack’s door, noticing how his hands were still tightly holding the steering wheel. Jack’s eyes stared back at him, filled with a thousand questions before he gently started to shake his head. Doug did his best to smile back reassuringly, not wanting Jack to know that inside he felt just as anxious as Jack looked. Reaching into the car, he turned the key in the ignition – plunging them into a still silence that was very different to the last time they were both together on that road. 

“What are you doing here?” Jack finally asked, still wondering if he was hallucinating the whole scene in front of him.

“I had a feeling you may be passing this way,” Doug said softly. “I wanted to be here just in case.”

Jack stared back at him, unsure what to do. He had not planned to stop – planning to keep driving and leave it all behind him. He had not prepared himself mentally for anything more than that.

“Come take a walk with me,” Doug said knowingly, reaching out his hand in offering.

“Why don’t we just go home?”

“Because I want to show you something,” Doug said simply, his hand still outstretched. “It won’t take long.”

“And you have to show me today?” Jack asked.

“Today is just a normal day like any other,” Doug replied, a nervous smile on his face.

Jack sighed, hating that Doug was using his own words against him. Reaching down, he unfasted his seatbelt, twisting in his seat before taking Doug’s hand, using it to help climb out of the car. Moving Jack away from the car enough to be able to close the door, Doug held onto his hand tightly – remembering how desperately he had wanted to do the same thing exactly a year before. The sound of ambulance doors closing and separating them echoed through his mind.

Still holding onto Jack’s hand, Doug led him across the road to the grass verge on the other side. They stood with their backs to the road, Jack looking questioningly at Doug as his eyes remained fixed ahead. Jack did not want to ask the question that was running through his mind on loop – knowing there was only one logical reason for Doug to have brought him to this exact spot.

“This is where your car was when I arrived,” Doug said simply as though he was reading Jack’s thoughts. “It’s all a little blurry in my head. Nothing was really making sense. As far as I was concerned you were at work – finish your meeting; starting you first class. In my mind you were exactly where you were supposed to be. Then when I saw your car it was like the whole world came crashing down. Everything stopped.”

Jack did not know what to say. Unsure if Doug expected him to say anything. He held onto Doug’s hand a little more tightly, hoping Doug understood.

“I have attended the scene of many car crashes. I’ve seen a lot of things in my line of work that I wish I had never seen – people having the worst day of their life; people on the last day of their life. But what I saw that day – the image of you – pale and lifeless,” Doug shook his head, able to picture it so clearly. “Nothing will ever beat that. No matter how many more awful things I see – that image will always be the worst. And I doubt it will ever fade. It was the moment that I thought I’d lost you before I had even really been able to call you mine.”

Jack could not help but smile softly – as awful as Doug’s words were, his tone was soft, somehow removing some of the anxiety he had been feeling. But Jack knew that Doug had struggled greatly, inflicted with the memories that Jack thankfully did not have. 

“Little did I know that over the following few weeks I would have that feeling again – more than once,” Doug said, forcing a laugh, shaking his head, trying not to get choked up. “In the hospital; the moment I thought you weren’t going to make it, and then again when you woke up and looked at me like I was a stranger,” he shook his head again, this time unable to stop the tears from escaping. “I felt like the universe was punishing me over and over. Every time I got a little hope it was stolen away again. And then all the times I watched you struggling, not knowing how to help – it’s been excruciating. If I could have traded placed with you I would have. Every single day.”

“Doug,” Jack said, unsure what he was going to say next – simply wanting to find something to ease Doug’s pain. Realising he did not have the words to do that – that he may never have the words to do that, he squeezed Doug’s hand, moving a little closer until his shoulder was pressed against the other man’s.

“I came back here for the first time a week or two after the accident. To this exact spot. It was the point that I had hit rock bottom. I couldn’t think straight. Everything just felt so overwhelming. The simple act of breathing without you seemed impossible,” Doug confessed, his tears still falling – trying to focus on the feel of Jack’s body pressed against his side. “I hadn’t planned to come here but there seemed something fitting in coming back to the very spot where my life had felt like it ended. But sitting here, on this bank, something changed. Don’t ask me to explain it because I don’t think I can – but I got this feeling, this sudden burst of energy, and though I didn’t want to believe it, something inside of me started to believe that everything was going to be okay.”

Letting go of Doug’s hand, Jack looped his arm around Doug’s back – hand resting on his waist, holding him close. He leaned in, resting his head on Doug’s shoulder, realising that his silence on the subject of the accident had in turn forced Doug’s silence – his words now pouring out of him.

“Since that day I have been back here numerous times. Every time things felt too hard, or you tried to push me away, or I simply felt like I was not equipped to help you. I would come here; sit on the verge and feel myself be recharged a little.”

“Why have you never told me that?” Jack asked.

“Because the more I came here the more guilty I felt about everything.”

“Guilty?” Jack asked, raising his head from Doug’s shoulder. “What do you have to feel guilty about?”

“The more I came here. The more I sat here thinking about everything, the more I realised something that has been really difficult to come to terms with.”

Jack looked at Doug more closely, noticing how his eyes dipped, unable to look at him. He turned to face him, his hands moving to Doug’s sides, holding him softly. “You can tell me.”

“Jack, that day changed my life,” Doug said simply. “The crash and the days that followed – as awful as they were, they had a bigger impact on me than anything else ever has. As much I would like to be able to stand here and tell you that even without everything that happened we would still be together and happy; I just don’t know if that is true. I don’t think I was ready to be the person you needed. The man you deserved. I think you would have been waiting too long for me to get there. But that day – seeing you – knowing how close I was to losing you,” Doug roughly wiped the tears from his face. “That day was like the first day of the rest of my life. I knew what was important to me. All the things that you had said; all the things we had argued about – I knew it was all true. I knew who I needed to be if I wanted to keep you. And for the first time I wanted to be that man – in its entirety. No matter what people may think of me.”

Jack leaned forward, forehead resting against Doug’s, not wanting to say a word, trying to hide his own tears – remembering all the pain that had come before the accident.

“I loved you – I’ve always loved you. I never doubted that, but I don’t know if I could have been strong enough to tell the world. I hate that it took this to make me realise how stupid and selfish I was. I hate how I felt about myself back then. That I was not comfortable enough with who I was to be honest.”

Jack placed his hand on Doug’s cheek, feeling the track of his tears, pulling back a little so he could see him more clearly. His thumb stroked over Doug’s cheek as he kissing him softly. “I know.”

Doug looked back at Jack, stunned by the understanding in his eyes – his heart swelling with the realisation of the gift Jack had given him. “I’m sorry.”

“Doug, you’re not that man anymore,” Jack reasoned.

“Still I feel guilty every day that I wake up and I still have you because I know that it is only possible because of what happened. And it shouldn’t have taken that. I nearly lost you in the accident. I know everything you went through. Everything you’re still going through. I wish more than anything that I could erase that, but at the same time I know I owe everything to that day. And I will always feel guilty that you had to go through all of that before I could make the changes I had needed to make for a long time.”

Jack shook his head. “We went through it,” he corrected softly. “Not just me. You may not have been in the accident, or been in the hospital, but that doesn’t mean it had any less of an impact on you.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Why does it have to be same?” Jack asked. “You say that you don’t think we would have made it this far – that you wouldn’t have become the man I needed? Well, it’s a two way street. I was not exactly a finished product myself,” he laughed slightly. “I had more changing to do than either of us realised, and it’s taken me longer to get there than I’m proud of, but I think we’re getting close.”

“You think so?” Doug smiled.

“I’m sure we’ll look back in another year’s time and realise we still have a long way to go but the important thing is that we do it together, right?”

Doug nodded, leaning forward and kissing Jack softly. 

“I don’t care what the reason is for you becoming who you are now. I don’t care if it’s the result of the accident or not. I don’t care how we got here. I’m just glad we did.” 

“I feel guilty that even with everything that happened, this has been the best year of my life.”

“You didn’t cause the accident; you are in no way responsible. You have no reason to feel guilty,” Jack said, pulling Doug closer until his chest was pressed against the other man’s. “And when it comes to this being the best year of your life,” he smiled softly. “Well, I think we’ll probably be able to top it.”

“I hope so,” Doug laughed, kissing Jack again. He wrapped his arms around the other man, holding him close, taking in the quiet – the distant sound of the creek the only thing that could be heard as he tried to tell his brain that it was okay to start erasing some of the images that haunted him.

“I think we’ve been looking at things all wrong,” Jack said softly, pulling back a little, looking down into the grassy verge, imagining the scene that Doug would have been faced with that day. 

“How so?”

“We need to stop thinking about today as the anniversary of the day I nearly died and a day to dread.”

“How should we think of it?” Doug asked, curious as to what Jack’s response would be.

“Today is the one year anniversary of the day that I defied the odds. We should be celebrating.”

“I like that,” Doug nodded. 

Jack took a deep breath, looking at Doug, knowing they could not continue like this any longer. They needed to be set free. “And Today is he day we need to move on.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_It had taken a lot of convincing to get Jack to finally agree to attend Suzie’s wedding. He had taken the fact that the invitation had been lost in the accident as a sign that he was never meant to attend. He had felt awkward about the fact that the few times he had met Suzie’s husband-to-be had been erased from his memory. The last thing he wanted to do at a wedding was to have to explain to the groom the reason why he did not remember him. Having seen the entry in his diary he simply put a line through it and gave it no further thought. That was until the day he and Doug had bumped into Suzie while out for a walk. He had purposefully not brought up the subject of the wedding, hoping that maybe she assumed that he had forgotten. It was only at the end of the conversation that she had smiled, leant in close and informed him that from the moment she had heard the news about his relationship with Doug she had put him down as bringing a plus one._

_Over the weeks leading up to the wedding Jack had felt his anxiety grow – knowing that Suzie’s wedding would be well attended and it had been a long time since he had been around that number of people. Most of the people he would know there would be from work. People he had not seen since before the accident. People whose names he worried he would not remember. He worried about getting too tired and his speech suffering. He worried that people would look at him differently. He was worried that he would realise that he no longer fit into his old life._

_Deep down he knew all of that worry was masking the thing he was most anxious about – his first public event with Doug by his side. When Suzie had originally invited him he had never considered the possibility of attending with anyone – let alone Doug. As much as he had imagined walking in with Doug, proudly holding his hand as peoples’ surprised gazes fell on them; dancing with him – he knew it was a safe fantasy that would never play out in reality. He never imagined being in a situation that would mean Doug was able to attend too – thinking of a situation where the other man was also willing seemed even less likely. But here they were._

_“How are you holding up?” Doug asked, knowingly, leaning in close as they sat at their table, watching on as guests mingled – some stood at the bar having a drink; others dancing._

_“Fine,” Jack nodded, doing his best to show Doug a convincing smile. He was enjoying himself. It had been nice catching up with his colleagues. He had been grateful that very few of them had fixated on the accident. It seemed as though they were more intrigued by his relationship with Doug – something that Doug had taken in his stride. He had graciously answered questions and stood smiling while Jack talked – helped no doubt by the open bar, something which Jack had not taken advantage of. He knew he would be on his leg more than usual and knew he would need to take his painkillers that he usually tried to avoid as much as possible. He decided therefore that drinking was probably not on the cards for him – limiting himself to one glass of champagne during the toasts._

_“It was a lovely wedding,” Doug said, causing Jack to laugh. “What?”_

_“Nothing,” Jack shook his head. “You just sound like an old woman.”_

_“I do not,” Doug protested with a laugh. “Why - do you disagree?”_

_“About the wedding?” Jack asked. “No, of course not, but all weddings are ‘lovely’. Weddings are supposed to be lovely.”_

_“Suzie looks like she’s having fun,” Doug added, noticing her dancing with her bridesmaids._

_“She does,” Jack smiled, also watching her, enjoying the music._

_“Do you want to dance?” Doug asked after a moment, noticing Jack mouthing along with the song playing._

_“No way,” Jack laughed, as though Doug has suggested the most absurd thing imaginable. “I don’t dance.”_

_“What do you mean you don’t dance?” Doug asked. “Are you really that bad?”_

_“I’m not bad. I just don’t do it,” Jack explained._

_“Never?”_

_“Never,” replied._

_“Why not?”_

_“Do I have to have a reason?” Jack asked._

_“When you have such a blanket stance on something there’s usually a reason for it.”_

_“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you,” Jack shrugged, picking up his glass of water, really wishing it was the glass of wine in Doug’s hand._

_“So this is just another instance of Jack stubbornness?”_

_“I guess so,” Jack smiled back, reaching over and taking Doug’s hand. “Are you having a good time?”_

_“I am,” Doug nodded. “It’s been nice being able to show you off.”_

_“Really?” Jack laughed. “Is that’s what you’ve been doing?”_

_“How can I not when you chose to wear that suit?” Doug teased._

_“You like the suit, huh?”_

_Doug simply shrugged, a smile growing on his face as he took another sip of wine – putting the glass back down on the table and reaching for the bottle, refilling it._

_“You should probably slow down there, Sheriff – I’m not sure I have strength to carry you home.”_

_“As long as you have the strength for other things I’m sure I’ll managed to get myself home,” Doug teased, causing Jack to shake his head while unable to hide his smile. “Then again, we are in a hotel – I’m sure there are plenty of rooms available.”_

_“I’m sure there are,” Jack agreed. “But we live twenty minutes away. We don’t need a room.”_

_“I’m pretty sure I’m owed a hotel room and the chance to, how did you put it – remove that suit and dirty the sheets?”_

_“You are not owed anything,” Jack laughed. “You were the one that chose not to join me on that particular trip.”_

_“Maybe I would have made a different decision if I had seen the suit first.”_

_“We’re not getting a room,” Jack reiterated._

_“You’re more fun when you’re the one drinking.”_

_“Next time I’ll drink and you can be the one responsible for getting me home, or upstairs - wherever you feel is appropriate.”_

_“Wherever I feel is appropriate?” Doug questioned raising an eyebrow. “There’s more than two options. Good to know.”_

_Jack was about to argue that Doug was misunderstanding him – probably purposely so, when he saw Suzie making her way over to them. He smiled at her warmly as she approached._

_“Are you two having a good time?” she asked, happiness spread across her face._

_“We are,” Jack replied. “It’s been such a great day.”_

_“I’m so glad,” she beamed._

_“Doug, I hate to do this to you, but I need a favour,” she said, moving her dress out of the way so she could get a little closer to the table._

_“A Favour? How can I help?”_

_“It seems that my husband has abandoned me,” she grinned at the use of the word ‘husband’. “When he said that he was not much of a dancer I stupidly assumed he would change his ways for our wedding.” She rolled her eyes, glancing over to where he was stood entertaining family. “And while I don’t want to start something that will end my marriage before it’s really begun, I really would like to dance with someone other my dad or bridesmaids.”_

_Jack laughed, glancing over at Doug, smirking slightly, anticipating Suzie asking Doug to dance._

_“I understand your predicament,” Doug laughed, trying to ignore the look he was getting from Jack. “Are you asking my permission to borrow Jack?”_

_Jack’s eyes suddenly widened, glaring at Doug, regretting his premature cockiness._

_“Would you mind?” Suzie grinned, already reaching for Jack’s hand. “Everyone else is already looking like they’re had plenty to drink.”_

_“Absolutely,” Doug replied, nudging Jack a little in Suzie’s direction, ignoring the look he was giving him. “Jack was just telling me how much he was enjoying the music.”_

_“What?” Jack said, glaring at the other man, feeling his arm being pulled._

_“Perfect,” Suzie replied, pulling Jack a little harder. “I promise to return him soon.”_

_“Don’t worry about me,” Doug said sincerely. “Keep him as long as you like.”_

_“Do I not get a say in this?” Jack asked, realising there was nothing he was going to be able to do to stop Suzie – surprised by the strength of her grip._

_“No,” both Doug and Suzie said in unison as Suzie managed to get Jack to his feet._

_“Go easy on him,” Doug laughed as he watched Jack being dragged away, following by a cheer from a group of bridesmaids. “Now we’re even,” Doug said under his breath, remembering all the times Jack had tried to get one over on him. He picked up his glass of wine and sat back to enjoy the show._

_Doug had every intention of going over and rescuing Jack after one song. He had intended to go and save him as soon as he had finished his drink. He certainly had not intended to sit back in amusement as one by one each of the bridesmaids wanted to dance. It was getting late and the music was beginning to slow – those who had had plenty to drink stood swaying on the edge of the dance floor. He watched as Jack tried to excuse himself on a couple of occasions only to be pulled back by Suzie as a new song started._

_As Jack’s eyes burnt into him for what felt like the hundredth time, Doug finally relented, finishing the last of his wine and standing up – suddenly feeling the effects of his drinking go to his head. He made his way around the tables that stood between him and the dancefloor, making a direct line for Jack who was once again dancing with Suzie._

_“I hate to interrupt all the fun,” Doug said to Suzie, “But do you think I could have Jack back?”_

_“Of course. He’s served his time” she smiled, leaning in and kissing Jack on the cheek before letting go of him before turning to Doug. “He’s all yours,” she winked before moving away, once again joining her bridesmaids._

_“What the hell took you so long?” Jack said, eyes wide, as though he had been tortured._

_“I was having fun,” Doug replied, taking hold of his hand and pulling his close._

_“I’m glad one of us was,” Jack groaned as he attempted to step back from the dancefloor, puzzled as to why Doug remained in place._

_“Where do you think you’re going?” Doug smiled, pulling him back towards him. “I’ve watched you dance with all those women. Now it’s my turn.”_

_Jack looked back at Doug questioningly, trying to figure out if he was joking. “I told you – I don’t dance.”_

_“You’ve just proven that not to be true,” Doug said, wrapping his arm around Jack’s back, pulling him even closer. “Unless you just don’t dance with men?”_

_“Don’t be ridiculous,” Jack laughed, his eyes dipping._

_“Jack,” Doug said softly, tilting his head slightly until he was looking at Jack face on – the stormy blue of his eyes causing butterflies to erupt inside Doug. “You’ve danced with a man before, right?”_

_“Have you?” Jack asked back, avoiding the question._

_“I think we both know the answer to that is no,” Doug smiled. “But that wasn’t my question.”_

_Jack took a breath, his eyes fixed on Doug’s. “Not like this.”_

_Doug had a hundred questions racing through his head but realising not a single one of them was going to make their way to his lips he decided to take a different tact, leaning forward finding Jack’s lips with his own, kissing him – gently at first, quickly unable to hold back the desire racing through him._

_After a moment Jack pulled back softly, his eyes narrowing as he looked back at Doug. Jack had been impressed with how Doug had taken to life out of the closet over the last few months, enjoying watching him grow in confidence as they ventured out in public more. Noticing how his hand felt more sure holding his, or how he no longer looked around to see who was in sight before kissing him. He loved that Doug no longer cared who knew about them – if anything, he wanted everyone to know. He loved that he could finally call Doug his and the same the other way around – but still, both of them were aware of the line that they did not cross in public. It was a personal choice; never wanting to become something that people gawked at. Jack had never been a fan of extreme public displays of affection, and up until that very last kiss had assumed Doug felt the same. Now feeling Doug’s hands on his body, making Jack wish they were anywhere other than the dancefloor, he began to wonder if maybe he had got Doug all wrong._

_“How much have you had to drink?” Jack asked._

_“Enough to seriously consider getting a room,” Doug replied raising his eyebrows._

_Jack laughed, shaking his head, eyes widening as Doug’s hand moved to his ass. “What are you doing?”_

_“What?” Doug replied innocently. “I’m dancing with my boyfriend.”_

_Jack reached back and found Doug’s hand, moving it back up his body. “Behave yourself.”_

_“I love it when you go all teacher-like,” Doug grinned._

_“Could you please keep in mind that I am not the only teacher here?” Jack said, leaning in a little closer, wondering why he felt so turned on while telling off the other man. “Most of my colleagues are here. Including my boss.”_

_Doug pulled back slightly; his eyes wide – a look of concern plastered across his face. “Do they not know that you’re gay?” he asked, unable to hold back a laugh._

_“I hate how funny you think you are when you’ve had a drink,” Jack rolled his eyes._

_“No, you don’t,” Doug teased, continuing to sway to the slow music being played, his hands once again exploring Jack’s body, mouth once again finding Jack’s, kissing him with the same energy as before, not giving Jack an opportunity to pull away. “You love it,” he said against Jack’s lips._

_“Debatable,” Jack groaned, his cheek pressed against Doug’s as they danced. “Do you think you have it in you to not cause a scene?”_

_Doug laughed. “If I didn’t know any better I would say you were being a bit of a prude.”_

_“A prude?” Jack replied, shaking his head, feigning offense. “How dare you?”_

_“Prove it – kiss me like no one else is here,” Doug dared._

_Not wanting to back down from a dare Jack leaned forward, kissing Doug – tentatively at first before realising he needed to do more to satisfy the other man, feeling Doug’s tongue instantly take advantage of the opportunity to gain access, daring Jack to up his intensity._

_After a moment Jack pulled back, shaking his head. “I’d love to know if you would still be willing to kiss me like that in front of a room of cops.”_

_“I don’t care who sees,” Doug smiled. “You shouldn’t care either – these are your friends.”_

_“I don’t care who sees,” Jack said honestly. “But that doesn’t mean I fancy putting on an x-rated show for them. Some of my colleagues are pretty old. I’m not sure their hearts can take it.”_

_“Not only do they know you’re gay, but they also know that I’m your boyfriend so none of this should be surprising to them,” Doug said, mouth close to Jack’s ear. “As prim and proper as they all may come across at work, I bet a fair few of them have given some thought to how things work between us.”_

_Jack pulled his head back a little, eyebrows raised, mouth open in shock at Doug’s last comment._

_“That’s probably not the face you want to be pulling if you want to stop their gossiping.”_

_Jack lifted his arm and swiped Doug’s shoulder, laughing. “People don’t think of about sort of thing.”_

_“Of course they do,” Doug laughed back. “Look over there,” Doug said, his eyes moving to the side. “That woman sat with her husband. She’s thought about it.”_

_“That’s Marion. She teaches history,” Jack protested, quickly averting his gaze when he inadvertently caught her eye._

_“Sorry to burst your PG-13 bubble, Jack. People think about sex all the time. Including Marion”_

_“No,” Jack groaned, his head dipping, resting on Doug’s shoulder._

_“In fact I can guarantee one of us is thinking about it right now,” Doug said in a low voice, receiving a low moan from Jack in response. “Make that two of us.”_

_This time when Doug’s hand moved to his ass Jack did nothing to stop it, his mind more preoccupied with trying to keep other areas of his body in check. “I think I preferred you in the closet,” Jack groaned._

_“You want me in a closet?” Doug replied, teasingly. “I could probably find us one.”_

_“Have you always been like this?” Jack asked, stepping a little closer, pressing their bodies firmly together._

_“I guess I just really like weddings,” Doug joked, wrapping his arms a little tighter around Jack’s body, not allowing him to move back again, unwilling to relinquish any of the pressure being placed against his body._

_“Weddings are a turn on for you?”_

_“Or maybe it’s this suits of yours,” Doug smiled. “Whatever it is, it seems I’m not alone,” he added, raising his eyebrows, his mouth once again finding Jacks, this time kissing him a little more slowly, turning Jack on even more. “Maybe this is our cue to leave?”_

_Jack looked around briefly, noticing a number of pairs of eyes on them. “If we leave now people are going to think we’re leaving to have sex.”_

_“We are,” Doug laughed. “Who cares if they know it.”_

_“What has happened to the Doug Witter who didn’t even want to be seen with me a few months ago.”_

_“He’s gone,” Doug smiled, his hand raising to Jack’s cheek, his eyes fixed on the other man’s. “And if it’s okay with you, he’s never coming back.”_

_Jack nodded softly, leaning in and kissing Doug, intending to pull away but suddenly unwilling to do so – deepening the kiss, suddenly not caring who was watching. “I guess you need to make a decision.”_

_“About what?” Doug asked._

_“Which option you are choosing,” Jack joked. “Hotel room, home, or nearest closet?”_

_“That’s easy,” Doug smiled. “I want everyone here to see me going home with the best looking teacher at Capeside High.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack shifted back on the bed, leaning against the headboard. He could hear the shower running in the bathroom, knowing that Doug was still going to be a little while. He picked up his book from the nightstand, flicking through the pages, trying to remember where he had got to – smiling as he could hear Doug’s voice in his head telling him to use a bookmark, having stopped folding over the tops of the pages when he saw how appalled Doug had been by that practice. Usually he could get through a book fast enough that he did not need a bookmark to remind him where he had got to, but since Doug had moved in, reading had slipped further down his list of bedtime activities.

He flicked though a few pages, reading over a couple of lines, finally settling on a page that he was sure he had not read. Scanning the words in front of him he realised quickly that he had no idea what was going on in the story. Flicking back a few more page he began to wonder if he would be better off starting the book again from the beginning – not even sure when the last time he had picked it up was. He tossed the book aside on to the bed next to him, slouching down a little further, getting more comfortable – wondering if he had time to a quick nap before going out. Just wanting something to shut off his brain for a little while.

Deciding there was no time for a nap, he picked up his book again, this time flicking to the last page – his eyes scanning the words, hoping for a happy ending. His eyes ran over the print for a second time, wondering what to make of the words that made little sense out of context. He was still reading when Doug exited the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, another in his hands, drying his hair. 

“How long was I in there?” Doug remarked, noticing Jack reading the final page of a book that he was certain he had only a read a few chapters of.

Jack glanced up from the book, smiling at the sight of the other man. “I skipped to the last page.”

“Why would you do that?” Doug asked.

“For the same reason I fold over the pages. Just to drive you mad.”

“Except you’ve stopped doing that,” Doug said knowingly, grabbing some underwear from the drawer.

Jack shrugged, watching as Doug began to dress. “I wanted to check it had a happy ending before I got too invested.”

“Does it?”

“Hard to tell.”

“You can’t judge a whole story just on the ending,” Doug said, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Jack. “It’s about the journey not the destination.”

Jack looked at him questioningly. “I’m I supposed to read something into that comment?”

“You’re the English teacher – you tell me,” Doug replied, leaning in and kissing Jack, feeling Jack’s hand on his arm, stopping him from pulling away. He shifted a little closer, placing the palm of his hand flat against the bed on the other side of Jack’s body, leaning a little closer. “I hate to interrupt this moment, but we don’t have long before we have to be somewhere.”

“How long?” Jack asked, kissing Doug again.

“Not long enough,” Doug replied, the disappointment evident in his voice, kissing Jack once more before standing from the bed.

“We could always cancel. Just stay home tonight?” Jack suggested, stretching out on the bed, making Doug laugh.

“As tempting as it sounds, I don’t think cancelling with less than an hour’s notice is very polite.”

“We’re meeting Pacey,” Jack reasoned. “Since when do you care about polite?”

“We’re going,” Doug said simply, shaking his head in Jack’s direction. “So you should probably get ready.”

“I am ready,” Jack said, glancing down at himself.

Doug stood in the doorway to the closet, looking back at Jack, raising his eyebrows. “Really?”

“What?” Jack laughed. “We’re just going to the Icehouse.”

“You’re right,” Doug nodded, turning back to the closet. “And if you’ve reached that point in your life where you’re happy for Pacey to be better dressed than you are, then good for you – embrace it,” he teased.

Jack groaned, getting up from the bed. “Low blow.”

Doug said nothing, continuing to smile as he rooted through the closet for what he wanted, feeling Jack’s arms wrap around him from behind.

“We need more closet space,” Jack said simply, noticing how full it was. 

“Maybe you just have too many clothes.”

“It was fine before you moved in,” Jack teased, wrapping his arms around him a little more tightly.

“There’s only one solution then,” Doug shrugged.

“I guess so,” Jack nodded.

Doug sighed softly, before smiling. “We need to turn the second bedroom into a closet.”

Jack laughed, kissing Doug’s shoulder. “That’s possibly the gayest thing you’ve ever said.”

Doug turned in Jack’s embrace, kissing him. “More than telling a man that I love him?”

“Yes,” Jack nodded. “Definitely.”

“If you really want to cancel tonight I’m sure Pacey will understand. It’s been a long day. We could do it another night.”

“No,” Jack shook his head. “We should go.”

“Only if you’re sure?”

“I am,” Jack nodded. “But I have one condition.”

“Name it,” Doug replied, feeling the same nerves he always felt in his stomach when Jack said things like that.

Jack smiled softly, looking into the blue of Doug’s eyes. “Any remaining guilt, or bad feelings you have about everything that happened,” he said. “I want you to leave it behind now.”

“Jack, you know as well as I do that it’s not that simple.”

“It is,” Jack disagreed. “The accident was one day. Just one. And as awful as it was; as difficult as the following few weeks were – it’s done. It happened. We can’t change it.”

“I know.”

“So why dwell on it anymore? It’s been quite a year,” Jack laughed slightly, remembering their up and downs. “But who’s to say it wouldn’t have been just the same but for other reasons if the accident never happened. It’s not like we’ll ever know the answers to all the questions we have.”

“I find it really disconcerting when you talk sense,” Doug joked, knowing that what he was saying was true.

“Well, get used to it. Because I think it’s taken me a full year to start seeing sense. But I’m there now.”

“You did have a pretty nasty blow to the head.”

Jack laughed, rolling his eyes slightly – his hands moving to Doug’s arms, running down them until he found Doug’s hands. “I like where we are. I don’t care how we got here. Or if we made mistakes along the way. We’ve made it so far.”

“We have,” Doug nodded, seeing a sureness in Jack’s eyes that he had never noticed before. 

“I don’t think most couples would have survived this,” Jack reasoned. “But if anything, we’re stronger now than before. It doesn’t matter why.”

“So you’re saying that the end is more important than the journey?” Doug asked, glancing back over to the book on the bed.

“I guess every story is different,” Jack shrugged.

“Does this one have a happy ending?” Doug asked, his voice low, almost embarrassed to have asked the question.

“I hope so,” Jack smiled, squeezing Doug’s hands. “It’s not written yet but things are looking good.”

“I think so too.” 

Jack leaned forward and kissed Doug softly. “I’d like to start moving forward rather than looking back.”

“I’d like that too,” Doug smiled, gripping Jack’s hands a little more tightly. 

“Good,” Jack nodded, stepping closer until they were pressed together, his arms once again embracing the other man.

“Good,” Doug repeated, feeling his final fear die away – feeling that taking the next step together was now possible.

Jack sighed, laying his check against Doug’s shoulder. “You should probably get dressed,” he said softly, hand running over Doug’s chest. “Because you’re making staying home look really tempting.”

Doug laughed, kissing Jack – softly at first, unable to resist deepening it. Seemingly of their own accord, his hands moved to Jack’s T-shirt, pulling it up his body.

“That’s not helping.”

“You’re supposed to be changing anyway,” Doug said, tugging it all the way off.

“How convenient,” Jack teased, his hands already working on removing his own pants.

“It’s not like Pacey expects us to be on time,” Doug joked, maneuvering Jack back towards the bed. 

“Maybe one day,” Jack grinned.

“I hope not.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_It had been a while since they had been out for dinner just the two of them. Jack starting back at work had been a shock to the system – the long days and additional work from home took its toll, often leaving Jack completely exhausted by Friday. Doug would often return home from work to find Jack asleep on the couch, trying to catch his second wind so they could spend the evening together. Though Jack felt as though it was slowly getting better and he was finally getting some of his stamina back, things were still harder than he was used to._

_When Doug had suggested going for dinner, Jack had seen the excited anticipation on his face, and knew he would do whatever it took to make it happen – including taking a nap in his car during his free period that afternoon, desperately wanting to give Doug a taste of normality again. Wanting to thank him for his understanding and support. Jack knew that it was what both of them needed after numerous Friday nights at home. It was nice to be out. It was nice to be somewhere other than the Icehouse. It was nice just the two of them._

_“Thank you for planning tonight,” Jack said. “It’s been great. We should do it more often.”_

_“We should,” Doug smiled, placing his hand over Jack’s on the table. “Do you want to head home or should we stay for a drink?”_

_Jack smiled, trying to hide the fact that he was ready to crawl into bed. “I guess one drink wouldn’t hurt.”_

_Doug smiled back knowingly, appreciating that Jack was making an effort. “One quick drink and we’ll be in bed before you know it.”_

_“Sounds perfect.” Jack noticed the smile on Doug’s face fade momentarily, his eyes fixed briefly on something over Jack’s shoulder, causing him to look around, wondering what had caught Doug’s attention. “Everything okay?”_

_“Yes,” Doug nodded, his smile not as convincing as he would have liked. “I just thought I saw someone I used to know.”_

_“Who?” Jack asked, looking behind him again._

_“Just the brother of someone I was at the police academy with.”_

_“The brother of a cop – so the Pacey of someone else’s family,” Jack joked_

_“The world doesn’t need another Pacey,” Doug laughed. “But similar, I guess. In a less annoying and obnoxious way.”_

_“Just wait and see how annoying and obnoxious Pacey will be when he finds out we’ve eaten somewhere other than the Icehouse.”_

_“I wasn’t planning on telling him,” Doug said, his eyes one again landing on a man stood at the bar._

_Jack looked around again, this time spotting the man that had caught Doug’s eye. He had short, neatly styled blonde hair and looked as though he had come straight from work, wearing a smart suit. “Is it him?”_

_“I think it is. I’ve not seen him for years” Doug said, his eyes still fixed on the man as Jack turned back to face him._

_“Do you think he’ll remember you?” Jack asked, almost immediately realising the answer to his question as he heard a loud voice behind him saying Doug’s name. “I guess so,” Jack laughed, missing the slight flash of panic in Doug’s eyes as his name was called._

_Jack realised that the man must have been approaching their table when Doug stood up, a slightly uncomfortable smile on his face._

_“Adam,” Doug said, reaching out his hand to shake the other man’s. “I was just trying to figure out if it was you.”_

_“Why – am I not as young and looking as I was the last time you saw me?” Adam replied, laughing. “Actually don’t answer that. Time isn’t always kind. You’re looking good though. How long has it been?”_

_Doug shook his head, trying to think. “I don’t know. Six years – maybe more?”_

_“Something like that,” Adam nodded, his eyes falling to Jack as Jack turned to face him. “Sorry, I hope I’m not interrupted a work thing?” he asked, his eyes moving back to Doug questioningly. “A private thing?”_

_Jack suddenly realised why Doug looked a little uncomfortable – not having had to introduce Jack to an old acquaintance before, in turn outing himself._

_“Oh no,” Doug shook his head. “This is my partner; Jack,” he said before realising the ambiguity of his wording. “My boyfriend.”_

_“Well, hi, partner Jack, the boyfriend,” Adam laughed, extending his hand to Jack. “Nice to meet you.”_

_“You too,” Jack smiled, shaking his hand, feeling a little confused at the fact the man in front of him did not bat an eyelid at Doug’s slightly awkward introduction._

_“What are you doing in Capeside?” Doug asked quickly, attempting to move the conversation along._

_“Visiting a client,” Adam said rolling his eyes a little. “It’s been a long day. I figured I could use a drink before heading back to the city._

_“Where do you live?” Jack asked to be polite._

_“Boston at the moment. But I’ve been in New York the last few years.”_

_“Jack lived in New York for a while,” Doug said, putting his hand on Jack’s shoulder._

_“Really?” Adam asked. His toned seemed friendly but his face did not give any impression of his being particularly interested. His eyes fixed on Doug’s hand on Jack’s shoulder. “Maybe we have a few things in common.”_

_There was a moment of quiet and Jack wondered if he was the only one feeling slightly uncomfortable – no one really knowing if Adam was coming or going. “Would you like to join us for a drink?” Jack asked, hoping to cut through some of the tension._

_“I’m sure Adam needs to get back to Boston,” Doug said, trying to give the other man an excuse._

_“No, I’m in no hurry,” Adam replied. “Thank you, Jack – I’d love to.”_

_“Grab a chair,” Jack said, standing up. “I was just about to head to the bar and get some drinks. Would you like something?”_

_“No, I’m good with this,” Adam smiled, lifting his glass. “Thank you.”_

_Jack nodded, eyes glancing back at Doug for a moment before heading to the bar. He quickly ordered some drinks and stood with his back to the bar as he waited, looking back over at his table as Doug and Adam continued to reacquaint themselves. He was not quite sure what had possessed him to invite Adam to join them – other than the fact that it was the polite thing to do. It was only one drink and then they would be heading home anyway so there was no real harm. He watched as Doug said something and Adam began to laugh – maybe a little too hard; his hand moving to Doug’s arm as he did so, causing Doug’s eyes to dip, a slight blush on his face._

_Jack’s eyes narrowed as he stood watching the two of them, suddenly realising that he had misinterpreted Doug’s discomfort. Realising that Doug had not be concerned about outing himself to Adam because clearly Adam already knew – intimately by the looks of things. Jack could feel heat rising within him, his cheeks becoming flushed, his stomach churning – realising them he had just welcomed what seemed like one of Doug’s exes to join them, feeling increasingly frustrated at Doug’s incredibly vague and ambiguous explanation of how he knew the other man._

_Hearing his drinks being placed on the bar behind him he turned around, picking them up, wanting to get back to the table as quickly as he could – picking up on the conversation as he grew closer_

_“You can’t seriously tell me you you’ve not been working out,” Adam said, hand gripping Doug’s bicep. “I don’t remember all these muscles before.”_

_“They were always there,” Doug laughed in response, rolling his eyes slightly, flexing his muscle slightly._

_“I don’t remember them being so big.”_

_Jack cleared his throat slightly, announcing his return, having not been noticed until he put the drinks down. He took a deep breath before sitting down, wanting to know more about the man sat opposite him who was already seeming less endearing than he had before._

_“You said you were in town seeing a client,” Jack said. “What is it you do?”_

_“I work in finance. Stocks and shares mostly – convincing old, rich folk to part with their not so hard earned dollars,” Adam explained. “It’s not hugely exciting but the money is too good to turn down.”_

_Jack nodded, forcing a smile, disliking the man even more. He glanced over at Doug, trying to read his expression, noticing that he was avoiding eye contact – wondering what Doug had ever seen in the man sat opposite him, except for his blonde hair and dark eyes; looks that could not be more different from Jack’s. “Sounds interesting,” Jack said, tonelessly – the sudden lack of his usual friendly tone now catching Doug’s attention._

_“Doug always used to think so,” Adam said, taking a sip of his drink, eyes on Doug from over the rim of the glass. “Or at least always enjoyed the finer things that came along with the job.”_

_“Pacey had a similar job for a while,” Doug said quickly before Jack could say anything in return, hoping his flushed cheeks had gone unnoticed._

_“That’s right. He used to like to flash his cash too,” Jack nodded. “Until he found his soul again.”_

_Adam laughed, putting his drink down. “I guess we can’t all be angels. The world would be no fun.”_

_Doug could not help but laugh – nothing could have summed up Adam any better. “I see your outlook on life hasn’t changed.”_

_“I was always the devil on your shoulder.”_

_“I remember well,” Doug smiled back at Adam, picking up his drink, taking a large sip and a deep breath. He could feel Jack’s foot tapping under the table and knew that was not a good sign._

_“So tell me, Doug,” Adam grinned, a playful look in his eye. “Was Jack one of your rookies? He barely looks old enough to wear the uniform. I always thought you had a thing for more mature guys”_

_Jack rolled his eyes, wondering what Adam’s problem was – not liking what he was insinuating. He could feel heat coursing through him, trying to figure out what he found worse – the little digs he seemed to be making towards him, or the fact that his hands had ever touched Doug._

_“No,” Doug shook his head, laughing slightly. “Jack isn’t a cop.”_

_“What is it you do, Jack?”_

_“I’m a teacher,” he said simply._

_“A teacher?” Adam smiled. “Like elementary school – teaching kids how to use paste and scissors?”_

_“Jack teaches high school English,” Doug said quickly, worried what Jack’s response would be._

_“I guess someone has to,” Adam laughed._

_“Give it a few years and he’ll probably be principal,” Doug said, laughing slightly, avoiding the glare from Jack._

_“I don’t want to be principal,” Jack said plainly, feeling irritated that Doug felt that he needed to inflate his role._

_“It’s very commendable,” Adam smiled, clearly noticing the exchange. “You must get great satisfaction from your work.”_

_“I do,” Jack replied._

_“Hard to pay the bills with job satisfaction though, right?” he continued. “I don’t think you could convince me to get out of bed for that sort of money.”_

_“Not everything is about money,” Jack said, taking the moral upper hand._

_“Of course not. I think it’s great that you would choose to go into a grossly underpaid sector out of the love of molding the young minds of America,” Adam replied sincerely. “Then again it’s much easier to do that when you have the local sheriff to fork out for all of life’s little luxuries.”_

_Jack looked back at him, his eyes narrowing, trying desperately to bite his tongue – getting more frustrated that Doug was not saying something. “I’m perfectly capable of paying my own way.”_

_“Of course,” Adam said, raising his hands in front of him in surrender. “I didn’t mean any offense. If I was lucky enough to be in your position I would take full advantage of it too.”_

_“So now I’m taking advantage of Doug?” Jack asked._

_“That’s not what Adam’s saying,” Doug said quickly._

_“It definitely sound like that’s what he’s saying.”_

_“No one is saying that – right, Adam?” Doug said, looking over at the other man._

_“Of course not. I think we’re just getting our wires crossed,” Adam smiled, taking another sip of his drink. “Nice watch by the way.”_

_Jack’s eyes dropped to the watch on his wrist, his stomach churning, wondering if that was really what people thought – the fact that Doug was not saying anything making more of an impact than any words could. He was so lost in thought that he barely heard the conversation that continued around him._

_“Remind me how much sheriffs earn, Doug? It’s got to be at least double a teacher’s salary.”_

_“No, I don’t think so,” Doug shook his head, trying to defuse things, noticing how Jack had suddenly gone quiet._

_“You know, if you ever want to look into investment opportunities you should come by the office one day. I’m sure I could sort you out.”_

_“I don’t think that’s really my thing,” Doug said simply, eyes back on Jack, wishing he had been a little more up front with him about how he knew Adam – realising now that he had a lot of explaining to do and would have his work cut out to untangle all the assumptions he knew Jack was silently making in his head._

_“Look, I’m sorry. I think we’ve got off on the wrong foot. I’m just messing around,” Adam said sincerely. “Jack, really, I didn’t mean any offense. Sometimes I forget that not everyone knows me as well as Doug does.”_

_Jack stared back at him, wondering how he could still be obnoxious while apologising. He could see the look on Doug’s face, hoping that Jack would accept the apology – making him question his animosity towards the other man. He began to doubt himself. Would he still dislike him so intensely if there had been no history between him and Doug? Would he had given him more of a chance; taken his comments less personally?_

_“Why don’t I get us some more drinks? We can start over.”_

_“That’s not necessary,” Jack said. “Doug and I were just about to head home anyway.”_

_“Come one – one drink,” Adam persisted. “There’s so much more to catch up on.”_

_“Maybe another time,” Jack said, refusing to be convinced._

_“Doug, come on,” Adam said, changing focus, placing his hand on Doug’s arm. “Don’t let me down. You were always up for one more drink.”_

_Doug could feel Jack’s eyes burning into him. “One drink won’t hurt, I guess,” he sighed._

_“Great,” Adam said, standing from the table. “I’ll be right back.”_

_“Are you kidding?” Jack said, the moment Adam had gone._

_“It’s just a drink,” Doug said._

_“Just a drink? In the same way Adam is just the brother of someone you were in the police academy with?”_

_“Is that what this is all about?” Doug asked._

_“What do you mean – what this is all about?” Jack questioned, confused._

_“You’re not being very friendly.”_

_“Me?” Jack asked, exasperated. “I’m not the one that has been utterly rude.”_

_“Give him a break. He’s just joking around,” Doug defended._

_“About how well he knows you and all your history? He’s not exactly subtle. How many different ways is he going to say that you used to sleep together?”_

_Doug shook his head. “Are you even listening to yourself?”_

_“Are you?” Jack bit back – growing even more frustrated._

_“Could you just make an effort to be nice?” Doug asked._

_“I think you’re being friendly enough for the both of us.”_

_“You know what, Jack – you’re just coming across as jealous and it’s not a good look,” Doug replied flatly._

_“Jealous?” Jack said. “Of what? Him?”_

_“That’s definitely how it seems.”_

_“You’re serious,” Jack said, laughing slightly. “You really think the problem here is that I’m jealous?”_

_“Why are you making such a big thing of it?”_

_“Because he’s an asshole,” Jack said, leaning in so his words would not travel too far. “Do you think this is how I want to spend my Friday night – listening to your obnoxious ex berate me while you just sit there and pander to his every comment.”_

_“He’s like that with everyone,” Doug said, once again trying to excuse Adam’s behaviour. “Don’t take it so personally.”_

_“Nice guy then,” Jack said sarcastically. “Good pick.”_

_“Grow up, Jack – you’re being childish.”_

_“You have got to be kidding,” Jack said, shaking his head. “How would you feel if things were the other way around?”_

_“I’d like to think I could be a little more civil. Afterall there’s a much higher chance of us running into one of your many exes.”_

_Jack stared back at Doug, not even sure what to say, fighting the urge to say something equally as upsetting, not wanting things to escalate – wondering what had got into him. “Could we just go home?”_

_“Adam has just gone to get drinks,” Doug said, as though Jack had just suggested something outrageous._

_“I don’t care,” Jack replied. “I’m tired. I want to go home.”_

_“I don’t want to be rude,” Doug reasoned, glancing over at the bar, noticing that Adam was already paying for the drinks._

_“Shame Adam does suffer from the same affliction.”_

_“If you’re going to carry on like this maybe you should go home,” Doug said flippantly._

_“You’re right,” Jack said, standing up from his chair and grabbing his coat._

_“You’re just going to leave?” Doug asked, not actually expecting that Jack would._

_“Sure, why not? After all I’m sure you and Adam have a lot of catching up to do.”_

_“Jack,” Doug said, also standing, noticing Adam making his way back over from the bar._

_“Stay if you want. It’s your choice. But I’m done.”_

_“Leaving already?” Adam asked, putting the drinks down, looking back and forth between the two men._

_“It’s been a long week,” Jack said dryly, his eyes not once moving from Doug. “Nice to meet you, Adam,” he said sarcastically._

_“The pleasures all mine,” Adam grinned._

_“I don’t doubt that,” Jack said, pulling his coat in, watching as Adam placed his hand on Doug’s shoulder._

_“We came in my car,” Doug suddenly said, as though that was the biggest problem facing them._

_“I’ll walk,” Jack said in disbelief as he turned and walked away, sure that Doug would realise he was making the wrong choice and follow. Hand on the door handle Jack glanced back, watching as Doug sat back down; Adam now sat in the chair he just vacated, moving in a little closer. “Unbelievable,” Jack said, his anger rising as he opened the door and walked out._

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Pacey was stood at the door as they made their way along the boardwalk, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“Are we late?” Jack said coyly as they approached, knowing full well what the answer was.

Pacey simply shook his head, unable to keep up his disapproving look, stepping back; holding the door open for them. “What disturbs me most is that you’re always late by the exact same amount of time,” he said, pulling a grossed out face. “The details of which I don’t require.”

“You did ask us to be here unrealistically early,” Jack reasoned.

“That’s because I knew you’d be late,” Pacey laughed. “I’ve been doing that for months.”

“You know Jack’s never had a great concept of time,” Doug joked, his hand resting on the small of Jack’s back.

“True,” Pacey nodded. “But honestly I thought that was why you bought him the watch.”

“It’s more a thing of beauty than functionality,” Jack informed.

“How fitting,” Pacey teased, gesturing towards a table, inviting them to sit down.

“Rude,” Jack scowled jokingly, digging his elbow into Doug as he also laughed.

“We’re actually late because Jack decided he wanted to walk here,” Doug said as he sat down.

Jack spotted the look Pacey gave his brother, clearly wondering if that decision had anything to do with the events the year before.

“I just felt like walking,” Jack said simply. “The only thing to interpret from that if that I plan to have a drink.”

Pacey nodded, smiling at Jack’s bluntness. “I’ll take that as a hint,” Pacey said standing from the table. “I’ll be right back.”

“Drinking on a school night?” Doug said, raising his eyebrows as he reached out and took Jack’s hand. 

“Don’t get too excited – it’s only one,” Jack smiled back, his eyes fixed on Doug’s hand, running his thumb over Doug’s fingers. “Maybe two.”

“Just remember that walking here means also having to walk home.”

“You could always call one your officers to give us a lift,” Jack joked.

“The police are not a taxi service,” Doug said sternly.

“They are if you commit a crime,” Jack reasoned. “What can I do that’s serious enough for someone to call 911 but minor enough that I get taken home with a warning rather than put in jail?”

“Let’s try not to find out,” Doug laughed. “Not tonight anyway.”

“You have alternative plans for tonight?” 

“Maybe,” Doug shrugged. “Let’s just agree now not to stay here too late.”

“Deal,” Jack nodded, pleased at the suggestion.

“Here you go,” Pacey said, placing three glasses of champagne the table, noticing the looks Doug and Jack were giving him. “It’s a celebration after all.”

“It is?” Jack asked. 

“It is,” Pacey nodded defiantly, sitting back down. “I was going to say that it’s a celebration of life – you know; that we’re all here. That no matter how hard one of us tried this time last year, none of us died in a horrific and gruesome accident that in turn would have scarred the rest of us for the rest of our lives.”

“When you put it like that,” Jack laughed, reaching out and taking one of the glasses, taking a drink.

“But you’ll be pleased to know that I decided that saying that may come across as tactless and inappropriate,” Pacey added.

“Not that we’d expect anything different,” Doug remarked.

“So I decided to change my toast,” Pacey said picking up his glass. “Here’s to a year on and the both of you walking in here like you don’t have a care in the world. Long may it continue.”

“That was actually surprisingly sweet,” Doug replied, surprised by his brother’s u-turn.

“I know, right? Felt wrong to me too,” Pacey joked. “So quickly take a drink and toast to my sweet sentiment before I attempt to erase it with something more in character.”

“Cheers to that,” Jack laughed, raising his glass, eyes meeting Doug’s, a smile creeping over his lips as they all took a sip.

“Though really I shouldn’t be toasting the two of you,” Pacey said, sitting back in his chair.

“Here we go,” Doug groaned. “Why is that?”

“Jack was my fall back relationship.”

“Excuse me?” Jack said, choking on his drink.

“You know – the person you choose to form a relationship with if you’re both still single at thirty,” Pacey said simply.

“Okay, that really doesn’t answer the questions I have in my head right now,” Jack laughed. 

“Why Jack?” Doug asked.

“Simple process of elimination. There’s only so many times I can be knocked back by Jen – same goes for Joey I guess,” Pacey shrugged. 

“Why not Andie?” Jack asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Last time I was with Andie she ended up having an emotional breakdown,” Pacey reasoned.

“I don’t blame her,” Doug shook his head. 

“I don’t want to risk that again,” Pacey continued. “That pretty much only leaves you, Jackers. Plus you were the one I figured would still be single.”

“Wow – when you put it like that; I feel honoured,” Jack said sarcastically. 

“Imagine, you could have eaten here for free for the rest of your life,” Pacey said grinning, as though that offer would have been the thing to entice Jack.

“I do that already.”

“Pacey, I hate to be the person to point out the elephant in the room,” Doug said, slightly amused. “But you’re not gay.”

“True. I never said my plan was perfect,” Pacey nodded, looking over at Jack. “But if I remember correctly our chemistry was convincing enough that night in Boston.”

“What night in Boston?” both Jack and Doug said at the same time – Doug’s eyes burning into Jack the same way Jack’s were burning into Pacey.

“At that bar you took me to,” Pacey replied matter-of-factly. “Where I met that food critic guy.”

Jack started laughing as he remembered the night Pacey meant. He smiled over at Doug, shaking his head. “I left Pacey alone in a gay bar for five minutes and by the time I got back he was talking to some guy that happened to be a food critic. Pacey was trying to convince him to try the restaurant he was working at.”

“The guy was hanging on my every word,” Pacey explained, looking pretty proud of himself. “It felt pretty good.”

“Do I even want to know what happened?” Doug groaned.

“It’s fine,” Jack assured. “The guy thought Pacey and I were together. Other than me feeling slight insulted all ended well.”

“Why were you insulted? I’m a catch,” Pacey argued. 

“If you are such a catch why do you need me as your back up plan?” Jack laughed.

“You make a good point,” Pacey conceded. “But I’m pretty sure I am the one who should have been insulted that night. Even though that guy thought we were together he stay gave you his number.”

Doug could not help but laugh. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

“He was a nice guy. I got a couple of really good dinners out of that,” Jack said, taking another sip of his drink – both sets of Witter eyes staring back at him. “I’m joking,” he laughed, eyes wide, watching the shock fade from their faces. “We didn’t go for dinner.”

“Jackers!” Pacey gasped, feigning shock – enjoying the look on his brother’s face.

“I’m kidding,” Jack laughed, taking hold of Doug’s hand again. “Any guy Pacey is flirting with – intentionally or otherwise, is not someone I’m going near.”

“So that’s where you set your bar?” Pacey asked. 

“It’s a good place to start,” Doug smiled, giving Jack’s hand a squeeze.

“Speaking of good places to start,” Jack said, looking around. “The champagne is great but I was expecting to be fed tonight.”

“You’re always expecting to be fed,” Pacey said, pushing his chair back. “Do you know what you’d like or shall I whip up a Pacey special?”

Both Jack and Doug looked at each other, mirroring the other’s disgusted expression. 

“As long as you never call it a ‘Pacey special’ again, I’m happy for you to throw something together,” Doug replied.

“Consider that motion seconded,” Jack nodded.

“I invited you here tonight because I thought you’d both be in a need of a little light relief from the miseries of life and some good food,” he said standing up, unable to contain his smile, relieved to see both men looking so happy. “I’m realising that it’s become mock Pacey night.”

“Sorry, Pacey,” Jack smiled.

“It’s great to see,” Pacey nodded back, pushing his chair in. “I’m going to head into the kitchen now and give my little back up plan so more thought as Jack is clearly off the table now.”

“Good idea,” Doug agreed, smiling over at Jack. “I don’t imagine him becoming available again.” 

“I’m leaving now,” Pacey groaned, “before you two start getting all mushy and I get even more depressed.” Turning away, he smiled widely, finding the warmth and happiness between the two men infectious. 

“Pacey,” Jack called after him, causing him to look around. “I probably still have that guy’s number if you want it,” he grinned.

“Thanks, Jackers,” Pacey rolled his eyes. “I’ll let you hold onto that for now. Ask me again in a few years.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

_It had been hours since Jack had left Doug sat with Adam. He had been sure that Doug would come to his senses and leave. He was sure that he was not overreacting and had every right to feel angry about what had happened. He was sure that by the time he had made it home he would find Doug’s car parked up outside. He told himself that he should give Doug a chance to apologise and try not to make a big deal of it – not wanting Adam to be the cause of a turbulent weekend. He told himself that Doug was a good man and he could trust his judgement. If he so sure Adam did not mean anything by his comments then that should be enough. And as uneasy as those thoughts sat with him, he knew it was what he needed to do to avoid an argument. However, when he got home, having walked the long way to give himself added time to cool off, and he saw that Doug’s car was not back – all of his positive thoughts went out the window._

_He had slammed the front door a little too hard – the sound echoing around the empty house. As he paced around the living room, not too sure what to do with himself, he tried to keep calm – telling himself that Doug would just stay for one more drink. That he really did feel bad leaving when Adam had just bought them a top up. He hoped that Doug would finish it quickly, tell Adam that he had been out of line before and that he needed to leave. Jack thought about it on loop so often that he had pinpointed the exact moment that Doug would be walking through the door to apologise. He had been stood waiting as that moment came and went and he realised Doug was in no hurry to return home._

_After an hour, Jack’s previously wavering calm demeanor was completely gone. He was livid. His fists clenched at his sides as he sat on the couch in wait. His mind was racing – completely incapable of understanding why Doug would choose to stay talking to his ex, rather than come home. The mere thought of Doug with Adam – both past and present turned his stomach. Adam had been unnecessarily antagonistic; making judgements about Jack based on virtually nothing. Jack had no clue what Doug could have ever seen in him – but it must have been something otherwise surely Doug would not have been defending the wrong man. Adam seemed to be everything that Jack was not. Taller, blonder, older, had more money, had a job that Doug did not feel the need to inflate in order to make it sound more respectable._

_After another hour, Jack’s anger had turned into despondency – his mind going over all the things that could have happened in the hours since he had left Doug alone with Adam. All the things that could happen in a moment of bad decision making that could result in shattering his whole world. Wondering if this was the night that Doug finally realised he had more options than he thought. That living in a town with only one other opening gay man did not have to mean a settling for what was in front of him. That if he wanted someone older, blonder, wealthier – someone that was not Jack, this was his chance. Afterall there must have been something that had originally drawn Doug to the other man at a time where he was still hiding the truth about his private life. A chemistry, some kind of feelings – a thrill great enough to risk his secret for. A thrill that maybe he was still in search of._

_Eventually Jack decided to go to bed. He could no longer bear to think about what could be going on, realising that he had relinquished any control over the situation when leaving – realising too late that he had played straight into Adam’s hands. But if that was where Doug chose to be, Jack knew he could do nothing about it. Not now. He had my lying on his back, staring at the ceiling through the darkness when he heard the front door open. He heard Doug hanging his keys on the hook the way he always did, followed by the sound the of hallway closet closing – imagining that Doug had hung his coat inside, wondering if he had done the same with Jack’s that he had left hanging on the doorhandle when he had got home. For some reason the normality of it all was the final straw and he felt the tears that he had been trying to hold back for hours flowing down his cheeks. Unsure if he was relieved that Doug was finally home or terrified of hearing a confession._

_Hearing Doug’s footsteps coming up the stairs, Jack rolled onto his side, turning away from the door – roughly wiping away his tears only to have them replaced with fresh ones. Jack found that himself holding his breath as Doug walked into the room, not wanting the painfully heavy rise and fall of his chest to give him away. He felt the bed dip on the other side – Doug’s body edging closer as though he was trying to figure out if Jack was really asleep. Jack felt his stomach turn as he smelt alcohol and the cologne of another man lingering on Doug’s skin. If he had not been so desperately clinging onto his sanity; jaw tightly clenched, fisted clasped and pulled into his chest, Jack was sure he would scream and never be able to stop._

_The moment Doug’s body moved back, once again lifting from the mattress, Jack was not sure whether to feel relieved or bereft – wondering if Doug was checking on him out of concern for Jack or fear that he was about to be caught out. He listened silently as Doug undressed, tossing his clothes onto the chair in the corner before pulling back the clovers and sliding into bed next to him. Jack could feel his chest rising and falling more quickly – his body being so close to Doug’s, unsure if he was still the last man he had touched made him feel sick. Any rational thought of how Doug was a good man that would never hurt him that had been present hours before was well and truly gone._

_Realising he could not lie next to the other man with all the thoughts flooding his head he threw back the covers and climbed out of bed, foolishly hoping to make it all the way to the door without being seen._

_“Jack,” Doug said surprised, having thought he had been asleep. “Where are you going?”_

_“I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he replied simply, not turning to look at the other man._

_“Why?” Doug asked, sitting up in bed, swinging his legs over the edge._

_“You’re kidding, right?” Jack said, suddenly turning back._

_“What is going on?”_

_“Where the hell have you been?” Jack said angrily._

_“You know where I’ve been,” Doug said, still sat on the edge of the bed._

_“Fine,” Jack said, shaking his head, turning back the door. “Fuck you.”_

_“What is your problem?” Doug said, angrily, hating when Jack acted like that – standing up from the bed. “You know where I was.”_

_“I do,” Jack snapped, stopping again, realising that this could not be avoided. “And I know who you were with. I just have no clue what you were doing for three hours.”_

_“What are you insinuating?”_

_“You know what – I have no idea,” Jack said, the anger in his voice giving way to defeat. “Because that would involve having some kind of clue as to what was going on in your head tonight and I honestly have no idea.”_

_“That’s funny because I was just thinking the exact same thing about you.”_

_“Maybe you should ask Adam his opinion – he seems to have a pretty strong views about my motives,” Jack said bitterly._

_“Not this again,” Doug groaned._

_“Yes, this again,” Jack snapped back. “You’ve just spent three hours with your ex. A man who showed me next to no respect to my face. You expect me to believe that was any different behind my back.”_

_“Behind your back? You’re acting like I’ve done something wrong.”_

_“Something wrong?” Jack laughed, his words sounding as bitter as he felt. “You didn’t do something wrong, Doug – you did everything wrong.”_

_“You were the one who invited him to join us,” Doug argued._

_“That’s when I thought he was your friend’s brother – not someone you used to fuck around with.”_

_“What difference does it make?”_

_“It makes a huge amount of difference and you know it,” Jack said angrily._

_“It shouldn’t,” Doug argued. “I’ve not seen him for years. I’ve not thought about him for years.”_

_“So why lie to me?”_

_“Because I knew you would make a big deal about it and I was right.”_

_“I can’t believe you’re still twisting this around on me,” Jack said, shaking his head, quickly losing the little energy he had left._

_“I didn’t do anything,” Doug said, his anger rising._

_“You were flirting with him.”_

_“No, I was not. That is ridiculous.”_

_“I saw you!” Jack bit back angrily, slamming his hand against the door, taking a deep breath trying to keep calm. “I saw you.”_

_“Jack, I was not flirting,” Doug said firmly._

_“Of course not,” Jack shook his head. “So that was all in my head? Same as all of his nasty little comments. I imagined it?”_

_“That’s just how he is,” Doug said weakly, knowing that his argument was waning. “It’s how he is with everyone.”_

_“And is he that flirtatious with everyone – or just you?”_

_“Why are you getting so angry with me about that? I can’t control how he behaves.”_

_“You didn’t have to enjoy it so much,” Jack said adamantly, remembering all the little coy smiles they had shared as though Jack was not there. “You didn’t have to get such a buzz out of it.”_

_“You know what – it did feel good,” Doug said plainly. “It was nice to have a bit of fun.”_

_“At my expense,” Jack said simply, unsure if it was better or worse now that Doug admitted that he was flirting. “Because you don’t have fun with me?”_

_“No – that’s not what I’m saying,” Doug said softly, it suddenly hitting him that Jack was more than just angry – he was hurt. “It didn’t mean anything,” Doug reasoned. “People flirt with you all the time and I don’t react like this.”_

_“Those people aren’t my exes and I don’t laugh and blush and encourage them.”_

_“It didn’t mean anything,” Doug persisted, frustrated by Jack’s lack of understanding._

_“It meant something to me or does that not matter?”_

_“This is insane – you know that, right?” Doug shook his head. “I think you’re just jealous that I was the one getting the attention for once.”_

_“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Jack bit back, completely offended. He stared back at him through the darkness, the light from outside the window casting shadows over the room, lighting the room enough to see the expression on Doug’s face – staunch and unmoving. “Is that really what you think?”_

_“I don’t know what to think. You’re acting crazy.”_

_“Is it crazy to be upset that my boyfriend would rather spend time with his obnoxious ex than me? To be upset that even though he was the one being a complete asshole, you thought it more appropriate to defend him?” Jack said angrily._

_“It wasn’t a choice between the two of you.”_

_“Of course it was!” Jack said angrily. “And you chose the wrong one. Every damn time – you chose the wrong person.”_

_“Jack,” Doug said, stepping towards him for the first time._

_“It shouldn’t have taken you three hours to figure out where you were supposed to be. It shouldn’t have been a difficult decision, Doug. Your choices couldn’t have been anymore opposite.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean me and Adam. You couldn’t have found two people more different if you tried; so maybe Adam was right. Maybe you’ve settled and it just took tonight for you to realise it,” Jack said, roughly wiping the tears from his cheeks, finally saying the words that were torturing him._

_“Why would you even say that?” Doug asked, shocked._

_“I think Adam summed up all my deficiencies perfectly. It just makes me wonder how much you have been willing to overlook based on the fact that you have limited options in Capeside. It’s not like you disagreed with his character assassination.”_

_“I swear, Jack – if this is another of your attempts to push me away…”_

_“Me?” Jack interrupted angrily. “I’m not the one doing anything. I’m just trying to explain to you what you seem to be completely incapable of seeing. Why is it so hard for you to admit that you’ve fucked up?”_

_“What do you want me to say?” Doug said, growing more angry – wishing he knew what to say to stop them going in circles._

_“I want you to say that he was wrong,” Jack said, as though it was the most obvious thing._

_Doug remained still, simply staring back. “Why do you care?”_

_“Unbelievable,” Jack said, shaking his head. He moved back from the doorway, back to his side of the bed, grabbing his pillow and one of the quilts. “How long did it take after I left for you to apologise to Adam for how I acted?” Jack asked. “What excuse did you use? That I have been under pressure recently? That I’m just another underpaid, sleep deprived, do-gooder teacher? Or maybe I was just disgruntled because you didn’t take me to more expensive restaurant.”_

_“Could you just calm down?” Doug replied, his heading spinning._

_“Stopping telling me to calm down!” Jack shouted. “Stop telling me that I’m acting crazy. The only crazy thing is that I’m still stood here when you can’t even find it in you to say you he was wrong.”_

_“Why does it matter? He doesn’t even know you.”_

_“That’s not the same thing!” Jack said angrily. “I don’t care what he thinks. I care what you think. I care how you see me. And if you see me anything like the person Adam described tonight then you may as well get in your car right now and head to Boston because trust me, you can do better that.”_

_“That’s very tempting the way you’re acting right now,” Doug bit back, regretting it immediately. That wasn’t what he meant – that wasn’t what he wanted._

_“Just go then!” Jack shouted, picking up his watch from the nightstand and throwing it at Doug. “And take this with you. I wouldn’t want you thinking this was all I was ever after.”_

_“Jack, I’m sorry – I didn’t mean that,” Doug said, deflated, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “Of course I don’t think any of those things about you. I love you.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, trying to keep his tears in – worried that if he let them out the emptiness within him would continue to grow. “And yet tonight, for the first time, I don’t believe you.”_

_The room fell deathly silent, both men shocked by what Jack had said. It felt as though all the air had been sucked out of the room – both of them winded and gasping for breath; anything to keep them alive. Both men felt battered and bruised – both knowing Jack’s words could well be their fatal blow. More than once Doug tried to say something, never managing to find any words. He looked down at Jack’s watch in his hands, wondering how he had managed to get everything so wrong._

_Unable to take the painful silence anymore, Jack made his way back to the door – knowing that they both needed some space. The sudden movement shaking Doug from his thoughts._

_“What was I supposed to do?” Doug asked – his voice an almost whisper, not wanting Jack to walk away. “What should I have done?”_

_Jack paused in the doorway, refusing to turn back and face the other man. “You should have come home with me,” he said, his voice shaking slightly, trying to hold back the emotion. “You should have defended me when he talked to me the way he did. You should have given a shit about my feelings, Doug. It’s all pretty simple.”_

_“I do care about your feelings,” Doug said, standing up and moving closer to the other man – for the first time close enough to reach out and touch him, but too scared to._

_“Not enough,” Jack said, his voice shaking. “Not even close,” he added as he began to once again move, disappearing through the doorway and into the darkness, leaving Doug standing alone._

***

_Jack was not sure how much time had passed since he had curled up on the couch, head buried in his pillow – refusing to move; even while knowing that he was unlikely to sleep. For a while he had heard shuffling coming from upstairs; the sound of Doug pacing back and forth in the hallway – at one point sure he had heard Doug’s footsteps on the stairs only to turn around and go back up. He had pushed his face deeper into the pillow, pulled the light quilt up around his cold body and prayed that everything inside his head would stop long enough to allow his exhaustion to take over._

_He was angry with Doug and frustrated with himself – going over all the things that had been said, wondering what he could have said different to make his point clearer because clearly Doug did not understand. He knew that Doug loved him – he regretted saying what he had, even if he had been made to feel that way. It was his intention to hurt Doug. That was the last thing he wanted. He just wanted him to understand how everything had made him feel – his constant refusal to accept Jack’s side of things just making him more and more frustrated until he did not know how else to make his voice heard._

_He knew that Doug would never cheat on him – he was not that sort of man, but that did not mean that he feared him craving someone else any less. The introduction of Adam into his consciousness had thrown him – not expecting to ever fun into someone Doug had previously had feelings for, or a relationship with. Certainly not in Capeside. Watching as they laughed and joked; the way Doug looked at him, making the reality of Doug once having feelings for someone else a little too real for him. Maybe he was jealous. Maybe Doug was right. He hated the idea of Doug ever lusting after someone else, fantasising about them, touching them – letting them touch him. Jack had never classed himself as the jealous type before but maybe the introduction of Doug into his life had changed that._

_But none of that changed the fact that Adam was being seemingly purposely antagonistic – somehow homing in on all of Jack’s insecurities with precision and skill. Maybe Jack had overreacted, but he still could not get over the fact Doug did nothing to defend him – actually doing the opposite and accusing him of being the problem. It was as though Doug was embarrassed of him, somehow making Adam’s words far more hard hitting. When Doug had allowed him to walk away and had not returned home for so long, the only explanation Jack could come to was that Doug had realised that what they had only looked good because he had nothing to compare it to. By the time Doug had returned home, Jack had been so on edge, expecting Doug to confess his epiphany that he was not prepared to hear anything else. The whole argument had felt fragmented and non-sensical – the very way Jack felt their relationship was at that moment._

_The longer he stayed curled up on the couch the worse he began to feel. He wished he had given Doug more of a chance to explain himself rather than automatically going on the attack – knowing full well that Doug’s ability to understand his side would be dramatically diminished the moment he lashed out. He wished he had been able to contain his anger and frustrations a little more, wondering if maybe the outcome would have been different._

_Jack was so lost in thought, his eyelids growing heavier, hopeful that sleep would eventually take hold, that he did not hear the soft footsteps on the stairs, or notice the movement in the room until he felt the edge of the couch dip behind his body. He felt a hand hovering over his shoulder, not quite touching – the heat radiating onto his skin. He stayed still; his body curled up facing away from the other man._

_“I’m so sorry,” Doug said softly, not even sure if Jack was awake. He felt sick to his stomach; having been lying awake going over each and every one of Jack’s words as though he was hearing them for the first time; angry with himself for each and every flippant and hurtful response he had made to the man who was simply trying to explain how hurt he had been by his actions. Actions that made sense a few hours ago suddenly feeling more foreign than anything he had ever experienced._

_Finally laying his hand on Jack’s shoulder, unable to hold back any longer, he felt Jack’s body tense, a gentle vibration coursing through him as his grief once again began to escape. “Jack, I love you,” he said softly, knowing that those words alone could not possibly make up for everything. He felt ashamed of himself for the things he knew he could not magically erase even though he desperately wanted to._

_Bumping in Adam after so many years had been a complete shock. He realised quite quickly that he had no idea how to be around him anymore. The man that he had once shared his deepest secrets with, a man that once upon a time knew him better than most, someone he had never really been ‘friends’ with – suddenly stood in front of him. He looked virtually the same as he had all those years before, smiled the same way when Doug spoke, laughed in the same tone – only this time, all these years on, it did not have the same effect on him. It did not wake the butterflies from within. It did not drive Doug crazy with desire. He was just a man – a shadow from the past. Nothing more. But habits are hard to break and while the intention was not the same as it had been years before, Doug knew that the behaviour was._

_Doug had been transported back to the time when Adam’s touch was enough to make up for his abrasive personality. Back when his drive for money had seemed more like ambition, and his need to put down anyone around him that he deemed to be a threat was all part of the self-confidence that Doug had admired about him – mistaking his weakness for strength. Doug knew that back then he had overlooked a lot of things that were less than desirable because for a time Adam had been his only outlet for all the things Doug craved. Even though Doug no longer craved those things from Adam, his body still remembered the thrill of being the center of his attention, too easily lost back into the game of it all to notice how Adam had made Jack a pawn in a game he never should have been introduced to._

_He hated himself for accusing Jack of being jealous. He had every right to be. Doug had behaved horribly. But on reflection, Doug realised it was so much deeper than that. Adam had a skill for picking at the very insecurities of a person. He had once boasted to Doug how that was his hidden talent – the thing that made him so successful in his work. It had been years before he realised that it was exactly what he had done to him throughout the length of their relationship – picking at his deepest and darkest fears, manipulating him for fun – realising once again too late that he had also done it to Jack. All Jack needed was for Doug to put a stop to it, and Doug failed to give him that._

_“Jack, please talk to me,” Doug begged, his hand moving gently over Jack’s shoulder._

_“Go back to bed,” Jack said, voice muffled by the pillow, still refusing to move._

_“Not without you,” Doug replied, shaking his head. “I was wrong. About everything. I wish I could take it all back.”_

_“But you can’t.”_

_“I know,” Doug said sadly. “Could you at least let me try and make it right?”_

_“You can’t,” Jack said again, curling his body up a little more tightly, shrugging Doug’s hand off of his shoulder._

_Doug sighed deeply, trying to think of a way to make Jack listen. “I fucked up. I know that that. It shouldn’t have taken you to tell me that to realise. You shouldn’t have needed to say any of the things you did. I was wrong. Simple as that.”_

_Doug heard Jack make a small noise, a sarcastic grunt of agreement mostly lost in the pillow that his face was still pressed into. Normally such a response would cause Doug to roll his eyes, but this time it he knew it was the lifeline he was praying for._

_“Jack,” Doug continued, returning his hand to Jack’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry tonight turned out the way it did. I’m sorry that I acted the way I did. I didn’t mean to disregard your feelings and I know that accusing you of being jealous was not fair. You had every right to react the way you did. It was me that behaved appallingly.”_

_“Tell me something I don’t know,” Jack said, his voice monotone, but this time he lifted up from the pillow enough to sound less muffled._

_“Okay,” Doug nodded. “How about this – everything Adam said about you was wrong. I should have told him that while you were still there rather than waiting until after you left.”_

_Jack shifted ever so slightly, not quite revealing his face, but enough for Doug to know he was listening._

_“I love you. Not in spite of all those things but because of them. I love how you would never sell you soul just to make more money. I love how your job is not just a career but a calling, and how passionate you are about it. I love how hard you work and never complain, and how you put your whole self into everything. You make being selfless look so damn easy, when really it’s the hardest thing in the world,” Doug explained. “But I see you, Jack – I see your heart in everything you do and I am proud of you. I’m proud to be with you. I should never have implied that you are not enough, because that couldn’t be further from the truth. I hate that I made you feel that I have anything but respect and admiration for what you do.”_

_Doug was faced with silence, knowing he had a lot more work to do to fix this._

_“And the reason I never told you about Adam was because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want you to ever know that I was ever with someone like him. He is self-centered and vain and nothing even remotely special; and years ago, he was all I really thought I deserved. Someone to use without guilt because I knew he was doing the same. What I had with him does not compare to what I have with you. It was never real. So when I said it wasn’t a choice between you, I meant it. It’s simple – no competition. It will always be you. And it wouldn’t make any difference if we lived in Capeside or Boston or New York. It wouldn’t matter how many options I had. I would still only want you.”_

_“That’s easy to say now,” Jack said coldly._

_“I know,” Doug agreed. “I wish I could explain what happened tonight. I wish I had a reasonable explanation for it, but I don’t. Not one that will make any of this better anyway. I love you. And it breaks my heart…” Doug said taking a deep breath, trying to stop his voice from shaking. “It breaks my heart that you doubted that tonight.” He paused, unsure if he could continue. “I can’t bear it. I never want you to feel that way – not because of me, because the truth is, Jack, that loving you has given me the strength to love myself in a way that never seemed possible before. Loving you has made my world make sense in a way I never could have imagined. You are the one thing in my life that I am absolutely certain about. I never want you to doubt that.”_

_Jack rolled over slightly more, the creases from the pillow visible on his face in the moonlight coming through the window. He rubbed his hands roughly over his eyes before looking at Doug. “Shame I’m such a gold-digger.”_

_Doug laughed slightly despite himself, wondering how Jack always knew what to say to break the tension. “If you are,” Doug smiled softly. “You’re really bad at it.”_

_“Don’t joke,” Jack said simply. “You haven’t earnt the right to be joking right now.”_

_“Sorry,” Doug said softly, shifting on the couch to adjust to Jack’s new position. “Everything that was said tonight was wrong. I know you know that. At least I hope you do. But I should have said it anyway.”_

_“You should have,” Jack agreed._

_“I know,” Doug nodded, moving in a little closer, relieved when Jack did not pull back. “You don’t have anything to be jealous of. Not with him. Not with anyone.”_

_“But I was,” Jack said simply. “I saw the way you looked at him. It looked pretty real to me.”_

_Doug looked down, unable to look Jack in the eye, not sure how to explain it. “Seeing Adam after all these years, I guess a part of me remembered how things were. I got lost in that. But it was never real. Not back then or tonight. Everything with Adam was gameplay. I always felt as though he had the upper hand – that he was always the one that had his life together. Tonight it felt good feeling like the one that had everything.”_

_“You mean having two men fighting over you.”_

_“No, I mean being there with you,” Doug replied. “I know it sounds crazy, and completely wrong, but I got a rush out of Adam seeing me with you. Seeing how much things have changed. It felt so good to have the roles reversed that I didn’t stop to think how it was hurting you.”_

_“I was right, there is something wrong with you,” Jack replied, his words harsh but tone soft, shaking his head slightly. “I hope the rush was worth it.”_

_“It wasn’t,” Doug confessed. “I’m sorry.”_

_“Doug, you’re driving me crazy,” Jack said, pulling himself into a seated position. “Could we please stop talking about Adam. I don’t give a shit about him. It’s you that messed up.”_

_“I know. I’m sorry. I wish I had done everything differently. I ruined a great evening. I was really enjoying us being out together and you relaxing a little.”_

_“So was I,” Jack confessed._

_“The irony of it all is that I have spent the last year or so dreading the moment that I ever come face to face with one of your exes because the reality is I don’t think I could have dealt with it half as well you did tonight.”_

_“Lucky then that right now the biggest asshole I’ve ever dated is you,” Jack said, unable to hide the faintest flash of a smile._

_“I deserve that.”_

_“You do,” Jack agreed, eyes fixed on Doug’s, feeling the wave of emotion that he thought he had always ridden out suddenly come crashing back. He shook his head, taking a deep breath, desperately wanting his tears to stay in – not quite managing. “You’re such an idiot.”_

_“I know,” Doug nodded, shifting forward a little more, hand finding Jack’s cheek, his thumb wiping away a couple of tears that had escaped. “I’m sorry, Jack. I never meant to hurt you.”_

_Jack shook his head slightly, trying to push the memory of the night from his mind. Never having imagined Doug acting like that. “I just figured maybe you’d had a change of heart,” he said, eyes dipped._

_“Never,” Doug said simply, shaking his head. “I could never.”_

_Jack closed his eyes, leaning into the feel of Doug’s hand against him, hating how much he craved his touch – the effect it had on him. “So am I supposed to just forgive you now?”_

_“Only you can decide that,” Doug replied softly, leaning forward until his face was almost touching the other man’s. “But I really am sorry.”_

_Without opening his eyes Jack knew Doug was right in front of him; he could imagine the look in his eyes. The way the blue would be sparkling in the moonlight, pleading with him for the forgiveness that they both knew he was going to give._

_“If you want to be stubborn – or punish me,” Doug said, edging closer, his nose brushing over Jacks, his lips almost touching the other man’s, “I wouldn’t blame you.”_

_Jack sighed, feeling his breath making contact with the lips in front of his, wondering when his hand had made its way to Doug’s waist. “Tell me, Sheriff,” he spoke softly, “what is the right punishment for my boyfriend being a thoughtless, inconsiderate, arrogant ass?” Jack asked, barely a breath between their lips, his hand beginning to move gently over Doug’s side._

_“Arrogant?” Doug replied, unable to hold back a slight laugh. “Ouch.” His hand moved from Jack’s cheek, fingers running through his hair, desperately wanting Jack to close the paper thin gap between their mouths. “I guess that’s fair.”_

_“I think so,” Jack agreed, nodding – once again leaning into the feel of Doug’s touch._

_“This is beginning to feel like punishment,” Doug groaned, feeling his whole body tense, trying to hold back._

_Jack sat up a little, his chest rising, pushing forward, his hand slipping from Doug’s waist to the small of his back, holding him firmly in place. He felt Doug’s hand move to his side, pushing the quilt that was still strewn over him a little further down his outstretched legs – tracing back up his body to his hip._

_“I’m not interested in punishment or playing games,” Jack whispered, lifting his chin enough for his mouth to finally meet Doug’s, lips grazing over the other man’s for the briefest of moments. “I just need to know that what happened tonight will never happen again.”_

_“Never,” Doug replied, his fingers pressing into the flesh on Jack’s hip even more deeply, feeling like he was about to burst._

_“And that you love me,” Jack said simply, this time pulling back, wanting to see Doug’s face. “Only me.”_

_“Like no one ever before,” Doug replied, his eyes fixed on Jack’s, praying he had done enough to make him believe. “Or ever again.”_

_“I don’t want to hear it,” Jack said. “I want to feel it.”_

_Unable to hold back any longer, Doug moved forward, mouth immediately finding Jack’s, the feelings that he had been trying to keep in now tumbling out of him. His hands desperate for contact, craving skin to skin; tugging at Jack’s T-shirt, needing to be underneath it. Jack’s skin like fire, burning into him as though he was being branded – leaving him wondering if either of them would come away unmarked._

_His hand gripped at Jack’s side, clinging to him tightly as though he were sand slipping though his fingers – pulling him close, not wanting any space between them. Needing to feel him. He shifted position, no longer sitting on the edge of the couch, instead kneeling on the floor, not once moving his lips from Jack’s; his hand travelling Jack’s side, resting on his chest, feeling the fast paced beat from within._

_Jack kicked the quilt off from his legs, pressing his feet flat against the softness of the couch, raising his knees, pushing his shoulders deeper into the cushion beneath him, feeling dizzy from Doug’s kiss. Hand moving to Doug’s face, he slowly pulled away, kissing Doug gently once more before tilting his head slightly so their foreheads pressed together, eyes closed as he lay breathing in the other man. His other hand found Doug’s on his chest, pressing the palm of his hand against the back of Doug’s, intertwining their fingers – holding him securely. His thumb stroked over Doug’s as he opened his eyes, the tension that had previously filled the room now melting away as he lost himself in the blue of the other man’s eyes, just like so many times before._

_Doug smiled, not needing Jack to say what he was thinking; knowing that all was forgiven. Feeling grateful and undeserving in the same breath he pushed his cheek more firmly against Jack’s hand, kissing Jack’s thumb softly as it traced its way over his lips. He had so many things he knew he should have said. So many betters ways of trying to explain himself. None of them having come out when he had tried. He wished he could simply give Jack a key to his brain and let him have full access to everything he thought and felt. That way he knew Jack would never doubt his feelings again._

_“I know,” Jack said softly, as though he actually had been privy to Doug’s thoughts. Leaning forward again, Jack kissed Doug – slowly and deeply, as though he knew they were in no hurry, willing to give his whole life to the pursuit. His tongue moved against Doug’s as he hand moved to the back of Doug’s head, playing in his hair, knowing the combination would drive Doug wild – wanting him to let go. He felt Doug’s fingers tighten around his, hand still against his chest as his other hand once again began to travel Jack’s body, the familiar combination of firm but gentle, caressing him, seeking out skin._

_Pulling back, Doug removed his own t-shirt, hands quickly moving to the bottom of Jack’s shirt, lifting it up his body, watching as Jack sat up enough for it to be fully removed, discarding it on the floor. His mouth moved to Jack’s chest, his teeth gently scraping over his skin before kissing his way over firm muscle, tongue teasing Jack’s nipple. He smiled hearing Jack’s moan, wanting nothing more than to continue causing that sound, wanting Jack to feel the full extent of his love. Standing from his position on the floor, Doug kissed Jack once more before moving down the couch, his hands finding the top of Jack’s underwear, inching it down his body before completely removing it._

_His eyes met Jack’s once more as he watched him prop himself up on his elbows, watching him intently, his chest rising and falling in anticipation as Doug settled himself between his legs – his knees still arched. Doug smiled playfully as he bent forward, hands running down Jack’s thighs, pleased to feel the shudder than ran though Jack’s body. He dipped his head, mouth finding the soft flesh on of Jack’s inner thigh, kissing his way higher, occasionally allowing his teeth to scrape over the soft skin, spurred on by the gasps and moans coming from the other man – his hips bucking in anticipation._

_Not wanting to leave Jack waiting longer than necessary, Doug ducked down, his shoulders fitting in under Jack’s raised knees, his arms looping underneath, hands resting on the top of Jack’s thighs, stroking gently as Doug tongue worked the whole of Jack’s length, enticing a moan thick with desire. Doug let his mouth play over the tip, tongue and lips joining together in a common goal, getting the first taste of the man Doug craved like no other – his hands on Jack’s thighs doing their best to hold Jack him place. Doug responded to Jack’s moans with another full length swipe with his tongue, amused by Jack’s protest as he pulled away._

_He looked up, turned on by the lustful look on Jack’s face, the storminess of his eyes – the look that never failed to drive him crazy. He smiled playfully, noticing the questioning look he received in response the split second before he dipped back down, arms wrapping more securely around Jack’s legs, nuzzling into the smooth skin of his inner thigh, kissing and gently nipping as he made his way towards Jack’s ass. Doug felt Jack take in a sudden draw of breath as he realised that Doug had something different planned to what he had originally assumed. Pulling one of his hands back from around Jack’s leg, Doug brought it to Jack’s ass, massaging the tight flesh before using his hand to open Jack up, allowing his tongue better access to his desired spot._

_The groan Jack made as Doug’s tongue first made contact echoed around the room, merging with the gasp he made shortly after. Doug felt Jack reposition himself, lifting one of his legs and draping over the back of the couch, giving Doug even better access. Taking that as great encouragement, Doug continued, starting slow, working his way around the tight muscle, licking softly and then more firmly, feeling Jack push back against him every time he moved over the desired spot. He experimented with different strokes, long and short, listening out for the different reaction each one received – pleased to hear the sharpness of each of Jack’s breaths._

_“Doug,” Jack moaned, no longer able to hold his position on his elbows, falling back into the pillow beneath him._

_Doug paused for a moment, glancing back up at Jack, his hand stroking over his thigh before returning his attention to his task, this time pushing a little more firmly against the muscle, gently penetrating it, hearing the reaction from Jack, increasing his own arousal. He continued to move, listening to the different sounds coming from the other man, committing to memory the movements that caused the most pleasure, wondering why this was not something he had tried before – the simple sound of Jack’s enjoyment being more arousing than any touch he could imagine in that moment._

_Deciding it was time to increase the pleasure, he moved his hand from Jack’s thigh, reaching for his length, wrapping his fingers skillfully around it, stroking to the rhythm of his mouth. He felt Jack tighten as he released a moan of pleasure. He did not need to see Jack’s face to know he had his head thrown back; mouth open in a muted cry. He knew without looking that Jack’s eyes would be tightly closed, his fingers gripping the couch beneath him until his knuckles turned white. He knew he could carry on like this, wait for the sound of Jack’s breathing to change – keep going until Jack was spent but that was not how he wanted this to end._

_Moving his mouth away, he glanced up Jack’s body, smiling as he saw his mental image of Jack had been exact. Halting the stroking of his hand, he quickly replaced his tongue it his fingers, pushing deep inside of Jack, feeling his back arch as he moaned. Doug teasingly worked his tongue over Jack’s length once more, his fingers twisting and manipulating inside of Jack, preparing him for the next step of his bodily onslaught. He grinned as Jack pushed back against him, silently begging to feel more than just Doug’s fingers inside of him._

_“It’s coming,” he said, voice low. “Be patient.”_

_“I can’t,” Jack groaned through clenched teeth – needing more and needing it quickly, every part of his body feeling as though it could burst into flames, each one of Doug’s touches caused the spark that threatened to set him alight._

_“Slow,” Doug emphasised again, hand massaging Jack’s thigh as his fingers continued to twist and probe, watching Jack’s face as he put pressure on the very spot he was looking for, feeling Jack’s whole body shudder, his arched leg pushing out, heel digging into the softness of the couch._

_“Oh god,” Jack gasped, certain he would not last much longer if Doug continued. “Please,” he begged, praying that Doug understood._

_Doug smiled, slowly pulling back, removing his fingers. Straightening up and standing from the couch he removed his own underwear, now hyper-aware of how hard he had become – each and every one of Jack’s moans and gasps arousing him even more than usual. Climbing back onto the couch, he once again settled between Jack’s legs, gently lowering his body down over the other man’s, unable to hold back the moan that was building within as he brushed against Jack, his mouth returning to Jack’s._

_Kissing him slowly, feeling Jack pushing up against him firmly, he softly ran a hand though Jack’s hair. His other hand rested on the curve of Jack’s ass; Jack’s leg wrapping around him, increasing the pressure. He continued to kiss him, tongue playing over Jack’s as he carefully lifted his hips, repositioning himself, feeling Jack intensify the kiss, hands firmly gripping his shoulders as he slowly eased his way into him. Moving slowly, resisting the urge to thrust forward all at once, he broke his mouth away from Jack’s, kissing his way over his jawline, down to his neck, his tongue moving over his skin before continuing to kiss, the whole time pushing deeper into the other man until he could move no further._

_Resting on his forearms at Jack’s sides, he looped his hands up under Jack’s shoulders, fingers gently gripping on to him – stilling all movements as he continued to kiss his way down Jack’s neck, lifting enough to be able to run his mouth over Jack’s collarbone, savouring the taste and scent of the other man._

_“Doug, please,” Jack pleaded, lifting his hips, trying to entice some kind of movement from the other man. “This is torture.”_

_Lifting his head, he moved his face back to Jack’s, kissing him softly. “I just want to savour every second.”_

_“You’re killing me,” Jack groaned dramatically, laughing, causing Doug to do the same._

_“Sorry,” he smiled, giving into Jack’s will, beginning to move – slowly and firmly thrusting, instantly feeling Jack’s body relax, begin to loosen and become more fluid._

_His mouth once again found Jack’s, kissing him slowly, deeply, moving at the same pace as each of his thrusts – hard but slow, feeling an intensity building between them. It felt like electricity – a forcefield creating a bubble around them. Impenetrable from the outside world._

_“I love you,” Doug said, his mouth hovering over Jack’s, nose softly nudging against the other man’s, eyelashes grazing against Jack’s cheek. “I love you so much.”_

_Jack’s hand moved to Doug’s face, thumb stroking over light stubble, unable to resist pushing against his body, lost in the sensation of everything he had been craving. “I know,” Jack said softly, his mouth opening; no longer able to hold back a moan._

_“Never doubt it,” Doug said, suddenly pushing forward a little harder, unable to maintain a slower pace, increasing his speed, releasing a moan as he pressed his forehead against Jack’s shoulder, once again increasing the speed. “I want you to feel it always.”_

_Fingers desperately gripped onto Doug’s shoulders, head pushed backward into the pillow beneath him, Jack let out a gasp. “I do,” he said, trying to catch his breath under the weight of Doug’s body pressed against him; chest to chest. Jack could feel himself becoming overwhelmed; feeling exactly what Doug was trying to express. “I love you too.”_

_As though Jack’s words of confirmation erased the last shred of control he had remaining, Doug began to move more feverishly – satisfied that Jack felt his love; now he wanted him to feel pure pleasure. Lifting his body a little, he balanced on one arm, allowing him to move the other so his hand was resting on Jack’s ass, forearm pressed along Jack’s thigh as he leg wrapped more tightly around him. Continuing to move at pace, he shifted slightly, wanting to draw more sounds of enjoyment from the other man, moaning himself as the new position created new sparks. Shifting once more he felt Jack tighten around him, a shudder passing through his body, his eyes squeezing shut as he let out a laboured breath._

_Wanting to keep the momentum going Doug moved his hand, finding Jack’s hardened length, stroking it firmly, their bodies so close that each stroke caused friction against Doug’s body as he continued to thrust, causing Jack’s moans turn into full on cries as Doug manipulated him perfectly._

_“Don’t stop,” Jack gasped, back arching in pleasure – his chest rising and falling at pace, feeling himself charging closer to the edge with each of Doug’s experienced movements._

_Doug felt Jack’s knee bend upwards, foot once again flat against the couch, his hips rising, pushing up harshly, causing Doug’s breath to catch, a moan from the depths of his body making its way out. He gasps for air, doing his best to keep composure, using his own hips to try and keep Jack’s down, feeling him tighten around him as he pushed back harshly._

_The sound of Jack’s voice, full of fulfillment, echoed around the room – Doug feeling heat against his hand and stomach as Jack came, Jack’s hand clawing at the hair on the back of his head, hips once again trying to rise up off the couch. Determined to keep Jack in place a little longer, Doug moved his slick hand from Jack’s body, lowering himself back down on his forearms, body pressed flat against the other man’s. Thrusting hard a couple more times, Jack pulling his mouth to his, closing over it just at the very moment Doug reached his peak – his body trembling as he came inside his lover, the cry of pleasure that poured out of him making it no further than Jack’s open and wanting mouth._

_Collapsing down onto Jack, the ache in his arms now noticeable, he tried to draw in air, feeling the pounding in his chest mirroring that of the other man’s – mouth still on Jack’s, the pace of the kiss beginning to decrease as he sighed softly against him._

_“That was some apology,” Jack said, breath still not quite back to normal – not caring that it was hindered by the man pressed against his chest._

_“Does that mean I’m forgiven?” Doug asked, kissing Jack again – unsure he had the energy to attempt anything else._

_“For tonight,” Jack smiled, fingers combing through Doug’s hair. “I may need reminding in the morning.”_

_“I hope you mean breakfast in bed,” Doug laughed, not even sure he could move._

_“If that’s what you want to call it,” Jack laughed back. “I’m okay with that.”_

_“I thought you said you weren’t interested in punishment?”_

_Jack smiled back at him, kissing him softly. “I lied.”_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jack pushed the remaining food around his plate, not able to finish. As much as he had been telling everyone that it was just a normal day in his life, just like any other, he knew that was not really true – the enormity of it hammering down on him harder with each passing hour. He had been holding it together all day, trying not to think about it, but now, each breath he took did not seem to be doing enough to keep his head from swimming; each time he swallowed he felt resistance. The longer he sat at the table pretending everything was normal the harder it was becoming.

“I’ve never seen you leave food,” Pacey said jokingly. “Everything okay?”

“Yes,” Jack nodded, looking up suddenly, putting down his fork. “It was great, Pacey – thank you. I’m just not as hungry as I thought.”

“I guess there’s a first time for everything,” Pacey nodded, trying to figure out what it was about Jack’s demeanor that had changed since he had first arrived. He glanced over to Doug who did not seem to have noticed, or if he had did not seem concerned. “Would you like anything else – coffee; dessert?” 

Doug looked over to Jack, pretty sure he knew what the answer would be but wanting to check. “I think we’re just going to head home.”

“Sure. Okay,” Pacey nodded. “I guess it’s felt like a long day.”

“Thank you for dinner,” Doug said sincerely, eyes narrowing on Jack - watching as he wiped the palms of his hands over his pants as he took a deep breath.

Looking up, Jack suddenly realised he was being watched. “I think I’m just tired. I was up early for that meeting.”

“You two get going,” Pacey said, standing from the table and gathering together the plates. 

“We can help clean up,” Jack offered.

“No, absolutely not,” Pacey said, glancing out of the window. “If you leave now you may make it home before dark. I wouldn’t want you out past your bedtime.”

“I’m not even going to come up with a witty come back because that actually sounds perfect,” Jack joked back, standing up from the table, grabbing his Jacket from the back of his chair, pulling it on, hand dipping into his pocket to make sure he had everything. “Add dinner to my tab.”

“Naturally,” Pacey smiled. “When exactly do you plan on settling the tab?”

“I wouldn’t hold your breath,” Jack joked, pulling his friend into a hug. “See you soon, Pacey.”

“Bye, guys,” Pacey nodded as Jack pulled back, moving back to Doug’s side.

Doug nodded in his brother’s direction as he walked away, feeling Jack fall into step behind him. Opening the door, he held it for Jack, feeling the cool air of the evening hit him. 

“Are you okay?” Doug asked, taking hold of Jack’s hand as they walked away from the Icehouse.

“I’m fine,” Jack nodded, giving Doug’s hand a little squeeze.

“You got a little quiet towards the end of dinner.”

“I know – sorry. I guess the day suddenly caught up with me.”

“I knew we should have brough the car.”

“No,” Jack disagreed. “The walk home will be nice. Fancy walking down the beach?”

“It will take longer,” Doug reasoned.

“It will be more romantic,” Jack smiled softly, glancing to his side to see Doug smiling back at him.

“Okay,” Doug nodded. “Sounds nice.”

“Sounds nice?” Jack laughed. “A walk along the beach at sunset is nice? I thought you were the romantic one of the two of us?”

Doug laughed. “Sorry. You’re right. It sounds perfect.”

They walked hand in hand down the boardwalk and towards the beach, stepping down onto the sand. The water was still – the reflections of the setting sun reflecting off of the surface making it look golden. The beach was quiet; not another person in sight – the only sound being the gentle lashing of the waves against the sand. 

Jack took a deep breath, inhaling the sea air – the feelings of unease that had managed to creep back in during dinner now once again melting away. He knew it was time to let go of all of that. He knew once and for all this was the moment he had to choose to move on – no longer simply giving lip service to it. The fear and the doubt no longer had a place within him. He refused to spend another minute questioning every move he made; every decision. Not when the answer was clear – his path was clear. He knew that it always had been; knowing now with certainty that it had always been leading to the same place.

“Do you remember when I found you on the beach?” Jack asked, breaking their silence. “After our argument. The day after I heard you talking to Pacey about us.”

Doug looked at him – too many questions in his head to begin to process them. “I remember. I didn’t think you remembered though.”

“I remembered recently,” Jack admitted, looking down at the sand as the continue to walk. “I have spent months waiting for all of my memories to come flooding back. Never sure if I was missing anything – always slightly concerned what else may come back to me and when.” He took a deep breath, the sea air once again calming him, hoping Doug would not notice how clammy his palms were becoming. “And then I remembered that.” 

“That’s a good thing, right?” Doug asked, slightly thrown by Jack’s far off stare.

“I didn’t realise it until this last week, maybe even just these last few days, but ever since that moment, since that memory came back – I no longer feel like I’m chasing anything. I’m not looking for memories anymore. I’m not worried about what may come back to me. Because, somehow, without me even realising it, I feel complete again,” Jack said simply, hoping Doug understood. “At first I thought it was because I’ve remembered everything, but I don’t think that’s true. I just think that particular memory was the one I needed.”

“What do you remember?” Doug asked, wondering how accurate Jack’s memory of that moment was.

He smiled slightly at the memory. “I remember you sitting by the water, and the look on your face. I remember the feeling of terror at the thought of losing you.”

“You were never going to lose me,” Doug confessed. “I wasn’t ready to give up.”

“And then I remembered the look in your eyes the moment before you kissed me. The way it felt. The complete overwhelming rush of realising that you were everything I would ever want. That you _are_ everything I could ever want.” Jack could feel tears beginning to fill his eyes, trying desperately to keep them in. Doug’s hand held his a little more tightly. “I’ve remembered a lot of things over the course of this year, but none of them hit as hard as that one.”

“Why?” Doug asked, the pace of his walking slowing to the point that they were barely moving at all.

“Because,” Jack said, exhaling. “That was the moment before the crash that I realised exactly what I had. Exactly what I could lose. It was the moment that I realised that I didn’t need to be scared or insecure anymore. I didn’t need to push you or test you. I just needed to have faith that you weren’t going anywhere. And there have been times since the accident, where I have continued to do those things,” he shook his head, eyes dipping back to the sand. “And I’m so sorry.”

“Jack,” Doug said softly, turning to face him. “You don’t need to apologise.”

“Just hear me out,” Jack said, his hand moving to Doug’s waist. “I so desperately wanted to believe that the accident had not changed me. That it hadn’t changed my feelings or how I reacted to things. I was adamant that it wouldn’t impact on us. But the simple fact of forgetting something so important did do all of those things. I look back at some of the ways I’ve reacted to things this last year and I can’t stand it because I know that if I had remembered this sooner it would have been different.”

“It’s not your fault,” Doug said softly, reaching out and wiping a tear from Jack’s cheek. “You had no control of what you remembered and when.”

“I know,” Jack nodded. “I’m just upset that it took me so long to get to this point.”

“What point?” Doug asked, it dawning on him that Jack had been holding this in for a while, waiting for the perfect moment to let it out.

“The point of knowing – without any doubt or fear, that my life is only worth living because you’re in it.”

Doug shook his head. “That’s not true.”

“It is,” Jack nodded. “You are what gives my life meaning. I would not have made it through the last year without you.”

“I know that feeling,” Doug nodded, not quite sure what else he could say.

“Doug, you’ve changed my life,” Jack said simply. “You’ve given me the strength to keep going even in the moments that I didn’t think I could. You’ve been my reason to get out of bed on the days that it seemed too difficult. You’ve been the one reason to keep fighting because without you there would not have been any point. You have shown me, over and over again, that it’s okay to trust someone – and you have always been there, not once faltering, even when I pushed or tested you. You’ve put up with my bad moods, my frustration, my occasional flair for the dramatics,” he laughed, despite the tears on his cheeks. 

“I’ve had my moments too,” Doug said, feeling Jack was being too kind. 

“No,” Jack shook his head. “You have been more than I could ever have asked for. Certainly more than could ever have expected. More than I deserved.”

“That’s where we’re going to have to agree to disagree,” Doug said, taking a deep breath, trying to keep his emotions in check but knowing he was failing. 

The setting sun created a glow over the beach, forming a halo behind Jack as he stood with his back to the water. “Remembering that particular memory made me realise that I never want to feel that kind terror again – that fear that I could lose you. It made me realise that I have to do whatever it take to keep you.”

“Jack, I’m not going anywhere,” Doug said, taking hold of Jack’s hand, feeling it shake within his grasp. “I promise.”

“Good,” Jack nodded, a smile growing on his face. 

Doug watched on questioningly as Jack dug his hand into his pocket, his fingers wrapping around something. Jack took a step backwards, eyes looking into Doug’s, the smile on his face remaining, trying to cover his nerves – effortlessly dipping down to be on one knee, his hand still holding the other man’s. Everything around them seemed to slow, sounds fading away into the distance – just the two of them in focus as everything else disappeared. 

Doug’s eyes widened, his heart pounding, wondering if he was imagining the scene in front of him. “What are you doing?”

“Doug, I love you more than I ever thought was possible,” Jack said, staring back up at the man he adored, his heart pounding so hard that he was sure Doug could hear it. “You are what gives my life purpose. Through the good and the difficult times, you have been my rock. You’ve been patient and understanding through everything that life has thrown at us. You are the reason my heart is still beating. There is no one like you,” Jack said, pulling his hand from his pocket, holding a small box, taking his hand back from Doug in order to open; revealing a ring. “I want to spend every day of the rest of my life loving you,” he said, his voice cracking slightly. “Doug,” he smiled, “will you marry me?” 

Doug stared back at Jack, eyes jumping between Jack and the ring – his brain desperately trying to catch up; trying to figure out if this was some elaborate joke. He could feel the pounding of his heart echoing around his ears – counting the number of beats between each swell of the tide lapping against the sand. He opened his mouth to say something but no sound came out.

“Doug?” Jack said, taking hold of his hand again, his thumb stroking over it, beginning to worry slightly, staring back up at the man in front of him. “Please say something.”

Doug continued to stare back at him, suddenly pulling his hand away. “Jack,” he said, shaking his head.

“Oh god,” Jack said frozen, feeling winded – unable to breathe. Suddenly he felt as though the world was crumbling – the time that had been frozen now moving at pace making the sand feel unsteady underneath him. “Oh god,” he said again, lowering his other knee, now kneeling in the sand. He looked down at the ring in his hand, suddenly wanting to throw it into the sea – anything to get it away from him.

“Jack,” Doug said again, managing to regain some of his senses, seeing the look of complete despair on Jack’s face. “Jack – no.”

“No?” Jack said back, feeling like he was going to be sick.

“No,” Doug said flustered, shaking his head in a panic realising Jack had misunderstood. “Not no. I mean no, not oh god.”

Jack stared back at him completely confused. “What?”

Doug laughed slightly, still feeling completely shocked. “Yes.”

“Yes?” Jack said, still on his knees in the sand.

“Yes,” Doug repeated. “Not no.”

Jack continued to stare back at the other man – no idea what was going on. He opened his mouth to ask a question but had no idea what words he was looking for – unsure how he was supposed to be feeling. The speed that his heart was beating making him feel lightheaded.

Realising that he needed to do something quickly, Doug stepped forward, reaching out and taking hold of Jack’s arm, pulling him up from the sand. His hands quickly moved to Jack’s face, holding his cheeks tightly – forcing him to look at him. Leaning in, Doug kissed him firmly, not getting any reaction from the other man. Pulling back, he took in the sight of Jack – pale and confused, unable to hold back a slight smile.

“I have no idea what is going on,” Jack said, stunned – the calm and slightly amused expression on Doug’s face leaving him completely puzzled.

“Ask me again.”

“No way,” Jack said, shaking his head, wanting the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

“Ask me again,” Doug repeated, his expression becoming more serious, kissing Jack a little more softly. 

Jack took a deep breath, his eyes locked with Doug’s – for a moment wondering if he was walking into a trap; some kind of payback for any tricks he had played on the other man. Wondering if Doug would really stoop that low to get one over on him. “Doug,” he said, having to stop to take a deep breath, noticing the anticipation in Doug’s eyes. “Please… will you marry me?”

This time Doug could not help by smile, leaning forward and kissing Jack – his hand resting on the back of Jack’s neck, not wanting it to end. Wanting to stay in that precise moment for the rest of eternity. His mind was still whirling, filled with a thousand questions, realising suddenly that he had a lifetime to ask them. He continued to kiss Jack, wrapping his arm around his waist, pulling him closer – feeling Jack’s hand still holding the ring box pressed between them. Knowing that eventually the moment had to end he slowly pulled back, resting his forehead against Jack’s – hand still on the back of his neck.

Jack smiled slightly, trying to regain composure – not letting himself feel any kind of relief yet. “You haven’t actually answered my question.”

“Yes,” Doug said simply. 

“Are you sure? You said no an alarming number of times.”

“I meant yes,” Doug laughed back, kissing Jack again. “You took me by surprise, that’s all.”

Jack laughed slightly, his eyes glancing upwards as he took a deep breath, feeling tears on his cheeks. He shook his head slight, still in shock – trying to let his body to catch up with the change of emotion. Suddenly realising that he had not finished his task, he stepped back, removing the ring from the box. Taking hold of Doug’s hand he slid the ring down his finger, relieved that it felt to be the perfect fit, the whole time keeping his eyes fixed on Doug’s. 

Doug raised his hand to look, grateful that the sunset was still bright enough for him to be able to see the black band wrapped around his finger. His brain not quite able to process what was happening. 

“I really hope you like it.”

“I do,” he nodded. “I love it.”

Jack released a sigh of relief. “I think I may be having a heart attack,” he teased.

“I’m sorry,” Doug laughed, pulling him back against him, glancing down at the ring again. “I feel like I’m dreaming.”

“You’re not,” Jack said simply, lacing his fingers though Doug’s, feeling the way Doug was shaking. Looking back into Doug’s eyes he noticed tears beginning to form as the reality began to hit. “I hope they are happy tears,” he said, smiling softly. 

Doug nodded, no words finding their way to his mouth. He exhaled, trying to centre himself. “Definitely.”

“Good,” he replied, reaching out and wiping away the first tear that fell.

“What about you?” Doug asked, looking at Jack’s ringless hand. “Don’t you need one too.”

Jack stepped back a little, reaching into his jacket pocket and removed another small box, lifting it so the other man could see in the dimming sunlight. Doug smiled more widely when he realised what he was being shown. Gently taking the box from Jack, he opened it and removed the ring, enjoying the feel of it against his fingertips, having wondered on many occasions if he would ever get the opportunity to do this. He reached out and took Jack’s hand, the tears in his eyes hindering his view – finding the act of sliding the ring onto Jack’s finger one of the most intimate things he had ever done.

“How does that feel?” Doug asked, unable to hold back a grin. “Freaking out yet?”

Jack laughed, knowing that Doug was thinking about their anniversary trip to the cabin. “It feels perfect,” he said simply, receiving a nod from the other man.

Doug pulled Jack close, arm wrapped tightly around him. “Is this real?” he asked softly, the shock beginning to fade, replaced with a rush of other emotions.

“Very real,” Jack nodded, holding Doug tightly, neither one of them wanting to move. His lips found the other man’s, kissing him lovingly – the sound of the waves washing in and out serenading them. He had no idea how long they were stood like that – lost in the feel of the other man, overcome with a range of emotions.

“I think I’m still in shock,” Doug said, shaking his head. “I never expected…” he trailed off.

“I could tell,” Jack laughed.

“I thought you didn’t want to? I thought you didn’t want anything to change?”

“That was before,” Jack said simply.

“What changed?”

“Nothing – not really. I just realised that it wasn’t my memories that made me feel whole,” Jack said. “It was you. It’s always been you. I have just been too scared to admit it.”

“And you’re not scared anymore?”

Jack smiled, leaning in and kissing Doug once again. “I’m terrified,” he nodded. “But in a good way.” He took hold of Doug’s hand, his thumb playing over the ring. “This year has shown me what’s important. I want this day to mark the beginning of the rest of our lives. Nothing else matters. Just this. Just us.”

Doug lifted Jack’s hand, admiring how the ring looked – stunned that Jack had managed to pull off something so secretive, wondering how much of the anxiety he had been sensing recently had been about the proposal rather than the anniversary of the accident. “When I asked you this afternoon what was in the bag from Sarah’s and you said cookies?”

“I wasn’t lying,” Jack said, a playful smile growing on his face. “It was cookies. Just not just cookies.”

Doug looked back at him, shaking his head. “You know it’s a year since the last time we got engaged?” 

“What can I say, it took me a little longer to get there,” Jack joked.

“At least this time you’re conscious.”

“Often helps,” Jack grinned, relief flooding through him, suddenly noticing that it was getting dark. “Thank you.”

“For what?” 

“For everything. For being you,” Jack said. “For saying yes – eventually.”

Doug laughed, kissing Jack once again. “I love you, Jack. Through the good and bad. My love has only grown.” 

“I love you too,” Jack nodded, his hand taking hold of the other man’s, once again starting to walk up the beach in the direction of home. “I told you that things were looking good for a happy ending.”

“You did,” Doug nodded, having never expected this. “But we’re nowhere near the end yet.”

**The End**


End file.
